Dear Ben:

First, a note about personality disorders: I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) 13 years ago, a diagnosis that fit me since my beginning adulthood. Following therapy and a lot of work, I no longer fit the diagnosis (what a relief for me and the people in my life!). So, personality disorders are not permanent if you work on healing persistently and for some time.

The quotes I submitted to you 3 days ago (which appear in your reply italicized), are quotes from the ravive. com on Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD). It so happens that you and I have more in common than I previously thought: our mothers are similar. I know that my mother fit the PPD (as well as the BPD diagnosis), and her PPD led to me fitting some of the PPD diagnosis myself.

I am not a medical doctor, nor am I a health care professional of any kind, so I am not diagnosing you or your mother. Even if I was a professional, it would have been unprofessional of me to diagnose anyone online in the context here. But this does not mean that the information on personality disorders, information available to everyone, offered to everyone without preconditions (such as prefacing the information with this information is meant only for professionals). Therefore, it is okay for you and for me to responsibly use the information offered to all.

Living with my PPD-mother robbed me from the ability to trust people. She kept expressing to me her suspicions of other people (and of me, at different times), again and again, on and on. Growing up, I couldn’t maintain any friendship/ good feelings toward people because I was often angry at them for allegedly mistreating my mother. Her ongoing expressed suspiciousness/ PPD isolated me from her, from myself and from everyone else.

A PPD mother presents the world to her child as a very hostile world, betrayal of trust is just around the corner, a matter of time. No exception. How can one possibly have a trusting relationship in a world where trust does not exist..?

“… Frequently complaining – unfortunately a large number of people have told me I do this, including my boyfriend (where I think it extinguishes his very optimistic attitude and leaves him feeling almost depressed after ‘talking to me’– where sometimes it’s just me on a tirade against petty little things)“- the beginning of my healing was to Notice that I was just about to act (say or do something) based on my BPD tendencies, and then Pause, and most often, I would resist doing the damaging BPD behavior. I would feel the tendency, the need, the compulsion to (accuse a person of this or that, etc.) but I didn’t act on it. Over a long time of practicing this discipline, the compulsions weakened.

This can apply to you in this way: you feel like you are about to complain to your boyfriend, you Notice the feeling/ compulsion, and you put the compulsion on Pause. You don’t complain to him.

“For me this is 100%, I am guarded with him… almost mocking his commitment to me… it’s nearly everyday a ‘joke’ reminding him of his past errors“- reminding him of his past errors, real or imagined, is also a compulsion that you can put on Pause.

“Knowing this, I wish I could let some of it go, but how?…When it was just me it was fine but I can’t treat someone I’m in a relationship with this way – especially how I am now, acting as if it’s his problem!“-

– it’s not your fault that you grew up with a PPD-ed mother any more than it is my fault that I was brought into the world through a PPD-ed mother. Yet, it is our personal responsibility to heal, best we can, for our ow sake  and for the sake of the people who deserve better from us.

As I close this post, I am very curious about what you think and feel about all this, hoping that although it’s difficult to process (?) it gives you hope..?

anita

Dear Cosmo:

You shared that you cheated a few times on your now ex-girlfriend. She knew about a few of the cheatings and forgave you, but then you cheated again and told her about it, so to “come clean as I believe she needs to make informed decision“. During the no-contact period that followed, she decided to break up with you. You suspect that she broke up with you because she may have “heard about the rumors” during the no-contact, and that your ex shared about your cheating on social media.

You feel “guilt, shame, remorse, sad“. You saw a psychologist about your feelings and she told you that your cheating is “a behavioral problem” that she doesn’t see that you have deeper issues that need to be addressed, suggested that an open relationship might be the solution to this behavioral problem, and therefore, she saw no need for a second session.

Before I suggest anything, I’d like to ask you: do you believe that (as I understand the psychologist suggested) you cheated on your girlfriend because you are not suited for a monogamous relationship, similarly to other male mammals who, in nature, and by nature, are not monogamous?

anita

Dear anonymous:

The last 4 sentences of your original post: “I wrote this last night and suddenly slept. This morning the moment I woke up I was disappointed that I was alive and thought ending my pain. Then I hear my child waking up and calling me. Oh! life…“-

– the answers are all in your words right above: (1) Express yourself, just as you did in your original post,  let out your emotions, type them out on the computer screen. You suddenly slept after expressing yourself the night you typed your original post, good thing. Keep doing what works,

(2) Your child waking up is a new life waking up, calling you, getting your attention; find new life within you and attend to it. I will soon elaborate on this point.

The title of your thread is “Oh! Life you are complicated“. Let’s simplify life, not over-simplify it, but just enough to be realistic and somewhat hopeful.

