Dear IMBACK:

I think that it’d be a good idea for you to end the relationship with he. Say your goodbye to her, and do it soon, kindly and responsibly (keep it short, be kind). And then, stay away. Don’t go back to her.

anita

Dear IMBACK:

I am saying that if she fits the BPD criteria, a healthy relationship with her is impossible, impossible for you, impossible for any person in your place. Imagine a 100% healthy young man in your place (if there was such a thing), he’d get sick, sooner than later,  being in a relationship with a BPD woman.

anita

Dear ParadoxMusic:

At first, as I was reading your story (original post), it read like a love story in the making, a 17 year old (to turn 18 in two months) meeting a 22-year-old woman (B) in college back in 2022, both wearing masks (a Covid Love Story), you were infatuated with “the most beautiful woman” (mask off), butterflies in your stomach, heart pounding… alone in the elevator, another study session…  a kiss, your very first, “the weirdest, most sensational feeling“.. Halloween, you see “a naked woman for the first time” (B), she made you breakfast, you were “very much in love with her“. First sign of trouble, she tells you that she has feelings for you and for her ex, you broke up, the next day she told you that she chose you. The next day she broke up with you, later to tell you that she “could not bear to be without” you. Another sign of trouble: you saw a picture of her with a towel, naked, with another man (an ex), a picture that was taken after one of the breakups between the two of you (hence the “cheating“ and  technicality you mentioned in the title of your thread). When you turned 18, the two of you watched a movie while cuddling, and you introduced her to your parents. More breakups  followed, including “constant severe fighting“, and getting back together again, “after she apologized for her behavior and understood her mistake“. All this so far quite intense, but still in the parameters of teenagers/ very young people in love.

But then… the story goes into one of life’s very dark sides (reminds me of your use of the words dark energy in a earlier thread). I will summarized this dark side from what you shared: B’s parents neglected B, so her aunt took her in, and proceeded to be.. not a mother for B, but B’s pimp (“the aunt was receiving the money from a married man who was looking for a sexual release with a woman, and she was waiting for the opportunity to sell my girlfriend to him for sex“), and indeed, her aunt arranged for sex between the two, which happened. And this was known and approved of by her extended family.

Following you finding out about this, in one of the getting back together times, she seemed to not understand the wrongness of what she participated in,  and she blamed you again (“She continued to blame me for her own stupid behavior… I ..explained to her in the simplest terms possible what exactly she did and why it was wrong“). Following that, she “realized her mistake and asked (you) to take her back“. After that, you found out that she posted “pictures of herself in a bikini at a resort with her male friend, who is a rich old man“.

It seems to me, ParadoxMusic, that you are focused on the lesser aspect of all this (whether she cheated on you or not), and you minimize the bigger story here, this human tragedy: the prostitution of B, arranged by her aunt,  and approved of by her extended family.

“She is a good woman overall, but there are these stupid red flags that I cannot ignore… she proved that she was wife material (excluding her stupid antics)“- the terms stupid red flags and stupid antics are stark minimizations of what is happening.

“What should I do?“- research online the topic of rehabilitating sex workers in the country where you and B live. Not that you can rehabilitate her, but maybe you can gather better understanding of the situation, and  refer her to a good agency that works with sex workers on their rehabilitation.

I believe that you are correct when you say that B is “a good woman overall“, but she was trained by her aunt to do this kind of work, and she is loyal, I imagine, to her aunt because her aunt took care of her when her parents wouldn’t. She may feel indebted to her aunt.

“Did it not register in her head what a horrible person her aunt is? Is she still that stupid?“- it is very difficult for a child to see a parent or a parent figure as a bad, horrible person. It’s not out of stupidity, but out of a child’ needs to feel safe. A child who perceives her parent- with whom she lives- to be a horrible person, would experience to much fear about the danger of living with, and being dependent on a horrible person. This emotional dynamic extends to adulthood.

“I have not slept properly in months. Should I give her another chance? She says that she understands her mistakes.. She says I will heal from the trauma of what she did but I don’t see any progress“- she says she understands.. but she doesn’t does she? She says that you will heal, but is she healing?

Be her friend, if you can handle it, but not her boyfriend or her husband, unless and until such time (if it will happen, it will be a long time from now) that she heals and gets rehabilitated.

