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March 24, 2024 at 7:47 pm in reply to: Should a “Cheating” Girlfriend be forgiven over a technicality? #428992
anitaParticipantDear Paradoxy: I am looking forward to reading and replying to your recent post addressed to me, in about 12 hours from now.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Andromeda:
There is a quote, I forgot who said it, paraphrased, it says: the worst thing that can happen to a person is not losing one’s life, but losing the reason for living. A famous book that comes to mind, written by a man who survived the WW2 concentration camps, is A Man’s Search for Meaning.
If you found a Reason and a positive Meaning for your life- that could make the difference between hopelessness and hope, between emptiness and having a value you live for.
anita
anitaParticipantDear GoingThroughLife:
“I met EN through a dating app in September 2023 and we met only two times… Now itās been a few months since we last talked and I miss her and the conversations we had. I feel like thereās a strong connection there but I donāt know how to text her or whether I should text her or not… My motive to get in touch with EN is not because of my insecurities and attachment problems but because I actually felt a really strong pure bond with her“-
– I like it that you clarified your motivation in considering texting EN. I hope that you do text her (or perhaps you already did, since yesterday), but prepare yourself ahead of time to the possibility that you text her and she tells you that she is not interested (this is a risk almost every guy takes, if not every guy!), and prepare- if she is interested- to take it slow, very slow, to get to know each other patiently, honestly, openly, bit by bit. No rushing and no getting stuck in emotions.
I hope that you will let me know how it goes.
anita
anitaParticipant* Dear YOR:
I read your story and I feel badly for your pain. There are significant similarities between your story and that of Arctic07’s, and I am looking forward to read Arctic07’s reply to your story, when she is able, as she too is in pain.
“he was super kind, super nice, just absolutely perfect in all ways… he owed me some money because I paid some of the bills of his apartment even when I was not living there, and he had found another housemate. I did not bother because for me, he was my family member. When asked to transfer it, he transferred 3/4th of the amount and said that he wont transfer everything because he spent that money over visiting me and giving me birthday gifts“-
– What I boldfaced in the above quote shows me that from the beginning of the relationship, although he appeared super kind and perfect in all ways, he was not genuinelyĀ these things. It takes a cold, calculating, very unempathetic person to be so petty toward a woman who has been so loving and so generous toward him.
You did your best with him and your father tried too, but your ex-boyfriend was not available to reason.
“I have been a meritorious student throughout. And apart from academics, I am also professionally trained in fine arts. I know how to cook. And I am a very organized person in general. ..Please help me find peace. I feel guilty, maybe I could have adjusted and saved us. Maybe if I kept my mouth shut instead of expressing how I felt, we would have been together. Maybe“-
– May you find peace in knowing, really knowing, that your strong emotions for this man clouded your vision of him. I hope that you realize that you mistook him for someone he was not. I am sure that there were times when his affection for you was genuine, and the best of him shone through, but those times did not indicate who he is long-term.
May your sense of self-worth be based on you being and having been long-term, the loving, caring daughter and sister that you are, and on the hard, long-term work that you put into becoming a meritorious student and professional.. and not on this man’s coldness and unreasonableness.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Artico7:
You are welcome, and thank you for expressing your appreciation!
“So you are trying to tell me that, his religion-society was always more important to him always?“- yes. He was trained to believe this way since he was a young boy.
“That he was fooling himself into thinking that one day he would stand up for me when deep down he knew he never would?“-I imagine that at times he hoped that his mother will allow a marriage with you, and maybe he put in some effort into getting her approval.
“This was his whole plan all along?“- I don’t think that he was a cold-hearted man with an evil plan to use and abuse you. After all, he told his mother about you early on, and told you her answer (that marriage is not possible). So, he was honest with you about this exchange early on.
Arctic07, I know all this is very difficult for you and you are hurting at this time. I also know much of life is unfair and that as individuals, most- if not all of us- are victims to societal injustices carried on through generations. Nonetheless, I want you to shift your attitude from that of a Victim to that of a Powerful woman, one who has some power (not complete power, of course) over your life. This new attitude will ease your suffering, give you strength, and it will increase the likelihood that today, and every day, you will make the best choices from what is available to you.
