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anitaParticipantDear Shinnen:
Thank you so much for your message right above. I want to re-read it in the morning (it’s Tues evening here) and reply further then.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Jana:
I re-read your first post on tiny buddha, on Nov 7, and your most recent, on Nov 30, and wanted to add the following:
Your experiences as a sensitive and introverted child, faced with bullying and misunderstanding, are deeply moving. It’s understandable that these experiences shaped your fears and anxieties.
It’s wonderful that you’ve created a life where you can enjoy the peace of nature and the love of a supportive partner.
It’s important to recognize that being good and calm are not flaws, but rather strengths. Unfortunately, some people misinterpret a quiet and reserved demeanor as weakness/ passivity, and proceed to mistreat those they perceive to be weak, passive, or just different.
Introverts and tender people are sometimes easy targets for those who are looking to assert dominance or control. Also, in group settings, those who are different or stand out (such as introverts) can become targets for group dynamics that favor conformity. This can lead to bullying or exclusion as a way for the group to reinforce its norms.
Surrounding yourself with people who appreciate and understand your calm demeanor can help reinforce your sense of belonging and self-worth.
I’m looking forward to reading about how you’re doing with your promises to your loved ones. It’s clear that you have a strong sense of responsibility and care for those around you, including your partner, dog, and cat. Your dedication to your relationships and personal growth is truly admirable.
Continue being kind to yourself, and know that your journey, with all its ups and downs, is valuable and meaningful.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Reader:
This is me journaling: I need to practice the principles of Buddhism every day: Right Mindfulness (Practicing awareness of thoughts, feelings, and actions), Right Intention (Cultivating intentions of goodwill and do-no-harm in my speech and in my action), Right Speech (Speaking truthfully and kindly), Right Action (Acting ethically).
My whole life I wanted to be a good person.
Ever since I was a child, and mostly when I was a child, there were some people in my personal life who were anywhere from inconsiderate/ unthoughtful to ==> abusive, cruel. Beginning with (you guessed it if you’ve been reading my posts here) my mother.
Too many people (and one is too many) derive pleasure/ relief from stress by abusing others/ witnessing others’ misfortunes, and I get it, sometimes I feel it too. I don’t want to speak/ act on it though.
Overall, I don’t want to present myself (post early childhood) as a Victim. I understand that I’ve done both, as an adult: I helped and I hurt people. Back to my intent: I want to help whenever possible; I do not want to hurt, ever: Do No Harm.
It has been EXTREMELY difficult, as a child (and onward) to be accused by my own mother: to be accused by her of having the ongoing intent (which I did not at all have) to hurt her. In the distorted mirror she placed in front of me, I was a BAD little person (and she was the always-good/ Forever-Victim (FV, if you will), a victim of bad people, including her very-loving little girl.
Her parenting style: punishing the little girl, punishing the teenage daughter, the adult daughter: this is her legacy, this is my story.
Time for a change of story, isn’t it?
Time to reject and break that mirror placed in front of me.
No, mother: I was not a bad little girl-person. I am not a bad person now. I am a good person. I have been correcting the ways in which I have hurt others.
Following your abuse and teaching that all people (other than you) are bad people, I am not listening to you anymore. You are not my authority. You are.. you have been a bad person in my life: your legacy, ny story.
Onward, a different story, a different legacy promoted by me.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Tom:
It’s great to read that you’re still maintaining your gratitude practice and using the Calm app daily, that you’re finding it helpful and that it’s making a positive impact on your well-being.
Having some time off from Christmas Eve until January 2nd sounds like a valuable opportunity to relax and recharge. It’s always good to have a goal to look forward to, and it sounds like a great time to reset and prepare for the new year.
Keep up the fantastic work with your mindfulness practices. Your dedication and positive mindset are truly inspiring!
anita
anitaParticipant* “My insight into the complexity of my relationship with my mother”- initially, I wrote this in the 2nd person, as if I was hearing validation from a 3rd party, someone speaking to me.
anitaParticipantDear Jana:
You are very kind, Jana, and I appreciate you more than you know! I understand the difficulty in reading and processing long posts. Please know that I don’t want to burden you with my long posts. It helps me to share with you, to know that you are a real, empathetic person on the other side of the screen into which I type.
