Re-submitting:

Dear Seaturtle:

“Similarly I feel this way about getting my things from N. My roommate tells me to just get it over with. But I feel like I will know when is the right time.. Do you think this is true? wow as I asked this to you (and myself) I heard the title of my thread again ‘is it gut or fear‘ that does not feel it is quite the right time, or is it intuition or fear? Still hard for me to tell this difference..“-

Wikipedia: “The word intuition comes from the Latin verb intueri translated as ‘consider’ or from the late middle English word intuit, ‘to contemplate’. Use of intuition is sometimes referred to as responding to a ‘gut feeling’ or ‘trusting your gut’”.

Intuition/ gut means knowing something without considering or contemplating it.. you just KNOW it.

You ended your original post on Oct 6, the day you chose the title of your thread, with: “Idk maybe we are perfect for each other and I am self sabotaging, or maybe its the inner voice of my higher self telling me it’s not right“-

– I boldfaced what you referred to in your title as fear, and boldfaced+ italicized what you referred to as gut. What you had in mind back then as fear was the fear of making a mistake and letting a good man go. What you referred to as gut was the part of you that felt that he was not a good man for you.

Fast forward 22 pages, 3 months and five days from the date of your original post to today, your gut is stronger but the fear that you are making a mistake and letting a good guy go still lingers. I think that not trusting one’s gut is a result of  emotional predation, what I started talking about yesterday: the emotional predator starting preying on your heart chakra making his way tup to your crown chakra, promoting fear and self-doubt and robbing you from trust in your gut.

Emotional predators. com: “they claim to be the victim, usually of the person they’re in fact victimizing; they fake sincerity and make emotional displays to influence, intimidate, charm, disarm or seduce others; they pretend to be innocent and ignorant; they trap others in no-win binds where the other person is damned if they do and damned if they don’t…  they isolate and ‘gaslight’ their targets, eliciting in the targets unmerited guilt and doubt about their own sanity; they create havoc, confusion and chaos, and disrupt other people’s natural rhythms… they relentlessly manage their public image, often by omitting relevant facts (lying by omission).

”All Emotional Predators hide, deceive and avoid. They conceal their true nature and objectives, presenting a false image, often very convincingly. They can’t be safely relied upon. They misdirect your attention away from what’s really important with words and deeds that rarely reflect the full truth. They lie by assertion and omission, for amusement and gain, or simply out of habit. They shift the topic when you try to talk about anything they don’t want to address. They avoid giving direct answers to simple questions or requests, and offer excuses and justifications, rather than change. Often there’s more accurate information in what an Emotional Predator does not say than in what he does say.

”The more you can commit these traits and behaviors to memory and recognize them in others, the better protected you’ll be. It takes repeated review and experiences to remember new information, so don’t worry if you forget. Books like Protecting Yourself from Emotional Predators are resources you can make notes in and refer back to as often as you need. And rest assured, an Emotional Predator will repeat her behaviors and traits many times.”

On July 29, in your first thread, you described N this way: “He is supportive, he encourages me to do what I LOVE. We are getting better at communication every day…willing to be a stay at home dad or be the bread winner, whatever I want!! He is truly a stand up man, he is so kind and deeply cares for those around him“- he presented himself as these things, his presentation was convincing as far as your family goes (“My family absolutely loves him”, July 29), but in your gut, you felt small and big disconnects in his presentations of himself as a stand up guy:

“I don’t think we are soulmates…  I have been dealing with these small disconnects for a long time but they keep coming back to me. OR is this all just me running away from the most genuine and loving/caring/kind/PATIENT/ would-do-anything-for-me man ?????????????? I really have been having this entire debate in my head for a straight 6-8 months now” (July 29, 2023)- he presented himself in these ways but there were significant disconnects in his presentations that you couldn’t exactly put your finger on.

Back to your yesterday’s first post: “There was a little voice in my head that wasn’t sure if he meant what he was saying. I wondered if it would lead to passive aggression, it lead to me feeling awkward when he did pay for things, such as dinner, park passes or at the grocery store checkout. It is almost like I could feel the energy a bit, but then his words said otherwise so I would ignore the energy I felt”-

– WOW! I read the paragraph right above for the first time this late morning, AFTER writing about deceptive presentations of the emotional predator! His words didn’t fit his energy- you said it yourself. His words were not sincere.

