Dear Kshitij: I will read and reply in about 15 hours from now.

anita

Dear Alex:

“She’s admitted to have tried casual sex but finds its gross and empty“- and yet, for 20 years she’s been directing gross and empty (porn, the epitome of casual sex).

“It’s some kind of paradox“- it is, isn’t it.

“When we are in a good place, she is super nice to me and says things like I have such a calming effect on her and that I’m so good for her. But all my goodness got away at daybreak when she switches her focus on work”-maybe she should have a career change, from the gross and empty to something she values. Maybe she’ll then feel better about herself, about you, and about life.

anita

Dear Alex:

I am trying to understand better, therefore I ask:

“She decided to be independent and make her own money and use men for sex as disposable goods. She is not capable of casual sex“- if she has been using men for sex, using men as disposable goods, how is it that she lacks the capacity to have casual sex?

“she is constantly critical of me, snaps at me, has a very foul mouth and calls me a loser, lame, coward etc. over minor conflicts“- I am sorry to read this.

Yesterday you shared: “I experienced divine love and joy and hope because of her“-

– where is the divine love when she is constantly critical of you, snaps at you, and has a very foul mouth?

“5. This is what I want. It’s like my prayer to god today. I’d like us to go to therapy and be honest…  Promise to be kind to each other, stop talking about our past to attack each other or hurt each other“- this would be wonderful, honest and kind.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“I wish I had words I could say to help with your healing. Just know I’m reading, I’m listening, and you’re doing great. Even if it feels the opposite, you are getting it out, finding the words, and feeling the confused emotions that go with them. You’re doing so good“- you have the words, right here, all boldfaced. Thank you.

“I wish I had the words to help.. I’m listening… You’re doing so good“- to have had a mother who didn’t harm me, but one who offered to help me, a mother who was listening to me, a mother who told me that I was doing so good.. where would I be now..? Who would I be now?

Healing is about becoming- as I approach the ending of my life-  who I would have been at the beginning, if I received help instead of harm. The waste of decades of life is tragic, but far from being unique to me. It’s everywhere, every day, for many millions of people, to one extent or another. It is the rule, not the exception to the rule.

“I went on my dangerous sporting outing and things went badly. I didn’t get hurt but there was much potential for that to happen. When it goes badly… I go to the deepest place of failure and devastation… I keep doing my dangerous sport because it forces me… to be in control.. (to have) the courage and the energy to be… to find a place of confidence, be proactive, know my mind instantly instead of being indecisive.. I rise to the occasion… confident and strong.“- of course, I am glad you didn’t get hurt (as I run different scenarios in my mind of what this dangerous sport is about).

What I understand you saying in this paragraph is that it is and has been difficult for you (outside your dangerous sporting outings), to feel and be (in alphabetic order): confident, courageous, decisive, energetic, in control, proactive, and strong. As I meditated on these adjectives for a moment, I felt a mental thirst for these, wanting these for myself, every day, as a way of living.

Exactly 2 months ago, March 19, you wrote about the younger generations: “we don’t go hunting and slaying any more… It looks a bit like their rights of passage into adulthood are more emotional than physical“- three thoughts occurred to me: your extreme sport being your version of hunting and slaying, your extreme sport being your personal rite of passage (“rites of passage are ceremonies that mark a significant change in a person’s life.. a rite of passage marks the transition from one stage of life to another”, online), and what if you and I, in our every day lives, fully transition to CCDEIPS (Confident… Strong) living?

Still on March 19 you wrote: “That’s me, always trying to do the right thing, always ending up in a huge emotional hurt mess“- I am thinking of the right thing being CCDEIPS living,  every day.

Exactly a month ago, April 19, you wrote: “Occasionally I wonder if having children was a mistake. If I’ve passed on the cycle of abuse somehow. I’ve read that a mother’s emotional state affects the foetus. I’ve read abuse affects DNA in bad ways. That is true the sins of the parents being passed onto however many generations“-

– what if you and I have the Courage to rise above Guilt in our every day lives, have a rite of passage from Guilt to CCDEIPS?

We indeed live in a world where abuse is passed on from one generation to the next, and it happens in every family, everywhere in the world. It is passed on, as you mentioned a month ago, genetically and in the womb, and I say, it happens onward, in one way or another, to one extent or another.

Determined to do our very best going forward to not pass on abuse to other people (to do no harm), can we give ourselves the permission, in our separate lives, to no longer submit to guilt and its companions (fearfulness, indecisiveness, reactiveness, weakness), and instead rise above and have our personal rites of passage?

anita

Dear Kshitij:

Today is exactly 3 months since your original post of Feb 18. I am re-reading your posts to see if I can add anything that maybe, maybe will be of some help to you.

“I made significant recovery in my physical health by the end of 2022… But, when the scholarship issue came, it shattered me… I began feeling that just when things started to become better, they went for worse… I began to think that its pointless to keep hopes…” (Feb 19)-  you made significant recovery, experienced personal success in regard to your physical and mental health recovery, had some hope for continued success, but when the scholarship crisis happened, you lost that hope and became hopeless, believing that you are doomed to No Success aka Failure (so why try..)

In this belief there is the unrealistic expectation that once success is achieved, it will continue for a long time, maybe forever; no more significant setbacks or challenges.

“I felt that no matter how much I tried, things would always get worse” (Feb 19)- this belief is in the core of the problem.

“When I would use to think as a child that everything is aright between me and him, there used to come another ‘sermon’ or an incident of his bad treatment“(April 18, exactly a month ago)- this is the basis of your belief that you can’t succeed, that you are doomed to failure: you tried to get your father to approve of you, to like you, and you failed again, and again and again, no matter how hard you tried for years!

It is true that you failed to get him to approve of you, but it was a situation where you had zero chances of success because he projected his father into you very early on.

Imagine you try to pick up, not a small rock, but a whole mountain: zero chances of success. A mountain is too big and heavy for any person to pick up. Now imagine, after failing to pick up a mountain, you decide that you will fail at anything and everything you do in life..?!

Q: Is picking up a mountain comparable to getting your father to like you? A: Yes, because your father has never seen you when he looked at you. He was seeing his father all along, and he’s very angry at his father.

When you tried to get your father to like you, you were (unknowingly) trying to get him to like his own father: zero chances of success.

His criticisms of you were his criticisms of his father. He didn’t see you; he saw his father. He placed the wrong mirror in front of you, showing you a reflection of someone else. Please look in a real mirror, and see yourself as you really are, approvable, likeable, a good person who can succeed in spite of setbacks and challenges, such that we all face.

anita

How are you, Lulu? (sorry for the double anita in the above post of a week ago, I just noticed).

anita (just one of me)