Dear Nate:

I am sorry that you feel unlovable, and i hope that you will feel better soon.

“This year I’ve tried putting myself out there and just got ghosted again by like 12 girls… Everybody says it’s not your fault but it doesn’t make sense because if I get ghosted by 12 women it’s not their fault???”-

(1) Is the word I boldfaced a typo?  (2) In what ways did you put yourself out there?

anita

Dear Nichole:

good to read back from you! I will reply further later this Fri, or Sat morning.

anita

Dear Meatball:

About her: “At some point shortly around the time she graduates from high school she is out on her own… bouncing around from various men and staying with their families.”, “She (42) and her daughter are now living with me.  I don’t ask for any rent/money… Our second ‘breakup’ – one day out of the blue she tells me she’s not ‘feeling it’ and wants to move out… she leaves and goes back to her ex in-laws. A couple days later again she calls and apologizes and says she didn’t know what she was thinking and comes back… She always lives pay check to pay check, never saving and having bad credit… She rarely plans anything.  She sleeps all the time… Intimacy has been gone for years… This is where we are now, these cycles continue to come with less and less time in between. They are always initiated by her and each time she’s able to verbalize more that she is ‘not in love’ with me.  That she had NO feelings for me.   She’s made me feel like just being in my presence disgusts her… This brings up to about a week ago where again it starts with her not wanting to be around me, not touching me, just disgusted… One big issue right now is that she has little to no money, she has nowhere to go.  No one that will take her in.   She says I’m still her best friend and that she wants me in her life just not as love partners… The last thing I’m going to do is put her out on the street”-

– reads like (1) she is depressed and has been depressed for a long time, consistently or recurringly, (2) she is not well enough to make and save money so to be able to consistently pay rent for an apartment for herself and for her daughter. She has bad credit, and that would make it extra difficult for her to find a place to rent, (3) she relied on men to provide a place for her to live when she was a teenager, maybe since, because she felt unable to provide for herself. In practical terms perhaps, Exchanging Sex for Rent, ES4R, if you will,

(4) she is 42 now, depressed and, I am guessing, feeling less optimistic than before regarding meeting a new man in her life to provide her with a place to stay, (5) from what you shared (in the quote above), she has been feeling disgust in regard to having a physical and sexual interactions with you.. but she needs a place to stay, so she tried to convince you to be non-physical, non-sexual best friends. If you continue to refuse her suggestion, she might have sex with you just so that she and her daughter have a place to live, feeling that she has no other choice, as she doesn’t want to be out on the street, no one wants that!

The compassionate thing to do, for her, is to not have her out on the street, and to not participate in ES4R with her, so to not dishonor her.. or yourself.

About you: “I have the co-dependency as an anxious attachment style… For my childhood, I could see a lack of emotional support.  My mother was smothering and did everything for us, however wasn’t the type to speak about love or supply much in the way of advice.  My father was a high tempered dad that we were scared of.  No physical abuse or mental abuse“-

Very well mind. com: “Emotional abuse, also known as psychological abuse, is a pattern of behavior perpetuated by a parent that causes a child to experience emotional distress, harms their sense of self-worth, and affects their emotional development“- a smothering mother is an abusive mother, and so is a high tempered father who repeatedly expresses his anger in ways that scare his children.

About smothering mothers: The content authority. com: “Are you a mother or a smother? While these two words may sound similar, they have vastly different meanings. Mother is a term of endearment and respect.. while smother refers to someone who is overly protective or suffocating… Smothering can manifest in a variety of ways, including constant monitoring and supervision, overindulging the child’s every whim, and shielding the child from any potential harm or disappointment”.

* A term for “constant monitoring and supervision” parenting is helicopter parenting.

Better help. com: “Psychologists have suggested that overbearing parenting can be detrimental to a child’s health, and the negative effects can follow children well into adulthood.  One of the most common problems associated with helicopter parenting for many can be the formation of an anxiety disorder in childhood or adulthood. Helicopter parenting can also lessen a child’s ability to make their own choices, which can result in a co-dependent relationship between parent and child”- anxiety and codependency that’s passed on from childhood to adult romantic relationships.

