Dear Going Through Life:

This is what you shared about EN, summarized: you met her through a dating app in Sept 2023, met her in-person two times only, and communicated long-distance almost everyday for 4 months, until Dec 2023, when she told you that it’s best to stop talking because of the distance and the timing, and a few days later, she told you that she met someone else. At one point, she offered to stay friends with you, but you declined, saying that if you want to be friends, you will reach out to her. You reached out to her at the end of March, or very early April 2024, and her response: “she isn’t looking forward to a friendship, saying her new boyfriend may feel uncomfortable.”

About your feelings for her, you shared (the boldfaced are your words) that communicating almost everyday with her over the course of 4 months was nice and fun, you started to fall for her, you felt that your feelings for her were reciprocated, you miss that connection with her, feeling a strong pure bond to her, and that on one hand, your feelings for her scare you, and on the other, thinking about her makes you smile a lot. And last thing you added in your most recent pot is: “I was never attached to EN“.

This is what you shared about SS: you met her in Feb 2024, she is nice and sweet and she’s smart too, but you don’t want to through your  attachment issues, and focus on your goals instead. You are thinking about breaking up with her because you don’t feel such a strong connection with her, you miss EN a lot, and want a connection like you had with EN. You added, in your most recent post: “And I think besides feelings I’m starting to get attached to SS which I’m not keen of“.

Back in Jan 30 (page 1) I added online quotes about the avoidant attachment style, including what you shared about another young woman, SK: “It was a very passionate and lovely relationship… I was really attracted to her”, “I broke up with her..  got into FWB… I again pulled myself away. I did this push and pull a lot with her“.

In your Jan 30- 31 replies, you wrote: “I agree with the fearful avoidant attachment style… Even now when I think someone will love me, I will end up pushing them away. I’m scared of that deep commitment… I regret a lot not accepting her love… My emotions were always numbed with SK. I refused to say I love you to her many times, I was scared, I (have) burst out with anger sometimes too… I was never emotionally dependent on anyone since I was young“.

Normally, I’d follow the above with my analysis, but this time, I would like you to sit with the above for a while and come up with your own, thoughtful analysis over time of calm contemplation.

I find these sentences in your post of seven hours ago most interesting: “I think besides feelings I’m starting to get attached to SS which I’m not keen of. I was never attached to EN.“- I would very much like to read your analysis including what these two sentences mean.

anita

Dear Meatball:

“I’ve asked her to be out by the time I get back“- this is the best part of your latest post. I hope that she will be out by the time you are back from vacation! I’ll write more Mon morning (it’s Sun evening here)

anita

Dear Going Through Life:

“What are your thoughts on this Anita?“- I may have more thoughts Mon morning (it’s Sun early afternoon here), but for now, I am thinking that maybe your strong emotional connection to EN has to do with the fact that she is unavailable (she told you that she has a boyfriend), so it feels safe to long for someone unavailable. On the other hand, SS seems available, and it is scary to be in a real, ongoing relationship. You can let me know your thoughts about this, and I will return to you tomorrow morning.

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“I’d spend hours full of guilt wishing I could think of a reason that wouldn’t hurt them, and occasionally I lied… I hated myself lying, even if it was a ‘white’ lie. I hated myself for letting them down in the first place. I hated myself for trying to ‘white’ lie. I’m this old now, and it’s taken this long to accept I just need to say, ‘I forgot..“- one feeling excessively, relentlessly guilty, one hates oneself, as in: I hurt you so badly, I am a BAD person, I hate this bad person (me)!

“I’m very glad you didn’t (die)!”- thank you!!!

“Maybe writing this can help the pain reduce in you? I hope so. For me, knowing someone understands and cares helps, you have given me this. Thank you for sharing such a deep thing with me”– yes, writing this helps ne, knowing someone (you) understands and cares.

“I am especially blessed to be able to give you such a thing. I don’t know you well but I can very much see that you are a special person; a special person who for no fault of their own was given a very broken human for a mother –  literally the opposite of a mother who loves and cares, a mother who hated and broke those around her, a broken piece of rubbish – but against all odds here you are, special, kind, growing yourself into the person you should have been allowed to grow up to be“- me, a special person, me- a special person. What a different life my life would have been if that was the message given to me from the beginning..!

“I spent a bit of time with the offspring reminiscing about the life of the loved pet… my heart sings because they’re no longer carrying hurt or whatever towards me for giving them boundaries. And! They sometimes forgive me and show amazing understanding for my failings”– ahh, A Mother, a real mother!

