Dear Seaturtle:

“All those times he later said ‘oh baby I was joking I just have a weird sense of humor,’ all those times I suspected him of being passive aggressive he was, whether he knew it or not, but wanted me to feel pain“- he knew that he was not joking. He said what he said knowing that he wanted you to feel pain as a result of what he said.

“because what other reason could he have for all those things?“- no other reason.

“I can’t say never because perhaps I am not remembering something, but I did not do this to him….I will let this question sit in my mind right now ‘did I ever intentionally cause him pain?’“- even if you did on one or two occasions want him to feel pain and then saying or doing something with that purpose in mind, it doesn’t make you deserving of a lifetime of this being done to you. The solution is not punishment for you forever more, or even for another day, a week, or month (of resuming a relationship with him). The solution is for you to become more aware and a better and better person over time as far as your action is concerned.

This is my strategy in regard to myself. I am not a finished product: I am still becoming a better person, this is my intent and practice.

Remember that it’s not what we feel but what we do (speech and deeds) over time that makes us god or bad people.

“when he said ‘you care so much about other people’s feelings, that is how I trust that you wouldn’t hurt me.‘”- reads manipulative to me.

“He may try to hurt me now as much as he can with his blocking, and deleting of pictures, and who knows how it will be to pick up my things, maybe I will send a friend, because he can only harm me right?“- I giggle a bit (sorry) thinking about you sending your father to pick up your things. But yes, I wouldn’t go there by myself, if I was you.

“The image of us ending on mature calm states is all in my imagination?“- yes, I think so.

“the only silver lining here is that I am used to him causing me pain at least it is not a shock, as he was shocked. It is almost as if I caused him all the pain he caused me in our whole relationship, within a 10 minute shocking breakup“- I don’t think of him as an emotionally honest person, so even if he uttered words that expressed shock, I don’t know if he felt shocked. (I am sure the breakup was a hurt to his ego, though).

I wrote to you: “from the very beginning, he only had respect for parts of you..”, and you responded: “This is true and so sad. I didn’t start to suspect it until a year in, even though it was all there for me to see but I didn’t want to? or couldn’t?“- I think that your heart and sacral chakras were vibrating so intensely that you were oaky, or almost okay with a lower vibrational crown chakras: yours.. and his.

“- his low vibrational crown chakra is not guiding him to act maturely.”

“This may bring you some satisfaction, as it does me… I said ‘You just have such bad vibes sometimes’ I said it with a look of ‘stay away from me’“- I like that Post yoga, Thanksgiving inspired crown chakra vibration!

“He did not take care of himself, he smoked way too much weed, he claimed it helped with his anxiety…  he was constantly high… When we started living together and I witnessed how much I would ask him to be sober for dates, but then at the date he was much more jittery, EVEN LESS capable of a deep conversation sitting in one place. it bored him beyond belief… I began to want him to smoke so he would chill out and sit with me”-

– I didn’t know of the extent of what seems to be his cannabis use disorder and addiction. This addiction and disorder makes the prognosis for a healthy relationship for him even poorer than I thought before.

“I believe I am way too suspicious of him to allow him in again, and I certainly won’t let myself be around him long enough to get past that suspicion. I admit there is part of me that still thinks he could change“- he could, but what is the statistical chance of that happening.. 1%,  5%?

“There is no benefit to feed into that imagination of his self actualization, if I did, that is when the fly could get tangled again“- I agree.

“I am fairly certain I am the only one he told…  Like I said there were moments he was vulnerable and I did feel it but it was a handful of times in our whole two years together, certainly not enough for a truly intimate relationship”- a handful of percentiles (1-5%) that he would change.

“You are right that he said words don’t matter which is a valid reason to not think his matter, but I am sure he was being truthfully vulnerable here“- there is a saying (paraphrased): even a broken clock is truthful twice every 24 hours.

