Dear Anonymous03:

I just re-read our communication on this thread and will now read your recent reply, reading and replying to one part before reading and replying to the next part:

“I feel I need to address what you said in your last post, for I do not agree with them and felt that what you think and said rather invalidates and dismisses my feelings and experiences. To be honest, it did infuriate me“- having re-read today the Oct 3 post you are referring to, I am not surprised that it infuriated you and I sincerely apologize: portions of my post were.. unskilled at best, accusatory.. I am embarrassed that I produced such a post.

I figure that the reasons for it are:  (1) I tend to focus on one explanation to a situation and then go back and interpret all past aspects of the situation according to that one explanation, not seeing the bigger picture and considering other explanations, (2) Interestingly, being so worried that you will get angry with me.. I was expressing anger with you. I think that I was re-experiencing anger at my mother by proxy of you, accusing you of what she- my mother- was truly guilty of: I accused you of often being angry (with your boyfriend)  because .. she was often angry with me. I accused you of often fighting with him, of being passive-aggressive and having no empathy for him when angry because.. my mother often fought, was aggressive and passive-aggressive, at different times, and she had no empathy for me the great majority of the time.

I never really confronted my mother in regard to these things, so.. I used you as a substitute for her and confronted you. I am sorry for having done this.. I didn’t know, wasn’t aware that I did this until this very morning.

“However, my intention is to let you know how your words have made me feel, not distress you, so I hope that does not happen. I want you to imagine me saying all of this calmly, with a soft tone. I am not yelling at you in any way“- this is very kind and considerate of you, and how emotionally intelligent it is for you to ask me to imagine you saying these things calmly, with a soft tone. I will do my best to imagine this.

(I will be selectively adding the boldface feature to the following quotes): “As I said earlier in this thread, I do not think I am ‘projecting’ my mother, and your repeatedly suggesting the same is invalidating my feelings and experiences”-

-On Sept 23, you wrote to me: “I appreciate your insights, but respectfully, I do not think my feelings towards my mom are affecting things in this case“. After you wrote this, I indeed repeatedly suggested that your feelings towards your mother were (greatly) affecting things with your boyfriend. That was disrespectful. I indeed invalidated your feelings expressed in that Sept 23 quote.

“While one’s relationships with one’s parents are influential, they are not all that influence one’s life and feelings. What you are saying about projection is reducing me down to a child with a difficult relationship with their parent. And by extension you are saying that the anger and hurt I felt at my boyfriend’s behaviour toward me was only a result of that difficult relationship, and I should not be feeling angry because it is misplaced anger I felt toward my mother”-

– I didn’t give you credit for being an intelligent and resourceful adult. I expressed an attitude that suggested that you are unaware… while all along, I was unaware that I projected my mother into you (and myself into your boyfriend).

“But I bet even a person who has a good relationship with their parents would be angry and hurt at their partner scolding them for an hour and personally attacking them with things they confided in their partner. I feel unsafe sharing things with my boyfriend because he used them against me, to hurt me, in a fight; feeling unsafe like that has everything to do with how he behaved with me (which has happened again since I last replied on this thread) and nothing to do with my mother”-

– having been invested in my projection of my mother into you, and my innocent, young self into your boyfriend,  I filtered out what you shared in boldface above.

“I did not feel unsafe like this with my ex. I think anybody would feel the same way. Saying my anger toward my boyfriend is a result of life-long anger towards my mother is dismissing my experience with my boyfriend. Yes, I was scolded a lot as a child, and it affects me if someone scolds me today. But wouldn’t it affect anyone, if their partner scolded them for a long time, irrespective of their mother?”-

– Yes, it would affect anyone. Maybe the fact that you were scolded a lot as a child is one reason (one of a few perhaps, keeping the bigger picture principle in mind), that you tolerated being scolded by him.

