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anitaParticipantDear Peter:
I asked you: “If you ask peter the young boy: ‘what do you hope for?’ What will he say?ā, and you answered: “Funny Sad that just reading that question I feel a tightness in my lower abdomen as my hope as a young boy came from a place of fear and anxiety or you might say discomfort and the Hope was for comfort because discomfort was not only bad but āsinā. Iām afraid my Hope was not for Life but to change what cannot be changed. In other words as a young boy I was unknowingly saying a big NO to Life while believing I could fix it by being good and following all the rules”-
– Processing: you described your childhood hope as stemming from fear and anxiety. This implies that your primary motivation for hope was to escape and prevent discomfort (fear, anxiety) rather than to seek positive experiences.
You linked discomfort with being “bad” or even “sinful.” The use of these terms implies a moral judgment. It indicates that you viewed discomfort not just as an unpleasant experience but as a sign of personal failing or moral inadequacy, believing perhaps that any discomfort you felt was a reflection of your own shortcomings or wrongdoings.
Generally, these beliefs in children are shaped by external expectations or teachings by caregivers, authority figures, or cultural and religious norms. Examples of how such a message is sent to a child by a caregiver: (1) the caregiver dismisses the childās fear or anxiety by saying things like, “Stop being a baby”, “Thereās nothing to be afraid of”, or “Why are you always so scared? Youāre such a coward”. This can make the child feel that their emotions are invalid, that experiencing them is wrong, and that feeling fear is a personal failing.
(2) the caregiver rolling their eyes, sighing, or showing impatience when the child expresses fear, sending the message that the childās emotions are unwelcome or bothersome.
(3) the caregiver Ignores the childās expressions of fear or anxiety, making the child feel that their emotions are not worthy of attention or support.
Some religious teachings emphasize the idea that fear is a lack of faith or trust in a higher power. For example, messages like, “If you truly had faith, you wouldnāt be afraid”, associating fear and anxiety with sinfulness or moral weakness, leading the child to feel guilty and a failure for feeling fear.
In cultures that value emotional restraint, children are taught that showing fear or anxiety is a sign of weakness. Phrases like, “Real men donāt cry” or “You need to toughen up” reinforce the idea that fear is unacceptable.
Cultures that emphasize success and perfection convey the message that fear and anxiety are obstacles to achievement and should be overcome or hidden to maintain an image of competence.
Portrayals of fearless heroes in movies, TV shows, and books create an ideal that fearlessness is a desirable trait, leading children to feel inadequate for experiencing fear.
Role models, such as parents, teachers, or public figures, who emphasize courage and downplay fear, may inadvertently make children feel that their own fears are unacceptable.
Back to your words, Peter, your reflected that your hope as a child was not directed towards embracing life but rather towards changing what could not be changed, and that you believed that by being good and following all the rules, you could “fix” your discomfort. For you, following rules became a control mechanism, believing perhaps that if you behaved perfectly and met all expectations, you would avoid negative emotions such as fear, anxiety, or guilt.
Generally, rigid conformity involves a lack of flexibility in behavior and thinking. It means strictly following rules without considering context or personal needs. This mindset leads to suppressing oneās true self and emotions to fit into a mold of what is perceived as “good” or acceptable, and it reflects a misunderstanding of the nature of emotions, which cannot always be controlled through external behaviors. Over time, this suppression can lead to resentment and frustration, as the individualās authentic self is not being acknowledged or expressed.
Believing that oneās worth is tied to rule-following leads to conditional self-worth. This means feeling worthy only when meeting certain standards or expectations. Failure to meet these standards can result in harsh self-criticism.
Using rule-following as a coping mechanism is ineffective for managing emotions in the long term. It does not address the root causes of fear and anxiety and can prevent the development of healthier emotional regulation strategies. It can also lead to avoidance of situations that might evoke negative emotions, limiting personal growth and experiences.
