Dear Nick:

You are welcome.  “I get emotional but I have no reason to be crass or vulgar” I like the way you put it. I wish lots of people would NOT get crass or vulgar when they get emotional. Unfortunately, too often, the two go together.

“She has played the victim a lot.  So it’s probably an easy part to play“- People who play victim find it easy to victimize someone else, and they feel morally justified in doing so.

“It’s nice to have someone else’s perspective“- anytime you want my perspective, you are welcome to it!

anita

Dear Tim:

You are welcome.

“I’m still afraid of..”- here is a poem I found online. I like it. Maybe you will too. it’s called Defying the Fear:

“Fear creeps in like a thief in the night,
Stealing our courage and giving us fright,
But we must not let it take control,
For in our hearts lies a power so bold.

It whispers in our ear, trying to deceive,
Telling us we are weak, that we can’t achieve,
But we must not listen to its lies,
For within us, a fire burns bright.

We must stand tall and face the fear,
With a courage that is so rare,
For when we defy it, we grow stronger,
And our fears become a thing no longer.

We must take a step forward, then two,
And walk towards the unknown,
For the journey ahead may be tough,
But with determination, we’ve got enough.
<p data-slot-rendered-content=”true”>We must break free from fear’s grip,
And not let it hold us down with its whip,
For we are brave, we are strong,
And we have the power to carry on.</p>
We must embrace the challenges ahead,
And not let fear fill us with dread,
For when we overcome it, we’ll be proud,
And our courage will shout out loud.

So let us all rise above the fear,
And show the world what we hold dear,
For we are not defined by what we fear,
But by the bravery that we hold near.

So let us all stand tall, with grace,
And let our courage light up the place,
For we have the power to defy the fear,
And show the world that we are here.”

Dear Nick:

You are very welcome.

And thank you (!!!) for your military service! Yesterday, the day you started your thread, was the Marine Corp Birthday (248), and today, as I reply to you, is Veteran Day 11-11-2023. First year it was celebrated was 1951 (I just checked).

Now, to what you shared yesterday more in great detail (I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes below):

“Well me and my girlfriend had a great dynamic in our 6 month relationship”- except for the dynamic where you were repeatedly more of a Suspect than a Boyfriend, according to her behavior; a dynamic where she asserted a (non-existing) moral superiority over you.. and you accepted it.

“She went through my phone. Saw I had not deleted some dating sites from like years ago. She compared me to her ex’s and said she never had issues with them deleting there dating stuff as soon as we were official. I apologized and I thought I took care of it. But“-

–  she was in charge, the one in control.. the moral police, so to speak. She says it’s morally wrong to have any dating sites record of years ago on your phone, once you are in a committed relationship and.. so it is; no one ever gave her any issues in regard to this rule.. and neither should you (is her message). You accepted her non-existing moral superiority and apologized.

But wait.. is it moral for her to go through your phone.. is this moral behavior?

“A few months after the first time she went through my stuff she found some other sites. Again I apologized“- the moral police in repeat operation, asserting yet again her alleged moral superiority over you and you, again, submitting by apologizing. The dynamic: she accuses, you apologize.

“The third time she found some stuff in my social on my Gmail.  I had no idea about that folder but she didn’t believe me. She also made a point to go through my browser history and there were some things she didn’t like there. So that is what ended our relationship”- she found some stuff because she looked for some stuff against the alleged Suspect.

But why were you in the position of Suspect.. and why is it that you did not have the password to her accounts, looking for any years-ago dating site activity on her part…?

“We were talking like on and off again for a few weeks.  She did the unfriend me on Facebook and snap chat and refriend me then unfriend me”- not what a friend would do…

“Our last conversation was a week prior to the last few things I sent. I had been doing a lot of thinking for weeks over the whole phone stuff. Had a bad day at work… I sent like three text on the same day. This was one of them. ‘Well, if we never talk or see each other again. You take care. I will remember the past 6 months for a while. Waking up in bed next to you. The smile on your face…. But most of all I will remember being betrayed by my best friend and lover over stuff I had subscribed to over the course of being in the military for 15 years. Being back in Wisconsin and not dating anyone for 8 years. I gave you my all, and apparently, that was not enough“- you gave her all your love but she wanted to punish you for sins you did not commit. There is nothing abusive about this part of your text quoted here.

“I also sent her a text thanking her for blocking me so I don’t have to see what loser she dates next“- not abusive either on your part: you really were the loser in the relationship with her and she is very likely to do the same to the next guy she dates.

“As well as the Jelly roll song ‘Somebody Save Me‘ and said that was for her… and added.  That song suits you” -I looked it up the lyrics to the song:

“I unloaded on her and I regret doing that.  With all my heart. Now I can’t even apologize I am blocked on all fronts.  And she probably will never speak to me again.  She also filed a formal hr complaint which I can’t blame her”- I didn’t yet read of any abusive words or behaviors on your part. I assume there are offensive things you said or did that you didn’t share about, and that’s okay.

