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anitaParticipantIn regard to the title of my thread: “Life Worth Living”- life that is worth living is a life where you FEEL alive. A life where you are in the center of it, LIVING. The way I “lived” so much of my life.. honestly, it wasn’t worth it.
Life is a matter of quality (REALLY living), not a matter of quantity.
And.. I am living the quality right now, these months, these few years.. increasingly so- Q.U.A.L.I.T.Y.
Listening to B. B. King, The Thrill is Gone.. totally danceable!
Now, listening to the Bohemian Rhapsody.. “Momma.. didn’t mean to make you cry… Momma…. I wish I was never been born at all”- my sentiment… See how important MOTHERS are..?
The Billie Jean, live performance, 1997 (I was 36, he was 37 or 38), NO GREATER TALENT, no doubt! The dance moves.. W.O.W… The moon walk.
Sinea’d O’Connor (born 6 years after me, died 2 years ago), “Nothing Compares… ”
Whitney Houston, “I will always love you” (born 2 years after me, died 3 years ago).
Not yet dark outside, birds alive and singing. It makes me feel good to hear them!
Anita
anitaParticipantjournaling-
For those of you (my.. many readers, ha ha) who wonder why I journal- the reason is the deep disconnect I lived through for so long- a stranger to myself. The stories I tell here about my early life, because of the disconnect, I haven’t been able to find myself in these stories. So, I kept telling my stories trying so to find ME in the stories.
I went missing from my life at a very early age.
My stories didn’t feel real.
I have been so very confused, for so very long.
And in all that, in my disappearance-act, my MOTHER was a looming presence, like a.. Goddess of Misery.
So histrionically miserable (those endless episodes of how-miserable-I-am-and-I-will-tell-you-all-about-the-many-many-many-miseries), that there was no space for me, no right to have my own space.
Had to cure her misery first.. then maybe, maybe there’ll be some space for me.
Failed.
It is recently that I am reclaiming my lost, stolen space.
I do it here, in my threads, and I do it on the dancing floor- 70s-80s free style, always after a few drinks.
And when it happens, like it did last Saturday, a band was playing on the stage outdoors- I started to move to the music (Tom Petty’s music), and MAGIC!
Dozens of people could see me, and they did, and I didn’t mind. I moved to the music and felt so very ALIVE.
..My mother would have never allowed me to dance.. not as long as she was Miserable.
I would be BAD if I danced while she was miserable.
Captive By Her Misery.
So, I danced last Saturday.
After the dancing (a shy smile on my face right now), two men approached me, separately, and suggested to get to know me better. Seems like they found my dancing.. attractive? The second man seemed sincere, told me he watched me dancing and was.. intrigued, don’t remember his exact words, was tipsy. He seemed like a decent older man, sincerely interested, he really tried to get his message across.
So, well, I declined.
My dream is to dance The Billie Jean.. well, I already did, a bit, his moves, well, a few of his moves.
To summarize it, I suffocated in my mother’s misery, cared too much, couldn’t, wouldn’t allow myself any happy, not for as long as she was so deeply miserable.
D.A.N.C.I.N.G
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
Thank you so much for your kindness and for seeing that part of me. Iâm only just beginning to see it myself. Your message helped me feel a little more grounded in that truthâand a little less alone with it.
Youâre rightâitâs heartbreaking how many people donât receive the love and safety they deserve, especially from those who were meant to protect them. But your compassion is a reminder that healing can happen in connection, and that we can offer each other the care we didnât always receive.
Iâm truly grateful for your presence. Thank you for walking alongside me. â¤ď¸
With warmth, Anita
anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
Iâm really glad to hear that the heaviness has lifted and that youâre feeling more at ease. Giving yourself permission to take time alone isnât selfishâitâs wise. Itâs beautiful that doing so helped you enjoy your time with your son even more. That shift from âhave toâ to âwant toâ says a lot about how far youâve come.
Youâre doing such meaningful workâboth for yourself and for him. â¤ď¸
With care, Anita
anitaParticipantJournaling, motivated by precious Alessa’s input:
In between seeing my mother as the innocent child that I have hurt and harmed (her claim), and seeing me as the innocent child that she has hurt and harmed-
See this gap?
There’s an adjustment I need to make: who is the destroyer; who is the destroyed? Who is whom?
Yes, I see it: she was the destroyer; I was the one destroyed.. by her.
Yes, I see.
So, evil is just this and nothing else: destroying the weak because they are weak.
Yes, I see.
Yes, I understand.
