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anitaParticipantContinued:
This morning, I read a 6- page communication I had with a member back in 2020. In this post, I want to paste all that I wrote to the member that applies to me, changing the pronouns from you and your to I, me and my, and some other minor editing:
When my mother threatened to leave me, I was very, very sad and scared for a long time, so depressed that I lost the spirit to live. That darkest time is still there, not gone, not erased. Often how I feel is not a reaction to what is happening now, but a repeat-reaction to what happened then, the resurfacing of the emotional- cognitive experience of childhood. What we feel intensely as children, we keep feeling as adults.
When a mother leaves, or otherwise betrays her young daughter, she leaves behind a hole in her daughterās heart. For a child, her mother is Everything, and when that Everything goes away, it feels like you lost everything indeed, and the emptiness in the childās heart is massive, a whole lot of aching emptiness.
That need of long ago is a person-sensitive need: I needed that one person- my mother. It is a time-sensitive need- I needed her when I was a young child, back in those years in the past. It is a place-sensitive need, I needed my mother back then and there, in that home were I lived as a child.
No man, no woman can take me back to the there-and-then and be the mother I needed.
Better deal with that emptiness inside me, the emptiness born in childhood. My original pain will lessen once I express it, once I let it exit me, some, through words and tears, if they come. When my original pain lessens, so will my projection of it into people and circumstances here and now.
That original pain was so intense that I pushed it down. But that pain is not gone- it awakens in context of the present. The old pain that is still alive in me, it wakes up and takes over.
Being loyal to my mother, I showed her that I hated the people she hated, together in her hate for others. I wanted more than anything to be in the same team as my mother, me and her together against the hostile others. I was loyal to her, but she betrayed my loyalty: she hated me.Ā When she was angry, she said very hurtful words to me, words that caused me pain. I couldn’t trust her, I couldn’t trust anyone.
To be continued,
anita
March 31, 2024 at 2:30 pm in reply to: Should a “Cheating” Girlfriend be forgiven over a technicality? #430399anitaParticipantDear Paradoxy:
A couple of days ago, you wrote: ”Ā I am able to argue back against the advice given becauseā¦ I expected solutions that I have not already thought of butĀ I keep getting answers that I am already aware ofā-
-in your 4-page thread,Ā in about ten posts (some of them very long), I did my very best to offer you answers and solutions to consider, such that maybe you were not aware of. But seems like you are aware of everything.
Sincerely, I have nothing else to add.Ā Everything I had to offer, I already did, and you are welcome to re-read it if you’d like.Ā All I can do at this time, as I leave your thread, is to wish you the best, as well as to the people in your life.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Jessy:
“I broke up with my ex boyfriend 3 years ago- he is my only relationship so far… When we met, he was…Ā always transparent… for almost 2 years, not a single word…. Beginning 2024 he reached out, out of the blue… I’m not sure why after all these years he is texting... I’m confused, should I give him a chance or just go figure my life out?”-
– you can ask him about the part I boldfaced above: why after 2 years, did you text me? According to how he answers, you can find out if he is still transparent. This can clarify some of your confusion, so that you can make a good choice for yourself, based on clarity.
What do you think?
anita
March 31, 2024 at 1:43 pm in reply to: Stuck between stay or goā¦ advice and personal experiences needed, #430393anitaParticipantDear Katherine:
“At the beginning of December 2023 I met someone… About a month ago I confronted the fact we were not yet in a relationship… he is moving for a year and then off to medical school…. He doesnāt want to commit to me if he canāt give me his all. I get it. We decided to just date each other and create positive memories until he moves in August… My issue is this: do I stay and make memories and connect deeply with this man, or do I choose self-respect and go”-
– always choose self respect!
The problem with the first option (staying with him through August, and creating memories with him), is that I don’t see- and please correct me if I am wrong- how can you create good memories, in your own mind, when you are aware, every day you’re with him, that he is going to leave in 4 or 5 months, while not willing to commit to a long-distance relationship with you…?
I would imagine that you’d be too anxious and upset to.. create pleasant memories…?
It seems like a good choice for him to not commit to a long-distance relationship at this time (especially given that he has experience with a LDR),Ā so that he can focus on his studies, and not be distracted by a romantic relationship. It is your job to make a good choice for yourself, and self-respect is always the right choice.
