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anitaParticipantHow are you these days, Tom?
anita
March 13, 2025 at 10:10 am in reply to: The phenomenon of “helping someone excessively can make them turn against you” #444114anitaParticipantThinking about you, Arden, wondering how you are doing?
anita
anitaParticipant* I was thinking…
anitaParticipantDear Drew:
was thinking about our last exchange and wondered how things have been going for you. Did you get a chance to see your GP and discuss the ideas we talked about? I hope your strategy was well-received and that youâre making headway.
No pressure to share if youâd rather keep things privateâI just wanted to check in and let you know Iâm still here if youâd like to chat or need any further help.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Elizabeth:
I revisited your original post this morning, and once again, Iâm struck by how thoughtfully and rationally you recount events and emotions. You demonstrate such a deep understanding of your feelings, needs, and limitationsâ clear hallmarks of self-awareness. Despite the frustrations youâve faced, you donât let them cloud your perspective. Instead, you thoughtfully acknowledge othersâ viewpoints, even when they hurt or challenge you, like your husbandâs denial about his family or his defensiveness. This level of balance and emotional strength truly stands out.
I imagine that the decades of psychotherapy you mentioned have played a role in cultivating these strengths, and itâs clear how deeply you care about preserving both your well-being and your relationships.
That said, I can hear how difficult and exhausting it must feel if your husband remains dismissive or critical (“I donât want to spend the last couple of decades of my life hearing about this”) even when youâve expressed your feelings with kindness and honesty. Youâve already done so much to balance your own needs while maintaining your marriage, and I hope you give yourself credit for all the effort youâve put into this.
You mentioned being worried about a rift in your marriage, and I wonderâ what does that look like for you? Is it the fear of ongoing tension, repeated criticism, or something more lasting? Exploring this might help bring clarity to what you need most right nowâwhether thatâs reassurance, support, or even space to focus on your peace of mind.
At the end of the day, you deserve understanding and compassionânot ongoing criticism. Prioritizing your emotional safety is not selfish, even if it means standing firm in the face of negativity. Youâve already shown remarkable strength in navigating these challenges, and I believe in your ability to continue advocating for yourself.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Elizabeth:
You’re very welcome. I can see how hard this situation is for you, especially with your husband not fully supporting your needs. Itâs tough to express yourself when you feel dismissed, but you absolutely deserve to set boundaries for your health and well-being.
If trying to get him to fully understand feels too frustrating, you might focus on calmly stating your decision in a way thatâs clear and firm, while avoiding blame or conflict. Hereâs an approach you could try:
State your decision clearly: Instead of asking for his agreement, let him know what youâve decided in a calm, matter-of-fact way. For example: âIâve thought about the wedding a lot, and Iâve decided I canât go. Itâs just too much for my health right now.â
Acknowledge his feelings: Reassure him that you understand itâs important to him and that youâre not trying to create problems. For example: âI know this wedding is important to you, and I completely support you going. I hope you can understand that I need to take care of myself too.â
Deflect pressure kindly but firmly: If he tries to push back or argue, calmly repeat your decision without engaging in debate. For example: âI hear what youâre saying, but this is the best choice for me. Iâll do everything I can to make it easier for you to go and enjoy the wedding.â
Focus on solutions: Show that youâre willing to help with logistics or support him, even if youâre not attending. For example: âIâll help you pack and get ready for the trip, and Iâll send my best wishes to the happy couple. Let me know how else I can make this easier for you.â
By sticking to this calm, respectful approach, youâre not trying to convince him or seek his full understandingâyouâre simply stating your boundary and offering support for him to attend without you.
Youâre doing the right thing by standing up for yourself. Take care of your health and peace of mindâyou deserve it!
(I will be away from the computer for a few hours).
anita
anitaParticipantDear Elizabeth:
First off, I want to say that youâve been really strong in handling so muchâ your health, emotions, and challenging family dynamics. Youâve done a lot for others, and itâs okay to put yourself first now.
Itâs completely valid to not want to attend the wedding, especially since it could harm your well-being. You donât owe anyone more than what youâve already given.
Hereâs a way you could approach the conversation with your husband:
Start by showing you care about his feelings: âI know this wedding is important to you, and I support you going.â
Share your reasons calmly: âFor me, attending would be too much with my health and how Iâve been feeling lately. The loud, crowded space and food situation make it hard for me.â
Reassure him youâre not trying to create conflict: âI want to help you get ready to go, but I need to stay back to take care of myself.â
Stand firm with kindness: âI hope we can respect each otherâs choices on this and not let it cause any tension between us.â
Let him know youâll send your love and support from home, and maybe add a personal note or gesture for the couple.
