Dear Teni:

“Should I stay or end the relationship?“- if you stay in the relationship, he will be miserable, and you will be miserable. If you end the relationship, maybe you will find contentment elsewhere, alone and with someone else.

anita

Re-submitted:

Dear Kshitij:

“my intrusive thoughts add on to my difficulties… It is like a quagmire, all you need to put one foot over it and it will just swallow you in.“-

* Simplified, cognition = thinking, metacognition = thinking about thinking.

Today, I found out today (after reading a reply on the forums by Rosie) of a term called Cognitive Attentional Syndrome (CAS), and Metacognitive Therapy that goes along with it.

I read on the topic that CAS is an unhelpful style of thinking, a vicious cycle where one’s only focus is on one’s problems and the person feels worse as a consequence (the quagmire you mentioned yesterday). It’s about placing all of one’s attention on problems, overthinking pessimistically, and getting stuck. It’s a pattern of negative, pessimistic thoughts and painful emotions that the person can’t seem to let go of, a pattern that include rumination, worry and fixed attention.

The purpose  of Metacognitive Therapy is 1) to discover what the suffering person believes about his/ her thoughts (it’s called Metacognitive Beliefs), 2) to show the person how his / her beliefs lead to unhelpful responses that unintentionally prolong and worsen the suffering, and 3) to provide alternative ways of responding that allow a reduction of the suffering.

What do you think/ feel about the above, Kshitij?

anita

Dear Kshitij:

By ritual I meant routine, a bedtime routine, so that you do the same things at bedtime. Similar to suggesting a daytime routine earlier, it’s helpful for anxious people. I have my daily routine.

I wish no quagmires for you, Kshitij, a quagmire-free life, day and night.

anita

Dear peter:

We cannot see Eternity and Stillness with our temporal, temporary eyes. But we can see it with our.. spiritual, eternal eyes, and find comfort in it when sick, in pain, when faced with the death of one’s personal Time and Movement.

Practice the transfer now by breathing in Eternity and Stillness and breathing out Time and Movement- is what I will do today.

Thank you for this thread, Peter!

anita

Dear Mr. A:

You shared that for the last 3 years you tried to reduce your wife’s weight through “support, ultimatums, love, co-workouts, etc.“, but your efforts failed.

Your feelings about her weight and the repeated failed efforts: “a lot of anxiety, stress and resentment/ anger… My interest levels of physical intimacy are low“.

You thought about separating from her, but you “find it impossible to live alone (due to nature of work and life in Mumbai, India)“. You also “tried to let go off this weight issue saying that it is her control and not mine“, but you can’t, or won’t let it go.

Your goals: (1) to have a wife who looks and feels good, (2) to feel good yourself and to be more attracted to her sexually, (3) to have a healthy child, (4) to have a better social status, (5) to have a healthy wife: “I want her to look and feel good… I want to be more attracted towards her sexually… Help me become happier… I worry if she does get pregnant, then the child might not be healthy … not having a child, social status and her health issues (in future due to obesity) will affect me profoundly”.

You share that one of you is 33, the other 35, you work out 10-12 days a month, she does not like to exercise and does little of it. She tried Keto and IF (Intermittent Fasting), lost weight and gained it back. She says that “she isn’t able to lose weight due to lack of consistency and discipline“. All medical tests reveal that she is physically healthy, no abnormalities in test reports.

“I am asking you to take a look at this and suggest me what should I change or avoid or do differently to lead a life and achieve my life goals… Let me know your thoughts to deal with this!“-

I’ll start with feelings, with what you feel and with what your wife might be feeling: there is no such thing as good feeling (as in a morally correct/ acceptable feeling), and bad feelings (as in a morally incorrect/ unacceptable feeling). We don’t choose our feelings; therefore, there is no moral responsibility for what we feel. In yet other words: we are not good or bad people because of how we feel.

We are good or bad people because of what we choose to say and do (our spoken/ typed words and our actions). What we choose to focus on in life (our values) leads to our chosen words and actions.

Therefore, all that you are feeling on the topic of your wife’s weight is okay to feel. All that she is feeling is okay to feel.

Now, lets look at words and actions: first, the easy part- giving a person an Ultimatum when it comes to losing weight is the last thing that can be effective. If she loses weight because of an ultimatum, it will be a short-term loss, but her trust in you and in the marriage will be lost long-term. There need to be no ultimatums and no threats, no aggression at all.

Second, what may work is (more) Empathy: your empathy for her, and her empathy for you, since you are both suffering. I read about your suffering and (although I don’t know you irl), I feel badly that you are suffering and I wish that you will feel much better, and soon.

I imagine that she is suffering too: she tried may times, and tried hard, to lose weight, in a large part, I imagine, so to satisfy you, and she failed. She knows how you feel about her weight: how is it for her to go through life every day, for 3 years, knowing how you feel about her weight, feeling defined by her weight?

Mr. A, what if you shift your focus  away from her weight, and redirect your focus to her core essence, to who she is: what she feels, what she needs, what she wants; her thoughts, her feelings, her perceptions, her struggles..?

If she feels seen, understood, cared for as a whole person (not as a part-person, or a project, such as a lose-weight-project), she is likely to be able to have the consistency and discipline required to succeed in her chosen objectives.

anita

Dear Kshitij:

Better that you have a night time routine/ ritual where the same things happen every night, before and as you go to bed: nothing new/ nothing out of the routine, so fewer chances for triggers. I hope you are sleeping restfully right now, Thurs 2:20 am, and that if you wake up before morning, that you are calm, and go back to sleep.

anita