“Totally lost and sad.“- keep posting here, and let me know of your thoughts and feelings over time, and we can talk about it, will you?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Going Through Life:
You are welcome!
“well as every text starts, hope youāre doing well and etc. etc.“- I wouldn’t include this sentence. I’d start with Hey EN, how are you? or, if you prefer, Hey EN, I hope you are well (or okay).
“and well the ‘you met someone else’ lie was tactful“- I definitely wouldn’t include this part, it’s confrontational and it will significantly decrease the chances of her responding to you positively, if at all.
“I’ll get straight to the point“- I wouldn’t include this either. Instead, I’d just get straight to the point.
I would add to the text the important part: your goal to be friends with her. Edited, I suggest this version (for your editing):
“Hey EN, I hope you are well. You were on my mind recently. I really enjoyed the conversations we had over the phone and I miss them. I miss the genuine connection I felt we had, a kind of connection that’s hard to find.
I know, given the long distance thing you chose not to pursue a relationship further, and I understand and accept your choice. Still, I think itās better to reach out and ask if you want to connect over call or something to catch up, as friends only.Ā Letās try to stay in touch, if you feel the same.”
anita
anitaParticipantDear antarkala:
You are welcome and thank you for your empathy and support!!!
“Even with friends, I am always trying to take care of them and be the bigger person. Iām seriously tired but I feel like I donāt know how else to be ā I donāt know how to just have fun and be like all other girls!“-
-it will be difficult and it will likely feel strange to change a (so far) lifetime role of being “the bigger person“, the overly responsible adult one to => => => a new role: still responsible, but not overly responsible, with an added a carefree mindset.
This kind of change can be done if you understand the gradual nature of such change, it you are very patient with the process, taking it one step, one day at a time, and over a long time (months) the new mindset and behavior will start to feel natural.
The process: engage in activities that relax you or bring you joy (self-care), practice Mindfulness every day; set and communicate boundaries with people (say no to some requests), delegate responsibilities to others and encourage them to take on tasks that they can handle..
And all done gradually, in small steps, as you congratulate yourself and celebrate small progress made, day in and day out.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Nia:
Welcome back! We communicated at length in your previous thread from Feb 24- Oct 1, 2020. I just read through our communication back then. If I have it right, you are married now for just over 10 years and have a 3-year-old child.
Today, you shared, best I understand, that Dona, your best friend from childhood, whose parents helped you and treated you well, recently ostracized you from the group of friends on social media because you didn’t visit her or her parents, in-person, for years (since Covid-19) even though you live in the same town.
“I feel not good of that.. because I think I was wrong because didnāt visit them… I am surprised she said bad thing on group about me… What should I do Anita..? Is that relationship makes conditions should be have a routine meet? Is that Dona have a toxic issues also?“- I am sorry that you were ostracized from the group of friends.
It is possible that Dona has toxic issues. Lots of people do. But I understand why she’d be troubled by the fact that you didn’t visit her, and particularly her parents (who were good to you) even though you live in the same town.
I wonder what bad things she said about you..?
“And is that problem on me? I think I have some isolation issues also and Iām introvert“-I wonder if you didn’t visit Dona or her parents because of some form of social anxiety (being nervous to be with people in-person), and on top of it, anxiety born during Covid-19, when being around people in-person was considered physically dangerous?
“And what should I do with her parents? I still feel guiltyĀ because their kindness is really valuable for me. I donāt know either how to repay them..“- did her parents or Dona accuse you of not being grateful to them? What kind of communication have you had with her parents in the last few years and recently?
anita
anitaParticipantDear antarkala: you are welcome, I will reply further tomorrow!
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
In a response to a member today, I came across a quote from health line/ betrayal trauma theory: āA parent bringing a child into the world has a responsibility to protect and care for that child. This responsibility forms an unspoken agreement between parent and child“-
– what happens when the person you look up to the most in the world, the person you, as a child, need most in the whole wide world.. what happens when that person betrays you, again and again and again.. never to correct?
How devastating.. it’s not supposed to be like that. You, a child, looking up to the sky, you protest: it’s not supposed to be this way! But nothing happens. The sky remains the same, no god appearing in the sky to help you. Nothing changes, day in and day out. How darker each night becomes when nothing changes day after day after day.
