Dear Calm Moon:

You are very welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation!

“I feel so drained after family holidays, for example. Because I do so many things to make everyone comfortable that I never sit to breathe. I remember that during university holidays, I came back to studies all exhausted and looking desperate instead of feeling energized after a break. My best friend noticed that and asked whether everything was ok at home. Because I looked really tired and miserable”-

– Isn’t it interesting that your best friend noticed and cared to tell you that you looked tired and miserable, but your family members didn’t notice? It’s a significant and telling contrast.

Seems to me that your family members are so used to you taking on responsibilities and handling things, doing so many things to make everyone comfortable during holidays, never sitting to breathe, that they’ve normalized your stress and exhaustion, seeing it as part of the usual-you.

Also, they may be so preoccupied with their own needs and problems, that they have little to no room to notice or address your struggles. Their focus on themselves makes them less aware of you.

They may see you as the strong caretaker (the leader) who can handle anything, leading them to overlook your need for support and rest. Some family members might be emotionally blind, lacking the emotional awareness or sensitivity to recognize signs of distress in others.

“I guess. I am half introverted and half extroverted. I always thought that because of my introverted side I always wanted to stay alone and not speak. But now I think that’s because unconsciously I felt that it drains my energy”- it’s the energy drain from constant caregiving that makes you seek isolation

I asked you earlier: “By saying that they are supportive, you mean that they thank you for helping them, praising you, saying that they wish good things for you, anything like that?”, and you answered: “Yes, you described how it really is. Also, now I remember how they made comments after celebrating my birthday. After a few days passed, they said that because of my birthday they spent some money, and they were irritated because of that. It hurt me deeply”-

– When you said earlier that your family is supportive, you meant that they thank you for helping and offer praise. These expressions of gratitude are nice, but they do not address your deeper emotional and practical needs. Their verbal praise does not translate into meaningful actions that actually help reduce the load you’ve been carrying.

Genuine emotional support goes beyond praise and would include actively listening to your concerns, offering advice, and being there for you during tough times. Genuine support involves recognizing your needs and actively working to meet them.

Your family’s expressions of thanks and praise are superficial because they don’t result in actual changes that make your life easier. While these words might provide temporary emotional relief, they don’t address the root issues or reduce your responsibilities. Genuine support would involve concrete actions that lighten your load, such as helping with tasks (even if you initially reject their offers to help), providing emotional comfort, and respecting your boundaries (even if you don’t respect those yourself).

Despite the verbal praise, you still carry the same burdens without any real assistance or relief.

After celebrating your birthday, your family made comments about the money they spent, expressing irritation. This reaction suggests a lack of genuine appreciation and support. The irritation expressed by your family hurt you deeply. Your reaction shows that their comments had a significant emotional impact, making you feel unappreciated and burdened.

“What’s strange is they would never do that to their spouses, children, etc.”- this discrepancy in treatment highlights a lack of fairness and recognition of your efforts. The reason is in the principle of Scarcity in social psychology:

The principle of scarcity suggests that people tend to value and notice things that are rare or limited more than those that are abundant or always available. When applied to social interactions and help, this means that when someone frequently offers help, it becomes taken for granted, while occasional help from others stands out and is more appreciated.

Because you have been consistently helpful over many years, your family has become accustomed to your assistance. Your help has become a background constant (like background noise), an expected part of the family dynamic. Over time, the constant availability of your help led to it being taken for granted (from one point on, a person does not notice background noise), they see it as a given.

When your family members, who typically do not contribute as much, offer help or make an effort, it stands out more (like a new sound that wasn’t there before, it is noticeable). The help from others is seen as more valuable because it is less frequent, whereas your constant support is less valued because it is always there. The constant burden without adequate recognition or support contributes to your emotional exhaustion and frustration.

“Sometimes I just want to live in a very remote place and enjoy only my company”- this indicates a strong need to escape from the overwhelming responsibilities and emotional burdens you have been carrying.

