Dear Carol:

You are very welcome! As I see it, there are a couple of issues here: (1) you are hurt because as she entered a relationship, she significantly distanced herself from you, and you are sad over the lost closeness.

“I sometimes gaslight myself into thinking that maybe this kind of ebb is normal.. maybe those changes we are facing are normal etc.“- this is the part of you that’s denying the magnitude of her distancing/ the extent of your felt-loss, so to lessen the hurt and sadness.

(2) “I wonder if I am not partly responsible… I wonder if I haven’t moved away from her too soon… I still feel guilty from time to time“- as I understand it, she distanced herself from you, not the other way around. She initiated the distancing over and over again, through a long period of time, before you reacted to her initiative by.. not chasing her for closeness.

Does this make sense to you?

anita

Dear Arie:

I am so sorry that you are going through this family-from-hell situation.

You mentioned your 13-year-old niece being there. She and any non-adults shouldn’t have been exposed to the profanity and drunkenness going on. She should not have been present there.

If the pool cookout party took place in your home/ on your property, you’d have the right to kick out your sister-in-law’s sister (Amy) and her boyfriend, and anyone who disrespected you or your sons, and anyone who behaved in ways you disapproved of.

Problem is, as I see it, that the party took place on Amy’s property, and if all the people in the party were adults, and nothing illegal took place, then it’s the hosts’ (Amy, since it’s her home, and your brother and sister-in law, since they are part-owners of pool) choice what behavior is acceptable in their home/ on their property (Ex., using profanity that wasn’t aimed at you).

You ended your post with: “Am I the bad one for saying what I said and saying what no one else has the nerve to say to people like that???  Should I apologize?  How does one deal with a situation like that?   I just don’t know what to do anymore.“- my answers/ comments: (1) no, you are not the bad one, (2) it’s not wise to have arguments with people who are drunk, so your best bet would have been to excuse yourself and leave the party without any confrontation, (3) I would apologize for one thing, and one thing only: for participating in/ encouraging a confrontation on someone else’s property, (4) You are stuck with Amy’s choice of a boyfriend, nothing you can do about it, no matter how annoyed and outraged you are by his behaviors. Except for protecting and standing up for those who are underaged, there’s nothing you should try to do.

I’d say the situation is a mess and since you plan to see them all in future family celebrations, if I was you, (1) I would apologize, but only for what I mentioned above, (2) I would act politely to all, instead of acting like they don’t exist, and I would avoid conflict ad confrontations as much as possible. I wouldn’t criticize anyone’s behavior when done in someone else’s home, unless it’s illegal and/ or if children are present and could be harmed.

Does this make sense to you?

anita

Dear SadSoul:

First, before I lose momentum: I AM DONE WITH BEING DUMB!!!

Today, June 29, 2024 is the first day of Done with being Dumb Project (DDP)

Let me explain yesterday’s dumbness (the answer to your question: “I’m wondering how it came about that you tested bear spray out on yourself?“)

Well, I have two dark colored bear spray cans, one with a white safety cap and the other without one. The way you use it is by pressing your thumb on the thing. If you press it by accident, the safety cap prevents an accident, and nothing happens. Many times I took the unsafe can with me and about two times, I pressed it by accident, but the sprayed material was low enough, near the ground, or far enough or I ran in the other direction and my eyes got just a bit irritated. I was a bit scared but the irritation was minimal.

Now, a thing I do on my walks (2 routes, about 5 km each) is I take shopping plastic bags with me and collect trash, something I am proud of doing because I keep more than 10 km free from visible trash.

The two (could have been 3) times I pressed it by accident before yesterday, happened when I picked up half filled or empty plastic bottles of water or soda. When I did, thinking about reducing the volume of the trash, I remove the cap from the plastic bottles, emptied the bottles, and smashed them. As I applied force to the bottle with one hand, the other hand somehow, automatically applied force to the can of bear spray.

Yesterday was the 3rd or 4th time the exact thing happened, but this time, I sprayed more of it, and high above ground, and the plume of dark, scary material enveloped me.

(I knew the resident of the house where this happens right outside the private property, so I ran screaming, calling his name, and I was smart enough to untangle the water hose and get water running to my face and eyes, screaming the whole time).

Now, the dumbness: I never stopped to think about what the safety cap is about. it’s part of my lifetime ADD: not paying Attention to details. I didn’t learn from past experience (the 2-3 times it happened before), and it occurred to me last night or this morning, FOR THE FIRST TIME, that I have no business opening bottles people throw away (especially the bottles that are difficult to open), for how do I know what’s in them: the contents could be poisonous or explode in my face, so there is the not considering possible consequences for my little actions, sort of operating automatically, without thinking.

DDP, Day 1.

I went back to bed after posting to you last. there was a tiny bit of burning in my face/ eyes, but mostly burning in areas of my arms and legs (I wore shorts and my legs and arms were exposed to the spray).

“Oh girl. I had never heard of bear spray till meeting you and now I’m terrified of it“- I can’t even look at it.

“I’m sorry I laughed… just made me feel happy and laughy“- I liked your reaction because it complimented me, that I could be positive about it.

“Well there I go again, accidentally deleting a huge reply,.. In other news, I am so technically challenged..“- project DTD (Done with being Technically Dumb)?

