Oh, I misread, you wrote that I a survivor of a holocaust survivor, well neither one of them was in a concentration camp back in the 40s although the Nazis were active in their countries of origin.

anita

Dear Flow28: I didn’t do a good job in my first reply. I’ll try again:

I can see how hurt you are. The shock and disappointment: from “I was sure we were together” to him saying: “we’re not together yet“, his preference to go to a long trip without you, and now, he’s seeing someone else. All this left you hurt, sad, angry, doubting if he was not into you, or if you scared him off.

It is hard to analyze his words (those you quoted) without seeing the context: the whole conversation, what led to it, etc.

Seems like you were more interested in him than he was in you, and so, the (unofficial) relationship had a power imbalance: you were in the weak position, the one chasing him to take you with him on the long trip, the one pressuring him to make the relationship official (the ultimatum), the one hanging on his words.

And seems to me that he has some problems that preceded you and more likely than not, there would have been a breakup even if you behaved.. perfectly. After all, most relationships, particularly those starting online, don’t last long.

I am sorry that you are hurting and I hope that you will learn what you can learn from the experience and that you feel better soon. Learning often makes me feel better. i hope to read from you again.

anita

Dear Flow28:

“He was texting me a lot, calling, setting up dates etc. He said he’d never felt so good with anyone before. He mentioned us being in a relationship in the future“- he was already in a relationship with you when he said that there may be a relationship in the future.

“He said ‘for us to blah blah (I don’t remember at this point) we’d have to be in a relationship’ and then he added ‘but when we get into one in the future, we will (…)’“- indirectly, he made a promise to you: that there will be a relationship in the future (while there was one in the present).

“He added he wouldn’t cheat on me & that he uninstalled the app.”- according to his words, he was in an exclusive relationship with you.

“I said someone who loves his gf would take her with him… He was like ‘you’re not my gf’, ‘we’re not together yet, we’re still seeing each other…’“- the image of a man (after a swim) sitting by the pool with one foot in the water, comes to mind, saying: I am not in the pool yet.

“he said we were seeing each other once a week or even less, which is completely untrue (it was 2-3 times per week). He said we weren’t texting regularly but we were“- continuing the image above, you tell the man sitting by the pool: what do you mean you are not in the pool yet, you were in it 10 minutes ago, that’s why you are still wet! And he says: no I wasn’t! Or,  I almost wasn’t.

“He said he felt uncomfortable with me treating it as if we’re a bf & gf bc ‘it’s not at that level of closeness’ & that he didn’t like such control. He has told me he hasn’t asked me to be official because I didn’t trust him“-

– the clue to his behavior may be in the words control and trust: maybe he doesn’t trust women and fears being controlled by a woman, so he, figuratively, only dips his foot in the water, or if he takes a swim, he quickly exits the pool and denies he was in it.

“During our early dates he would make sexual innuendos and jokes & he complimented my looks. He talked about his sexual preferences… he wasn’t really affectionate… he said he had been with many girls but didn’t sleep with anyone before me“- it is possible that he lied when he told you that he didn’t sleep with anyone before you, and that he lied about other things as well, and like most or all people who lie, some of what he said was true, overall producing a mix of truths and lies. It is also possible that he has a very low sexual drive.

What do you think?

anita

Funny, poetic (!) funny Witty SadSoul. This evening I got angry irl at someone who said he’d bring barbecued salmon over, but didn’t. He heard my discontent loud and clear. I care to keep my word.

anita

Dear Zenith:

I knew you’d survive the colonoscopy, and you’ll survive the recent bout of religious OCD. No wonder it got triggered in India, with your family, because that’s where it started.

“OCD is telling me that I am a bad Muslim. This theme sucks“- what if you talk back to the OCD and say to it: you suck, ocd! Maybe standing up to the ocd will make a difference!

“I always felt less anxious at my mother’s place, but now I don’t have the peace of mind.“- key word: less (anxious). OCD will make any person anxious, that’s why it sucks. What if now, that you are in the location where religious ocd started, what if you courageously talk back to it/ stand up to it?

anita

Dear SadSoul:

“I look forward to hearing about your cool parade day“- during the parade/ festivities, on a few occasions, in my own mind, I found myself telling you about what I was observing. I walked a lot during the 8 hours I was there. There was music and I enjoy the last 2 songs only, and even danced to them just a bit (how can one not dance to “I want to dance with somebody”, an impressive imitation of Whitney Houston’s 1987 video performance). The hands-free pie eating context: I was/ am too old to derive pleasure out of that kind of thing, walked away before it started, waste of pie.

“We pretty much nailed it! I’m exhausted now but also feeling satisfied with myself on this particular point“- when team-work works/ when people work well together.

“My son sent me a text! It’s so hard not asking him to catch up… That ball is firmly in his court waiting for him to serve it. Patience young padawan!“- this is what a good mother does.

Talking about Star Wars (from path of the jedi. com): “Anakin Skywalker’s attendance to the Jedi Academy was actually denied by the Jedi Council. He was already too old by that time and the Council was concerned by all the uncertainty they sensed from him. Believing that Anakin was the Chosen One who would ultimately bring balance to the Force, Qui-Gon saw this rejection as only a temporary set back but one that had to wait until more pressing matters were resolved on the planet of Naboo… It was at this moment on the hanger boarding their ship that Qui-Gon tells him, ‘Your focus determines your reality.’ Qui-Gon was the epitome of mindfulness, and fair or not, he believed this a valuable lesson for the young Anakin. After all, it’s never too soon to start training the Chosen One”-

– paralleling this to you: like Anakin Skywalker, you are currently denied attendance to your son’s life. Like Anakin, you feel uncertain. You can view this rejection as a temporary setback.  it’s never too late for you to Choose your Focus on any day (and to choose peace-of-mind and calm because that would serve you- and those you care about- best).

anita