The psychological healing center. com: “I’m sure you’ve heard of the phrase smother mother. Of course it can apply to fathers as well. Smothering can stunt psychological growth and create anxiety, depression and a lack of self-confidence… The wound of smothering and controlling limits the growth of the individual. At the beginning stages of life it is important to foster healthy dependency in order to help your children become healthy and independent. Smothering and controlling does the opposite”.

anita

Dear Laven:

“There is always a brick pileup and no escape“- this reminds me of something I read long ago: how do you escape a prison cell? You stop wanting to escape. It suggests fully accepting of the circumstances that one cannot change, to stop wanting to change that which cannot be changed.

It fits the first part of The Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change”.

“I’m completely lost. Devastated. Hopeless. Without peace.“- Peace and Serenity are synonymous. Accept the things you cannot change..?

“Completely still heartbroken over neighbor guy… The distance and silence continue to crush me. I am struggling to accept things“- you said it yourself, “struggling to accept things”.

“Dealing with the heartbreak and loss of 4 long term neighbors of mine who were friendly to me (I’m not used to anyone being friendly towards me, nor talking to me) passing away… First neighbor passed 10 years ago… Finished emptying house today. Today was the last day I probably will ever see him again. He quickly left without any goodbye“- I wish he said goodbye to you. And I wish you were used to people being friendly towards you, and that the new neighbors will be friendly to you.

“Mom’s memory, health and dementia continue to be challenging issue… Mom’s sister and last remaining sibling , has been in and out of the hospital with serious health problems for about a month… Both are depressed about life, aging, and health. Both reminisce about earlier and more capable years. This breaks my heart, and it breaks further knowing that I can’t ‘fix’ it“- aging is definitely challenging for everyone. There’s information online on geriatric depression aka late-life depression (LLD)

From The National library of Medicine (ncbi. nlm. nih. gov): “Depression is one of the most common mood disorders in the late-life population… it increases with age, to reach the peak of 27% in over-85 individuals. Interestingly, the prevalence still increases and reaches the 49% in those living in communities or nursing homes…

“Late-life depression (LLD) can be distinguished according to the age at which the first depression occurred. Early-onset depression (EOD) identifies the persistence or recurrence in old age of a depression previously diagnosed throughout adulthood, while late-onset depression (LOD) represents a depressive disorder developed de novo in old age…

“Depression can be precipitated and perpetuated by chronic medical conditions typical of the aging process… As for younger adults, also for older people psychotherapeutic approaches are to be encouraged, even in the presence of cognitive decline… a brief overview of the principal psychotherapy approaches available for older persons with depression is shortly provided: Problem Adaptation Therapy (PATH)… This kind of therapy puts the focus on strategies personalized on each patient’s needs (i.e. memory and organizational deficits, behavioral/functional limitations…  Engage Therapy… Problem Solving Therapy (PST)... Supportive Therapy… Interpersonal Therapy… problems are identified and understood in the interpersonal context…”

Coming to think about it, the latter part in the quote above can help you: to identify and understand problems in the interpersonal context of your own life. To me, a non-professional (not a therapist o any kind), Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT) looks like the perfect therapy for you, Laven:

Psychology today/ interpersonal psychotherapy: “*It addresses interpersonal deficits, including social isolation or involvement in unfulfilling relationships. *It can help patients manage unresolved grief—if the onset of distress is linked to the death of a loved one, either recent or past. *IPT can help with difficult life transitions like retirement, divorce, or a move *IPT is recommended for dealing with interpersonal disputes that emerge from conflicting expectations between partners, family members, close friends, or coworkers”.