“With learning so much about my inner child here with you, I tried to share with him the benefits of looking within… (I) helped him open up a little… But then we got back home and it was as if the conversation had never happened and he was smoking and working all day once again and had no energy by the end of the day for a real conversation“- imagine (or not) this being the theme of a lifetime with him…

“This is such a great idea. I read this yesterday and have been thinking of it ever since! at my workout last night I was imagining setting up a community of just freestyle, sober dancing. I don’t think this exists? This really sounds like a lot of fun I am trying to think of where to start!”- don’t know if such exists… something to research perhaps…?

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

“Everything changed after the passing this is why I am still hopeful that she’ll return“- You are hoping that once enough time passes from the time she lost of her cat, once she adequately grieves the loss, she will be back to the way she was with you prior to the loss (“she would get depressed sometimes and stonewall me for 2-3 days“), which is better than no contact with you at all. Do I understand correctly? Would it be okay with resuming a relationship where you are being stonewalled for 2-3 days at a time?

“I can try to be there as a friend if the relationship is the issue”- Question is can you succeed in being there for her as a friend; can you hold back all romantic and physical attraction to her and be there for her as a platonic friend in-practice, day in and day out over a potentially extended period of time?

“Honestly I don’t know what to do anymore or even if there is something I can do, but I would prefer waiting over moving-on from this relationship and the thought that she can do something harmful scares me even more. What would you suggest?”-

– I don’t think that you are emotionally ready to move on, so I wouldn’t suggest that you move on. As far as trying to help her as a friend, before I suggest more, I will wait for your answers to the above, and ask you one more question: did she express suicidal thoughts to you or to anyone else, any gestures in that regard.. and is her drinking and getting drunk a usual occurrence, best you know?

anita

Dear Grace:

“The first day we met, he told me about his trip, which was coming up in about a year and a half from then. He made it clear early on that he would be going on his trip alone because that was his plan, and it was important that he stuck to it“- he was honest with you from the get-go.

“We were together then for about a year and a half and our relationship was great. We were each others best friend, went on vacations… I read something he wrote about me that said ‘I am so in love with her mind. I hope that when I settle down its with her or someone just like her’“- a great pre-trip relationship.

“He’s been gone for about 3 months now. We talk on the phone… It has been so hard, I miss him so much. I feel like I’ve just been waiting on him to come home and not knowing when he will… I haven’t healed at all in 3 months since he left because I am just missing him. It hurts talking and it hurts not talking too…I fully support him being on this trip and having this time, but I want to be with him when he comes home“- I am guessing that during the pre-trip period, while you supported him going on his trip by himself, you did not anticipate it being as difficult as it turned out for you. .. you thought it’d be easier?

I wonder if you are angry with him that he didn’t change his mind during the pre-trip period, and taken you with him, or at least offered for the two of you to travel together?

“I told him yesterday that I can’t be friends anymore, that I need time, and can’t talk for a while… I have so much doubt. Did I do the wrong thing? Should I maintain our relationship or is not speaking at all the better thing to do?… Maintaining things OR moving on and letting him go..“-

– depends on whether you feel angry with him, and depends on whether he promised you that he will remain faithful to you during his trip (?)  or did he say that he is not sure about his future with you following the trip?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I thought about what I said I’ll think about. A disclaimer first: I am the last person in the world.. well, one of the last to ask about making money because of lack of personal experience and interest in the matter of making or earning money. Also, I didn’t research anything online in preparation for my answer. Here is my idea: Seaturtle the Influencer.

I met one influencer in-person a few months ago for the first time and spent a few hours around her, She introduced the word Influencer to me, or the term Online Influencer. Never heard of it before nor did I research it since. She, the Influencer had a strong Presence, and thinking chakras, I can see now that she had (real or the appearance of.. seemed real) a very vibrating heart chakra and her other chakras (sacral and crown, the only two other chakras I know something about) seemed to be vibrating in unison.

