Hi Laven:

The foster system failed you and so did the schools you attended.. and your foster mom and.. so many others 😢

The term ACE (Adverse Childhood Experience) refers to a potentially traumatic event that occurs during childhood (ages 0–17). An experience that can have lasting effects on a person’s physical, emotional, and relational health well into adulthood.

Common types of ACEs include: Abuse (Physical, emotional, or sexual), Neglect (Emotional or physical), Parental separation or divorce, Substance abuse in the home, Mental illness in a caregiver, Domestic violence, and Incarceration of a household member.

These experiences can disrupt a child’s sense of safety, stability, and bonding, and are linked to long-term health outcomes like depression, anxiety, chronic illness, and relational difficulties.

In my case I experienced all of the above types of ACEs, at one point or another, except for Substance abuse in the home and Incarceration of a household member.

Clearly, Laven, you suffered from multiple ACEs as well.

If magic was real, I would go back in time and rescue little girl Laven and take her to a place where she’d be loved and cared for- every day, consistently. I would do that for every abused, unfortunate child.

🤍 Anita

Dear Zenith:

It sounds like your MIL treats your co-sister as more special, and that understandably makes you feel left out or less valued. Even though she’s nice to you, it still hurts when the treatment isn’t equal—especially when your little one notices it too. That must have been hard.

I also hear that you feel pressured to do things you don’t really want to do—like showing your jewelry or giving updates—just to avoid conflict. It makes sense that you’re now wishing you had said no, and that you’ve been feeling stuck between keeping peace and standing up for yourself.

You’re not wrong to want respect and fairness. You deserve that. And it’s okay to feel upset when things don’t feel balanced. You’re simply asking for basic emotional respect.

This morning, I noticed something—maybe for the first time. When your feelings are uncomfortable or might lead to conflict, you seem to minimize them. You soften them with “lol” or tell yourself things like: “I let it go,” “I’m fine as long as my MIL gives her special treatment,” “I don’t feel jealous,” “I’ve accepted it and moved on.”-

It’s like you’re trying to talk yourself out of your own truth—as if your feelings aren’t valid unless they’re calm, agreeable, or conflict-free. But the fact that you’re still obsessing, still upset, shows that those feelings didn’t go away—they were just pushed down.

Scientifically speaking, trying to suppress emotionally charged thoughts often leads to what’s called a “rebound effect,” where the thoughts come back stronger and more persistent. Suppression doesn’t resolve the emotion—it just buries it, allowing it to fester and fuel obsessive loops.

Obsession can be the mind’s way of trying to resolve what the heart hasn’t had permission to feel.

Taking a stand—asserting yourself—can begin with something quiet but powerful: giving yourself permission to feel what you feel, without judgment.

Here are a few gentle practices that might help:

1) Mantras for Emotional Permission- Repeating mantras can help shift your inner dialogue. Here are a few that might resonate:

“My feelings are valid, even if others don’t understand them.”

“I allow myself to feel without judgment.”

“I am safe to feel what I feel.”

“I honor my truth, even when it’s unpleasant.”

“I am at peace with my thoughts.”

“I accept myself fully.”

“I embrace my imperfections with love.” (Source: Up Journey – Mantras for Emotional Healing)

2) Writing Exercise: The Emotion I’m Avoiding- You can do this privately or here in your thread. Just write freely in response to these prompts:

“Which emotion am I trying to avoid right now?”

“Why might I be avoiding it?”

“What does this emotion need from me?”

“What would happen if I allowed myself to feel it fully?”

Expressive writing like this has been shown to improve mood, immune function, and emotional clarity. (Source: Psych Central – Journal Prompts to Heal Emotions)

What do you think about what I wrote here, Zenith?

Anita

Hi Adalie:

You wrote, “the very thing that felt meaningful to me might’ve been what made him disappear.”- I wasn’t there, but I don’t think it was the very thing that felt meaningful to you that made him disappear. I think that it was something to do with his history that made him disappear, a history that preceded you and had nothing to do with you.

It’s amazing how often we take other people’s stuff personally.

.. I don’t think you made him disappear. I think it’s something about his past that made him disappear.

“Why would he change the way he acts for me? He didn’t have to.”- he didn’t have to, and I wish he didn’t.

Like I said, I think that his behavior is way more about his past than it is about you. This is how things often are, in general.

And you are welcome, Adalie. Let’s keep talking, as long as it helps.

With care, Anita

Adalie, thank you for sharing that—it’s powerful and really moving. I can feel how much that experience meant to you, and how his kindness and attentiveness gave you space to feel safe and supported.

He didn’t just offer kindness; he extended something much more meaningful: a sense of being seen—the way he honored your voice, your autonomy, and even tuned into subtle details like your hand size.

When someone shows up with tenderness and care without demanding or diminishing (making fun of us), it has the power to restore something foundational. It’s like he said to you: “I believe in your strength, even when the world denies it.”

By nudging you toward concealed carry, not from pressure but through validation, he handed you back a piece of agency, a piece of strength. A way to stand taller, with purpose.

It’s no wonder you felt empowered. I understand why you can’t get him out of your head 😔

That your heart still circles back to him, maybe it’s because something sacred happened—something that deserves to be remembered- that you deserve to be seen like that every day, by others and by yourself…?

Anita

Thanks for sharing these reflections, Peter 😊. I appreciate your thoughtful presence in the garden of this conversation.

Anita 🌱🌸🌿🌻🪴🌳