Dear Peter:

“It seems you, Anita and I struggle with a similar deep wound of having been told who we were and believing it”- this is where labeling is necessary as I see it: we have to label parts of what we were told and believed about ourselves False, and what we are growing into believing- True.

Repeating positive affirmations in regard to new beliefs is not enough. The labeling has to advance farther, to be made clearer and more comprehensive, to sink in deeper and deeper. As I imagine the child-me right now, the young child- I feel resistance to the label “good”. I doubt it. Of course, impatience with this resistance can only backfire. Maintaining anger toward my mother, the person who introduced and instilled the bad-label, has proven ineffective, having backfired and kept me stuck.

* Thank you Peter for making me realize the above about my anger for the first time in my life, here on your thread!

It’s natural to not change core beliefs, such as I-am-bad, quickly and thoroughly. There are too many neurons and pathways between neurons, too much interplay between neuropathways to allow a simple, quick change.

“I think you defined Skillful hope best in the previous post ‘My Hope now is to say YES to me being me'”- The belief and label I-am-good is necessary for the purpose of me saying YES to being me.

Question is: what is good and was I born good? I think that we are born with the need and desire to please our caregivers, a survival need which can be seen as “good” because it’s about pleasing people. I believe that this early desire to please caregivers and other adults in our early lives, like teachers, can be expanded into a desire- as adults- to help people who are in pain and in need for help even though such help/ pleasing-others is not needed for our own personal survival.

I think that this is what is making me a good person today: the desire and commitment to do-no-harm coupled with a desire and commitment to help- not for self-centered or selfish purposes but because of a sense of connection with other humans, as in: we are all in the same boat: when I help you, I help myself; when I help myself, I help you.

“The hero’s Hope was that when times were hard and victory unlikely, they would stand and press forward remaining true to themselves and their friends… I think, if I dare to hope, it is the fool’s hope”- my goal then is to remain true to my commitments to do-no-harm and to help others and myself regardless of external circumstances.

After all, in the past I was miserable not only in bad external circumstances, but also in good external circumstances, sooner or later, because I believed that I was a bad person and understandably, I didn’t believe that it was right that I’d be true to a bad person. There is a line from a song that comes to my mind, translated: “a man lives within himself’, or “inside himself”. Peace of mind, thriving in life cannot take place in the external locations and circumstances of our lives unless it predominantly takes place in that short distance between our ears.

“Even with all the positive work we have done to return to that ‘stillness where no work is required’, we can still slip into depression. Wounds can heal but forgetting and transforming memory is another thing. Even the transformed memory remembers its source… A beginners mind would then be a mind free of Karma, free of attachment to memory. Easier said then done. I am reminded of that quote – that we see the world not as it is but as we are”- very well said!

“Hope it seems is not for wimps”- an original expression, articulated by Peter who is indeed not a wimp at all 🙂

anita

Dear Jana:

“Growing up, I felt that there was either a lack of interest or rejection/ belittling of my troubles. So, I gave up. I realized that I was simply alone. I had to go through it on my own. And I closed myself in my little inner world, the only world, hope, support I had/have”-

– Reading this, I remembered how in my writings here in the forums, instead of typing that I “grew up” (as a child), I often type that I “grew in”, as in inward, not upward or outward. I am reminded how much of an introvert I have been. It is only within the last 10 years that I started to grow outward, re-engaging with society for the first time in.. well, decades.

“I was an independent introvert even as a very small child (my parents always tell me about it)”- they always tell you about it as if your independence and introversion were inherent traits that you were born with, while other children were supposedly born dependent and extroverted. Your parents, so it seems, do not realize that these traits- I believe- were responses to their (and others outside the home) lack of emotional support.

I mean, there is no doubt in my mind, now that I finally feel a strong connection with other people, now that I am extroverted (!)- that my introversion was not an inherent trait, and that I would have been extroverted as a child and onward if I grew up in an emotionally supportive home.

“And I feel selfish because now as an adult I should be a part of society – the ‘outside’… a responsible, practical, useful member of the outside… I have problems with it… on many levels… I was an independent introvert even as a very small child… but later my introversion became deeper… and during the life I gradually lost motivation to be a part of the ‘outside”… like ‘Why should I try? It always ends up badly. I’m better off alone.’ … and that’s where I feel selfish… that I became such a maverick…”-

– You feel selfish because, as an adult, you believe you should be actively participating in society. This belief is greatly influenced by societal expectations that adults should be responsible, practical, and useful members of the community.

Thing is, society, starting with one’s parents, has a fundamental duty to provide emotional support, nurturing, and care to children. This foundation is crucial for healthy development. This emotional support helps build trust, self-worth, and a sense of security, enabling children to grow into confident and well-adjusted adults.

In return, individuals who receive adequate support and nurturing are generally more equipped to contribute positively to society. They become responsible, practical, and useful members of the community. This reciprocal relationship benefits both the individual and society. It’s a nonverbal social contract, a give-and-take relationship between Society and the Individual.

