Dear Seaturtle:

“yesterday my brother told me that he texted N!… he was diagnosed with manic depression a couple years ago and has been heavily sedated since then. Both my parents kicked him out because he would randomly get angry and lash out at my younger sister and scare her. Another one of his modes is hyper emotional so one day, last Thursday, he found himself ‘feeling bad for n.‘”-

– this energy and emotional instability and dysfunction is the results of a sacral and heart chakras going wild without the wise supervision and input by the crown chakra. It is important for you, for me, for everyone to not let this happen.

“Anyways both of my siblings gave HIM their sympathy.. I just am so beyond annoyed and frustrated. Both of them asking him if he was ok before me. But whatever I just have to drop this or it makes me too upset“-

– their sympathy for him probably triggers your (invalid, unjustified) guilt in regard to breaking up with N, part of you believing that N is a good guy vs you, the bad guy. But that part is wrong.

Perhaps The Third Eye Chakra can come to the rescue when this false belief is triggered. This chakra is “concerned with inner vision, intuition and wisdom… A balanced third eye chakra allows for heightened intuition, clarity of thoughts and perceptions” (zen lama. com). The title of your thread is about needing a vibrating 3rd eye chakra: “Telling the difference between gut (intuition) and fear in relationships”.

Whenever you see N as the good guy vs you the bad guy, LOOK through your 3rd eye and see the truth.

“Anyways I think it bled into my day today cause I have just had an undertone of anxiety and struggling to get n out of my head. Whether it is him angry, with another girl or just any unsolicited vision of him being somewhere… this lie flooded my head…”-the symptoms of a blocked 3rd eye.

Once you SEE N with your 3rd eye, you will have a balanced vision of him: a physically attractive man if your 3rd eye is open. Coming to think about it, it’s a relief to have a 3rd option/ Eye to use so to see the bigger picture, the truth.

“I believe he was not joking, and that while it happened he wasn’t implying a joke and that he did want me to feel pain”- when you see him as a gorgeous, beautiful man, open your 3rd eye and see him as a person who wants you to feel pain at times.

“What I have a hard time grasping is whether he was really just straight up lying to me that he was joking?”- yes, he was.

“or that he literally was lying to himself”- no, he knew that he was lying to you. (I am looking at him with MY 3rd eye and I am looking at you with my 3rd eye, seeing.. a girl who doesn’t want to take a boy off a pedestal, holding on to an elevated image of him).

“I giggle a bit (sorry) thinking about you sending your father to pick up your things. But yes, I wouldn’t go there by myself, if I was you.”

“My mom…  started telling me ‘well maybe you will still end up together.. you don’t have to feel embarrassed if you get back together….he may self actualize maybe he is in therapy right now..’ all tells me my mom has no idea”- her 3rd eye is closed. She sees a gorgeous looking man. She doesn’t see a man wanting her daughter to hurt when it’s convenient for him.

“my closest friend… often talks over me..  My friend is also in a very destructive relationship and says similar things to my mom. This makes me very sad as she is my closest friend at the moment and we have known each  other almost our whole lives. Definitely doesn’t help with the alone feelings I already feel right now“- to keep your 3rd eye and crown chakras open and high vibrational means to .. be alone in the midst of low vibrational 3rd eye and crown chakras.

“This feels true, I don’t think he was shocked I wanted it to be over, but I think he was shocked that I actually did it. Because he was so often able to manipulate me and that was one of the only times in our relationship he wasn’t able to. The fly out with the spider and he was shocked, and his ego was hurt”-

– a gorgeous looking man who has been okay with his girlfriend wanting out of the relationship as long as she doesn’t succeed; a spider being okay with the fly trying to disengage from its sticky web as long as it doesn’t succeed.

“Yea, I also remember thinking that maybe our crown chakras match later in the relationship. I thought the honeymoon was suppose to be heart and sacral, and I didn’t want to pressure crown charka connecting… Then this year I started to need it more and more and found my advances denied. Not only denied but he wasn’t even seeing my crown, he wasn’t seeing my depth and wisdom”- imagine an open and high vibrational Third Eye Chakra that can see a man early…

“This brought me a lot of sadness that I had been seen by others but he was the only person I truly wanted it from“- growing up wanting to be seen by low vibrational F=> wanting to be seen by low vibrational N.

I want to research cannabis use disorder and vaping as it may apply to N before I respond to the rest of your yesterday’s post next.

anita

Dear Justaguy03:

“My deepest sense is that she is emotionally overwhelmed and no longer possesses the emotional energy to maintain a relationship with me at the moment“- I think that you are correct, and overall, I am impressed with what I perceive to be your emotional maturity and emotional intelligence.