Back to your post: “Next month will mark the first year since the tragic passing of a stray cat I fed daily and tried to get a home for years… He wasn’t garbage. I love him deeply.. it breaks my heart daily… Each time I look out the window, I am faced reliving both departures. In August will make the 3 year passing of another furry gentle soul…“- this is “unresolved grief” mentioned in the quote above, in regard to IPT.

“In addition to everything, I have developed memory loss, jumbled speech and thought, brain fog, not being able to focus nor concentrate on many tasks. I can no longer multi-task.. barely can focus on one. I suspect perhaps early dementia… All of these things plus more have left me in shambles.. daily. I am constantly in tears.. I am in tears now as I am typing this.”– in the first online source I quoted from in this post, about Late Life Depression (LLD), it refers to people in their 60s and older as “Late Life”. Perhaps you are in this age group, or close to being in your 60s…? The article talks about the connection between dementia/ age-related cognitive decline and LLD.

Maybe you should see a professional on the matter..?

anita

Dear Pandinha:

“I get annoyed and triggered so easily. If he tells me something, I might view as bad or degrading about my personality (which my father used to do all the time), I get annoyed and quickly withdraw from that conversation… I’m desperately looking for that initial enchantment“- reads like your experience with your father gets reactivated in the context of your communication with this guy. It often happens that strong childhood experiences get reactivated in adult contexts. You project your father into this guy.. again, a very common phenomenon.

I figure the initial enchantment was made possible by the temporary, initial absence of this projection.

anita

Dear Lulu:

“I want to say sorry for the very long rant“- no need to apologize, as far as I am concerned. I would like you to feel comfortable with any length of your posts! Actually, this post will be very long.

“I really hope everything gets better Anita“- I hope so too, Lulu!

“Even though I have the opportunity to succeed, I’m feeling doubt on if I even deserve it. People call it imposter syndrome, anxiety, etc. etc., but it’s real and it’s alive and it sometimes feels like it’s eating me“- you deserve success, I have no doubt about it. I want to talk about your doubt later on, in this post.

“Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this“- you are welcome, and thank you for being here. I would like you to stay here for as long as you want, as often as you want, and express yourself at any length per post. You are welcome here!

“About my other thread earlier, my current goal is to be someone like you“- this is.. so sweet of you to say, thank you!

Earlier this morning, before getting to the computer, I was thinking about your original post in this thread, and I want to first, summarize it (Part 1 below), and then, respond to it more at length (Part 2 below), keeping in mind (1) the self-doubt you expressed in your latest post, and (2)  the question in the title of this thread: What do I do now?:

Part 1, Summary: You shared that you (17, going on 18) live in a public housing unit with your mother and 4 younger siblings, all are your mother’s biological children: a brother with ADHD, a sister with special needs (same sister as the one with a disabling autoimmune issues, or a different one?), a sister with bone cancer, and a 6-year old half sibling. Your mother was recently laid off from her job and is unemployed.

Your father, after separating from your mother, had 3 children with other women, one is to turn 7 this year, another was put up for adoption, and the youngest is a toddler whom you never met. He is estranged from his current wife.

Over the summer before you entered 9th grade (summer, 2021), you were sexually assaulted by a male family member. Filled with guilt and anxiety, you called your father for help. His response was to suggest that.. you may have been guilty for the assault, if you wore certain clothes. Some time later, he said that he didn’t remember that you told him about the assault.

You had a terrible mental breakdown during 10th grade (February 2022), and one late night, you started writing a suicidal letter, but called a suicidal helpline which helped you that night. The following week though, you were sent to a psych ward for 3 weeks, and were diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. You were prescribed an antidepressant, but it didn’t seem to help. Nonetheless, you ended 10th grade with a distinguished honor roll, and with a slightly better outlook on life.

During that time (2022), your ten-year-old sister started to have disabling autoimmune problems, and your father- with whom you were not in contact at the time- fell into a coma after taking a drug that was laced with (fentanyl perhaps), which caused his heart to stop and he almost died. Your mother took care of him in the hospital, and it seemed like they were friendly to each other. You were back to talking with him, and he broken down and apologized for how he treated you. The two of you maintained a relationship for a while, did things together, and you finally felt that you had your dad back, that your life was going right. Unfortunately, he had a falling out with your mother after she refused to get back together with him (Nov 2022).

