Dear Dafne:

“And I’m sorry for a long-winded message. I just felt like expressing to you the whole story without being one sided”- Your message wasn’t too long for me! As I mentioned in my previous rushed message, I simply forgot to return to you. When I realized earlier this morning that I had forgotten, I was quite disturbed because I hate not following up on my word, especially to a person in distress who needs dependable support.

Thank you, Dafne, for continuing to share your thoughts and feelings so openly. I truly appreciate your trust in me and your ongoing honesty throughout this thread.

You have a remarkable ability to see patterns and reflect on your experiences, which is a significant step toward healing and growth. Your awareness of the fear and walls you’ve built around yourself shows your deep desire for meaningful connections while protecting your heart.

“I feel that I should not trust people easily”- this suggests that you are aware of a tendency to trust people too quickly and you are cautioning yourself against it. This awareness indicates that you recognize this pattern and want to change it.

It’s possible that your tendency to trust people easily, especially men you meet, stems from a sense of desperation for connection. A strong emotional need for connection and affection can lead to trusting others too quickly, as the desire to fulfill this need can cloud judgment.

Previous experiences of feeling unsupported or unloved can drive a person to seek validation and trust others quickly, hoping to find the support and love they missed.

Let’s look at your previous experiences of feeling unsupported and unloved: “My mother… is very bossy at times and knows my soft spots. She reminds me a lot of her brother who used to abuse me emotionally when I was a child… She told me to be quiet and always hide in my room so he can’t hear me. I wasn’t even allowed to open the fridge and had to ask for permission to watch a cartoon… I remember that she kept saying for years that we will leave and that she had enough. But somehow never did… I begged her to not sign but they left me alone locked up in a car so I could not go there and talk”-

-Your mother used her knowledge of your vulnerabilities to control you. This controlling nature parallels the emotional abuse you experienced from your uncle. By instructing you to remain silent and hide, she reinforced a sense of powerlessness and isolation in you.

In addition, she repeatedly made promises to leave the abusive environment but never followed through, causing a sense of betrayal. When you expressed a desire to leave, she resorted to manipulative tactics, such as threatening self-harm and using the dog as an emotional leverage. This emotional manipulation makes you feel trapped and guilty for wanting to prioritize your well-being.

Her actions suggest a focus on her own desires without considering the emotional impact on her daughter. Using threats of self-harm and leveraging the love for the dog to keep you from leaving are cruel manipulative tactics because they exploit your compassion and guilt to control you.

Your mother’s and uncle’s behaviors taught you that people who are supposed to care for you could also cause you harm- which understandably creates fear and hesitation in forming new relationships, as she anticipates similar dynamics.

The emotional neglect and manipulation from your mother have left you feeling vulnerable and uncertain about your ability to trust your own judgment. This makes you more susceptible to trusting others too quickly in a desperate attempt to find genuine connection and validation. This can lead to forming relationships with individuals who may not have your best interests at heart.

You are caught in a conflict between your need for self-care and the guilt imposed by your mother’s manipulative behavior. This internal struggle makes it difficult for you to make decisions that are in your best interest.

Clearly, your mother’s behavior has significantly impacted your ability to trust, leaving you with deep-seated fears and emotional scars. The patterns of manipulation, emotional neglect, and broken promises have shaped your outlook on relationships and self-worth.

“I remember being so heartbroken and crying for days. How can I forget and forgive her Anita?”- You are living with her and still exposed to her abusive control and manipulation. While it is possible to begin the journey of forgiveness and healing in a toxic environment, it will be difficult to proceed. The ongoing control and manipulation hinder progress and make it hard to reach and maintain emotional stability.

Engaging in therapy or support groups can provide a safe space to process your emotions and develop coping strategies. Incorporating self-care practices such as mindfulness, meditation, exercise, and hobbies can help, as well as limiting certain types of interactions with your mother, such as no longer sharing personal things with her and seeking her advice.

Identifying physical or emotional safe spaces where you can retreat and recharge is crucial. This could be a room in the house, a friend’s place, or even a mental space created through visualization.