“Krishnamurti made an argument that most of our hope really represented a fear. And that one hoped when one was in despair… Years ago I determined that if one was to hope unskillfully it was best not to hope at all, which I still think, only I didnāt give up on the notion of learning to hope skillfully. It’s why I want to revisit my relationship with Hope ā Krishnamurti not wrong but surprising myself, my gut says there is a Hope that, yes, we might turn to in times of trouble, but isnāt about fixing that trouble, or comparing, or even becoming… Though I feel such a hope would bring one closer to a ātrue selfā. Kind of the Joy and sorrow relationship? Maybe? Language is going to get in the way, but think Iām in a space to explore it.”-
-Processing: Krishnamurti argues that hope often stems from a place of fear and despair. When individuals are in despair, they look for hope as a way to alleviate their suffering. This aligns with your earlier reflection, Peter, on your childhood hope being rooted in fear and anxiety.
You acknowledge that unskillful hope, which is rooted in fear and the desire to fix external circumstances can be unhelpful, and you now seek to explore a different kind of hopeā one that isn’t about fixing trouble, comparing, or achieving. Your desire to revisit his relationship with hope indicates a shift towards acceptance and finding meaning in lifeās experiences without the need to control or fix them. This aligns with the idea of moving away from rigid conformity and towards a more authentic and self-accepting approach.
“As a young boy I was unknowingly saying a big NO to Life while believing I could fix it by being good and following all the rules. (I think you had a similar experience with taking on the label of bad, if for different reasons? I wonder if most children do?)”-
– a lot of people can relate to this, and so can I. I believed that if I followed all the rules, I would become good and worthy of a good life. For a long time after I started my first quality psychotherapy in 2011, I was still compelled to make rules for myself. I used to type rules and print them on papers titled “Rules 4 Life”, then sign them. I believed, every time I typed, printed and signed 10-20 rules, or more, that I would follow them perfectly and that I just started a good life, being a good person worthy of a good life. Each such time ended with a new Rules 4 Life, a new effort. Talking about the futility of Rigid Conformity.
My Hope now is to say YES to me being me, a person who is no longer primarily suppressed and repressed, but expressed according to the values I believe in (do-no-harm is one), to undo the difficulty in processing my own feelings of conflict and despair: to let life live through me, as Hokusai Says (the poem)- to let my emotions (energy in-motion) flow through me, unrestricted by labels or rules.
My whole life I wanted to be good and worthy of that peace of mind that evaded me. As a way of life (a non-life), I was holding my breath literally (restricted inhaling & exhaling) and figuratively, following rules (and breaking them) until such time that I can breathe again, inhale, exhale, all the way, comfortably.
I wrote above: “Using rule-following as a coping mechanism is ineffective for managing emotions in the long term. It does not address the root causes of fear and anxiety”- the root cause of my ongoing anxiety has always been the devastating belief that I was a bad person waiting to be good.
Yesterday, I wrote to you: “In childhood, time has a different quality, a timeless quality, and when tragedy hits, thereās a forever feel to it”- the tragedy that hit me and stayed persistently for decades, is the accusation that I was a bad person, and that I was a bad person from a time before I had a chance to have a say about it: a chance to correct any (what?) bad deeds. The accusation just fell from the skies (my mother= god) and crushed me for so very long.
I will go over your thread from the beginning and connect it to Hope- in a later post.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
I intend to dedicate all of Mon morning to your thread, but for now, in regard to this part of your recent post: “As it comes to hope as a child I doubt I gave it much thought. Life happens so fast at that age that memory hasnāt had enough time to get its hold into you”-
– from my experience, life in childhood happens so fast only in the context of an adult looking back at it, remembering it. In childhood, time has a different quality, a timeless quality, and when tragedy hits, there’s a forever feel to it.
We forget how it really was when remembering as it truly was is overwhelming.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Jana:
Youāve articulated a very insightful perspective on external validation. š
Yes, I do think that external validation is often (not always) fleeting and can change based on how well one’s behavior, opinions, or characteristics align with another person’s internal validation standards. Peopleās approval is often conditional, based on whether someone fits their expectations and preferences.
Your calm and quiet nature may not align with a talkative and wild personās internal validation, but personally, a calm, quiet, introverted nature (in-person) is just what I need from a person, as such a person has a calming affect on me, while being around a talkative, extroverted person makes me anxious.
Even when validation is initially given, it can be withdrawn if changes in opinions or behavior no longer match the other personās internal validation framework, and therefore, such validation is indeed impermanent.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Beni:
You are always welcome!