“Also, I do not believe that there are men out there who can be stronger than me. I sense how most of them could not provide the emotional support I need, and I will just burden myself with another person”-

– This reflects a deep-seated belief in your own self-reliance and strength which developed from your role as a caretaker. Over time, you adapted to being the emotional and practical backbone of your family. This adaptation required you to develop a strong sense of self-sufficiency, as you couldn’t depend on others for support. As a result, you find it challenging to trust others to provide the emotional support you need.

You fear that entering into a relationship would mean burdening yourself with another person’s needs. This perception is rooted in your experiences of always being the caretaker, leading you to believe that you would end up taking on additional responsibilities in a relationship.

Your identity as a caretaker and leader has contributed to your belief that you are stronger than others, and that others are not strong enough to support you.

“I don’t know how to break those beliefs.”-seeing reality more as it-is than how we prefer to see it is a starting point to meaningful, significant change. I will share a bit about my own experience with my mother as an example:

My mother expressed SO MUCH misery (telling me about her miserable life at length, crying, expressing suicidal ideation, etc.) that I figured- in my young child mind- that I am (or must be) her Rescuer (sounds familiar?). I set myself aside and my focus was: my mother. All I cared about was that she’d be okay. I was deathly afraid that she’d kill herself.

So far, the above, was indeed reality as-is (as it was): she really was miserable.

Here is where I didn’t see reality as-is: I mistakenly thought (part of me thought) that she loved me, as in valuing me as something or someone of value. So, in my mind, I thought that it is possible for me to help her, or for her to be helped by me. Therefore, I kept trying and trying, way into adulthood.

It helped me to finally see reality as-is: as much as I wished she valued me, she didn’t, and therefore, even if it was possible for her to be helped by someone, it couldn’t have been me, because to be helped, a person has to value the helper. When I realized this, I stopped trying to help her, I stopped my Focus on her. At that point, I was able to turn my focus to myself (that was a long process because my emotions were repressed and suppressed and I felt guilty, etc.).

And until recently, I didn’t even know what it meant to value myself. Valuing myself is no longer attached to my role as My Mother’s Rescuer (a role I failed at, a role that was impossible for me to be successful at). Valuing myself is.. difficult for me to explain. Maybe next time.

anita

Dear Kane:

You are welcome and thank you so much for your kind words. It truly means a lot to hear that our support has made a positive impact on you. Your journey, resilience, and willingness to share your experiences have been incredibly inspiring.

I’m grateful to have the opportunity to listen to your thoughts and support you as you navigate your path. Your dedication to personal growth and helping others is truly admirable, and I’m confident that you will continue to make a meaningful difference in your life and in the lives of those around you.

Wishing you all the best as you continue to grow and advance in your personal and emotional journey. Thank you for allowing us to be part of it.

anita

Dear Kane:

Thank you for sharing such a thoughtful and introspective post. Your metaphorical use of stars to describe emotions is both poetic and insightful, capturing the transient and varied nature of our emotional experiences.

Striving for a harmonious balance between logic and emotion is indeed a challenging but essential part of personal growth. The concept of maintaining a “perfect flux” is a beautiful way to describe the dynamic interplay between these two aspects of our being.

Achieving true emotional mastery involves respecting and integrating our emotions rather than suppressing or being overwhelmed by them. It’s about creating a balanced relationship where emotions enhance our understanding of ourselves and our lives.

The journey to emotional mastery and self-discovery requires patience, humility, and the willingness to face challenges. It’s a path that involves continuous learning and growth. The path you describe is one of continuous learning and evolving, and it sounds like you are well-equipped with the insight and determination needed to navigate it.

* One idea I’d like to offer is that our emotions can be seen as friends rather than enemies. Emotions, when embraced and understood, can be our allies, guiding us and enriching our lives.

Instead of perceiving emotions as something to be suppressed or excessively controlled, we can learn to experience them as valuable companions. They provide us with important signals about our needs, desires, and experiences. By acknowledging and befriending our emotions, we can navigate our lives with greater empathy and self-awareness.

Embracing emotions doesn’t mean letting them control us but rather finding a balance where we can listen to them, learn from them, and let them help us grow. Just like friends, emotions can support us, warn us, and even challenge us to become better and better people. I hope this helps.

