Forum Replies Created
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AuthorPosts
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anitaParticipantDear Blue:
“I feel my issue so small to other major problem out there like Israel- Palestine war”- this war is in the forefront of my mind, and you are the first member who mentioned it (as far as I know); thank you for acknowledging it’s significance.
“YOU are such a very attentive person and have a very good memory”- thank YOU!
“I feel so ashamed at this age(40) I still struggle with so many problems to find things that people at my age already have; but that’s the reason I find you and Tiny Buddha”-
– I wish you didn’t feel ashamed at all: you don’t deserve to feel this painful emotion (shame). You are far from being the only person anywhere with many problems at 40 (or 60.. or at any age). This world we live in is a deeply and massively troubled and problematic world, so, no wonder we have many problems. Your problems are Our problems, We share them.
“I am not be pleased by my boss though I am a very effective and clever staff. In other words, she is not happy with my talents and put me in boring research position while my major in import-export. SO I have a lot of free time for many years”- it’s a mismanagement on her part to not put your talents into good use.
Mismanagement is a global theme, from insides homes to companies such as the one you work for.. to countries and the world at large. Oh.. what a different place the world would have been if it was managed well…
“My parents are too old for me to go away from them to follow my dream; SO I choose to accept and try to adjust myself… and would like to come here again to see if there is any group or person to join in sharing about meditation or personal development method, as I think this is a very healthy and helpful place, especially there is you, thank you”-
– You are welcome and thank you for being here and communicating with me. I wish you were able to follow your dreams. You are welcome to post again anytime and share your thoughts and feelings. I would like to read from you anytime, and reply.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Luna:
Thank you for getting back to me, for your good wishes, for focusing on the positives and for being otherwise kind to me and to others.
“the importance of personal development and having an open heart and mind to the life lessons… As for the point that has been raised throughout our interactions on intellectualizing emotions. I realize that everyone is prone to doing that at some point as we learn to better process our emotional world and even make the most of it in our real world”-
– After I submitted my last post to you on Sept 30, I read posts that you submitted in early October and I realized that your language was spontaneous and emotions were not intellectualized.. so I was wrong, I knew then, and wanted to let you know but waited until- and if- you get back to me. So, you did get back to me and what you expressed in the quote above is my opportunity to learn a life lesson, here it is (developing my thoughts as I type):
I tend to get laser focused on one element of the big picture and therefore, not see the big picture. I noticed the element of intellectualizing emotions in your early posts, and focused on that element. In my communication with you, I did not consider that everyone intellectualizes emotions to one extent or another (not just Luna.., not just me), and I did not consider the possibility that this element is not permanent, that it is fluid instead, depending on you warming up to certain people, or feeling less awkward perhaps to post on a public forum.
I am wondering about the reason for this lifelong tendency, and what comes to mind is the image of a child trying to find stability on shaky ground where unpredictability/ capriciousness/ instability/ changeability rule. So, the child adjusts to this by looking for and focusing on whatever can be perceived as permanent and stable. Or, in other words, the child needs to see permanence, so she sees permanence. While being laser focused on permanence, changeability is a blur.
Thank you for teaching me this life lesson. I am now more capable than before- because of you- to see the bigger, fluid picture. Quite amazing… It is possible for me to learn this lesson (it will be work in-progress to continue to learn it) because you presented it to me kindly, gently.. not rudely or harshly- another lesson to further learn.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Pandanator:
I am looking forward to attentively read and reply to you Mon morning, in about 12 hours from now.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Andromeda:
I read your 2nd post, still- heartbreaking. Your pain is immense. I want to re-read and reply Mon morning when I am more focused. Will be back to you in about 12 hours from now.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Pandanator:
You mentioned recent health issues, are you okay now, physically?
“I ended up just blocking him from contacting me as I don’t want to get hurt again but I do feel very guilty over that”- this means that part of you thinks r feels that you shouldn’t have blocked him, that it was the wrong thing to do.
“Is there anyway to help stop this overthinking cycle? I don’t understand why he even bothered in the first place”- I overthink when I don’t understand what and why, so I think this possibility, and then I think that possibility.. and end up overthinking. Maybe if you share more about the relationship (when you are in a calm state of mind), I can help you get the clarity that you don’t have now (or didn’t at the time you posted)..?