“I never wanted him to choose between me and his mother, all I wanted or thought, was that someone who has honor would at least fight for the cause of his love… I know that when it comes to inter-religion marriage in India, it takes a lot of strength. But this guy, he did not even put up a honest fight for me . If he was so weak then why did he harbor a relationship for so long..“?- because of his feelings for you and about you. I think that he was scared to leave you earlier partly because of how much you told him that you needed him. I think that he was afraid that if he left you (and he told you so), you would do badly in college, or quit college, or otherwise, that you will be hurt too much and you wouldn’t be able to function.
“He could have just left me in the most horrible way like now and turned deaf and blind to my woes and sorrows“- I think that you have let him hear a lot about your woes and sorrows (aka guilt-tripping) so that he won’t break up with you, and instead fight for you and marry you. Didn’t you?
“are you trying to tell me that he would naturally love any girl his mother brings for him“- no, of course not. What’s love (the feeling of love) got to do with arranged marriages anyway?
“In this whole scene, I am literally used and disposed off?“- in this whole scene, as I see it, you were not and are not a piece of trash that was disposed off. You knowingly got into an inter-faith relationship in a conservative society where such relationships are disapproved of, and like the great majority of such relationships in your society, it did not result in marriage.
“Could it have been possible that I could have loved him a little more or did something in some other way so that he would stand up (for) me?“- no, I don’t think so.
“Could he fight for another girl? Could some other girl love him more than I did?“- my answers: no and no.
“I initially loved him maybe because he was so close towards his family (you will recall that I craved a happy home and good relationship with family back then)“- I understand, and this makes me feel for you. I personally know the strong the craving for a safe, happy home.
“but now I am worried that what if I never found somebody as good as him. Or worse like it is in India, I would have to go for an arranged marriage set-up after a few years, if I am stuck with a man who is not compassionate enough… I am very much scared about this… Can you please help me with this?“- gently hush your anxious mind, your worries… slow down your anxious thoughts. It can be okay, even better than okay: you can find another gem, a lifetime partner, and look back at your worries with relief. But it will take courage on your part, the courage to shift your attitude to that of a powerful woman: a woman who can and will put the power that is available to her into practice, fairly and realistically.
anita
March 24, 2024 at 8:37 am in reply to: Should a “Cheating” Girlfriend be forgiven over a technicality? #428956anitaParticipantDear ParadoxMusic:
“The things that I hate about her are the things that torment me. I have not slept properly in the last 3 months. I have been going through a depressed phase of just wanting the pain to end, whether it be through death or amnesia or something… The relationship with B has ruined me for the worst“- this information by itself is enough to make it clear in my mind that a relationship with B should not be resumed, and that for you to not resume it, individual counseling/ therapy is something that you should pursue, so please do!
“All I wanted was to find a woman who can be a good friend to me, who is willing to care for me, and do everything else a wife should do, have God at the center of our life and I just wanted to serve such a deserving woman. I just wanted to find such a perfect woman… And I believed I found that in B“-
– Talking about religion and marriage, here are a couple of quotes from the bible (online): “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones.” (Proverbs 12:4)- your months-long torment is like rottenness in your bones, is it, Paradoxy?
“That they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children.” (1 Titus 2:4)- B wasn’t taught to be a good wife during her formative years (her first 2 decadesof life), but.. you want to teach her in her 3rd decade, post her formative years, do you?
Back to your words: “she is still 100000x better than most of the other women that I have met…Even if I give another woman a chance, I feel like I would constantly be subconsciously comparing her to B, and I do not think that is right nor fair for that person” – even though you’ve been tormented and sleeping poorly for months, you are still motivated to resume a relationship with a woman who (you believe to be) 100,000 times better than most other women. In your mind, most other women are 100,000 worse than B.. so, mathematically, statistically, you wouldn’t be motivated to consider another woman.
This is your 1st relationship, how would you know this statistical ‘fact’?