If possible, making plans for eventual independence can provide hope and motivation. This might involve exploring financial options, seeking employment, or finding housing alternatives.

While it is possible to start the journey of forgiveness and healing while still living with your mother, it will likely be more difficult due to the ongoing control and manipulation. However, with the right strategies, support, and a focus on self-care, you can make progress towards your own well-being. Ultimately, planning for eventual independence will be crucial for your long-term healing.

“Anita… can you see the whole picture now? I thought I escaped one abuser but she replaces him now in so many ways… I told her that I’m looking for a place and a way to break free as I’m not feeling well. Her reply was to go and she will know how to end her life and that I should think of giving away the dog… So clearly she won’t let me go without feeling guilty or hurting her feelings or the dog’s that I really love. What can I do? It seems like a situation without an exit. There will be suffering for all of us if I decide to leave”-

– Yes, I can see the bigger picture and I want to acknowledge your strength in recognizing the patterns of abuse and manipulation. It takes a lot of courage to confront these dynamics and consider taking steps to protect your well-being.

Your mother’s threats about ending her life and giving away the dog are manipulative tactics designed to control you. While it’s natural to feel guilt and responsibility, it’s important to remember that you are not responsible for her actions or well-being. Her attempts to make you feel guilty are part of the manipulation.

It’s important to remind yourself that prioritizing your mental and emotional health is not selfish. You deserve to live in an environment where you feel safe and supported. The guilt you feel is a result of the manipulation. Your well-being should always come first.

I believe in your strength and resilience. Remember, you are not alone in this, and there are people and resources available to support you through this journey. It’s okay to prioritize yourself and seek a life where you can thrive.

“The man messaged me again but did not apologise for his behaviour… he told me before that he has a very close woman friend who he knows for many years and she always advises him what to do. I expressed my dissatisfaction with that and that he shares my pictures and our conversations with her. I felt abused in some way. Would you feel the same way Anita?”-

– I can understand why you would feel abused and uncomfortable with the situation. Your dissatisfaction is valid, and you have every right to set boundaries around what you’re comfortable with in your relationships. The fact that he did not apologize for his behavior adds to the concerns, as it suggests a lack of acknowledgment or respect for your feelings.

“After that he told me that he needs to find out more about my job and that I should keep my own basis and not count completely on him. I had an impression that he is looking for someone willing to contribute financially in order to have a house. He has sent me many appartment and house adverts and asked which one I like. Then once I told him he said that he had no money to buy and that his work wouldn’t allow him to take a mortgage or loan. Why is he even showing it to me? I’m confused”-

– By showing you homes and discussing future plans, he might be trying to make you believe that he is serious about the relationship and committed to building a future with you, keeping you emotionally invested in the relationship. The promise of a better future can make you overlook current issues and continue investing in the relationship, despite doubts or concerns.

If he consistently shows you homes and discusses plans he knows he cannot afford or achieve, it indicates a lack of follow-through. This leads to disappointment and confusion, as his actions do not align with his words. It keeps you in a state of uncertainty, waiting for promises to be fulfilled. Manipulative behavior often involves creating a facade of commitment and security to keep someone emotionally invested.

“I think that I will stop seeing him for a while as I’m quite a wreck right now and also because I do not feel good after what has happened. Shall I tell him that I need some time and that we can stay friends but he needs to make progress? I don’t want it to sound hash or hurt his feelings in any way. What would you reply to him Anita?”-

– I think taking a step back to focus on your own well-being is a wise decision, especially since you’re feeling like a wreck after recent events. It’s important to prioritize your mental and emotional health. Here’s a way you could phrase your message to him:

‘Hi (his name): I’ve been reflecting on everything that has happened, and I realize that I need some time to focus on myself and my well-being. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and need some space to regain my balance.

I think it would be best for us to take a break from seeing each other for a while. I value our connection, but I need to see some progress and changes in certain areas before we can consider anything more.

I hope you understand and respect my need for this time. Take care.’