Confusion=> Overthinking; Clarity=> Calm
anita
anitaParticipantDear Andromeda:
I am so sorry for your huge loss, and I am sorry that your nephew suffered so much.. so very sorry. It is heartbreaking.
He was found this last Thursday, Oct 12, three days ago? And on the night of Oct 12, you had a vision/ feeling about his spirit entering the next life. Can you tell me more about the vision you had..? And how are you feeling today?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Chris:
I hope that as you are reading this reply, you are feeling better than you did at the time you wrote your original post..? And I hope that she is okay.
At the time, I read all your posts in your 11-page first thread (March 9-Aug 4, 2023) titled My depressed girlfriend left me. You started that thread with: “My girlfriend of about 9 months who I genuinely thought was the one, and told me she felt the same just left me a week ago” (March 9). Fast forward (Oct 13), she just broke up with you yet again, and you want to get back with her.. yet again. History repeats itself, doesn’t t?
Since I read all your posts and communication on your first thread, maybe I can be of some help to you in no longer repeating this relationship history…?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Robyn:
I saw and read your thread for the first time today, otherwise I would have replied much earlier. How are you doing now, nine days after you posted the above? Better, I hope..? Reading what you shared.. your father’s despicable behavior, for one, makes me very sad. I hope to read more from you soon.
anita
October 14, 2023 at 6:37 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #423102anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
“How did you begin to see yourself?“- I think that you mean how did I begin to see myself as I truly am (not as I saw myself in the distorted mirror presented to me early in life by my mother). I think that the beginning was in my first experience of quality psychotherapy back in 2011. Aaron (my therapist at the time) asked me questions with an open mind and an open heart.
You know how people ask questions and don’t even wait for an answer (ex. How are you?) Or they ask out of politeness or as a conversation starter, so to talk about things that interest them.. or when you give an answer and people feel awkward and move on to something else..? Aaron asked because he wanted to know what I think, what I feel. He didn’t express any emotion (awkwardness, impatience, annoyance, etc.) that blocked me from expressing myself. He was able to take in my answers in a welcoming, patient and curious way. It was the opposite of being unseen, dismissed, ignored, etc.
“I feel that same impulse to let people know they have been heard…I still do this and even feel unsettled to let a text message go without responding”- I totally relate.
“My dad felt unseen and would internally accuse me of not seeing his pain and empathizing with him, all because little to my knowledge his insecure self needed me to literally tell him he was seen. I literally began to do this for him, he would say he felt I was ungrateful for what he did for me, so much that I started to send him random texts like ‘I love you’ ‘I am thankful for all you do’… hyper-aware of how he was feeling”- parent/ child role reversal: he presented himself to you as an insecure child who needed a mother, and you accommodated him, best you could.
“This is probably one of the reasons you chose my thread..”-I read your first thread back in late July when you started it (I was a Guest at the time, not a Participant) and I was curious about you. I was also saddened at the time that you received angry replies. I chose to post in this thread, your second, after I read the word trauma mentioned by you, as in childhood trauma.
“It is so interesting that you bring up the mirror metaphor… and it made me wonder about my own mother… She was deeply empathetic which I appreciate seeing in the mirror, but she was also very insecure. I don’t think she knew who she was, and was insecure in group settings..”-
– growing up, you had an insecure father and an insecure mother. In my mind’s eye, I see the mirror facing the girl that you were: I see her unsteady on her feet because she has no solid ground to stand on. Or depend on. A child needs strong, secure, solid parents (not that many exist; nonetheless, a child needs what a child needs).
“Wow, what you said about your mother and long tirades about how you don’t care for her, as if you were out to get her, like she was paranoid. This is so hard, dealing with a parent with trust issues that they project onto you is so unfair”- thank you.
‘I would cry every time my dad would go on this tirade, because I am someone who cares so deeply for people, so that he accused me of the opposite made me feel so lost, made me wonder if I knew myself at all. I wonder if this created self doubt in you? and how you overcame/ are overcoming this self doubt?”- I suffered from excruciating Guilt most of my life, feeling like I was a bad person and I lived a life accordingly, a life that a bad person deserves, ex., I spent little of my money- as an adult- on myself so that I could give her as much money as possible so to compensate her for having such a terribly disappointing daughter.
