Dear Seaturtle:

“I have thought a lot about hatch in this breakup and definitely do not want to have empathy for her mountain lion (let’s say shark)“- being that you are a sea turtle, it is definitely more appropriate to take my imagery of the mountain lion & deer) underwater.

A bit of  preparatory research, from ocean faun. com: “Sharks typically look at anything smaller than themselves as a potential food source. So, if sea turtles are smaller, sharks will eat them… In particular, hatchling and juvenile sea turtles are more vulnerable to shark predation than adult ones due to their smaller size and lack of experience in avoiding predators. However, smaller sharks don’t take sea turtles as prey since they can’t overpower the larger sea turtles. Great white, tiger, hammerhead, and bull sharks are some of the more common shark species that feed on sea turtles… Sharks can break the shell of sea turtles in certain cases. Sharks have incredibly strong jaws and sharp teeth, which allow them to crush and tear through most things that it encounters, including the protective shells of sea turtles. While turtle shells are generally tough enough to protect them from most predators, there are some instances when a particularly powerful shark can break the shell, potentially leading to the death of the turtle. This typically occurs when the shark bites with enough force and pressure at a weak point on the shell, such as near its neck or tail. The shark can then use its powerful jaws to break through the hard outer layer of a turtle’s carapace and get inside, where it can feed on the tender flesh beneath. It’s also possible that if a shark has a large enough body size relative to the turtle, it could simply crush it using brute force alone… The natural behavior of sea turtles does not involve attacking anything or defending themselves against potential threats with force or aggression. Rather, sea turtles prefer to flee from danger by swimming away at full speed using their strong flippers and long tails. While this technique is usually successful in avoiding predators such as sharks, there are some instances where a shark may be too fast for a turtle to outswim it”.

Okay, so the imagery change: You are a sea turtle and N is a shark. Your best defense is to swim away from him as fast as you can (No Contact). If the sea turtle has empathy for the shark, that very empathy will slow it down or make it stop its fleeing altogether, ending with the sea turtle being prey.

Back to your yesterday post: “It is hurtful when someone defends a shark in your life, because it invalidates you and I don’t want to do this to myself. So I am open to evaluating my shark now. This creature has always been an interesting but very frightening creature for me… They eat Seaturtles, part of my evidence into believing I am a reincarnated sea turtle. I do not believe this so strongly, it is more of a little feeling that could be true, but who knows what really is true when these matters come to the surface. Anyways, is there anything specifically you think I should evaluate about N?“-

– No, just keep No Contact with the shark. Think of some people as predators because.. many people are, unfortunately, and in so many ways. When dealing with a Predator, your first priority should be- must be (if you are to survive) to not be Prey.

“Do you think he knows he was manipulating?“- yes, he knows. But he doesn’t know-know, meaning he doesn’t think deeply about it, just as he doesn’t think deeply about anything that he doesn’t find it necessary to think about. Unlike you, he is not curious to grow, gain wisdom, and understand life and the meaning of it.

“When I would sense this lack of love or respect, I would bring it up to him and he would act as though I offended him. ‘How could you not feel loved after..’ listing things like coming to see my family, being there when I cry etc. I would then get confused and think I was just ungrateful. I would mention the respect, and he would say ‘you think I would stay with someone I didn’t respect?’“-

– he doesn’t give any thought to your questions and concerns, instead he throws them back at you. He is about deflecting, accusing, denying, guilt-tripping,  gaslighting.. He is about Winning, no matter the cost. He is not about growing, gaining wisdom, and understanding life and the meaning of it.

“This makes me relieved that this lack of feeling sad/upset is revealing of some positive change inside me. I hope to get better at seeing the positive changes as a result of the work I have done and am doing.“-I am glad. Please do keep your crown chakra open and your light bright, and you will enjoy a rare clarity about “the difference between gut and fear in relationships“!