I am also aware of how very intense and .. well, from my experience, sickening a relationship between a mother and a daughter can be. Not saying that this is true to her.

“if I just wait it out in the background and give her gentle reminders of love and support here and there that we can get through this. Isn’t that what a relationship is about? Sticking together during the lowest of the lows“- yes, it is. What was the agreement between the two of you in regard to the nature of and length of this break/ space?

(I will soon be away from the computer and back Tues morning, which is in about 13 hours from now (here, U.S.).

anita

Dear Justaguy01:

“how do you support and care for someone who is trying to push you away without losing them whilst at the same time managing your own mental well-being?“- my answer: since she is an adult, and one to whom you are not married, and with whom you do not share children, once she pushes you away… you stay away. You stay away and accept that it might be a permanent break, an ending to the relationship.

There is a concept called Radical Acceptance, which is about aiming at completely accepting reality, not struggling or resisting it at all.

The Serenity Prayer states: “god, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference“- you can’t change the fact that her mother has a serious illness nor can you change any of her family history and current family circumstances. You can’t change how she feels about her family, can’t change her depression and her choice to take a break from you. So better accept (radically accept it) all that you cannot change with as much serenity as is possible for you.

“And the second being: am I validated to be feeling this mix of negative emotions myself? I feel selfish and guilty because she is the one who is really going through a hard time, but in the last week, my mind has been racing with a hundred different thoughts and emotions“-

– every one of your emotions carries a valid message, and none of us is guilty for feeling whatever it is that we feel. We are not good people because we feel a certain way, and bad people if we feel a different way. It is our conscious choices of speech and action that make us good or bad.

She is going through a hard time and so are you. You are emotionally attached to her and you want to be with her. Try to have empathy for yourself instead of judgment. Feel the pain of being away from her and endure it, then repeatedly try to … radically accept the situation as it is.

And please post again, maybe a conversation here can help…?

anita

Dear Sosaado:

“Old topic, but I experienced the same, so I completely understand“-

– First, a bit of the old topic: Tessa/ Sadpeach posted twice on her thread: an original post on Oct 14, 2016, and a second post 2 days later, on Oct 16, 2016, over 7 years ago. At the time, Sadpeach was 23-years-old, working as a graphic designer with a history of “a perfect childhood filled with softball, block parties, and best friends… raised in an upper-middle class lifestyle… we grew up in a normal household“.

She presented her sisters’ mental illnesses as having been caused by genetics, and then added: “my mother is a narcissist… My mother often times acts like a rude 16 year old, starting fights with my 28 year old sister“, and it reads to me that Sadpeach was suggesting that her mother was not always a narcissist and/ or that there is no connection between her mother’s narcissism (suspected, not diagnosed, I assume) and her sisters’ mental illnesses (suspected or diagnosed, I don’t know).

In her second post, a reply to me, Sadpeach wrote: “My 28 year old sister has some deep rooted issues with my mother, however for the most part we all agree that we had a perfect childhood“.

Second, to your Jn 7, 2024 post, Sosaado: you shared that your 2 siblings “at early 20 (have) become personality disrupted and their mental health is worsening, along with parents, which were normal when I was born“-

– reads like your understanding is similar to Sadpeach’s: your siblings’ mental health problems or illnesses developed following a normal (or perfect) childhood because of some faulty genetics that bypassed the parents but affected the children in their early 20s, a genetic fate. And so, you feel “cursed by ill fate“.

“I’m only normal person in family of four people…one of (your siblings)…  exploiting parents financially and emotionally over 10 years, lazy, do not want to work, paranoid, psychotic, threatening with suicide. Do not want to visit psychiatrist“- one of your siblings is paranoid and psychotic but not diagnosed (since she wouldn’t visit a psychiatrist)?

“Sometimes, on photos we were normal family as others family, nice smiling mother, who loved her motherhood and proud father. Our home was tidy, there was enough of food. Now it is four abusive tyrants, dirty home, mess everywhere, trauma to live there even a day“-

– my best guess as to what happened is that your parents’ mental health issues were there from the beginning, before children were added to the family. And as time went on (like mud rolling down a hill, more and more mud is added to it as it moves down the hill), mental health issues spread to the children, and everyone’s mental issues got bigger and bigger.

Like a wound that’s untreated for too long, it becomes more and more severe over time.