“Like I said, while relationships with parents are influential, your character and your perception of the world is based on an interaction among lots of factors. And yet, some things are objectively uncool, like your boyfriend attacking you. I feel you are reducing me down to this one part of my life and assume a lot of things about me, which is unfair to me. For example, in one of the threads, I had mentioned my mother was a single mother, and you immediately assumed that my father had left us, when the reality is that my father died a sudden death, and he actually loved my mother and me very much. Not only did you make an assumption, your choice of words was rather harsh, attacking my mother, which I really had not appreciated. I wish you would see me as a whole person, with lot many experiences you may be unaware of, instead of just a scared and angry little girl”-

– I assumed and jumped to conclusions while under the influence of a confused projection. I remember now: at first, I projected my mother into your mother. When you defended your mother, I got angry with you, feeling that.. you were defending my mother. This is when in my mind, with no awareness, I shifted my projection of my mother into yours, to => projecting my mother into you.

On Sept 11, 2023, in this thread, I wrote to you: “We communicated first in April 2021, and then in Dec 2021- Jan 2022. You were living with your mother at the time, angry at her, fighting with her and feeling guilty about it… It was/ is a very troubled relationship…  If you are still living with her,.. (are you?), I have no doubt that it affects your current relationship  negatively, and that it is a part of your anger at him. Any truth to what I am pointing to?“, and you responded two days later: “No, I do not live with my mom. I’ve moved out. And to be honest, things between us are fantastic.“-

– Looking back, this is where I got angry at you for.. siding with your mother (siding with her .. against me, according to my projection), and I shifted my projection of my mother into you. Having a fantastic relationship with her meant that you took my projection (of me into you) away from me.

“About my mother, we have a difficult relationship, and now I can see why because I see her as a whole person, not just my mother. I see all that she has done for me, all that she has given me despite some very serious difficulties she faced… I can see her understand things about me and see her actively try with me. I have chosen to let go of the bitterness I had about her, because really it was serving nobody.

“I am sorry that you had such a hard time with your mother. But I think you are projecting yourself onto me because you can relate to me in that both of us have a difficult relationship with our mothers. But my life and circumstances, and my feelings and thoughts and how I react to situations, are different than yours. I wish you keep that in mind too“-

– Thank you. I understand that your feelings, thoughts and reactions are different from mine.

“About this instance, I would like to clarify that I was not riddled with self-doubt when he talked about my becoming a therapist. I was hurt that he chose to throw it at me like that… I do not in any way disagree that I can be unempathetic and rude at times, but I was also 100% willing to work on it, which is why I told him to point it out to me when I am being like that, because I am unaware of it and would very much like not to hurt him. I hope my words are not too harsh, for I have done my best to be mindful of your feelings and be honest at the same time. Hope you’re doing well..”-

– Your clarifications noted. I am well enough, thank you. Your words were not harsh and you’ve done an excellent job being mindful of my feelings and honest at the same time. I am grateful to you for offering me this valuable learning experience. It is a gift, thank you.

I will close this post with my apology to you: I regret having directed my anger at you. You were always kind to me and did not at all deserve my anger. I will be mindful- in the future- to not reply to members while under the influence of projections-gone-wild, so to speak. I will do my best to never again confront my mother by proxy of any member in these forums.

anita

Dear anonymous03: I read a bit of your post and reads like you are giving me your honest reaction to my past input, I appreciate it and will read further and reply to you in about 12 hours from now.

anita

Dear Greenshade:

You are welcome and thank you for being the good person that you are. Looking forward to your reflection/ to getting to know more about you.

anita

Dear Arden:

You shared that you’ve been living and working in a different (colder/ no sunlight) country for about three months, that your department may be shut down, that you’ve been a bit depressed but coping, trying to go to the gym every chance you get, and you’re hoping that your boyfriend will join you soon.

