How are you, Nichole?

How are you, Arden??

How are you, Robi?

How are you, Laven?

Dear Ada:

In this reply, I’ll try to separate objective reality from emotional reality as clearly as I can.

Objective reality:

* Sam and Sarah are no longer “best friends.” Their contact now is limited to exchanging a few greetings here and there:

“He talks to her significantly less… Over several years… Sam has been less and less involved in Sarah’s life to the point where they only exchange a few greetings here and there now. I guess ‘best friend’ isn’t a fair label anymore.”

* Sam hasn’t met with Sarah in person for about four years—ever since shortly after the two of you began dating:

“Shortly after we started dating, we took advantage of the pandemic and remote work, and decided on a bit of a nomadic lifestyle, living in many cities across the US for a few years.”

* A few months ago, after moving back to your home city, Sam suggested that you meet Sarah—this would be your first time meeting her, and his first in about four years:

“Now that we have moved back in the area, he’s talking about meeting up with her again… A few months ago, we moved back to our home city, and recently he said he wanted me to meet Sarah.”

Emotional reality:

“My boyfriend’s relationship with his female best friend… I can’t seem to accept this relationship… the emotional intimacy of it is really eating away at me….”

And yet, if their current contact is minimal—just “a few greetings here and there”—what emotional intimacy actually exists now?

In my earlier replies, I may have confused the emotional reality you’re experiencing with the objective reality you’ve described. It seems what’s causing you distress isn’t what’s happening now, but what could happen if past emotional intimacy resumes. Perhaps the deeper fear is that if that connection rekindles, he’ll choose her over you.

Maybe the ache pulsing beneath it all is the lingering imprint of a childhood wound— that of being overlooked perhaps, or being quietly cast aside, or un-chosen in favor of someone so unlike you..?

With care, Anita

* I neglected part of my reply in the previous submission:

Dear Ada:

“Part of my resentment towards Sam stems from not feeling like he truly values who I am — reserved, conservative, introspective.”-

Ada, your honesty here is powerful. I wonder if the ache you describe might be less about Sam not valuing those parts of you, and more about you not fully valuing them yourself. When we stand firm in our own quiet strengths—our thoughtfulness, our depth, our sensitivity—the need to be seen and affirmed by another softens. It doesn’t vanish, but it stops feeling like proof of worth.

Growth doesn’t mean becoming like Sarah, of course. Growth might mean celebrating the elegance of your own inner rhythm. And maybe, gently, allowing it to take up more space in your relationship—not with loudness, but with certainty.

You don’t need to abandon who you are to be loved well. You only need to stand where you are and decide that it’s enough.

From what you’ve shared, I sense that Sam does value you—he listens, respects your emotions, shares common values, and wants to make the relationship work. But the inner conflict seems to come from you not yet fully embracing your own temperament and identity. You said, “part of me feels insecure about not having the opposite qualities,” and that’s such an honest reflection. But being reserved, conservative, introspective—those aren’t deficits. They’re gifts.

Of course, that doesn’t mean Sam’s behavior hasn’t contributed to the discomfort—it’s possible that both are playing a role. But I wonder if anchoring more deeply in your own self-worth might ease some of the ache around being seen.

🤍 Anita

Hi Alessa 😄❤️

Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m really glad the conversation has been meaningful for you—and your insights as both a parent and a seeker add such depth to the thread. I’m grateful for how you show up here.

And absolutely—if @Tommy feels drawn to this topic, he would be more than welcome to join in. His voice would be a valuable addition to what’s unfolding here.

With warmth and appreciation, Anita 🤍🤗