Spend the time heâs away doing something relaxing or fun for yourself.
Remember, youâve done more than enough over the years to keep the peace. Itâs okay to protect your own health and peace of mind now. Sending you strength and support!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter and Everyone:
Iâd like to take some time this Wednesday morning to respond to your post, Peter, part by part:
“You have come a long way dealing with the experiences of your past and it.”- Thank you, Peter, for your kind acknowledgment. I truly appreciate it.
“Similarly to your experience I associate anger with abuse and loss of control.”- I believe the key is finding ways to express anger respectfully and with self-control.
“The question I ask myself is once anger has gotten our attention do we need to hold onto it… If we use the energy of anger is there a danger we become what we are protecting ourselves from? Today world events show that to be a truth.”- I agree. When a victim of abuse expresses anger abusively, it creates a tragic cycle where the victim risks becoming the victimizer.
“‘Anger has that peculiar quality of isolation; like sorrow, it cuts one off, and for the time being, at least, all relationship comes to an end…’ â Krishnamurti”- Perhaps itâs abusive expressions of anger that isolate and end relationships. On the other hand, could anger expressed respectfullyâ perhaps even with empathyâ strengthen relationships instead of breaking them? I feel much of our fear of anger stems from how often it is expressed abusively, both in personal lives and on a global scale.
“Looking into my anger⊠yes there is a fear of isolation, separation, shame, lots of shame⊠even when I was the victim of others’ anger and cruelty not deserved. That this fear leaves me feeling angry and depressed. An anger that instead of empowering me to action empowered shame.”- Anger and shame seem so closely connected here. I wonderâ did you, growing up or later on, experience being shamed for expressing anger? Perhaps for your facial expression or even a slight change in your tone? Please donât feel obligated to answer, unless you feel comfortable, but itâs something Iâve been reflecting on.
“Krishnamurti goes on to say ‘It is the explanation, the verbalization, whether silent or spoken, that sustains anger’â- This makes me think: could it be that shame around feeling angry is what sustains it? If anger were given space to breatheâ free from judgmentâ might it dissipate on its own rather than struggle for air?
“I tend to hold on to anger as a shield and or pretense of bravado. Anything to avoid dealing with the experience directly or looking/feeling weak.”- I wonder if, for many of us, anger becomes a coping mechanism to shield us from confronting deeper emotions like shame.
“By forgiveness I do not mean forgive and forget but the process towards an honest Yes to life as it is.”- I really like this sentiment. Perhaps this could also mean embracing a shameless identityâ one where we fully accept ourselves without self-judgment.
“Finally, Krishnamurti says, ‘Anger cannot be got rid of by the action of will, for will is part of violence… To be free from violence, which is not the cultivation of non-violence, there must be the understanding of desire.'”- This resonates with me deeply. It seems to suggest that suppressing anger with willpower only transforms it into another form of violence. True freedom from anger might come through understanding the desires and motivations driving itâ a call for inner reflection rather than outward control.
As I reflect this Wednesday afternoon, I feel a hint of the rage Iâve carried from experiencing abuseâ rage at having been degraded, humiliated, and at passively submitting to it. There is shame not only in having been abused but also in those moments of submission. My desire now is to stand tall and affirm my worthâ equal to anyone elseâs. My hope is to let go of shame and never submit to abuse again.
Equally, I feel a desire to not perpetuate shame or abuse toward anyone else.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kris:
Your thread inspired me to explore the topic of friends with benefits (FWB) further. Iâd love to hear your thoughts on the brief research Iâve compiled below, and I hope it might offer some help as you seek comfort and clarity on this situation (referencing the title of your thread, “Looking for comfort and clarity on this situation”):
Historically, casual sexual relationships have existed in various forms, but the term “friends with benefits” gained popularity in the late 20th century, particularly with the rise of dating apps and media portrayals. Wikipedia in its entry on the topic says that the earliest known use of the term was in the 1995 song “Head Over feet” where one of the lines is: “you’re my best friend, best friend with benefits.”
FWB relationships are typically ongoing arrangements between friends who engage in intimacy without committing to a romantic relationship. While some FWB arrangements might evolve into traditional romantic relationships, this isnât a defining featureâ it depends entirely on the individuals involved and their mutual feelings over time.
One-night stands and hookups, on the other hand, are usually short-term, often one-time encounters with no expectation of an ongoing connection, let alone a romantic relationship. Theyâre more about spontaneity and physical attraction than emotional or relational depth.