“The feeling of being loved by someone for the first time was literally changing me for the better. Knowing that I had her in my life felt like a factory reset button. I was a thousand times happier, more energetic, no longer depressed, no longer suicidal, no longer in love with that Dark Energy…Ā But now that I lost her, I can feel the things of the past slowly creeping back into me, starting with self hate... I have grown to realize that everyone else is happier without me existing in their life. All I would be is a source of pain for others... Maybe I should blame myself for breaking up with B in January, which caused her to do what she did… My parents are good people. Though their methods are questionable, their aim was to help me. They did not physically abuse me. But you could say that I was emotionally abused… They have never listened to me. Always discouraging me from what I wanted to do. Even this med career was their fault. I never wanted this. I wanted to do music or computers… I will never forget the pain, the anger, I have endured cause of them… I have had my parentsā anger towards something else redirected to me” (March 23, 2024).
“There happened to be an incident where my neighbor threatened my parents that they would call social services since they saw how I was being treated and my parents took out their anger on meā (March 3, 2020)-
– it seems like the emotional abuse you received by your parents (who may be good people outside of parenting you, such as being good neighbors) was severe, and it led you to the core belief that you are a source of pain to others.
Would you like to elaborate on the nature of the emotional abuse that you received, and how it led to this core belief (beyond what you stated in the quotes above, which I boldfaced)?
anita
anitaParticipantDear GoingThroughLife:
I would like to read your recent post (and our previous communication) Sun morning, when I am more focused than I am now. It is Sat afternoon here).
anita
anitaParticipantDear Antarkala:
Welcome to the forums!
“I understood that I value having a good social life and my boyfriend not being very social made me question if I can lead a happy life with him. Sometimes, especially in social situations, I feel very drained because I feel I put in most of the energy to keep conversations going while I myself am a person with limited social energy… I am a very people person, I like having people around me that I can count on, talk to, laugh with, and feel supported on a daily basis while he is mostly silent and can be happy and comfortable alone“-
– I am trying to understand: you are a very people person, but with a limited social energy and social interactions drain you? I am asking because as far as I know, people who are extroverted, people who are very social, are people who are energized by social interactions, not drained by them. Can you explain this for me?
anita
March 23, 2024 at 10:56 am in reply to: Should a “Cheating” Girlfriend be forgiven over a technicality? #428932anitaParticipantDear Paradoxy:
How interestingly unique you are, ParadoxMusic, or Paradoxy as you close your posts with, and how fitting the screen name you chose for yourself:
urban dictionary. com: “Paradoxy= the state of being paradoxical. In theological terms, it’s the act of believing in something you know to be completely untrue, e.g. people who follow the norms of a religion, believing that it will make them more worthy in the eyes of a god(s) that they don’t believe actually exists”.
This is the paradoxy as I see it (I may be wrong, of course, but this is my best understanding at this point): on one hand, you deeply believe in monogamy and sex after marriage, and you believe that B is wife material (“she was actually a very good, loyal, loving, caring woman that any man would desire. She displayed all the characteristics that I was looking for in a good wife“), but alas, the paradox: you described an alarmingly promiscuous woman during the relationship with you, a relationship of an on-and-off pattern.
You love her, but alas, the paradox: you also love to hate her, evident in the many upper case typing.
Please pay attention to my point here: of course, the promiscuous behavior you described is appalling, it is appalling to me, so I understand you being hurt and ANGRY. But what I am referring to when I say that you love to hate her, is that you found in her someone into which to project your hate for women in general, a hate that pre-existed you meeting B. So, as I see it (and again, I may be wrong), in a sick way, she is a compatible partner for you: her promiscuity gives you the opportunity to express, or process in-a-way, your pre-existing hate.
Next, I will quote your writings during our 2020 communication. (I am the one selectively adding the boldface feature to the quotes):
March 3-4, 2020: ” I loved someone, which also soothed the pain. And even better: the pain from getting rejected distracted me from the pain that I was already feeling. But eventually both feelings merged to create even stronger ‘Dark Energy‘… I like the ‘Dark Energy’ that I get when I get insulted by others“.
March 7, 2020 (the italicized is a question I asked you, to which you responded): “Technically I donāt experience pleasure when people insult me. I experience pain, which I happen to like the more I feel it. It is changing me negatively; I laugh when I see someone die in movies (especially gory deaths) while everyone else is horrified or sad. But I still donāt care… What was the pain you were already feeling? This is the pain that I was talking about in the entire topic; the pain caused from being alone, being insulted by family and etc.”
