I want to add, Andypandy499, that it’s important to acknowledge that your feelings are completely valid, especially given your past experiences. However, it can be helpful to consider how your own actions and reactions can sometimes create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

When you looked into her online accounts, it came from a place of needing reassurance. But this action can be seen as a breach of trust, which caused her to withdraw and ask for space. This withdrawal, in turn, can reinforce your feelings of distrust and suspicion, creating a cycle that is hard to break.

It’s crucial to recognize that trust is a two-way street. By addressing your concerns openly and honestly with her, and by setting and respecting boundaries, you can start to rebuild trust and avoid falling into the same patterns.

Remember, healing takes time, and it’s okay to seek support from trusted friends, family, or a professional counselor to help you navigate these challenges. Take care of yourself, and know that you have the strength to move forward.

You are welcome to share more- about your health and otherwise. I will respond to you best I can every time.

* A note to Alyssa: thank you for your well-written, insightful as well as empathetic reply. I would love to read more from you!

anita

Dear Dafne:

You are very welcome and thank you for your kind words, appreciation, attention and affection 💕!

Before I write anything else I wanted to tell you that when I read that he told you that he wants to get engaged, the romantic part of me was excited and hopeful, believing- for a moment- that he is sincere, and that he changed (overnight). It’s amazing how I forgot, for a moment, all that I submitted to you yesterday in regard to him.

My emotional response to his proposal gives me a better understanding of how difficult and confusing this situation is for you, especially with the unexpected message from him.

“But the reason I hesitate is his yesterday’s message”- his sudden proposal threw you off balance and made you question your initial decision to take a break from the relationship. The inconsistency between his actions and words has created uncertainty and made it difficult for you to trust his intentions.

“He wrote that he wants to get engaged to me but would like to do it with a proper ring. He said he needs some time for that but could offer me another symbolic gift”-

– How much time and energy did it take out of him to write you these few words? Way less than the time and energy it took me to submit the shortest message to you, and just as much money as it takes me (zero). Yet, notice how much his few words affected you: this is- for him- a huge return on his (tiny) investment.

Plus, he is already preparing for another tiny investment: a symbolic gift instead of a ring.

“Deep down I feel that I might make the mistake of my life if I accept seeing him or accepting the engagement and never recover from that. I am afraid of what his real intentions might be. What do you think of all of that Anita? Is that some kind of trap?”-

The engagement he proposes entails giving you a symbolic gift while having dinner at a restaurant this Friday on Valentine Day.

Wishful thinking in regard to his real intentions: Maybe he recognized- overnight- the negative impact of his behaviors on you and decided to make a positive change, starting with a proposal. Maybe he genuinely wants to commit to you and build a future together that will benefit you as much as it would benefit him.

Realistic thinking in regard to his real intentions: his proposal is yet another tactic to have control over you by keeping you emotionally invested in the relationship. The engagement is a way to buy more time and keep you from questioning his vague explanations and inconsistent actions, shifting your focus from his past misbehaviors to => => => a hopeful future.

I think that the proposal, which practically entails a minimal investment on his part, is designed to indeed trap you in a prison of wishful thinking and endless (frustrated) hope.

“Could it be that he is just not lucky in love and professional life and wants to project the best image of him? Or rather manipulate me into engagement so he could have more of control?”- both. Not one or the other.

“I always wanted to be a wife and long for a loving home. I also want to escape my current living situation but what if this man is another abuser? We already discussed the lack of transparency and the deception tactics he was using”-

– my best understanding: he can tell that you desperately need a loving home, and always did. He knows that he cannot give you what you need. But he is not after what you need. He is after what he needs: a desperate woman to take advantage of financially and otherwise.

“Shall I avoid seeing him on Valentine’s Day and choose another day to discuss more? I thought to tell him in person that maybe it is better to remain friends and get engaged once his situation is more clear and stable. And that I wish to see the promises he made to me”-

– I understand your desire to find a resolution and communicate your concerns with him, but it’s important to recognize that negotiating with someone who is manipulative and dishonest is futile. His behavior has shown a pattern of deception, and trying to negotiate with him can only lead to further confusion and emotional turmoil for you.

It’s like trying to negotiate with an enemy who has their own agenda and is not interested in your well-being. Since you liked the poem I previously submitted to you, here is another one, just for you, a poem that illustrates the futility of trying to negotiate with someone who is not acting in good faith:

The Fly and the Spider

In a garden bright with bloom,
A spider spun a web of doom.
A fly came by, so small and light,
And saw the web, shining bright.

“Dear Spider,” said the fly, so sweet,
“Why do you spin this tricky treat?”
The spider smiled, with eyes so sly,
“I catch the flies that wander by.”