“I have been very aggressive lately… My mind has been aggressive, my tolerance has been below zero for the first time in a very long time…  I am just aggressive, sometimes I rant about some stuff (other people, work, world issues, selfish people) and that’s it…. I realized how selfish a friend is and I have shown no tolerance to her but also didn’t have a fight or an argument. I am just ignoring… not asking how she is and not offering my help… No tolerance ‘to some people’ policy feels weird but right. It seems like I might end up with just 1-2 friends at the end, though.”-

– Excellent progress, I say!  In the past you craved affection so much, and you were so anxious about losing any affection that you received, that you were too accommodating to people, too sacrificial, weren’t you? Now, you are not accommodating the friend you mentioned. Your No Tolerance Policy to some people is way preferrable to Tolerating a very unbalanced relationship in terms of give and take.

You asked me how I am: there is not much sunlight here where I live, and it gets totally (!) dark by 5 pm. Keeping physically active, at least 2-3 hours a day, helps me a lot to feel better. I am guessing you feel better every time you do to the gym, and that regular communication with your boyfriend also helps.. a lot, doesn’t it?

Do you think that the department you are working for will surely be shut down, and if so, what is your plan, I wonder.

anita

* Correction: Dear Seaturtle (lol)  I copied your post, including the Dear Anita, before responding and forgot to edit.

Dear Rosie:

I had too much to say on the topic you brought up that I might have not said the potentially helpful things, so I will try to do it this early Saturday morning:

“I feel weighed down by the problems of others. I am someone who cares a lot about family… I love my family and I want the best for them. My mother is in her 60s she suffers from arthritis. Her bones are weak and she has to walk up stairs to get to her second floor apartment every day. She works at a factory and doesn’t make much money… I worry about her (younger sister) because the last relationship she was in was abusive and sometimes I think maybe she’ll go back…”-

– I am not at all religious, but there is a prayer that I find very helpful, it’s called The Serenity Prayer, it says: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference“.

Here is how I see this prayer relevant to you: there is absolutely nothing you can do- and nothing you (or anyone) can ever do- to cure your mother’s arthritis, to strengthen her bones, or to make her be younger than her age. So these things you have to accept, to make peace with in your mind and heart, simply because there is nothing you can do to change them. If you make peace with these items, they’ll stop weighing you down.

You can’t do go back in time and change your mother’s childhood and younger adulthood so to see to it that she gets an education or training that will make it possible for her to have a better paying and easier job than factory work, and that she’d be retired by now. You were not born yet when she was a child and a younger adult. So, you have to accept and make peace with her working in a factory. Make peace with it, and it will stop weighing you down.

When I say make peace with it, I mean, however sad you feel that she has arthritis etc., there is nothing positive about you suffering over things you cannot change: it is of no help to her- or anyone- that you suffer over things you cannot change.

So, be Sad about these things, but do not Suffer.

There is very little, if anything, that you can do to prevent your younger sister from resuming her abusive relationship. Tell her what you think, offer her specific things that you are able and willing to do to help her, and then let it go: accept that there is nothing else that you can do and come to peace with it. With acceptance and peace, it will stop weighing you down.

There is a term in modern psychotherapy called Radical Acceptance. It means to really, totally accept.. to accept all the way.

Instead of wasting your energy aka suffering over things you cannot change, direct your saved energy toward things that you can change. If I was you, I’d make a concrete list of the things that I can and should change at this time in your life for the benefit of all. If you would like to, you are welcome to make the list here or otherwise post again with your thoughts and feelings. I would like to communicate with you further and I wish you well!

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I too don’t have much time, so I’ll reply further Sat morning, but for now, as to “How was I so badly tricked? there was real love in the relationship right?“- on your part there was real love because you re really honest, and you are capable of feeling empathy for another. On his part, as it is for everyone, his love quality is not separate and independent from the quality (or lack of) his character. His “love” is as good as who he is. More tomorrow.

anita

Dear Greenshade/ M:

You are very welcome and thank you for welcoming me back to the forums!

You detailed the reasons why, in your country, you can’t live with a man who you are not married to (and you need to live with  man so to be able to “(see) their behavior up close before committing“), that you are afraid that if you have men over to your apartment, you might lose your housing, and your social life is limited in other ways.