From psypost. org/ longitudinal-study-suggests-friends-with-benefits-relationships-work-out-best-for-those-hoping-to-transition-to-friendship: “An online survey was completed by 192 people currently in a friends with benefits relationship (FWBR). All subjects were assessed during an initial survey where they were asked certain things about their FWBR, including how they hoped the relationship would evolve â into friendship, into a romantic relationship, dissipate altogether, or stay the same.
“Most subjects (48%) hoped their FWBR would stay the same, while a quarter of them (25%) hoped that it would turn into a romantic relationship. Smaller numbers of people wanted it to transition to a regular friendship free of sex (12%) or no relationship at all (4%).
“Around 10 months later, subjects took part in a follow-up survey where they were questioned on how their FWBR had evolved… Those who were the least likely to see the relationship outcome they wanted were those who had said they wanted it to transition into romance â only 15% of those who wanted romance saw it happen…
“A reported lack of communication between partners was related to an increased likelihood of the relationship dissipating altogether, suggesting that if partners want to stay in any kind of relationship at all, communication is crucial. ‘Whereas communication is important to all relationship outcomes, it is likely even more important than in traditional romantic relationships,’ the authors emphasize, ‘because FWBRs lack a guiding cultural script to define the roles and trajectory… Machia and colleagues conclude that both communication and aligned expectations are critical for an FWBR to end well.”
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith:
Youâre most welcome! Thank you for being so open and honest in sharing your thoughts. Acknowledging these challenges is a courageous step, and I truly admire your dedication to improving your health and well-being.
Regarding your diet and IBS: while you can use traditional Indian spices when cooking for your husband, for yourself, you might explore IBS-friendly ways to season your food. Fresh herbs like basil, parsley, or dill; gentle spices like cinnamon or turmeric; or even a touch of lemon can add flavor without upsetting your gut. Ingredients like fennel, ginger, and mint are also great options that are both gut-friendly and versatile.
On working remotely: itâs completely understandable to feel more anxious when working alone since the presence of colleagues can be grounding and comforting. To make remote work more manageable, consider creating a soothing home environment, perhaps with calming background sounds or by arranging virtual co-working sessions with a colleague. Small adjustments like these can help make working from home feel less isolating.
As for feeling uneasy about solitude, itâs entirely natural to seek comfort in company, especially when dealing with anxiety. Strengthening your relationship with yourself takes time, but incorporating simple, enjoyable activitiesâsuch as journaling, crafting, or gentle stretchingâinto your alone time can be helpful. Being present in the moment during these activities can make solitude feel more nourishing and less intimidating.
Zenith, your resilience and commitment to addressing these challenges are truly admirable. If thereâs anything more youâd like to share or if thereâs a specific way I can assist you, know that Iâm always here for you.
anita
March 12, 2025 at 10:06 am in reply to: I snooped on my boyfriend's phone and found something. #444084anitaParticipantDear Kim:
Thank you for bringing up this thread. Lucy, the original author of this thread, was 22 years old when she first shared her thoughts on tiny buddha on January 9, 2015â over ten years ago. Throughout her communication with the members who replied to her, Lucy was incredibly kind and gracious. For instance, on January 24, 2015, she wrote: “Thank you SO much to ALL who posted on here!!! Each and every message was so kind and supportive and I almost teared up because I was overwhelmed by these wonderful messages, thank you!”
I wasnât a member of the forums when Lucy first posted, but I had the opportunity to communicate with her between June 2015 and 2017. It was such a pleasure engaging with her during that time, and I dearly wish I could hear from her again.
On October 20, 2015, in her thread titled “Stuck at 23,” Lucy shared: “I know Iâm still young, but Iâm stuck in between two worlds: the world I am so familiar with where finding somebody and marriage would definitely be on the agenda, and the world where I just want to experience the world, meet new people, and end up finding somebody myself who I deem suitable for ME… Iâm spending my days trying to live up to everyone elseâs expectations instead of living my own life for me.”
I wonder what has happened in Lucyâs life since then. It would truly be a privilege to know. I hope to read from Lucy again someday.
Kim, I believe this is your first post in the forums, isnât it? Iâd love to hear more from you as well.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Zenith: I’ll reply Wed morning. Till then please take good care of yourself, and little to no spicy food “one day at a time,” like they say in AA.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
Your reflection on anger is deeply thought-provoking and insightful. Thank you for sharing such a nuanced perspectiveâ youâve touched on profound and meaningful ideas about anger.
I resonate strongly with your observation that angerâs energy can take our attention rather than get it. That aligns with my own experiencesâ how anger can sometimes feel so overwhelming that it overshadows clarity, blocking my ability to see things clearly or make rational decisions. Itâs a powerful force that can dominate our minds if we let it.
It’s true that many of us donât have good examples of how to handle anger in a healthy way. So often, stories in our culture portray anger as something that escalates conflict rather than resolving it. Unfortunately, these portrayals don’t show us how to process anger constructively.