“My mom would always make a tantrum about the kitchen itās a public place she likes to control. Maybe that is what my resentment is about that I did/do not understand that”- her intense emotions and controlling behaviors took you away from you, did she?
I mean, a boy (or girl) needs space to be.
I am reminded of Shakespeare’s question: “To be or not to be, this is the question”.
An intense (too intense) mother who demands control, steals the authentic part of her child, and without this part, there is a disconnection within the child, a disturbing and persistent sense of alienation.
“I see the people around me as oppressive enemies who have no interest in understanding what I need and even would punish me if I would show myself vulnerable”- as I understand it, you see others the way you correctly see your mother: primarily, an oppressive enemy with no interest in understanding what you need, a woman who punished the authentic part of you.
“Thatās why I want to feel alienated, angry and sad to let them know how horribly they mistreat me. By changing my behaviour I would communicate the oppressor that it works to disrespect my dignity and Iād rather die than to admit their power over me.”-
– I suppose you are holding on to the feelings of alienation, anger and sadness because these valid feeling (valid because they are natural emotional responses to your mother’s behaviors) are the calls or cries of your hidden/ oppressed authentic self within. By changing these feelings, and/ or the expressions of these feelings, you’d be silencing the authentic self/ authentic child within, and admitting defeat.
Am I understanding correctly?
Oppression in genera leads to a wide range of emotional reactions, including anger, fear, sadness, resentment, alienation, frustration, shame, and defiance. When the oppressor is one’s mother, these emotional reactions are even more intense and complex due to the unique nature of the parent-child relationship:
In general, children of significantly or severely oppressive mothers- mothers who are sole or primary caretaker, and with little or no support by others- feel a mix of love and resentment towards the oppressive mother. The conflicting emotions create confusion and ambivalence. There’s a struggle between loyalty to the mother and anger towards her.
The children internalize the oppression, believing they are at fault or deserving of the treatment, feeling ashamed of their situation and their inability to change it.
They fear punishment or further oppression if they resist or speak out. They feel emotionally disconnected from the mother and from others as well, experiencing social isolation as a result. They feel trapped in the oppressive environment with no way to escape or change the situation.
General coping mechanisms: a mix of complying with the mother’s demands to avoid conflict and punishment, suppressing one’s true feelings and needs to maintain peace, actively resisting the mother’s control and asserting one’s autonomy, and engaging in defiant behavior as a way to reclaim power and control.
Long-term impact, generally: struggling to trust others due to the betrayal and control experienced from the mother, fear of being vulnerable and open with others, difficulty forming healthy attachments and relationships, reenacting similar dynamics in other relationships (example: a man marrying a controlling woman, one similar to his mother, and actively and continuously seeking her approval), anxiety, depression, and ongoing struggles with self-esteem and self-worth.
What I stated above in general terms has been true to me personally. My mother was my sole caretaker, there was no one but her in my life as a child (no other influence, at least non that was significant). She was extremely controlling and expressed her very intense emotions through protracted sessions of histrionics and drama. As a result, the authentic part of me went into hiding. Alienation and social isolation was the theme of my life. And yet, my authentic self, hidden and oppressed, never stopped trying to break into the surface and take its rightful space- space to be and to become.
is this your struggle too, Beni?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Lisa:
You’re very welcome. I’m glad to be able to offer support and help you on your journey.
“I am distressed over who I could have been had I received what I obviously lacked from childhood, security”-
– It’s completely understandable to feel distressed about what might have been different had you experienced the security you needed in childhood. The impact of those early years is profound, shaping our sense of self, our ability to trust, and how we navigate the world. It’s natural to wonder about the alternate paths your life could have taken with a foundation of security and stability.
When children feel safe to express their emotions, when they regularly receive comfort and understanding from caregivers, when they trust caregivers, when they feel protected, supported, they become adults who are confident in their abilities, more likely to take healthy risks and pursue opportunities; they are better equipped to form meaningful relationships, achieve personal and professional goals, and navigate life’s challenges with a sense of stability and self-worth.
* What I wrote right above about children feeling safe to express, etc., is not something I know from personal experience.
Remember, it’s not too late to build the sense of security and self-worth that you deserved then and deserve now. Your awareness and willingness to reflect on these experiences are already significant steps forward.