Those split of a second moments captured on photos, when parents pose in front of the camera, do not portray ongoing reality.

“I was not exception. In early 20s, I started (to) abuse drugs to deal with pain, and after time, I get mental breakdown and I had to visit psychiatrist. There was psychotic mental illness genetically in our family genetics. I was taking medicine for while and get through psychotherapy. I’m healthy now“-

– Psychotherapy does not retroactively change the genes you were born with, so genetics is not fate when it comes to most mental health issues, or the extent or severity of most issues. The idea that mental illness in general (not a specific diagnosis) is determined by genetics alone, and therefore, parents who happened to bypass those genes, change from healthy, normal, loving and tidy parents => to mentally sick parents because their children happened to be affected by such genes..  is not true.

You advised Sadpeach: “I totally understand you how it is like to be only normal person in whole family. Although it’s rare, you are not alone. There are more like us, I believe. They simply move out from family, I think, if it is possible to start a new life, find healthy people, maybe have own healthy family which brings them joy. You are not obligated to be their Saviour because of few stupid shared genes. You are not expected to nothing. You are just expected to care about yourself and make yourself happy and that is your priority“-

– excellent advice, Sosaado, and I hope that you materialize your own advice in your own life and continue to be Your Own Saviour: move out and away from your family-of-origin, act for the benefit of your own mental health, prioritize and  promote it, and find other people who do the same. This way you make the world a bit better, a bit healthier.

anita

Dear Blazkwich:

I want to add before leaving the computer for a while, that things are not as bad as you feel them to be. One day, maybe soon, you will feel so MUCH better than you feel. Also, you can learn from your experience and behave in more effective ways in the future. Keep in mind that none of us is perfect, we all make mistakes, and we are .. in this life together. You are not alone!

anita

Dear Blazkwich:

First, I want to say that I am sorry for the heartbreak you are going through. Although this has been a short and turbulent relationship, you grew very attached to her and therefore, you have been suffering a lot. I hope that you will feel better and better soon enough.

Next, I will be re-reading your original post and the posts that followed, as well as the most recent, quoting from what you shared and typing away my thoughts about the quotes. This is what I normally do in threads I reply to.

(I am the one adding the boldface feature to the quotes): “My girlfriend of 5 months just broke up with me…  Our relationship started as long distance we didn’t meet a lot of times but we used to talk daily for hours whenever we had time… she would get depressed sometimes and stonewall me for 2-3 days… I gave her space again and then after a month of infrequent communication she left me… she broke up with me in the middle of her exams, she wasn’t in contact for like a week “-

– The five months relationship did not include a lot of meetings in-person, maybe only a few (?), and within these 5 months there were times of no communication for periods of 2-3 days to a week. This is a short (however long it may feel to you) and unstable relationship from the get go. Seems like the closeness, in terms of time spent together, was mostly in those hours long talks on the phone.

Let’s look at the nature and intensity of your emotional attachment to her, an attachment formed within those 5 months: “I even met her after her cat passed away and she constantly reassured me and talked about future plans”- this means that you were anxious about her ending the relationship and she reassured you that she was not ending the relationship, that there was a future to it.

” We had a fight and I kind of exploded because I was bottling up so many stuff“- there were a lot of distressing thoughts and emotions within you about this (objectively) very short relationship.

“The breakup is affecting me a lot but now I am genuinely concerned for her health because I feel at this rate she will just continue to ruin her health…  she just doesn’t seem like herself anymore ever since the passing and I am unable to see her in this state…  the thought that she can do something harmful scares me..  no, this is the first time she got drunk… I don’t think she’s suicidal but these things can harm her in other ways. Am I being too concerned here?.. ever since the breakup I am unable to sleep or do any tasks“-

– Seems like there are no objective reasons to be concerned for her health since she has no history or pattern of alcohol or drug abuse, does not experience suicidal thoughts that you are aware of,  and she is busy being a student (as opposed to being idle, doing nothing). Seems like you are projecting your experience into her: that it is you who are in this state, that you don’t seem like himself, and that it is your health may be ruined if you continue to suffer from lack of sleep and motivation in every day tasks.

Blazkwich, did you hear or read about Attachment Styles, particularly the anxious attachment style? There is a lot of online information about it as well as books and workbooks aimed to educate and help individuals with this attachment style. Here is just a bit about it from psychology today: “The anxious attachment style is always concerned about the stability or security of the relationship. People with this attachment style tend to agonize over the meaning of words or actions by a partner. They read negatives into otherwise neutral or positive interactions. They also tend to crave constant reassurance that the relationship is secure, and the affection and love are still present”- any of this reads familiar to you, as far as your experience in romantic relationships?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“All those times he later said ‘oh baby I was joking I just have a weird sense of humor,’ all those times I suspected him of being passive aggressive he was, whether he knew it or not, but wanted me to feel pain“- he knew that he was not joking. He said what he said knowing that he wanted you to feel pain as a result of what he said.

