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anitaParticipantContinued:
I am having a difficult day today, my mother’s voice, paranoid, negative, ‘all people are bad people, trying to take advantage, bad.. BAD people‘ has been playing and re-playing in my brain without my consent. I suppose this is how the brain works: it plays back old recording when one is tired and anxious (my shoulders/ upper back have been hurting for days, ever since I used a small, electrical mower, for hours).
I felt depressed for the first time in a long, long time, just not right. Still don’t feel right. Was up about 4 am, it’s now 14 hours later, the day is just too long when feeling this way. I am depressed over people’s pain, people (a person) I care about. I feel depressed over the state of the world: so much violence, war, cruelty.. I am not finding the Positive this evening. I WISH I could save the world.. like a superwoman- anita I wish I was. I’d do ANYTHING, everything to save the millions of people that need saving. How incompetent I am, how useless, how insignificant when it comes to making the world a bit better.
Hey, I just noticed I feel a bit better for having typed this.
I’d do anything. I’ll climb the tallest mountain, if.. it made a difference.
One person (me) wanting to make a difference, not having a way to make a difference. If only I was a world leader, a celebrity, I would have spoken, I would have made a difference.
But as it is, there is no way for me to.. what are the words to the song…: “If I can change the world, I would be the sunlight in your universe, you would think my love is something really good… If I can change the world, I would be the sunlight in your universe.. If I could change the world, if I could.. If I could change the world” (Eric Clapton).
I am a hard worker irl; I am known in this part of the world where I live as “the hardest working person”, so say some hard-working people observing me (physical work), day after day, month after month, year after year. If I could.. if I could change the world with my hard, physical work.. I would!
But.. how futile my desire to change the world.
Here I am typing to.. who is reading? A person or two.
It’s so very weird, this internet thing. Eric Clapton I still singing on the other window as I am typing this: “I shot the sheriff, but I didn’t shoot no deputy… I shot… I shot the sheriff“. I live in a very wild-west area, U.S., men in cowboy hats and beards (younger men: long beards, older men: short beards), and of course, weapons that go along with the beards and cowboy hats. I may be digressing. but hey, I am feeling better for it.
Somehow the music on the other window passed on to “the thrill is gone“/ B. B. King, great music (thank you for being here with me, those of you who are reading, 2-3 people I gather, at the most): “The thrill is gone” (the thrill is always gone, says I, it’s in its nature to be gone): “you know I’m free, free now baby, I am free from your spell… You’ve done me wrong; you’d be sorry some day“- my goodness, this is excellent music, the Blues. This song is thrilling me (!) and the day’s depression is gone!
The magic of the Blues.
There are other songs about changing the world: “Can’t do it by myself… Together we can change the world.. With our hand and our hearts, we can make a start.. What if we spoke with one voice… Together…” (Mark Shepard, so it says, never heard this song before).
Back to Eric Clapton: “this love I have inside… it’s only in my dreads; I can change te world.. If I could, cha-change the world… I would be the sunlight in your universe… cha-change the world“.
It seems like too much to ask: TO CHANGE THE WORLD, to BE THE SUNLIGHT IN YOUR UNIVERSE, for crying out loud!
“If I could reach the stars.. shining on my heart, so you can see the truth, then this love I have inside… it’s only in my dreams“-
– human/ most human’s impotence.. if only I could change the world…
“I would be the sunlight in your universe, you would think my love was something good“- which brings me to my story: my mother thought that my love was something bad, that I was something bad, and so was everyone else. And these were the thoughts circulating in my brain today: how bad everyone is.
“I must be strong and carry on” (Eric Clapton still, Tears in Heaven) “Time can bring you down… Time can break your heart… Beyond the dark, there’s peace for sure… There’ll be no more tears in heaven“.
