Dear Tom:

You shared about your last company back in May- June, 2019, five years ago:  “I have accepted the new role and am looking forward to the move. I am currently working my notice in my current position” (June 12, 2019)

Today: “After 5 years with my last company, I took a new job offer around and am now 4 weeks in, about to start my 5th week… It’s a well paid job so I feel there is pressure to deliver and make it work. My partner and myself have a mortgage etc. so its not as simple as going to find another job. I feel my confidence is draining while I am there, and I come home unhappy etc. with it impacting my sleep. I know its only been 4 weeks and I will of course give it more time but any tips/words would be appreciated. Thanks“-

– You are welcome, and I am glad you posted again. My tip: Anxiety Management.

Psychology today/ strategies to manage anxiety: “Anxiety can feel like a monster that is out of control and you have no way of conquering it: nothing could be further from the truth. You can make choices to reduce your anxiety. You have the power. By adopting these seven strategies and restructuring your habits, the anxiety monster gets less scary and slowly loses its power. Schedule/Routine:… Awareness:…Deep Breathing:…”

Healthline/ how to cope with anxiety: “If you deal with anxiety, there are strategies you can use to help manage immediate symptoms, as well as long-term methods to combat recurring issues…  Low impact exercises like walking, yoga, and tai-chi can often help people to reduce stress and manage anxiety symptoms… If anxiety is a regular part of your life, it’s important to find treatment strategies to help you keep it in check. If you’re unsure where to start, discussing options with a mental health professional who might suggest something you hadn’t thought of before… If your anxiety is severe enough that your mental health professional believes you’d benefit from medication, there are several directions, depending on your symptoms. Discuss your concerns with your doctor…”.

I hope you post again, Tom, and that we can communicate here for awhile.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“Centred in what is, rather than what if”– original, poetic wording and an inspiration for a poem: Centred Sad Soul, Centred in What is…

“I have to tackle the fear in order to be safe, and a lot of that is being tuned into what is true and real“- I need to think about this sentence for a while, about its meaning.

“My mother is very critical of my appearance, how I walk, how I hold my mouth, how I dress.. I hate how I look, worry about how I walk and hold my mouth, you name it I’m insecure (hurt etc.) by it. I’m trying to disengage myself from it. What is true and real is so true! Her meanness is true and real“- shifting focus from what she said about you directly (your looks are unacceptable to me!) =>  what she said about her indirectly (I am mean!).

I have to run and will be away from the computer for a while. I hope you rest some this weekend.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

I am glad you did your dangerous sport (What the hell is it…?) and you are alive to talk about it.

“What do you do to help feel calm?“- to understand what is true and real.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

I am currently fine and dandy, not at all crackly grouchy grrr. I feel calm, strangely calm, as in a new kind of calm, new to me. I had a moment of grrr yesterday when I realized that I must have deleted by mistake all the photos in my gallery/ phone (grrr face emoji).

anita

Dear Zenith:

Good to read from you, and especially good to read that you are happy (at the least you were five hours ago). I like it very much that you decided where you’ll stay during the visit and let your husband know your choice: assertive!

How long will you be there, and what is the anxiety about, in regard to the visit?

And I am fine thank you, relaxing after 4.5 hours work outside.

anita

Dear HenryNahNg:

* This is a very long post because of all the quotes from 2 online sources that I copied and pasted here. Sometimes the result of the copying and pasting is lots of excess print. If that happens, I will re-submit my post without the excess print. Please feel free to read or not to read any or all of the long post to follow.

(I am adding the boldface feature selectively to the following quotes from your two posts:  “I’m navigating the complexities of relationships …Two broken engagements have left me with residual doubts… I’m finding it challenging to discover a form of physical expression that feels completely fulfilling for both of us… What strategies have you found helpful in building a stronger foundation for intimacy and connection?… my biggest challenge lies in my perspective or outlook“-

– your choice of words indicates to me that you intellectualize emotions. It is a defense strategy that creates a distance between you and your emotions. It also creates a distance between you and other people. When you intellectualize your emotions, you suppress them, and suppressed emotions hinder connecting with others on a deep emotional level.

“What strategies have you found helpful in building a stronger foundation for intimacy and connection?”- one excellent strategy would be to stop intellectualizing your emotions.

From psychology today/ how to stop intellectualizing your emotions: “In a world that often values rationality and control, we frequently find ourselves intellectualizing our emotions. This process involves dissecting our feelings, analyzing them, and attempting to manage them with logic. While intellectualizing emotions can be helpful in some situations, it can also lead to a disconnection from our true emotional experiences…

“Intellectualizing emotions is a defense mechanism that serves as a shield against the overwhelming intensity of feelings. It’s the process of suppressing emotions by overthinking, analyzing, or explaining them away… While intellectualizing emotions might seem like a coping mechanism, it often has detrimental effects on mental and emotional well-being. Here are a few reasons why it’s essential to address this habit:

“Emotional Suppression: When you intellectualize your emotions, you suppress them. This can lead to unresolved emotional issues that fester over time, potentially resulting in more significant problems like anxiety or depression.

