Dear Substantial:

Thank you for your kind words. I’m truly glad to read that my support has been helpful to you during this tough time.

I appreciate the time you’ve taken to reflect on the situation and share your thoughts so openly. It’s clear that you’re experiencing a lot of internal conflict and anxiety regarding your relationship. Your introspection shows great self-awareness, and that’s an important step toward finding clarity.

It’s understandable to feel a range of emotions when considering ending a relationship. The concerns you mentioned are valid, and many people experience similar fears and doubts. Here are a few points to consider:

Second-Guessing: It’s natural to second-guess yourself, especially when making significant decisions.

Self-Blame: While it’s important to reflect on your own actions, remember that relationships involve two people. Both partners contribute to the dynamics, and it’s rarely just one person’s fault.

Fear of Loneliness: Fear of being alone can be powerful, but sometimes, taking a step back can provide the space needed for personal growth and healing.

Low Self-Esteem and Fear of Abandonment: Recognizing these underlying fears is crucial. Working on building self-esteem and addressing abandonment issues can help you gain confidence and clarity.

I noticed that you seem to be experiencing a lot of repetitive and intense thoughts about the relationship and its potential outcomes. This kind of thinking is often referred to as “rumination” or “obsessive thinking.” Obsessive thinking can make it difficult to find clarity and peace. It might be helpful to explore ways to manage these thoughts, such as mindfulness practices, journaling, and seeking professional support: a therapist or counselor who can help you develop strategies to manage obsessive thinking and provide guidance tailored to your situation.

About her behavior: it’s interesting to note that when you naturally pulled back, she started putting more effort into the relationship. This could indicate that she values the relationship and senses the need to make changes. However, it’s also important to consider whether these changes are sustainable and if they address the core issues causing your anxiety.

Ultimately, the decision to stay or leave the relationship is a deeply personal one. Be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge your feelings and allow yourself the time and space to process them. Learn to trust yourself to make the choice that aligns with your well-being and growth.

I hope this helps, and I’m here for you as you continue to navigate this journey.

anita

Dear Dafne:

Thank you for your kind words 😊 I’m so glad you feel welcome here.

Dec 29, 2024: “he asked me out and started talking about a project to be together. He lives in a tiny apartment… he doesn’t have a stable job; only works a few hours for his friend doing admin tasks… So, not sure how he wants to have a house in the future. There is that big (but risky) project in Asia he has been working on for 4 years and still nothing happened.”

Jan 8, 2025: “He showed me an official letter from a cultural center but refused to send it to me as it was confidential. Do you think it could be true? It is not a work contract or any other legal document. Anyone could have written that. Maybe he was afraid that I could verify it?”

Feb 6: “I had an impression that he is looking for someone willing to contribute financially in order to have a house. He has sent me many apartment and house adverts and asked which one I like. Then once I told him he said that he had no money to buy and that his work wouldn’t allow him to take a mortgage or loan. Why is he even showing it to me? I’m confused…”

Feb 9: “He told me to choose (a restaurant) and I made a choice but.. Then he refused all places I wanted to go to… He proposed another one and I accepted then told me that he can’t take me there… Then texted me that he made a booking to a different restaurant. Why did he ask me in the first place if he decided already?”

Feb 21: “He keeps writing about the project… He told me that if I promise not to share his business plan with anyone else, he will send it to me. I said ‘ok, if you trust me, send it to me and I won’t share the sensitive details’. But once I said ok, he said that he will show it to me on his tablet (instead of sending) as there are some numbers and salaries included. So he wants future with me but hides information? Why did he ask me in the first place?”

This is my understanding of the situation:

* The Asian Project: The project exists only in its planning phase, which he has put together by himself. It does not exist in a practical sense. Just like I could start a project involving millions of dollars on my computer by researching, copying, and pasting information into an online business plan form, he has created a plan with no practical applications. He wants you to invest financially in what is, in practical terms, a fictional project.

* The Home Advertisements: He knows that you want to get married and move in with a husband, so he manipulates this desire by sending you advertisements for homes. His intent is not to buy any of them but to motivate you to buy them and arrange for a mortgage that he is unable to get himself.

* The official letter from a cultural center, the one that “Anyone could have written”, is one that he has written (or got an online source to write for him).

* The Restaurant Fiasco: When he asked you to choose a restaurant, his intention was not to genuinely consider your choice. Instead, it was a tactic to keep you engaged in his “Dafne Project,” with the ultimate goal of leading you to hand him money.

* In regard to sending you his business plan vs showing it to you on his tablet: when he offered to send you a business plan, he didn’t intend to follow through—just like when he sent you home adverts with no intention of buying any, and when he asked you to choose a restaurant but didn’t honor your choice. These actions are all tactics to keep you engaged and wanting a future with him, ultimately aiming to lead you to hand him money for that future.

“Now, he really wants to meet me and show me the plan. I think out of courtesy, I could meet one time… I could simply say… Is that a good idea Anita? Would you say something else instead?”- For your emotional well-being and to protect yourself from harm, I believe it would be best to end all contact with him.

“To be honest, I’m trying to distance myself as much as I can but somehow he doesn’t let me. He just doesn’t give up easily… now the relief of unblocking me turns into a frustration… I don’t know how to establish the emotional distance anymore… What would you suggest Anita?”- I would send him a courteous message where you express that you are ending all contact with him, for your sake and his, requesting that he no longer contacts you. If he disregards your message and contacts you (beyond one possible message where he accepts your assertion and says goodbye)- block him. You deserve to have control over your own life and emotional well-being. He shouldn’t have this kind of control over you.