You, Seaturtle, are the most chakra vibrating in-unison member I ever communicated with here in the forums, and for a long time. You stand out this way big time. So, therefore, I thought that you have something to offer many people, many thousands, maybe much more, particularly perhaps young people who feel lost in the world of conflict, war and a climate that’s becoming hotter, drier and/ or crazy. Many influencers make money, some make a lot of money (I imagine that primarily sacral vibrations are common among the latter, which has always- since biblical times- a way to make money, and I do not recommend to you, of course).

Now to the rest of your yesterday’s post: “I think it should be part of women’s yearly health to get an ultrasound, my doctor said they don’t get to 15cm over night at it has been growing for several years“- part of preventive care, yes. Wikipedia/ ovarian tumor mentions a 112 lbs. ovarian tumor removed from a 31-year-old patient from Pennsylvania back in 1882. She weighed 187 lbs. before the removal, and 75 lbs. after, so it reads (really???)<sup id=”cite_ref-11″ class=”reference”></sup>

“True. and then again sad for him he won’t ever experience a woman who’s chakras are all open to him, a connection a partner of mine will be lucky to experience with me“- a man lacking the receptors for your chakra vibrations, or a man with Teflon guards around such receptors… will not experience them. Maybe just a bit here and there, a vibration that happens to bypass a guard, in this or that moment, temporarily.

“Dancing sounds fun too, but like free style dancing with loud music and people, I’ve taken dance classes and I don’t like to be told how to dance ha“- I can’t dance in any way other than free style, I can’t follow dance instructions, don’t have that ability. I can see how you- even if you are able to follow such instructions- you wouldn’t, being a free spirit, not wanting to submit to rules (dance rules)?

anita

Dear Stacy:

“It’s so embarrassing that I feel like I should reach out again and just thoroughly apologize for projecting so much onto him and for throwing his issues he struggled with in his face. With no other expectation other than to just apologize. But I try to remember I already did that once”-

– Because of your pre-existing shame, you are overreacting to your.. less than desired, or wrong behavior with him. Guilt is an emotional state that benefits us only to the extent that we correct our wrong behaviors. Any more guilt than what is required for us to correct our wrong behaviors is unnecessary and pointless suffering.

Shame in this context is all unnecessary and pointless suffering. There is a term for it: Toxic Shame.

I hope that you don’t call him and apologize again and instead, correct the part of your behavior that was wrong in the future, with other people. And remember he was and is far from being perfect.

“I know months back that you focused more on how little my behavior had to do with what his behavior and choices were based on his internal struggles of his own, so that’s the only part where I’m a little confused. I don’t know the extent I am responsible for the breakup“-

– Here is what I think: a healthy, satisfying, adult relationship with him was and is not possible because he never had one and because he lives with his parents and because he spends too much time online and because he seems to have no career aspirations, and.. and… And so, the issue for me is not that you are responsible for the breakup, but that there was no promising future to the relationship at all.

“Back in September, you said, …’he spends his time in pornography and sexual fantasies…” …”His way has been mostly to distract himself from this thirst for love via kinky sexual fantasies, porn and thirst traps…’  in reference to me being upset at him for admitting to losing attraction. I thought it was in moments like this where I understood that my hurt in him looking at other women and feeling undervalued was warranted… But unfortunately you’re right – why would my current ex want me to continue with him or move closer to him in the future and just continue the energy I gave him like this? It was draining!”-

-like I said, so many things about him make him NOT a candidate for a lifetime relationship with any woman, including the fact that he spent much of his time watching pornography and distracting himself with sexual fantasies instead of focusing on employment and forging his own independent life away from his parents.

Your focus on him liking photos of women in bikinis etc., that’s your deep emotional wound that his activities triggered. An appropriate partner for you would be one who is busy working, doesn’t watch pornography, and doesn’t like girls in bikini photos, not because you told him not to, but because that was not his habit to begin with.