A definition of evil= targeting the weak for destruction because they are weak.
Yes, I was weak.. she detected my weakness and went about destroying me.. simply because it was easy, because she could.
The child that my mother was is long gone.
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
“Why does someone choose to act at certain times and not others?”- because it is safe to attack the defenseless. I guess this is what evil is about.
There’s a difference between Courage (fighting against injustice) and Evil (mercilessly attacking the blameless).
You are making a very good point, Alessa.
You pointed in the direction of what evil is about, the destroying a defenseless, innocent child.
Not the destruction was complete- not for lack of effort on the part of the destroyer-in-chief, aka Mother.
Yes, I see evil for what is, thank you, Alessa.
Anita
anitaParticipant* Typos, incorrect grammar, etc., are common in my journaling. Here’s a little correction: “I see it more clearly this late Sunday morning (11:21 am right now) than I ever did in my whole life! The way I see it now, evil (the intentional harming of another), may be about.. people retroactively protecting themselves, or rebelling against intentional harm done to them by people who… retroactively protected themselves from harm done to them, etc.
anitaParticipantJournaling because I want to.
I was going to start with journaling because I can. But I shifted to.. because I want to.
The because-I-can comes from a place of rebellion, as in: I am not allowed to take space, but I am going to anyway! So, there!
The I-want-to comes from a place that is more relaxed.
Living with my mother for so very, so very, very long, way too long (it felt like being trapped in a forever), I couldn’t. Couldn’t express because.. well, expression was subject to prolonged hostile attacks.
To provide the psychological background to it: she was full of shame and she interpreted what she believed I was feeling as intentional efforts, on my part, to shame her. Completely not true to the reality that was, but that’s how she interpreted people’s expressed emotions, and she felt safe to express her dissatisfaction to me, her minor-age daughter, than to other people she did not .. “own”.
I believe it’s her oldest sister who cruelly shamed my mother, when my mother was a child, severely abusing her physically and emotionally. Fast forward, she “sees” that shaming in the emotions of a child (me) who desperately loved her and would have done ANYTHING to help her.
A projection thing, completely inaccurate, but.. that’s what she saw: rejection and hate in the eyes of little-girl-anita, a perceived rejection and hate that she responded to with.. intense rejection and hate.
Now, I can’t blame her for reciprocating my (non-existent) rejection of her because she really.. sincerely believed that I rejected her.
I remember her going on and on about how I intended to hurt her and implemented mt alleged plan to do just that. I tried to explain, but she wouldn’t listen and argued that I did plan to hurt her.
It wasn’t me that she saw, it was her oldest sister who was indeed terribly cruel and abusive to her.
It Wasn’t Me.
I see it more clearly this late Sunday night that I ever did in my whole life!
The way I see it now, evil (the intentional harming of others), may be about.. retroactively protecting themselves, or rebelling against intentional harm done to them by people who retroactively protected themselves.
I appreciate my own insight, that which I expressed right above, but if I somehow talked to my mother- following 12 years of no contact- she wouldn’t understand. Not capable.
And there’s nothing I can do about it.
Nothing I can do to undo or redo anything that involves her.
I wonder, what is it that makes a person bad, as in a bad person..?
I think that the answer is in the harm the person causes another intentionally, with the intent to harm.
But as I think of my mother small smile when she recognized the hurt in my face, following something very shameful that she has just said…
I don’t hate her back. I understand that in her mind- she was enjoying her revenge in regard to her oldest sister, seeing her oldest sister face where mine was.
Can you blame a person for hurting the one who had hurt them for so long and taking a little pleasure in it?
That it was a mistaken identity case.. well, she didn’t know.
I am quite proud of myself right now, for having reached this nuanced understanding of my mother.. and of myself. And of life.
For me, my mother was EVERYTHING. For her.. I was her oldest sister, someone to defeat.
If I wrote an autobiography, I might title it MISTAKEN IDENTITY.
To me, my mother is like a little child who needs heavy-duty reparenting, a little girl that needs to be taught, or shown what love is, a little girl that should be given the opportunity to trust.
You know.. how oversimplifying can make a person feel better for the short term (as in, if I said: my mother was a bad person! I am a good person, so three!)? But it’s only short term. Seeing shades of grey, nuance, complexity, zooming out and seeing the bigger picture- that involves pain. But after doing this long enough, it brings calm simply because of seeing things as they are.
So, my mother is a person I can never reach.
My mother is a person who can never see me.
An unbridgeable gap.
To be so close to a person and yet so very, very far.