“The amount of rage I felt in that one second, was enough to force me to kill anyone who pissed me off right then. But I didn’t. I controlled my feelings. I controlled my rage”- congratulations for controlling your rage!

You had a painful childhood and adolescence yourself paradoxMusic, such that resulted in chronic pain and darkness (“I have this weird pain in my chest that wouldn’t go away. I’ve grown used to this now and I call the feeling I get when I encounter this ‘Dark Energy’“, March 6, 2020). You are a very intelligent young man, and you are studying medicine. Focus on your studies and on your mental health. Help those who need help, if and when you are able, but sinking into their troubles, taking on their dark energy will not help you or them.

I hope to read more from you and I wish you well.. (and I wish B well too).

anita

Dear Danny:

You are welcome. “If my best is never good enough, what should I aspire to be each day, if not the best version of myself?“- if your best is never good enough for your inner critic, aspire to fire the harsh, unfair, disapproving critic and replace him with a gentle, fair, positive inner critic.

Imagine you are working for a boss who keeps telling you that your work is not good enough, no matter how hard you try.. do you keep trying forevermore to be good enough for that boss, or do you “fire’ that boss and seek another for whom you are good enough?

anita

Dear  Pondering Seaturtle: I will read and reply Thurs morning, have a good night!

anita

Dear ParadoxMusic:

Welcome back! Amazingly you started your previous thread om March 23, 2020, it’d be 4 years ago, in three days. You were in the 10th grade and we communicated a bit, back then.

I will read and reply to you further later in the day, or tomorrow.

anita

Dear Laven:

You shared that you and this guy who lives in your neighborhood started seeing each other six months ago, in Sept 2023. Back then, the two of you had sex for the first time. Following that 1st time, he ghosted you for 2 weeks, and then texted you an apology, saying that he ghosted you because he was insecure “due to him feeling insecure and questioning his size, performance, and capabilities“, saying that he missed you, and asked you if you had been satisfied.

Last week, he had a visitor or visitors in his home, he says it was 2 guys, but you think that saw him with another woman, making out. He swore to you that “there are no other women“. Four days ago, the two of you had sex for the 2nd time, and he ghosted you again, not answering the two texts you sent him (true to yesterday when you submitted your original post).

You asked: “Is he playing me, and perhaps only using me for sex, to fill voids of loneliness…???“- when you say that the two of you had sex only twice, I don’t know if you mean that there were only 2 occasions of a sexual nature between the two of you, or that there were only 2 occasions of intercourse. If it’s the former, if he pursued you for any kind of sexual activity only 2 times in 6 months, I’d say that he wasn’t using you for sex, at least not regularly or predominantly.

As far as filling voids of loneliness- maybe, but that in itself is not a negative thing, we are all people who need people (as the song says) to fill our human void.

“Does he mean anything he tells me??“- he probably meant some of the things he told you, but not all. Did I understand correctly: he told you that he wants to marry you and start a family with you?

If that’s what he told you, do you think he meant it?

I am sorry, Laven, it reads like you are hurting, and I do understand this kind of hurt. Maybe if we talk about it all for a while, back and forth, maybe you will feel better, and the two of us can learn something from each other.

anita

* Dear Tommy: it’s a good thing that you are my role model as far as Ego is concerned, so, I don’t let myself be carried away with what appears to be a compliment.. haha, and thank you!

Dear Danny:

“On days like these (the struggling kind) I’ve started to feel I’m not doing my best which in turn leads to self criticism… Even on my more productive days, when I review if I was my best self, I then think ‘I should of dine an extra 5 minutes of breath work… What is your best? How can it be defined?“-

– unfortunately for you (and for the many people suffering the from the ruthless harassment of a harsh, never-to-be-satisfied  inner critic), your best is never good enough: your best = never good enough, according to the harsh inner critic.

With a harsh inner critic what happens is that you have days that you are doing great, but those days are followed by days that are the opposite. To do well consistently, you have to adopt a different kind of inner critic.

Too often, when a child grows up with a harsh, critical parent, the child’s brain internalizes the harsh, critical parent. There are ways to .. do your best to change your inner critic so that it doesn’t harass you anymore. You will do much better in life if you have a gentle and fair inner critic.

anita