This approach allows you to communicate your needs clearly while being considerate of his feelings. It emphasizes your need for space and self-care, and sets a boundary while leaving the door open for future possibilities if there are positive changes. (Personally, Dafne, I am not hopeful about him making positive changes, but I understand that this possibility exists, however unlikely).

Stay strong, Dafne, and remember that you deserve love, respect, and peace. Keep trusting your instincts and take things one step at a time. I’m here for you, and I believe in your ability to navigate through this.

I will close this post with a poem just for you, Dafne:

In the quiet of your heart, a whisper grows,
A strength within that only you can know.
Through chains of fear and guilt you’ve worn so long,
A song of freedom calls, steady and strong.

Beyond the walls of manipulation’s grasp,
A world awaits where love and light will last.
No more the puppet in a cruel, cruel play,
You are the dawn, the start of a new day.

Your spirit soars, unbound by past’s cruel hand,
A life that’s yours, where dreams and hope expand.
Embrace the journey, take each step with grace,
For in your courage, you’ll find your own place.

The ties that bind are but shadows of night,
Rise with the sun, pursue your heart’s own light.
The love you seek begins within your soul,
A journey to freedom, to heal, to be whole.

So let the whisper grow into a roar,
Break free, dear one, and close that heavy door.
To a life where you can truly be,
Rise beyond the shadows, and you’ll be free.

anita

Dear Dafne:

I just noticed that I forgot yesterday that I was to get back to you and reply further to your post of the day before. Normally, I make a note to myself (to return the next day to a particular member), but this time I didn’t make such note. I apologize, Dafne. I will next read and reply in my next post.

anita

Dear Peter:

Reading through your posts, with the realization of my superiority/ fixing others quests, still, right now, I want to say (regardless of how you or others may perceive it to be): I really care about how you feel, how you experience life. I want you to be okay no less (strangely) than I want to be okay.

I can sense how difficult life has been for you, just as I know how difficult mine has been.

I don’t remember when you said it, or what were your exact words, but paraphrased, you said somewhere: why can’t this little movement (tiny buddha) be a place of transformation?

You said it sometime around the 2016 elections results.

How can we, Peter, join forces and make a positive change???

“This is a daring question,”, says internal critic, “how dare you? Who are you to…?”- and the voice says: “your question will go unanswered. You overstepped, you made Peter feel uncomfortable”-

– and it may have.

Yet this is a raw moment (made possible, I admit, by some after-lunch red wine).

And “why would a raw, naked moment be a problem?” Another voice says.

A naked moment.

anita

Dear Dafne:

You are very welcome, and thank you for being the beautiful soul that you are. I am looking forward to read attentively all that you shared in the post you submitted 15 minutes ago and reply Friday morning (it is Thurs almost noon here). I hope that you have a peaceful night.

anita 🌙 ❤️

Dear Dafne:

You are very welcome and please don’t worry about being late to reply. I am sorry that your anxiety got really bad recently, and I appreciate your empathy and kindness. You are remarkable in this way. Lots of people are not empathetic or kind when they are anxious and suffering.

You are a caring, thoughtful person who values honesty, stability, and mutual respect in relationships, and it shows in your communication right here on this thread.

Understandably, you find it difficult to trust when you sense inconsistencies or dishonesty from the men you’ve met.

On May 4, 2023, you wrote: “One of my biggest challenges is to make my own decisions. I am always afraid that I will hurt a person or that I’ve said or done the wrong thing. That’s why I always ask for someone’s advice. I am afraid of rejection”, and you asked: “how do I break that pattern and why there is so much fear behind any romantic decision… ?”-

– As I see it today, you are understandably suspicious of the men you shared about in this thread, including the current one, but once they act offended by your suspicions, or once they show any sign of rejection of you, your fear (of rejection) takes over and you no longer doubt the men. You doubt yourself instead.

It’s something like this: You understandably doubt a man=> You ask him questions, you ask other people for advice, trying to figure out his trustworthiness or lack of=> The man acts offended by your questions and/ you detect rejection from him => You doubt yourself as well as the advice you received.

