Dear Clara:

You are always welcome. “do you mean due to her compartmentalization, objectively she should be having a less ‘tough’ time, but then she already is feeling it ‘very tough’ since she  mostly compartmentalize, and that what is happening is already ‘ too much’ for her?“- no, I didn’t mean that. I meant that due to her compartmentalization she is having way less of a (subjective) tough time than you do. I think that in regard to her, you compartmentalize very little, or rarely, and that’s why you have been having much more of a tough time than she has. I think that this is true for the entirety of the break and after.

That a person compartmentalizes as a defense mechanism against stress (tough time), that’s true. I imagine that before she habitually compartmentalized, she experienced intense stress/ tough time (like you experience it). But that was before she met you.  Throughout the break and since the break, seems to me, her defense mechanism worked very well for her: if she had even close to as much of a tough time as you have had, she would have reached out to you (early) during the break and initiate a talk about the possibility of getting back together, she wouldn’t have the state of mind to enjoy time with her friends, and she wouldn’t be late to pick up her things because of spending a night out with her friends.

In regard to my input (“Clara mental box is of a lower priority (at least since the break, if not before) than her friends mental box and her business mental box“,  you responded: “I think this is true also. I think before the break up  it was true as well.. She treated me more like a duty than act out of love indeed“-

– like a duty, a bit robotically, operating by logic, not by emotions.. Her (stronger) emotions repressed (subconsciously/ unintentionally pushed down), or suppressed (consciously, intentionally pushed down) is what I figure.

“I think throughout the relationship, she compartmentalize things. there were times when she was upset or not happy about things/ me/ others. She would put it away and just do whatever the situations require… She called this ‘let the feelings just go’… This happened to her work also, she did what the situations required, and until a point where she felt burn out and needed to leave the company. She left this current company and took a few months break two years ago, because she ‘burned out’. ‘burned out’ is the word she used, to describe our relationship too. She was too tired to try anymore“-

– she lets the feelings just go under (suppresses them), does what the situation requires, like a duty (above), robotically, but she is still human (not a robot), so her repressed/ suppressed emotions eventually rise up to her awareness and overwhelm her enough to quit (a job, a partner). She then rests and resume effective compartmentalization.

“She said I didn’t need to do too much in the relationship, as in no need to be so deliberate and buy gifts/ celebrate too elaborate on occasion..“- I don’t think that she lost feelings for you because you didn’t buy her gifts and go celebrating.

“Or may be, she just unconsciously want this to slip away?“- she felt burned out in the relationship => she quit.

“She decided on a breakup, but she seemed to be devastated by the fact that she needed to move out.. as if she did not know breaking up =… she needed to move out from the house“- she was too burned out to think ahead (about moving out). Like you shared above, after she quit her job, she took a break (didn’t look for another job). Similarly, she quit you and took a break, in your house (not looking for another place to live).

“I used to be the one who shared her emotions and gave her a lot insights on herself and on the situations (she said she valued how I help her analyze the work dynamic and emotions/ feelings which is one of my strength indeed)“- your insight couldn’t have changed her lifetime habit (by now) of suppressing emotions=> emotions erupt=> burnout=> she quits and rests (not planning ahead).

“After yesterday, I did ask my friends and I did think if I managed anything wrongly… she just goes with the flow, and now obviously she is someone who does not prioritize me as well“- (1) I don’t think that you were wrong, in any way, shape, or form, to ask her to move out ASAP of your own house, after she broke up with you, (2) seems to me that going with the flow, for her, means something like this: suppressing emotions=> emotions erupt=> burnout=> quitting and resting=> repeat.

“My second therapy session tonight, I will see if my therapist has any insight and see if she can help me deal with my frustration better“- how did it go?

anita

Dear John:

“I know this is a very old thread but I’ve become somewhat desperate for insight into my own situation“- did you notice that the last post submitted in this thread (before yours) was submitted on July 28, 2024, only 8 days ago, and that page 6-11 are all posts from this year?

You may get insight reading further than the original post of Aug 26, 2015..?

anita

Dear t:

You are welcome!  “He told me he would tell me if he ever truly didn’t want sex. These types of distinctions seem very important to him… ‘It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go to your plans, it was that I was tired and didn’t feel like doing the planned activity. I would tell you if I actually didn’t want to do something.’) I am trying to understand his perspective but really struggling“- reads to me like his emotions are repressed or suppressed (pushed down), and he has trouble understanding what it is that he is feeling, that he is aware when he definitely doesn’t want to do something, but he is unsure if and when he does want to do something.

“He explained that he didn’t understand why I wanted him to be honest instead of giving an excuse“-  I am guessing that dissociated, he doesn’t know what he is feeling much of the time. Therefore,  emotional honesty is not possible for him much of the time.

How are you, t? I wonder what you think of the last 2 replies that you received..

anita

Dear Clara:

From what I understand, you have clearly let her know how important it is to you that she removes all her belongings from your house as soon as possible, but she arrived late at your house to remove her stuff “because she just came back from a one night trip with her friends“.

“Later at night I texted her and asked if she could talk or hear what I said… She said we could talk 2 weeks later, after her business trip“- you shared earlier that she is good at compartmentalizing.

From very well mind: “You may understand compartmentalization as a defense mechanism that allows you to keep anxiety in check by separating certain thoughts or emotions from others, essentially putting them into different mental ‘boxes'”-

– seems to me that her Clara mental box is of a lower priority (at least since the break, if not before) than her friends mental box and her business mental box.

“She said it was really tough for her…  I was very frustrated because this is what she has chosen, she has chosen to break up“- I understand your frustration. Seems to me that her subjective experience of “really tough“, made possible by effective compartmentalizing, is way less tough than your un-compartmentalized subjective experience of really tough.

Back to very well mind/ how to compartmentalize to reduce stress: “Compartmentalization Can Be Healthy- If used in moderation and combined with self-reflection… Compartmentalization allows you to temporarily set aside the burden of dealing with heavy emotions, giving way to mental clarity and helping to prevent emotional burnout… There are many benefits to using compartmentalization to manage your stress. Some of them include: Stress reduction… Improved focus and productivity… Improved work-life balance… Better decision-making”.

“When Compartmentalization Becomes Unhealthy- … While effective, using this technique to manage stress constantly can quickly cause you to repress emotions instead of dealing with them…Unresolved feelings may resurface as anxiety, depression, or other mental health disorders… compartmentalizing can quickly become a way of avoiding emotional confrontation and resolution. This avoidance can prolong emotional distress and hinder your personal growth… Using this technique habitually could create emotional barriers between you and your loved ones, hindering communication and connection. In the long run, this can lead to feelings of isolation and damage interpersonal relationships…

“How to Compartmentalize in a Healthy Way- When you master how to compartmentalize healthily, this technique can become a valuable tool to help you manage stress and cope with complex emotions…. It’s crucial to remember that compartmentalization should only be used as a temporary tool. This technique is not meant to be a permanent solution to your life’s emotional challenges and daily stressors. It should only be used to manage overwhelming situations, with the understanding that you need to revisit processing and resolve the emotions you shelve. This is necessary for your long-term well-being”.

What do you think/ feel about the above, Clara?

anita

Dear Clara:

I read your recent post and would like to reply further tomorrow morning (night time here). In regard to “After they left I was feeling a bit frustrated  and angry, and texted her, saying ‘ you are an absolute idiot ah~~~~”she was apologetic“- what do you mean by “ah~~~~“?

anita

Dear Clara:

It’s a process: to grieve lost love, to let go of wishing it wasn’t lost. Please feel free to post anytime, if it helps a bit to express how you feel, what you think, how life is for you at this time.

anita