Take your time, and whenever you feel ready to share more, I’m here to listen and support you.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Jana:
External Validation: Approval from others. Internal Validation: Approval from self. Seeking external validation is a fundamental aspect of human nature and a basic human need, rooted in our social nature. Everyone seeks external validation from infancy and onward.
Your post brought something new to my attention: the distinction between healthy ways and unhealthy ways to seek external validation.
Examples of healthy ways- asking for specific feedback from trusted work colleagues on tasks for the purpose of improvement, sharing accomplishments or progress with supportive individuals, and openly sharing your feelings and experiences with empathetic friends or loved ones who can offer understanding and support.
Examples of unhealthy ways- people-pleasing: constantly saying yes to others, neglecting your own needs and boundaries so to gain acceptance, over-sharing: sharing too much personal information with acquaintances or strangers in hopes of receiving sympathy or attention, self deprecating: fishing for compliments by putting yourself down so to elicit reassurance and praise from others, drama creation: becoming the center of attention through conflicts or crises, instigating or exaggerating situations to draw attention and receive validation from the ensuing drama.
Unhealthy ways often lead to dependency and diminish self-esteem. Striving for a balance between healthy ways of seeking external validation and the prioritizing of internal validation is key to maintaining emotional well-being.
anita
anitaParticipantYou are welcome, Jana
š anita
anitaParticipantYou are welcome, Jana, and thank you again for your understanding.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Beni:
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I’m glad that my analysis resonated with you and helped validate your experiences. It’s indeed a complex and challenging journey to navigate the effects of enmeshment and find one’s true self.
It’s understandable to feel a mix of sadness, freedom, and even questioning the worth of living when uncovering such deep-rooted issues. The grieving process is a significant part of healing, allowing us to acknowledge the pain and begin to move forward.
“What Iāve been exploring lately is how I choose to create drama. Because Itās what Iāve always done. I donāt know how to be any other way”- creating drama is often a coping mechanism and a learned behavior that once served a purpose:
When a person has grown up in an environment characterized by stress and chaos (drama), these conditions become the person’s “normal.” Even though these conditions are unpleasant, they are familiar. As adults, we might unconsciously seek out or create similar high-stress situations because it feels familiar and comfortable compared to the unknown. Familiar stress can feel safer than the unpredictability of peace and calm.
Also, drama provides a form of emotional and psychological stimulation. It can break the monotony of daily life, making the individual feel more alive and engaged.
It could also be a means to connect with others, as the chaos and drama might elicit responses and interactions from those around us.
In environments where people feel overlooked or insignificant, drama ensures they become the center of focus. Creating drama can also serve to influence how others react or behave. This influence can provide a sense of power and control.
In summary, creating drama as a coping mechanism is a learned behavior that once served a vital purpose in navigating chaotic or intense environments. By understanding and addressing the underlying needs, individuals can find healthier ways to feel alive, connected, and in control.
Recognizing that this behavior is a coping mechanism and understanding its origins is the first step towards change. Viewing the behavior with compassion rather than judgment helps in acknowledging that it served a purpose at one point.
I think that I do understand you. To understand more, I ask: can you elaborate on “Maybe Iām afraid of punishment. Or I can not forgive myself”?
I’m here to support you as you continue to explore and grow. You’re not alone in this, and every step you take toward understanding and healing is significant.
Take care and be gentle with yourself.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Jana:
I appreciate your openness and willingness to connect via email. However, upon further reflection, I realized that I prefer to continue our conversations here on the forums for now. It’s a space where I feel comfortable and safe sharing my thoughts.
Thank you for understanding, and I look forward to our continued discussions here!
Regarding your recent post right above, your diet appears to be well-balanced in terms of variety and includes different food groups. However, there are a few points to consider regarding your protein and fat intake:
1) Protein is essential for neurotransmitter production, which affects mood and cognitive function. Consider consuming more protein and/ or a broader variety of protein sources, such as nuts, seeds, tofu, or legumes,
2) Fats are essential for energy and for the absorption of fat-soluble vitamins A, D, E, and K. Without dietary fat, these vitamins cannot be effectively absorbed and used by the body. Essential fatty acids, such as omega-3 and omega-6, are vital for brain health and cognitive function.