“It was subtle, but I feel like I predicted him eventually admitting he felt a certain way, but I also hoped it wasn’t true and that his words were honest“- again, I am reading this for the first time: his words were not honest!

“His lack of expressing himself caused me to be on guard for something blowing up eventually. As it seems obvious to me that when you hide a feeling for so long it will eventually come out in a burst of energy… later he disregarded what he said, calling it a joke and so forth“- N is a dishonest man in the context of supposedly intimate relationships, the one with you.

You can’t fix interpersonal dishonesty and you couldn’t have fixed it back when you lived with him. Even if you paid the whole rent and all utilities and expenses for the whole time you lived with him, he’d still be him.

“I am more sensitive that anyone I have every met. For example, nicotine, it’s spiritual affects on me was enough for me to never be tempted into it again, even after lots of drinks on NYE when my roommate, M, was using one. I was tempted then remembered the affects on me and that was enough to release the pull on me. I asked her if she feels spiritually attacked in any way..”-

– thoroughly understand and remember the affects N  has had on you and will continue to have on you if you go back to him (continuing to be emotionally attacked by an emotional predator), and it should be enough to release the pull he has on you. You will not be tempted to go back to him.

“Her crown chakra is a little beaming light, I love it, I am smiling as I write this, so sweet”- I am smiling too as I read about your younger sister.

“You see me Anita, it is something that gave me the strength to believe that there is something to see“- you want to be seen and so do I. We are willing to see what is inconvenient to see about ourselves, don’t we? We care about being honest with ourselves and with others for the purpose of seeing and being seen.

N is not interested in being seen as he is, this is why he deceives.

“Well then Anita I hope I have you for a long time to avoid that third condition”- I would like that! (big smile emoji).

“Is little girl seaturtle the same as hatchling?”- yes.

“Thank you for providing me your cannabis disorder research!”- you are welcome.

“This reminds me of myself, I feel the consistent use alongside N, was beginning to cause me to have more anxiety than usual… I stopped doing it regularly with N because I noticed it causes me more anxiety… I think I was on the verge of developing cannabis use disorder myself..”- good thing you stopped.

“– I didn’t understand the above “it prevented him from having dreams“- what kinds of dreams?”

“He told me once or twice about a time in his life he had terrible sleep apnea and sleep paralysis. I think it is because of his football career… part of me admired his mental strength…”- problem is that his mental strength is rooted in interpersonal dishonesty, dishonesty with you. but remember, just as a broken clock is honest twice every 24 hours…

“… I worried that he needed so many substances.., His use of weed in the morning, then coffee, then energy drinks plus nicotine for lunch, then he would get home and said he hadn’t eaten all day.. it physically aged him and mentally depleted him. He wasn’t always like this, it was more towards the last couple months of our relationship. Because in the first year of our relationship he quit a lot of these things..”- this made me feel empathy for him, and concern.

“I wondered this before too, him saying he would stay home with kids if I wanted. At first I thought that was thoughtful of him to offer, to offer to support whatever I chose. But then I wondered about the weed and worried for future children that he wouldn’t attend to them properly, then lie and say everything went well..”-

– best you can do is to not get back to him, including: to not bring children into a relationship with him, and to wish him well. Accept what you cannot change in life, and change what you can, as the Serenity Prayer says. You can’t change his past, who he has become, and who he will continue to be, getting worse, so it seems. It is very sad, but if you went back to him, you’d hurt yourself further, possibly bring children to get hurt… and all along not helping him at all.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I’ll reply further in the morning, but for now, “Similarly I feel this way about getting my things from N. My roommate tells me to just get it over with. But I feel like I will know when is the right time.. Do you think this is true? … I am afraid about getting my things, but I need my passport from him. I am afraid he will say something to harm me and I feel in too sensitive state to feel it“- I think that much more important than when you pick up your things, is that you do NOT go alone to his place/ to meet him. How about your roommate  going with you.. to get it over with, like she said, when the time is right for you?

“Hm, I had to re-read this out loud to myself to let it sink in. A weakness that comes from the habit formed in trying to compromise it (our crown chakras)  for a parent?“- in many cases, as in mine, a parent is the worst crown chakra predator (CCP)  one is to meet in a lifetime.