“Hatred, deception, and hypocrisy are the qualities to survive in this world and unfortunately, I do not have them…How can we say life is beautiful when all we see, and experience is cruelty and hatred“- there is indeed a huge void in this world, a void of peace, of mildness, of kindness. And we are all (the hating and the hated, the deceiving and the deceived) on the same boat of destruction.

“Morning is the worst time, and the moment I wake up, I am instantly grappled by feeling of despair, fear, helplessness, and void… As I grew up, I faced incidences of bullying. I was not able to confront them…  I was not able to stand for myself…  On one occasion, I was badly beaten by a classmate… I was helpless and got into shock“- the void-within: too scared to stand up for yourself, not being able to help yourself (aka helplessness).

“Another instance… He abused her in front of me and others, and I just became a shameless observant… I still see it in my dreams, becoming helpless“- the void-within: too scared to stand up for and help the abused.

“I just became a shameless observant… I was not able to face them. I still see it in my dreams, becoming helpless and have a guilt about it“-

– shame and guilt are huge contributors to your helplessness and despair. You were not shameless when you passively observed the abuse done to your classmate; you were scared, a scared observant. You’d have to peel the shame and guilt off the fear, so to heal as much as it is possible for you to heal.

You’ll need to replace the shame and guilt with empathy for the scared boy within you.

Once you do that, the scared boy within you will be less scared, and courage will be the new life within you, which I mentioned above. Courage will replace helplessness.

“There were occasions when he (your father) expressed his deep love… One day before his death he called me multiple times, but I was busy at work and was unable to take it and thought I would call him tomorrow. It never came and he passed next day. His death has tremendously impacted me, created a void, and I feel guilty about it“-

– there were many, many occasions when you expressed your deep love for your father. Your love for him motivated you to study and work as hard as you did, so to meet his expectations. You weren’t with him that one day when  he passed, but you loved him all the days of your life.

“I think I was never programmed to stay happy. I live in constant fear that something bad will happen. I ruminate through the past..“- your brain is in the habit, by this point, of feeling anxious and depressed. Reading my reply.. reading anything.. will not change the chemical habits of your brain, (chemicals that create your emotional experience). It will take replacing the old chemical/ mental habit with a new habit. New activities within your daily routine are needed, ex.: exercise, guided meditations, a Tai-Chi class, yoga and a daily practice of Mindfulness.

I would like to communicate with you further..

anita

Dear ManagoFandango:

You are welcome, and thank you!

Regarding unions in  Eastern Europe, I read in iza world of labor (I am adding what’s in parentheses): “The economies of the CEE (Central-Eastern Europe) countries experienced substantial declines in trade union membership in the aftermath of the economic transition of the late 1980s and the early 1990s. The decline in union density that occurred in these countries between the early 1990s and 20012/ 2013 was much steeper than the de-unionization that took place in Western Europe and the US during that period…

“These trends mirror the transition from systems in which union membership was largely compulsory, to the neoliberal (favoring policies that promote free market capitalism, deregulation, and reduction in government spending) models most CEE countries adopted… Industrial relations (the relations between management and workers in industry) in CEE are largely decentralized and fragmented, with collective bargaining taking place mainly at the local or firm level”-

– reads to me that if you don’t have someone within your workplace to help you.. your only option would be to do your best to help yourself.

“Today she came to me with a request that also wasn’t in my job description that I  ignored. (I just didn’t pick up the phone.) I felt very bad as she was all sweet today, and I thought to myself.. was I imagining things? Does she just consider me as a friend and that’s why she asks for favours? But I have to remember that the cycle will start again, when I expect it the least“- expect it then, don’t be manipulated by her sweetness. It can be tempted to feel safe in the appearance of her sweetness and friendliness, but better not be deceived.

Psychology today/ 9 classic strategies of manipulative people: “manipulative people have mastered the art of deception. They may appear respectable and sincere but often that’s just a facade… They will attempt to confuse you, maybe even making you feel as if you’re crazy. They distort the truth and may resort to lying if it serves their end… Manipulative people can play the victim, making you seem to be the one who caused a problem which they began but won’t take responsibility for. They can be passive-aggressive or nice one minute and standoffish the next, to keep you guessing and to prey on your fears and insecurities”- reads familiar to you?

anita

* Editing the very last paragraph:

rock solid faith: “If a spouse is unfaithful, the Bible teaches that they can ask God for forgiveness, and He will forgive them“- not that B is a spouse, but nonetheless, she can ask God to forgive her.

Learn from the experience, correct the behaviors on your part that need to be corrected, and forgive yourself.

anita

Dear ManagoFandango:

Welcome back to the forums!

