Dear Omyk:

I am sorry that you lost your wife!

“My in laws told me that they expected me to look for a new partner and remarry soon, for mine and my child’s sake. They said this two weeks after I buried my wife! Other friends reassured me that I’ll ‘find someone.’“- your wife’s parents and friends thought you can easily replace your wife with another woman, just like that! They were after an easy & quick solution to a tragedy that had befallen you.

“I am increasingly liking my independence… I’m starting to believe that I can grow into this… not wanting to have another life partner… I honestly don’t want to use someone who wants to date intentionally. This is not about sex – I have a reasonably strong moral compass and I would want sex only if I was going to actually marry for love… I have two challenges. the first is myself. What system of accountability mechanism can I create to hold off the occasional weird urge to sign up on a dating app?“- respect your liking for independence. I hope that you place your strong moral compass above an occasional urge.

“he’s still happily married and somehow seems to think he knows more about post-marital dating“- he thinks he knows more. Doesn’t mean he knows more.

“My friend told me that y’all helped her through a tough situation with a borderline bf that ended better than she expected, so I’m hopeful for some wisdom here. A big thank to you all.”– please say hello to your friend!

About wisdom: replacing your wife easily and quickly is not a wise endeavor, nor is it respectful to her or to you.

anita

Dear Dave:

You are welcome. Good to read that you are certainly fine and dandy without a partner (since May), having been focused on your own mental health and well-being, and that you don’t intend to make rash decisions that could damage the work you’ve done over the last 14 months!

“I also feel its important to clarify that she has hinted and indirectly highlighted that she has feelings for me that have just never gone away“- do you know why she hinted that she has feelings vs directly telling you so?

“I wouldn’t in anyway consider trying to make a permanent move with her if the points you make above were not addressed and clarified… Maybe I should have clarified that providing she can offer me some assurance and take some responsibility for her part in the breakup and relationship breakdown then I’d be interested to explore it??“- I think so, yes. I would discuss with her the topics of Responsibility and Respect. And perhaps (?) another topic that I came across this morning, when replying to another thread: the principle of least interest.

From psychology today/ power imbalances in  relationships explained:  “Why is it that we often find ourselves in romantic quagmires, where one person just seems to care more about the relationship than the other? The answer boils down to the principle of least interest. In 1938, sociologist Willard Waller coined this theory on the belief that most couples are not equally committed or invested in a relationship—therefore, the person who is less committed has more control over what happens to the relationship”.

anita

Dear Clara:

“I fear  that she does not love me anymore… I am really afraid of the negative (for me) outcome“- if she doesn’t break up with you, if she tells you that the relationship is on again, what will your reaction be?

I imagine that you will be much relieved, the fear gone, at that moment. Will you thank her, will you promise to be good..?

The problem, as I see it, is a serious power imbalance within the relationship, if it resumes (and anger on your part about the imbalance).

I am not saying that she planned to have power over you, but this is how it turned out to be. It seems like she’s been calm during the break and you can’t sleep, fretting, dependent on her Yes, or No.

From psychology today/ power imbalances in  relationships explained:  “Why is it that we often find ourselves in romantic quagmires, where one person just seems to care more about the relationship than the other? The answer boils down to the principle of least interest. In 1938, sociologist Willard Waller coined this theory on the belief that most couples are not equally committed or invested in a relationship—therefore, the person who is less committed has more control over what happens to the relationship”.

You’ve been focusing on her Yes or No, but look farther than that point. Her Yes (to the relationship) may be more of a problem than a No.

During these last days of the break, please empower yourself, so that you are a strong, powerful Clara when you meet her.

anita

Dear Franco:

It seems like she (the one you are interested in) is not interested in you, but I am not sure. Maybe her colleague is interested in you, and she does not want to interfere, I don’t know. There is no substitute to actually asking her, kindly and directly, and receive her Yes, or her No.