You get stuck in No-Change (Anxiety), and you have to adapt to it by.. not changing yourself, not growing, not learning, not experiencing life as it could be. The past is the present and the present is the past.
A child betrayed, is it the biggest tragedy of all, or .. the beginning of all tragedies?
The broken heart of a child.
– to be continued.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Ben:
I am glad the visit was fine overall, and I am sorry that the old distress and overthinking (not surprising to me) has been more intense after the visit ended.
“Iāve remembered these past weeks… what you said before about how I struggle to believe I’m loved, and I think itās a bit of that. The classic psychotherapy trick ā whatās the evidence? ā doesnāt really hold true. He still calls every day, and has gotten upset that itās always him calling me (I wait for him to call, always). Iām planning to go visit him in July, only a couple months away, and he wants to come visit me again in December… I think I resent the distance a bit ā maybe him too? (how dare he, really, not be sad about it!)… I remind myself Iām still supporting him, and I think that causes a big resentment because I feel it causes an uneven balance ā I feel like he owes me… I worry about the time too. Distance can be fine, but 4 years of this?… I love him, easier and more openly than anyone else, and I believe he loves me too. I donāt want to give up something that feels this good and that can come along so rarely. But I think a part of me is really doubting if it can really work, keep working, if it can last. The hardest question keeps cropping up ā do I want this? I never know if I have a real answer“-
-What I am getting from the above is that there are four emotions interacting here: anxiety (which is an emotional, long-term condition involving fear), hurt, anger and love. The old hurt of growing up rejected/ unsupported by your father attaches itself to your boyfriend, followed by anger at him, as if he already rejected you; fear of being rejected by him leads to anger at him, involving thinking negatively about him, so to motivate yourself to reject him before he rejects you.
“His whole attitude this Easter has irritated me ā I just find it soā¦ frustrating! Especially when heās in a gay relationship and doesnāt see any issues with being a whole hearted defender of Catholicism?!“- as I see it, this is an example of you thinking negatively about him (suggesting that he is a hypocrite, perhaps) so to motivate yourself to.. reject him/ end the relationship) before he rejects you (before he ends the relationship with you).
(Personally, I think it’s fine for a gay man to celebrate Easter and be part of a Catholic church as long as the particular church teaches tolerance, not prejudice/ homophobia).
Do you agree with some or all of the above?
anita
March 30, 2024 at 10:15 am in reply to: Should a “Cheating” Girlfriend be forgiven over a technicality? #430358anitaParticipantDear Paradoxy:
I am the one adding the boldface & italic feature selectively to the quotes in this post): “My father is a pro in speaking the truth in such a logical way that he is able to prove everyone wrong. It is not mere convincing, he is able to use evidence and logic in such a clear form that you cannot argue with logic... he is actually PROVING that his stance is right. If it was mere persuasion, people would still be able to argue with him. But he shuts everyone up with pure logic. Itās like he can PROVE that 2+2=4 instead of 5 and nobody will go against it cause they know he is right…
“The inconsistencies occur because the lifestyle I grew up in is more complex… too complex for me to explain… I am able to argue back against the advice given because… I expected solutions that I have not already thought of but I keep getting answers that I am already aware of“-
– are you aware of the topic of the use of logic vs the abuse of logic? Here is one book that addresses this topic: “How to Win Every Argument: The Use and Abuse of Logic“. Here is another, “Crimes Against Logic..“, and another, “The Thinker’s Guide to Fallacies: The Art of Mental Trickery and Manipulation“.