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I will reply Thurs morning, but for now:  is there anything specifically you think I should evaluate about N?”- I misspoke when I suggested to reevaluate N: I didn’t mean to evaluate him further. I meant to let the re-evaluation already done sink in. The past evaluation was that he was a stand up guy and an emotionally supportive boyfriend. The re-evaluation is that he has been a dishonestly manipulative boyfriend, a gaslighter. More tomorrow.

anita

Dear Priyan:

“If she really did have feelings for me, she would have shown that, yes?“- I suppose she did show feelings for you when kissing you, hugging you, cuddling, etc., but she has a complexity of feelings and her most relevant and dominant  feeling in regard to you is that she wants space from you, and she views the relationship negatively enough to fear that it “might hurt” her (her words).

“Should I give her the space she asked for and wait until she gets back to me with an answer or should I just walk away? I know it is going to hurt either way, but, will the pain be any less if I walk away?“-

– I think that walking away and letting her know that you are walking away from her is a better choice because it is the choice where you are exercising some control over your life. On the other hand, to “wait until she gets back to (you)” is a choice where you give her control over you.

Like you said, either way it will hurt, but better that you hurt while having some power/ control over what happens in your life than hurting while powerless, waiting and depending on what she might or might not feel, say and do at any one time in the future. Does this make sense to you?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

You mentioned earlier that you read the book The Empath’s Survival Guide. Here is a quote from the book that reads relevant to your current situation: “What makes an empath’s overload symptoms worse? Fatigue, illness, rushing, traffic, crowds, loud environments, toxic people, low blood sugar, arguing, overwork, chemical sensitivities, too much socializing, and feeling trapped in overstimulating situations such as parties and cruises. Any combination of these conditions intensifies an empath’s overload. Therefore, keep the following in mind: stress + low blood sugar = drama and exhaustion.”

Here is another quote that reads relevant: “Empaths may unknowingly get involved with toxic partners and become anxious, depressed, or ill. They give their hearts too easily to narcissists and other unavailable people. Empaths are loving and expect others to be that way, which doesn’t always happen. They also absorb their partner’s stress and emotions, such as anger or depression, simply by interacting with them,”.

And another: ““You may also freeze around inauthentic people, which can convey aloofness — but this is clearly a protective device. Some empaths prefer socializing online to keep others at a distance, so there’s less of the tendency to absorb their discomfort and stress.”

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I am not focused right now but I understand enough about your state of mind. I will write more in the morning, but for now, in regard to “it’s too painful to think it was all just blah blah blah”- it was all a whole lot more than blah-blah-blah as far as what it all meant to you, it’s just that he is not like you, he is not the quality of a person that you are.  There are people who APPEAR a certain way, a certain quality, but they are not what they appeared.

Don’t reach out to him. Be true to (as the saying goes in certain 12-step support groups) Principles, not Personalities: principles such as honesty, truthfulness. It’s 7:34 pm here (same as your time). Good night, Seaturtle. I’ll be online for the next 10-20 minutes.

anita

And I hope that you and your roommate soon recover from Covid!

anita

Dear Stacy:

You are welcome. I wish your employers guaranteed that you get a significant raise in the next fiscal year (instead of trying “to reevaluate the raise/ promotion in the next fiscal year”), or better still, that they offered you that raise right away. It may be profitable for them to pay more to a specialist they know and trust than to hire new person, and then another new person, etc., given the high turnover. Is there a way for you to arrange for a significant raise for yourself as a condition for taking the full time job?

“One of my biggest desires in a relationship is just simply being seen and made to feel like I’m special. My dad never paid attention to me and I never even really talked to him. He wasn’t mean to me, just absent. When I got his attention, it made me nervous and like I really had to perform to keep it up. But the attention was fleeting”-

– like it said in the online source I quoted from yesterday, a child learns: a chair is something you sit on,  a school bus is something that takes me to school, and I am…, in your case, I am someone who does not deserve attention because I am not special. If I get any attention, I have to work hard to keep it, but no matter what, any bit of attention will disappear fast!

