How are you, gresshoppe?

anita

Dear ManagoFandango:

“The only thing that upsets me is that I see that I’ve upset her, and as a person that likes everyone to be happy I don’t want to fall in that trap again. Because if I’m nice to her she will start with the requests again“- she is familiar with your discomfort about people being displeased with you (a discomfort that motivates you to be a people pleaser), and she is taking advantage of your discomfort.

“I realised that if stating my boundaries upsets someone I just have to let it be“- let it be and endure the discomfort I mentioned above.

“And what is this with the fact that she never asks guys to do things? I mean she even does sometimes part of their work, is not upset/angry when her subordinate is late, never asking him to buy her or bring her anything,  is always asking people to help him?… I’m just trying to understand“- maybe she is a people pleaser when it comes to men, a men-pleaser, if you will, but not a women-pleaser.

I believe that she associates you with weakness because of your discomfort about displeasing her. She has taken advantage of you in the past and got away with it.  Maybe her male coworkers do not exhibit such discomfort, so she doesn’t feel that she can get away with taking advantage of them.

It may be that she takes advantage of the people who let her take advantage, and she doesn’t with the people who won’t let her take advantage of them. Maybe she goes belly up (submits to, people-pleasing) with people she perceives to be stronger than her, and she becomes the aggressor with people she perceives to be weaker than her.

anita

Dear Ben:

” what if I just decide to believe it is alright?“- As a man thinks, so he is, more accurately, For as he thinkeths in his heart, so is he (bible). If you think and believe in your heart that you are in control.. you are in control.

You can make a leap of faith today, faith in your ability to survive and be okay whether the relationship status is on or off. I would very much like you to believe this to be true. I do.

anita

Dear Ben:

“I had wondered sometimes if I had BPD… Not that I’m not in control of such behaviours, but the emotional forces behind them overwhelms me easily… I become overwhelmed with vengeance, or betrayal or some such emotion“- I relate. This is why my therapist back in 2011, after diagnosing me with BPD, went by the book, as far as therapy designed for BPD (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, DBT), and started with teaching me emotion regulation skills. This beginning part of the therapy is about lessening the intensity of the emotions you listed, so that they don’t overwhelm you. It makes pausing between emotion (ex., feeling vengeance) and behavior (ex., passive-aggressive talk) possible.

“At the same time my reactions remind me of that of a child, where they in a way can’t handle their emotions/reactions and get into a bit of a state“- yes, like a child throwing a temper tantrum, this is the gist of the BPD explosive rage: a adult throwing a temper tantrum.

“We’re all on the spectrum for some disorder, maybe she is a bit further up than others“-yes, personality disorders are indeed a spectrum thing. Not all people who are diagnosed with a particular personality disorder are.. the same person.

“She was fiercely protective of me rather than involving me in the great betrayal – along with my sibling, and her close friends – they were ‘in the circle’“- unlike my mother in this respect. I was outside her circle.

“My father says she never used to be like this… It was only when I was a teenager that it really got worse – those years where my view of the world is formed…and I was alone with her an awful lot… a lot of this paranoid thinking sprinkled on top. Nonetheless, I think seeing it in a frame of a disorder helps“- the idea behind the professionals who place combinations of symptoms in groups, creating mental health diagnoses, is to design a specific therapy for each category.

“I regret so much…  rolling my eyes at his attempts to create closeness – ignoring his calls when it wasn’t convenient for me, for example“- passive-aggressive behaviors, having enough control to not be fully aggressive..?

“The best way for us to return to a normal baseline is for me to reduce the intensity of my emotions“- yes: emotion regulation.

“I can’t just constantly seek reassurance after causing a minor rift… I’m writing this and remembering what you said a couple days ago, that the inner child is dominant in me… This seeking reassurance from my boyfriend reminded me of this. But it’s like I’m determined to hear him say it again and again until I feel better. If I don’t hear it, it means I have killed out relationship and all those bad things will come true“- asking for/ reaching out for his reassurance has become a compulsion. When you receive it, you feel better for a short time, then you need it again.. and again. His reassuring words are like a drug for you, isn’t it?

anita

Dear Sunny:

Reads like an sincere, thorough apology.

I am not understanding something, you wrote (in the last two posts): “I didn’t yell or argue with him in a violent tone. It was a very calm toned conversation… I feel very uneasy about this because we’ve had fights before“- if there were no yelling, no violent tone… no abusive words (?), if it was a very calm-toned conversation… what do you mean by the words fights?

anita

Dear Sunny:

You asked me what I think of replies that you received from other members. My practice on the rare occasions when I comment on other responders’ input, is to only mention what I agree with, not what I disagree with. I express my own understandings in my own replies, so there is no need to mention or argue against others’ replies. Of course, I sometimes make mistakes, and so do others. I am open to correct my mistakes and work for a better and more thorough understanding the longer I communicate with members.

