Dear SadSoul:

Surprisingly, I had a relatively good night sleep, no mountain lion flashbacks.

“here I feel I can practise living the way I want to without the background noise of life pulling me down?“- yes, for me too, less background noise in my brain; more noise in real-life. (I suppose that the visual, auditory and tactile are stirring some excessive, negative noise for me).

“Here it’s quiet and full of good words, I find myself thinking much more clearly“- yes, this is my experience too, and I appreciate the good words coming from you.

“Sending you another dose of beautiful you… I’m still surprised at how you remained loyal to her till adulthood… Oh Anita, I hope you carry the above with you for the rest of your life, that you were and are beautiful“- thank you! (bird flying in light blue sky emoji).  Yes, I was loyal to her, and for the longest time, and I wasn’t aware of it. I wasn’t aware that I was trying to reach her, still trying to get her to appreciate me, to think well of me, to.. love me.

“Also a bit sad my son“- Sad Soul. Sad, a feeling that follows a loss. I understand.

“I’m not surprised you acted protectively of her. I did the same growing up and even in adulthood. Firstly protective of my mother…“- do we protect them so that they will protect us back.. from themselves? (Crazy).

“No parent should badmouth the other parent to their child. They chose that person and the child is half that person. In affect the child is being belittled and destroyed by those words because those words are them“- very well said. And my mother badmouthed everyone, including myself. When she was badmouthing other people (judging others for their imperfections), she was indirectly badmouthing me too because I knew that I was imperfect, often in the same ways others were imperfect.

“I think you did a really good job of standing up for your mother. I think you’d be a force of nature if you stood up for someone/ something you are protecting today!“- I am reading this part for the first time this morning, and it is very meaningful to me. I like the idea and thought of it myself before, repeatedly, never read or heard it coming from another person.. until you!

“I think I’ll adopt young you – yes, I know this is impossible, but imagine it. Then you’d only have to focus on protecting important things like stray kittens and causes like the environment. I’d protect you from the big things like being hungry and bullies! And we’d have friends (yours and mine and ours) over for morning tea, and we’d spend hours making yummy cakes and triangle sandwiches for them and ourselves to enjoy, and we’d celebrate how happy it made them to have a place of honour in our home. We wouldn’t ever criticise them because they’re our friends. We wouldn’t have people in our home who weren’t friends either. Aaah the imagines.”- this too I read for the first time just now.

This is the most beautiful thing I have ever read.

anita

Dear Melissa:

“My question is because I’m begging for someone to help me… every woman I see, I think does he like her, was she like that,  does anything remind him of her… I take full responsibility on how I treated him, and I feel terrible I hurt him, but this is another level.. has anyone been in something similar and can suggest anything to help me wipe it from my brain… Thank you to anyone who has listened and I appreciate your time.“- you are welcome. I am glad you posted (interestingly, you posted exactly 2 years after the thread started, May 29 of 2022!)

Yes, I experienced something very similar to the emotional- mental torture you are going through, and for a long time. I was obsessed with a man’s previous relationship, details replaying in my mind. I lived and re-lived his past as if it was mine, and as if it was still happening and re-happening.

Gladly, it’s all been a long time ago, and I am not stuck there anymore. What a relief!

The reason I was stuck in the man’s past is that I had unfinished business carried over from my past, my childhood- adolescence, to be exact. Growing up, the good life was happening to others, not to me: other girls had fun, later dated, had boyfriends.. but not me: I was so alone and lonely. In the home where I grew up: my mother was so positively attentive to guests, so nice to them, flattering them, telling them wonderful things about themselves, how great they are.  But to me, 1-2-1, she said I was “a nothing, an absolute zero“, her words.

And so, I was envious and jealous of others. Fast forward, I was jealous of a man’s past girlfriend, as if she was still his girlfriend. It was my past emotional experience, that got re-activated in adulthood, in a different context.

More about your situation: after being together for about 11 years (in 2022), living together with children, you were sick and tired of the relationship and of life the way it was. You didn’t communicate to him how you were feeling and eventually, decided to end the relationship. He moved out and back to his parents. You lost weight, felt better, got on dating sites, enjoyed the attention, and still slept with your partner, including in mid-July 2023. You later found out that he slept with another woman six  times around that time.

“To say I felt my heart break would be an understatement I burst out crying and sobbed…  I was shaking gagging thinking I was dying, I’ve never felt pain like it“- a very strong reaction. Reads like a past pain being reactivated. I know this kind of pain, Melissa. I am sorry that you know it too.

“he swore and promise it was 3 times and used condoms.. few weeks later.. he finally admitted it was 6 times, no condoms… he said he never wanted to date this woman, didn’t really find her attractive, it was literally to try and get over me… he said …“- you’ve seen it in movies, haven’t you, a man interrogated by detectives long enough, trapped in the situation long enough, will say ANYTHING to get the interrogation over with. I don’t fault him for being inconsistent about the details.

