Three months and 5 days since you posted last. I sure hope that you are okay!

anita

Dear Kshitij:

You are welcome!

“I didn’t understand how my shame and guilt are fueling my emotions of despair, hopelessness etc.?“- to be stuck feeling ashamed and guilty is a terrible emotional experience. If calm and contentment are like the sun gently shining above you, relentless shame and guilt are like thick hail dropping on you from above, hitting you, bruising you. When the hail can drop on you at any time, winter or summer, spring or fall, then you get desperate and hopeless.

“I was criticized for every small thing“- I think of these criticisms as thick hail dropping on you, hurting you, making you bleed.

“I do have a habit of self-loathing, so maybe that is related with my guilt and/or shame related with my intrusive thoughts?“- yes, I believe so.

“Please tell me something I can do to ease these harmful emotions so that I can reach out for help and stop giving so much pain to myself”– to ease and resolve these harmful emotions (shame, guilt, self-loathing), you have to.. heal the shame that binds you. I am using a title of a book I read long ago: Healing the Shame that Binds You, by John Bradshaw.

Here are a couple of quotes from the book: “There is no way you can share your inner self because you are an object of contempt to yourself. When you are contemptible to yourself, you are no longer in you. To feel shame is to feel exposed in a diminished way. When you’re an object to yourself, you turn your eyes inward, watching and scrutinizing every minute detail of behavior. This internal critical observation is excruciating. It generates a tormenting self-consciousness that Kaufman describes as ‘creating a binding and paralyzing effect upon the self.’ This paralyzing internal monitoring causes withdrawal, passivity and inaction”,

“Toxically shamed people tend to become more and more stagnant as life goes on. They live in a guarded, secretive and defensive way. They try to be more than human (perfect and controlling) or less than human (losing interest in life or stagnated in some addictive behavior)”-                  do these quotes speak to you personally, Kshitij?

“I gave a huge amount of effort for my masters, even when I was struggling a lot with my mental and physical health, and all of it was on the verge of becoming zero- I couldn’t do anything. And when I finally got the scholarship, even in that I was just a passive recipient, it just happened to me.  What is the point of putting in your life and efforts when everything is so random?“- You cannot be calm and content unless you experience that you do have control over some parts of what happens to you life, that you can make some desirable things happen and avoid some undesirable things; you have to become active, not passive, when it comes to your life.

“It feels like no matter how hard I try, I can never find mental peace, and even after moving to a better place in life (like getting the scholarship) will bring more trauma“- the difference that will make all the difference for you, is to believe that you have what it takes to handle difficulties and challenges, that you are strong enough and resourceful enough.

For as long as one believes that one has no power over one’s life, no control, no say.. every difficulty can feel overwhelmingly huge.

anita

Dear Going Through Life:

You are welcome, I’m doing well, thank you!

“I don’t feel like journaling anything about her. I don’t want to do go through that at the moment, don’t really know why but I don’t“- journaling was an idea that occurred to me, an idea that you are welcome to accept or reject. I am fine with you rejecting any idea that I suggest to you!

And please post again anytime you feel like it.

anita

Thanks

Dear Nikki:

Welcome back 2 years and 26 days after you posted last (March 3, 2022), and C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S  for being almost 4-years sober!

“As me and the whole ‘G’ situation I broke things off with him“- congratulations for this as well !

“I look back at the forum and can’t help but laugh a little at the way I was so confused about my feelings for him… I’ve learned a lot about myself and was in another relationship 2 months after ‘G’, and I stopped talking and that’s a whole forum in itself.“- you are welcome to share about having replaced your confusion with clarity, what you learned about yourself.. here in this forum, or in a new forum, if you choose to start one.

Again, good to read from you again!

anita

Dear Shy:

I am glad that you started your thread. I just finished reading your first 2 paragraphs, and find your wording very interesting. I will comment on what I read so far, then read some more, comment (before reading what’s next), etc. The boldfaced indicates your words:

You described yourself as very quiet, a ghost. But I can already “hear” noise within you, the noise of doubt (“skeptical to a fault“) and guilt (“my situation is largely my fault… made myself unapproachable“).

You were bullied. In high school you were “always on my phone, unkempt, back of class“.

“You would think then, I’d feel greatly appreciative of my best friend… but I don’t enjoy her anymore“- I wouldn’t think that a person would (or should) necessarily feel greatly appreciative of their only in-real-life friend. I am curious to read further about how you feel about K.

“Lately when she messages me and a mutual acquaintance, often about work, I don’t have much motivation to open… I don’t feel surprised with her anymore, or a spark. It’s on life support for me but again, I feel terrible about it“- reads to me that you feel that you should feel differently about K, and you feel guilty that you don’t feel the way you are.. supposed to feel.

“Any advice from anyone who’s been here? Or close to?”- yes, allow yourself to feel what you feel. It is your fundamental, biological right to feel all that you feel. You don’t have to justify what you feel.

We don’t choose what we feel. No personal choice= no personal responsibility= no valid guilt.

We have some choice as to what we say, type, and do. There’s personal responsibility when it comes to what we put out there into the world, but no personal responsibility to what we feel inside ourselves, in that distance in-between our ears.

How should you act then, toward K, what should you say/ type to her, if anything? My answer to my own question: don’t fake a spark, feeling surprised with her, a motivation you don’t have. Be true to yourself and be kind to her at the same time.

Can you do these two things: being true to yourself (and therefore, being kind to yourself) and being kind to her?

anita

Dear Zenith:

“I should not wear shorts in front of my on laws. I have to dress certain way… I hate the fact that I have to suppress my personality in front of them.“- think of it this way, if you will: here in the U.S., where you live, you still have to suppress your personality in regard to what you wear, depending on the place you are in: you can wear a bikini to the swimming pool, but not to the supermarket; you go for a jog wearing sweats, but not to a party;  certain restaurants have dress codes… so you/ we all adjust to the place we’re in. And so, you adjust to your in-laws’ home by wearing long pants in their home/ in their company.

Prepare for your visit in India, prepare your reactions to different scenarios. That will make it easier for you, once you are there.

“I hate…”- Try to not hate anyone or anything because your hate hurts you: it’s unnecessary suffering for you. And I wouldn’t want you to suffer when it’s .. optional, when you don’t have to!

anita

Dear Zenith:

That wasn’t a rant, only 10 sentences (I counted, lol). Good thing you don’t suppress yourself at home and with your parents. You said that you will spend most of your time in India with your parents. Is this still the plan? That would make your visit a less suppressive/ more expressive, way better for your health!

“It’s just when I am with my in laws and co workers or with new people“- I remember that you shared about the rich relatives who used to criticize your parents who were poor, a long time ago. I wonder if you are projecting your very critical and rude relatives into your in-laws, as in re-experiencing your critical relatives when you are spending time with your in-laws (who may be rich too, like the relatives?)

“I tell my kiddo others’ opinion doesn’t matter and how people react is beyond your control. But its hard for me to follow. I have become so highly sensitive“- if you found a way to lessen this sensitivity.. to calm it down enough so that you can follow your own advice..

anita