Dear Zenith:

I wanted to add that the first time I read your recent message was yesterday afternoon while sitting in the car (not while driving!) I don’t use my phone to reply because it’s difficult for me and I figured I’ll do it later. But reading it, I felt that I was reading something very special, as in the best thing I ever read on the forums. It felt very special. I also felt grateful to you for caring to send this message to me. So, thank you, Zenith!

anita

Dear Zenith:

I’m really glad I could be there for you. It means a lot to me to read that I’ve been able to make a difference during some of your toughest times. You’ve shown incredible strength in managing everything, especially when it’s hard to talk about mental health. Remember, you’re no alone in this, and I’m always here to listen and support you. Take care, and don’t hesitate to reach out whenever you need to share or just want to talk.

anita

Dear beni:

Thank you for your kind words. I’m truly touched to red about your progress and the positive changes you’re experiencing. It sounds like you’re making significant strides in your journey toward healing and personal growth.

I want to respond to your recent post more thoroughly tomorrow, but for now: your experience with romantic love and the clarity you’ve gained through it is profound. It’s wonderful that you’re finding a sense of calm and presence in your daily life. The work you’re doing with your psychologist in Gestalt therapy and focusing on your inner child seems to be making a real difference.

Feeling love and compassion for yourself, as you describe, is such a beautiful and crucial step. The fact that you can genuinely feel these self-affirmations and physical gestures of self-love indicates deep healing. It’s also great to read about your new language learning endeavor and how your brain is naturally stimulated by new experiences.

Your plan to face anxieties by starting with yourself—talking, playing, and taking yourself on dates like going to the cinema—is a fantastic approach. Building a secure attachment with yourself first is a powerful strategy. It lays a strong foundation for healthy relationships with others.

I’ve found that creating secure attachments and nurturing self-compassion can be incredibly healing. Engaging in activities alone can help build confidence and comfort in your own company, which then enhances your interactions with others. Your insights are wise, and it’s inspiring to read about your journey.

I’m cheering you on as you continue to explore these new aspects of your life. Please keep sharing your successes and insights—they’re truly uplifting.

Take care, I’m looking forward to reading more about your progress. I will add to this post to you again Tues morning (it’s Mon afternoon here).

anita

You are welcome, antarkala, and thank you for the offer. I am not used to getting (or responding to) such an offer. I appreciate it though, and will try to remember it.

anita

Dear Danny:

I want to dive deeper into the distinction between guilt, blame and responsibility, and how they relate to radical acceptance:

Guilt involves a moral judgment, where a person feels they have done something wrong or have failed to do something that was the right thing to do. It often carries a heavy emotional weight, leading to feelings of shame and self-blame.

Living with guilt can be toxic and damaging, being that feeling guilty all the time is harmful to one’s mental and emotional health, leading to feelings of worthlessness, anxiety, and depression, especially when it pertains to situations beyond one’s control, such as being abused, diagnosed with an illness, or losing loved ones.

If someone is abused, it is not their fault. They did not cause the abuse. Feeling guilty for being in an abusive situation is very harmful because the responsibility lies with the abuser, not the victim.  Feeling guilty about being abused (or about having an illness, or about losing loved ones), leads to unnecessary stress and emotional pain because it implies that the person is to blame for something they couldn’t prevent.

Feeling guilty for things that are not within our control—such as abuse, illness, or the death of loved ones—is unfair and harmful. Instead, it’s healthier to understand that these situations are not our fault and to focus on healing and self-compassion.

Responsibility, on the other hand, is about understanding and owning the outcomes of one’s actions. It’s about recognizing the role we play in certain situations, but not assuming blame for things beyond our control.

Taking responsibility means being accountable for our own actions and their consequences. For example, if you miss a deadline at work because you procrastinated, taking responsibility would involve acknowledging that your actions (or lack thereof) caused the missed deadline.

Responsibility isn’t just about negative consequences. It also involves owning the positive outcomes of our actions. If you work hard and achieve success, taking responsibility means acknowledging your effort and contribution to that success.

In many situations, our actions or decisions contribute to the outcome. Recognizing the role we play means understanding how our behavior influences the situation. It’s about identifying what we can control and how our choices impact those areas. For instance, we can’t control the weather, but we can choose to carry an umbrella if rain is forecasted.

There are many factors in life that we cannot control, such as natural disasters, other people’s actions, or genetic predispositions to certain illnesses. We should not blame ourselves for these uncontrollable factors.

Imagine you are driving and using your phone, and you get into a car accident, hitting a car in front of you. Responsibility is you acknowledging that being on your phone caused you to not notice the car in front of you stopping, leading to the accident. You take steps to avoid distractions while driving in the future (no more using the phone while driving). You don’t assume responsibility for the other driver’s actions or the weather conditions that might have contributed to the accident. Those factors are beyond your control.

If another driver hits you, you are responsible for how you respond to the situation—calling emergency services, exchanging insurance details, etc. You don’t blame yourself for the other driver’s reckless behavior. That’s their responsibility, not yours.

Focusing on responsibility over blame empowers you to take control of what you can change. It shifts the focus to proactive behavior and personal growth. Recognizing what is beyond your control helps reduce unnecessary self-blame and fosters a healthier mindset. Taking responsibility is empowering because it focuses on what we can control—our actions, reactions, and decisions. It encourages proactive behavior and personal growth.

Radical acceptance involves fully accepting reality as it is, without judgment or resistance. This doesn’t mean endorsing harmful situations, but rather acknowledging their existence and our feelings about them. By accepting what we cannot change, we reduce the suffering caused by resisting or denying reality. This acceptance allows us to focus our energy on what we can control—our responses and actions moving forward.

You are not responsible for the abuse inflicted upon you. The abuser is responsible for their actions. However, you can take responsibility for your healing and the steps you take to ensure your safety and well-being moving forward.

Feeling guilty for being in an abusive relationship is misplaced. It’s important to shift the focus from self-blame to self-compassion and empowerment.

Accepting what we cannot change allows us to redirect our energy towards actions that can make a positive difference. It’s about finding the balance between accepting reality and taking proactive steps within our sphere of influence.

Radical acceptance fosters a healthy mindset by encouraging us to focus on constructive actions. It’s not about accepting blame for what we are not responsible for.

In my case, growing up (more accurately, growing into/ stagnating in shame and guilt), my mother made me feel responsible for her pain, which is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse. This guilt has been so vey  toxic  and damaging to me because it was based on false accusations and a distorted view of reality. Living with this guilt can led to me feeling worthless, ashamed, and deserving blame. This guilt was imposed on me unfairly (I now say, didn’t know it for decades, not fully) and does not my your true worth or actions.

I am not responsible for my mother’s abusive behavior. Her actions were her own choices, and she is accountable for them. I did not cause her to hit me or call me names; those were her decisions.

Taking responsibility in this context means recognizing that I have the power to heal and take control of my life moving forward. It’s about understanding that now (in the present time) I can choose how to respond to these past experiences. Even though I couldn’t control what happened to me back then, I can control my responses and actions now: I can choose to focus on healing and personal growth. I can take positive actions to improve current situation and future. This mindset shift helps move from feeling like I am now (an adult, living far away and being in no contact with my mother) a complete victim of my past to ===> seeing myself as a survivor and a thriver. It’s about recognizing my agency and resilience.

anita