Thank you, Jasmine, have a nice day yourself!

anita

Dear Jasmine: You are welcome! Like you, I too google definitions of words (I lose memory of what words and terms mean). Will be away for the rest of the day and much of the night.

anita

Dear Jasmine:

Good morning, Jasmine.

“As a child I didn’t know confidence is something that I have to build“- interestingly, I just read a quote (from the Dalai Lama) about the connection between a calm mind, inner strength, self-confidence and good health: “Calm mind brings inner strength and self-confidence, so that’s very important for good health“.

What do you think of this quote?

anita

Good Saturday morning, Jasmine. I hope that you and your son have a restful, pleasant weekend. You are welcome to post and share about your thoughts and feelings anytime.

anita

Thank you, Jasmine. I hope that you enjoy your day too!

anita

Dear Jasmine:

Yes, rarely do things go exactly as planned, often not even close to as planned. We need to allow for our own imperfections, and for other people’s imperfections, to  patiently and forgivingly progress, one step forward at a time, just like you wrote.

(I will soon be away from the computer for the rest of the day).

anita

Dear StormMako:

I hope that you fully recover from the surgery and the complication!

“My mom kept my boyfriend up to date as best as she could. He’s in another city for work for 3 days (and left the day after my surgery) and I’ve barely spoken to him… I know he’s busy with meetings and meeting new people. I know he is so overwhelmed yet I feel so abandoned… He’s my world and he’s so incredibly loyal“- try to look at the situation from different angles, to consider possibilities you didn’t think of:

Is it possible that your boyfriend expressed his anxiety about your post-surgery situation to your mother, maybe repeatedly, and she calmed him down so that he can focus on this very important work-related travel, for the benefit of his career (and for your benefit, if you live with him, or marry him)?

If so, from your point of view so far, he was indifferent to your post-surgery situation, but from his point of view, he was not indifferent, it’s just that he didn’t talk about it with you.

He left the day after your surgery. Was it before a post-surgery complication became evident? If so, maybe your mother didn’t tell him about the complication, so that he can focus on his work. It might be that she minimized the complication and told him that you were being taken care of very well, so to ease his anxiety.

It’s possible that he sent you messages through your mother, telling her to tell you tat he loves you, etc.

“Am I just overreacting? Am I asking too much? Am I playing the victim too much in my head here?“- I don’t think you are asking too much, but not having enough information about the situation from his point of view, you are making assumptions that may be incorrect.

You wrote that it’s the first time he travels for work. This travel may be very important for his career and for his relationship with you. So, it may be that he is anxious about his career-success or failure, while you are anxious about your post-surgery situation and about your worry that he doesn’t care.

When we are anxious, we don’t do our best thinking: we focus on one thing, one corner of the picture, and ignore other things (not seeing the whole picture).

If he is ignoring you at this time, temporarily, it may be forgivable (if he was assured that you are in no danger)..?

“I don’t know what to do.“- I would wait until he returns from his travel, if I was you, before I express to him your feeling abandoned, etc., so that he can indeed focus on his work.

anita

Re-submitting the last part (trying to clear text of excess print):

– here is something that can help from  Cleveland clinic. org/Peter Pan Syndrome May Have You Saying, ‘I Don’t Want To Grow Up’: “… for some, growing up seems near impossible — so much so, that their immaturity can ruin relationships… Growing up is particularly difficult for people who have what’s popularly known as Peter Pan syndrome… Peter Pan syndrome (PPS), while not a recognized diagnosis, is a popular psychology term used to describe an adult who has difficulty growing up. The term is derived from the fictional character of Peter Pan, a magical boy who never grows old… ‘Much like Peter Pan, these individuals experience a failure to launch or a refusal to grow up… There’s sort of an egocentric nature to them…

“people with PPS will often seek out others who have what’s called Wendy syndrome. Named after… Peter Pan’s friend, Wendy syndrome also isn’t an official diagnosis, but a popular psychology term used to describe an adult who is empathetic, nurturing and even self-sacrificing…. people who are highly nurturing and want to be of service to others…

“In the beginning, it’s a match made in heaven. You have someone with PPS who’s really fun and charismatic that draws this other person in, and the person who has Wendy syndrome is able to be there for them, support them and offer suggestions to try to better them. But the problem is that it eventually backfires, and the person with Wendy syndrome inevitably starts to feel taken advantage of… With the Peter Pan and Wendy syndromes, the relationship ultimately falls apart when both people are at odds with each other’s behaviors.

“People with Wendy syndrome tend to experience emotional burnout because they’re constantly feeling like they’re giving and giving and not getting anything in return… At the same time, people with PPS may feel that their partner is controlling, trying to change them… As people with PPS have difficulty maintaining healthy boundaries, they’ll often jump from one person or relationship to the next in search of people who enable their behaviors…

”For people with Peter Pan syndrome, their distress tolerance is very low, which leads them to avoid certain situations because there’s this tendency to not be able to hold onto or tolerate these more difficult feelings… When conflicts arise or the person who has PPS is confronted about their lack of maturity, even having a healthy, productive conversation may prove to be difficult… Without being able to tolerate distress, it’s really hard to hear any criticism and therefore it becomes really difficult to have mature conflict resolution…

”Like most things related to psychology, the characteristics of Peter Pan syndrome exist on a spectrum, and what’s problematic for some may not be problematic for others… For therapy to work, they need to be willing to recognize and discuss what changes they want for their life and the cost of continuing if they do not make these changes… Often, at the core of entitled and self-centered behavior is very low self-esteem… Therapy can help people improve their self-esteem…

”And often, the core of therapy sessions revolves around increasing one’s distress tolerance… What often happens with people who have a low distress tolerance is that the minute something uncomfortable bubbles up, they push it away. They’re not even really knowing what they’re feeling… So, we start by naming our feelings…  asking yourself questions like: What are you feeling right now? Can you locate in your body where you’re feeling it?… Making space for feelings is challenging for many people because they’re used to pushing them away or distracting themselves from difficult emotions… it’s about staying with that feeling and trying to give it more life as opposed to fleeing from it or avoiding it. By doing this, you’re building that distress tolerance”.

End of quotes.

anita