Dear Dave:

You are welcome.

“Tbh i have asked a doctor about this issue, and that doctor told me that regarding my situation, i’m safe….May i know ur opinion based on the evidence u found, regarding my situation on the x-ray? Is it safe in ur opinion?”-

– a medical doctor told you that you are safe regarding the X-Ray situation, and yet, you are asking me (a person who is not a medical doctor and who never met you for a medical examination, a person who is not an X-Ray technician or any other type of medical professional) if the doctor who told you that you are safe is correct or not…

I recommend again that you see a mental health professional regarding your anxiety, and again, I wish you well.

anita

* I neglected to edit out the quote “I feel I deserve this because everyone in my life has expressed to me how difficult I can be” before submitting the post above.

Dear Dave:

1) About Radiation and X-Rays (I will be adding the boldface feature to the following quotes):

“Sources of radiation are all around us all the time. Some are natural and some are man-made… Background Radiation is present on Earth at all times. The majority of background radiation occurs naturally… Naturally occurring radioactive minerals in the ground, soil, and water produce background radiation. The human body even contains some of these naturally-occurring radioactive minerals. Cosmic radiation from space also contributes to the background radiation around us… All of us are exposed to radiation every day, from natural sources such as minerals in the ground, and man-made sources such as medical x-rays” (EPA. gov/radiation sources).

“Any overexposure to radiation can lead to devastating effects. However, the amount of radiation in a typical x-ray is too low to cause issues… Imaging professionals that work in medical facilities and practices follow safety guidelines to ensure that patient’s never get exposed to more radiation than necessary. The staff provides special protective gear to limit the radiation that enters patients from an x-ray machine…

“Doses of radiation are measured in units called millirems (mrem) in the U.S. and millisieverts (mSv) internationally. People experience around three mSv of radiation each year naturally. In comparison, the level of radiation generated from a chest x-ray is only 0.1 mSv, similar to 10 days of normal walking around…  (glmi. com).

2) About Radiophobia (which includes X-ray phobia):

“Radiophobia refers only to a display of anxiety disproportionate to the actual quantity of radiation one is exposed to. In many cases, radiation exposure values are equal to or not much higher than  what individuals are naturally exposed to every day from background radiation.  For instance, some health patients refuse X-rays because they believe the radiation will harm them. Notable examples include Steve Jobs and Bob Marley, both of whom died after refusting radiation treatment for their cancer. While a healthy respect for the hazards of radiation is desirable, it’s crucial to strike a balance between caution and undue fear… Remember, understanding the actual risks associated with radiation exposure is essential to managing any fear or anxiety related to it” (dove med. com)

“Radiophobia Treatments… There are numerous different yoga poses that can substantially benefit someone who is suffering from radiophobia… Yoga can be thought of as meditation in motion. It can help to relieve some of the anxiety associated with radiophobia due to the mere fact that by engaging in yoga, your attention will be redirected… Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Radiophobia…Reducing Caffeine for Radiophobia Exercise for Radiophobia: … such as swimming, biking, skiing, walking, and jogging…  Mindfulness has the potential to significantly help those suffering from radiophobia due to how it will help one to distract themselves from their fear by refocusing their attention onto something else… redirecting one’s attention to the various sensations felt when breathing can actually help to reduce the amount of mental anguish experienced during such an influx of anxiety… Besides focusing on your breathing, you can also focus on the sounds around you, the way your skin feels as you touch certain objects, the way foods taste, as well as the way certain aromas smell. Essentially, honing into your 5 senses can significantly help you to reduce some of the anxiety that is associated with radiophobia. Also, remember that it will take a lot of practice to become an adept meditator. So, practice is key…” (psych times. com).

What do you think and feel, Dave, about these quotes?

anita

I will get back to you Sat morning, good night, Seaturtle!

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“Something similar did happen the weekend before, right after sex he looked at his phone at the time and clicked out of intimacy mode… It made me feel transactional and abandoned… I told him I knew he loved me and did not mean that but that I was feeling very sad…  So the fact it happened again the very next time we had sex I think played into my response of his phone call within 10 minutes after”-

– Only part of you knew that he didn’t mean for you to feel transactional and abandoned. The other part of you.. is not so sure, is it? I am quite sure that he didn’t mean it, and I know that he is not at all responsible for you feeling transactional and abandoned. Part of you holds him responsible.

You know what a huge part a phone plays in people’s lives, people who don’t work or run a business. N running a business that heavily relies on phone calls explains to me why he was on the phone some time after sex.

“I certainly do not want to make N feel this way, how F made me feel” you wrote in regard to N possibly walking on eggshells around you. To stop getting triggered by him, you’d have to take full responsibility for feeling transactional and abandoned, a feeling that dominated a significant part of your growing up years. Way before you met N for the first time.

