Dear Stacy:

You are welcome! “I can see that I have him placed way above me in my head…  But, it still feels like a huge loss as well because I’ve never been so passionate about someone and have that same passion reciprocated for me”-

– I understand and I agree, no doubt at all, that indeed it feels to you  like a huge loss. What I am saying is that objectively, it is not a loss: you lived in  a dysfunctional home before you met him, while you dated him, and after the breakup. You worked in the same underpaying jobs before, during and after the relationship; car braking down before, during and after, etc.

If because of him being in your life, your objective circumstances changed for the better (let’s say you moved in with him to a place and an area that you couldn’t afford alone, and that made it possible for you to get adequate sleep at nights, and find a better-paying job, etc.), and then, because of the breakup, your objective circumstances deteriorated (you had to move back home with your family, couldn’t get enough sleep, lost the better paying job, etc.), then the breakup would have been a huge loss objectively.

“There were two instances early on into our relationship about possible hurdles for us and he genuinely was worried about me dumping him over them. We talked them out and I know he cared a lot, I saw it and felt it through his actions“- what actions?

“So you think he never wanted long-term commitment with anyone anyway, at least not for now?“- you shared that (1) You met him when he was 30-years-old, and that (in 12 years of being an adult/ about 15 years of dating-age), he never had a relationship, let alone a long-term committed relationship (“He has never had a real relationship… all his others were failed situationships and hookups“). This is not promising when you think about it.

(2) The 1-year only relationship with him was long-distance, you didn’t meet often, you weren’t satisfied with the frequency of the communication in between meetings.. again, not promising.

(3) All through the relationship, he lived with his parents because he couldn’t afford a place of his own (“we are both stuck living back home with family in bad financial positions“), and he spent a lot of time- not looking for a better-paying job- but on gaming and liking photos online.. again, not promising.

“As you’ve said, maybe he thought he wanted something but his actions couldn’t match his words when truly tested over time. I have to accept that he’s not doing anything about it now”-  he said wonderful-sounding things while living the same kind of life- objectively- that he lived before he met you. And those circumstances did not involve you except for approximately 5 days per month, 60 days total (“we only were able to meet about 1-2 (sometimes 3) times per month and always spent about 2 days together each time“).

“I cried tonight because I saw a video of a girl talking about how when you mourn the loss of a relationship…  you are mourning YOURSELF and who you were before it ended, and how you will never get that version of yourself back again”- good: don’t get any version of yourself back. Instead, go back to being the true, authentic person you were in the very beginning of your life.

“To feel like I had ANY part in messing up what was meant for me/us just really is hard to shake off”- meant by whom?

“I really, really hope you are right when you say that my issues alone weren’t enough for him to tip the boat and leave“- as I see it, there was no boat: he was living on his island, with his family of origin; you were living on another island with your family-of-origin, and the two of you met of a ferry 2-3 times per month for a year.

His past (no relationship experience at all at 30-years-old), his life-situation (inadequately paying job- if he had a job at all, I don’t remember now, and living with his parents) and personality/ the way he spent his time (gaming, lots of time online) were not and are not promising at all when it comes to a long-term committed relationship that would be of real, objective benefit to any romantic partner in great need for objectively better life circumstances (unless his parents were to financially support their son and his partner), and these pre-existed him ever meeting you and have NOTHING to do with you.

I am not saying that you should date a man for his or his parents’ money. I am saying that as you consider a romantic relationship, improving your objective life circumstances- and being honest and upfront about it- should be a necessary part of your consideration: the man doesn’t have to be rich; paying half the rent in a place where you can sleep t night.. would be a great improvement.

Back to becoming the true and authentic person that you were born to be: free from unnecessary constraints, shame, guilt.. that is something to look forward to, isn’t it?

anita

Dear Gavin:

You are welcome.

“I am supposed to be a fairly bright and rational man“- we are animals after all, mammals, and therefore.. we are primarily- not rational beings- but emotional beings. When strong emotions are in the way, the rational factor goes down the tubes.

This is why I suggested to you, in my last post, that you express your strong emotions with an attitude of empathy for yourself, so to lessen their intensity and control over your life.

“I miss her deeply but my stupidity and short sightedness of the future took her from me”- it is very sad, Gavin, that stupidity and short sightedness of the future is the Rule in our very troubled world, as it is now, not the Exception, and the results are devastating on a mass scale.

“Now she has a new life and I am in utter misery and will be for the foreseeable future… It hurts so much. It really hurts”-

– I am sorry that you are hurting, and that you are hurting so much. You feel no hope for the foreseeable future in context of a relationship with her, but if you discover new hope in a different context,  a new meaning, you will have a new life yourself, and you will feel better than you have in the longest time.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

So far in your thread I focused on you, your childhood and how your past childhood experience affects your current relationship with N. You described N so positively that I didn’t think of looking at him, his childhood etc., until I read yesterday: “when I try to express to him why I reacted a certain way, what the trauma behind it was, he will call these excuses which just lead to feeling further unseen and invalidated” (Oct 18).

