Dear Brian:

I re-read this morning every word you shared in your various threads since your very first post on Jan 9, 2022, almost 2 years and 4 months ago. I learned that (I am boldfacing your words):

It is very, very important to you, in the context of social interactions, to be genuine, not fake, not a fraud, not robotic and dishonest. You prefer to not interact with people at all than to interact with people who are fake, robotic and dishonest about how they really feel, and you don’t want to reciprocate such fakeness.

You feel/ have felt disconnected from the society where you live because people are praised for their so-called positive interactions, which, being fake, are not really positive: “I really would rather someone not talk to me at all than say a few meaningless phrases out of obligation… saying ‘It was great talking to you’, when you didn’t enjoy the conversation is what I’m referring to“.

“Trying to fit into the social structures of a society has been a challenge for me… A long time ago, I decided to live by my own rules… If I don’t think you’re funny, I wont laugh. If I didn’t enjoy the conversation, I might wish them a good day, but I wont say that it was great talking to them“. You will not answer certain questions that people ask you, and the questions you answer, you will not answer in the ways you believe people expect you to answer.

“My intention is to simply seek input and possible solutions… I don’t mind new perspectives… How do you give a good impression without appearing disingenuous?… I wish supernatural beings would communicate with me. That would be cool. I just don’t think it has happened… Spiritual beings are welcome to communicate with me. I don’t think they have yet.“-

– “Being spiritual means seeking a meaningful connection with something bigger than yourself, which can result in positive emotions and wiser action” (an online definition). I will add to this definition, “which can result in genuine positive emotions”.

It’s almost like you gave up on having genuine connections with people, so you hope to connect with supernatural beings, or spiritual beings instead.

You are welcome to continue to be genuine here, in your thread, and I wish you to be genuine in-real-life, every day. Strange how I forgot, that for a long time, I was very troubled by the same thing, fakeness vs genuineness. When I caught myself smiling not because I felt like smiling, I stopped the smile. I hated being fake-nice to people, and I made sure that my face showed anger when I felt angry. Coming to think about it, as I am typing to you.. growing up (growing in is more accurate), I wasn’t allowed my own emotions, I was severely judged for my emotions, as in being a bad person for .. genuinely feeling this way, or that way. So, I turned my genuine emotions inward, pushing them down.

My mother was super nice to people most of the time, super-ingenuously nice, that is,  when in their company, flattering them, complimenting them, feeding them with the most expensive foods… and then she’d complain about them behind their backs, saying that they take advantage of her and hurt her feelings. When I suggested to her to stop being so nice to them, she said she couldn’t. When I offered to be not-nice to them myself, to speak up for her, she ragefully threatened to kill me.

And so, I was made to be quiet during hours and hours (through the years) of watching her sort of go belly up with fake, exaggerated niceness to people who, she claimed, were bad people. It was a torture for me. I remember how difficult, how uncomfortable it was to hold all my anger inside, without expressing it. I was angry at the people who she claimed were taking advantage of her, and I was angry at my mother for being so nice to them and never allowing me to do what was right and just: to make the supposed bad people go away, instead of being so nice to them.

Thank you, Brian, for making it possible for me to understand what I shared right above better than I ever did.

“How do you give a good impression without appearing disingenuous?“- maybe a lot of people are stuck (like my mother was, like I was.. and sometimes, still am) in ingenuity, and not liking it at all. If you model being genuine- in a friendly way though- it will encourage some other people to be genuine too.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“permission to no longer suffer?”–  I love this. I think I might be the tiniest bit headed in this direction“- I want you to not suffer, SadSoul. There is no advantage to you suffering. No benefit in it, not for anyone!

Dear SadSoul:

I returned from an uneventful, light rain walk (my usual route, route 1), saw a couple of deer, and a couple of vehicles passing me by.

“the owner might not encounter people in his travels so never had this situation arise“- well, no one walks there (route 2) but me. I am the only one (a walking legend, if I may say so), so, there’s no reason to keep the dog on leash other than when I walk.

