Dear SadSoul:

“I don’t think any points are earned for dramatic performances, the most valuable things are said quietly and thoughtfully.. few words said quietly“- excellent point, a wise point, thank you for it!

“Unfortunately words often desert me but on the odd occasion they come with the greatest of ease“- I hope that both of us talk with greater and greater ease.

“Mostly it involves keeping one’s self out of harm’s way… it’s not always essential to tell people. Unless the person is in your life a lot, and you can’t avoid them, and you can’t find a way to put their stupidity out of your personal bubble, then you have to speak!“- another excellent point, Wise Soul!

“I love your poem. You are good, don’t have a broken heart anymore, that woman wasn’t a mother, she was a monster… children need… love, respect, food, clothing, a roof over their head“- I like the order in your list of a child’s needs: first, love and respect.

“I wish I could scoop little Anita up and whisk her away. Give her the calm acceptance, the acknowledgement and support, and the love and praise she deserved…“- scooped and whisked away, I would have been tic-less, and so much of my life wouldn’t have been wasted in anxiety, depression, despair, and the feeling of having no say, no power whatsoever, over what happens to me by outside forces, all more powerful than me.

I can .. smell my progress in taking on power, ethically, in real-life situations such as the recent one. Not yet there, but I can see there from here.

I hope that you are feeling okay this Friday/ weekend.

anita

Dear Antarkala:

* I am making this comment some time into typing this post, as I realize that this is likely going to be difficult/ distressing for you to read. Please feel comfortable to read, or not to read at any point along the way.

“Recently he came to visit me and I was in a very better place but when we went on a drive and he was sooo silent over the duration of the drive, it pissed me off and triggered my anxiety and overthinking... My thoughts when he was silent – ‘why is he so silent‘, ‘how can he be so silent‘…’– it is embarrassing to open up and share that I get these thoughts but I do. I hate it too”.

“My relationships mostly ended because I felt I was the one always giving and initiating things and ultimately feeling that the other person probably did not care enough… most prominent behavior was not being ready for commitment, not being open about the relationship and hiding it, not caring, not making any plans to do things or spend time unless I do, just not fighting with me, not trying to make it work when things started falling apart.”

As I often say, Antarkala, when we have disturbing childhoods, the disturbance (being pissed off, anxious, overthinking) persists through our adulthoods, unless and until it is adequately addressed and worked through in the context of psychotherapy.

When your father criticized you, when he, and your grandparents, expressed so much pride about everything your brother did (in your presence), but treated you like you are nothing (your words from previous posts), that disturbed you a lot. When you told your mother about it, she didn’t tell you that the problem was with the way you were treated, but with you being too sensitive: “She just in general says I am too sensitive and overreact to things“.

Let’s pause here to understand this better: objectively, it is wrong for a parent or a grandparent (or anyone) to treat one child like a Nothing, and another child (in the presence of the first) like an Everything: it terribly hurts and disturbs the first child. When the first child reacts to the situation with hurt or anger, the child is not too sensitive, or too reactive. It really hurts, it really infuriates.

When your mother said that you were too sensitive, and saying it repeatedly over the years, and as she did not fix the situation (standing up for you and making sure that your father and grandparents corrected their behavior and treated you and your brother with equal respect), what happened to the disturbance inside you, the hurt, the anger? It kept vibrating through you whenever you observed how well your brother was treated, and you were not.

When your mother did not validate your disturbance and did not fix the situation that disturbed you, day in and day out, year after year, it was like she was silent. She didn’t make a noise (speaking up for you and telling your father and grandparents to treat you same as they treat your brother). It pissed you off. Fast forward, your boyfriend was silent during the drive, and it pissed you off.

She was silent about your problems with your father and grandparents (criticizing you and treating your brother so differently) but she was loud about her problems with the same people, your father and grandparents. Your mother did not speak up or stand up for you, so to help you; but you stood up for her, so to help her: “She shares everything with me. I started supporting her as I grew up and pushing her to stand up for herself and even stood up against my dad and my grandparents demanding she should be treated better“.

You see the inequality here? You did not tell her that she is too sensitive, that she is overreactive. Instead, you validated her and initiated a real-life action to correct her situation, and resolve her disturbance. She did not reciprocate.

No wonder your anger at her: “I once remember during an argument I threw a glass of water at my mother’s face in front of my whole extended family“.

