Dear gresshoppe:

“I’m compassionate, but part of me feels like he’s prolonging it“- be compassionate toward yourself as well. If the prolonging of the talk, a talk you want to be done with, is distressing you, you can send him a breakup message online, one that is kind and gentle. He can read it at his pace, when it’s convenient for him.

anita

* Because the following includes many quotes from online sources, it may include a lot of excess/ messy print, in which case, I will resubmit it for a clear, easy to read text.

Dear Paradoxy:

I am back to your thread because it would be socially irresponsible of me to leave a question  you asked 16 hours ago unanswered. Here is the question that you asked in this public forum: “Doesn’t that make me an abuser too? Because I have called her names in anger and apologized to her later, only to repeat it the next time she pissed me off. The only difference is that I did not just call her random insults (except recently with the use of the term bitch, whore (which I already explained), garbage, trash etc.), I made sure to use terms that literally described how she was behaving, such as brick wall, stupid, dumb, fool etc.”

I will take my time answering your question as thoroughly as I can. It will be a long post.

You called her (B) names, names that you placed in 2 categories: (1) “random insults” and (2) “terms that literally described how she was behaving“.

You listed examples of the names you called her under the 2 categories: bi**, wh***, garbage, trash, etc. (category 1), and brick wall, stupid, dumb, fool, etc. (category 2).

The “etc.” clearly suggests that there are other names in  each category, names that you called her, but you didn’t list those names.

You stated that you called her names, apologized for it later, only to do it again. And you stated that you called her names “in anger“, when she “pissed (you) off“.

very well mind: “Verbal abuse is a type of emotional abuse. It is when someone uses their words to assault, dominate, ridicule, manipulate, and/or degrade another person and negatively impact that person’s psychological health. Verbal abuse is a means of controlling and maintaining power over another person”.

Wikipedia: “Verbal abuse (also known as verbal aggression, verbal attack, verbal violence…) is a type of psychological/ mental abuse that involves the use of oral, gestured, and written language directed to a victim.. (including) the use of derogatory terms, the delivery of statements intended to frighten, humiliate, denigrate, or belittle a person”.

Psychology today: “Verbal abuse is a way of hurting others, using words or silence as a weapon. Unlike physical abuse, verbal abuse doesn’t give rise to broken limbs, black eyes, or bruises. Yet it can be just as emotionally disturbing and often leads to anxiety, fear, despair, or depression”.

very well family: “Everyone has heard the saying: ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”‘ The problem is, this statement is not the least bit true. Name-calling is one of the most damaging and painful types of bullying… It is a form of relational bullying… Name-calling can have serious consequences on mental health. In fact, many researchers feel it is one of the most damaging forms of bullying”.

definitions, us legal: “Verbal abuse is the use of words to cause harm to the person being spoken to… The most commonly understood form is name-calling. Verbal abuse may consist of shouting, insulting, intimidating, threatening, shaming, demeaning, or derogatory language, among other forms of communication. Perpetrators of verbal abuse often misuse their authority and prey on those in a subordinate position”.

Christian website: “Verbal abuse can leave deep wounds that are not easily healed. If you or someone you know suffers from this, you may wonder – what does the Bible say about verbal abuse? Read on as we explore biblical truths about this difficult topic. The quick answer is that Scripture clearly prohibits abusive speech and behavior. Time and again biblical authors condemn harsh words, insults, slander, and more. The Bible calls us to love one another, which leaves no room for tearing others down with our words… The Bible has strong words against verbal abuse and hurtful speech…

“The Bible says ‘the tongue has the power of life and death‘ (Proverbs 18:21). Our words carry tremendous power and we are accountable for how we use them. Scripture condemns verbal abuse in passages like Ephesians 4:29: ‘Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.’ Hurtful speech tears down rather than builds up… Words have incredible power. They can uplift and encourage, or demoralize and destroy. Verbal abuse inflicts deep wounds. Studies show it negatively affects mental health and can lead to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, PTSD, and even suicide…

“Words also impact us physiologically. Being yelled at spikes blood pressure and stress hormones like cortisol. Over time, this damages health. At an extreme, words can even kill. Scripture says ‘cruel words crush the spirit’ (Proverbs 15:4 CEV). Abusive speech destroys relationships and tears families apart. It breeds insecurity, resentment, and dysfunction. God desires our speech to build up, not tear down. As Ephesians 4:15 (NLT) says, ‘We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ‘…Proverbs 18:21 declares, ‘Death and life are in the power of the tongue.‘…