“It’s late in the evening… And then she asks me, Do I look alright?… And then she asks me Do you feel alright?.. because I see the light in your eyes.. My darling, you are wonderful tonight” (Eric Clapton, Wonderful Tonight)
Here is one of my most- ever- favorite song: “mama told me when I was young, sit beside me, my only son, and listen closely to what I say, and if you do this, it will help you some sunny day… take your time, don’t live too fast, troubles will come, and they will pass… and be a SIMPLE kind of man… be a simple, be a simple man, why don’t you do this, for my son, if you can… All you need is in your soul… follow your heart, and nothing else, you can do this if you try… a simple kind of man” (Simple Man, Lynyrd Skynyrd).
Thank you 1-3 people reading this, being here with me this Tues night.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kshitij:
“even this line made my anxiety and intrusive thoughts surge“- I think that an Attitude Change is required: from being scared of and surrendering to the fear-driven intrusive thoughts, going belly up, so to speak, to => => => Courage and standing up for yourself against the intrusive thoughts, as in looking them in the eye, and saying: I am STRONGER than you.
12:43 am where you are at.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kshitij:
You are welcome!
“True, these are like mental habits, and these mental habits make me suffer a lot. I will try to practice mindfulness more deeply in my daily life“- like any habit, it takes persistent practice to change and form a new habit. It is far from being easy. I wish it was easy!
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
“Over sharing,…can’t shush up… Sounds like me much?“- funny, I’ve been under the impression that you under-share, keeping things vague or just undisclosed. So much so, that I purposefully avoided asking you questions, not wanting to make you feel uncomfortable.
anita
anitaParticipantDear SadSoul:
A corndog is a hot dog placed in corn flower and fried. What I saw Sat, was a twist: instead of corn flower, a doughnut mix was used.
“I’ve never heard of cheese in peanut butter sauce“- no, I wrote “Chinese in peanut butter sauce“, meaning Chinese food, not pizza!
“yes I can do Chinese in peanut. Pepperoni cheese thin crispy pizza!“- good, we understand each other, a culinary meeting-of-the minds.
“One of the fur people, the one that cannot be separated from me, joined me outside and is shivering on my knee“- ohhh. It’s winter where you are, isn’t it? Summer here but chilly.
“I read a thing on adhd in women the other day. Over sharing,…can’t shush up… Sounds like me much? And not you at all“- are you/ have you been diagnosed with ADHD? I talk/ share more than I used to.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kshitij:
“can you please tell me sites/blogs where I can access audios of Mark G. Williams?“- my therapist at the time sent me links to audios by Mark Williams. All I did was click the links. I just googled “mark Williams mindfulness” and got what looks like YouTube audios and videos of his meditations and lectures (I am very low tech)
“Every night I start thinking which ends up making me feel lesser, or unsuccessful personally and career-wise. That adds on to my intrusive thinking…“- these are your mental habits. I have mine. It is difficult to change mental habits. Mindfulness guided meditations are a way to slow down these habits and eventually, with practice and patience, change them. It takes wanting to change these habits and doing what it takes.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Abde:
“Any thoughts or suggestions on how do I close this?“- I’d close it with lessons learned: (1) to not pursue a relationship with a woman for as long as you are still living with another woman (your wife), (2) when in a dating/ matrimonial site, once you are no longer living with your wife, register the truth about your marital status, ex., separated, not yet divorced.
“Is there a semblance of a chance to get back once she knows that I have divorced?“- I think so, particularly if she is considering moving to the U.S. You living in the U.S., being a legal resident or citizen, having a good-paying job: that would be a big attraction for lots of women in other countries who are interested in moving to the U.S. And an honest woman who has this interest should be upfront about it. It doesn’t (and shouldn’t) mean that this is all of her interest in you. There ought to be a meeting of the minds between you and the woman you will be dating: shared values, honesty, trust, respect, consistency of behavior.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kshitij:
You are welcome and thank you for always being honest with me!
“I do not know if it is OCD or depression“- it could very well be both. I was diagnosed with OCD and with Depression at one time.
“Every day there is something that makes me feel a lesser person, that makes me feel my life is not good right now… Sometimes I just feel so weird about life itself, and in those moments I feel very alone.”– you feel very alone, and I know how it feels. But objectively, you are not alone: there are many, many people who feel so very alone. I wonder if there is a support group in Oxford for students who feel very alone.