“I have been meandering through my reply for the last few hours, don’t a bit, coming back to it after interrupting myself with things I need to get done and probably time to digest what I’m writing too. You’re my invisible friend I’m pouring my heart out to. Thank you.“- invisible sad soul friend: I imagine (and I may be wrong, of course), I imagine that your hair is dirty blond (with grey), that you are about 1.70 meter tall, no to little make up, very light skin; wild sport: 2-person canoe riding, (by the way, there are wild coyote calls in the dark, as I am typing this), eyes: green, or very hazel brown.  About me: I am 1.65 meters, 50 kg, brown eyes with hazel, dark brown hair mostly grey, in ponytail, olive color skin,  always in jeans, size zero USA).

Last night, I had an alcohol related injury: I cut my hand.. deeply, accidently (ooops), in front of people, blood gushing. Embarrassing!  More than 24 hours later, my hand is bandaged, I am typing this with a taped hand, doesn’t hurt anymore.. it’s strange how alarming it is to watch your blood exiting your body in a big flow.

So, I didn’t sleep much Fri night, feeling guilty for messing up others’ experience with my blood gushing (unintended) exhibition. It is now Sat night, 10:08 pm.. late night. Good night, SadSoul!

anita

Dear SadSoul:

I had a tough night and slept very poorly, so I can’t focus and properly read or reply. I hope to feel better by tomorrow and get back to you then. I see your last line, referring to me as your invisible friend, you are welcome and thank you!

anita

Dear Going Through Life:

When you chose to not journal, you didn’t do anything wrong, you weren’t rude to me. So, there is no reason for you to apologize to me.

In my last post to you, when I wrote that you are welcomed to accept or reject any suggestion I make to you, and that I am fine in either case, I meant it.

It wasn’t rude of you to not journal; it would have been rude of me if I insisted that you journal, or guilt-tripped you into it, or any such thing.

I am explaining and stressing this because it is important, that as you are.. going through life, that you don’t go through life guiltily, feeling guilty for making  choices that you have the right to make.

(Personally, I used to feel so guilty about so many things that I was not guilty of..)

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“Don’t be afraid. I’m very boring“– I like boring, predictable people, I really do!  “and never at my best, but always trying to be the best me I can be“- humble, trustworthy and beautifully said!

“I’m not judgmental and I don’t care about looks, money, or popularity – I’m very not popular“- I love this. You are gifted when it comes to combining words/ writing (says I).

“I just like honest people without hidden agendas and meanings. I like kind people“- it’d be perfectly peaceful place, this world we live in, if every person was honest, without hidden agendas and meanings, and kind.

“Oooh that’s terrifying. What type of sharp toothed tiger did you see on that other mystic adventure? You’re going to have to be careful of this wild world you live in. Are they coming close because the world is going back to nature around you or because they’re running out of their world?“- their world is here. This is not a heavily populated area, and there’s a lot of berries, rodents, rabbits, deer.. . lots of food for coyotes, bears, bobcats, and mountain lions.

“I am a weird combination of quiet and shy, but also talkative with those I know and trust. I like quietness“- I could have written this about myself.

“It’s human nature to love and protect. Human nature can be a whole lot of other horrible things too but if the majority of people were the horrible things, we’d die out. Your mother is a member of the extinction group, she’s not a part of the continuation of the race, she’s a failure as a human organism“- she is part of the extinction group- not on the massive scales that Hitler, Stalin and others were; not on the massive scale that current antisocial politicians are, causing millions of people to unnecessarily suffer and die-  But in this one person anita, she is responsible for a massive amount of unnecessary suffering.

Growing up I wanted to die, so that the suffering-within will end. But I didn’t want to.. bother her with the inconvenience… I felt too guilty. Replaying certain scenes in my life, it looks like a miracle that I did not accidently die, such as inattentively walking into a busy street, or driving too fast and almost crashing, repeatedly.

Unfortunately, and very sadly, there are other people growing up with her who suffered then, and still do.

Writing the above was difficult, to acknowledge the massive amount of unnecessary suffering one person can cause another person/ a few people in their lives, a few people who to one extent or another, in one context or another, hurt yet more people, making our world the place that it is.

“I hope somehow knowing that you matter helps. No one can give you the childhood you deserved but I hope it helps you heal knowing that in a different family you would have been cherished. I can’t go back and help you beautiful little self but I can tell you I would if I could. I’m glad we’ve blown into each other’s worlds“- I wrote earlier, in a previous post, that what you wrote back then was the most beautiful thing I ever read.. well, add this to the-most-beautiful category.

“I didn’t get to sleep last night… I’m really sad just now. On a positive note, I think this sadness is an equal reaction to the events around it… So, I think it’s regular sadness. Hmmm.“- I hope you slept better since, that your sadness is still of the regular kind.

anita

Thank you, SadSoul for being you! I will reply next Fri morning (Thurs evening here).

anita