Most importantly, when replying to me (and to other members) is to express no criticism- a mistake I have made in the past. I don’t expect you to spend a lot of time on my posts, analyzing them and trying to move me toward solutions. I just want an empathetic, non-critical listening ear, and for as long as I have it in you, I am grateful!
As I shared with you yesterday, relatively recently, I stumbled into a difficulty: my suppressed anger born in childhood and experienced for decades, gets unleashed when I drink too much alcohol. I already took a few practical steps toward managing my drinking, having asked one server to cut me off after a 2nd glass of wine (I thought about quitting drinking completely, but can’t bring myself to doing that).
Continuing my process: I suffered significant abuse and emotional neglect from my mother, who inflicted both physical and emotional harm. This abuse has had lasting effects on me, including the development of Tourette Disorder and other psychological conditions. At this very moment, Jana, my left shoulder hurts from the tics.
The abuse has left enduring marks on me, manifesting in conditions such as Tourette’s, ADD/ADHD, OCD, depression, borderline personality disorder, and anorexia. The persistent nature of these struggles highlights the deep impact of my early experiences.
I need to say (type) al this because people- including myself- have invalidated my experience, particularly my mother, of course. A huge hindrance to my healing has been this very invalidation all along.
Despite the trauma, I have made significant progress in my healing journey. The cessation of OCD and no longer fitting the diagnoses of several other conditions is a testament to my resilience and hard work. But healing is an ongoing process, and my efforts to share and elaborate on my experiences are part of this journey, aimed at weakening the power of past traumas.
There is a significant amount of suppressed anger in me, which erupted in an incident at the local taproom. This event serves as a reminder of the unresolved emotions that still need to be addressed. By expressing my experiences and emotions, I am seeking to process and heal from the past. This need to express and share is a critical part of my healing process.
My relationship with my mother was complex and filled with contradictions. While she occasionally showed affection, her actions were primarily driven by a desire to inflict harm and take revenge, including via very long shaming and guilt-tripping sessions where she’d say anything that had the venom she needed to inject into my poor psyche.
Also, she was suspicious of everyone and imprinted deep in me the belief that there’s no one to trust, no good person out there. She went on and on about how everyone was bad, everyone I knew in real-life. So, I was angry at everyone I knew (except at one aunt, I think), and had no one to confide with, no one to support me. And then, my mother herself was not there to support me, so there was.. no one. By constantly emphasizing that everyone was bad, she shaped my negative worldview, making it difficult for me to see the good in people or to form trusting relationships, leading to feelings of anger and isolation. Without someone to confide in, I experienced profound loneliness and emotional deprivation. My mother’s own unavailability for support compounded this isolation, leaving me feeling abandoned and entirely alone. This lack of emotional support from a primary caregiver can be deeply damaging.
The suspicion and anger imprinted by my mother led to profound isolation which was interrupted- in childhood and for decades later- by very few strained, short-term relationships, reinforcing the belief that there was no one to trust. It’s been a cycle of mistrust and isolation.
So, you see, it’s not only that she had hurt me personally, but that she took away my ability to trust and form healthy relationships, without which healing is impossible.
Some of the damage done by her is irreversible, particularly the neurological-muscular connection associated with Tourette’s. I have to accept that which I cannot change, and change that which I can.
By sharing my story, I seek validation and understanding from others. This is an important step in my healing process.
I am now going to validate myself: my feelings of anger, pain, and sadness are completely valid. The abuse I endured and its lasting effects are significant, and it’s understandable that these emotions would surface from time to time. It’s heartening to acknowledge the progress I’ve made, particularly with overcoming OCD and no longer fitting certain diagnoses. My dedication to healing and self-improvement is commendable.
The incident at the taproom serves as a reminder of the powerful emotions I am carrying. It’s important to find healthy outlets for expressing and processing this anger. My insight into the complexity of my relationship with your mother, and the acknowledgment of the irreversible damage done, shows a deep level of self-awareness. It’s crucial to continue this self-reflection as part of my healing process.
I am not alone in my struggles. Reaching out to supportive communities, like Tiny Buddha, and seeking validation from others who understand can provide comfort and encouragement. My experiences and feelings are valid, and I deserve support and understanding.