I think that what triggers your anger, anxiety and overthinking in the context of romantic relationships is the inequality I mentioned above. You expressed this inequality theme in your first, original post on March 23: “Especially in social situations… I put in most of the energy to keep conversations going… I told him I would appreciate it if he could be friendly to my friends“, and in your most recent post, May 17:  “I am the one who should always initiate conversations..  he is not helping me to keep the energy of the group up…. he is not making a good impression of himself near my friends‘, ‘he is not making an effort to be nice to my friends… I felt I was the one always giving and initiating things and ultimately feeling that the other person probably did not care enough“- you are re-experiencing, as I see it, your hurtful and infuriating experience of childhood/ growing up: you cared so much about your mother that you initiated and did the work required (standing up for her in front of your father and grandparents), but she did not care enough to do the same for you.

Only your adult situations in the romantic context are objectively not at all similar to your childhood situation. Your boyfriend during the drive was silent, not because he didn’t care enough, seems to me. His silence triggered your pre-existing agitation.

You wrote yesterday: “I am planning to take a break from my relationship, take some space and work on myself, try to get in touch with myself“- reads to me like a good idea.

anita

Dear Robbie:

I didn’t yet read much from your first thread, and will tomorrow morning. But I had a few thoughts earlier today about your nostalgia, about you being in location A (ex., Poland) and seeing the grass as greener in location B (Spain). You go to B and miss A. You then arrange to go back to A, and already regret it before even leaving B.

In June 8, 2018, you shared that about school, “I just wanted time to pass“. About waiting for your parents at their workplace: “I was basically waiting. idling. (well… I’m not so surprised not that much changed now)“- lots of waiting, putting your life on hold until time and circumstance are favorable to really live.

Seems like you have been looking for the right time, the right place, the right circumstance to .. sort of catch up with life, to close the waiting/ idling gap.

What you missed growing up while waiting and idling.. what I missed growing up anxious and depressed, I cannot get back no matter the time, place and circumstance, because I can never again be a real-life child with the hopes and dreams only children have; the glorious, magical kind of make-believe ideas children experience.

It may be, Robi, that you are attached to those glorious, magical kind of make-believe life children believe in, because this part was put on hold while you waited, idling, as a child and teenager. It may be that the green on the other side (another location in the world, another time, another circumstance) can never be the green you had in mind while waiting and waiting. Not in location A, or B, or C.

Back to you tomorrow.

anita

Dear Alex:

You are welcome, and thank you for your appreciation!

This is my 3rd reply to you. I think that you missed my 1st, where I summarized what you shared in your original post and offered you my thoughts about what you asked.  I am copying and pasting it here:

Dear Alex: You shared that 7 months ago, when you (47), first met your girlfriend (52), she asked you: is sex important to you? You answered: yes, what about you?, and she answered: “I’ve had so much and I’ve been so lucky to have such great sex, that I don’t care anymore“. After spending a lot of time together for about 4.5 months, you moved in together. During your 2.5 months of living together, when you have sex, “it is truly outstanding“, and she “seems very invested emotionally and sometimes she mentions getting married“. But  “she still occasionally mentions all the great sex she’s had, and her sex drive is not the same anymore, so she doesn’t care“. You have let her know that you “find it disrespectful and hurtful” that she talks about her past sex life, yet she keeps talking about it, which leads to “a lot of emotional turmoil and arguments“.

“I am confused… why does she keep bringing it up?… or she doesn’t think we are sexually compatible/doesn’t think of me as a ‘great sex’ partner, why keep mentioning your past with other people“-

– first, indeed it is hurtful and disrespectful for a romantic partner to talk about their .. allegedly glowing past sex-life with past partners, and after you told her, and repeatedly, that you feel hurt and disrespected by it. I would say that at this point, it is emotionally abusive on her part.

Why does she keep bringing it up? Possibly, she is disturbed by her aging, getting close to menopause, feeling less attractive, and she proceeds to brag about her past sex life, so to over compensating for her lowered sexual confidence. Maybe she is afraid that you will eventually reject her because she is getting older, so she’s trying to lower your sexual confidence, so to prevent you from leaving her. Maybe she is a very impulsive person who can’t control the content of her talk.

Did you ask her why she is doing this (I imagine you did), what did she say in response?