“That would be a dream come true for me to no longer feel so controlled by what he thinks of me. It’s such an emotional and mental cage to be in”-

-You felt special with your ex at times, for a while, a kind of special that you didn’t feel before, so your feeling of Special is tightly connected to him and what he thinks about you. It is as if he is keeping your Special in a cage, under lock and key, and he is the only one who can bring your Special back to you.

Going back to your Sept 6 original post (3 months and 6 days ago), it is easy to see that he made you feel Special right from the start: “When we met on Hinge, HE asked me what my intentions were from the get go about 2-3 days into talking as he started flirting with me. The pacing felt right and I had never had a guy actually want to go ahead and address motives, intentions with me…  He expressed on many occasions how thankful he was and lucky to have me in his life“-

– notice you typed HE in capital letters. He is The One, and Only One with a key to your Special, to your sense of worth, or esteem. But you did not bask in a euphoric warmth of Specialness day in and day out, throughout the relationship: you felt that he didn’t contact you enough in-between meetings and you were stressed about it, he told you this or that and it worried you, etc. It was more like you having a taste of Special with him, but not even close to having enough of it to satisfy your three-decades-long hunger for Special.

“This relationship made me feel seen and special“, you wrote back in September, but it was not an ongoing, trustworthy kind of feeling-seen-and-special, it was only a taste of it.

On Sept 10,  I wrote to you: “You’ve been giving him too much power over how you feel about yourself, power he didn’t earn and does not deserve: WHO is he to determine your worth? What did he do to deserve this power?… What did he DO to have this power to determine your worth..? He is just a guy you knew nothing about a year ago. It doesn’t really matter what he thinks, what he meant when he said this or that.. except that it matters to you because you give him power that he does not deserve”-

– He gave you a taste of Special, that’s what he did. And he is the only source of this taste that you know about. It is not only the words he uttered that gave you this taste, it is also his privileged and educated family background, and it is also about the way he delivered the words he uttered, something about his style, his mannerism, his way of looking into himself- to an extent- that touched your heart and gave you that taste of Special.

Back to your post of early this morning: “I can easily get men to find me intriguing or interesting to talk to at first, and then once they meet me in real life, or spend so many months together, they always start losing interest. It’s very difficult to not internalize this pattern of men repeatedly being so enthusiastic about me and so wanting to love and invest in me and then completely exiting the picture. It’s draining and makes me feel crazy. It’s what we’ve talked about here: this theme of inconsistency with the people closest to me.“-

– I am imagining that I am a man your age and I meet you, a very soon (in four days) 32-year-old woman, and she gives me a lot of positive attention (like that which you gave your ex). I imagine that I feel very good about it and want more of it. I feel important and I like it. But then I realize that I feel too important to her, that any word I say, any silence in between words, anything minor about what I say and do, is MAJOR to her, as in any word I say can make or break her.. I have too much power, I start feeling uncomfortable, so I withdraw.

Could this be an explanation to the pattern/ theme you mentioned above?

anita

Dear Stacy:

I suggest that (unless you already did this) that you find out when the work health insurance kicks in: immediately or after a number of months that you work full time (?), as well what services offered (ex., how many no-cost of hospitalization days each offers) and the costs of each service, and very importantly: how many counseling sessions each offers, how frequently (once a week, once  month..?) and at what cost, if any.

Also, is there any security offered to you if you take the full time job, or is it possible or likely that you will be fired at any time? It will be a shame to give up Medicaid, start the new insurance only for it to be terminated if and when fired.

anita

Hi Anita I can’t thoroughly respond as I’m at work right now on my phone, but in reference to your suggestion I stay part time and keep my Medicaid: if I get full time at this job, I will be eligible for their health insurance plan. So I will still receive some help, but it won’t be as good as what I have now. Also, I’ll be making twice as much in a month since I’ll be working more hours and I thought this may help me to start actually saving to move out of this house. I think you definitely have a good point though and it’s why the decision is so tough…