Like I wrote in the beginning of this post, Jana: I am doing this for myself, and for others who may be encouraged by my healing process; not expecting you to spend much time on my posts. Thank you for being here!
anita
anitaParticipantDear EvFran:
Thank you for your kind words—they mean a lot to me! I’m glad you enjoyed the poem and found it uplifting. I truly believe in the power of connection and the strength we can gain from each other’s support, including here, on Tiny Buddha.
It’s heartening to hear that you spend time in nature and allow yourself to feel and process your emotions. Crying and walking in the woods can be incredibly therapeutic. I have done I only yesterday!
Keep holding on to that inner strength, and remember that better days are ahead, and please post again anytime!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Halle:
I’m really sorry to read about what you’re going through. It sounds incredibly tough and it’s understandable that you’re feeling sad and upset. Here are a few thoughts and pieces of advice that might help:
Your feelings are completely valid. It’s natural to feel hurt and overwhelmed when faced with constant criticism and disrespect from those who should be supporting and uplifting you.
Your emotional and physical well-being is crucial, especially given your chronic condition and the recent loss you’ve experienced. Prioritizing your health and finding ways to reduce stress are important steps.
Consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. A professional can provide a safe space for you to express your feelings and help you develop strategies for coping and healing.
Setting boundaries is important. It’s okay to distance yourself from toxic relationships, even if they involve family members. Protecting your mental health should be a top priority.
Remember that your worth is not defined by others’ opinions or treatment of you. The positive feedback you received at the networking event shows that others see your value and appreciate your company. Trust in your own intrinsic worth.
Reach out to friends or support groups who can offer encouragement and understanding. Surrounding yourself with positive influences can make a significant difference.
If you’re considering separation, it’s important to think about what’s best for you and your child. A separation might provide you the space to heal and reflect on what you need moving forward.
Thank you for sharing your story and reaching out for advice. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Take care of yourself, and remember that you are not alone.
anita
anitaParticipantDear John:
I really appreciate your thoughtful and reflective response. Your teacher’s wisdom resonates deeply—it’s a powerful reminder that even small actions can have a significant impact. The analogy of being like heavy water in a nuclear reactor is brilliant; it captures the idea that while we may not be able to stop all the chaos, our efforts can indeed slow it down and bring about positive change.
Thank you for sharing this perspective. It’s encouraging to know that every little bit counts and that we can all contribute in meaningful ways to make the world a better place, or at the very least, not make it worse.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
I didn’t notice the post you addressed to me the day before yesterday until this Sun morning.
You responded to “the Eternal encompasses all, even the parts we struggle to understand or accept.. doesn’t it?” with your usual witty humor, which I enjoy: I believe it does. It’s a work, not to work, in progress. 🙂”-
– I like your clever play on words! Indeed, embracing the Eternal is work-no work in progress. Thanks for sharing your thoughtful insight and the smile.
“Its disconcerting when (the realities of) those close to you are so different from yours. I image them saying the same about my reality.. Another post talked about disappointment and asking advice on when to speak and when to stay silent. I think behind that is this need to be seen and heard, which the current happenings have made even more difficult and likely behind me being just ok and not feeling myself“-
– I want to thoroughly process what you expressed here: you are feeling unsettled by how the realities of those close to you are so different from your own. This highlights a sense of disconnection and difficulty in finding common ground. You imagine that others might feel the same way about your reality. This shows an awareness of mutual misunderstanding and the complexity of human interactions.
Behind the struggle to decide when to speak up and when to stay silent, you identify a fundamental human need, which is to be seen and heard. This highlights the importance of validation (which involves affirming that what a person feels or thinks is important and reasonable), and recognition (which involves giving credit, praise, or appreciation for someone’s efforts, contributions, or characteristics) in human relationships.
You note that current happenings have made it even more difficult to feel understood and connected. This suggests that external factors, possibly related to broader social/ political or global events, are exacerbating feelings of isolation and disconnection, and that these challenges are likely behind your feeling of being “just okay” and not feeling entirely yourself. This indicates an emotional toll and a longing for deeper connection and understanding.
I can understand, Peter, how difficult, even tormenting, it can be when the realities of those close to you differ so much from your own: I grew up in this kind of situation where my mother’s reality was that I was a bad girl who needed to be punished, while my reality (an objectively true reality) was that I was a loving girl who needed to be loved. Of course, my most fundamental human need to be seen and heard as I was, was severely unmet.
