Dear Seaturtle:

I’ll reply today in a different way, different from quoting and commenting. First, thank you for your support and kindness in response to what I shared with you recently!

The title of the book by itself “Living from a place of Surrender” is powerful. I see it as surrendering to what I cannot change, which first takes SEEING that which I don’t like (and cannot change). Connecting this to N, maybe you can add Surrender to the list of the stages of a breakup that you wrote about in your journal entry (May 13).

Seeing him clearly and then surrendering to the truth of what you see can free you from going back to fighting within-you, trying to.. change him still, even after the breakup (in your thoughts and dreams, perhaps)

And seeing him clearly is seeing that he didn’t see you. He only saw a bit of something here, a bit of something there. It is amazing how blind a person can be to another in a supposed intimate relationship. It’s like being Anonymous for the person you love. He told you that he loved you, but he can’t tell you who.. you are.

There is a book titled People of the Lie: The hope for Healing Human Evil. I imagine you, Seaturtle, authoring a book one day, with a title like People who don’t See the Ones they claim to Love: The Hope for healing Human Blindness. Something like that.

anita

Adding to my above reply: instead of giving in to your discomfort and going back to Alicante, transcend your discomfort and stay in Warsaw. Focus on being grateful, caring and kind to your girlfriend and to her mother, the people who opened their little home to you.

anita

Dear Sam:

You are welcome, and thank you for your appreciation and the virtual hug: received!

“I don’t think I’m of a unique, holier breed“- good to know that you know that you are human.

“She frequently has jerky movements, and spills drinks or food all over the place”- she shouldn’t be in charge of a baby.

“I did bring this up, while we were talking about the future, and she dismissed it saying she could wear a baby harness or something of that kind”-  she dismissed your words, your input.

“Right now, I consider myself very independent, and value a partner who can accomplish tasks on their own too (not that we wouldn’t help each other!)“- fair and reasonable.

“She did ask me if that was a dealbreaker“- she is primarily, or solely (so it seems), concerned with her interest (to keep you with her), not with your interest (to be okay with being with her).

“and I had to quickly dismiss the question as she became distressed“- she has learned that showing distress serves her interest; it works for her.

“She told me that she could get cancer after we get married, would that mean I would leave her? I don’t think that’s quite the same as it’s not something that’s known beforehand“- she is arguing, logical integrity sacrificed the purpose of winning the argument (winning= keeping you with her).

“She said she appreciated me helping her out with tasks she struggles with (like getting heavier plates, or extra napkins, etc.) without probing too much into her condition. Perhaps she felt that this insinuated I would step into the role of a caregiver effortlessly, and as required if necessary?” – yes, without asking any questions, without her having to answer questions: she wants an obedient, no-questions-asked caregiver.

“I know I’ve treated her well, as she ought to be treated, and flipside of that is, I deserve honesty and deserved trust like you say.“- you can continue to treat her well, to help her (and other ataxia-patients, perhaps) as a volunteer.

My advice: Help her as a friend/ volunteer; don’t Marry her.

anita

Dear BirdSong747/ Sam:

I spent a few hours reading all your posts thoroughly and attentively and replying, including reading about ataxia (Wikipedia, Mayo clinic, other).

(I am adding the boldface feature selectively to the quotes)”I truly love her and can see us spending the rest of my life together… Her neurological condition and the uncertainty surrounding its progression… could potentially impact my role in caring for her“-

– can you indeed see yourself possibly spending the rest of your- or her life- in the role of a caregiver?

You brought up a few issues: an age gap, different countries and races, finances, future children, parents’ disapproval of considered marriage, arranged marriages and..  cerebellar ataxia where any function that’s dependent on muscles can be compromised: moving the legs (walking), moving the arms and hands (holding and manipulating objects), moving the eyes (looking), moving the mouth/ tongue/throat (speaking, swallowing).

I suggest that you put aside, for now, all the other issues and address two issues: her medical condition and having children.

“She struggles with fine motor control, balance...my girlfriend’s cerebellum ataxia… the brain damage is permanent“- does she currently struggle with significant fine motor control and balance dysfunction that will make it unsafe for a baby to be held by her?

Does she currently struggle with significant fine motor control and balance dysfunction that will make it difficult for her to feed, change, bathe and protect the baby from harm? If the answer to any of this is Yes, then whether she gives birth or adapts a baby.. someone else will need to hold and take care of the baby/ toddler/young child (perhaps you, a nanny, a grandparent..?)

Moving away from the topic of children, you wrote: “Despite these challenges, I’ve come to realize why I’m so drawn to her: * We work well together as a couple… While she’s currently pretty independent and can accomplish most tasks on her own, there is always the uncertainty surrounding whether her condition will progress or remain stable. I do help her out with some things right now as they are hard for her”-

– if her medical condition deteriorates, the relationship will change, will it not, from that of a couple to that of a caregiver and a care-recipient?

“Despite these challenges, I’ve come to realize why I’m so drawn to her: …* We share similar moral values... I want to be upfront about this because I believe that being honest about our challenges and concerns is an important part of building trust with one another… I asked more questions about her ataxia, which made her feel upset because she thought I was considering whether it would be a deal-breaker. She felt like I was weighing the pros and cons of being in a relationship with someone who has this condition“-

– you have a significant difference in honesty regarding a major issue: her medical condition. Honesty, being upfront, and trust are huge moral values. To inquire about her medical condition, to discuss it (gently, compassionately), is the moral thing to do: it’s the right thing to do, not only for your sake, for the sake of a possible future child.. and for the sake of a grandparent who might feel pressured to care for a baby whose mother is incapable, but also for her sake.

Notice her response to your inquiry about her medical condition: she subtly accused you, did she not, of being calculating, insensitive.. cold-hearted for considering pros and cons. From attentively reading and re-reading your words, I see that your logical approach is wrapped in a very warm, empathetic heart.

Is it possible that she is so cared of losing you, at times, that she has moments when she resorts- or is in the process of resorting- to guilt-tripping you as a way of keeping you, as in suggesting (not in an upfront, honest way), something like: if you leave me, Sam, it would mean that you are a bad person! ?

“once I make a commitment through marriage with her (assuming we get there, and it looks pretty likely!), I’m gonna be there for her no matter what… What’s hard to find online are stories about people living normal lives with ataxia. Most folks I’ve read about are wheelchair-bound and lack autonomy”-

– what will your story be if you marry her: will it be a story of Honesty, Transparency and Deserved Trust, on your part, and on her part.. in sickness and in health?

Look for clarity and answers in the story as it is now before you commit, if you do.

anita

Dear Zenith: A colonoscopy in India..? I’d think you would have had it done in the U.S., where you live. But regardless, better get it over with before your stay with your mother. It’s almost 6 am in India, I assume you’ll be having it in the afternoon. Any particular reason you have it at your age (younger).. and in India?

About being overwhelmed, think of the nice sedative you’ll receive when you’re there. I had only one colonoscopy in my life, and once given the sedative.. I had such a good time during the procedure (I am not exaggerating, the drug was that .. effective!)

anita

Dear Zenith:

I bet you are looking forward to spending the rest of your vacation with your mother. I hope you get along with your sister (who I believe is living with your mother still).

anita