And so, I went back to your first thread and read through your posts on both threads. In your 4th sentence, original post, July 29, 2023, you wrote: “he was late for the first date, but I didn’t mind.. since it’s not like he knew who he was being late for, lol, my logic anyway”.

Fast forward in the relationship.. it’s still not like he knows who he was- and still is- late for.

Back to your original post: “our third date he accidentally stood me up”- you excused him being late as an accident, but it was not an accident: “Him being late to dates is a common argument we have… he is late which.. at least once every two weeks or so, if not more“.

“To him he is on time 80% of the time and I should accept that, but that’s way easier said than done, I cant just turn off the trigger or I would. But he thinks I should just be mentally stronger, like he seems to be“-

– his version of mental strength is what I call the Teflon Mind (TM) : Teflon causes nothing to STICK to cookware. The Teflon Mind doesn’t allow anything to stick to it, anything that may be distressing to consider, that is.

This is the difference between the two of you: you let things in, you let them stick enough to analyze them, so to understand better.

“My partner is supportive of me seeking therapy but does not believe in it… I have tried many times to tell him the benefits of therapy… so you can understand yourself. But he will not go to couples therapy with me”- the TM does not want to understand itself; any opportunity to understand (himself or you)- if it feels distressing to him- will slide off him like oil slides off Teflon.

“I am not sure he sees what makes me special as opposed to another girl who’s pretty, good awareness, and fun… He doesn’t tell me how he feels about me, and when I ask him he says superficial things…  I want him to tell me he loves things about me that make me ME… I want to explode and just be like “DO YOU SEE ME like do you actually see my spirit and soul over here exposed to you and walking in the world”-

– your father didn’t see you and (not or) your boyfriend doesn’t see you, not beyond the superficial, like you suspect. Your feeling UNSEEN has its roots in childhood (as is true to many people) but it is also happening presently in your relationship. I don’t think that it’s anything personal:  the TM does not allow seeing beyond the surface when it comes to emotions and mental health.

“When I try to talk about trauma with him I am not always comfortable to do so, because he doesn’t relate“- he doesn’t relate to what slides off him like oil off  Teflon.

“.. and if it follows an argument and I am explaining why something is a trigger, he calls my response ‘excuses’ and that is the most invalidating thing, but also makes me wonder if they are just excuses“-

– an excuse means an “attempt to lessen the blame attaching to (a fault or offense)” (online dictionary): so he is saying that you telling him about what triggers you is an offense against him, or a fault in who you are.

“after me sharing my trigger response after the ticking he asked me ‘why don’t I have triggers like you do, do I have no trauma?’“- he is blaming you for having triggers, stating that he has trauma too, but he has no triggers (being that they slide off, I say), so there is something wrong (faulty, blameworthy) about you, is the message, isn’t it?

“I get this feeling of unfamiliarity often, when alcohol or marijuana is involved it does prolong the feeling and make me feel more trapped but I have the same feeling completely sober as well. This feeling of disconnect that feels like an awkward unfamiliarity and I am the only one who notices it.”- this IS the experience of living with a TM.. unless you are equally a TM yourself. and therefore comfortable with unfamiliarity.. having adjusted well to being UNSEEN

“There were several times while I lived with him that I would be having a trigger response that lead to a panic attack and I would go into our big closet with the lights off and sit on the ground, this helps me to calm down. He would come in and sit next to me. He also has pulled me out of a panic attack by whispering in my ear ‘be nice to my girl,’ directly communicating with the voice in my head telling me I was unseen and uncared for”- this is nice on his part, he can be supportive at times… as long as your distress does not distress him.

“But lately he doesn’t grab me or hug me as much like that, and has said he feels he is always consoling me and sometimes does not have the patience to do so and instead feels falsely blamed for my pain”- in your shoes, hearing this, I would feel guilty about sharing with him anything that would make him feel badly.

“He told me his mom would do this and that she made him feel like a bad kid morally as he grew up”- I suppose he Teflon-ed her message that he was a bad kid, adjusting to her by developing a TM. It is not his fault to have adjusted to her this way, as well as to his father.

The title of this thread is: “Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships”- you fear being unseen and you really are unseen

The title of your first thread: “Please help me, my mind hasn’t rested in 8 months“. You ended the original post on that thread with: “thanks for reading and please anything can help me especially advice or someone in a similar boat” (July 29).