“The biggest mental block I have is feeling like I caused all of this because I’m a walking self-fulfilling prophecy, just like he said. That he was right when he told me I looked for reasons to criminalize him and I found them. All of these realizations make me feel like I made my bed and now I have to lie in it“-

– The bed you couldn’t have ended up in (if there was no breakup with him) is living with a partner who is independent and responsible. I guess you did cause the breakup as it happened, but.. there was no future to the relationship regardless.

“I feel incredibly shameful about messing the relationship up with my past issues and projections/insecurities. So I feel like I have no room for compassion for myself and he’s the good guy because he thought more rationally and removed himself from a controlling and jealous relationship. He deserves someone better who won’t pressure him so much and I deserve to be alone and sit with what I did until I can get do better“-

– your toxic shame is telling you wrong. Again: you didn’t mess a workable, promising, mature relationship. You messed up continuing to meet him a few times per month and then going about your separate ways after every meeting..  for some time longer than it lasted.

“Also, thank you for hoping this year will be an improvement for me. If I don’t make some kind of breakthrough, I feel like I will continue to suffer unnecessarily. I am happy to hear that your mental state and peace of mind has improved with doing the hard work“- you are welcome and thank you again for your kindness.

To not suffer unnecessarily, you’ll need to resolve this toxic shame. Can you tell me later, when you have the time, what you think about the concept of toxic shame (did you read about it.. I don’t remember if we discussed it before, did we?). Also, what do you think of my input in regard to the nonpromising aspect of a relationship with him to begin with?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

This is an unexpected development, isn’t it, that the blood work came back inconclusive for cancer. It makes sense to have an MRI as soon as possible (today, tomorrow?) and if the result is a definite no-cancer, then remove the benign tumor alone. If there is cancer, then remove the whole ovary.

* I wonder if a 2nd blood work is a good idea?

You wrote regarding the option of removing the affected ovary: “it can result in slightly less estrogen production (my only concern with this option)“- I understand, I just read about symptoms of estrogen deficiency in women. We don’t want hatchling to be moody, irritable or depressed, having hot flashes and night sweats.

“I check in at 11am tomorrow and have a chance to talk further with the surgeon so I will ask her the hormonal questions I have then“- my goodness, it is 11:08 am where you’re at. I can’t wait to read from you later about what is transpiring right now as I am typing these words.

“For now I am leaning on getting it all removed, mostly because I just want it out and an mri sounds expensive“- yes, it is expensive, but PLEASE have it if needed, I can’t think of a better use for F’s money.

“I found myself trying to reminisce with her, a lot of the qualities that her guy has are very similar to N’s nice qualities. One being physically attractive… I think it’s healthy to be able to express the good parts right? Or is that destructive for me? I am not missing N. But I do feel I miss parts“-

– The sacral chakra is interested in parts of a man. The crown chakra is interested in the totality of a man. A happy sacral chakra does not make for a happy crown chakra, as is indicated in the title of your July 29, 2023 thread: “Please help me, my mind hasn’t rested in 8 months“, and in the last sentence of your original post of this thread, Oct 6: “the inner voice of my higher self telling me it’s not right“, your higher self being your crown chakra, and your inner voice being its wisdom vibrating through you.

“It led me to a quote that resonated with me and said ‘I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.’“- it’s like I said those words, substituting type for write.

“The quote made me feel like I was feeling something I was unaware of, and this forum is where I usually come to express and understand myself more so I came here to write about how I’m feeling“- I am so looking forward to you expressing and understanding yourself later today, after you return.

“I texted N on New Years Eve, I don’t regret what I said it was what I was authentically thinking and feeling I said: ‘Happy new years Nathan/ I deeply miss all the good moments we’ve had../ especially our new years together, both years./ This is not easy by any means at all.. but I still believe it is best./ We will connect again soon for some loose ends but until then I truly wish you the best” I was feeling very sentimental the entire day as that was a holiday… Anyways I feel like I’m trying to defend myself a bit over what you may be thinking”-

– first, as I was reading this part, I thought to myself: I don’t like this! but when I read what I boldfaced above, I felt better.  When I read that you were trying to defend yourself over what I may be thinking, I felt .. important, as in important enough for you to care about what I am thinking.

