Dear Chau:

“thinking if you are the Anita whom I knew“- yes, that’s me (I deleted my account back in Feb 2023, I think it was, and returned to the forums Aug the same year, under a different account, but same screen name (anita).

“are you able to see any posts that I had before?”– no. I can look for your past thread if you tell me the month and year you last posted.

“All sorts of insecurity, sadness, a bit  of anger, lost, helplessness…  Doubting the intent of the break, she mentioned she needed time to clear her mind and ‘restart’, but  sometime I also double if she just want to use this time to break up… she can’t tell everyone, she is not as openly gay as I am“- yes, I remember you shared about her not being openly gay. It must have been 4 years ago, or so.

“I am sensitive and sometime overthink, and I believe this may cause stress to my partner also. I am thinking to go therapy to clear my minds and see what insights I can get“-

– if quality psychotherapy is accessible to you, that would be the best. Emotion Regulation Skills are very helpful when it comes to anxiety-filled overthinking and emotional over-reaction. It’s about finding strength within you, strength you can count on, so that even if your partner breaks up with you, you will still be okay.

anita

Dear Chau:

Welcome back! I remember that we communicated for a while, and it was indeed ages ago. You posted today under a different account, so I can’t see our previous communication when I click on your screen name. If you didn’t delete your previous thread and if you don’t mind me re-reading it, can you locate it for me?

“This is just day 3 and I find myself having all sort of thinking and feelings that may/ may not have basis at all“- would you like to elaborate on the thinking and feelings you are referring to here?

“we are a lesbian couple. So I guess there are some suppression here and there“- and would you loke to elaborate on the suppression you are referring to?

anita

Hello again, Mr. A:

(I am adding the boldface feature selectively to the quotes) This is what you shared about your wife’s intelligence: “her intellect is something that cannot change fundamentally… I am sacrificing everything for her – intelligent conversations“. About your intellect: “(I) am in the top quartile of intelligent men“.

You shared that your wife is not smart, not confident, not fit, not energetic and not lively (“I have seen so many confident, fit and smart women…  far more energetic, fit and lively… I understand comparison will only make me sad”).

The only positives you mentioned about her: “a good homemaker- cooks for us and takes care of the house. She also works and does it sincerely… her career“.

The only negative you mentioned about yourself: “My problems are I have limited friends and little social life“.

About your interaction with your wife: ” I have certain expectations of her which I had clearly communicated before marriage as well… I have been complaining about her to her and trying to improve her (which seems to work at a snails pace, but does work in a few areas). But her intellect is something that cannot change fundamentally.”

My thoughts this morning (evening in Mumbai): you think so very little of her, too little: that she is inferior to you and inferior to other women, a woman with an inferior intellect that you say cannot be changed. And yet, (1) having had conversations with her before marriage (having had adequate opportunities to learn about her intellect, with your stated superior intellect), you expressed to her your high expectations for a marriage with her, and proceeded to marry her., (2) you want to have a child with her, a child that may inherit her supposed inferior intellect..?

* I am surprised that given her supposed inferior intellect, she manages to have a career, which is more than a job?

I suppose that you have a high dry IQ but not a high emotional- social IQ, and perhaps a low self-esteem to go with it, and that’s why you married a woman you perceive to have an inferior IQ, and why you have limited friends and little social life?

You call her “my wife” but it sounds as if a more accurate term, given your perception of her, would be that inferior, unintelligent, obese woman who is an embarrassment to me.

If I was her, knowing how you thought about my intellect alone, I would want to get away from you as quickly as possible because it’s just too humiliating to be thought of this way, day after day, with no end in sight.

“I have been complaining about her to her, and trying to improve her (which seems to work at a  her intellect is something that cannot change fundamentally“-

– I think my suggestion right here is just what you need: improve your emotional-social intelligence.

And set her free, help her get relocated elsewhere, so that she can live with dignity as a non-inferior person. It saddens me how so many people are treated as inferior to others, it creates such an intense emotional pain inside.

In my first reply to you, I mentioned empathy, so I will close this post with empathy: please set her free from the prison of your low opinion of her (this is my empathy for her), and please learn and improve your emotional and social intelligence: there are many books on this topic, as well as workbooks, YouTube videos, courses and such (this is my empathy for you).

anita

Dear Kshitij:

“Repressed anger overwhelms me during the spiral… I will write another thread about the repressed anger tomorrow and if it is okay, can I also share one thread about my enraging thoughts that were occurring today“- yes, of course it’s okay.

“One more question, Anita. There is a recent development in my intrusive thoughts that first happened in the nightmare (mentioned by me a few days ago). I do not think if this forum would be the safest place to mention that“- while not sharing about the recent development here, can you tell me anything about why it’d be unsafe for you?  (It’s okay if you don’t).

“how can I share it with you?“- since there is no private messaging option on this website, what are you suggesting?

anita

Dear Kshitij: I was out all day and now, it’s Sun night here. I will read your recent post and reply Mon morning (my time)

anita

Dear Kshitij:

“my intrusive thoughts add on to my difficulties… It is like a quagmire, all you need to put one foot over it and it will just swallow you in.“-

* Simplified, cognition = thinking, metacognition = thinking about thinking.

Today, I found out today (after reading a reply on the forums by Rosie) of a term called Cognitive Attentional Syndrome (CAS), and Metacognitive Therapy that goes along with it.
<p class=”jsx-3897347038 c–grey-neutral-800″>I read on the topic that CAS is an unhelpful style of thinking, a vicious cycle where one’s only focus is on one’s problems and the person feels worse as a consequence (the quagmire you mentioned yesterday). It’s about placing all of one’s attention on problems, overthinking pessimistically, and getting stuck. It’s a pattern of negative, pessimistic thoughts and painful emotions that the person can’t seem to let go of, a pattern that include rumination, worry and fixed attention.</p>
The purpose  of Metacognitive Therapy is 1) to discover what the suffering person believes about his/ her thoughts (it’s called Metacognitive Beliefs), 2) to show the person how his / her beliefs lead to unhelpful responses that unintentionally prolong and worsen the suffering, and 3) to provide alternative ways of responding that allow a reduction of the suffering.

What do you think/ feel about the above, Kshitij?

anita

Dear Peter:

Thank you for the compliment. The Heart Sutra you quoted is indeed very related to the reflections of the Blank Canvas. The emptiness in the canvas (lack of pained form, colors, textures) and the emptiness talked about in the heart Sutra is a very calming reality for me, calming to my otherwise over-active brain. I can sense now, not what will be, but what is eternally (no time). Rushing to fill emptiness (with forms, colors, textures, sounds, flavors, fragrances) is suffering; Accepting emptiness is calming, it brings relief.

I breathe in Emptiness.

anita