When an individual does not receive the necessary emotional support from parents/ society, it’s understandable why one would struggle with engaging and contributing to society, as the basic trust is not there.

It’s not selfish to have coped in the way you did (growing inward), it was natural, understandable, no less natural and understandable than a tree facing drought shedding its leaves and branches.

The drought you grew-in with was the lack of emotional support, similar to a tree growing-less (shedding) because of a lack of water.

I believe that your introversion and self-reliance were necessary responses to your circumstances, and that any child in your place growing-in with the same exact circumstances, would have responded similarly if not identically to how you responded. It is amazing how so much of what we turn out to be is a combination of responses and the interplay between the responses over time.

In the sense of how you responded to the circumstances of your early life, you are not alone: there’s a huge group of people who are introverted and minimally engage with society. It’s just that they are not visible or audible (since they don’t engage), so one doesn’t notice them, while the extroverted are visible and audible, and therefore noticed.

Does this help with your feelings of guilt, just a bit?

anita

Dear Jana:

You are very welcome! I wonder why you felt selfish making your own independent decisions, etc., as in taking care of yourself. Maybe you felt, growing up, that there was not enough space for your problems (being bullied at school, etc.), that you’d just be adding to a parent trouble and stress, that it was selfish of you to prioritize yourself? Anything like that?

anita

Dear Beni:

You acknowledged having a controlling mother but also mentioned an accepting father, stating that although your parents provide physical support, there was a lack of emotional support and interest.

You expressed a desire to break free from the past and take on an adult role in your life but you struggle with comparing your childhood to others’ and feeling that your problems are silly or made up. This self-invalidation prevents you from fully acknowledging your experiences and the impact of these experiences on you. You want to believe that your experiences are valid and that trauma can result from small stresses.

My input today: for young children, stresses and trauma are significant even when as adults looking back and comparing, those stresses look small in comparison to other people’s sufferings.

It is important to understand that children don’t have the same perspective as adults. They don’t have the ability to compare their experiences to others’ and minimize their own trauma. For the child, the stress and trauma they experience are very real and impactful. So, when you are now minimizing your suffering as a child by comparing your suffering to others’- the boy that you were (who is still a big part of you)- did not and does not compare. His emotional sufferings were- are real and significant.

By the way, everything is physical: emotional experiences are physical, involving chemicals that are released into the blood and create physical reactions in our physical bodies, even when such reactions are not evident to the outside.

Also, a child who suffers traumas like natural disasters, wars, crime (such things that seem way bigger- in an adult’s mind- than a child who let’s say suffered from a peer at school who said hurtful things to the child), if they have emotional support from caregivers/ adults, they are likely to end up way less damaged emotionally than a child experiencing a bully in school and having no emotional support from parents or teachers.

Emotional support is crucial to the emotional health of the child. It softens the blows of negative events and experiences. Having no emotional support=> there’s nothing to soften the blows.

I hope this helps explain why childhood stresses and traumas are significant, even if they seem small- in an adult’s mind- in comparison to other people’s suffering.

“so I’m crying for justice but also I’m an adult now. And I want to be the adult in this relationship. I want to break free”- to break free, you will need to get to a point where you no longer compare and minimize and invalidate your childhood sufferings.

It’s a good thing, Beni, that you are actively creating space for yourself. Please create more space for yourself by validating your experiences as a child. This is essential for nurturing your authentic self.

Continue to engage in activities that allow you to express yourself and feel safe, whether it’s volunteering or other pursuits that bring you peace. Your approach to experiencing emotions mindfully, with equanimity and compassion, is commendable. Befriending yourself and accepting your emotions can help reduce internal conflict and foster self-compassion, softening blows in life.

It’s important to find a balance between not pushing yourself too hard and taking gentle steps towards your goals. Small, manageable actions can help you build confidence without overwhelming yourself. Celebrate every small victory along the way.

Building meaningful connections can be challenging, especially with a history of feeling emotionally unsupported. It’s okay to take your time and seek out relationships that align with your values and needs. Trust that authentic connections will come with time and patience.

Your spiritual journey is a valuable path for self-discovery and inner peace. Embrace this journey and allow it to guide you towards a deeper understanding of yourself and your place in the world.

Beni, your awareness and willingness to explore your emotions and experiences are truly admirable. Continue to honor your journey, and know that it’s okay to seek support when needed. You are not alone, and your path towards healing and growth is uniquely yours. Thank you again for sharing, and I’m here for you if you have more thoughts or questions.

anita

Dear Substantial:

Based on the detailed post and the questions you asked at the end, I can infer certain aspects of your childhood experiences that shaped some of your current behavior and feelings in the relationship.

It’s possible that as a child, you experienced a parentification dynamic where you took on caregiving responsibilities for your parents or siblings, placing yourself on the sidelines and prioritizing their needs. This often leads to an ingrained need to please others and take care of them at the expense of one’s own needs.