“Anyways the whole reason I bring this up is because the message never sent“- oh! (smiley fce emoji).

“And the only reasons a message doesn’t send on an iPhone is either because you are out of service or the other person blocked your number. This is the only contact I’ve had since the breakup… I often remember your metaphor at the danger for the rabbit to have sympathy for a mountain lion (seaturtle and shark). However I still do sometimes… Then I think about the reasons I ended things and the other side of him that was manipulative and gaslighting and I have anger towards that version then there’s the fact he didn’t see me, those reasons are why I trust myself not to go back to him… it’s like I have access to my higher self vibrations at times but I am not always there, I am certainly at low and medium vibrations the same amount of time. I think I maybe get paths crossed when it comes to pleasure and what is actually the best. Cause aren’t I just a robot if I am always just doing what is best? Isn’t the human part of us that wants to go do something because it makes us feel something? What are the benefits of always doing the correct thing… a higher vibration I suppose, but why does that sound boring sometimes. Anita as much as this is hard to say and even admit to myself right now I enjoy the drama sometimes… I am not sure why I feel so open right now, perhaps the time of night. I wonder if these are thoughts I will resonate with still when I feel in a higher vibration.. that is interesting, and perhaps a major tip for journaling. I am wondering if I should send this message or if it is just a complete ramble that I should keep to myself. But perhaps it would be even more helpful to my growth to hear another persons perspective on some of my mind trails… thoughtful seaturtle”-

– (1) I am glad that you did send this message, (2) The thought that he blocked your message, if he did, annoys me, (3) I hope that you get your passport and expensive belongings back soon enough, (4) Your empathy for him is your heart chakra vibrating, (5)  Your boredom, desire for drama and excitement, is about having a non-vibrating/ blocked sacral chakra. One way to get it to vibrate is to get engaged in a creative activity (acting in a play would’ve been great). Another way is to engage in a sexual activity, but I am not promoting this option to take place with N!

Sex in a new relationship, a relationship approved by a board meeting of all chakras, headed by the crown chakra, is what I recommend for you!

I am looking forward to reading from you, hoping for the best, thoughtful Seaturtle!

anita

Dear Star: I would like to read and reply to you in about 10 hours from now.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“You are welcome I am glad you find it useful too and I don’t mind using the metaphor in our thread“- good!

“I found it interesting that you wrote about ‘low vibrational IQ’ when speaking about N’s IQ was something I wanted to get to… I feel like he found conversation ALL of those things (undesirable, boring, threatening). Sometimes he would be defensive (threatened) other times he would just tell me he couldn’t focus and needed to be doing something in order to listen… (bored)..He definitely did not desire conversation as we do“- he had bad experiences growing up and having had conversations with his mother or father or both, or overhearing conversations/ exchanges between his parents, so he’s turned off to conversations.

“Sounds terrible, and is so not relatable since I find conversation a highlight of life“- me too. I am having a conversation with you right here, right now and it is very meaningful to me. I can’t think of anything I’d rather do instead.

“I am not sure if it the sickness I had a couple weeks ago or what exactly, but I have been really tired lately. The smallest tasks are daunting as far as energy, and I have been sleeping longer hours. I want my energy back so that I can give it to myself and do the things that make me happy. Tomorrow I have a surgery, it should be outpatient, as long as there are no complications. I have a benign ovarian tumor that has gotten very big and needs to be removed“-

– this is the first time you are sharing about this.. Is it a non-intrusive surgery aka a minimally invasive procedure? Are you scared, has it been on your mind a lot (although you didn’t share about it)?

anita