“Interpersonal Relationships: Intellectualizing emotions can hinder your ability to connect with others on an emotional level. It might make you appear distant or unapproachable, making it challenging to build meaningful relationships.

“Physical Health: Continuously suppressing emotions can lead to physical health issues such as increased stress, high blood pressure, and weakened immune system functioning…

“One of the most apparent signs of intellectualizing emotions is overthinking… Rationalizing is another sign that you’re intellectualizing your emotions. You might find yourself coming up with logical explanations or excuses for why you’re feeling a certain way, rather than accepting the emotion itself.. Minimizing your emotions involves downplaying their significance…

“Learning to Embrace Your Emotions… Practicing self-compassion is a crucial step in reconnecting with your emotions… Mindfulness techniques can help you become more aware of your emotions as they arise. By staying present and nonjudgmental in the moment, you can observe your feelings without trying to intellectualize or suppress them…

“Intellectualizing your emotions may seem like a way to maintain control, but it often comes at the cost of disconnecting from your true emotional experiences. To lead a healthier and more fulfilling life, it’s essential to recognize the signs of intellectualization and take steps to embrace your emotions authentically. The journey to emotional authenticity is a personal one, and it may require time and effort. But the rewards are profound—a deeper connection with yourself, healthier relationships, and improved overall well-being.”

From nick wignell/ intellectualized emotions: “When was the last time you said out loud: I feel sad or, I’m angry? If you’re anything like me, probably not so recently—like, maybe not since you were in elementary school. We adults tend to avoid using plain emotional language to describe how we feel. When asked how we’re doing, it somehow feels strange to simply say I feel sad—as though it’s too childlike and simplistic. Instead, we say much more adult things like: I’m upset or, I’m just spread too thin or, I’m really worried.

“But these more adult words and phrases we use to describe how we feel aren’t really emotions at all. And our habit of using them allows us to think we’re communicating how we feel, when in reality we’re doing the exact opposite — hiding how we feel…

“Intellectualizing your emotions is an unconscious verbal habit of rejecting plain emotional vocabulary and substituting a more vague, conceptual, or metaphorical idea to communicate how you feel emotionally… Saying I’m sad is a little more uncomfortable and raw than saying I’m upset. And to avoid this emotional vulnerability and discomfort, we intellectualize our emotions to keep them at a distance and decrease their intensity.

“We’re able to intellectualize our emotions like this through two tricks of language: 1. Umbrella Terms. Umbrella terms are generic words that act as containers for many possible feelings. If you got fired from your job, there are probably a lot of emotions swirling around your head (mad, terrified, disappointed, confused, despondent, etc.). These emotions can feel less overwhelming when we package them up in the linguistic container of upset… Common umbrella terms include stressed/ stressed-out, weird, upset, fine, okay, overwhelmed, off, etc. 2. Metaphors. Spread too thin is a really great metaphor for what happens when we have too much going on in our lives…  And while they’re illustrative and evocative, metaphors can also be shifty and vague, perfect vehicles for pretending like we’re saying something without actually having to say it…

“Now, at this point you might be wondering.. What’s so bad about intellectualizing my emotions a bit? Especially if it helps me avoid pain? In small doses, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. Your dry cleaning guy doesn’t need to know the intimate details of your guilt over that argument with your sister-in-law… A little emotional suppression allows society to function. But when that emotional suppression and hiding becomes a firmly ingrained habit that we can’t shut off, it makes us rigid and inflexible. Specifically, when we’re in a habit of not talking to ourselves or others about how we feel in a plain way, it becomes difficult to do so when it’s truly necessary. And this can become problematic in a few ways…

“In my experience, there are three subtle but powerful threats to our emotional health and well-being that come from the habit of intellectualizing our emotions. 1. Lack of Emotional Clarity I see the problem of intellectualizing emotions all the time with my therapy clients who are struggling with some type of mental health issue…  2. Poor Self-Awareness… it’s difficult to change how we feel if we don’t really know how we feel in the first place… By avoiding talking specifically about how we feel, we avoid thinking specifically about how we feel. And if we do that long enough, we really don’t know how we feel. Like any other skill—from speaking French to powerlifting—if you stop practicing, you’ll lose competency. And it’s no different with your emotional life.. So before you can work on improving how you feel, you have to establish the habit of describing how you feel in plain, genuine language. No metaphors, no vague generic terms, just plain emotions: sad, mad, scared, ashamed, disappointed, excited, etc.

“3. Isolation and Alienation The last major downside to being stuck in a habit of intellectualizing your emotions is that it’s isolating. One of the primary ways we human beings forge connections with each other is by being vulnerable and sharing intimate aspects of ourselves with others… While uncomfortable, sharing our feelings humanizes us and makes us relatable. Nobody wants to be friends with someone who’s just fine all the time. We all crave connections with people, not robots…

“How to Stop Intellectualizing Your Emotions Below are a few tips for getting started changing your emotional language away from the intellectualized and general toward the plain and specific. * Awareness… * Prepare Alternatives… Try this: Google ’emotions list,’ print one out, and carry it around with you. Whenever you notice yourself using an intellectualized emotion, pull out your list and find a more appropriate emotional word. Do this enough and those real emotions will get easier to pull up and use on your own.