From the third: “The word āfallacyā derives from two Latin words, fallax (‘deceptive’) and fallere (‘to deceive’). This is an important concept in human life because much human thinking deceives itself while deceiving others. The human mind has no natural guide to the truth, nor does it naturally love the truth. What the human mind loves is itself, what serves it, what flatters it, what gives it what it wants, and what strikes down and destroys whatever ‘threatens’ it… When we look closely at human decisions and human behavior, we can easily see that what counts in human life is not who is right, but who is winning. Those who possess power in the form of wealth, property, and weaponry are those who decide what truths will be trumpeted around the world and what truths will be ridiculed, silenced, or suppressed…
“The human mind… achieves insights and fabricates prejudices. Both useful truths and harmful misconceptions are its intermixed products. It can as easily believe what is false as what is true… It can love and hate. It can be kind and cruel. It can advance knowledge or error. It can be intellectually humble or intellectually arrogant. It can be empathic or narrow-minded. It can be open or closed. It can achieve a permanent state of expanding knowledge or a deadening state of narrowing ignorance… How can humans create within their own minds such an inconsistent amalgam of the rational and the irrational? The answer is self-deception. In fact, perhaps the most accurate and useful definition of humans is that of
‘the self-deceiving animal.’… Every culture and society sees itself as special and as justified in all of its basic beliefs and practices…“It is not possible to create an exclusive and exhaustive list of fallacies… It is common for people (in their thinking) to: … fail to notice contradictions... use only the information that supports their view… fail to notice their assumptions.. lack insight into their prejudices…”-
– fascinating, isn’t it?
anita
anitaParticipantYou are very welcome, Moutoshi. Anytime you’d like to share your thoughts and feelings, in the special way you do, please do, I’d love to read, and reply.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Ben: I am looking forward to read and reply to you Sat morning (my time, 11 hours from now, approx.)
anita
March 29, 2024 at 11:22 am in reply to: Should a “Cheating” Girlfriend be forgiven over a technicality? #430332anitaParticipantDear Paradoxy:
You ended your last post addressed to me with (I am adding the boldface feature): “It is too late to be Godwin-the-child, I have a med degree to finish and I am too old to be behaving like a child… I do not have the time nor energy to share to Godwin-the-child. I do have a lot to grow Anita and I will. Eventually I will get past this. Paradoxy.“-
The following is my understanding. I am speaking only for myself, not for other responders, and my intent is to be of some help to you, if you allow it:
You can’t get past this unless you get through it, and you can’t get through it if you continue to ask questions and then, before you consider the answers you receive, you argue against them. It’s like this: you know (you think you know) the answers, but you ask the questions just so to have the opportunity to argue with the person responding to you.
And the content of your arguments is full with paradoxes: contradictory statements and inconsistent logic. When a responder points to a specific inconsistency, you respond with more inconsistencies.
“It is too late to be Godwin-the-child, I have a med degree to finish and I am too old to be behaving like a child… I do not have the time nor energy to share to Godwin-the-child. I do have a lot to grow Anita and I will. Eventually I will get past this. Paradoxy.”- yes, I agree:Ā you are too old to be eating with a bib around your neck, too old toĀ throw a tantrum in the market because they ran out of ice-cream. I don’t recommend behaving in such ways.
“It is too late to be Godwin-the-child, I have a med degree to finish and I am too old to be behaving like a child… I do not have the time nor energy to share to Godwin-the-child. I do have a lot to grow Anita and I will. Eventually I will get past this. Paradoxy.”-
– You will not get past this for as long as you treat Godwin-the-child rudely and cruelly. Goldwin-the-adult has the self-discipline to prevent Goldwin-the-child from throwing a tantrum in the market, but you can not silence him otherwise. Seems like you think that you can leave him behind and move on without him, and experience some semblance of mental health, but.. it’s not possible, not at 19, not at 29, not at 79.
You have turned against yourself, trying to cut off a part of you, a part that you need. Don’t hate this part of you, love him instead, and you’ll be greatly rewarded for it.
What I expressed in the above two paragraphs is the truth, it’s how it is, unarguably. About arguing, it’s not good for my mental health to argue, especially again and again, on and on, it makes me anxious… so I won’t. I will close with a few quotes (Goodreads) about arguing, quotes with which I agree (regardless of who said them), and which I believe to be very relevant to your thread:
“It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them.ā āĀ Pierre Beaumarchais
“We almost never teach or learn when arguing.ā āĀ Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argumentā and that is to avoid it. Avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes.ā āĀ Dale Carnegie.
“If you want to bring the world closer to peace, be a peacemaker by creating peace whenever you can. If you find yourself engaged in an argument that only stirs anger in the heart, quickly make peace and carry on.ā- Suzy Kassem
I am making peace and carrying on..
anita
anitaParticipant* Please see March 28, 2024Ā Special Message on page 2. Thank you.
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 