Without adequate dietary fat, the absorption of fat-soluble vitamins (A, D, E, K) is impaired, leading to health issues.
Insufficient fat can affect hormone production, leading to hormonal imbalances that may impact menstrual cycles, overall hormonal health, cognitive function (leading to problems with memory, concentration, and mood), as well as low energy and fatigue
If you experience symptoms like dry skin, brittle hair, hormonal imbalances, or low energy levels, it might indicate a need to increase your healthy fat intake. Some healthy sources of fat: avocados, nuts and seeds, olive oil, fatty fish like salmon, and dark chocolate (in moderation).
It’s great, Jana, that you’re taking time for yourself while your boyfriend is away. Focusing on mindfulness, meditation, and reading sounds like a wonderful plan! Congrats on making it to the second round of the job interview! Your preparation and determination are impressive. Remember, stepping out of your comfort zone is a big accomplishment in itself.
Take care and enjoy your āme timeā!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Jana:
Thank you! I just wrote to you on your other thread that the forums are my learning playground, so this morning I want to learn more about “this fear of people” (your words).
In your original post, Nov 7, 2024, you described feeling trapped in several parts of your story:
“I couldnāt just leave because when I did, I got scolded by adults. I lost my ‘independence’ and ‘control’ over the situation”, “I was trapped in a place where I wasnāt welcomed and regularly attacked by bullies and I wasnāt allowed to leaveā¦ actually I was literally ordered to stay without discussion”, “I suddenly found myself in a very cold, hostile environment, from which I couldnāt run away”.
Humans are physiologically animals. How do animals react to being trapped?
Short term reactions: 1. Flight or Fight Response: animals either try to escape the situation or prepare to defend themselves. There is an increase in heart rate and muscle tension to prepare for immediate action.
2. Freeze Response: some animals exhibit a freeze response, where they become motionless to avoid detection by predators, staying hidden and avoiding drawing attention, waiting for the danger to pass before they shake the freeze, so to speak, and resume normal movement and life.
Long-Term Reactions: 1. Chronic Stress: elevated ongoing levels of stress hormones like cortisol, making the animal more susceptible to diseases. Chronically stressed, animals may exhibit abnormal behaviors, such as repetitive movements, self-mutilation, or aggression.
2. Learned Helplessness: over time, animals may develop learned helplessness, where they stop trying to escape because they believe their efforts are futile. This can lead to depression-like symptoms, including lethargy and loss of interest in activities.
3. Physical Health Issues: prolonged stress can lead to weight loss and decreased appetite and reduced fertility.
In your original post, Jana, you described physical symptoms like shaking and feeling sick when going to school. This fits with the long-term reactions of other animals to being trapped, as chronic stress leads humans and other animals to elevated stress hormones, which can suppress the immune system and cause other health issues.
“I suddenly found myself in a very cold, hostile environment, from which I couldnāt run away, and my sensitive nature couldnāt resist it”- “from which I couldnāt run away” highlights your feeling of being trapped and powerless to escape, as in no matter what you do, you cannot change your situation or get away from the hostile environment.
“and my sensitive nature couldnāt resist it”: feeling that your sensitive nature makes or made you unable to cope or fight back against the hostility. This adds to your sense of helplessness because you perceives (or perceived) yourself as inherently unable to handle the situation. These expressions reveal your belief that you had no control over those circumstances and were unable to change or escape them.
Your physical and behavioral reactions to feeling trappedāsuch as anxiety, chronic stress, avoidance, and physical symptomsāparallel the responses seen in trapped animals. These reactions highlight the intense emotional and physical toll that feeling trapped and unsupported can have on an individual.
In your Nov 9 post, you described experiences with your neighbors and students, situations where you faced pressure, blame, and negativity. Your reactions to these situations: setting boundaries, opting for sensible approaches, and trying to remove yourself from toxic environments. Your reactions demonstrate your attempts to regain control and protect your emotional well-being. This is the undoing of learned helplessness and the path of healing.
In your Jan 1, 2025 post, you wrote: “It is very hard to be an introverted person in this very extroverted world and to be emotional and spiritual in a society which is very skeptical, pragmatic and materialistic”- feeling trapped in a society that doesn’t accept your introverted, emotional, and spiritual nature.