“He is very, very remorseful… This was 9 months ago.. we are in love, plan to marry, and better than ever… Can someone really just forget someone they have had sex with 6 times and did those little things with them“(?)- yes, someone definitely can forget. And reads like he is dedicated to you.

“I find myself crying daily…. my brain says (there’s) more, he’s lying… why my brain is against me, I don’t know.. we are happy so why can’t I forget it like he has?”- the reason, seems to me, is that for him the 6 times were about those 6 times only, but for you, those 6 times are about much more: your childhood reactivated in an adult context.

“I take full responsibility on how I treated him and I feel terrible I hurt him“- someone in your childhood didn’t yet take full responsibility for terribly hurting you?

I hope to read more from you. I would like you to find peace with his past and more importantly, with your past. It’s not easy, but it can happen for you!

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“Both. My brain goes around in circles about things that I’m upset about, or worried about, and when it can’t think about things specifically it kind of goes on repeat thinking the same stupid thing round and round. Hard to explain!“- hard to explain even though you have a lot of time to explain, lying awake at night.. Insomniac Thinking (IT) is not a productive kind of thinking. Might as well, if we have to think awake at night, think about anything, something not as worrying, the lesser of the worries? Or think about someone else’s worries, someone you never met in-person?

“I wonder if the forums are your escape?“- it’s the way I escape to a place where I learn about real-life, and, as a result, I live my real-life better (I do). But more than that: this here, is real-life, only lacking the visual, auditory and tactile (can’t see your face, can’t hear your voice and accent, can’t feel your virtual hugs), but I can see your mind and heart and.. Soul, and you can see mine.

“Whatever it is for you, I think it’s good to have a place to take your mind to other (better) places“- for me, you are not a person limited to this website. I am okay with knowing you in real-life, although scared of the added irl dimensions, additional dimensions that may show me not at my best. It’s easier to type into the non-living, obedient screen than to talk to a living person.

I’ll read and respond to the rest of your post tomorrow because now, I am under the influence of red wine after (AHHHHHHH!) two hours ago (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH), for the first time, I saw a mountain lion (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH) crossing the private road, right outside the driveway where I live, maybe 15-20 meters away from me (AHHHHHHHHHHH). Will I ever walk again..?

Back to you in the morning.

anita

Dear Zenith:

“I should not wear shorts in front of my on laws. I have to dress certain way… I hate the fact that I have to suppress my personality in front of them.“- think of it this way, if you will: here in the U.S., where you live, you still have to suppress your personality in regard to what you wear, depending on the place you are in: you can wear a bikini to the swimming pool, but not to the supermarket; you go for a jog wearing sweats, but not to a party;  certain restaurants have dress codes… so you/ we all adjust to the place we’re in. And so, you adjust to your in-laws’ home by wearing long pants in their home/ in their company.

Prepare for your visit in India, prepare your reactions to different scenarios. That will make it easier for you, once you are there.

“I hate…”- Try to not hate anyone or anything because your hate hurts you: it’s unnecessary suffering for you. And I wouldn’t want you to suffer when it’s .. optional, when you don’t have to!

anita

Dear Zenith:

That wasn’t a rant, only 10 sentences (I counted, lol). Good thing you don’t suppress yourself at home and with your parents. You said that you will spend most of your time in India with your parents. Is this still the plan? That would make your visit a less suppressive/ more expressive, way better for your health!

“It’s just when I am with my in laws and co workers or with new people“- I remember that you shared about the rich relatives who used to criticize your parents who were poor, a long time ago. I wonder if you are projecting your very critical and rude relatives into your in-laws, as in re-experiencing your critical relatives when you are spending time with your in-laws (who may be rich too, like the relatives?)

“I tell my kiddo others’ opinion doesn’t matter and how people react is beyond your control. But its hard for me to follow. I have become so highly sensitive“- if you found a way to lessen this sensitivity.. to calm it down enough so that you can follow your own advice..

anita

Dear Zenith:

“It’s just I am worried about people’s (in laws and relatives) judgement. I don’t have the confidence to stand up for myself and be assertive… Due to this anxiety it would be hard for me to face people’s judgement in India“- I wonder if, when you are there with in-laws and relatives, if you can tune out to what they are saying and focus on interacting with children, if children are present, or focus on things in the background? Or you can “listen” to a song in your head, instead of listening to what they are saying? (I am ale to do that.. without even trying, lol).

“The other big thing is my fear with procession of Hindu gods. That would take when I am vacationing in India. I am worried that would trigger me“- can you stay home during the procession?

“Lately, I feel like I am living my life for others. I am a people pleaser“- lately more than before? How?

anita

Dear Zenith:

You are probably very busy getting ready for the flight to India, maybe you are on the plane right now: I wanted to wish you and your family safe travels, and to wish you a good visit with your mother!

anita