More tomorrow!

anita

Dear Nate:

I didn’t spend much time on your short original post yesterday and I want to try and do a better job responding this Sunday morning:

“No matter what I do I can’t find anybody who loves me or wants to love me and I have no idea what makes me so unlovable… I can’t figure out what makes me such an unlovable s*** who isn’t worthy of a partner or sex. Is it my body? is it my face? Everybody says it’s not your fault, but it doesn’t make sense because if I get ghosted by 12 women it’s not their fault???“-

– Traditionally, when it comes to dating, men initiate: they are the ones doing the asking, and women respond with a Yes or a No. This means that most men, if they take on the asking, get lots of No-s before they get a Yes, while women don’t get No-s because they are not the one doing the asking.

– You say that you were ghosted by 12 women. If you never met these women in real-life and they all ghosted you online (in a dating website perhaps), then being ghosted online is, unfortunately, a very common experience, it’s.. business as usual. How a person comes across online may be a problem: if one expresses an attitude of hostility or extensive self-pity, that is likely to turn people off.

– If you met these 12 women in real-life, on a date or a few dates, and then they ghosted you; again, how you come across to women may be a problem.  If you come across in ways that women find unattractive, there are ways for you to change the way you come across. For example, let’s say that on a date,  you say little and you don’t ask the woman any questions. The result: she may think that you are bored with her, and that you have no interest in getting to know her better. If so, even though you feel lonely, you come across as someone who is not social. In this example, you can learn to make small talk, and to ask questions so that the woman feels that you not bored with her, and that you are interested in getting to know her.

You ended your original post with: “I don’t know what to do and I’m in desperate need of someone to talk to“- please talk here, talk to me..?

anita

Dear Robi:

“I’ve started a new second job here in Alicante – in a beach bar…“- reads like fun, great environment!

“Is the grass always that much greener?“- it used to be that way for me, but I am finally living where I like to live, and I don’t care- at all- to go anywhere else, not even for a visit. I used to live by the beach for decades and didn’t feel at home there. Now I live in the woods, and the grass is literally greener here than anywhere else, lol.

“Now, I’m here in Alicante having 2 jobs but feeling lonely“- as adults, we re-live the emotional experience of difficult childhoods. As a child you were lonely=> as an adult you are lonely (until you change within, heal enough).

“I don’t need those parties and the alcohol to cover my wounds anymore, therefore I’ve ‘lost’ most of my friends (or drinking buddies ) too“- congratulations for losing your drinking buddies..! Looking at the title of your thread, you are indeed growing up!

“I live in Alicante with a friend of mine in a room I don’t like and I feel lonely. I miss my girlfriend… I feel a bit trapped to be honest.. trapped in a cage I myself created… And.. did I say friend? I’m not even sure about this anymore…”– you have to find friends in Alicante, true friends who don’t regularly drink.. Maybe in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), if such exist there?

“Now.. I’ve recently started this new job. It’s actually pretty nice… Still I have doubts. I am not sure I want to stay here. Part of me feels like I’m forcing myself to stay here – like I’m making my life harder. Honestly here I don’t seem to yet find more clarity. Very often I’d like to go back to Warsaw. Being away from my woman hurts.. She’s been here for a few days visiting me last week and she’ll be back in 4 weeks…“- she visits you quite frequently. What does she say about your dilemma (whether to stay in Alicante or move back to Warsaw)?

Here’s an idea: commit to stay where you are for the rest of 2024, and don’t spend any time seriously considering leaving for the rest of this year. Put off the considering to Jan 2025.

“There isn’t much communication with my parents anymore“- that’s not a bad thing. A good thing.

“While I was living in Warsaw I wanted to move here. Maybe I thought it would be easier for her to come over here and now realising that might take a long time… it hit me. Don’t get me wrong. There are good things. I feel like I’m growing and doing a lot of work on the inside…  I’ve grown a lot”- the term growing pains come to mind. Endure it and focus on the positives, every day.

“Take good care Anita, I hope you too are doing fine and all is good there where you are!“- thank you, Robi. I am fine.. and so are you, you are doing very well. Take good care of yourself, Robi!

anita