It takes courage to ask. I understand.

anita

I will read and reply in hours from now.

anita

Dear Franco:

“the girl I like turned quickly, looked at me, and immediately turned her back. Yesterday, I received a like on a photo from her colleague that was posted more than a week ago. I wouldn’t want her colleague to like me. I’m confused because I’m not interested in her colleague as she is much older than me.“- I understand your confusion.

It is concerning that the one you are interested in turned your back to you (without a smile/ a sign of recognition?)

Perhaps, at the bar, she looked in your direction, but didn’t see you, didn’t register in her mind that you were there?

anita

Dear Famo:

I had a moment of recognition when I saw the photo above your screen name, and it may be that  you are using the same screen name as before..? It seems like we communicated before, but under a different account (when I click on your screen name, I don’t get your previous threads). Can you give me a link to our past communication, or tell me the month and year we talked last, and the title of the thread?

Thank you for your appreciation and sentiment!

“For about 20 days now, he has been saying that he is not feeling well and cannot keep up social relations with anyone, and this has triggered me. 1. I feel that this is the beginning of my being ignored in the relationship. 2. I feel that his friends and I are on the same level for him, and I don’t have a special place because when he said ‘no one,’ I was also included among ‘everyone.’… I remember being told by him that I’m too sensitive and that he can’t talk to me without second-guessing everything“-

– he told you that he is not feeling well. Your focus, in the quote above, was not on him not feeling well (what causes him to not feel well, when did it start, what are his symptoms, etc.). Your focus instead was on your fear of being ignored by him, and on his use of the word “anyone”, or “no one” or “everyone” to mean that you are not special to him, that you are not more important to him than other people.

Seems to me that you exhibit (many people do) The Anxious Attachment Style where you fear abandonment, and are focused on possible pieces of evidence that indicate that he is about to abandon you/ end the relationship.

If you complained to him in the past about his use of this or that word to mean more than what it meant (i.e., that he doesn’t think you are special), that would make a person second guess himself, being afraid to say the “wrong” word: the word that will trigger and upset you.

“He doesn’t share his problems with me… many times at work that he randomly shares information about his personal life and family with colleagues. I wonder why I should learn these things at work from him telling others, and not directly from him… he thought he could joke and mess around with me like with other workmates (at work), but I’m not the type to enjoy joking around“- You expressed to him that you don’t like his joking around. In other words, you rejected his expression of himself (his sense of humor) while other co-workers, I imagine, accepted and approved of his sense of humor. No wonder he feels comfortable expressing more of himself with his co-workers.

“When I ask him what’s up, he always answers with ‘nothing!‘”- this is congruent with him secondguessing himself, afraid to say something that will trigger you.

“I see myself as a thoughtful and careful person when he talks to me. I try to listen more than talk every time“- except when you get triggered?

“being ignored… I feel that… I don’t have a special place…I feel unimportant and stressed… feeling neglected in this situation“- you wrote this in regard to your relationship, but does this fit with how you felt as a child?

The above quote fits with my experience as a child: I felt painfully un-special. Other children (and adults) were getting positive attention while I was ignored and neglected. Fast forward, as a teenager and adult, I was very sensitive to any sign that I was ignored and un-special to people: words they said or didn’t say, expressions on their faces when talking to me vs talking to others, etc. Etc., often feel triggered, hurt, envious, and angry.

anita

Dear anonymous:

You are welcome and thank you for your kindness and appreciation of me and your other responders!

“It is not an easy task for me to open up… I shared few other things with my brother today and I cried during the whole conversation. I am thankful to him he patiently listened to me. I plan to gradually share  my whole story  with him. Never thought opening up would be that difficult“- healing is in sharing with/ opening up to people who will listen to you patiently and respectfully. It will get easier with practice, you will see!

“I have started  practicing meditation in the morning. It has helped me a bit“- any bit of help is a good thing.

Good reading back from you and hoping to read more. If it helps you to post here, please do, anytime you feel like it.

anita