“it just made me feel suspicious, he went from feeling disconnected into the car to suddenly sweet puppy dog eyes…  what crossed my mind here, that he was being inauthentic”-

– I wrote the above (about part of you not knowing that he didn’t mean to make you feel badly) before I read the part of you feeling suspicious of him. You’ve been suspicious of him for a long time. No wonder you had such a difficult time when you lived with him.. Living with a Suspect, always on guard..?

“I could certainly be reading to far into things, but a part of who I think I am is that I can read people and whether it is authentic or not“- (1)  Nobody is authentic all of the time.. and no one is exact in what they say to the extent that there are never contradictions in what they say. (2) You are looking for evidence against the Suspect, looking at any possible mismatch between what he says, his facial expressions.. looking for evidence of deceit.

“This scenario felt that way to me. I am afraid of being told that I read the situation wrong because for some reason it feels like it confuses me on who I am if I cannot correctly read when someone is being inauthentic..”-

– I don’t think that you read the situation wrong in that indeed at times he is inauthentic, but so am I, and so are you. Actually, it is highly recommended that people will not be authentic when, for example, they feel so angry at their boss, that they want to punch him or her in the face!

Let’s take a less extreme example: let’s say I was N, watching you in the play, dressed in such a way that part of your chest was showing. Let’s say I felt uncomfortable about other men watching you. I wouldn’t want to be authentic and tell you right there and then about my discomfort because I would ALSO feel that you were having a good time acting, and I wouldn’t want to rain on your parade, so to speak, by criticizing how you were dressed. Then later, the part of me that was not all-the-way okay with it will interject somewhat.

People are complex.. not much is simple and straightforward all the time. So, part of a conflicted person expresses itself at one time, another part expresses itself at another time.. Not because of deceit but because of complexity.

“My temptation was to cancel on N, but I decided in the end to have him come over for a certain amount of time and not stay the night, which is what you suggested as well and was best. However, when he got there I was in a good mood, we set up the food and cuddled for a minute first, all was well, then something happened and I journaled about it this morning: ‘Last night N made me feel like F did when I would feel like I was being manipulated“-

– Here it is: there was deceit on the part of your father (F). You didn’t get that situation wrong. You understood it correctly.

“We were eating at the table and he spilled a glass of wine and it went on the table cloth… I said I felt there was some passive aggression in his response and also just trying to blame me for something? He refused and said ‘you’re just sensitive and I love that you’re sensitive’ this was so incredibly patronizing and felt the same when he was trying to kiss me on Sunday when clearly there was something in the air. My dad would do this, make me feel like I am just too sensitive and feel things that aren’t necessary“-

– When I read that N said that he loves that you are sensitive, I viewed it positively, as in him expressing that he loves you just the way you are. I didn’t read in what he said any criticism or patronizing.  I think that you accurately understood back then and now who F is. You did not imagine F’s dishonesty, passive-aggression, blaming you, patronizing of you and expressing to you that you are just too sensitive and feeling things that are not necessary/ true.

As often is the case, we project a difficult parent into a romantic partner, often inaccurately.

“he actually doesn’t think things are really his fault?“- you asked about N. I’ll ask you: F actually doesn’t think things are really his fault, does he?

“he makes me feel crazy for it and that makes me want to run for the hills”- who is “he“, really?

“To patronize my sensitivity and just try to give me kisses and smiles to make me feel like ‘oh just a cute little girl you are being silly’ that is what the undertone of what he said felt to me. Do you think I am reading this wrong? Because if nothing is wrong and it is all actually just me, that is the familiar feeling F left me with very often, it was always my fault but it was ok and he’d give me a hug“-

– I know that you did not read ANY of it wrong when it came to your Father. You are re-experiencing your father through N. It feels like it’s about N.. doesn’t it? That’s the nature of (inaccurate) projection, it feels real, it feels accurate.

The extent and consistency of your projection of F into N makes me think that F is/ has been extremely difficult to live with, while you were growing up.

“he tried to make me feel crazy and over-reading into things but I really don’t think I am“-

– Your father tried to make you feel crazy and over-reading into things, but I KNOW that you didn’t over-read into F’s words, expressions and behaviors. You perceived him accurately. When the part of you that believes your father (the part that sides with your father’s dishonest manipulations and crazy-making behaviors) sides with the part of you who knows the truth… you will no longer project F into N.

“I don’t want to get addicted to the most addictive drug, so perhaps I need other ways to feel spiritually connected so I do not crave it for that reason”-

– Spiritually connect with the truth and disconnect from your father’s untruths. What he told you was NOT true. It was not true that you were too sensitive and imagining things that were not true. No.. it’s your father who gaslit you. Hold him responsible for what he did to you.

