Dear Carol:

You are welcome! “if she takes days to reply, I guess I will have my answer… In both cases, I will give up on the friendship“- so, you are prepared for 3 out of 4 of the possibilities and give up the friendship as a result.

In regard to the 2nd possibility out of the four: “It would seem quite sudden, especially as we haven’t really been emotionally close in a long time. I think I would need some time one on one to rebuilt the friendship. Does that make sense?“- yes, it makes sense that you’ll need 1-on-1 time with her before meeting her boyfriend and his friends.

“Sometimes, I think the last one is the most likely to happen“- it will be interesting how she will respond, if it’d be one of the possibilities I mentioned or something that didn’t occur to me (or to you?)

“But I will find some peace in the fact that I have tried the best I could to salvage our friendship.“- peace of mind is so very important. More important than any friendship.

anita

Dear Clara:

I understand you missing her. “It hurts to think that she might be uncomfortable with me in the house“- it just so happens that an article on emotion regulation (or emotional regulation) appeared on my newsfeed yesterday, msn. com en-us/ health/ other/ exploring-emotional-regulation-techniques, about how very helpful it is to one’s health and relationships. The better you regulate your emotions, the healthier you are, and the healthier your relationships.

Post again anytime. Remember, this is your journal, if you want it to be.

anita

No, SadSoul, I got sicker last evening, had some fever, throat is hurting this morning. Yesterday I took a 3.5 mile walk but I will not today, stay indoors ALL DAY.

anita

I meant body, not bod (a slang I don’t use), ha ha

Dear Caroline:

I did not re-read any of our previous communication before I replied to you yesterday. I just did a bit of reading and came across a promise I made to you on March 5 this year: “I promise you that if and when you are back, when I respond to you, I will pay close attention to submit posts that are always gentle and kind.”

Your last words before your return yesterday (July 1) was on March 10: “Recently I am not as scared to express that I don’t like something. I wish I could do it more often, it is very freeing. take care“.

Having re-read some of our communication before: I wonder if you visited Italy with your girlfriend, how it was, and about your job that you were struggling with. You don’t have to share of course. Also, I wonder about Emotion Regulation which we discussed, and which is just what you (and all of us) need. I wonder if you followed up on it.

anita

Dear  Clara:

*I am making this comment after completing this post because I wanted to let you know that it may be distressing to read it. I am sorry.. You are welcome to skip this post, of course.

“I tend to overreact and often the overreacting is the second arrow of suffering in Buddhist’s saying“- overreacting is a source of suffering- not only to the one doing the overreacting- but also, to the recipient of the overreacting, the one in a relationship with an over-reactor.

“she mentioned her not feeling much, and she had to be on tip toe all the time” (earlier)- fear is the consequence of being the recipient of overreacting-=  being on tip toe all the time, afraid to make a sound.

“for now I am a bit scared of what will happen“- you are scared of living without her.. maybe, she is scared of living with you.

“I can’t figure out if she wants to break up, or if she wants to salvage the relationship (or any other motive).  The actions do not add up. If she wants to break up then she has all the opportunities… if she wants to continue, why is she not sharing anything at all yesterday“- maybe, just maybe, she is/ was afraid of living with you, and she is afraid that you will overreact if she breaks up with you.

I think that fear plays a big part in her behavior and in yours, before and after the break. I can’t see the dynamics between the two of you when you were living together, but maybe you were so focused on your insecurities/ your fear, that you didn’t know how you came across to her, that she was intimidated by you..?

If any of this is true, then your best bet is to address the topic with her, and to promise her- if you are ale to keep the promise– that overreacting will no longer be part of the relationship.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

Nose running big time, bod achy, not at all “springing into the day feeling great“! How are you feeling?

“The rain finally came and I am saturated… I don’t want drought and fires again either so maybe I should be grateful“- grateful indeed for rain we must be!

anita

Dear Debs123:

You are welcome. In this post I want to review what you shared so far, beginning with your original post: “He’s now asked me to dinner. He said he’s excited to see me and catch up…  2 weeks later, no word. “- What happened to his stated excitement to see you? It didn’t motivate him to contact you and arrange to have dinner with you, two weeks so far.

“I always felt something was off, sensed he was lying to me about things. But could never catch him in anything. Until the last breakup. He got caught in a lie… (and) another lie he told. So he lied about lying“- so, you did catch him lying twice, two years ago (the time of the last breakup).

“He said he’d supplement my income until we could buy a house together.  And he bailed, less than 2 months later, citing communication problems… Leaving me to figure out how I’m going pay the bills“- he made a promise to you: to supplement your income, and he broke his promise with no guilty conscience, so it seems.

“He hated conflict, so when I would approach him about how I was feeling, like when he seemed ‘different’ to me, he would eventually blow up at me because, for me, it just wasn’t resolved. He was tired of me bringing things up“- reads like in his mind, his dominant attitude has My Way, or the Highway. No willingness to consider.. your way.

“He did nice things for me throughout the times we were together. He had a way of making me feel special, that I was important. However, he was unkind at times also, making jokes at my expense, saying mean things in the heat of the moment… There just seemed to be something missing, holes in stories.. There were times I thought I was going crazy, unsure about what was real and what wasn’t.  Was he even real?  Was he hiding behind a mask? Was I just paranoid?“- reads to me that you were not paranoid regarding him, and that he was- is, indeed, hiding behind a mask, as in a succession of mask-on, mask-off behaviors, a pattern that would confuse anyone who is emotionally attached to him while not being  aware of what is happening.

What you shared about him makes me think of a title of a book: People of The Lie by Dr. Peck. Quotes from the book that seem to fit the guy you were involved with (and in parentheses, explanation of the quotes by bookey. app):

“The most common form of evil is not the spectacular crime, but the everyday betrayal” (“the author persuasively suggests that the most prevalent type of evil is not the sensationalized acts of violence or grand crimes, but rather the everyday betrayals we often disregard… While we may be quick to condemn heinous acts that make headlines, we often overlook the small but significant ways in which individuals harm others through deceit, manipulation, and acts of betrayal in our everyday interactions”).

“Evil is often hidden in plain sight, camouflaged by the masks of normalcy” (“In our daily lives, we encounter numerous individuals who seem perfectly normal and ordinary, yet behind their seemingly innocent facade lies a darker side… Evil… thrives on disguises and camouflage, fooling those around it. It serves as a reminder that appearances can be deceiving”).

“Evil seeks to destroy truth because truth reveals its existence” (“Evil is inherently threatened by truth… Evil thrives in darkness and deception, using lies and manipulation to conceal its true intentions”).

“Evil feeds on the ignorance and complacency of good people” (“Evil thrives when good people remain unaware or indifferent to its presence… It serves as a reminder that combating evil requires not only the absence of malevolence but also active awareness, vigilance, and a refusal to turn a blind eye to injustice. Only through the collective effort of the good can evil be confronted and overcome”).

“Evil lives in the gap between what is said and what is done” (“True evil lurks not only in the actions or words themselves, but in the inherent contradiction that arises when they fail to align. The quote implies that evil thrives in these gaps, exploiting the dissonance between purported values or intentions and the actual behavior exhibited. Whether through empty promises, deceit, or hypocrisy, evil finds fertile ground in the space where words and actions do not align, serving as a reminder to be vigilant and aware of the incongruities that may exist in our interactions with others”).

anita