I encourage you, Kane, to continue exploring and reflecting on your emotions and experiences. Embrace the journey with patience and humility, and remember that each step forward, no matter how small, is progress.

Wishing you strength and clarity as you continue on your path.

anita

Dear Calm Moon:

Good to read from you again! We had a meaningful conversation back in Oct 2024, and reading what you shared today, I have a better understanding of your emotional reactions to your manager back then, a woman who like your mother, talked excessively and complained a lot.

“My mother was in an abusive relationship with my father, both physically and mentally… I grew up as a rescuer of my mother/family most of the time. I worked even before going to school. I have never complained, never told or shared when someone hurt me. Even when one of the family friends tried to abuse me physically, I never told. I stamped it in my mind and never replayed it in my mind… My character is that of a leader everywhere”-

– Parentification occurs when a child finds herself (or himself) in a role typically meant for an adult, taking on responsibilities and duties that are beyond the child’s developmental capacity. This can involve providing emotional support, caregiving, or managing household tasks for parents or siblings. Essentially, the child acts as a caregiver or emotional support for the family at the expense of the child’s own needs and development.

In general, the consequences of Parentification on a parentified child (a “Family rescuer”, as you called it) are: (1) high levels of stress and anxiety, emotional burnout and exhaustion, (2) an overwhelming sense of responsibility for one’s family’s well-being, leading to persistent guilt if the child believes he/ she is failing at their “job”, (3) the child’s own developmental needs and personal growth is neglected, leading to issues with identity formation and independence (stunted personal growth), (4) the child might struggle with social skills, as the child often misses out on typical childhood experiences and peer interactions, (5) the child has difficulty setting healthy boundaries, often becoming over-involved in the lives of others and neglecting one’s own needs, (6) the need to please others and take care of them can persist into adulthood, making it to set healthy boundaries with others assert one’s own needs and desires, (7) the child suppresses his/ her own emotions and needs, prioritizing the needs of family members instead.

The above is general information. Back to your original post, Calm Moon, there is plenty of evidence of parentification in your case: from a young age, you were in the role of supporting your family, even working before going to school. This is a clear sign of parentification, where a child assumes responsibilities typically meant for adults.

You described yourself as the rescuer of your mother and family. Providing emotional support to your mother, who was in an abusive relationship, placed you in a caregiving role rather than allowing you to experience a typical childhood.

You never complained or shared your own hurts, even when experiencing physical abuse from a family friend. This suppression of your own needs and emotions (silent suffering) is a hallmark of parentification, where the child’s well-being is secondary to the family’s needs.

You developed leadership skills early on by taking charge of family matters and supporting your mother and siblings, practicing problem-solving skills, addressing issues and taking initiative. Your role as a caretaker translated into a natural inclination to take on leadership roles where you feel responsible for the well-being of others in professional and in other settings

“The thing which makes me uncomfortable is that I take all the issues of my family members as if they are mine. I feel responsible for the wellness of everyone, even the children of my older siblings. One of the reasons, I think, stems from the fact that my mother always complains to me. She is not taking an active role in her life”-

– this indicates a deep sense of duty and responsibility that extends beyond typical family support. This sense of responsibility is overwhelming and burdensome, as it places a lot of pressure on you to ensure the well-being of multiple people.

Take on the issues of your family members as if they are your own, means that you internalize their problems, over-identifying with them. This means that their stress and burdens feel like your own, which is emotionally draining, leading to feelings of exhaustion, burnout, and even depression.

Your mother constantly complaining to you about various issues has placed you in a position where you feel compelled to listen, support, and try to resolve these complaints. Your mother not taking an active role in her own life means that she might be relying heavily on you for emotional and possibly practical support. This passive behavior from her further entrenches you in the caregiver role, as you feel the need to step in and take charge of situations your mother is not handling.