Growing up in a home where a parent’s love and approval are conditional on a child’s ability to please the parent or meet their needs, often results in a pattern of over-giving to seek validation and affection.

If your caregivers/ parents were emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or neglectful, you could have developed a deep-seated fear of abandonment. This fear can manifest in adult relationships as anxiety, clinginess, and the need for constant reassurance.

The anxiety you feel when trying to focus on your own life rather than over-giving suggests a strong fear that you might lose your partner’s love and attention if you don’t constantly prioritize her needs (same as what you feared as a child: that if you don’t always prioritize a parent’s needs, you will get any love or positive attention?)

Growing up in a critical or invalidating home leads to low self-esteem, internalizing beliefs that you are not worthy of love unless you are constantly giving and pleasing others.

The constant overthinking and questioning of the relationship indicate deep-rooted insecurities about your worth and the stability of the relationship.

I would like to try and answer the questions you asked toward the end of your original post:

1. “Am I too needy?”- It’s natural to want affection and attention in a relationship. Reflecting on whether these needs stem from childhood/ past experiences (before you met your partner) or current dynamics can help you understand and address them better.

2. “Do I have low self-esteem?”- Your post does indicate struggles with self-esteem. Building self-worth independently of the relationship (perhaps within psychotherapy) is crucial.

3. “Does she really love and care about me?”- Love can be expressed in different ways, and sometimes mismatched love languages can create misunderstandings. Maybe your love language is Acts of Service, and hers is Words of Affirmation (I don’t know). Honest conversations about how you both express and perceive love can provide clarity.

You wrote: “For me, the concept of love is you are there to give to the other person, be a source of happiness and peace for that person”- But if you grew up unloved, unhappy and not in peace- without significant healing since (as in psychotherapy), it is not possible for a romantic partner to make you feel loved, happy and in peace, not for long, no matter how hard she may try.

You wrote: “I then tell her that even if she puts in the effort, it comes after I’ve asked for it, making it seem forced. To which she tells me I don’t give her space to do anything for me”- You have specific expectations about how care and affection should be expressed in the relationship (love language). Your girlfriend might feel pressured to meet these expectations, feeling controlled and confined to your love language. She may perceive that there is little room for her own way of expressing care (her own love language).

The fact that you ask for certain actions and then feel the efforts are forced highlights a dynamic where her possibly spontaneous acts of care/ love are less valued, maybe they go unnoticed. In other words, you may see the expression of love rigidly, as in almost limited to one love language, and you’ve been trying to force her to express her love in that one language, dismissing or not even noticing her own love language or languages.

You wrote: “She thinks she can’t make me happy, no matter what she does I always complain and whine about it”- her statement suggests that your need for validation may be insatiable. Indeed, when needs from childhood are significantly or severely unmet for too long, no amount of love in adulthood can satisfy those unmet needs, not without a healing process such that can take place within competent psychotherapy.

The communication issues and arguments within the relationship highlight that both partners, you and your girlfriend, are likely triggering each other’s emotional wounds. Your need for constant reassurance might trigger her feelings of inadequacy or pressure, while her perceived lack of love triggers your fears of being unloved and unworthy of love.

4. “Am I with the right person?”- Determining if you’re with the right person involves assessing compatibility, shared values, and mutual respect. It is possible that you’ve been re-experiencing, at least in part, your past childhood struggles in the context of your romantic relationship as an adult.

5. “Is this how relationships work?”- Healthy relationships shouldn’t lead to one person feeling consistently undervalued or anxious. So, no, it is not how a healthy relationship works.

6. “What went wrong between us? (As for the early 7-8 months in the relationship, we never fought)”- Initial phases of relationships often involve the “honeymoon period” where conflicts are minimal, a period of time when you felt loved perhaps. As the relationship progresses, differences and unmet needs (from childhood and otherwise) surface.

7. “Am I being too feminine?”- Attributes like nurturing, empathy, and expressing feelings are not inherently feminine or masculine; they are human traits. It’s important to embrace and honor your authentic self without labeling these qualities as feminine or masculine.

8. “Do I love her more than she loves me?”- reads to me that you need her more than she needs you, a need that was born in childhood, way before you met her.

9. “Is she using me?”- reflect on what are the advantages to her in the relationship with you, what are the practical and emotional benefits for her?

10. “Is she right to be self-centered, and that’s how one should be in a relationship, or she’s a narcissist?”- I’ll answer this with a question: growing up, who was indeed self-centered, very self-centered, not even noticing what you needed, what you felt and needed?

anita

Dear Peter:

Thank you for caring about ho I feel, it’s meaningful to me that you expressed such care! I am feeling much better: nothing like working outdoors on frozen ground and worrying about frozen toes to shake one from low feelings! Back to you tomorrow!

anita

Dear Substantial:

I am looking forward to reading ad replying to you in the next few hours or so.

anita

Dear Peter: we submitted posts 5 min apart. Maybe you didn’t notice my recent post.