MeRRy   ChRistmas    Nate!

anita

Dear Arden:

First, I hope that you had already let your mother know that your uncle (her brother) is not welcome in your apartment, where your boyfriend currently live, and that if you already agreed that he stays there, that you will let your mother (and uncle)  know that you changed your mind, and that it’s not okay with you for him to stay there!

“Thank you Anita, it’s decided that I will have to leave and find a new job, I’ll do that with the best of my abilities. Grieved a bit, it feels like my grief is ending slowly and then I will work on improving myself for another job where I wouldn’t be treated like this“- You are welcome. Your positive attitude in face of this challenge is inspiring!

(I am adding the boldface feature to the following selectively): “On the other side, I am seeing examples of how other ‘care-free’ people, how other irresponsible people gets to be treated with lots of help…. This week we have heard that my uncle’s heart condition has gotten a bit serious and he’s in need of a serious treatment or he’ll just die. My mom called me to ask, ‘if we can find a treatment, can he stay at your apartment during the treatment? (where my current BF lives)‘ I told her that I would do my best, it’s not exactly my house right now since he lives in it. I’ll ask kindly and I’ll hope he’ll accept that. However, then I got angry. The reason why he got this sick is that he continued with his terrible alcoholism even after a heart attack… My mother has supported that family a lot. A lot that she actually has been a mother to my uncle when she was supposed to be my mother…. My uncle visited our house every week asking for money, crying, telling about his own terrible life and conditions… I am…  honestly, very very much sick of this shit where care-free people always count on others and somehow always get something from them…Maybe because of the fact that her (your mother’s) parents died young, she always felt the need to take care of her siblings. They were 8 brothers and sisters..”.-

-Seems to me that your mother indeed took the mother role in her family-of-origin, mothering her siblings, but she didn’t take the mother role in regard to her real-life daughter! And as a  result: (1) your uncle (her sibling) remained a child in the sense of being irresponsible and leaving his care in the hands of others, and (2) you became too responsible at an early age, not having had the opportunity to enjoy a care free childhood.

Your anger is understandable and there is no good reason that you follow suit and .. be a mother to your uncle, for crying out loud!

“Last year, there has been an incident where my uncle was a guest in my mom’s house, I was not there, and he drank too much alcohol and then attacked randomly“- reason enough to not expose your boyfriend to your uncle’s alcoholism and aggression!

“Maybe you already know this, but in Muslim countries, there are festive periods in each year where old people in the family give money to young ones, like rituals. Stuff like Ramadan or stuff like that, children always collect money and count it, feel better, etc. They have never given me that experience. I was never able to collect money like that, like a normal child. So I still feel resentment towards that”-

– Your resentment is understandable: as a child,  you were not given the experience of being a child, a care-free child whose care is in the hands of older people in the family. You couldn’t relax into the careless experience appropriate to being a child. You had to be careful.

“me persuading my BF into staying with my uncle can harm us“- Please do not allow your uncle to stay in your apartment!

“We have talked with my BF today… He told me that last year, he has sent money to his sister (which is one year older than me) so that she could buy an expensive phone…  Instead, she went and bought a tv and then that tv got faulty… He just told me this story making fun of this. ‘She could’ve bought the phone and then she wouldn’t need the tv, which she cannot use anymore anyways, lol” in type of way. Not sounding resentful in any way. Not blaming her… I think of what I was told, when everyone else was handed in nice phones around 2009-2010, and I also wanted one for myself, but never had courage to ask for it, from anyone…  I have never asked anything from him (your father) and always got my stuff myself…  It wasn’t that he didn’t have money by the way, but he basically didn’t like spending on us”-

– Understandably, you feel some envy at people who- not only as children, but also as adults- ask for what they want and get what they want while you did not have this experience yet, not as a child, and not as an adult.