“this thing consumes me almost every day, I keep obsessing over it and overthink what to say and what to do. So, I got this job 3 years ago, when I first got it, I found a coworker, let’s call her B.  that was at first nice to me, and she helped me settle in.. After 2 years she got promoted, but she wasn’t my boss, she just had a higher position than me… she keeps asking me in the morning to buy her cigarettes (she did this more that 10 times), food or something, and sometimes doesn’t pay me back… She asks me to do things that are not my job… When I refuse she is passive-aggressive and treats me poorly like favouring other employees“-

What you describe reads like a Workplace Bullying situation.

healthline/ what is workplace bullying?: “Workplace bullying is harmful, targeted behavior that happens at work. It might be spiteful, offensive, mocking, or intimidating. It forms a pattern, and it tends to be directed at one person or a few people… According to the Workplace Bullying Institute, more than 60 million working people in the United States are affected by bullying. Existing federal and state laws only protect workers against bullying when it involves physical harm or when the target belongs to a protected group, such as people living with disabilities or people of color. Since bullying is often verbal or psychological in nature, it may not always be visible to others…

“According to 2017 research from the Workplace Bullying Institute: * About 70 percent of bullies are male, and about 30 percent are female. * Both male and female bullies are more likely to target women. *Sixty-one percent of bullying comes from bosses or supervisors. Thirty-three percent comes from co-workers. The remaining 6 percent occurs when people at lower employment levels bully their supervisors or others above them…

“Bullying from managers might involve abuse of power, including negative performance reviews that aren’t justified, shouting or threats of firing or demotion, or denying time off or transfer to another department. People working at the same level often bully through gossip, work sabotage, or criticism. Bullying can occur between people who work closely together, but it also happens across departments. People who work in different departments may be more likely to bully through email or by spreading rumors. Lower level employees can bully those working above them. For example, someone might: * show continued disrespect to their manager * refuse to complete tasks * spread rumors about the manager * do things to make their manager seem incompetent.

“According to 2014 research from the Workplace Bullying Institute, people believed that targets of bullying were more likely to be kind, compassionate, cooperative, and agreeable…

“When experiencing bullying, it’s common to feel powerless and unable to do anything to stop it. If you try to stand up to the bully, you may be threatened or told no one will believe you. If it’s your manager bullying you, you may wonder who to tell. First, take a moment to remind yourself that bullying is never your fault, regardless of what triggered it. Even if someone bullies you by making it seem like you can’t do your job, bullying is more about power and control, not your work ability.

“Begin to take action against bullying with these steps: * Document the bullying. Keep track of all bullying actions in writing. Note the date, the time, where the bullying took place, and other people who were in the room. * Save physical evidence. Keep any threatening notes, comments, or emails you receive, even if they’re unsigned. If there are documents that can help prove bullying, such as denied PTO requests, overly harsh commentary on assigned work, and so on, keep these in a safe place. * Report the bullying. Your workplace may have a designated person you can talk to if you don’t feel safe talking to your direct supervisor. Human resources is a good place to start. It’s also possible to talk about the bullying with someone higher up if your supervisor is unhelpful or is the person doing the bullying. * Confront the bully. If you know who’s bullying you, bring along a trusted witness, such as a co-worker or supervisor, and ask them to stop — if you feel comfortable doing so. Be calm, direct, and polite. * Review work policies. Your employee handbook may outline steps of action or policies against bullying. Also consider reviewing state or even federal policies about the type of bullying you’re experiencing. * Seek legal guidance. Consider talking to a lawyer, depending on the circumstances of the bullying. Legal action may not always be possible, but a lawyer can offer specific advice. * Reach out to others. Co-workers may be able to offer support. Talking to your loved ones about the bullying can also help. You can also talk to a therapist. They can provide professional support and help you explore ways to cope with the effects of bullying while you take other action. If you’re a member of a union, your union representative may be able to offer some guidance and support on how to deal with bullying. You can also look into your employer’s employee assistance program, if they have one. EAPs help you access resources to address a variety of issues that can affect your mental health and overall well-being.

Back to your original post: “Going to my boss or HR I don’t think is an option as they are buddies, but I just can’t deal with this anymore. I feel like I always cross my own boundaries and resent myself for that.  Maybe there’s another way that I don’t see and you can help me with that“- maybe something inn the resource I quoted can help you.

very well mind/ signs and effects of workplace bullying and healthline/ workplace bullying, how to take action are two other resources. Wikipedia has a long entry on the topic with reference to different countries. I am sure that you can research resources in the country where you live.

You described a very difficult situation, which is not good for your physical and mental health. I hope things improve for you, by a lot!

anita