Please take your time with this post and tell me how you feel.

anita

Dear Danny:

Quotes from the book  Chimp Paradox: “The Psychological Mind is made up of three separate brains: Human, Chimp and Computer. You are the Human. Your Chimp is an emotional thinking machine. Your Computer is a storage area and automatic functioning machine”,

“Managing your impulsive, emotional Chimp as an adult will be one of the biggest factors determining how successful you are in life”,

“The Chimp does not necessarily work with facts. but it works with what it believes is the truth or with a perception of the truth or, even worse, with a projection of what might be the truth. It is quick to form an impression on little, if any, evidence and usually won’t give way. Of course, some impressions that the Chimp gives us are accurate and helpful, but they can just as easily be wrong. Searching for some accuracy and truth would help us to reach a sensible conclusion”,

“A golden rule for understanding people and situations is to ALWAYS try to establish THE FACTS before you make your assessment”.

Now, to your original post, Danny (I will be adding the boldface feature to some of your words):

“One of my values I have is that: I do my best at all times… I came home today from work and I had an hour to myself. I could have logged on and sent work emails that could be sent, but I didn’t. I read a book. So here, I feel I am not doing my best. I am more doing what I want. Inner critic rises up!”-

– You prefaced “I am not doing my best” with “I feel“- that’s Your Chimp being “an emotional thinking machine”– it interprets X=Y because it feels that X=Y. It felt that day that your best would’ve been to send work emails. But what if your best was to read the book you read? What if that was the right thing for you to do that day, after work, and the wrong thing to do, was to send work emails..?

The Chimp, when it is in charge, leads us to lots of distress based on- not evidence and logic- but its impressions and perceptions that are often incorrect. I don’t think that you were guilty for having read a book.

The Chimp often makes us feel invalid, false guilt: we feel guilty when we are not guilty.

“Another value I try to live by is: I am honest in my dealings Again, while that is correct 90% of the time, I did tell a few white little lies today for self preservation and telling customers their order would be with them next week when I know it will be the week after. Again, que the inner critic”-

– You prefaced lies with white little– The Chimp, when it is in charge, often harasses us with invalid, false guilt, like in your first example. The response of the one harassed: defending against all accusations of guilt, including against valid, true guilt by minimizing or denying it.

* By self preservation, do you mean that customers threatened to hit you if their orders were late, or a supervisor instructed you to lie to customers and you were afraid to defy instructions and lose your job?

“Another value I aim to live by is: I do what’s right Again, this is closely related to the value above and whilst I do live a good moral life, lying to that customer earlier, eating that chocolate cake at lunch, whilst aiming to lose a few pounds is not the right thing to do. Again, the inner critic comes at me… I am extremely tough on myself“-

– Here is the problem: the inner critic comes at you, being aggressive, being extremely tough on you.

“Has anyone any general advice on this topic? All input welcomed and appreciated“-Your aggressive inner critic is your aggressively-critical Inner parent. Replace your aggressive inner critic with a gentle, kind and yet firm inner critic.

When a child has an aggressive, accusatory parent who is extremely tough on the child (a Chimp Parent, my term), the child tries very hard to do what’s right so to avoid the Chimp Parent’s aggression, feeling a lot of invalid, false guilt, and the child hates feeling guilty so much/ afraid of the Chimp Parent’s aggression, that he minimizes and denies valid, true guilt.

Replace your Chimp Inner Parent (Chip, for short) with a Human Inner Parent (Hip, for short), a Hip who applies logic, looks for objective evidence and the bigger picture, considers feelings but is not ruled by them, and is kind, yet firm.

You mentioned chocolate cake: “eating that chocolate cake at lunch, whilst aiming to lose a few pounds is not the right thing to do“- a Chip would harass you over it, putting you down, accusing you… telling you that you shouldn’t have had any cake and should never have cake again…  making you feel oh so bad that you’d crave more chocolate cake so to feel better.

A Hip would react differently, he’d tell you something like: I can see how much you enjoy chocolate cake, and I want you to enjoy it. I want you to feel good. I also know that you want to lose a few pounds, so I’ll tell you what: have a thin slice of cake twice a week. Which two days of the week would you choose?

anita

No, it’s not a heart.. oh well. Be back to you bot, Seaturtle and hatch  tomorrow!

anita

* Please ignore this part:

“Very possible.

“– my understanding: hatchling has been trying so hard to gain her father’s approval by behaving in ways that would gain his approval, ways that didn’t feel true to her, or didn’t yet feel true to her (hatchling needed time and opportunities to become her true, genuine self).  “

The way I reply is to copy a member’s post and then reply to it part by part, deleting the parts of the post that I do not respond to. I neglected to delete one of these parts (the above).

anita