I imagine that as a young child, when you naturally expressed a desire for something and asked for it (ex., ice-cream, a toy), your father reacted with anger and blamed you for asking. As a result, you stopped asking. When you see someone asking and receiving and then, not being blamed for asking, not even for doing something wrong (buying a TV instead of a phone, in this case), it’s infuriating, isn’t it?

“He was surprisingly good to others... He was never giving to me, never generous to me in any way, but always trying to impress others… He also tried to impress my friends, probably aiming to impress their families. This has harmed me a lot. Even turned me against my friends… I spill something in the house, and I was treated so bad. But a friend of mine, a guest, spills something, breaks something, acts care-free, and doesn’t get anything besides more good behaviors. I saw all that, couldn’t say anything”- his behavior was terrible to you, no doubt and he indeed harmed you emotionally and socially.

“Maybe I still feel conflicted, confused about these… Then there were financial instabilities in his life… I didn’t want to ask from him in a bad way, so I just said to myself, one more month of rent, one more…. he offered me his help in different ways. I haven’t taken most of them… But learning about how he actually sent lots of money to his sister for a phone, which is older than me, feels bad”-

– again, what you feel is understandable and a natural consequence of your particular experience with your very stingy and two-faced father. As a child, for the purpose of being a good daughter to your father, to please him, to get his (unavailable) love and avoid his anger and blaming, you learned to NOT ASK.

Fast forward, to be a good person, you still don’t ask for money or gifts, so to not burden other people, but you observe that other people ASK and GET money and gifts.. and affection for asking.

To be a good girlfriend, you didn’t ask your boyfriend for financial help when you needed it, and rejected most of his offers to help, but then, you found out that his money- which didn’t go to your rent (a necessity)- went to his sister for a phone, a luxury. I understand how disturbing it feels!

“I hate these thoughts, I shouldn’t be thinking about these stuff. But I do. I haven’t said anything when he told me that, I just responded randomly and then we got off the phone and then I started crying. Writing these, I see it more clearly, but I don’t think sharing these thoughts with him would result in a good way. Maybe omitting the sister part, and then talking about it would make more sense”-

– Please don’t hate your thoughts or your feelings: anyone (!) with the same childhood experience with your father that you experienced, would think and feel the same way!

It’s a good thing on your part that you realize that your unfortunate experience with your father is not your boyfriend’s fault, he didn’t create this emotional wound within you, and you didn’t blame him. This makes you a good person and a good girlfriend. I suggest that you do share these feelings with him (in a non-accusatory way, of course) because like you, he is a good person, and maybe he will be able to help you emotionally, if you share more with him.

“My BF is a generous person, I know that in theory, feeling it, but haven’t experienced that yet in a way that would make me sure”- your unfortunate experience with your father prevented you from knowing how it feels in practice to receive gifts. Hopefully, you will get to experience this in-practice bit by bit. But it won’t be easy to change what you learned from your experience with your father.

“it feels like I’ve just poured 20 years of wound. It was painful to write, and think but I somehow feel more relief. Still surprised that all those came out after one sentence from my BF. It was just a funny memory to him. I cried for more than an hour writing those, feels very weird. I cried about stuff that has happened 15 years ago, 3,033 kms away. How much distance does that make? Looked up the kilometers btw“-

– It is indeed amazing how painful childhood experiences follows us for years, for decades.. and over great distances across the world. It is so because the distance that matters most in the way we experience life is the short distance in-between our ears. Our brains get formed during our childhoods, aka our Formative Years, and we take our brains with us wherever we go.

Healing and re-learning is possible, and you are proof of it: you have been in this unique process of healing and re-learning for a long time: excellent work, Arden, I am impressed and inspired by you!

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

*This post might appear with lots of excess print, so I may resubmit it next.

You are welcome.. and thank you for growing, the world is a better place because you are!

As a response to my suggestion that a lifetime with N could have been a bad trip, you wrote: “When I read this it was scary because it feels true“.