“I hope you don’t wake up with secondary problems from it“- not right now. I imagine that the developers of bear spray developed it to not cause secondary/ permanent problems to the customers using the spray because even when used correctly, some of it will get on the person, especially when there’s a bit of wind.

From yesterday: “I’m sad and my heart is breaking today. Too much happened in last week and it overwhelmed me… My partner saw a goat and got a fright and jumped. Wtf? I’m starting to hurt but luckily I landed softly“- a big part of my DDP is to no longer rely on luck and instead: prevent preventable problems (like bear spray and thrown-away bottle contents exploding in my face!), to pay attention to details that matter, to not overreact emotionally (feeling overwhelmed) and to not overreact behaviorally (like your partner who jumped).

done-with-being-dumb anita

I thought my eyes were disintegrating, it burnt so bad and for so long. I don’t want to carry or see bear spray anymore. The good news: my shoulder didn’t hurt at all while I was dying of bear spray.

Dear Harry:

This is what you shared about your relationship with the Australian woman (I’ll refer to her as Au): you met Au on a trip to Prague in Jan 2024. On the first night you met her, she stayed the night with you, until the afternoon of the day after. The following night,  she stayed with you for a 2nd night. Next, you flew home to London (or the vicinity), and Au flew to Switzerland. Next, you flew to Switzerland and stayed with Au again. Next, you flew back to London while Au stayed in Switzerland and asked her employer if she can work from London. They agreed that she can for 2 months, and you happily (“I’m so happy… This feels like a fairy tale“) waited for Au to join you in London for 2 months, following which, the plan was that she’ll fly back to Sydney, Australia, and following a few months, you’ll join her there.

While waiting for Au, you found yourself attracted to woman from work (I’ll refer to her as W) and flirted with her for a while. Three weeks before Au was scheduled to join you in London, you had sex with W. Two days later, you told Au about it. Au was devastated yet she still joined you in London later, and “it’s been perfect, like it was before except for her getting down every now and then about what I did“.

About 3 weeks into her current stay with you, last weekend- you realized that you hadn’t told Au “the full truth” about what happened with W, and so,  you told her the .. full truth.

Au’s reaction: “She cries and tells me she doesn’t forgive me, but she has no one else right now and so she cuddles me and we sleep. She also says that she doesn’t know what she wants and it could change, but for now she wants it to go back to normal… she essentially said… she could cut me off at any time, but for now she wants it to be normal… She even admitted yesterday she was expecting to leave London in a relationship with me until I told her again last weekend“.

My input today: after 3 weeks of her current stay with you, you felt very guilty (again) about not having told Au “the full truth” about the sexual encounter or encounters with W. And so, to find relief from your guilt, you told her the full truth (“Last weekend I realise I hadn’t told her the full truth and felt intense guilt again and told her“). You were focused on your intense guilt and wanted a fast relief from the distress of intense guilt. You wanted to feel better yourself, so you elaborated on what you already told her about 6 weeks earlier, which has devastated her back then and since. In other words, you added devastation to her devastation so to feel better (and perhaps to sabotage the relationship as well).

Her response: she was clearly devastated, feeling abnormally anxious and unsettled. Kowing only you in London, having no one else to comfort her, she wanted to feel normal again, so she had no choice- that she could think about- then to be comforted by the same person who hurt her (“She cries and tells me she doesn’t forgive me, but she has no one else right now and so she cuddles me… for now she wants it to go back to normal… she essentially said… she could cut me off at any time, but for now she wants it to be normal“).

You ended your 2ndpost with: “The important thing for me to do now is try to forgive myself, so that we can both move on. I accept any decision she might make as I’m the one who messed up, but it’s just going to be a matter of waiting and time.”

The partial story about your flirtation and sex with W has hurt Au, and devastated her ever since you first told her about it. Do you see how self-centered it was of you to elaborate on the partial story and give her the full story?

I am asking because if you relieve yourself from guilt in this way, you’d keep hurting Au/ others. I understand that you weren’t thinking thoroughly before you confessed further to her, but now that you do.. what do you think?

anita

Dear Clara:

I am sorry that your mother suffers from dementia, and that you suffer too.

“she laughed and realized she didn’t notice me“- I wonder if she laughed because she was trying to make light of it, so that you will not be upset, or perhaps she was embarrassed (?)

Interesting, the title of your thread is “Taking a break“- in regard to the break from your girlfriend. Your mother had a break from registering that you were there at the dinner table (twice), and then you “had another break down” at the hotel.

We experience breaks from people while being physically close to them, like your mother not recognizing you while you were there at the dinner table with her, and you and your girlfriend experienced breaks in the relationship while still living together, before the current physical break.

It is important to be connected and remain connected to people we care about, as much as possible. What had caused me to have breaks with people, has been my judgmental, quick to anger attitude and tendency. This is why I practice what I suggested for you to do in my previous post: shift from judgment to empathy.

It’s late at night where you’re at. I hope that you are sleeping or are about to sleep restfully following crying like a baby. If not, and otherwise, please feel free to post anytime, to use your thread as a journal and a place to communicate with us here.

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome. Whenever you feel judgmental of her, shift to empathy for her.

Whenever you feel judgmental of yourself, shift to empathy for yourself.

anita