“We have a sobering responsibility in how we use our words… Jesus emphasized the importance of our words in Matthew 12, where He said we will give an account on judgment day for every ‘careless word’ we have spoken (v.36). Sobering words indeed!… Ephesians 4:29 provides a helpful filter we can apply to our communication: ‘Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.’ Before speaking, we ought to ask ourselves, “Will this comment contribution positively to this conversation and to the people participating?” If not, it’s better left unsaid…

“The first recorded instance of verbal abuse in the Bible is when Cain insulted his brother Abel. Genesis 4:3-8 describes how both brothers brought offerings to God. Abel’s offering of the firstborn of his flock pleased God, but Cain’s offering of fruit did not. This angered Cain greatly and ‘his face fell.‘ Rather than examine his own heart, Cain took out his anger on his brother, mocking his offering. This ultimately led to the first murder when Cain killed his brother…

“Many faiths uphold the inherent worth and dignity of all people as made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). Degrading words can violate this God-given dignity. Scripture calls us to ‘speak evil of no one’ (Titus 3:2)..

“The Bible compares the tongue’s power to a flaming fire that can consume what it touches (James 3:6). Our speech has creative potential for good or ill. As Matthew 12:37 states, ‘By your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned’. Golden rule: Jesus taught to ‘do to others what you would have them do to you‘ (Matthew 7:12). If we wouldn’t wan t to receive harsh words, we should be unwilling to inflict them on others. Applying the Golden Rule to our speech promotes compassion”.

Back to your words of 16 hours ago, Paradoxy: “this is not the first fight/break up we have had… this constant break up and getting back together was a cycle“- I wanted to ask you a long time ago, but didn’t: since you met B, if you add all the time you and her were together vs apart, were you apart longer than you were together? Also, who initiated a breakup every time a breakup took place? Were all the fights about her sexual misconduct, or were there other topics? Did she start the fights, did you, or was it a mix? Last question for now: when you called her names, how did she react?

You didn’t mention that she called you names. You shared that in  regard to her sexual misconduct, she lied to you, accused you and blamed you for it, for example, saying that she prostituted herself once or twice because you broke up with her. In adult, romantic relationships, often it is not the case that one of the parties is The Victim and the other, The Perpetrator. Often there is wrong-talking and wrong-doing on both sides.

Back to what you wrote yesterday: “most of these girls here are worse than B. I’ve seen how these girls behave, literally no respect for their partners. These girls make B look like she is a perfect angel from heaven“-

– this worries me. You repeatedly called a “perfect angel from heaven” (by comparison to other women), terrible names.. if you got into a relationship with any of the “worse than B” women, what would you call them..?

Of course, I hope you wouldn’t call anyone names, which brings me back to your question. The answer: yes, you verbally abused B, and repeatedly.

I just read your most recent posts. You ended your 2nd post a few minutes ago with this: “I know I gave B a lot of chances already, but even the Bible indicates that I should forgive an infinite number of times. However, I guess even the Bible doesn’t want me to be taken advantage of. Paradoxy”-

rock solid faith: “If a spouse is unfaithful, the Bible teaches that they can ask God for forgiveness, and He will forgive them“- not that B is a spouse, but nonetheless, ask your God to forgive her. Learn from the experience, correct the behaviors on your part that need to be corrected, and forgive yourself.

anita

Dear Going Through Life:

You are welcome. The good thing about the latest interaction with her (you sending her the message and her responding) is that you got the information you needed and “clarity about a relationship” (in the title of your thread), or better say, clarity about the possibility of a relationship with EN.

If you didn’t send her a message at all, you’d be wondering if there’s a chance with her. If you sent her a message accusing her of lying about meeting someone else (in your original draft of the message), and she didn’t respond positively, you might have wondered if the reason was your accusation.

Since you sent an appropriate, non-accusatory, fair message, you can trust that you received clear and definite response.

“I’m accepting the situation. I had strong and have really positive feelings about her but looks like it’s time for something better.“- I very much like your attitude and optimism! I am looking forward to be reading about you being in a good relationship, soon enough.

anita

Dear Ben:

Does the following (quote from an online source) fits your mother?