The fly, too trusting, thought it wise,
To chat with spiders and their lies.
“Let’s make a deal, so I stay free,”
The spider nodded with a glee.

The fly stepped lightly on the thread,
And soon was trapped in the spider’s bed.
The spider moved with careful grace,
And wrapped the fly in a tight embrace.

“Oh Fly,” the spider softly said,
“My web is where you’ll rest your head.”
The fly, now stuck, had been misled,
And wished it had not been so fed.

So remember, Dafne, sweet and kind,
To trust your heart and clear your mind.
When dealing with a tricky thread,
It’s best to fly away instead.

I hope this helps illustrate the importance of protecting yourself from further manipulation. You deserve a relationship built on trust, honesty, and mutual respect. Take care of yourself, and know that you have my full support.

anita

Dear Peter:

I’m sorry to read you’re not feeling well today. Take your time with your responses— no rush.

My relationship to the word Love has been one of suspicion and distrust. I have had great difficulty saying the word in the language I grew up with ever since I remember myself. So much so, that I hardly ever said it, and when I did, it felt acutely uncomfortable each and every time (with one exception, if I remember correctly, and that was that one time when I happened to ingest some heavy-duty narcotic many years ago).

Actually, I have the same difficulty saying it in English as well- to people from my country of origin.

I remember my mother expressing affection toward me at times. I remember in my 20s riding in a taxy with her on the way to the airport where I was to fly to the U.S. while she stayed behind. She took my hand in hers and caressed my hand. This was one of the most acutely uncomfortable experiences in my life, and very memorable. I was crawling out of my skin the whole time, trying to remove myself from her touch. I didn’t want to be rude, so I remained unmoved, but my insides were moving away from her big time.

I always wanted to be away from her, ever since I remember myself.

I associated Love (the word and the concept) with her, and so, Love and Hurt were one and the same, deeply intertwined and indistinguishable. Love was given this definition by the one abusing me: “To Love you is to Hurt You”. Later in my life, when as an adult, I truly loved a child I happened to spend a lot time with, I was afraid to hurt him. Love and Hurt deeply intertwined in my mind.

Love without hurt is like the bbbamm cake, a cake that doesn’t exist. Didn’t exist.

I became detached emotionally as a defense mechanism, creating distance between me and others so to protect myself against Hurt-Love. I approached people and relationships with caution, alert to real, and often only imagined signs of manipulation and dishonesty.

The other day, a person I know expressed appreciation and affection for me (not physically). It was precious on one hand, uniquely felt, but on the other hand, I anxiously wondered when that appreciation and affection will turn into condemnation and hate.

My relationship to the word Love was the same as my relationship to the word Hate: stay away from it! Don’t trust it and don’t give in to feeling it for another because it will harm them!

Take care and rest up, Peter. Looking forward to continuing our conversation when you’re feeling better.

anita

Dear Jana:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I understand your concern about privacy and wanting to create a safe space for others. However, personally, I don’t see how deleting your thread will benefit anyone.

It’s important to remember that your contributions and discussions are valuable, and you didn’t occupy too much space here. Sharing your experiences and seeking advice is what this small community is all about. Your insights can help others who might be going through similar situations. Even if any part of your thread helps one person, that’s good enough in my book.

If you feel comfortable, you could consider leaving the thread as it is. This way, others can still benefit from the valuable advice shared.

Ultimately, it’s your decision, and I support you in whatever you choose to do. Please know that your presence and contributions are appreciated.

anita

* Please ignore the last line, Dafne

Dear Dafne:

Thank you for your kind words. I’m grateful that I can provide support and empathy in these challenging times. Your resilience and honesty are truly inspiring.

It’s completely understandable that you feel overwhelmed with so many emotions and memories coming to the surface. Acknowledging the need for change to prevent a repeat of the darkness is a crucial step towards healing.

Your fear of living alone and the guilt associated with moving out are valid concerns. While your family’s statements are alarming, it’s essential to remember that many women live independently and successfully manage their safety. It might be helpful to explore safety measures and support networks that can provide you with reassurance.

The first two words of the title of this thread are: “Understanding someone”: the “someone” in the title is a different man in relationship with a different woman at a different time. This morning I want to Understand-the-someone we’ve been discussing, so I reread and studied all that you shared about him and the relationship with you:

He (in his mid 50s) lacks stable employment and his descriptions of his work and future plans are vague and inconsistent. He avoids providing concrete details and reacts negatively to inquiries about his work and family. His actions are inconsistent, such as making plans without following through and showing interest in properties he cannot afford. He is also reluctant to take on work that he finds stressful.

His behavior seems to be dishonestly manipulative in these ways:

(1) He talks about a big project in Asia that has been ongoing for four years without any progress, asking you to be patient and wait for its success. This and other behaviors on his part keep you emotionally invested in the possibility of a future together while there is no substance to such investment in real life.