During your 11th grade (May 2023), your 14-year-old sister’s leg started hurting and it turned out to be osteosarcoma, bone cancer. You called your father to ask him to drive you to the SAT testing center, being that your mother had to stay with your sister in the hospital, and he answered the phone screaming, mistaken you for your mother. A few weeks later, on another call, the last call you had with him. You wrote about that call: “I had always wanted my dad to love me. I had spent my entire life chasing his affections to no avail. I said he was a selfish person and I didn’t care if he died. He just laughed at that. Then I hung up and never talked to him since. It was May 2023“.

Following that, you, your mother and siblings travelled to Philadelphia so that your 14-year-old sister could get chemotherapy at the Children’s Hospital there. Your mother, siblings and you stayed in various hotels during that time (June-July 2023), some damp and dirty. You watched over your siblings while your mother was at the hospital with her 14-year-old. Nonetheless, you took the SAT (June 3, 2023), but you scored barely above average, given all the stress you were under.

At the end of July 2023, you all moved to a one-floor apartment paid for by Children’s Hospital, and transfer to a school in the area (September 2023), where you did a bunch of AP classes, signed up for five clubs, and studied for your (2nd) SAT. Meanwhile, your sister had to get leg surgery, as well as multiple rounds of chemotherapy, and physical therapy for about five months, during which time, you were often left alone in the apartment with your siblings. Your grades started to slip slightly, and you had frequent breakdowns because you were so drained. You never took the 2nd SAT because there was no one to drive you to the testing center, but you did take test-optional.

In Jan 31, 2024, the hospital stopped paying for the apartment in Philadelphia, and after 6 months in  Philadelphia, all of you moved back home. Your sister’s cancer was expected to be in remission, but a new tumor was found in her spine. In Feb 2024, all of you traveled back and forth to Philadelphia, staying in more hotels. In one of them, security guards busted into the room while your mother was at the hospital, and were taking a shower, because unknown to you, the room wasn’t paid for that night.

In March 2024, you were chosen as a finalist for a PhD program (a PhD program for. undergraduates?) and was scheduled to go to DC at the end of March. You were thrilled, but a few days later, it was found that your sister’s spine tumor had begun to spread quickly, and you all had to rush to Philadelphia again. On April 7th, you found out that you were rejected from the program.

You were accepted to a school close to home, but your mother wants to relocate to North Carolina, 10 hours away.  You expect to graduate high school on May 30, and your mother wants to move to N.C the day after, May 31, 2024, and Prom is on May 4, two days from today. About the Prom, you wrote, “three friends are excited to see me. And yet, I feel filled with regret, anxiety, and insecurity over everything“.

Part 2: “even though I have the opportunity to succeed, I’m feeling doubt on if I even deserve it“- you have what it takes, Lulu. Your doubts will continue for a while: it’s a habit of the brain, a mental habit, and like any habit, habits persist.  But you can turn down the volume of these doubts, and over time, you will barely hear them.. until you won’t hear them anymore.

“People call it imposter syndrome, anxiety, etc. etc., but it’s real and it’s alive and it sometimes feels like it’s eating me“- the courageous 17-going-on-18 Lulu, is the real thing, she is no imposter. If she needs to fake courage so to survive and thrive in very difficult circumstances, she is still authentically courageous. Faking courage for a good purpose is as authentic as can be.

“Even with my sister’s current state, there are days where we are normal and happy.. And then there are days where it feels as though the world is ending“- when in bad times, do not despair: remember the good times of the past, and look forward to good times in the future.

Focus on the Positive, on the Inspiring.

“I pray I have the strength to continue this journey with my mom and my family“- the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. Keep this prayer in mind.

Let’s continue to communicate, Lulu, for as long as you want.

anita