Okay, enough for now. Thank you for reading (assuming anyone is reading đ).
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Gerald:
Thank you for sharing this. Thereâs something so tender and grounding about those wordsâlike theyâre inviting us to slow down and remember the small, good things that often get lost in the rush.
Hereâs a little continuation, in the same spirit:
And if youâre tired
Or feeling low
Just rest a bit
And let it go
The world can wait
A little while
While we sit still
And share a smileThanks again for bringing this moment into the day.
Warmly, Anita
July 6, 2025 at 9:06 am in reply to: Should I Forget about him, or was he the one that got away? #447356anitaParticipantDear Emma:
Yes, the 4th of July is a big celebration here. I spent much of the day downtownâstreets were closed, thousands of people gathered, and there was a huge parade. One part of the parade really stood out to me: a group of belly dancers in beautiful costumes. One of them looked to be in her early 30s, another in her 50s, and one was likely in her late 60s.
Theyâre part of the Every Body is a Belly Dance Body movementâan inclusive, body-positive belly dance community that welcomes dancers of all ages, sizes (including plus-size and older women), genders, and backgrounds. Itâs not about looking a certain wayâitâs about expression, joy, and reconnecting with your body.
Do you think something like that might speak to you? Or even help youâbeing part of a group like that?
What you shared today about your parents really stood out to me. It sounds like, growing up, there wasnât much space for your emotionsâespecially the harder ones like anger or sadness. When you tried to express hurt to your mother, she became upset and turned it back on you, calling you âoverly sensitive.â That must have been incredibly frustrating. Instead of feeling heard, it sounds like you were made to feel like your feelings were the problem.
With your father, the message seemed more subtle but still clear: emotionsâespecially angerâshould be quickly ârestoredâ or changed. That likely taught you that strong feelings werenât really welcome, and that they needed to be managed or pushed aside rather than understood.
Given all that, it makes complete sense that now, as an adult, you feel the need to keep some distance. Thatâs not unfairâitâs protective. Youâre trying to give yourself the freedom and emotional space you didnât have growing up. Wanting that space doesnât mean you donât care about your parents. It means youâre learning to care for yourself, too.
And your anger? Itâs valid. Itâs not about blamingâitâs about recognizing what you needed and didnât get. Thatâs part of healing. Youâre not wrong for feeling it.
I really relate to what you shared about your mother. Mine was emotionally fragile too, and often centered on her own pain. I learned to push my emotions down to avoid upsetting her. She took up a lot of space expressing her feelings, but there wasnât any space for mine. I felt a lot, but those feelings were often criticized or dismissed. One emotion I felt strongly was empathyâfor her. I had none for myself, not that I remember. All of my emotional energy went toward her. And like you, I didnât have much agency in my life either.
When a daughter grows up emotionally close to a mother whoâs easily overwhelmed, it can lead to something called enmeshment. Thatâs when the emotional boundaries between you and your mother get blurred. You might feel responsible for her feelings, or like you have to protect her from your own. Over time, it becomes hard to know where she ends and you begin.
In that kind of relationship, itâs common to:
* Push down your feelings to avoid upsetting her
* Feel guilty for wanting space or independence
* Second-guess your choices, especially if they go against what she might want
* Struggle to say ânoâ or to trust your own voice
I think this is something we have in commonâa history of enmeshment with our mothers, and the impact that had on our sense of agency.
Thatâs why I wonder if your feelings for Philip might not just be about him, but about what he represents. Maybe he felt like a way outâa new emotional home. When someone grows up enmeshed/ emotionally trapped, itâs common to develop a fantasy that someone else will come along and understand them completely, love them unconditionally, take them away from the emotional chaos, and give them permission to be themselves
This kind of hope is powerful, even if itâs not always conscious. And when that person pulls away or doesnât live up to the fantasy, the grief can feel overwhelmingânot just because of the breakup, but because it feels like losing the only imagined way out.
The hard part is that this fantasy can delay the real work of separation. Instead of building agency from the inside out, the hope gets placed on someone else to ârescueâ you from the emotional bind with your parents.
But real agency doesnât come from being chosen. It comes from choosing yourself.
You asked about Philipâs attachment style. I honestly donât know. But I also want to be careful hereâbecause analyzing him might just give you more reasons to keep thinking about him. And I wonder if thatâs part of whatâs keeping you from turning fully toward your own healing. The more time you spend trying to understand him, the less space there is to focus on building your own sense of strength and freedom.