I hope that you have a good weekend, and 🫂🤗 back to you!

anita

Dear Alessa:

I’m truly sorry about the hardships you have faced, and I’m glad to hear that things are a lot better for you now. It’s important to be gentle with yourself, and your journey towards self-compassion is commendable.

Dear Jana:

I understand your perspective on rules, plans, and goals, and I agree that both our upbringing and genetics play a significant role in shaping who we are.

I can see why you associate strength with protection, especially in a harsh and unpredictable world. It’s unfortunate when tenderness, such a beautiful and valuable quality, is exploited by others.

I admire how you connect success and failure to personal and spiritual development. Striving to be a decent, kind, and tender person is indeed a noble goal, and it’s clear that these values are deeply important to you. It’s wonderful to read how you’ve embraced your true self and found internal validation.

anita

Thinking about you, Robi, wondering how you are doing..?

anita

Thinking about you, Beni, wondering how you are feeling.

anita

Dear Alessa and Jana:

You’re both very welcome, and thank you for being here with me. You are making remarkable progress on your personal journeys, and it’s inspiring and helping me to make progress on my own journey.

One of my core beliefs, similar to yours, Alessa, was “I am not a good person”. And another, a consequent of the first: “I don’t deserve a good life” (because I am not a good person).

As is common for people with the core belief of not being good enough, I too engaged in self-criticism, harshly judging myself for perceived flaws, mistakes, and failures. This constant self-criticism eroded my self-esteem and reinforced the core beliefs I mentioned.

Negative self-talk, a common manifestation of the belief “I am not good enough.”, becomes a habit that is difficult to break.

Many people cope with these core beliefs and the accompanying negative self-talk by engaging in behaviors such as substance abuse, self-harm, disordered eating (like binge eating), and avoidance- avoiding situations, activities, or people that might trigger feelings of inadequacy, often leading to social isolation and missed opportunities for growth and connection.

Self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, especially during times of struggle or perceived failure. Practicing self-compassion can help break the cycle of self-abuse by challenging negative self-beliefs and promoting a positive and nurturing self-view.

It helps to recognize that feelings of inadequacy are a common human experience. Everyone struggles with self-doubt at times. Understanding this can help foster a sense of connection and reduce feelings of isolation.

Jana, you asked: “Do you think that all people experience some emotional or mental difficulties?”- my answer: absolutely. Human beings are complex and emotional creatures, and life’s difficulties and hardship affect our mental well-being in various ways. This can include stress, anxiety, sadness, grief, or even more severe mental health conditions. The key is recognizing that these reactions to hardship are a natural part of life, seeking support when needed, and treating ourselves and others with compassion.

“It is interesting that you both find/found rules, plans, goals helpful to stay focused. I am very nervous when I have to follow strict plans and goals … I like to “flow” and to be flexible in situations. Rules and plans actually make me nervous.”-

– Writing my “Rules 4 Life” helped me feel focused and in control, which lessened my anxiety. This method provided a sense of order and predictability, which was comforting (until a rule was broken). In contrast, you find that strict plans and goals make you nervous. Instead of feeling comforted by structure, you prefer to “flow” and be flexible in situations.

While rules help me stay focused, they have the opposite effect on you, making you anxious instead. I believe this difference stems from our distinct experiences growing up in different environments— home versus school. For me, home represented chaos, while school represented order. At home, I was very anxious because my mother was unpredictable, like a bomb that could explode at any moment. School, on the other hand, provided comfort because it was predictable. I loved the strict teachers who enforced rigid rules and maintained strict supervision, ensuring that other children couldn’t abuse me. This predictability was something I could rely on, and it was wonderful.

In contrast, from what I remember you sharing, your home life was more relaxed in that your parents were not explosive like my mother, and they allowed you to spend a lot of time outdoors without supervision. The issue for you arose at school and in those hobby clubs you mentioned, where you were mistreated and felt trapped. While I felt trapped with my mother (due to the lack of rules and predictability) and found temporary shelter at school (with its rules and predictability), you felt trapped at school, confined by its rules and predictability, and found refuge outdoors, free from rules and predictability, enjoying the freedom to go outside and relax.

Fast forward to now, I still find comfort in rules and predictability and feel distressed by unpredictability, whereas you still feel distressed by rules and predictability and find comfort in flexibility and spontaneity.

What do you think of my understanding, Jana?

anita

Dear Dafne:

Thank you so much for your heartfelt message. I’m truly touched by your kind words and gratitude ❤️.

I’m glad that my support has helped you navigate through the storm of emotions. Remember, you’re stronger than you realize, and I’m here to guide you every step of the way 🤗.

Navigating life at home can be challenging, but I believe in your ability to apply the self-care and boundaries we discussed. It’s not easy, but knowing that someone cares about you can make a world of difference. You deserve to give life another chance and find happiness.

Stay vigilant with the “spider” and trust that you’re strong enough to protect yourself from being mistreated again. Once he realizes that he can’t manipulate you anymore, he’ll likely move on.

Thank you for being on this journey with me. I also hope we both find inner peace and happiness despite the past. Your strength and resilience are inspiring, and I’m here for you always.

Big big hug 🤗 to you too! Take care of yourself and have a wonderful evening.

anita