“because what other reason could he have for all those things?“- no other reason.

“I can’t say never because perhaps I am not remembering something, but I did not do this to him….I will let this question sit in my mind right now ‘did I ever intentionally cause him pain?’“- even if you did on one or two occasions want him to feel pain and then saying or doing something with that purpose in mind, it doesn’t make you deserving of a lifetime of this being done to you. The solution is not punishment for you forever more, or even for another day, a week, or month (of resuming a relationship with him). The solution is for you to become more aware and a better and better person over time as far as your action is concerned.

This is my strategy in regard to myself. I am not a finished product: I am still becoming a better person, this is my intent and practice.

Remember that it’s not what we feel but what we do (speech and deeds) over time that makes us god or bad people.

“when he said ‘you care so much about other people’s feelings, that is how I trust that you wouldn’t hurt me.‘”- reads manipulative to me.

“He may try to hurt me now as much as he can with his blocking, and deleting of pictures, and who knows how it will be to pick up my things, maybe I will send a friend, because he can only harm me right?“- I giggle a bit (sorry) thinking about you sending your father to pick up your things. But yes, I wouldn’t go there by myself, if I was you.

“The image of us ending on mature calm states is all in my imagination?“- yes, I think so.

“the only silver lining here is that I am used to him causing me pain at least it is not a shock, as he was shocked. It is almost as if I caused him all the pain he caused me in our whole relationship, within a 10 minute shocking breakup“- I don’t think of him as an emotionally honest person, so even if he uttered words that expressed shock, I don’t know if he felt shocked. (I am sure the breakup was a hurt to his ego, though).

I wrote to you: “from the very beginning, he only had respect for parts of you..”, and you responded: “This is true and so sad. I didn’t start to suspect it until a year in, even though it was all there for me to see but I didn’t want to? or couldn’t?“- I think that your heart and sacral chakras were vibrating so intensely that you were oaky, or almost okay with a lower vibrational crown chakras: yours.. and his.

“- his low vibrational crown chakra is not guiding him to act maturely.”

“This may bring you some satisfaction, as it does me… I said ‘You just have such bad vibes sometimes’ I said it with a look of ‘stay away from me’“- I like that Post yoga, Thanksgiving inspired crown chakra vibration!

“He did not take care of himself, he smoked way too much weed, he claimed it helped with his anxiety…  he was constantly high… When we started living together and I witnessed how much I would ask him to be sober for dates, but then at the date he was much more jittery, EVEN LESS capable of a deep conversation sitting in one place. it bored him beyond belief… I began to want him to smoke so he would chill out and sit with me”-

– I didn’t know of the extent of what seems to be his cannabis use disorder and addiction. This addiction and disorder makes the prognosis for a healthy relationship for him even poorer than I thought before.

“I believe I am way too suspicious of him to allow him in again, and I certainly won’t let myself be around him long enough to get past that suspicion. I admit there is part of me that still thinks he could change“- he could, but what is the statistical chance of that happening.. 1%,  5%?

“There is no benefit to feed into that imagination of his self actualization, if I did, that is when the fly could get tangled again“- I agree.

“I am fairly certain I am the only one he told…  Like I said there were moments he was vulnerable and I did feel it but it was a handful of times in our whole two years together, certainly not enough for a truly intimate relationship”- a handful of percentiles (1-5%) that he would change.

“You are right that he said words don’t matter which is a valid reason to not think his matter, but I am sure he was being truthfully vulnerable here“- there is a saying (paraphrased): even a broken clock is truthful twice every 24 hours.

“With learning so much about my inner child here with you, I tried to share with him the benefits of looking within… (I) helped him open up a little… But then we got back home and it was as if the conversation had never happened and he was smoking and working all day once again and had no energy by the end of the day for a real conversation“- imagine (or not) this being the theme of a lifetime with him…

“This is such a great idea. I read this yesterday and have been thinking of it ever since! at my workout last night I was imagining setting up a community of just freestyle, sober dancing. I don’t think this exists? This really sounds like a lot of fun I am trying to think of where to start!”- don’t know if such exists… something to research perhaps…?

anita