* “I will be very intentional when I try out a Buddhist community, is there a specific reason it would be more beneficial with an open crown chakra?“-

– From Wikipedia/ Buddhism and violence: “Buddhist scripture condemns violence in every form. Ahimsa, a term meaning ‘not to injure‘, is a primary virtue in Buddhism. However, Buddhists have historically used scriptures to justify violence or form exceptions to commit violence for various reasons. <sup id=”cite_ref-2″ class=”reference”></sup><sup id=”cite_ref-:1_3-0″ class=”reference”></sup>As found in other religious traditions, Buddhism has an extensive history of violence dating back to its inception”. The entry has a long list of examples from various countries.

From The New York Times/Why are we surprised when Buddhists are Violent? (March 2018)“: “Most adherents of the world’s religions claim that their traditions place a premium on virtues like love, compassion and forgiveness, and that the state toward which they aim is one of universal peace. History has shown us, however, that religious traditions are human affairs, and that no matter how noble they may be in their aspirations, they display a full range of both human virtues and human failings.

– We tend to interpret our parents’ behaviors (particularly misbehaviors) in the best possible light, so to see the best (or the least-worst) in them. Maybe he is not selfish and unaware, but selfish, aware that he is selfish and.. okay with it. His explanation that he was under the impression that you were free only in the morning reads like something he came up with after your conformation, so to (retroactively) excuse why he didn’t keep his word to you, or why he misled you (?).

“I told him about my financial issues and he gave me the money I needed for rent and a medical bill, as a gift! with no payment plan back, he has never given without those strings before.“- I am glad to read this!

“I have had several dreams about N, and in every one we try to be friends and it always left me with some sort of negativity, I think my dreams are telling me something“- I am kind-of telling you the same.

“And you are right that I cannot change what is happening in his family“- remember this fact.

“What do you mean by hope can reawaken?“-

– I was referring to what you wrote on Dec 19: “I am no longer ‘in-love’ with him. I gave up hope that he is the right partner for me”. You gave up that hope and fell out of love with him; if you regain that hope.. you may fall back in-love with him.

“When the voice of doubt, of my decision to leave N, comes I am able to reason it away every time. I either think of what I do wish for in a partner that was not in N, or I think about those moments N shut down my feelings or attempts to bond with him deeper. One of these voices of doubt is that N will self actualize and become the man I needed him to be.. is this what you mean by hope can reawaken?”-

– yes, I meant the hope (like I wrote above before reading this part) that he will be the right partner for you.. once he actualizes himself, if he does, which is unlikely because most people don’t change core beliefs and MO-s (habitual ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving) as adults.

“Well back at you because this made me smile for the first time today and I have been awake a few hours!“- back at you again (smile, Sun 9:30 am)

“Does a woman like this exist? is this who N will find as his partner?“, you asked regarding a woman with only one chakra, or main chakra, being the sacral chakra- no, I don’t think so. But there are women who will be okay with a superficial relationship, or women who will compromise their deeper needs.

“My trip home so far has certainly made me feel things that I did not predict… First, feeling sad/disappointed he was not at the gate at the airport, this feeling surprised me, but thankfully I was distracted… there is just a lonely feeling associated without him… wishing N was here to experience the joy”- it’s normal/ natural to miss a person you became emotionally attached to.

“I will create a new email address for this platform to be extra safe, I will likely get to it after this trip if that is ok with you”- it’s absolutely fine.

“I wonder how you liked the song/music video?”- listening/ watching it: first, I love the ocean! Her sitting on the shore, on the sand, close to the water makes me think of the sea turtle video I watched such a long time ago. It makes me think of you, a sea turtle in red holding a yellow flower..(I wonder if you look like her, dark hair and eyes.. and so majestic). Now the video is becoming even more beautiful: her dance moves, inspiring, makes me think of you growing and actualizing yourself, becoming more..

She is reaching her hands up to the sky… The music is lovely. The words: “..once you told me/ If something’s missing in me/ To go and find it in you“- you wanted to find it in N, a deeper connection, one where he’d SEE you and the missing part of you… but he refused.

