Dear Lorelei Firefly:

I read your whole post: inspiring! I hope that other members read it as well. Thank you so much for sharing your story, encouraging and inspiring others who struggle.

I want to quote some of what you shared and comment on it: “I started feeling this… Dread every time I had to go to work. It got to the point where I just couldn’t do it anymore. I would cry before work because I knew I had to go in. So I quit. Ended up getting a job I really liked, working at the zoo… it was fun and unique to get to take a trip to the Zoo for free every day. Until the dread started again. This time, though, it started extremely soon… Only 2 weeks in. The dread and stress got too much again so I eventually quit that job too… Then I came across a job that made me feel like it was my calling: Pet play specialist at a pet daycare. Yes, it was as fun as it sounds. All day I got to play with dogs and cats and get paid for it! It was and still is the best job I have ever had… I felt so lucky because I felt that THIS is where the universe was trying to lead me… But I was wrong because after only about 2 weeks, the dread returned… I sat on my bed in my work clothes, and I just couldn’t make my feet go towards the door. I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t move… I never made it to work that day and I never went back. I cried so much that day because what was wrong with me? Everyone I talked to, even my psychiatrist, just wasn’t able to understand…“-

– this is an excellent testimony for anyone with (internal) anxiety, such as is involved in the condition of ADHD, who are looking for an external solution, such as getting just the right job, living in just the right location (city, country), marrying just the right person… and all will be well.

In reality, it takes both internal and external problem solving and work so to function better in life (such as being able to hold on to a job).

Reading your testimony makes me understand better that although my nervous system was indeed damaged by decades-long anxiety, it is not completely damaged, and a good part of it can be helped and improved: some healing can be done.

“My resilience while working has NOTICEABLY improved. Enough to make a difference… There has even been days where I just felt like sitting in my car and crying. But I still went to work“- congratulations, and please keep doing what is working for you, and finding new ways to help yourself, when needed.

Again, thank you, and I hope to read more from you on this topic or any other, anytime, if you feel like posting.

anita

Dear antarkala:

“It was someone in my extended family… It all suddenly stopped once I hit puberty in my 8th grade“- I hope that this someone in your extended family doesn’t get the opportunity to do to others (other pre-pubescent girls, perhaps) what he did to you. If there is something you can do to protect others from him, I hope that you do what needs to be done.

“I never talked about it to anyone before that but it is only these days I am slowly opening up with my closest friends and I am realizing the intensity of what happened day by day. I don’t think I gave it a name of sexual assault until then… it was for at least a year or more“- keep talking about it, bring it further to the light, as slowly as you need it to go about it.

“As I said, my mother does not know. She just in general says I am too sensitive and overreact to things. This especially happens when I tell her how hurting it feels when my dad criticizes me or when I tell her how my father and grandparents are proud of everything my brother does because he is a guy, how they treat me in front of him as if I am nothing, and that I do not feel respected enough or seen enough or encouraged enough“- it is not true that you are too sensitive and that emotionally you over react.  I know that your mother is wrong on this point even though she’s known you for 25 years, and I’ve known you for only 5 days. Your reaction to your early life experiences is proportional to the experiences.

Adults often forget how they felt growing up, how very sensitive they were (all young children are). So, they unrealistically expect children to be less sensitive than they themselves were as children/ adolescents.

“When I tell her I feel a little different from everyone, that I feel things too deeply and sometimes wonder if I have depression and I am unable to do basic things in life and feel very under-confident – she tells me I am overreacting and too sensitive and should just have more will power and try harder to be more disciplined and achieve the things I want in life“- she is right about the benefit of a strong will-power and self-discipline. If she validated your sensitivity (as being proportional/ appropriate to your life-experiences growing up, she would have strengthened your will-power and self-discipline. She means well, and she’s partly right, partly wrong.

“She never said no to therapy though – she said if I wanted to go, she will support me“- a good thing!

“Completely, yes! I am that friend/ confidant of her. She shares everything with me. I started supporting her as I grew up and pushing her to stand up for herself and even stood up against my dad and my grandparents demanding she should be treated better for everything she does for the family. She gradually started doing that… She always tells me she feels blessed to have a daughter like me and she cannot imagine her life without me“- yes, indeed, your mother is blessed to have you as a daughter. I feel empathy for your mother and appreciation for her resilience through the years, as well as for her work as a teacher. I’m sure that she benefited many children over the course of her career.

Unfortunately, there is a problem here (in the paragraph I quoted right above) that needs to be addressed: it’s not a good thing for a child/ adolescent to be placed in, or to be encouraged to fill in the role of an adult. A child needs to be a child while the adults take care of adult things. A parent is supposed to confide with the other parent/ other adults, not with their child.

It is not the child’s job to teach her mother to stand up for herself, it’s the other way around: it’s the mother/ parent’s job to teach the child. So, what happened in your childhood and adolescence was role reversal, in this regard. A child needs to feel safe at home, as in being with parents who know how to take care of themselves (and of the child). When that’s not the case, the child feels anxious.