“The fact is that if I find myself in a situation when I have to defend myself, I feel a bit guilty when I do soā¦ a bad program in my head, bad egoā¦”- feeling trapped by your internalized guilt and negative self-talk (“bad program in my head”) when you try to defend yourself.
“I am learning to defend myself with peace and compassion. If I can do this, I will be happier and people around me, too”- actively working on learning to defend yourself in a way that aligns with your values of peace and compassion.
“I am not afraid of people who do not like me anymore. It is okay! It is their right”- you developed a healthier attitude towards rejection, recognizing that it is normal and not a threat to your well-being.
This post reflects your journey from feeling trapped by societal expectations, blame, and internalized guilt to developing self-awareness, acceptance, and healthier coping mechanisms. Your reactions show a commitment to personal growth and embracing her true self with peace and compassion.
And now, to the title of your thread: “Will I ever be free of this fear of people?”- I’d say that you are already in the process of freeing yourself of your fear of people. The more power you take for yourself, according to your values (aggression is not a way to take power that fits your values), the freer you will be.
Here’s a short poem for you, Jana:
In the quiet whispers of your soul,
A strength within begins to grow.
Youāve faced the storms, the harshest cold,
Yet still you stand, brave and bold.Embrace the power that’s yours to claim,
A beacon bright, an eternal flame.
With every step, let courage guide,
In life’s vast sea, let your spirit glide.For in your heart, a warrior’s might,
To face the dark and seek the light.
With peace and love, your shield and sword,
You write your story, word by word.When voices doubt and shadows fall,
Stand tall and heed your inner call.
For you possess the grace to soar,
Through every challenge, forever more.So cherish all that makes you, you,
The introverted, tender, true.
With every breath, let power rise,
And paint the world with hopeful skies.anita
anitaParticipantDear Jana:
Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement! š I’m still a work in progress, and always will be. There’s always more to see, more to understand.
Tiny buddha is indeed a wonderful community, and I’m grateful to be a part of it. I gather information from various online sources in the process of replying to members in these forums. I’ve done so for a decade almost (since May 2015). This is my learning playground.
As for your question, I will tell you if we communicate privately, as in email. It is not a warm state though and the ground is currently frozen. I almost panicked the other day while working outside. I thought my big toes froze to death.
It’s lovely that you’re reaching out to make friends here. I’m happy to connect and chat with you more!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
I want to review our valuable communication on this thread before I reply to your recent posts, so to better integrate what I processed so far before moving forward with the conversation. I expect to do it by Monday. I remember that you said that you take a break from the computer on weekends. I wish you a good Friday and a restful weekend!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Lisa:
You are welcome and it’s good to read from you again! Thank you for your good wishes for me.
“I live in a constant state of worry. I have never felt secure. Why canāt anyoneās advice cure me?… I wish I could have a checklist of what I need to do to cure myself.”-
– Thank you for sharing your feelings. It sounds like you’re still in a lot of pain. I know that you’ve been struggling for a long, long time, living in a constant state of worry and never feeling secure. It’s understandable that you’d feel frustrated when advice doesn’t cure your pain.
I spent close to three hours going through every page of your 2 threads, 39 pages combined. One thing that occurred to me in regard to this thread, which you titled “Alone”, is that many more people replied to you than to other original posters in other threads. To me, it means that you are not alone being Alone.
Alone with a capital A.
I can see that your Alone is more alone than most other people’s Alone. There are other people who are as devastatingly alone as you are. Some even more than you. Can you imagine that?
Your Alone has not been a temporary state, such as most people experience, but a significant and defining aspect of your life. It’s been a deep, pervasive loneliness, shaping how you view yourself and your life. It acts as a lens through which you view the world, filtering your interactions and relationships through the prism of isolation, having led you to withdraw, avoid new relationships, or sabotage potential connections due to fear of further rejection and hurt.
A chronic state of loneliness erodes a person’s sense of self-worth as the person internalizes the idea that he/ she is unworthy of love, companionship, and support. The emotional pain of feeling Alone can lead to constantly battling feelings of sadness, despair, and frustration, seeing oneself as fundamentally different or disconnected from others, reinforcing the belief that one is destined to be an outsider.