When you wrote, âI wonder if there are two kinds of anger that Iâm wrestling with hereâŠ. The mundane ego experience of anger and that which is of the soul. How the two get all mixed together to confuse things. (Your experience with your mother would be a soul anger),â I found that distinction fascinating. I hadnât thought about anger in this way before, and Iâd like to reflect more on it and expand the idea:
Ego anger is tied to how we see ourselves and how we expect others to treat us. Itâs usually fleeting, reactive, and impulsive. It tends to surface in moments where we feel disrespected, insulted, or ignored, and itâs often about protecting or asserting our egoâ our sense of âme.â
Examples: Feeling anger when a friend forgets my birthday and I interpret it as them not caring about me, or when someone skips ahead of me in line at the grocery store, leaving me feeling disrespected or frustrated.
Soul anger, on the other hand, comes from a deeper placeâ itâs a reaction to profound injustices or violations of core values, dignity, or safety. This type of anger is more enduring and emotionally intense. Itâs tied to experiences that resonate with our inner moral compass or deeply held wounds. When processed constructively, it can inspire meaningful change or deep self-reflection. However, if left unresolved, it can weigh heavily on us.
Examples: Feeling anger toward a parent who was abusive or neglectful, tied to a deep sense of betrayal and harm; anger at seeing vulnerable groups mistreated or exploited, which can motivate advocacy or activism; or anger when witnessing environmental destruction, as it clashes with values about protecting the planet.
Key Differences: Ego anger is usually about personal slights or frustrations and is surface-level, often tied to everyday irritations. Soul anger, in contrast, arises from a deeper sense of injustice or moral violation, tied to enduring wounds or values. While ego anger might push us to defend our pride or assert control, soul anger often calls us to act in the name of justice or to protect what matters most.
Soul anger, like what I experienced in my relationship with my mother, feels deeply tied to a sense of justice and betrayal. But as you wisely noted, holding onto angerâ whether ego or soulâ can harm us and even risk turning us into what we are trying to avoid.
I can also relate to the fear and shame you described feeling alongside anger. Itâs not easy to unpack those emotions, and I admire the way youâve worked through them and found empathy for your younger self. That kind of self-compassion is truly inspiring.
Forgiveness as a way to release resentment is something that deeply resonates with me too. I love how you framed itânot as âforgive and forget,â but as a way to fully accept life as it is and move forward. That perspective feels so freeing and powerful.
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and these quotes. Theyâve given me a lot to think about, and Iâm so grateful for this opportunity to learn from your perspective. Iâll continue reflecting on your post and share more thoughts with you tomorrow.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Alessa:
Your openness and courage shine through in your words. It takes immense strength to look at such complex emotions and patterns from your past, and even more so to work toward understanding and healing them.
What you shared about how anger was shaped by your childhood experiencesâ how it was dangerous to express, how it was buried and misdirectedâ is incredibly powerful. It’s amazing how adaptive children can be, finding ways to survive even the most challenging circumstances. But as youâve pointed out so insightfully, those survival strategies sometimes become roadblocks in adulthood.
The connection youâve made between anger, anxiety, and other emotions is profound. Understanding that anger can be a secondary emotionâtied to feelings like fear, hurt, or powerlessnessâ offers a path to addressing whatâs underneath. Your awareness that misfires of anger or anxiety don’t always signal real present-day threats is a huge step toward reclaiming your sense of safety and calm.
Your commitment to breaking unhealthy patterns, like blaming or criticizing when hurt, is inspiring. Reflecting on oneâs own behavior instead of focusing on others is no small feat, especially when past pain complicates the present. And your mantra practiceâ itâs beautiful to hear how itâs helping you let go of resentment.
You articulated something so essential about human conflict: that it often stems from hurt people perpetuating hurt, and that adding more pain doesnât help. Your belief in kindness, even in conflict, speaks volumes about the compassion and wisdom youâve cultivated through your journey.
Alessa, your growth and self-awareness are a testament to the resilience of the human spirit. Thank you for sharing your experiences so vulnerably and for the blessings youâve sent my way. I feel truly grateful for the connection and strength in your words.
anita
anitaParticipantThank you for the prayer Alessa.
Here is a prayer-poem for you, for me, for everyone:
Whispers of Peace:
In the hush of the heart, a calm is found,
Where echoes of conflict make no sound.
A gentle hand, an open mind,
Peace with others, and peace aligned.Let words be bridges, not walls that bind,
And sow the seeds of love, unconfined.
For in each soul, a light can gleam,
Peaceful together, peaceful apart.anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.