Coming to think about it, N- the spider (to the fly,  shark (to the sea turtle), mountain lion (to the deer)- has been your CCP, hasn’t he? And that’s why you sped away from him, prey running away from predator: “I thought I saw him on the freeway today.. I feel like I saw a ghost. He was in the same exact truck as N… I sped ahead as to get a car between us. I truly thought it was him and my heart was beating so fast… it was long enough to scare me“.

Maybe it is more accurate to say that he preyed on your heart chakra, making his way up to your crown chakra?

I get invested in images… But it is true: the people we love, beginning with our parents, are (too often, in so many people’s lives) emotional predators, preying on the ones who love them. The part of us that loves them is the soft flesh they bite into. A sea turtle has a shell for that reason. We must be strong and wise in this strange world of ours.

Good night amazing Seaturtle, be back to you in the morning.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“It also triggers, what I think might be a larger trigger, that I feel again unseen” – To see sea turtle is what Sea turtle needs from others. Both your parents did- do not- see sea turtle. N did-does not.

“Just as I came to this sight with my very first post about N, and was not seen“- I like your unintentional substitution of sight for site. Again, Sea turtle needs to be seen. It is a non-negotiable, not to be compromized need.

“Even when I tell my mom, my close friend, they don’t see the gravity of the issues with N. Being in a high vibrational unison with my crown chakra was lonely in my relationship, and it is also outside of it, quite often“- if everyone was in high vibrational unison with their crown chakras, no one in the whole world, who is around people, would’ve been lonely. Quite often, a lot of people are lonely every day and every night.

I grew up (or in, I prefer to say) excruciatingly unseen. I remember thinking: doesn’t anyone see me? How is it possible that no one sees me, I am right here… am I here? 

“Which reminds me I need to set up an email address so we can connect!“-no rush, whenever it’s convenient for you. We are communicating very well right here.

“Just today I was thinking about how I have to daily remind myself why I broke up with him, and I wondered what I am strengthening as I do that. All this work of reminding myself the truth has to be developing some sort of muscle to be able to discern truth better in the future. My third eye is this muscle“- I am thinking of you breaking up with him as breaking away from weakness, unnecessary weakness. What I mean by it is that we are necessarily weak compared to some other animals like elephants, but when we compromise our crown chakras so to maintain a relationship, that’s unnecessary weakness.

“I was surprised by my next thought ‘Did I deserve it when he tried to cause me pain,’ Had I done something worth the passive aggression. I fear that I took advantage of him.. When I wasn’t working for the first few months of last year…I did my art and things around the house, but I could have done more. I could have grocery shopped and cooked more for him coming home from a long day from work and I was only home job searching online and painting. He half heartedly supported me, but after it was too late, after that time he told me he felt taken advantage of and I fear his causing me pain came from him feeling taken advantage of”-

– No, you didn’t deserve him causing you pain and being passive aggressive with you because how could you possibly know that he felt taken advantaged of. He didn’t tell you how he felt. As a matter of fact, he expressed otherwise and encouraged you to quit your job and paint at home. You thought it was okay with him because of what he expressed to you. You can’t read minds that are not expressed in words.. even with a vibrating crown chakra and a muscular third eye!

“I think I feel a lack of energy in my third eye now, as I just tried to think about why this could be invalid but I am quite tired. My new schedule is busy…  I got sick again December 27th, and since then have had a sore throat and just today I vomited, very random I thought. I felt fine before then suddenly nauseous and now I am exhausted”- should you test yourself for covid again.. see a doctor?

health line. com/ throat chakra healing: “When one or more of your chakras becomes blocked or unbalanced, it’s thought to have an impact on your physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional health. The throat chakra (also known as Vishuddha) is responsible for communication, self-expression, and the ability to speak your personal truth… If your throat chakra is blocked or unbalanced, you may: * be fearful about speaking your personal truth * have a harder time expressing your thoughts * feel anxious about speaking or communicating. In addition.. you may experience outbursts of emotion or even the opposite: extreme quiet or refusal to speak. Emotionally, those with fifth chakra (throat chakra) imbalance may be highly critical of themselves and others…  Physically..  symptoms may manifest as the following: *a raspy throat * chronic sore throat..”. It continues with healing suggestions including neck stretches and yoga poses.