March 8, 2020: “I laugh at gory deaths cause I think itās funny how the person dies (For example: In the movie Final Destination 2, I laughed when I saw a girl being shot to death through the head with a nail gun by accident). You see, with this attitude Iām never going to make friends so I need help figuring out another way I could keep this personality hidden or change it so others are not creeped out”.
March 23- 25, 2020: “I donāt want to fall in love ever again. I feel that love is annoying. It can be distracting, painful and sometimes stupid and sometimes make your personality change. I grew a little bit aggressive and desperate when I realized the girl I like would say no… I wish to stop loving. If I love again, I feel like more like an idiot and a fool.”
March 20,Ā 2024: “they (your parents) donāt trust women in general because they have seen many ruined relationships with cheating and gold diggers and etc.”
As to the pain you mentioned on March 7 2020 (“the pain caused from being alone, being insulted by family and etc.”, relevant quotes: “There happened to be an incident where my neighbor threatened my parents that they would call social services since they saw how I was being treated and my parents took out their anger on me” (March 3, 2020), “Calling social services on my parents is a very difficult thing for me to do since I love and care for my parents even if they mistreat me” (March 4, 2020), “Iāve never been cared for by another person before, including my parents and my sister” (March 13, 2020), “she (B) is the first person to have ever loved me. Not even my own parents cared for me the way she did… She was the only person who treated me like I meant something” (March 20, 2024).
Putting all the above quoted information together, seems to me that, very sadly, growing up, you were severely abused by your parents: they insulted you, rejected and isolated you, and they punished you so severely, that a neighbor took the risk of threatening them with calling social services. In addition to their abuse, they instilled in you the core belief that women are bad, dishonest people who are not to be trusted, and this is why you asked B early on if she was a gold digger, etc. (“they donāt trust women in general because they have seen many ruined relationships with cheating and gold diggers and etc.. I told her (B) about my parentsā views and asked her if she was a gold digger or if she was manipulating me because the stories my parents were telling me started to scare me and I was worried”, March 20, 2024).
Seems to me, that the abuse by your parents created the “dark energy” you referred to, and that hate (persistent, intense anger) is big part of this dark energy. The reason you enjoyed watching people dying gory, violent deaths in movies (you mentioned a scene involving a woman dying violently) is because of the pleasure involved in revenge, revenge by proxy, in this case.
Your anger is not directed at the people who abused you (“I love and care for my parents even if they mistreat me“, March 4, 2020), but at.. other people: “my anger is directed to the persons who caused this entire situation: B, Aunt 2, and the man. My first instinctive response was to go after the man, which B discouraged, but then I redirected my anger to the aunt” (March 23, 2024).
And mostly, your anger is directed at B (in the following, you are the one adding the boldface feature: ” Maāam, this is a 22 year old woman. She is a full grown adult… do you think her loyalty to her aunt is more important than her loyalty to her own future life partner who has PROVEN IT IN HIS ACTIONS THAT EVERYTHING HE DID FOR HER WAS OUT OF THE PURE LOVE THAT HE HAD FOR HER? A LIFE PARTNER WHO HAD PROVEN COUNTLESS TIMES THAT HE IS A MAN OF GOD AND ONLY MAKES WISE DECISIONS THAT ONLY BENEFITS HER” (March 21, 2024)
The anger as I see it in the above quote is a twist on your anger toward your parents, who are religious, if I understand correctly. You are saying to them- by proxy of B- DON’T YOU SEE THAT ALL I DID WAS LOVE YOU? ISN’T MY PURE LOVE FOR YOU EVIDENT IN MY ACTIONS, ACTIONS I TOOK TO BENEFIT YOU??!!!
As I said before, you are a very intelligent young man and you have a lot of fighting energy within you. I wish that you redirect your anger and fighting spirit to where and how it can benefit you and others (friends, future girlfriend/ wife).
anita
anitaParticipantContinued, part 5:
Words I said, if they sounded wrong in her mind, if they sounded inexact, if there was something missing in what I said, or not in the right order, or something was not elaborated on, something not in its complete form, one that covers all possibilities, she (my mother-monster) EXPLODED, accusing me (in her Paranoid Personality Disordered state of mind, PPD) of trying to deceive her, to fool her, to make her look stupid, to hurt her feelings, to humiliate her.
And her response: to fight back against her perceived offender (me), to strike back, to protest abuse, to defend herself from the supposed abuser, and give me hell, which she did.
