Dear Clara:

You are very welcome!

“maybe overreact when she goes out… blaming her for not coming home early and reacting, or maybe overreacting sometime, stressed her our and wore out the relationship…  she mentioned her not feeling much, and she had to be on tip toe all the time“-

-I wasn’t there to personally observe your home life with her, but seems to me that indeed, like you say, you overreacted (on a regular basis, or frequently, or repeatedly), and as a result she felt that she had to tiptoe around you, as in walking on eggshells, so to prevent the next overreaction on your part.

Walking on tip toe all the time, being so careful to prevent trouble does block carefree feelings such as love.

If you can change these two things: to no longer overreact, and to no longer blame her- once the break is over- the relationship and her feelings for you will resume- I hope.

anita

Dear Carol:

You are welcome, and thank you for being kind even though my answer was painful to read. I am afraid parts of this post too will be painful to read, I am sorry.

“Is there a specific part of my post that makes you think we are no longer friends but more acquaintances?“-

– yes, the following things which I boldfaced: “she takes a dozen of days, if not more, to reply to my texts… I haven’t met her partner… (she) does not ask me how everything is going for me, or if she does, it’s really rare…I am going through a decisive time in my career. She hasn’t contacted me to see how it’s going… in January, I was really down and I had let her know that I was struggling mentally… I received a text from her 6 weeks later, asking how I was“.

If her relationship was one month old, and she is a busy working woman, or a busy student, I’d understand if she was 3 days late texting you back, or a whole week if she was overwhelmed with work/ studies and a new romantic relationship, and I’d understand her not introducing her partner to you yet.

But she met her partner a whole year ago. Unless she and her partner are long-distance (and only meet once a month, let’s say), and/ or she lives very far from you, how can a best friend not meet the other best friend’s partner for a whole year?

That you told her that you were struggling mentally and she did not inquire about your mental health for 6 weeks demotes her (in my opinion) not only from the title best friend, but from the title friend.

Unless the word friend means not an enemy, or if it means acts friendly sometimes– in that case, I suppose she is a friend.

Like you, English is not my first language and sometimes I am not aware of the connotations of words, but from having looked up friend and acquaintance online just now, the difference between the two is that friends share an a bond of mutual affection, and acquaintances don’t necessarily.

Seems like her affection for and her attention to you as her friend has been redirected elsewhere, not only to her partner but to her partner’s friends (“she hangs out with his friends often“). You wrote that she’s obsessed with her relationship: maybe she hangs out with her partner’s friends so to solidify her relationship with him, to be more of a part of his world, as in, getting his friends to think well of her and encourage him to stay with her.

And since you, Carol, are not a part of her partner’s world and have no power to influence her partner on her behalf of her, you are of no use for her when  it comes to her #1 priority by far (her partner). What do you think?

“Also, I don’t really know if I should talk to her about this or just let it go ? Sometimes, I think it’s a bad idea but other times, I feel like I would at least like to clear the air just in case there has been a misunderstanding? Maybe I could to share my feelings with her, in a non accusatory way, and to give her the benefit of the doubt and let her space to express hers?“– I wish you could let it go, but can you?

The reason I wish you could let it go instead of sharing how you feel with her, is that from what you wrote in your original post, she has not shown interest in how you feel for a long time, and because although she ” insists that she is still ‘there if I need anything‘, in practice, she has not been there for you: not when you had let her know that you were struggling mentally, and not during the decisive time you are going through career-wise.

In the message you think of sending her, you wrote: “I feel like things changed between us and I would like to talk about it because I value our friendship“- you mean that you used to value the friendship you had with her in the past, not  that you value the friendship (or “friendship”) that you have with her now, correct?

anita

Dear Carol:

Reads to me like the friendship is gone and all that’s left is an acquaintance. I am sorry that you are hurting for having lost a person who was important in your life, having lost her as a friend.

anita

Dear Chau/ Clara:

I was wrong: we first communicated on May 31, 2016. Here is an amazing fact: you posted on June 26, 2016, exactly 8 years ago, and on June 26, 2017, exactly 7 years ago.

On June 26, 2016, you wrote (I am adding the boldface feature to quotes selectively): “what I am missing is someone who cares for me when I am distressed, and someone who shares my life when I want to share“- having read much of our past communication this morning, I boldfaced the part above because, seems to me, your pattern has been wanting a close relationship on one hand, and wanting to be alone, on the other hand. Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Style, or something of the sort: wanting closeness and being scared of it, moving toward a girlfriend and pushing her away.

You wrote early on about the first ex you shared about: “Occasionally, I treated her with tantrum…  I did have quite intense temper tantrums, and we did take a few breaks“- could have been the scared, panicking part of you throwing tantrums, pushing her away.

“I am disappointed at the fact that I wasn’t able to treat her well when I was dating her, I had always been very reluctant to connect with her emotionally“- this is the Avoidant part of your attachment style.

You’ve done a lot of traveling alone, for long periods of time, like the time you backpacked through South America. I think that predominantly, you find comfort in being alone. When in a relationship, there is a conflict: needing closeness and being afraid of closeness. The solution of the scared-part of you is to push the girlfriend away (is what I am thinking this morning).

Exactly 7 years ago, June 26, 2017, you wrote: “Recently I have become quite close to someone… I have told her I developed my liking and attachment on her… but recently I feel the urge to cut the tie, primarily to cut off the attachment (to) her… I am afraid of losing it all, well, while I haven’t even got it“- I boldfaced the solution of the scared-part of you, and the nature of your fear: closeness. To the scared part of you, closeness means losing: losing relative safety.