I hurt people who did not at all deserve it and I regret it. The guilt for hurting people who did nothing to me has been very heavy in me. Living with Guilt (in capital G, it started as an invalid guilt which my mother established inside me as a child, repeatedly accusing me of things I was NOT guilty of) has been, for me,  (using the song’s lyrics) “living in Hell“. I didn’t feel that I, a bad, Guilty person, deserved to pursue “my hopes and my dreams“. Eventually I figured out that we all live in a world that is so troubled and has been troubled for so long, that we are all broken and damaged, and we all pass or have passed on the damage to the next generation and to other people around us, in one way, be it in a relatively mild way or in severe ways.. not all forgivable. I figured that my wrong doings are not in the category of unforgivable, not if I do all that I can in the present and for the rest of my life to do right by other people.

anita

Dear Seaturtle: I will read and reply Sat morning.

anita

Dear Nick:

You shared that you served 15 years in the military. For about 8 years following your release from the military you went on only 2 dates, and then you met your now ex-girlfriend, had a 6-months relationship with her and just broke up.

You gave her the key to my place a couple weeks into the relationship. You gave her your phone password (I assume she asked for your password. I wonder what reason she gave you for asking, and why you gave it to her).

“She went through my phone… she went through my stuff… she found some stuff in my social on my Gmail…  She also made a point to go through my browser history“- my goodness, she acted like a detective looking for evidence against you, and she did it repeatedly throughout the relationship, from beginning to end.

“Saw I had not deleted some dating sites from like years ago… I apologized…  Again I apologized..  She did the unfriend me on Facebook and snap chat and refriend me then unfriend me… I had an emotional melt down“- it doesn’t surprise me that a searched,  interrogated, unfriended, re-friended and unfriended-again man will have a melt down. Seems like you entered the relationship as a Guilty Man, in her mind, and she was looking for proof all along, that you are indeed guilty.

Her behavior is not unusual for women who were betrayed in their past, projecting their distrust into future men. Basically, you paid the price for someone else who betrayed her, someone you don’t even know.

“.…But most of all I will remember being betrayed by my best friend and lover over stuff I had subscribed to over the course of being in the military for 15 years. Being back in Wisconsin and not dating anyone for 8 years. I gave you my all, and apparently, that was not enough“- you gave her your honest thoughts and feelings.. and you were indeed betrayed by the woman who falsely accused you of betraying her.

“I unloaded on her and I regret doing that… She also filed a formal hr complaint which I can’t blame her“- I didn’t notice any abusive unloading on your part.. what is it exactly that you regret, and what was the HR complaint about?

You don’t have to answer, of course. Share only what you feel comfortable sharing.

anita

Welcome to the forums, EdwardMatthew! You wrote that you saw almost all the posts.. what do you like about what you saw?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“(N) has described feeling alone in his childhood. He said he was often left home alone and played by himself. He has said that his mom didn’t really listen to him and didn’t SEE him… He said when his mom was mad at him it automatically made her mad at his dad to, as if all his ‘faults’ were because of his dad’s influence“- his mom’s anger was directed at his dad, not at her son. It is not an ideal situation, of course.. but him being out of the line of fire, may have been a positive aspect of his childhood compared to the alternative.

“I agree, it was not out of love. He would frame it as love, and make me feel so guilty as if I was not loving him enough. My mom, on the other hand was very selfless when it came to splitting time with my parents…”- (1) making one’s daughter feel so guilty = NOT loving one’s daughter. (2) your mother’s selfless behavior was a positive aspect in your childhood, compared to the alternative of having two selfish, self-centered parents.

“I have always felt I lacked self discipline, I struggle to stick with things like jobs (for over a year) and when I try to get on a healthy workout routine, I lose motivation at about 4 weeks. I just start to feel like what’s the point, I only have one life why am I living it with rules for myself..“- feeling restrained by rules, as in being unfree, caged in, jailed…?

“How my dad made me feel at the ‘house cleaning’ meetings. He would list all these things I did that showed that I was ungrateful for… manipulate me into feeling so bad… I truly attempted to be hyper aware and thought of how every little thing I did could possibly be interpreted by him. I once told him I felt I was walking on egg shells… I thought everything was just my fault“-

– feeling that everything was your fault and feeling scared of the next house-cleaning meeting, trying to prevent the next and the next by walking on egg shells, keeping yourself hyper aware of every little thing: this emotional state in itself is a form of imprisonment.. something anyone would want to be FREE from.

“Is it because I had toxic parents at home that when I got to school I had no energy for any more toxic people? As if I went to school already exhausted and drained I couldn’t take on any more?“-

– I am guessing that in school, you didn’t feel the fear/ guilt/ confusion that you felt in your father’s house (and which blocked you from confronting him), so you didn’t have these things in your way, blocking you from confronting toxic people at school.