I am thinking that communicating your personal, inner truth to your mother and to other people in your life more confidently and assertively (regardless of their reactions or lack of) will help. Better speak up than be quiet about matters most important to you. And when people can’t comprehend you/ don’t see you.. accept it with as much serenity as possible (not resisting it) while limiting or having no contact with them. One person seeing you.. is a good start.

“Why was he lying do you think? Do you think he knew why he was wanting to hurt me? I am not sure he was aware as to why he wanted to cause harm“- I think that he knew that he was angry with you and he knew that he wanted to hurt you (all animals want to or are prepared to hurt the object of their anger), but he didn’t think much about it, didn’t contemplate it.

I think that he lied when he said that he was joking,  that he knew he was telling you an untruth, but again, I don’t think that he gave any thought to lying, no introspection. Think of it, if you will, as him being on one side of a ping pong table: he sees a ball coming at him, he automatically deflects it, throwing it at the other person at the other end of the ping pong table. Lying when deflection calls for it, as well as teflon-ing otherwise, is part of his MO.

“I agree with this about my mom. I fear her third eye has been closed most of her life and usually is… She does things that she thinks is right all the time, that were only clearly her heart and sacral“- a low vibrational crown chakra does not send vibrations that are strong enough to open the 3rd eye.

“I think what you said here is important for me to hear, I need to learn to be ok with this lonely feeling. Because if the only option to not feel alone in certain situations is to close that eye and crown, I don’t want to do it… I want to continue to be okay with being uncomfortable rather than closing up. Because it is only if I stay open that I might find others like me, I believe”- I don’t think that you can close that eye once (1)  you had it wide open, and (2) you endured that discomfort of being alone long-enough, and (3) you are not completely alone.

You asked in regard to my suggestion that N was satisfied with being in a relationship with you even though he knew that you repeatedly wanted out of the relationship:  “How was this satisfying to him, or was he just too weak to end it himself.“- he wasn’t introspective enough to end it. Introspection (an open crown chakra, an open 3rd eye) does not appear like a source of satisfaction to him.

“In the shower, after I got home, I had a strange vision I had not imagine before. It was two years later and N said that he read everything from this thread! he said he would like to talk at coffee. I met him and he apologized for everything… Specifically He said he was sorry for not respecting me, and that it was not my fault he couldn’t see the wisdom in how I was doing things that he judged. He apologized… I then snapped out of it and felt some sort of peace.. His ghost made amends with me, and it brought me some peace. strange.”- it’s the desire of little girl Seaturtle to be seen and respected and apologized to, for all the wrong done to her.

“I thought I saw him on the freeway today.. I feel like I saw a ghost. He was in the same exact truck as N… I sped ahead as to get a car between us… it was long enough to scare me“- his ghost scares you, his ghost being your father when you were growing up, hurting you, not seeing you. It was a painful, long-term, on and on experience.

anita

vibrationally restful night, I meant…

Dear Seaturtle:

I have a feeling that you are going through some difficult time right now and the difficult is getting old..? Taken from Star Wars, may the force be with you, Sea turtle!

anita

Dear Justaguy01:

My best guess is that she is not clear herself about what she wants at this time, that she is conflicted and confused. If she was clear about wanting you in her life, she would have contacted you.

This no-contact is very difficult for you and it’s getting more difficult. The Waiting is excruciating.. or is excruciating too intense of a word? If excruciating pretty much describes it, better send her an honest message asking her to tell you her honest state of mind in regard to the relationship with you as it is.

Make it a short, polite request, nothing long or heavy. I think it’d be fair:  not too demanding of her and fair to you because you are suffering. What do you think?

anita

Dear Justaguy01:

I am not clear: it worries you that she hasn’t been on any of the messaging platforms where the two of you used to communicate because you think that she stays away from people and activities in general, indicating that she’s depressed, or do you worry that she is staying away specifically from you?

If I was you, I wouldn’t contact her because, seems to me, that she really needs space from everyone. She knows that she can contact you if she wants to, but she doesn’t. Maybe she fits the Avoidant Attachment Style (avoiding emotional closeness in times of heightened anxiety) and you fit the Anxious Attachment Style (seeking emotional closeness in times of heightened anxiety)…?

If this is the case there is online information and advice in regard to making it work for two individuals of these different styles.

anita