I think that this conflict was born in your childhood which you shared about: you were very much a child alone and timid, afraid of people. People represented danger to you, back then, and relative safety was about Avoiding people.

On Oct 7, 2018, you shared (in regard to your current on-a-break-girlfriend): “I recently got quite close with a person, we have been talking mainly on texts for a few months… she had never disclosed that she had a girlfriend… when she met me she was on a break/broke up with her partner, and later on, her partner came back to her and they got together”.

Your last post before yesterday’s was on Oct 18, 2018: “I have decided to take a break from her… it’s been a few days since I stopped contacting her, its a bit uneasy at times. but I think this is the right move…”-

– that was 5 years, 8 months and 8 days  ago. I suppose you and her started dating a couple of months after your last post.

June 25-26, 2024: “my 5.5 years partner is now taking a break (from) me, she can’t figure out whether she still loves me or are we just ‘good friends’ who live together…about a month or two ago, I raised the million dollar question ‘do you still like me’, to which she responded with silence… I proposed this (the break)…  eventually we feel we had a bit too much negativity, and we decided to take a break”-

– did you propose breaks before? Has there been negativity between the two of you throughout the relationship, perhaps you repeatedly bringing up the fact that she didn’t tell you back in Sept/Oct 2018 (while you were texting, not yet dating) that she had an on-again off-again girlfriend?

anita

Dear SadSoul:

I can still hear the birds at 9:27 pm, still light, but darkness too. The birds are taking advantage of the last of the light.

The Last of the Light.

Like the guy you are talking about, in the old folks home.

The last of the Light:  can it be free from guilt and self-reproach, for you?

You made mistakes, no doubt, like everyone else, but no requirement to suffer, no benefit in it.

I know you enough to know that.. well, I don’t want you to suffer.

It’s darker now than when I started this post, almost dark at 9:36 pm, fewer bids singing, chirping, almost dark in the sun-room.

Darker still at 9:38 pm, my goodness, I hear no birds now.. they are gone. It’s .. no, they are back, the birds. Life is back. 9:40 pm, little sound, darker. How Strange Life Is.

I wish you were here, hearing this.

9:43 pm, I hear nothing.. but yet something, very little, and now.. still a bit, 9:44 pm, darker, I can hear the refrigerator sound going, still some birds, a vehicle approaching, birds still, they are not easily swayed by darkness.

9:50 pm- NO BIRDS. Dark, almost completely dark. No Birds.

Still no birds.

Yeah, no birds, wait, a bit of something, some are still there.

Gone. Night time, finally at 9:53 pm.

9:55 pm, TOTALLY dark, finally night time.

Good night, SadSoul. Please be good to Sad Soul, she is a good person.

10:02 pm- definitely dark, no-doubt-dark, no light of any kind.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

Horror it is… in MY BED!!!!

“Not sure what a lavender bar is. I hope it’s not soap and I hope it somehow has some real lavender in it!“- it’s not soap, and it’s real lavender, it’s supposed to heal sore muscles, heated in the microwave and rubbed into the painful muscle.

“He thought he looked really young but he looked really old, a lifetime of heavy smoking, etc. He used to tell me how young people thought he looked“- he was a legend in  his own mind and didn’t want competition (you looking young)..

“And my responsibility because I didn’t see“- in the context of centuries or millennial-old humanity-blindness, what is one person’s blindness.. is it somewhat expected?

“I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself but I’ve come far enough that I don’t ask God to take me to heaven on my sleep anymore“- that’s progress. I am asking god to deliver the spider from MY BED to (someplace else) right now!

“We’ve had such a lovely catch up! How blessed to be awake at the same time. The internet makes the world seem small and do-able!“- lovely indeed. It’s still light outside, birds singing, and my insect bites itching (I just transported myself to the sun room where the windows are open because the battery on the computer was running low).

“She said her husband loved fresh baked bread so I took one to them to surprise them. He was so happy... just losing his nows. Oh how I miss them. Oh how I miss her. This show I’m watching kind of reminds me of them. Happy uncomplicated love.“- you gave him A Now.

You gave him a special now,

So quiet now, except for the birds.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“Did you find your spider? Horrifying! I don’t mind them outside but not so keen on them in”– it was/ is in my bed. I suspected for a while that I was bitten in bed! But what can I do? It’s a small spider-looking creature in a big bed, it’d take a long, long time to look for it, change the bed sheets.. for crying out loud, I’m too tired to do all that, it’s night time!

It’s getting dark, so that’s my usual MO: ignore it (where is that F-n Spider though??)

I put the lavender bar thing in the microwave and rubbed all the bites with it..

“The really scared people on my life are still a bit scared of covid. The only thing I’d like is a few months of lock down again“- there were benefits to the lockdown, definitely.

“My ex used to get angry when we went into pubs because I always got asked for ID”–  because he didn’t look that young?

“He broke me… There I go, going non overshare…  My beloved ones had been dreadfully hurt. And I’ll always be responsible because I didn’t know, didn’t see it, had no idea. Trusted him“- too painful still to share. That’s okay that you share as much or as little as you do.

You didn’t know, you didn’t see it, you had no idea. For-give your self. Forgive Sad Soul. It’s okay to forgive her. She is a good person worthy of forgiveness.

“So not my usual thing but I’ve run out of walking dead to watch“- you watched the waking dead? It’s been years since I had a TV service, the walking-dead.. I have some memory of it.

anita