Continued, Dear Reader:

I want to elaborate on my post of yesterday in this thread, and on a post I submitted less than an hour ago on another thread. My WHOLE life I felt heavily guilty, as in G.U.I.L.T.Y for feeling the way I felt. It seems to me now that dealing with a painful situation not caused by a parent while having the full validation and emotional support of a parent, would have been so much preferrable- in my life- than dealing with pain caused by my mother and having no validation and support.

Whenever I heard or read about the power of forgiveness, in regard to my mother’s words and action, I felt defensive, as if I was negatively criticized/ judged to be a bad daughter, a bad person for feeling anger at her.

I negatively criticized and judged myself for feeling angry at her.

Healing has to involve and include trusting my feelings of childhood as valid and understandable, rather than perceiving them to be a reason for and a target of criticism and invalidation.

I can tell that my feelings in regard to my mother are valid not solely because of the few memories I have of my childhood, but more so, because of the way I have treated myself- and others- ever since. I have kept expecting others to respond to me in the ways she responded to me: rejecting me, mocking me, insulting me, shaming me, heavily criticizing me for what I said, for what I didn’t say- and should have (said she); for what I did, for what I didn’t do; for what I felt which was expressed on my face, without words, for whatever she believed I felt, true or not.

I have been stuck in my healing process because of having internalized her severe criticism and invalidation and for expecting it from everyone else.

No doubt in my mind, that to get unstuck, I need to validate my own feelings and to no longer expect criticism, invalidation and emotional abuse from.. everyone. With some caution, I want to, I need to, trust other people.

There is no healing without emotional validation, without trusting my own feelings of childhood to be valid and understandable, given circumstances and events.

So, now I read (thank you, Shinnen) about the benefits of forgiving- without feeling criticized for my anger at my mother- and now, I can benefit from the suggestion. The anger will dissipate as I no longer invalidate my feelings, and as I no longer live in fear of her and her invalidation, as well as societal judgment.

I wrote yesterday: “I feel still imprisoned by my mother and by societal judgment“- I want to be free from this imprisonment: free to confidently stand behind my decision to (continue) to have no contact with her for the rest of my days.

Having suppressed the expressions of my anger at her, and my feelings severely invalidated and criticized, I had little to no access to my emotions as guides for my actions, and so, I lived a dysfunctional.. misguided life.

Changing course, on with Healing.

anita

Dear Jana:

Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. It’s comforting to know that my experiences and feelings are understood and validated here. Your support and understanding are invaluable, and I deeply appreciate them. I am grateful for the connection we share and the empathy we extend to each other.

It’s true that going through hardships alone is possible, but having understanding and validation from others makes a world of difference. It helps fill that “void” and brings a sense of belonging and comfort.

You are a wonderful listener, and even though we can’t meet in person, I feel your understanding and encouragement through your words. It makes a big difference to know that someone is there, ready to hold my hand, even if it’s virtually.

I am also happy to hear that you are working on the Eightfold Path and that it helps you. It’s a reminder that we are all on this journey together, striving to find peace and wisdom.

Thank you again for your support and kind words. Sending you love and best wishes as we continue our paths.

anita

Dear Shinnen/ Reader:

Thank you for your thoughtful and compassionate response, Shinnen.  The following will be a long post aimed at.. “Healing” (the word in the title of this thread).

You referenced the Dhammapada, a significant text in Buddhist teachings, I want to understand it better:

“He reviled me; he injured me; he defeated me; he deprived me“- These lines describe various forms of harm and injustice experienced from others. The use of these specific actions emphasizes the ways people can wrong us.

“In those who do not harbor such grudges, anger eventually ceases.“- this part of the quote highlights a key teaching of Buddhism: it suggests if we can let go of these grudges—if we can release our anger and not hold onto the negative feelings—the anger we feel will eventually dissipate.

This teaching promotes the idea that clinging to negative emotions like anger and resentment only causes more suffering. This advice encourages us to cultivate a mindset that prioritizes inner peace over retribution or ongoing bitterness. Essentially, it’s about the transformative power of forgiveness and letting go.

I further read (and heard it before) that forgiving does not mean condoning harmful behaviors but rather freeing yourself from the burden of anger.

I further research about the burden of anger:

Long-term, chronic anger (because of the prolonged release of stress hormones) can increase the risk of heart disease, raise blood pressure, contribute to the hardening of arteries, weaken the immune system, cause or worsen digestive problems, lead to muscle tension and pain, contributing to headaches, back pain, and jaw tension. It can interfere with sleep patterns, causing insomnia or poor-quality sleep, which can further impact overall health.

Chronic anger keeps the body in a heightened state of stress, leading to feelings of anxiety and irritability, contributing to the development of mood disorders such as depression and anxiety. It can alienate loved ones and lead to social isolation, exacerbating feelings of loneliness and sadness.

Chronic anger can impair cognitive functions such as memory, attention, and decision-making skills, leading to a pattern of negative thinking and rumination, which perpetuate feelings of frustration and helplessness, and it reduces overall life satisfaction, negatively impacting mental, emotional and physical well-being.

More about it: many of the effects of chronic anger can be attributed to the long-term release of stress hormones into the bloodstream. When you experience anger or any other stressful emotion, your body activates the “fight-or-flight” response which involves the release of stress hormones, primarily cortisol and adrenaline (epinephrine), into the bloodstream. In the short term, these hormones prepare your body to deal with immediate threats by: Increasing Heart Rate: To pump more blood to muscles and vital organs, Elevating Blood Pressure: To improve blood flow and oxygen delivery, Releasing Glucose: To provide quick energy to the muscles, Suppressing Non-Essential Functions: Such as digestion and immune responses, to conserve energy for immediate action.

When the “fight-or-flight” response is activated repeatedly or prolonged due to chronic anger, the constant presence of stress hormones can lead to various adverse effects: high blood pressure, etc. (above).

My personal experience: even though I am not in contact with my mother for over 10 years, I still feel threatened by her. I still feel threatened by societal expectations and judgment of a daughter (of any age) who choose to have no contact with her mother. I feel still imprisoned by my mother and by societal judgment. So, the anger is still here, within me, it’s job: to protect me from a threat that I still experience.

I see, this Wed morning, that even though I am no longer in contact with her, the trauma persists, manifesting as a sense of ongoing threat, fear and anger. I still feel imprisoned by her influence (via societal judgment). I still have a deep-seated anxiety about potential in-person confrontation with her.

It’s challenging to let go of anger when the threat feels ever-present.

The anger I feel is compounded by the sense that my trauma has not been acknowledged or validated by family members. I did not receive any validation from family that I was indeed abused.

I have not yet sufficiently validated my own experience. This is why I keep telling about it, seeking long-needed validation. Validation, I read,  is a critical component of healing from abuse for several reasons: validation is acknowledging that the abuse did happen and that my feelings were/ are appropriate reactions to what I’ve been through. It affirms that my experiences are not imagined or exaggerated, which is crucial for rebuilding trust in my own perception. Validation from others help shift the blame from myself to the abuser, reinforcing that the abuse was not my fault, and that I deserve better treatment than what I received.

Validation creates a safe and supportive environment where I can express my feelings and experiences without fear of judgment or dismissal. This sense of safety is crucial for healing and rebuilding trust in others.

Being validated allows for emotional release and the processing of traumatic experiences. It helps one feel understood and supported, which is cathartic and empowering.

I will continue later.

anita