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anitaParticipantDear Lulu: I wanted to let you know that I am working on a long reply for you and it will take some time to complete.
anita
anitaParticipantExactly a month later, May 1, Worldofthewaterwheels, I ask: how are you?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Lulu:
I replied to you on your other thread before I was aware that this thread exists. I just read your original post above, and I am amazed at how strong and intelligent.. and a good writer you are, considering the very hard times and suffering that you and your family have been going through for so long. Considering your very difficult, heartbreaking history and current circumstances, you are doing very well.
Please stay strong, don’t give up on life and on success for yourself!
I hope that you continue to share here, to vent, to express yourself, as long as it helps, please do.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Pandinha:
“However, he quickly started to make a lot of sexual, dirty jokes… I told him that I was in love with him. After that, he got even more straightforward with the sexting, the cheesiness, the pics and.. I kept being very stimulated, so I honestly thought I was desiring him, that I wanted to be with him, etc… Then, one day, when we were videochatting, looking at him started bothering me. I thought he looked gross and I felt very repulsed about the idea of even kissing him… all the things I wanted to do with him, the excitement is simply gone… I felt like he played me… I felt like he fooled me… I don’t really feel like talking to him anymore… Gladly will wait for your input… on… what this might be.“-
– here are 3 possibilities in regard to what this might be. Any of the following may be true to you.. or not, or a combination of the following may be true to you: (1) one of your parents taught you that men only want one thing (sex), they will say anything to get you to have sex with them, and you should not be fooled by what they say (that you are pretty, that they love you, etc.), (2) one of your parents taught you that sex is a bad thing, that you are a good girl, and that good girls don’t do bad things, (3) when you were a child, you were betrayed by a person you trusted (perhaps a parent, perhaps another family member).
Any of these true to you?
anita
May 1, 2024 at 3:14 pm in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #432235anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
Glad to be your 2nd Mid-July Friend.
“My dad was so critical… acting shocked at how ‘selfish’ and ungrateful I could be… my dad said ‘you can’t see it but you are.’“- he probably (inaccurately) projected his mother, or a female caretaker in his early life => into you. Parents often do that. My mother projected people who abused her (before I was born) into me and proceeded to punish me.
Your father’s mother or caretaker, a woman he was very attached to as a boy, was really selfish and really ungrateful for his many efforts to please her, and gain her recognition. Fast forward, he projects that woman into a little, innocent sea turtle who did not deserve criticism for .. what someone else is guilty for.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Lulu:
“No matter where I go, I won’t fit in I think. Like, I’m just doomed essentially to always be an outcast because I’m me“- this is what I thought and felt for many years, no matter where I went, I was an outcast.. until I was not.
“A large part of me wants to go into the psychology field to learn my place in the world both socially and mentally, and to explore a side of myself that I find uncomfortable or disconnected“- if we are disconnected from others (parents, caretakers) very early on in our lives, for too long, we feel disconnected from ourselves. It is like two sides of the same coin: disconnected from others/ disconnected from oneself.
It is so because we are social animals, born that way. We have to be connected to others early on and onward, if we are to be healthy human beings.
“I want, more than anything, to have a sense of normalcy and be able to not only take care and support myself, but also be a pillar for people who feel like me; out of place.“- this is a noble purpose. I hope that you do become a pillar for people who feel like you, out of place. Maybe you and I, here on your thread, can explore ways for you to be this pillar for others sooner than later.
I am wondering, what did you think about what I typed for you in my first reply, about the commonalities I feel we have?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
There is only one way for me to absorb the content of your posts, and that’s in a meditative/ stillness state of mind, which I expect to take place by tomorrow. Thank you for posting again!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Meatball:
You are welcome! Good to read that you are working on your co-dependency issues and anxious attachment style, and with a therapist’s help. Also, good to read that you “don’t hold out any hope that she would leave, get help and want to come back.“- sometimes, in certain contexts, hope is not a good thing.
“I am trying to figure out exactly how much financial burden I should take on for her to get a place. The last thing I’m going to do is put her out on the street. Her daughter is planning to stay here, but that could also bring a new set of issues. She has 9 months until she’s 18 and is not close to her father and just doesn’t understand her mother at this point“- (1) it is very kind of you to think of having her daughter stay with you, and it is decent of you to not want her mother out on the street, (2) I understand your concern regarding finances, and regarding contact with the mother if you have her daughter living with you.
Since her daughter is not yet 18, legally still a child, is she qualified for government sponsored help in regard to housing, since her mother can’t properly take care of her?
Maybe her mother is qualified for such help, being that she is emotionally unwell…?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Lulu:
As I read your post, I found much commonality with you: like you, I too wanted to be a writer, a published writer. My 2nd desire was to study psychology and become a therapist.