If you disagree with some (or all) of my expressed understanding below, please let me know. Some of what follows, if correct, will be difficult to read because it might make you feel badly, but (again, if correct),  reading and considering what follows, at your own timing and pace, can be of significant help for you.

“The day before my partners first day of work, there was an argument between us. This resulted in tension on his first day and he shared he felt very lonely“- the argument harmed him.

“We both have shared that after fighting, sometimes it’s hard to just bounce back to normalcy“- the fighting harmed him, you and the relationship.

“he stated that I prioritized the wrong emotions and that I should have been there for him on his first day of work… The fight we had was about surprises and gift giving. He kept saying he did not know what I wanted as a gift and that I never tell him anything which was incorrect. There are a few things I wanted and I shared that with him multiple times… I became a bit frustrated because to me it felt like he was not listening to what I was saying all those times of me saying I want something. That is what started the argument between us. It turns out he was only saying that to throw me off but I wasn’t aware of that…(to) surprise me because he in fact did get me those presents“-

– I believe that I now understand what happened: your partner was about to start a new job. It was the day before his first day at work. He was anxious about the next day and needed you to be there for him, to calm down his anxiety about the next day. But instead of calming down his anxiety, you added to his anxiety by arguing about him saying that he didn’t remember what birthday gifts you repeatedly told him that you want from him.

He has a very valid point, Sunny. You did indeed placed the wrong emotional priority that day: you should have not questioned him and argued with him about him not listening to you, especially on the day before his first day at work. Arguing increases anxiety, the opposite of what he needed.

Think of it from a practical angle: for him to be able to buy you the gifts you want, he’d need a job, so to make the money to purchase the gifts. From this perspective alone, it was a priority on that day that you calm his anxiety, and in so doing, increase his chances to do well on the first day of his new job.

“He said he felt lonely and overwhelmed.. He said that he needed me there but I wasn’t there. He also stated how he wants his partner to offer these things at a time of need as well as in general and not seeing that from me is sending him into a state of confusion, anxiety and stress“- the arguing did all this to him, it made him feel very badly. He doesn’t want the type of relationship that sends him into a state of confusion, anxiety and stress, a very valid assertion.

“While I do understand that I may not have been there for him on his first day, I was trying to release tension between us“- you were trying to release tension within you, not tension between you and him. By arguing with him, you created tension between the two of you.

“which is why I felt like I wasn’t prioritizing the wrong emotions here“- I believe that you did indeed prioritize the wrong emotions on that day. Putting aside the fact that he did remember what gifts you wanted, already purchased them, and was trying to throw you off so that you will be surprised when he gives you the gifts, what caused you the tension within, what distressed you on that day was that you felt that he didn’t listen to you:

“it felt like he was not listening to what I was saying all those times of me saying I want something“- reads like growing up, you weren’t listened to…? It is possible that the tension within you in regard to not being listened to, existed way before you met your partner, and this past tension re-awakens in adult situations when you are being listened to..?

“I was only trying to make things better between us. Is that so much of a bad thing?“-  a state of confusion, anxiety and stress is a bad thing. It’s bad for one’s performance on the first day of work, it’s bad for one’s health, plus many people have accidents, get injured and even die while in that state.

“I just feel like although he has valid reasons for being upset, it’s not like I was intentionally dismissing his important day and feelings. I was still trying to figure out what was wrong between us and wanted to work things through. But it feels like it’s all my fault“- indeed, you were not intentionally dismissing his important day and his feelings, but in practice, you did.

Sunny, I was in the wrong many times, and felt very guilty for it. it took me a long time to resolve that guilt by becoming aware when my words and actions were indeed wrong, and changing the ways I talk/ type and interact with people. It takes enduring valid guilt and changing behaviors that need to be changed.

In regard to other members’ replies in your thread: I think that learning Non Violent Communication (NVC)is an excellent advice. It’s about resolving disagreements through compassion. You can research the topic online. Focusing on positives during disagreements is also excellent advice (it’s part of NVC). Just talk. No yelling, is another excellent advice, again, in line with NVC.

You asked in your original post, “Is there any advice you can give?“- I will be glad to address this question further after you respond to this post, if you choose to, when you do.

anita

Correction: you will feel better!