Feeling Alone can easily dampen one’s motivation to pursue goals and aspirations. Lack of support and encouragement makes it difficult to sustain ambition and drive.
Here is a profound expression of the magnitude of your Alone: “It is so ingrained in me to think I am not part of the human race and feeling like I come from another planet” (July 17, 2017)
Other expressions- April 14-17, 2020: āI am alone with no one to help meā¦ I wish I had someone in my life to help me along the wayā¦ I donāt know what to do. If only I had that one lifeline growing upā.
Feb 14, 2020: “I am right now alone in my misery againā¦ human beings are insensitive creaturesā¦ vile disgusting hateful creatures to ever walk the planet. I hate humans. I hate them. No one stops these creeps from stomping all over the world and do whatever they want. No one protects the helpless”.
Jan 21, 2023: āNothing to report except more of the same. People whose only goals in life are the same as reptilesā¦ crushing the hopes and dreams.. they are free to break rules, oppress, ban, and spread lies about others”-
– In general, the emotional pain of being Alone makes a person extremely sensitive to interactions with others, being hyper-aware of perceived slights, rejections, and indifference. Negative experiences with a few individuals can be generalized to a broader view of humanity. This can result in seeing all people as inherently bad or untrustworthy.
To cope with the overwhelming emotional pain of being Alone, the individual may project their hurt outward, seeing others as the source of their suffering. By externalizing their pain, they attempt to make sense of their feelings and find a target for their anger and frustration.
Viewing others negatively serves as a protective barrier. It creates an emotional distance, reducing the risk of further hurt or disappointment. By seeing others as inherently bad or untrustworthy, the individual can justify their isolation and protect themselves from potential harm.
The individual’s negative perception of others can lead to a confirmation bias, where they selectively notice and remember negative interactions while overlooking positive ones. This reinforces their belief that others are bad people (“insensitive creaturesā¦ vile disgusting hateful creatures… creeps… reptiles”, your words).
The negative perception can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. By expecting others to be hurtful or indifferent, the individual may unconsciously behave in ways that elicit negative responses, further validating their beliefs and perpetuating the cycle of loneliness and mistrust.
Having gone over the pages, I noticed how gracious you’ve always been as you responded to members who posted in your treads: you addressed each member by name, thanked them for their input, expressed empathy to members who expressed their pain, and wished them well. I think that your grace, attention and empathy to your responders indicates that despite negatively viewing humanity, you still have a deep desire for connection and understanding. Responding graciously to those who engage with your threads allowed you to maintain some level of social interaction and validation, and/ or (?) you may have learned to respond graciously and empathetically as a way to adhere to social norms and expectations. This behavior can be a way to maintain a sense of normalcy and acceptance in her interactions.
I also noticed (as I noticed it in the past, repeatedly) that often, you expressing yourself in a unique, creative way.
May 14, 2020: āI canāt see myself as anything but a victim. I was a good child and so many things worked against me becoming a good adult. The same people who abandoned me and tore away at my self-esteem, rolled their eyes at me, betrayed meā¦ I needed help a long time ago and they let me sinkā¦ When Iām upset, no one comes to me. When Iām calm no one comes to me, when appear happy no one comes to meā-
– Here you expressed a deep-seated belief that you have been wronged by others and by circumstances beyond your control, which is truly what happened to you as a baby and child growing up. This sense of victimhood is a recurring theme in your narrative in regard to your adulthood. The negative perception of humanity, as you expressed in the quote about people being like reptiles who crush hopes and dreams, aligns with your broader view of others as hostile and untrustworthy.
Your statement about no one coming to you when you are upset, calm, or happy highlights your consistent feelings of loneliness and isolation, feeling disconnected from others, regardless of your emotional state.
“Why does the universe always put me in these awful positions?” (I lost the date of this quote)- This statement reflects a feeling of lack of control over your life circumstances, perceiving yourself as being at the mercy of external forces (the universe) that dictate your experiences. This aligns with your sense of victimhood, where you feel that you are targeted or singled out for suffering, things happening to you rather than you having control over your life.
Attributing your difficulties to the universe may be a way to avoid seeing how- as an adult- you contribute to your state of Alone.