I remember one time, at home, I was maybe 7, maybe 10, a cousin of similar age was with me, her mother (an aunt , and a neighbor, a woman. In that scenario, I said.. the wrong thing to the cousin, according to my mother, I had no idea it could’ve been perceived to be an offensive, no idea, no intention to offend, none, and objectively, it was nothing offensive. Her response: she EXPLODED. The aunt and neighbor stood on both sides of my mother-monster, one on each side, each holding one of her arms so to prevent her from running (the short distance) to me so to.. give me what she believed I deserved. As they held her from each side and tried to calm her, my mother-monster struggled, trying to physically free herself so to get to me, threatening: “I WILL KILL HER!”
Imagine a grown up, strong woman so passionate about getting to me, a small child, not so to love me, to protect me, but to hurt me.. to kill me.
I don’t remember what happened next any more than I remember what happened after her explosion at school, after she confronted the music teacher (told about in a previous post). I know she didn’t kill me (I am typing these words decades later), and I know that no one took me to their home. They left me with my mother-monster, alone.
This was an ongoing theme in private and in public: I said something wrong, or.. I didn’t say anything at all when she thought I should have said, and.. she EXPLODED at me.
All of my life, I’ve been mostly quiet around other people, saying nothing at all, much of the time. But I was extra careful about the words that constituted my thoughts, feeling anxious whenever my thought didn’t sound complete, whenever my thoughts didn’t address all possibilities of being misinterpreted or misunderstood, ANXIOUS about my thoughts leading to some catastrophically explosive reaction of some kind..
To be continued.
anita
March 22, 2024 at 11:39 am in reply to: Should a “Cheating” Girlfriend be forgiven over a technicality? #428909anitaParticipantDear ParadoxMusic:
You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation!
“Knowing how humans are, I understood that in each relationship, she probably assumed that her partner then would be the person she would spend the rest of her life with“- here is my edited suggestion to this sentence (a suggestion for you to consider, or not): knowing how I am (and how my father is, and some other people), I understood that B is also like I am, and that she assumed what I assume.
But she has had this aunt/ family in her life who instilled some other assumptions, such as using sex as a tool, disrespecting one own’s body, that it’s okay for an aunt to prostitute her niece.
“I think itās quite disrespectful that she spent a day with her ex partially nude right after we broke up. Anita, how would you feel if you and your partner broke up and the next day he went right back to his ex?… I donāt think this kind of behavior is a young people issue cause even adults way older than me have had these kinds of experiences with their partner“- I’d say, (1) yes, it is disrespectful, (2) youth has something to do with it: statistically, young people are more impulsive than older people, not considering the consequences of their actions and how their actions will affect others, (3)Ā yes, I totally understand your hurt and anger as a result of her actions, and (4) in the case of your girlfriend, the incident you described where a man gave her aunt money so to have sex with her niece, and how it transpired, with her vomiting, this story is blood chilling and extremely disturbing, and there is no reason for me to believe it was the only incident of prostitution that took place, orchestrated by her aunt, directly or indirectly.
This (item 4) means that there is a BIGGER picture here that you need to see: she needs psychological- emotional help, if she is open to it, help by a professional/ community agency that helps young women in her situation and background.
“What do you think? Should I give her another chance? I always believed that everyone deserves another chance, and as someone who knows the value of a second chance, I am tempted to give it to her, but this experience has completely changed my mind.“- I absolutely think that you should not give her another chance as a girlfriend. I strongly believe that you having sex with her again would be the wrong thing to do.. for you, but also for her.
“It is very hard for me to ignore the possibility that she intentionally chose to go along with her auntās plan as a rebound after our break up“- by the time she went along with her aunt’s plan, she had serious mental health issues, including a severe disrespect for her own body/ her own person. Question is: can she heal from the evil that was done to her, or will she perpetrate this evil to others (maybe to her own daughter, if she has one).
“It goes back to what I stated in the previous paragraph: how would you feel if your partner slept with another person right after you break up with them? I believe that is utter disrespect… If she was able to easily move on to the next man, I think it is reasonable to believe that she never loved me properly“- you mention respect and love. Back to the incident (which again, I have no reason to believe it to be the only one of its kind): a man who paid money to her aunt so to have sex with her niece, did what he did and she vomited (please do not repeat that description, it’s too disturbing to read yet again), where is the respect there? Did the aunt respect B when she arranged for that transaction? Did the sexual predator, a predator of girls/ women: did he respect B?