The need to be seen and heard is such a fundamental part of our human experience, and current political circumstances (recent US elections, for one) amplify those feelings of disconnection and disorientation for many. In regard to politics, when I talk to people with a very different reality, I emphasize what we do agree about, the portions of our realities that we do share. (Although, I need to stop trying too hard to be liked in real-life, so hard that I compromise my authenticity).
Your insight into the balance between speaking up and staying silent is spot on. Navigating when to share and when to hold back can be tough, especially when you’re trying to honor both your own needs and the dynamics of your relationships.
It’s important to take care of yourself and find ways to reconnect with what makes you feel truly like yourself. Whether it’s through personal reflection, creative expression, or finding moments of genuine connection with those who do understand and appreciate your reality.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and reflections. You are welcome to share more specifically about the nature of the disconnection, if you feel comfortable about doing so, here, in a new thread, or in another digital platform, and you will find people with larger portions of the same, or very close to the same reality as yours.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Shinnen/ John: I don’t know how I missed your posts addressed to me on this thread until just now. I will read and reply tomorrow.
anita
anitaParticipantCorrection: the above post was sent 20 minutes following your most recent post, not 30 minutes..
anitaParticipantDear EvFran:
Here is a poem for you, sent 30 minutes following your most recent post which you addressed to me:
“When friends seem distant, doubts arise, / And trust begins to fray /
Know your strength and inner light/ Will guide you on your way/
The losses felt, the pain endured,/ Are echoes of the past/
Yet in your heart, resilience grows/ A strength that’s built to last/
Uncertainty may cloud your mind/ Confusion fills the air/
But truth and understanding come/ With patience, love, and care/
You’ve weathered storms, you’ve faced the night/ With courage, grace, and might/
And in the morning’s gentle glow/ You’ll find your path to light/
So take a breath, embrace the calm/ And let your spirit mend/
For in this journey, you will find/ New joys around each bend”-
It’s just that I wish you well, and I wish your uncle well, and your friend as well.
anita
anitaParticipant* before my body could handle… couldn’t brush my teeth
anitaParticipantDear Jana:
Thank you. I appreciate your sensitivity, this is indeed a painful topic and I feel some pain this very morning because of an event that happened last evening in real-life. I will elaborate on it later on, in this post.
“I can feel (and this is only my subjective feeling from the text) that you cannot leave her in your thoughts, let her go away from your life for good. Is it true?“- I used to think about her a lot. She used to be .. my center. For years now, I’ve been thinking about her very, very little. So, no, it’s not that I cannot leave her in my thoughts. What I can’t leave, because it’s impossible to leave/ undo/ reverse, is some of the damage she inflicted on me, with which I struggle.
I’ve suffered from Tourette Disorder since I was maybe 5 or 6 and have suffered from it every hour, every day of my entire life. Imagine feeling this physical tension in your body day in, day out, all day long, finding this or that muscle moving when you don’t want it to move, and the feeling is that of trying to stop the move (tic) and failing, so there’s a fight within/ tension. Imagine growing up being made fun of, because of these tics, feeling ashamed and wondering why I was such a freak of nature.
Although I tried my whole life, I wasn’t able to undo this disorder and there is no reason for me to believe that it is possible: my neurological-muscular connection has been irreversibly damaged. If you do a research, you will read that stopping tics for someone with Tourette’s is not possible.
So, although I left her in my thoughts, my neurological-muscular connection hasn’t and will not leave her. It was done and it can’t be undone.
More damage that was done and can’t be undone is ADD or ADHD as well as learning disabilities (often associated with Tourette’s), that although can be managed better and somewhat improved.. these too cannot be stopped/ be reversed.
Glad to report that my 30 years of OCD, in regard to physical compulsions, is over with (Yeah!) Also, I no longer fit the Major Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Anorexia I was diagnosed with over the years. Although I do.. obsessively count calories in- calories out every day. So, healing was done and continues to take place, for which I am grateful.