“How am I expected to respond to this if I value her but I also value my mental health?“- you value her, but she needs to value your mental health. If she doesn’t.. you are in a bad relationship.   (end of first reply).

In your most recent post, you brought up your male ego (“Maybe my ego is bigger than normal. Maybe I’m the one that needs help“), but there is a much bigger problem than how your male ego feels about living with a women with an extensive sexual past. The much bigger problem is that she’s been telling you about her sexual past again, and again, after you told her that it hurts you and that you feel disrespected when she does.

“It’s the disrespect and deliberate attempt to hurt me that I can’t get past“- you are living with a woman who deliberately attempts to hurt you, deliberately and repeatedly. Are you aware of the gravity of the bigger problem, which you stated in this sentence?

Earlier you wrote: ” maybe she is using it to have control over the relationship or has some sadism or narcissistic tendencies“- sadism… meaning you believe that she derives pleasure from seeing you hurt when she tells you about how wonderful sex was for her with other men?

anita

Dear Robi:

It will soon be 10 pm in Alicante. I am guessing you are not asleep yet. I read your recent post and there is so much in it,  that I indeed need a few hours to re-read and think before I can submit a reply to you. It is early afternoon here, and I will need to get back to you tomorrow morning (my time). For now, my thoughts about going back to the beautiful country side where you grew up, the beautiful hills and forests, the twisted road, the neighbors’ fresh eggs and home-made cheese.. I can feel your nostalgia as if it was my own, and I feel like saying: yes! Go back there!

“I don’t want to keep running away from the place that wounded me. The place hasn’t done a thing to me anyways“- it’s not the place that wounded you, but if you go back to the place where the people who wounded you are still living, back to living with them, then.. the beautiful hills and forests, and fresh eggs and cheese will do you as much good as they did for you back then, when you were growing up.

– More tomorrow.

anita

Dear Alex:

You shared that 7 months ago, when you (47), first met your girlfriend (52), she asked you: is sex important to you? You answered: yes, what about you?, and she answered: “I’ve had so much and I’ve been so lucky to have such great sex, that I don’t care anymore“. After spending a lot of time together for about 4.5 months, you moved in together. During your 2.5 months of living together, when you have sex, “it is truly outstanding“, and she “seems very invested emotionally and sometimes she mentions getting married“. But  “she still occasionally mentions all the great sex she’s had, and her sex drive is not the same anymore, so she doesn’t care“. You have let her know that you “find it disrespectful and hurtful” that she talks about her past sex life, yet she keeps talking about it, which leads to “a lot of emotional turmoil and arguments“.

“I am confused… why does she keep bringing it up?… or she doesn’t think we are sexually compatible/doesn’t think of me as a ‘great sex’ partner, why keep mentioning your past with other people“-

– first, indeed it is hurtful and disrespectful for a romantic partner to talk about their .. allegedly glowing past sex-life with past partners, and after you told her, and repeatedly, that you feel hurt and disrespected by it. I would say that at this point, it is emotionally abusive on her part.

Why does she keep bringing it up? Possibly, she is disturbed by her aging, getting close to menopause, feeling less attractive, and she proceeds to brag about her past sex life, so to over compensating for her lowered sexual confidence. Maybe she is afraid that you will eventually reject her because she is getting older, so she’s trying to lower your sexual confidence, so to prevent you from leaving her. Maybe she is a very impulsive person who can’t control the content of her talk.

Did you ask her why she is doing this (I imagine you did), what did she say in response?

“How am I expected to respond to this if I value her but I also value my mental health?“- you value her, but she needs to value your mental health. If she doesn’t.. you are in a bad relationship.

anita

Re-submitted:

Dear Nichole:

* I just re-read my last post to you, from May 8: I wrote: “Treat yourself. Always.”, I meant: Treat yourself kindly. Always.”

And now, to your today’s post: “Still holding up on the boundaries“- good thing, that’s being kind to yourself.

“My brother has been very sweet with letting me know how much he missed me in their life. He says I am so rare and such a good person and he wants to always be in my life. Very endearing. But… my brother can have manipulative ways. He has even admitted it and says he is working on being more empathetic and putting himself in others shoes. I can tell he is working on it… I am just confused. Like did I do the right thing allowing them back in my life? I know ultimately I control how much. I hear and a lot of people in the healing community talk about not going back to those who showed who they were etc. Even Biblical quotes but then also hear the contradiction of love your family. I just have that jiggling in my head“-

– I went back to your 2018 thread where you shared about your older brother (I’ll refer to him here as OB) to get a better sense of him in relation to you. Today, you wrote about OB: “(He) says he is working on being more empathetic and putting himself in others shoes“. On Dec 7, 2018, you wrote about yourself: “The problem I have is I have too much empathy. I put myself in her shoes“. This is an important distinction: OB has to little empathy, you have too much of it. (It is not surprising to me because siblings in dysfunctional families often do take opposite roles).