“* Lean into the discomfort. The biggest reason we avoid using plain emotions to describe how we feel is that we’re afraid that it will be too uncomfortable—either to us or someone else. We worry that if we acknowledge our sadness, we’ll sink back into depression; or that if we communicate our anger, we’ll make our spouse feel guilty. In other words, we intellectualize our emotions because we’re afraid of them and their consequences. But while emotions can be uncomfortable, they’re not dangerous—no one ever died from guilt or became depressed because of sadness (in fact, there’s pretty good evidence that it’s the avoidance of sadness that leads to depression). In any case, to get over our fear of our own emotions, we need to start being willing to experience them and build up resilience. Start small: Instead of telling your spouse you’re just tired, explain that I’m a little frustrated that you…

“Wrapping Up Expressing how we feel in plain, clear language can be surprisingly scary and uncomfortable. And in order to avoid this discomfort, we all tend to intellectualize our emotions—to take a genuine emotional feeling like sad or scared, and verbally wrap it up in a less intense idea like upset or stressed. While this is a natural and even useful tool at times, it can come with serious downsides if it becomes a mindless habit and our standard operating procedure including staying stuck in mental health struggles, having trouble with personal development goals, and getting caught in cycles of isolation and loneliness. But in small ways we can begin to change our emotional language by consciously choosing to use real emotion words to describe how we feel.”

Back to your words, HenryAnhNg: “the emotions surrounding these past relationships can still be intense.. I haven’t been able to communicate this openly with her“- you can, if you would like to, communicate openly here, in your thread, by doing this exercise: translate your Intellectualized Emotions Writing (IEW, if you will), into Real Emotions Writing (REW). For example, taken from the 2nd paragraph of your original post (I am not you, of course, therefore the translation is my own, offered as an example of what it could be for you, but not necessarily so):

“My first hurdle involves overcoming past relationship experiences. Two broken engagements have left me with residual doubts about my ability to fully commit and trust in marriage“- I feel sad and scared because two of my previous relationships ended badly for me.

anita

Dear Arie1276:

On March 27, 2022, you shared that long ago, at a bar, a guy who Amy (your brother’s wife’s sister) was interested in dating flirted with you while she was getting drinks, she saw him touching your hair, and accused you of flirting with him. Fast forward, Friday night, March 19, 2022, you met Amy, her date, her sister, and a couple other people at the winery to watch a local band. Sunday morning,  March 21, 2022, Amy texted you to never talk to her again, used a profanity against you, and falsely accusing you of meeting her date after the time at the winery. You defended yourself, telling her it wasn’t true, tried to convince her that it wasn’t true, but she didn’t believe you, and blocked you on everything.  On that same Sunday, your brother called you, accused you of the same, and used profanities against you. You wrote at the time: “A real friend would have approached it differently. She is no longer my friend over something that was handled like an immature high school girl“.

More than 2 years later, yesterday, May 21, 2024, you shared again about Amy’s text that Sunday after the Winery gathering,  calling you, “a slut and a boyfriend stealer”, and no matter what you said to defend yourself from her false accusations, she kept accusing you. Both your brother and his wife (Amy’s sister) believed Amy and not you.  You blocked the 3 of them from your phone and social media for 3-4 months. Following that, you all reconciled and starting hanging out again.

“Then I was gonna play match maker and set up a date with a male friend and Amy. Well, my male friend confessed he liked me and wanted to date me. I said no.  I told Amy this“- knowing that Amy has been jealous of you for a long time, that she believes that men prefer you over her, why- after telling Amy that you wanted to set her up with your male friend – did you tell her that your male friend likes you and wants to date you?

After you told her, she said negative things about you, and your brother and his wife, once again, believed Amy. You haven’t spoken to your brother and his wife since, and you and Amy haven’t spoken in a few weeks.

“I guess I just need some advice on how to deal with this type of situation or if anyone out there has been through this. What upsets me more is that my own brother turned his back on me and basically is sticking up for his sister n law!!!!!!“- if it is possible for you to get everyone (your brother, his wife, Amy and you) to attend family counseling/ therapy together, that would be best. In the counseling session, hopefully everyone will get to express themselves without profanities, for the purpose of conflict resolution. You will express how you feel being falsely accused, being called names, and the others will get to express themselves.

Conflicts and misunderstandings resolved, closeness between you all can be restored, I hope!

anita

Dear Robi:

You are very welcome. Thank you for taking the time from the middle of your English class to send me this note. You’ve often expressed appreciation for my time and efforts, sending a positive sentiment my way: it shows me that you are an empathetic person.

anita