How about love, where was the love? You expect respect and love from a young woman who was shown the opposite of love and respect. I am not saying that you should accept the absence of love and respect from B, or from anyone else. What I am saying is that you should no longer consider resuming a sexual relationship with her, and that she gets the help she needs, professional/ community help that does not involve a sexual transaction.
“Maāam, this is a 22 year old woman. She is a full grown adult“- yes, physically, she is a full grown adult, an so are you.
“Yes you stated that she probably felt indebted to her aunt for taking care of her. But do you think her loyalty to her aunt is more important than her loyalty to her own future life partner“- her future life partner is not yet known, and there may not be one. She doesn’t yet have a life partner, but she’s had a aunt in her life for two decades.
” (I)… who has PROVEN IT IN HIS ACTIONS THAT EVERYTHING HE DID FOR HER WAS OUT OF THE PURE LOVE THAT HE HAD FOR HER?… A MAN OF GOD“- if you choose to love her still, make your love indeed pure and godly (the gentle version, not the angry/vengeful version of god): no sex with her.
“How can any husband, father, or brother bear the pain of knowing that their wife, daughter or sister was sold off by a relative for sex work?“- sex work that wouldn’t take place if there were no husbands, fathers, and brothers who pay for sex, many who are sexual predators. Your anger is directed at the women.. not at the men?
“She lied to me for a year anita. She could be lying about some of the specifics too, I would never know… How can I bear this pain? How can I ever get over this?… there was another incident with another man, which I forgot to mention earlier. There was another man… Can you see what is happening anita? It’s literally a pattern.. You really cannot tell me that she is not doing this pattern intentionally. There is no way in hell that she did not do this intentionally“- she could be lying, could be manipulating.. likely, as is most often the case, she started a victim, 100% victim, and over the years of disrespect and abuse, turns perpetrator, to one extent or another, and she is still a combination of both. It’s up to each one of us to heal best we can from the first, and do no harm to others.
I understand your anger, but I can’t side with you in saying that B is the Bad One, and you are the Good One. The two of you (true to myself as well), share both, or three things, using the title of a movie, “the good, the bad, and the ugly“.
You want her to change.. but can you change yourself: to endure your pain and anger, and commit to be part of the solution, not part of the problem, that is, to commit yourself to love, not to hate?
“No matter what hard lifestyle she had, I should not have to be forced to put up with this kind of behavior from a woman who knows better. It is not fair that I am being a very loyal, caring man to her“- you see yourself as a very loyal, caring man to her, but you are also a very angry man, angry at her.Ā You shouldn’t try and be in a loving, romantic and sexual relationship with a woman you hate.
“EVERY TIME WE BROKE UP, SHE WENT TO GO ENTERTAIN ANOTHER MAN. LIKE HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID TO GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE? AND I DID… THIS IS PURE STUPIDITY… Should I give her another chance?“- what do you think?
anita
anitaParticipantDear IMBACK:
“I have discovered one thing. Love is very difficult.“- loving very difficult people is… very difficult. Another thing that’s very difficult is being too afraid: too afraid to be together, too afraid to be alone, just overall, too afraid.
Best for you would be to lessen your fear/ anxiety by a mindfulness daily regiment of aerobic exercise (fast walking,Ā swimming), listening to calming mindfulness guided meditations, journaling, if that works for you.. If you could join a yoga class or a tai-chi class, that would be great. You can research mindfulness exercises or practices (there are books and workbooks on the topic).
I hope your vacation will work out, take it easy while on vacation, take time out when you need to get away and be alone, and communicate best you can with her.
anita
anitaParticipantDear IMBACK:
“I question a bit if I have BPD… I’m not sure about anything anymore… I might just have to break up, because something is wrong and I am for some reason pointing fingers at my relationship.“- I used to be as confused as you are, maybe even more confused than you are, and for a long time. What a relief it is to have clarity!
Clarity is way, way better than Confusion, and it can- it must- happen for you too: confusion replaced by clarity!