“I once remember during an argument I threw a glass of water at my mother’s face in front of my whole extended family and to this day I don’t know why I did that and I cannot get that image out of my head“- you were angry at her. It is difficult to be angry at your mother, isn’t it? It made me feel very guilty when I was angry at my mother. Maybe you were angry at her for not taking care of herself, for not standing up for herself…?

“My school teacher once described me as a lady don to my dad and I once remember one of my teachers telling me my walk is too manly“-

– I had to look up “lady don” (online): “This phrase is often used to describe a woman who possesses qualities traditionally associated with masculinity, such as confidence, assertiveness, and a commanding presence”.

Seems to me, antarkala, that your role reversal situation was that of you being your mother’s.. father, teaching her to stand up for herself, to act confidently and assertively, a parenting job traditionally done by the father in the family. Your mother was.. femininely weak, passive (a traditional female role) and you, for the purpose of helping her/ strengthening her, took on the manly traditional role. So much so, that you even walked in a manly way.

This is how much you loved her and needed her to be strong.. not yet strong yourself, you took on that role.

“(I) could never relate to girls having crushes…  The concept of having kids never appealed to me”– this is congruent with your masculine/ manly role taken so to help your mother.

On March 25, you wrote in regard to your boyfriend: “Initially, I did get thoughts like ‘maybe he is not strong enough’… “I don’t think he is manly enough’“- what this is telling me is that you need to..  finally not be The Strong One, to.. finally have someone else be the strong one, so that you can relax.

Is that what it is?

anita

Dear Lorelei Firefly:

“what made me want to reply was actually a reply by another person. Someone named Anita. They mentioned something about intense long term anxiety damaging the nervous system..“-  this is me, the anita you referred to. I would like to attentively read your post and reply tomorrow, Thurs morning (it’s Wed evening here)

anita

Dear antarkala:

This morning, I will be re-reading all your posts and commenting as I go along, keeping in mind what you shared later, as I comment on what you shared earlier:

“I am a 25-year-old in a serious relationship for around 1 and a half years. My boyfriend is a year older than me and we have been friends for 3 years before we got into the relationship. Both of us moved abroad for our Master’s and decided to take our friendship to the next level since we had similar life goals, values, and interests“- reads like an intelligent, mature attitude and practice on your part: getting into a relationship with a man you’ve known for three years as friends, finding out his goals, values and interests, and seeing that there is a match in these.

There is love and he is independent, kind, career-driven, supportive, puts in the effort, and he is a wonderful person: “We love each other very much and are independent, kind, career-driven… he is not stopping me from being myself and he in fact supports me..  He puts in that effort and tries to talk to all of my friends… he has a wonderful personality…  he is a wonderful person all in all“.

“Coming to the issue, though we have been in a relationship for more than a year, I always felt something was missing since the beginning“- to thoroughly understand what is missing in the relationship, you have to first understand what is missing within you.. something missing that you brought into the relationship. Understanding the latter, will give you an accurate understanding of the former.

It will not be easy to explore that which is missing-within because strong emotions are involved. If you see the need for such exploration and are willing to do so, to some extent, here on your thread, please do and read what’s next in my post:

“I have always been a misfit. Cannot point out one reason but I have had my share of experiences in life – I experienced sexual assault as a kid through years which I think wired me differently, my younger brother was a pampered kid majorly because he is a boy and I am a girl, I don’t think I got enough validation from my dad… My mom says I am too sensitive and hints that maybe I am overreacting – sometimes I wonder if I am just too weak and use my trauma as an excuse... my mom was anxious and worried quite often… I remember my mom telling me many times that she lived in fear, and never had the courage to speak up and voice her concerns or opinions out… if my mom spoke out in a social situation, my dad always used to criticize her after coming back home… whatever my mom says, my dad will criticize her… Imagine my mom living with that for 26 years!“-

– I selectively boldfaced the above because I will be asking you questions, in this post, only about the boldfaced, as part of the exploration I mentioned above. Of course, you don’t have to answer any of my questions, and those you choose to answer, you are welcome to answer only to the extent you are comfortable with. (I will not be asking you questions that in my mind are too distressing to answer):

1) How long did the sexual assault period last, and how long after the beginning of the assault, did your parents become aware of it? How did they respond?

2) Did your mother (or your father) minimize the assault, saying that you were over-sensitive to it, that you emotionally over-reacted, that you used it as an excuse?

3) You lived at home, with your mother, for 24 out of the 26 years of her marriage to a man who discouraged her from speaking up, from talking about her feelings, her opinions, etc. Did she turn to you as the person with whom she expressed herself, giving you the role of a friend and confidant?

4) How were you a misfit at home, growing up?

anita

Dear  antarkala:

It occurred to me, this one point, so i thought I’d let you know what it is before replying at more length tomorrow:

“he will never be satisfied.. Whatever I did or spoke – my dad would tell me I did something wrong”- this means that he is not likely to approve of your choice of a husband, whomever the man, and if you wait for his approval.. well, it is not a good idea to expect his approval, to wait for it.

anita