Dear Laven:

I read every word of your post above. It’s deeply disheartening to see how the adults in positions of authority—your foster mom, the temporary foster parents while she traveled, and the teacher you described—so profoundly failed you. The lack of support you received growing up, along with the neglect and mistreatment by churchgoers as well, is heartbreaking.

And yet, despite her abusiveness, your foster mom seems to have remained a central figure in your life. Somehow, in your experience, she still represented a kind of “better”, better than the alternatives—a place you connected with the feeling of home. I can see why she still matters to you at this time.

I just wish you’d been able to associate that sense of home with something—or someone— who treated you right. You deserve that.

I’m looking forward to hearing more of your story, Laven.

With care, Anita

Dear Tea:

Your words hold so much depth, strength, softness, and truth. You’ve clearly done deep, courageous work—unraveling the knots of purity culture, reclaiming your body, and choosing to heal. It shows not only that you’re capable of love, but that you already carry within you the depth and emotional generosity that real love requires.

And yes, it makes sense that losing the connection with your last boyfriend would feel like losing a sacred part of your self-expression. Because that relationship wasn’t just about sex or romance—it was about becoming more yourself.

Your longing doesn’t mean you’re broken or codependent or “too much.” It means you’re alive. Still growing. Still hungry for a love that meets you where you are now—not where you were forced to be in the past.

So when you ask, “Maybe I’m asking for permission?”—Tea, consider this a wholehearted yes:

Yes, you’re allowed to crave touch and closeness.

Yes, it’s okay to feel sad, frustrated, or lonely—even when your life is full in other ways.

Yes, your desire for soulful companionship is not a weakness—it’s a compass.

Your kind of depth, Tea, doesn’t always show up in the usual fast-paced dating apps. But it can be found. Sometimes it’s about placing yourself where people are already showing up with the kind of energy you value.

You might find meaningful connection in settings like workshops or gatherings such as writing circles, expressive art workshops, improv classes, dance classes, yoga workshops, Tai Chi- these help reconnect people with their physical body as a source of emotion, intuition, and grounding—not just fitness. You might want to try mindfulness or meditation retreats, or volunteering with causes that mean something to you—shared purpose can lead to shared insight.

The goal may not be to “look” for someone—but to show up in places where the kind of people you’d want to know are showing up too.

With care, Anita

Sorry (typing on my phone), I meant: You are welcome,L a v e n 😉

Dear Emma:

My hand is all better now—good as new. The stinging lasted a few hours and then disappeared completely. But it made me think about how some wounds don’t heal that easily.

When a nettle touches the skin, it leaves behind tiny hollow needles that pierce the surface and release a chemical mix. It causes a sharp, itchy, burning sensation, almost like a temporary neural injury.

Emotional wounds—especially the ones we carry from childhood—aren’t like that. When someone is deeply hurt early in life by judgment, neglect, or criticism, the pain doesn’t just disappear. It lives in the nervous system, in the expectations we place on others, and in how we love. And we can’t become “good as new.” Not quite.

But we can find healing. For me, expressing those childhood wounds through journaling made a real difference. Writing—slowly, over time—helped release decades of hurt I had pushed down. The pain isn’t gone completely, but the intensity is no longer what it was. The old hurt doesn’t leap into the present anymore, doesn’t hijack my interactions or confuse my relationships. Everything feels simpler now. Clearer. Easier to meet life as it is.

That kind of expression can be overwhelming, though. Sometimes it’s too much to hold alone, which is why therapy—or the right person to listen—can help. And even then, it’s not about pouring it all out at once. It’s about letting just a little of it come to the surface at a time, and honoring what comes.

If you ever feel like sharing more of your story on your thread, I’ll be there to read with care. Only if you feel safe doing so, of course. And only in the rhythm that feels right to you.

You wrote: “I need to let go of hope. I wonder if I should start meeting new men, or maybe take the time to grieve this loss.”-

Meeting new men before grieving may lead to recreating the same pain in a new form. The story recycles itself—not because we want it to, but because the original wound hasn’t been given enough breath, enough space, to find peace. Grieving doesn’t have to be loud or dramatic. It can just be letting a little bit out at a time. Even that can be a kind of healing.

You wrote: “It really felt like I was hiding part of myself like with my family… I really liked his intense nature, I always liked those types.”- That made me wonder—maybe it’s your own intensity that’s been hidden or pushed down for so long, and that’s part of why his intensity felt so magnetic. It’s not just that you admired it in him—it might be that his boldness reminded you of a part of yourself that’s still waiting for permission to be seen, heard, and expressed.

Maybe what you were drawn to most was the reflection of something powerful and alive in you.

I want to close this post with saying how much I admire your ability to look inward with such honesty. The way you reflect, question, and stay open to understanding yourself more deeply—it’s a rare and beautiful quality. You’re not just moving through this experience… you’re learning from it, shaping it into meaning, even through the pain. That kind of self-awareness is what makes healing possible.

I hope you keep being gentle with yourself through it all. And I hope you know—you don’t have to rush the process. You’re already doing the work, step by step, in exactly your own way.

With warmth and care, Anita

Dear Sue:

You’re so welcome—and thank you for your kind words. I’m really glad my message helped in some way.

You said something that stayed with me: “I still love him, and acceptance means I’m not fighting for him.” That’s such a powerful truth. When we love someone deeply, acceptance can feel like surrender. But sometimes, what keeps the pain alive is the fight itself—the part of us still holding onto who he used to be.

When someone we love changes so drastically—like Victor becoming almost a different person—it’s not just the relationship we lose. It’s the whole story we’ve been living: the memories, the roles we played, the “we” that once felt safe. And when that happens, it’s natural to hold tightly to the version of him we once knew: the familiar partner, the father of your children, the man who once said “us.”

So the fight—reaching out, hoping, replaying the past—isn’t just about wanting him back. It’s about not wanting to let go of that old version of him. And accepting that he’s no longer that person feels heartbreaking—like letting go of someone you still love.

But that same fight, even though it’s human, keeps reopening the hurt. Every time he doesn’t respond, every cold silence, every reminder of how he’s changed—it hurts all over again. In a way, the hope itself becomes a new kind of pain.

Your mention of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind really landed. That movie is about two people who try to erase their memories of a painful relationship. But even as the memories fade, the longing remains. The movie isn’t really about forgetting—it’s about how deeply love shapes us. It reminds me of what you’re feeling: the desire to stop hurting, and also the fear of what you’d lose if the feelings truly went away.

When you said, “I want to ask my psychiatrist for a pill that won’t get me high but make me feel nothing,” I heard that so clearly. The longing to just pause the pain, even for a moment. Some medications like SSRIs can help ease the sharpest edges—but sometimes, they also dull the joy and connection, not just the sadness. That can be a hard trade-off.

There are options worth exploring—like bupropion—which tend to cause less of that emotional numbness. It’s something your psychiatrist might talk through with you. But even just being able to say what you said here—“I’m in pain. I need relief”—is strong and brave. That honesty matters.

And those letters you’ve been writing to Victor but not sending? That, too, is radical acceptance. It’s you honoring your truth without depending on his response. That’s healing work, even if it’s quiet and hard.

You are not alone—not in your pain, not in your love, not in your anger or grief. You’re doing the invisible work of surviving something that was never supposed to happen. And it matters.

With care and respect, Anita