You were truly a victim as a child, and at times as an adult as well. Your pain and the challenges you faced have been immense. Healing (what you referred to yesterday as “cure myself”) is about finding a balanced perspective where you acknowledge the external factors that have impacted you so much, but also acknowledge your own agency and take responsibility for your actions in the maintaining of your Alone.
While many things have happened to you that were unfair and out of your control, there are areas where you can take small steps to create positive changes (agency). But you’d need to be persistent and very, very patient with yourself, expecting small, gradual progress, and not give up when experiencing setbacks.
You’d need to recognize and celebrate your strengths and achievements, no matter how small. Building a sense of agency and self-efficacy will help you feel more in control of your life.
Youāve shown resilience by surviving through very tough times. Recognizing and building on your strengths can help you take charge of your life in new ways. Itās important that you don’t fall into the trap of self-blame but instead see responsibility as a path to empowerment.
Taking responsibility doesnāt mean blaming yourself. It means recognizing where you have the power to make changes and being kind to yourself as you navigate those changes.
anita
anitaParticipantDear peter:
I will start with processing what you shared at the end of your second, recent post:
“Then this morning as I woke I had the intuition to step back and let these notions weāve been exploring go for ā their is a time to think and analyze and a time to treasure up and ponder in ones heart”-
– your intuition prompted you to step back and let go of the intellectual exploration and analysis we’ve been engaging in. This implies a shift from active thinking and problem-solving to a more passive and reflective state.
You acknowledge that there is a time to think and analyze, which involves actively engaging with ideas, breaking them down, and seeking to understand them logically and intellectually. Conversely, you recognize that there is also a time to “treasure up and ponder in one’s heart.” This suggests a period of reflection and contemplation, where the focus is on deeply feeling the ideas rather than dissecting them. It’s about allowing the insights to settle within and resonate on a more emotional and intuitive level.
I agree that there needs to be a balance between intellectual analysis and emotional reflection. While analyzing and thinking are important for understanding concepts, itās equally crucial to take time to step back, reflect, and let these notions resonate within the heart. This approach allows for a more holistic and integrated understanding of the ideas, connecting both the mind and the heart.
“That said looking back at some old journal entries I noticed that Iāve struggled with my relationship with the notion of hope so I might explore that in my next posts.”-
– The act of looking back at old journal entries indicates a period of reflection and introspection. It shows that you are revisiting your past thoughts and experiences to gain insights and understand your current state of mind. You acknowledge that you have struggled with your relationship with the concept of hope, that you found it challenging to understand or maintain a positive relationship with it.
The struggle with hope implies emotional complexity, as hope is often intertwined with expectations, dreams, and uncertainties about the future. You expressed an intention to explore the notion of hope in your future posts. This indicates a proactive approach to understanding and addressing your struggles with hope. It shows a willingness to delve deeper into your feelings and thoughts on the subject.
The desire to explore hope further suggests a commitment to personal growth and self-improvement. By examining your relationship with hope, you aim to gain clarity and possibly find a more constructive way to engage with it.
“‘Love is the one thing weāre capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space.’ ā Dr. Brand, Interstellar”- I feel it right now, an Eternal Now kind of right now. I feel it. And indeed, as I feel it, I don’t feel a need for labels and measurements. There is no problem in the feeling of it, therefore, nothing to solve, nothing to think about.
My thoughts: generally, we live in the Eternal Realm and in the Temporal Realm. it is not possible to live, as humans, in one or the other. Our brains label for survival just like any other organism (trees label sunlight as desirable- without the thinking- and grow toward it, seeking it; a unicellular protozoan labels acidic water as dangerous, and actively moves away from it). Living solely in the Eternal requires a non-functioning brain on our parts, as humans.
It’s about living in both, letting go of attachment to one or the other. Not labeling either one as superior to the other.
I want to reply further later, Thurs morning. But before I leave your thread for the day, about hope: the image that comes to my mind is that of little kid, me as a girl, you as a boy: we wouldn’t have any trouble stating what we hope for back then, would we? I mean, before fear took too much place in our hearts and minds.
If you ask peter the young boy: “what do you hope for?” What will he say?
I am asking anita the young girl: “what do you hope for?” I answer: LIFE! I want to LIVE! I want to LIVE!” (interestingly, I didn’t say “I hope to live”. I said: I want to live).
Back to you tomorrow.
anita
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