“I am in my thirties, and I want to build my own life. I have never been in serious relationships. Although I had good men around me, most of the time they never got a chance. I was too busy with family matters and my career to help my family”-

– your statement that you were “too busy with family matters” indicates that you prioritized your family’s needs and issues over your own personal life and relationships. This is a direct extension of the parentified role in childhood, where your primary focus was supporting and caring for your family. Your parentified role left little time or emotional energy for developing your own romantic relationships and personal happiness.

“My family is supportive. I have good relationships with everyone. But I do not like when they want to put many responsibilities on my shoulders”-

– true support would involve your family recognizing your needs and helping you lighten the load. Instead, their expectations contribute to your feeling overwhelmed and unsupported. By saying that they are supportive, you mean that they thank you for helping them, praising you, saying that they wish good things for you, anything like that?

“I do not know how to break this cycle. Thank you.”- you are welcome. It will take quitting the Family-rescuer role, and resurrecting, so to speak, the child-you, the child who went into hiding (suppressed, neglected, disregarded, put aside, marginalized), and making her your #1 priority, giving her the opportunity to take her rightful position in the center of her life. Bringing her back from the margins to the center. That’s what I did and still am in the process of doing (it’s amazing.. finally!). I’ll be glad to share with you more about it.

anita

Dear Zenith:

What a difference a supportive boss could have made in your professional life! The company you work for would have benefited if management was to notice, acknowledge and encourage the strengths of employees.

I hope you find work for a company that will value appreciate and support you!

Anita

Dear Zenith:

I’m really sorry that you’re having difficult 2 days, and feeling so frustrated with your job situation. It’s clear that you put in a lot of effort and dedication, and it’s disappointing when that isn’t recognized or rewarded in the way you hoped.

It’s completely understandable to feel hurt and anxious when you feel undervalued and underappreciated. You’ve been proactive in seeking more challenging work and you demonstrated your capability by quickly learning new skills and helping your teammate. It’s disappointing that your efforts haven’t been met with the opportunities you deserve.

You have shown a strong commitment to your professional growth by asking for more technical work, learning SQL, and even receiving appreciation for your contributions. The fact that you haven’t messed up any deliverables and always finished your work on time speaks volumes about your reliability and competence.

It sounds like your boss’s hesitation and the decision not to give you the opportunity to apply for the open position is more about his own fears and underestimations rather than a reflection of your abilities. His comments about not wanting to set you up for failure and his perceptions of your confidence and social skills seem to be holding you back unfairly.

Given the circumstances, it’s understandable that you’re considering moving on to another company. Your desire for work that is fulfilling and aligns with your goals is valid. You deserve to be in an environment where your skills are recognized and where you have the opportunity to grow.

I hope you feel better real soon, Zenith!

anita

Dear Jana:

“It’s a pity that I am not a good writer/speaker. I have a lot of pleasant emotions, feelings which I would love to share but I can never find the right words”- You may not realize it, Jana, but you just found the right words. Your message beautifully expresses your heartfelt emotions and your desire to share them. That, to me, is the essence of good writing.

It’s not about being perfect; it’s about expressing your true self. You’ve done that here, and I believe you have a natural gift for it. Keep sharing your feelings, and the right words will continue to come.

“Of course, I am okay with that. Why do you think that I wouldn’t be?”- because I was wondering if you felt that I was making your thread more about me than about you. Many of my replies to you were long or very long. Do you prefer shorter replies in your thread?

“It is not so black and white. I think that suffering, traumas, pain can give us good things, too… even though it takes time to understand that.”- the positive outcomes from suffering, trauma, and pain emerge, when they do, after these experiences are processed, understood, and healed from. Gaining insight into what and who caused the trauma, insight into the effect of the trauma on one’s behavior, mental- emotional health is necessary for healing, as well as allowing oneself to feel and process emotions associated with trauma and pain (giving emotions the space they need). Suppressing or ignoring these feelings hinder recovery.

Healing is often an ongoing journey, as you know. It’s a continuous process of growth, learning, and self-discovery, and it is a pleasure 😊for me, Jana, to witness your growth, learning and self- discovery as you express yourself in your various threads and replies to other members❤️

anita