I say all of this with care, and with full respect for how painful this is. Youâre doing something really hardâand really important: youâre starting to separate from old patterns, speak your truth, and take your life back.
With warmth and care, Anita
anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
Thank you so much for your message. I could feel the care and honesty in your words, and I really appreciate that you took the time to reflect so deeply on something so personal to me.
My mother caused me a lot of harm, and I donât excuse that. But I also know she was shaped by her own pain. She had a terrible childhoodâshe lost her mother, her father was an alcoholic who neglected her, and she was terribly abused by her older sister, both physically and emotionally. She spent time in an orphanage-like institution. Looking back, I can see that there were times when she was a good person. But when she wasnâtâwhen she turned that pain outwardâshe did it with full force. The shaming, the guilt-tripping, the relentless emotional pressure⌠that harm lives in my body every single day, every single hour, in the form of these tics.
I suppose I hold a nuanced view of herâas someone complex, and someone who was once an innocent child herself, harmed so badly that she may not have been able to help herself. That thought fills me with sadnessâfor the girl she was, long before I ever came into her life.
Thank you again for your kindness, and for holding space for my grief. It means more than I can say.
With care, Anita
anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
Iâm really glad to hear you felt better yesterday, and I hope that feeling is still with you today. It takes a lot of strength to open up the way you did, and Iâm so glad it helped to get some of it off your chest. Youâre doing your best, and it truly shows.
That last thing you said really stayed with me: âChildren donât want perfection, they just want to be loved.â- Itâs such a powerful reminder. I imagine itâs easy for a mother to feel pressure to get everything rightâbut what really matters is being there with love and care. Thatâs what children remember. Thatâs what makes the difference.
Youâre showing up for him with loveâand thatâs more than enough. I hope you can offer some of that same kindness to yourself, too.
With care, Anita đź
anitaParticipantI don’t disagree, Alessa, and I very much appreciate your thoughts and sentiment.. You do understand, and I appreciate you â¤ď¸. I will write more tomorrow, or on Monday.
Anita
anitaParticipantHow are you, Tom?
Gregory, I was so delighted to see your postâitâs been almost a year since you last shared, and Iâve genuinely been thinking about you. How have you been? (If you feel like it, maybe you could reply in your own thread?) đ
Anita đ¤
July 5, 2025 at 8:20 am in reply to: Should I Forget about him, or was he the one that got away? #447341anitaParticipantDear Emma:
Iâve been a bit busier than usual lately, though not quite as much as I expected with the Fourth of July weekendâso Iâve had a little more time in front of the computer, and youâve been on my mind.
Thereâs something I wanted to share with you, in case it resonates. Itâs a concept called shadow work. Itâs about becoming aware of the parts of ourselves weâve learned to hideâthings like anger, shame, jealousy, or even the belief that weâre âtoo muchâ or ânot enough.â These parts often form in childhood or past relationships, where we were made to feel that certain emotions or needs werenât acceptable.
Shadow work is about gently noticing those parts, understanding where they came from, and learning to accept them instead of pushing them away.
You once mentioned being surprised that Philip liked you, and wondering if someone more secure or less emotional would have been a better match. That really stayed with me. Shadow work, in this case, might mean turning toward the part of you that feels unworthyânot to fix it, but to understand it and care for it. It can begin with something very simple.
Hereâs one way to start:
Notice when the feeling shows up. Maybe itâs when you think, âI was too much,â or âHe wouldnât have left if I were better.â Just pause and gently say to yourself, âAh, this is the part of me that feels unworthy.â
Ask where it came from. You might wonder, âWhen did I first feel this way?â or âWhose voice does this sound like?â Often, these feelings come from early experiencesâtimes when we were made to feel like our emotions or needs were too much, or not welcome.
Speak to that part with kindness. Imagine it as a younger version of yourselfâmaybe a little girl who just wanted to be loved and accepted. You might say, âYou didnât do anything wrong. You were never too much. You were just trying to be seen.â
Let the feeling be there without judgment. You donât have to make it go away. Just letting it exist, without pushing it down or trying to explain it away, is already healing.
Remind yourself of your worth. Not because of what you do or how well you handle thingsâbut simply because you exist. You are worthy of love, care, and gentleness, even when you feel unsure or afraid.
This kind of work takes time, and itâs okay to move slowly. Youâve already shown so much courage by naming your feelings and sharing your story. Thatâs not weaknessâitâs strength.
You donât have to be perfect to be lovable. You already are.
Have you ever tried something like this before?
With warmth and care, Anita đ¤
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.