“My dad to this day still very often misinterprets what I do and who I am and it hurts every time, he thinks I am selfish and is probably why I have fears of being selfish or narcissistic…”- emotionally, he is stuck in the narcissistic development stage of childhood, toddler age: me! mine!
I too had a toddler for a parent.. A BIG, dangerous toddler.
“I find myself… cleaning up after myself hyper-vigilantly, making sure YOU are seen, then why shouldn’t you have to be too… Like he will leave a mess at my apartment, something I would be way too self conscious to do at his house and I have to actively stop myself from resenting that he feels the freedom to do those things and I cannot live with it. As if I wish he had the same anxieties as me… but I also don’t wish this upon anyone, so maybe I just wish he could at least empathize my internal torment”-
– the girl that you were hyper-vigilantly cleaned etc., so to please the.. BIG, Dangerous Toddler (BDT), so that he doesn’t throw a tantrum and shake the ground you were standing on. A child on shaky ground does not have the freedom to do anything; the focus is either on preventing the ground from shaking, or on stopping the shaking once it started.
Fast forward, as an adult, emotionally you mistaken your partner for your BDT, and part of you is angry at him for not suffering like you, for… not having had his own BDT to grow up with and react to.
“I would love for this to be a continual conversation, one of my fears is being stagnant in self improvement, but I can feel how effective this conversation is for me, and I hope you are benefiting from it as well?”- yes, t is benefiting me as well, thank you. I’ve been using these forums (since May 2015, every day, with a break from Feb to Aug this year) for the purpose of self improvement and so can you!
anita
October 14, 2023 at 4:29 am in reply to: Seeing a man still living with his ex after 20 yrs. #423101anitaParticipantDear Shookie:
Thank you. I forgot my hand support brace in the car, and it’s too dark to go outside and get it, so I am typing with one finger.. I hope you have a beautiful weekend, My Friend Shookie!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Eva:
You are welcome and thank you for your words of wisdom: “This space is here to help people, not to judge them…“, perfectly said! Have a nice weekend yourself!
anita
October 13, 2023 at 11:56 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #423086anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
You are welcome, and thank you for your quick reply. If I was ever to publish a book about my life, the title would be UNSEEN. It’s an everyday experience for me still: for example, I was worried that you will not SEE my first post to you because of possible double posting, and when I saw your reply, I felt relieved. At the end of my first post I asked you, paraphrased, if you wanted to SEE more of my thoughts before I offered more.
Like you, are care very much about others feeling unseen. For over 7 years when I replied to members (under a different account, I answered EVERYONE and as quickly as possible, and if I couldn’t answer at length, I notified members that I will get back to them in X hours, not wanting anyone to feel ignored, left out.. unseen/ unheard.
The pain of growing up unseen is quite amazing in its intensity and persistence.
For a young child, a parent is like a mirror facing the child. The child can’t see herself in any other medium. In the mirror my mother presented to me there were huge areas of darkness, so I couldn’t see the ABC about me. And then, similar to your father in suggesting that you didn’t care about him, my mother suggested the same, and she went on long tirades about how- not only did I not care about her- but that I wanted to hurt her feelings, that I made elaborate plans to hurt her, etc. All untrue, paranoid-like.
She was my mirror and her presenting me as BAD, when I was not.. was a different kind of darkness in that mirror.
I will soon be away from the computer for the rest of the day. We can talk more about this here on your thread over days, weeks.. or longer, for however long you would like. Take care!
* I just noticed that you posted again. I will answer your question for me (and any more that you may add) Sat morning, in about 20 hours from now.
anita
October 13, 2023 at 10:53 am in reply to: Seeing a man still living with his ex after 20 yrs. #423083anitaParticipantDear Shookie:
Reads like a good looking car and it is very new. I hope this means that the work done on it is under warranty. I am not surprised that you are the neighbor’s savior as far as opossum and snakes are concerned, putting on a glove and doing what needs to be done!