“How do I allow myself to be in a care free child state, and a strong self-reliant adult, at the same time? For example, if one day hatchling is craving a care free childlike day of arts/crafts but adult Seaturtle needs to be self-reliant and go to her job where hatchling has to sit still“-

– Think of this: two mothers take their children to their workplace. One child is used to be carefree and childlike at home. At the workplace, she plays, but not too loudly and she doesn’t run around breaking things. Much of the time she can sit still as she plays. And so, the mother and the child can co-exist at work.

The second child is not used to be care-free and childlike at home, she often feels restrained and having to act like an adult, careful and cautious, walking on egg shells, so she craves to be carefree and childlike. Once given the chance (outside the home), she overdoes it: she keeps yelling, running and bumping into things and she can’t sit still. The two, mother and child have to go home, or to the park because they cannot co-exist at work.

“This is intense. Towards the end of living with my dad and after, I thought his misplaced trust or expectations of me were those that he expected and never received from my mother… My mom broke his trust in many ways, and it was as if he treated my teenage years of sneaking out to parties I wasn’t allowed to go to, as if I had cheated on him in marriage.. He also treated me like I was a (very bluntly put) like I was a slut like my mom… Before leaving to school from ages 13-18 my outfits would get checked… he told me I wasn’t allowed to wear jeans without a shirt that covered my butt… he would promote outfits that made me look like a box… sexualizing me and telling me how boys would think”, “what do you think about this?“-

– I think covert incest. I think of a child placed in a box that’s labeled “adult”. I think of a daughter placed in a box labeled “wife”. I think it gets claustrophobic in that box. I’d think you can’t sit still in that box.

“I went to the kitchen, got a knife from the drawer and went back to my room and held it to my bare chest, I remember wanting to end it right there, but after just leaving a very small red dot, I put it under my bed“- this is what a girl does when placed and kept in a box for too long.

“I was able to calm my anxiety, when he showed up it re-appeared inside me but I didn’t say anything in the anxiety and after about 15 min we were sitting down and I felt at peace and we enjoyed the evening together. When I wrote the post the next morning, the feelings rose up again, and it made me wonder if the night before I ‘over-tamed’ hatchling? What do you think?”- I think that it will take a significant degree of freeing the caged girl from the box before you can figure appropriate self discipline vs over-self-discipline. The caged girl (over-tamed hatchling)- needs out of the box.

“I feel like I have been dealing with two separate battles when it comes to deciding if this is the right relationship for me. Part one of the battle, is what we majorly speak about… Also sexually, we are compatible in many ways, enough to be satisfied with. However I find a lot of other things in life erotic, foreplay… he skips foreplay often unless I sort of make it all happen… I like myself better when I embody my feminine energy….  N brings out my tom-boy behaviors..  I miss my femininity. I sort of feel like I want a man that brings the parts of me I love, out to the surface“-

– out from the dark box to the surface where there’s light; out of the non-feminine, non-sexual/ tom boy box your father (not N) placed you in?

“I also feel like eroticism is what I want to be involved too. By eroticism, I mean a compatibility in what turns us on and makes us feel connected, I have this desire for someone to connect with me so deeply, I know it exists on this earth and I want it. Sometimes I wonder if I break up with N…  the universe will reward me with something magnetically just magical.. I truly hope my hopes are not DANGEROUSLY too high of expectations“-

– I think your that your expectations are indeed too high because.. a girl caged in a non-sexual box IMAGINES that sex must be .. eternally magnetic and magical. It is similar to a starving person imagining eating a steak, imagining it to always- every time and for the rest of his life- be a magical, heavenly experience. But after the first few times.. it isn’t. Sometimes it is, but at other times it’s overcooked or undercooked or it’s too chewy or you’re just not very hungry, etc.

N may not be the guy for you, there might be someone more compatible, but unrealistic expectations need to be considered.

“Do you think that I can re-associate and release my feelings about my childhood experiences with my father through art?… a blank canvas could be helpful for me…  I have considered starting an art therapy class, I am not sure how to go about it or what qualification’s I would need, but it seems like I may be looping back to that idea“- reads promising to me. Art is definitely a way to re-associate with and process dissociated feelings.

“I appreciate this option to journal here“- journal away..!

“(F) would also always tell me I basically wasn’t special… He literally told me I didn’t have original thoughts. Like I would say something I thought was a good idea or think I started a trend or that people liked what I wore or something like that and he would laugh and just make fun of me for thinking I came up with it”- he wanted you in the box: no curves and no original ideas (or humor) allowed.. In the box without anything that makes you.. you.

“I do believe I am unique. I think I project F into N in this scenario though, because I don’t feel like he thinks I am special.. I battle this. I often wonder if N would pick me from a room of women… I don’t know how much of this is projecting F into N“-

– I agree that you are unique but your craving to be unique is too strong.. like the starving person craving a steak, the craving leads to (1) frustrations that are too intense in regard to what’s lacking in the present, (2) unrealistic expectations of a magical future.

It is your right of course, to break up with N. I’m just saying that.. well, I said it right above.

anita