“individuals who have a pervasive, persistent, and enduring mistrust of others, and a profoundly cynical view of others and the world…  hypervigilant to physical, verbal or social attacks, and do not trust others, and therefore tend to have few if any close or intimate associates. They tend to be aloof, cold, distant, argumentative, and frequently complain. They may appear guarded and secretive, very rational, logical, and unemotional, but at times will be sarcastic, hostile, and rigid. Generally they have a difficult time getting along with others..  tend to do poorly with group activities and collaborative projects. They will be highly critical of others, but will respond to criticism of themselves with hostility or defensiveness…

“will believe others are using, lying to, or harming them, without apparent evidence thereof… have doubts about the loyalty and trustworthiness of others… will not confide in others due to the belief that their confidence will be betrayed… will interpret ambiguous or benign remarks as hurtful or threatening, and Hold grudges.. In the absence of objective evidence, believe their reputation or character are being assailed by others, and will retaliate in some manner and.. Will be jealous and suspicious without cause that intimate partners are being unfaithful.”

Coming to think of it, how much of the above fits you (and what doesn’t fit)?

anita

Dear John:

“moving way too fast and saying way too much too early in a relationship…  I just need to practice the patience I am so desperately trying to learn…  I just need some support with patience“-

– Here’s a quote from Goodreads that’s relevant: “Patience is where we realize that to rush something is to compromise it to its own destruction. Maturity is to realize that the most effective way to stop the destruction is by beginning to develop patience. And the first place that we need to do that is with ourselves.” (Craig D. Lounsbrough, a counselor/ life coach)

Here’s a quote from the bible (1 Corinthians 13:14), also relevant: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”

Quotes like these inspire me to develop more patience.

A major factor in learning patience is tolerating discomfort, to say to yourself, when uncomfortable (anxious, hurt, angry, bored.. impatient): This is merely uncomfortable, not intolerable. In other words, increase your tolerance for discomfort. It is an emotion regulation skill, aka distress tolerance. In developing distress tolerance, mindfulness practices are very helpful. Regularly listening to/ watching guided meditations, available free online, is one such practice.

For the impatient, it’s difficult to slow down as the guided meditation requires, but if you tolerate the initial discomfort involved, it will help you tremendously in learning/ developing patience.

anita

Dear antarkala:

I decided to post this evening (here). I hope that the above post about ROCD will be of some help to you. This evening I reread your posts as a preparation for my current reply. I tried to locate the core issues, to understand better. The following may be disturbing to read. I am sorry.

“I did tell my mother about my boyfriend and she told me he is not good enough for you“- I think that when she told you that he is not good enough for you, she delivered the almost certain kiss of death to the relationship.

“my boyfriend not being very social.. He is a monotonous person… he is not spiritual…  I did get thoughts like ‘maybe he is not strong enough’, ‘maybe is not qualified enough’, ‘I don’t think he is manly enough’… “Am I settling for less?‘”- your mother’s message he is not good enough for you! was and is very powerful.

“She told me her instinct says he isn’t right and that she (suspected) that we planned to come to the USA because there was something going on – while in reality, there was nothing!… She said she suspected my boyfriend was trying to get me since in India… It took me a while to trust him after all that my mother said“- in addition to sending you the powerful message above, she also expressed inappropriate possessiveness of you, a sort of competition with your boyfriend, competition for your focus in life.

“My father was not a great husband… yes! I am that friend/ confidant of her. She shares everything with me. I started supporting her as I grew up and pushing her to stand up for herself and even stood up against my dad and my grandparents demanding she should be treated better for everything she does for the family. She gradually started doing that my dad keeps joking she gets courage in my presence and never listens to him“-in some significant ways, you took on the role of a man, a man fighting for your mother. In the context of daughter and mother, she was weak, you were strong; she was the woman, you were the man.

So much so, that your manly role extended to other contexts, you felt like a man, walked like a man and took on a lady don persona: “My school teacher once described me as a lady don to my dad and I once remember one of my teachers telling me my walk is too manly.. could never relate to girls having crushes.. The concept of having kids never appealed to me”.

A daughter’ relationship with her mother, when inappropriate (I mean emotionally inappropriate, not sexually inappropriate), can have lasting implications on the daughter’s gender identity and (dys)function within romantic relationships. This has been true in my case.

You wrote yesterday: “I’m still unable to decide and sometimes feel like something is missing, especially attraction. Is this just a very close friendship?… I’m tired of going in circles and feeling anxious from time to time that I feel like breaking up unable to take it anymore, but I know that I want to breakup with this anxiety and uncertainty more than the person.“- your mother is winning the competition with your boyfriend. Her powerful message is winning. Please arrange to see a competent psychotherapist who is willing to explore the idea that a relationship between a mother and her daughter (through no fault of the daughter) can be inappropriate. I think that you need clarity about your relationship with your mother before you can have clarity about your relationship with (any) boyfriend.

Things can get better, antarkala, it’s just that we have to be tough and go through what we need to get through .. so to get clarity, understanding and calm, best we can.

anita