“with my lone wolf personality and tendencies to run away from bad people I would completely reject her and wouldn’t give her a space in my mind or heart“- this is an important point that I will be making here, and it is important for me that you understand, so please try.. Here it is: she inserted herself into my brain-body before I had the ability- and no child has this ability- to reject her/ protect myself. I don’t think about her, I suffer the consequences of what she did to me when I didn’t yet have a self separated from her.
I don’t think I ever shared this much as I do today with you (on a public forum, I know): parents damage their children, more often than I wish it happened.. I wish it never happened, but this one thing I am telling you, which I have never told anyone in my whole life: the extent of the damage, the extent of the physical discomfort (Tourette’s) and emotional pain (shame, guilt, acute loneliness, acute interpersonal/ social deprivation was so acute, so immense. that I don’t know how a person can still be alive after years of this.
There are certain books and movies that clicked with me, as in telling my story: Stolen Lives is one. The movie Awakening is another: people waking up at an older age from being catatonic for decades. The movie Seven, when the bad man said, as far as I remember, paraphrased: I am not allowing him (the character played by Brad Pit) to live, I am allowing him to live the life I allow him to live.
What happens to a child, to a little girl, when her mother finds pleasure in hurting and harming her little girl? When it’s not her ignorance alone, her lack of education, her limitations that hurt and harm her daughter, but her own desire to hurt and harm?
I don’t think that people normally understand this point, The Pleasure Factor of a mother hurting her daughter.
I am trying to weaken the power of this factor by expressing it here, by elaborating on it, if I may, more than I ever did (and I don’t even know what I am about to type next, trigger warning just in case it’s needed)-
– for her, I was not a child, I was an adult, a combination of all the adults that have hurt her. The name of her game was not parenting, but taking revenge, while appearing outwardly, like a good, kind person.
So, she’d be a great hostess for others, she’d buy me toys and my favorite cake, show me some affection.. until it came time for Revenge: acidic words thrown at my face, feasts thrown at my body, hitting, saying: “You think I am stupid? I will not break your bones so that evil-you you can get me in (legal) trouble!”
“You think I am stupid? You think that I don’t know that I am (doing) wrong? But what can you do? You have nowhere to go!”
In her two sentences above, there was no empathy, do not be mistaken: she was angry at me for thinking that I was thinking “my mother is stupid!“, which I was not thinking because all I was.. was terrified. But see, I have to explain myself right here, to defend myself from her accusation.
These experiences, right above, are not such that I am normally thinking about, it’s things I bring up (again) because I am trying to heal further.
“But I feel that she really hurt you so bad that it is very difficult to let her go. (?)“- it’s not about letting her go, it’s about me trying to heal from the damage she had caused me.
“When you faced her, how did you feel? Was it liberating?“- when I stopped her from hitting me (in my early 20s), it wasn’t liberating. I was upset, disappointed as I thought to myself: that’s all she got? This is all I had to do all these years to stop her from hitting me? It was that easy, and I didn’t do it?
“Did you ever tell her how you feel/felt about her?“- my last gift of mercy to her is to not let her know. If it’s at all possible for her to hold in awareness anything I say.
I will now tell you about last evening: I was at the local taproom. The server poured me a third glass of wine before my bod could handle it. Before I knew it, I drank it and .. I remember little of what happened next. I was told this morning that I became belligerent and used the F word repeatedly, something that I NEVER do, something I criticize others fordoing. I was mortified to hear it, couldn’t believe it. My ANGER, my decades-long suppressed anger erupted to the surface.
In more details: there was a competition for a gift basket that including some hats and whatnot. This guy won the basket, and I gave him a hard time, saying something like (I am paraphrasing from what I was told I said): I never get to win anything! Why don’t I get to be a winner at anything!!!
Next, the guy gave me one of the hats in the basket he won, and I said: So, now I am a F*** winner!”
Next, I was taken home feeling sick, closing my eyes, trying to not feel sicker than I was already feeling (this I remember). Next, I went straight to bed, couldn’t brus my teeth or change clothing or anything. Next, I woke up remembering nothing, wondering what happened, if anything..
And all the above, my post yesterday about my ANGER, it was part of what was to take place.. the anger, such a powerful emotion that is difficult for me to encounter, to address.. to.. what do I do with it, with this anger at having been mistreated sadistically, of my life stolen, all the years, decades of loneliness, uninterrupted acute loneliness and pain.
anita
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AuthorPosts
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 