And you are not a lesser person, Kshitij, I am sure of it, no doubt in my mind!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kshitij:
“I don’t know under what context you sent the last message“- I was afraid that my post about anger (June 14) triggered and upset you (similar to when I sent you quotes), and I felt badly about it, wishing I knew how to be helpful to you instead.
“Thank you for your thread above on repressed anger. Can I take my time to read it? Maybe after 20th when my exams get over?“- of course, and you are welcome. Thank you for being as kind and gracious as you are.
“thank you for your empathy, Anita… “- you are welcome and thank you for your empathy: for caring to let me know that I have been helpful to you.
“I saw your message when I got up today and coincidentally, I had breakdowns last night, I am feeling that something is not right, something is not okay“- that feeling that something is not right is in the core of OCD, and almost anything- if not anything- can trigger this something is not right feeling.
OCD is not really a thinking problem but a feeling problem: it’s not about the content of thoughts but about how we feel about the thoughts. Without OCD, a person can dismiss a thought that one considers weird or illogical, but with OCD, a person gets stuck on the thought, feeling disturbed over it for a long time.
I wish you can find a way to no longer feel distressed about illogical, inconsequential thoughts: just observe the thought and let it pass, not getting caught in and entangled in it.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Raising Again:
You are very welcome. Do your best to be kind to yourself, and you will perform better at work and elsewhere. Anytime you’d like to share more, here on this thread or in another you may want to start in the future (so to not feel alone), you are welcome to do so.
anita
June 17, 2024 at 6:37 pm in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #433930anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
oceanic society. org: “Sea turtles are often compared to dinosaurs due to their scaly, reptilian appearance. In fact, sea turtles were around at the same time as dinosaurs! That’s right, sea turtles as we know them today evolved 110 million years ago and have changed very little in the years since. This means that they not only coexisted with dinosaurs for around 45 million years, but they also outlived them, surviving the mass extinction event that took place approximately 65 million years ago…
“Sea turtles take an extremely long time to grow from a hatchling into a reproductive adult. Depending on the species, a female sea turtle can take between 10 and 30+ years to lay her first eggs“- and the Sea Turtle OP of this thread is 25-years-old, still has time before laying her first eggs..?
“When sea turtles hatch from their nests, it’s thought that they learn their location using the Earth’s magnetic field, a phenomenon known as geomagnetic imprinting. Even after as many as 30 years, when a sea turtle hatchling becomes a mature adult, it remembers the location from which it was born, like an address. The turtle will then be able to navigate thousands of miles back to the same beach (or nearby beach) to lay its eggs“- thinking about you, Sea Turtle.
anita
anitaParticipantI am sorry that you are suffering, Kshitij. I wish I could help. I wish you will get help from someone, someone who understands exactly what you need, and how to go about it.
anita
anitaParticipantLisa feels Alone, but she is not alone feeling-Alone: there are others out there feeling utterly alone. I felt Alone for the longest time. I am not Alone Anymore.
anita
June 17, 2024 at 5:49 pm in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #433927anitaParticipantThinking about you, Robi, hoping you are okay.
anita
anitaParticipantDear SadSoul:
I am back Safe and Sound, reporting to Sad Soul. I took bear spray with me, not porridge and I took a shorter route on public road (still not much travelled, but feels safer)
“Maybe I should go on a walk and face the wild beasts.. probably just someone’s stray chihuahua“- (smiling anita turquoise face emoji).
“Eggs are one of my favourites. And peanut butter, and pizza, and Chinese! I love food… Great big gross sounding coughs while making a cold hotdog. No thanks“- for crying out loud: cold hotdogs with droplets of spit.. which reminds me of the corn dogs cart during the Sat parade: hotdogs in donut dough. I didn’t order any.
Brekkie with SadSoul: Chinese in peanut butter sauce and extra cheese, thin slice pizza!
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 