Like you, I didn’t feel that I belonged in any group of people. I grew up lonely, feeling isolated within my small family, within the classroom at school, in the neighborhood.. anywhere and everywhere. No one wanted to hear me, to know what was happening in my mind and heart. I remember wondering, at times when the noise of distress within me was particularly loud: how can it be that NO ONE NOTICES? NO ONE HEARS ME?
I think that it is this isolation, not being seen or heard, that was behind my motivation to .. make the whole world see me by publishing a book that would be widely read all over the world. I used to daydream about being a dancer or a movie star and be seen and admired by millions of people all over the world.
This is how unseen I felt. The thirst to be seen was huge.
I wanted to study psychology and become a psychotherapist so to understand the painful puzzle that I was to myself, and to help me and others like me.
“My mental health wasn’t taken seriously by anyone. No one could ever really understand my intentions or feelings… I’ve always been a social outcast even amongst other black people“- reads just like me, a social outcast in each and every ethnic group, in each and every group, small or big. I simply did not belong anywhere.
“I’m essentially going to be paying a lot of money just to be an ‘another black person.’ There’s nothing unique or intriguing about me“-
– I felt, while growing up and many years after, like a nobody. Someone others looked down at. I wanted to be a somebody, to be seen as a unique and intriguing person, someone like no other. Unique, in an admirable way.
“They seem quiet. Polite. Invention. Accomplished. Distinguished. And most of all, neurotypical… I’m autistic and if I’m not very quiet and practically a fly on the wall, I’m in your face loud“- this reminds me: all the years when I felt different/ abnormal in negative ways, I (wrongly) thought that I was the only one that felt that way, that everyone else (all my peers) were.. normal, that I was the exception.
What a surprise it was to me, when I realized for the first time that it was not so. There is so much trouble in so many minds and hearts. I was never the only one. It only seemed otherwise, from my point of view.
“It’s never an issue of ‘not seeing people who look like me,’ it’s never seeing people who ACT like me… In terms of the liberal arts field, this school outranks Howard by miles. They’re very interested in me“- the people in the school you are referring to here, the people who are very interested in you, they met you, they know the way you ACT, (being loud, etc., ways you perceive to be different from your peers, in a negative way), and they re very interested. How do you explain it?
“Maybe I’m the con and will continue to be so no matter where I go“- can you elaborate on this sentence?
I hope to read from you soon and reply further, if you’d like that.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
I am glad that you materialized following a 7-month lurking! I didn’t read your first post attentively yesterday, late afternoon, but I did this morning: slowly, in a meditative way, and it calmed me, I had a sense of a Return to Truth. Yes, I forgot movement vs stillness, time vs eternity, duality vs non-duality.
Peter: “The task of living is to be awake to the experience of both“.
To be awake and aware of the bigger picture of reality, that which is bigger than the past, the future, world events, the news, bigger than me, bigger than any person, immeasurably bigger.
Thank you Peter, I hope to read more from you!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Meatball: I’ll be back to you Wed morning (it’s Tues evening here).
anita
anitaParticipant* Dear shirley pevensey:
“Notice ‘the other’ more. Look into their eyes when you talk with another. Notice when they are getting too much of you… yeah I was quite needy and neediness does scare people off… So it’s not about me.”- profound, I wish I could read more from you!
anita
anitaParticipant* Good to read from you again, Peter, more than 7 months since you posted last!
“Seeking implies something we don’t yet have“- we have many things, don’t we, but we don’t get to keep any.. do we?
anita
April 30, 2024 at 4:46 pm in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #432193anitaParticipantDear 25 year old Seaturtle:
(I am answering here to your messages in both threads): You are welcome! For the last few years, I acknowledge my birthday in the middle of July, 2.5 months after yours.
“I have always known I have some people pleasing tendencies… I want to understand the balance, because when I read that the solution is to stop doing things for others’ approval and do what feels in align with me, that is how I behaved living with my father and I was constantly called selfish or ungrateful. I don’t want my actions to hurt other people or offend them, but I also want to live in alignment with my true self. Is our true self selfish? How do I think of others and care for them, without comprising my true self?”-
– my answer/ my thoughts: we humans are social animal, social beings, genetically, by design. So, pleasing other people is authentic to who we are. Pleasing others is part of our true self. The issue is what you brought up: understanding the balance between too much people- pleasing on one hand, and selfishness on the other hand.
The balance is in Win-Win interactions and relationships, not Win-Lose. Keep Win-Win in mind, and you find your balance.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
When I started this thread, I chose the title “Fear, Anxiety and Healing”, no mention of the very powerful emotion: Anger. Today, I would choose the title: Healing from Fear and Anxiety, Anger and Chronic Anger.
Anxiety is a condition that involves chronic fear and the repression/ suppression of fear. Chronic Anger is similarly long-term and as destructive to the body as chronic fear, and it too involves the repression and/ or suppression of anger.
To be continued-
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 