Dear SadSoul:

“My very best, dominating and controlling friend, well she was just as scared as I was of being alone and unloved… how she demanded from me to affirm herself was selfish and sometimes mean“- a real friend does not demand; a real friend allows a friend the time and freedom to think, to feel, to choose.

“No one has ever wanted to be my friend in such a simple uncomplicated way“- I do.

“I want to know so much more! If only the world were smaller… Need cheesy pizza and mulled wine and fire and your company to help enjoy them all.”– cheese pizza and mulled wine and fire with SadSoul sounds heavenly. If you can, and you would like to, you can submit a post with an email, one that’s safe for you to submit in a public forum (an email created for this purpose perhaps), and I will send an email to the address you provide. This way we can communicate privately. (As I shared before, I am technically/ computer-wise challenged, or disabled, so I don’t know how to do what I am suggesting). You also have the option to ask the website owner (CONTACT under HOME at the top of the page) to delete a particular post in your thread or the whole thread.

Thank you for calling me beautiful, and kind and caring. I am smiling right now, taking in these words, letting them in.

anita

* I forgot to edit out the sentence “May the chapter of “Telling the difference… come to an end.” from my reply.

Dear Arie:

You are welcome, and thank you for responding to me, it’s nice to be acknowledged!

Since my last reply to you, I do the NPARR strategy just the way I suggested to you, so my advice has been helping me, And, in my last sentence in my last reply: “Redirect my focus to behaving myself in ways I wish others behaved.”- I had a saying in mind but couldn’t come up with the wording. I now remember the saying: “Be the Change You Want to See in the World” (Mahatma Gandhi).

anita

Dear SadSoul:

* I am adding this comment after completing this post: it’s a bit scary for me to submit it because I think that I went deeper in this reply than in past replies, and I a afraid that reading this will distress you.. and that you will get offended and angry at me. (I know you told me that you rarely get angry, yet.. well, you know, fear):

I am exhausted and my brain is operating very, very slowly. I read some of your earlier posts, as well as yesterday’s.

First, from Psychology today/ codependency: “Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of ‘the giver,’ sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, ‘the taker.’ The bond in question doesn’t have to be romantic; it can occur just as easily between parent and child, friends, and family members”.

Second, your words (I am adding the boldface feature selectively to the quotes), followed by my thoughts:

“So much life lived… being everything for everyone, and feeling valuable because of that… so engrossed in giving everything I had, and thinking I was loved and appreciated in return”- I think that there used to be a feeling of safety in being the giver, that it felt like the safer/ the less risky option.

“I have always been sensitive to others’ opinions and moods and I fit myself into them, literally turn myself inside out to avoid any negativity or confrontation“- it was safer to .. empty yourself from you.

“I’m slowly letting go of my mother’s criticisms, one if which is that it’s sinful and selfish to ever buy food out”- from the danger- fear of being selfish to the relative safety-comfort in being self-sacrificing.

“Slowly, I started to see I was being taken advantage of, and not having what I gave returned in any way. Slowly people dumped me because I said no, I can’t do that. I have a big empty life now. All the people I loved disappeared and it hurt so much”- there’s a perfect fit between Giver and Taker. You messed up the perfection when you wanted to Take something for yourself: that something being the privilege of saying No.

“I’m too afraid of asking for help or understanding, or whatever, and being rejected. I’m afraid of me being who I am in the friendship and that I’m the problem, that somehow my fear creates in them a righteousness that subconsciously thinks they should take and I should give“-

– the core problem, as I see it now, is your thinking that you are the problem because when you do, the instinctive solution is to put the problem (yourself) away. Being a Giver/ Self-Sacrificing may be the only way for a self-perceived Problem to experience something similar/ parallel to being loved.

I figure that some of the people in your life have been indeed Selfish/ Takers, such as your ex-boyfriend about whom you shared, but not all. In regard to those who are not Selfish, such as your son (seems to me), the reasons he “left unexpectedly” (title of your thread) are a few, like we talked about. The only part of the problem that you own, seems to me, is you being a self-sacrificing Giver/ Codependent.

It is scary to change from Giver to .. Giver and Taker.

anita

How are you,  Lily Margarette?

anita

Dear SadSoul:

I’ve been out and about for almost 11 hours, worked hard labor for a few hours (not for pay), hours of activity otherwise, and now about to have my 3rd glass of wine, what a day! I read a couple of paragraphs, and unfocused, perspiring (hot here today), and will read and reply Sun morning (Sat afternoon here). What I did read is sad, hence Sad Soul. Just sad to read, but not sadder than how I felt so much of my life, back to you tomorrow.

anita

Dear SadSoul: I am Sad that you are Sad. You did something outside of your comfort zone- maybe it’s a good thing that you did, and it’s just that you feel too.. uncomfortable/ shaken to realize it’s a good thing. Be back to you Sun or Mon.

anita