The next sentence you wrote back then, in the same post was: “I am currently suffering from self hate, self shame“. Connecting this to your current dilemma, I’d say that if your current contact with OB causes you any amount of self-hate, or self-shame then end the contact.

Still, in the same post, you shared in regard to OB: “ I was sexually abused by my brother. I would say from what I remember ages 5-13. And I have kept it inside all these years. I’m just now learning to validate myself for what I went through. It was never a forceful thing it was a manipulation… I have often considered my brother and I to be close after the abuse and as an adult. He can be kind and we have both given each other great life advice. But at this point in my life I am very distant with him as I am feeling the pain of what he did to me. I am angry with myself for keeping a good relationship with him and honestly trying to ‘please’ him and his fiancé for the last 9 years… I am so fed up with abuse… when I stand up for myself with these people, my mind plays games with me and I start finding ways to empathize for what they did to me. And I almost wish they were back in my life. It’s like I can’t trust my mind to establish what is ok and what is not“- what this means to me is that OB was supposed to fully acknowledge what he did to you, and express sincere regret before (and if) you were to have any relationship with him after the abuse. Also, I can see here his history of manipulation. As well as your history of feeling empathy for him and trying to please him.

Six days later, on Dec 13, 2018, you shared: “I am still having trouble finding out where the love was or is… I have been pleasing people in hopes that they would love me. It such a hard reality to think I have been self hating and shaming for years. Its hard to realize I have been mainly abused and manipulated my whole life…  It is so hard to start having boundaries and learning myself and how to start even being a ‘self’. My life up until now has always been lived for others. I have always helped my family… I am just afraid in life, I don’t want to continue on with same old patterns. I want to learn to love myself and make a life… there are days like today where I wake up with no confidence and my codependency habits are flaring“- again, my points are: (1) there shouldn’t be a relationship between you and OB if he didn’t yet fully acknowledge his years-long abuse of you, and expressed sincere regret for what he has done to you, (2) if contact with him (before or after him fully acknowledging the abuse, etc.) causes you shame and self-hate, there should be no contact. I will add that you’ve been doing very well since you left Chicago and moved back to Florida on your own. Be careful with the “same old pattern.. codependency habits” you mentioned in the quote above.

“It’s like I can’t trust my mind to establish what is ok and what is not” (12/7/2018) “I am just confused. Like did I do the right thing allowing them back in my life?.. Biblical quotes” (5/16/2024)-

Romans 12: “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect… Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor… Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’ To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”-

– What the above.. Personal and World Peace Recipe means to me, when it comes to your personal search, as a Christian, for clarity about “what is ok and what is not… (what is) the right thing“, is that the right thing to do is (as the quote above says) “Outdo one another in showing honor… Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all“-

– Gracefully, give OB the opportunity to be honorable and fully acknowledge and repent for his years-long abuse of his sister by (1) bringing this up to him (in writing/ email, if it’s too difficult to do on the phone, or in-person), and (2) by not people-pleasing him before he fully acknowledged and repented. When you give him your empathetic time and kindness while he is not yet honorable (let’s say he made comments indirectly suggesting regret, but did not fully acknowledge and repented), he is less likely to be motivated to do what is honorable, and fully acknowledge and repent.

Gracefully confronting him with the truth, and not people-pleasing him, does not mean repaying evil for evil. It means to not be conformed to this world (this world of neglected honor), but be transformed by the renewal of your mind (the renewal of love and honor for yourself, and for OB- by giving him the opportunity to love and honor you and others).

Notice, it says Outdo one another in showing honor, outdo one another not in showing indiscriminate approval and affection, but in showing honor: civility, esteem, honesty, integrity, modesty, respect, and responsibility to all.

Back to your post of 2.5 hours ago: “Thank you for that complement Anita! Saying I am most deserving of my gift“- you are very welcome, you do deserve good things!

anita