Please keep in mind that it’s okay to end a romantic relationship, it’s not a crime. It happens every day in every part of the world and people survive; many times, people are better for it.
I wish you courage, strength and patience, and may the force be with you (it’s a Star Wars saying)!
anita
March 21, 2024 at 3:11 pm in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #428882anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
“Of course I am now curious about this political figure“- I was referring to Hitler, and the likes.
“I do think he (F) was inappropriately possessive, but I donāt think it had an affect whether or not he had a girlfriend because he treated my younger sister similarly while he was with a girlfriend… we have another sister… she.. was quite over weight… he didnāt care what she wore, she asked me why once and I did not have an answer for that“- seems to me that the explanation could be that F found you and your younger sister attractive and therefore, he was afraid that others (boys/ younger men) will find the two of you attractive as well, but he didn’t find your overweight middle sister attractive, so he wasn’t afraid that others will find her attractive.
“He doesnāt understand what is appropriate and what is not. I donāt think his intentions were incestuous in any way, if told that he would be stunned at the accusation. I am trying to understand where his inappropriate behavior came from“- seems to me that his intentions were not incestuous. But he did see two of his daughters as sexually attractive women.
“This is a good point, because the awkwardness I have felt is the same feeling when he would point something out. It has taken me many years to be able to wear clothing that flatters my body without feeling dirty and awkward“- you felt dirty and awkward because your father saw you, his daughter, as a sexually attractive young woman.
“I can see this. In anxious states my go to is ‘I am alone.’ In a lower vibrational state I feel loneliness in a negative way, but in the past months of trying to find wholeness within myself… I am alone but I have me, and when I am in my higher vibrations I am content with this“- being in an anxious state and being in a lower vibrational state and lonely are synonymous; being in a higher vibrational state is synonymous with being content when alone..?
Correction to my sentence: “This core experience (loneliness) makes you very sensitive to of normal fluctuations in the level of emotional connection with the people in your lifeā.
“I acknowledge there is not always a connection… What was so disappointing in the relationship with N was how often this disconnect was, it was becoming the majority of our relationship, just as it is a big proportion of my relationship with F“- I think that the frequent disconnects with N were due to his chronic numbness/ weed abuse, and that in that desert of connection, an extreme thirst for connection/ to be seen was reborn. This thirst was born with F.
* It is not that you have unrealistic expectations for levels and consistency of connection with everyone, and will never be happy with anyone, as I expressed before, under the influence of my extreme, unbalanced thinking (to which I referred yesterday in my short post).
“Loneliness is the problem so feeling connected to myself is the answer?”- connection to oneself and connection to others are two sides of the same coin.
“this makes me think of my dads restrictions on spending time with my friends… my dad would say no you already hung out with them this week, or he would make me come home much earlier than the rest of them… home schooled… I wasn’t allowed to hang out wit all the girls.. I was lonely“- F kept you in a desert of connections, didn’t he:Ā none with him, too little with others..?
“You wrote ‘this entire debate is likely to reoccur in future relationships.’Ā The reason I donāt think it will is because I am on a trajectory of working to feel whole within myself and not seek a partner to fill the hole… I am happy to be alone for as long as it takes to be whole enough inside to attract a partner who is the same. Two whole people.”- yes, you are on a positive, pondering and growing trajectory. My pessimistic prediction was born out of the All-or-Nothing, Black and White thinking on my part.
“F was certainly a reason I feel disconnected. When you say ‘you were alone in those’ do you mean I was alone in the panic attack?“- you shared that N was with you when you had panic attacks, trying to comfort you, and you added that you were always alone in those before.
“I think it is exciting as well. The bees knees lol. Interesting how closely related my desire to be seen, needing to see myself, see hatch, and then needing to feel connected to myself… I want to feel connected to myself, and I do think I am on the path to doing this. I clearly want it and think my constant curiosity about myself shows me that I am trying…Ā Pondering Seaturtle“-
Pondering, Growing Seaturtle is The bees knees, I says!
anita
anitaParticipantDear IMBACK:
“Maybe I should try and tell her that she may be dealing with BPD“- I suggested that earlier. I think that it’d be best for you to see a counselor/ therapist that specializes in your age group, and who can help you. I think that you need 1-on-1 professional help, not random communications online.
anita
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