Today, you shared that after you and your mother asked him questions at the restaurant, “He got really, really upset and finished our meeting at the restaurant. He got really moody and upset with both of us. He said he doesn’t want to tell us more as he is tired now and that we have no confidence in this project… he made it clear that it was our mistake. I blamed myself and my mother letting her ask too many questions”-

– Once there was an upset reaction from him (a threat of rejection), there was a shift from doubting him (blaming him) to => doubting yourself (blaming yourself). It became no longer a matter of distrust in him, but a matter of distrust in yourself.

“She (your mother) said I am sorry to him so many times but he still ended our meeting. He told me that it is best if we take a break until his project works or see each other less often”- at this point of threatened rejection, he had the Power (as the one threatening rejection) and your mother submitted to his power, asking for his forgiveness.

“I felt like I need to repair it, make him feel good again and make him want to continue”- this is the part of you that very much fears rejection, even from a man you are not attracted to and whom you distrust.

“But the other side of me is telling me now that he was not honest with me or his reaction was not respectful towards both of us”- yes, I believe that he is not honest with you. Thing is that the emotional part of you that is so scared of rejection seems to be stronger than the logical, rational part.

“Do you think Anita that my mother was right? She felt that he is hiding something and getting upset will provide him with escape”- she was right about distrusting the man. But she herself is untrustworthy: she questions him but then apologizes for questioning him- not because she found out that he is trustworthy after all, but because he threatened rejection, or abandonment (leaving the restaurant).

Also, she is untrustworthy in relation to you: “My mother promised to stay with the dog. It all looked well but then her moodiness came back and said no. She said that she has other more important commitments. It is not the first time that I sacrificed my plans for her but this time she was really mean. She provokes fights all the time. One moment she protects my father, the other moment she talks bad things about him” (Dec 29, 2024)-

– The man we’re discussing is untrustworthy and he breaks promises, but same is true in regard to your mother: (1) like him, she breaks promises, having promised you to stay with the dog while you go on a vacation, and then breaking her promise, (2) she provokes fights: you can’t trust a person who provokes fights, (3) one moment, she defends your (undefendable) father, another moment she talks negatively about him.

You shared this about your father: “Once he promised to buy a doll house but he never did. He promised to visit me on time but was always late. When I wanted to speak up and say my opinion, he said that he felt like slapping me as I should never interrupt him” (July 14, 2024)’- He too was/ is untrustworthy, breaking his promises to you, and more.

When parents repeatedly break promises or act unpredictably, it creates a foundational lack of trust, making it difficult for an individual to trust others, including romantic partners. Being criticized, called names, or having one’s feelings invalidated by parents leads to low self-esteem, resulting in excessively seeking validation and approval from others. If a parent reacts negatively to a child’s needs or opinions, the child grows up fearing rejection.

Experiencing inconsistent behavior from parents, such as moodiness or contradictory actions, cause emotional instability and confusion. To avoid conflict or rejection, individuals may develop people-pleasing behaviors, prioritizing others’ needs over their own, leading to imbalanced relationships.

So, Dafne, although I agree that this man is untrustworthy in regard to his work (or lack of work) situation and breaking promises, I figure it’d be difficult for you to trust even a trustworthy man. Am I correct?

Growing up with untrustworthy parents certainly poses challenges in forming trusting romantic relationships as an adult. However, with awareness, communication, and support, it’s possible to overcome these challenges and build meaningful and trusting relationships. Seeking competent professional help and focusing on self-care are crucial steps in this journey.

“How can he handle the life ups & downs in the future? Would you still give him a chance?”- – His reaction to your questions and his general lack of transparency about his project indicate that he’s not adequately equipped to manage life’s ups and downs.

“What would you do in my place?”- -If I were in your place, in your situation, I would prioritize my well-being and mental health by considering competent psychotherapy or counseling, as well as- when you are ready to make such decision- consider living apart and away from your mother, having minimal, structured contact with her (e.g., meeting her in a restaurant for lunch instead of visiting her in her home), as well as continuing to have no contact with your father.