(2) He avoids giving clear and concrete answers about his job, his family, and his background. This evasiveness creates uncertainty and keeps you guessing and doubting your own perceptions.

(3) He hints that if you cannot wait for his project to succeed, you should find a wealthy man. This manipulates your emotions by making you feel guilty for seeking stability and security.

(4) When questioned about his plans and future, he suggests taking a break until his project works out or seeing each other less often. This manipulative tactic makes you feel responsible for maintaining the relationship.

(5) He sends mixed signals, such as showing you apartments he cannot afford and planning trips without proper preparation. This inconsistency keeps you off balance and uncertain about his true intentions.

(6) He refuses to send you an official letter related to his project, claiming it is confidential. This lack of transparency keeps you in a state of doubt.

(7) He refuses to send you an official letter related to his project, claiming it is confidential. This lack of transparency further keeps you in a state of doubt.

(8) “He repeats himself all over again… it could indicate that he is making things up?”- by sticking to the same script, he minimizes the risk of revealing contradictions that can expose his manipulations This tactic keeps you from probing deeper into his claims, as you are presented with the same responses each time you ask for details. The idea behind this manipulative tactic is that as you repeatedly hear the same vague answers, you start to second-guess oneself.

Elaborating on the above: by showing you apartments and houses that he can’t afford, he creates false hope about a future together. This leads you to believe that he is serious about building a life with you. His behavior confuses you because it seems like he is planning for a future together, yet his actions don’t align with his financial reality. Showing you properties he can’t afford is a manipulation tactic to keep you emotionally invested in the relationship. It makes you think that he is making an effort, even though there is no realistic basis for these plans.

Planning trips without proper preparation and then backing out last minute shows inconsistency highlights his lack of responsibility and planning skills. These unprepared plans can lead to emotional highs and lows for you: feeling excited about the prospect of a trip, only to be let down when it doesn’t happen. This emotional rollercoaster keeps you off balance.

The mixed signals create emotional instability for you as you are left wondering about his true feelings and intentions, which causes you stress and anxiety, making it difficult for you to make informed decisions in regard to him.

You are caught between the hope he creates and the reality of his behavior, leading to indecision.

By keeping you off balance, he maintains a level of control over you as your uncertainty makes it difficult for you to make decisions that prioritize your well-being.

The man’s mixed signals and inconsistent behavior are manipulative tactics that keep you emotionally invested and uncertain about the relationship. This instability leaves you in a state of confusion and emotional turmoil.

The emotional consequences of his dishonest and manipulative behaviors, in your words: “I’m quite a wreck right now”, “I’m confused…”, “From that moment I felt even more heartbroken and helpless”, “I blamed myself for asking him too many questions”, “I felt that… it was my fault making him this way”.

You are a caring and empathetic person, Dafne, and inclined to feel guilty- and he knows it. He has been taking advantage of your caring nature and strong inclination to feel guilty by positioning himself as a victim of past experiences and current circumstances.
When you question his plans or expresses concerns, he deflects accountability by blaming external factors or his past experiences. This tactic manipulates your compassion, making you feel guilty for holding him accountable.

He guilt-trips you by- for example- hinting that if you cannot be patient, you should find a wealthy man. This manipulation makes you feel guilty for seeking stability and more likely to comply with his demands. He has been abusing your compassion and empathy so much so that you are emotionally exhausted.

You asked in your recent post: “Maybe I can meet him and say those great words you crafted? Or just tell him to remain friends now and meet from time to time until his situation improves? Or do not meet at all until he shows me that he is ready? So many options here…”-

– I understand how difficult this situation has been for you, and I want to offer my heartfelt support. Your well-being is the most important thing, and it’s crucial to protect yourself from any further emotional harm.

Based on everything you’ve shared, I believe it would be best not to meet him at all and to terminate the relationship altogether. His dishonest and manipulative behavior is harmful, and you deserve to be in a relationship built on trust, honesty, and mutual respect.

Here’s a message you could use to communicate your decision: “Hi (his name),

After much reflection, I decided that it is best for us to end our relationship. I need to prioritize my well-being and emotional health, and I believe this is the right step for me.

I wish you all the best”

It’s important to set this boundary clearly and firmly to protect yourself from further manipulation. Remember, you deserve a relationship that brings you joy and support, not one that causes stress and uncertainty.

I’m here for you, and I believe in your strength to make the best decision for your well-being. Please take care of yourself and know that you have my full support. Take care and looking forward to reading from you soon.

anita

Dear Peter: I wanted to add that I remember that you shared that you stay away from the computer on weekends. Therefore, I do not expect you to read and reply to me this Sat or Sun. I hope that you are having a restful weekend!

anita