It’s 57 degrees here, sunny and I plan to be picking pears today for a local farm down in the valley. I already filled in two large bins of pears.
anita
October 13, 2023 at 10:27 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #423081anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
What got my attention early on when reading your very intelligent (if I my say so) posts in your two threads, is what I see as the core of your difficulties in your relationship with your boyfriend of two years. Here it is (I am adding the boldface feature):
“I do not know if he loves me for me…… He often says ‘love is a choice’ and I get that and agree to an extent but I’m like ‘ok but what do you love about my personality? like me specifically apart from others… I don’t feel seen… I am not sure he sees what makes me special as opposed to another girl… I want him to tell me he loves things about me that make me ME. I want to feel like he sees me… I want him to tell me.. anything that is validating to who I truly am… I want to explode and just be like “DO YOU SEE ME“-
– Having read all the positives you indicated about your boyfriend and the relationship with him, and before reading anything about your childhood and parents, it was clear to me that you grew up UNSEEN, and what you experience with your boyfriend (evident in the quote above) is the re-activation of your unseen childhood experience.
I grew up severely unseen myself, and when I was your age and kind-of dated, I was OBSESED with a man’s previous girlfriends and had to know what’s different about me, what does he like about ME that’s different from what he liked about THEM. I felt like I was.. not appreciated for anything significant that’s special, or unique about me. I didn’t want to be- in the guy’s mind (or in my own mind) just another someone, or.. no one.
I grew up with my mother (father was gone when I was five or six), and .. well, I was one of the loneliest girls on the planet, isolated from the inside.. I’ll try to explain: UNSEEN (with capital letters, as in to the extreme), there was an emptiness within me, a heavy, dark emptiness. To be seen would have been like the person seeing me turning on the lights in that darkness, so that I could see myself. The darkness within made me a stranger to myself. I didn’t know who/ what I truly was, so as a young woman I demanded that a guy will give me the answer: what’s different about me from this or that girl that you dated before.. What’s special about me.. Turn on the light in my darkness-within and tell me what you see..?!
What a relief it was/ is, decades later, to start seeing ME. Interestingly, the more I see, the less my need to be special, unique, as in different or better than others.
Back to you. I didn’t read your childhood experience although I saw that you mentioned it. I will now read..:
“I didn’t receive unconditional love from my father… If I wasn’t doing things to his standards, I received a very cold version of him, versus his warm personality when I was doing something he defined as efficient and effective… My mom.. didn’t allow me to suffer when I was growing up… I mentioned a fear of being/becoming a narcissist. I believe both my parents are on this spectrum. My mom cheated on my dad several times, she slept with a guy I was supposed to go on a date with… My mom hurt him (dad) so bad… I started to recall how emotionally absent my dad had been growing up.. emotionally abandoned… My moms over coddling makes it hard for me to be uncomfortable, and I had to learn to deal with my own emotions later in life which, I still feel control me at times… He (father) was very critical, I left a dish in his sink at his house, or left my backpack downstairs, basically left any trace of myself in ‘his’ house, he would get upset… he would list all the ways I had exemplified being ‘ungrateful’ at his house. The shoes by the door, dishes in the sink… My dad would accuse me of planning my showers around avoiding talking to him… I was a very obedient child, I don’t know why, looking back now I wish I was more rebellious… I was watched like a hawk“-
– you were watched like a hawk, but you were not seen.
Here is what I think your father didn’t see (this is what my mother didn’t see in me): that you LOVED him. If he saw this basic, true, most significant part of who you were as a child, you would have felt seen.
Your empathy (“My mom hurt him so bad“) was with him, but he didn’t see that, did he? Didn’t see how much you cared for him. If he did, he wouldn’t have given you a very cold version of himself when you weren’t doing things to his standards, because he’d know that you loved him no matter what, and when he noticed that you left traces of yourself in his home, like your backpack, instead of thinking something like: this is a backpack and it doesn’t belong here, getting upset; he’d think something to the effect of: this is my daughter’s backpack.. a trace of her love, and she belongs here.
There is more that I can say, but would first like to know what you think about what I wrote here and if more of my input is welcomed..?
anita
October 13, 2023 at 8:04 am in reply to: Seeing a man still living with his ex after 20 yrs. #423047anitaParticipantMy Dear Friend Shookie:
Your words mean so much to me at this difficult time… I don’t think that I helped anyone that much, but your sentiment, your honest intention to make me feel better- is much appreciated, thank you!
I wonder if it’s possible for you to get a different car, one without the chronic problems of the current..
I just had the thought of you being my neighbor, right up the road from me, and it brought the first Fri smile t my face!
anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 