“My mother told me that she felt something is not right and that probably he doesn’t want to work”-
– It’s natural to seek advice from those close to us, but it’s also crucial to consider the reliability and trustworthiness of the sources. When facing significant decisions, especially those involving relationships and emotional well-being, it’s wise to seek advice from individuals who have consistently demonstrated reliability, honesty, and a genuine interest in your best interests.

Additionally, it’s important to listen to your own instincts and feelings. You have the ability to make thoughtful decisions for yourself, even if it takes time and reflection. Learning to rust yourself and recognize your own wisdom is an empowering step forward. Having read your posts over time, I can see that you are intelligent and capable. it’s just that you need to learn to trust your intelligence: your rational and emotional intelligence.

Ultimately, you deserve support and guidance from those who truly have your best interests at heart. Take your time to evaluate the advice you receive and learn to trust your inner voice.

Back to the man: his reluctance to find stable work and the recurring promises without follow-through indicate deeper issues, issues that you cannot fix. Ultimately, you deserve a partner who is reliable, trustworthy, and able to support you through life’s challenges. Take your time to reflect and make decisions that prioritize your mental health.

anita

Thank you for the note, Jana. I wish you a good rest of the week & weekend and… Love, peace and best wishes! ❤️🙏

anita

* Here is a poem for you, Peter:

In the quiet corner of an old journal,
Lie thoughts that pierce the human heart,
The quest for understanding, both external and eternal,
Excites the mind, yet keeps it set apart.

A notion of truth, so clear, so bright,
Yet doing so keeps it at arm’s length,
A part of you wishes to believe, in the light,
But fear holds back with its subtle strength.

Fear doesn’t always roar or fight,
Nor does it scream in broad daylight.
Instead, it whispers in the night,
Its quiet whispers, out of sight.

It weaves through thoughts, a shadow thin,
An insidious thread beneath the skin.
Pervasive presence, silent spin,
Influencing from within.

Its power lies, not in the loud,
But in the way it wears a shroud.
Controlling actions, subtle, proud,
A master hidden in the crowd.

Unseen, it molds the way you feel,
A force that time and thoughts conceal.
Without awareness, it can steal
The dreams you hold, the goals you seal.

Seeking to protect from the finding,
The comfort of search, a veil so thin,
Hints that whisper from deep within.

Out of the corner of your eye, a glimpse,
Ending the duality of form and formless,
When inner dependency on form no longer limps.

Finding joy and satisfaction in the journey is the way of progress,
If you enjoy the process, you’ll be more motivated, surely,
Regardless of the outcome, you’ll feel blessed.

Embrace the journey, each small step,
Let not fear hold you back, nor confine,
For in the process, you’ll find depth,
And the true essence of life divine.

Dear Tom:

Thank you for continuing to share how you’ve been feeling. It’s a good thing that you’re continuing with your gratitude practice and using the Calm app, and I’m glad these are providing some relief.

The feelings of anxiety and overwhelm in regard to work must be really tough to handle, especially when it’s impacting your sleep. It’s completely understandable to feel conflicted about staying in a job that provides financial security while also feeling lost and unsure about what to do next.

Society often equates success with professional achievements and financial stability. However, true success also includes your overall well-being and satisfaction. By prioritizing your mental health, you acknowledge that success encompasses more than just external accomplishments. Chronic stress and anxiety can lead to serious health issues over time. By focusing on your well-being now, you’re investing in your long-term health.

It’s okay to step back when something is harming your well-being. It’s about reclaiming your agency (your sense of control over your life; exercising your power to make changes that are advantageous to you, personally). You have the right to create a life that supports your well-being. It’s not only okay but necessary to focus on what brings you peace and fulfillment, regardless of external pressures or fears of failure.

I can relate to how difficult it can be to open up fully to your partner and friends about what you’re going through, but having their support (if you do share the complete picture and if they are supportive in return) can make a significant difference. Seeking professional guidance from a career counselor or therapist might help you explore your options and gain clarity on your next steps.

You’re not alone in this, and I’m here to support you. Keep being kind to yourself, and know that it’s okay to seek help and take things one step at a time. Your well-being matters, and you deserve to find a path that brings you peace and fulfillment.

anita