“Merry Christmas!“- and  M e R R Y     C H R i S T M a S   to you, seaturtle!

anita

Dear Seaturtle: I need more time, will be back to you tomorrow, take care!

anita

Dear Arden: I just read the part that you have to leave where you’re at and find a new job. I wish life was easier and simpler for you, Arden. I will be back to your thread in a few hours.

anita

Dear Nate:

In your original post, you attached a link to a tiny buddha blog titled How to tell when someone needs a friend. I read it: “When I was in high school I was shy, to say the least. I guess a more accurate description would be to say that I was insecure. Painfully insecure… too insecure to ever say hi to anyone in any of my classes… There were even some days when I went through the entire school day without speaking a word. I felt utterly alone and certainly friendless. One day, though, for no discernible reason whatsoever, a kid on my school bus started talking to me..  he seemed to actually be listening to what I had to say, and I felt like someone really cared about what I had to talk about… I’ve tried to model myself after this guy since then. To be a genuinely good listener and to go out of my way to help someone who looks like he or she is having a bad day…  If you know someone who tends to stay removed from groups and conversations, they might simply need someone else to take the initiative. Many people want to talk to their coworkers and peers more—they just don’t know how to start… lonely people tend to spend more time focusing on stressful experiences. People who tend to dwell on their negative experiences—even the seemingly small ones—are likely spending too much time alone…”.

You wrote about the above: “The aim of the article is to help readers identify those whom the article describes. My challenge is that this article describes me perfectly, and it gives no advice to those whom it describes.“- maybe the intended advice is for the lonely, painfully insecure person to look around and identify someone who’s having a bad day, someone who appears distressed and say something to that person, initiate a conversation, and then genuinely listen to what the person is saying. BUT I understand how doing this would be very difficult or impossible for someone who is very shy/ painfully insecure.

I read through the other article that you attached. You wrote that you do the things suggested in the article so to make friends (ex., asking people questions, inviting them to do things with you), but your efforts are not reciprocated,

You shared that you currently live in a standoffish city and you are “quite alone“.  In a few months, you will be moving to a city with a somewhat different culture, and you hope to be “deeply connecting with another person” in the new city.

In my first reply to you, I asked you (I am adding the boldface/ italic feature here): “What kinds of question do you enjoy answering, feeling passionate about answering”, and you answered (to that part of my question): “There are very few questions I won’t answer. I’m an open-book type, I guess you could say. It’s just that the book doesn’t get opened that often“.

I noticed that you didn’t answer what kinds of questions you enjoy answering, or feeling passionate about answering. You answered instead, paraphrased, that you will answer most questions asked. I wonder why.. Is it that you tend to be intellectual rather than emotional?

In your original post, you wrote and asked (again, I am the one adding the boldface feature): “I do get that most people simply aren’t interested in deep relationships… But I am talking about seeking out those still actively seeking… I do get, too, that I may never find that close connection. The point is not to find, because I have no control over that. I just want to be the best seeker I can be. Over that, I do have control. How do I become a better seeker of deep relationships?“-

– Depending on your answer to my above question, the answer may be that you need to seek a deeper connection to your emotional self at the same time that you seek a deeper connection to other people.

I will try to do this here: to seek a deeper connection to my emotional self while, at the same time, seeking a deeper connection with you by sharing this: when I first read your original post, I felt that I am not qualified to answer your question because it is difficult for me to form deep connections with people that last for a long time. Actually, I am quite afraid of such. In my mind, a long-term, deep connection or relationship with someone means pain and suffering, a sense of entrapment. I grew up with a parent in a situation  where my deep connection to her was used and abused. This was my first deep connection experience, and it made me very scared.

anita

Dear Nate:

“People express interest in friendship by asking you questions… How do I become a better seeker of deep relationships?“- I would like to ask you a question for the purpose of seeking a deeper communication with you, if I may:

What kinds of question do you enjoy answering, feeling passionate about answering, and what kinds of questions make you cringe, perhaps, causing you to emotionally withdraw?

anita