More than 2 months later, I am responding today: first, seems to me that everyone is traumatized to one extent of another, evident in our very troubled world. Second, we adjust differently to childhood emotional trauma: I was always into looking deeply into things, wanting to shed light into the darkness and SEE. I experienced positive excitement when I saw/ understood something that I didn’t see before. Therefore, I was motivated to do it again and again, to shed more and more light into the darkness and feel positively excited yet again. Other people growing up, when light was shed on a situation, they felt more distress than before.. they were negatively excited, so they turned off the lights, hence the Teflon Mind.

Some people want to talk about emotions and understand better; others don’t.. or can’t, it’s not something that they are able to endure. So, when growing up with a TM, or being in a relationship with one, you get to feel alone and disconnected in their presence.. you become inhibited and controlled around them, your mind can’t rest. You hold your breath.. and you get the chance to exhale and rest.. when they are not around.

anita

Dear Sarika:

“I fear that if I were to walk away and lose my job with no income source, I’d end up in a precarious situation“- can you plan first and then walk away, with a reasonable financial plan in hand, with enough cash and with a job ready elsewhere?

“And endure – I can live alone and stay emotionally stable“- then you can move far, far away from where you are now..?

anita

Dear Sarika:

About your father: “He.. eroded my self-confidence through constant insults and humiliation… manage my money… all while maintaining a demeaning tone he had used since I was ten years old… controlling behavior and constant belittlement”

About your new family: “a difficult mother-in-law and three overbearing sisters-in-law…  individuals similar to my father…  my mother-in-law has mirrored his behavior. Furthermore, my husband is unwilling to support me financially in matters related to IVF”

“I am now in need of a fresh perspective and guidance on how to navigate these challenges”-

– I can’t think of any other perspective than to set yourself FREE from all of then: to no longer pursue IVF, to take control over your money and move out of your marital home; to have no contact with your father or with the individuals in your new family.

I am using the word family loosely here: family is supposed to be a place of safety, support.. a place of love. If you leave your family, you leave behind not love, but subjugation.

“Don’t know what to do” is the title of your thread. Is leaving them all possible for you, is it practically possible and is it something that you want to do?

anita

Dear Cat:

You are welcome! I hope that your job situation, whichever it will be, work out well for you.

“In all honesty, in my mind I just have a view of Springfield town from the Simpsons and a view when they go into the woods!! And visualise a forest. You are a person of many mysteries!!“- it is a forest with many elk, deer, mountain lions, and more.. the mountain lions are scary, didn’t see one in-person yet.

“I made a decision recently to go ‘straight edge’ which means no drinking/ drugs etc. Not that I was doing any of that regularly at all but it’s just another way for me to stay focused on trying to achieve my goals“- wow! That’s impressive… in that Springfield town from the Simpsons that you mentioned.. everyone drinks, so it seems. And the price for it is often very high…

“It’s sad that your mum thought that… I’m guessing she was delusional? I think there was alot of delusion with my parents too, sadly“- delusional or angry (saying whatever with no regard to whether it’s true or not) or both.

“I have matured a lot..“- your maturity is evident!

“I didn’t feel like I had anyone to reach out to so I wanted to find somewhere where I knew there would be the right people who were kind and accepting who could look at my life objectively and give me a perspective that could help me – which you have done“- this is the nicest, kindest thing I read all day, thank you!

“I presumed that my thread was going to be similar to other people’s on here. Is this how you see all the people that you respond to?“- all unique, all valuable. What’s different about you than many is your strong personality: daring, courageous, in-your-face assertive (words that came quickly to my mind).. these makes you very memorable for life.

“Why did you think that I had lost respect for you? It’s difficult to keep up social communication on a forum..“- probably because you didn’t post for a long time.. and definitely because I am afraid of rejection, or being though of in negative terms.. like my mother thought about me, and rejecting me.

“Which YouTube video are you talking about?“- mostly the news, The News Hour is one program.

“Also, the other day I was going to watch a video about ‘4:44’..“- this made me smile (don’t know why.. oh yes, I do know, it reminded me of the talks we had about numbers early on, in the very beginning of your thread, and I felt nostalgic.

“The Ed situation was just, traumatizing if I’m honest. I haven’t seen someone be so…..unaware and broken in a very long time… he isn’t being a good person at the moment…His life is a mess and I got swept into it…  I have seen stories and videos and influencers online who are men who were addicts but CHOSE to get sober because they realised they had to get their life together and now they are fit, happy, healthy and devote their social media to sharing recovery stories………Rant over!”-

– that was a pleasurable Rant to read (didn’t feel like a rant to me). I guess seeing what drugs did to Ed contributed to your decision to go.. how do you call it (scrolling up)  straight edge.

“Hope you are well!“- better than some, not as good as others (always the correct answer/ response). I hope that.. you are better than most, not as good as some (the latter is the original saying). Again, a pleasure to read from you today. I understand that you are busy and about to get even busier, so I don’t expect this pleasure too often.. no pressure whatsoever on you to post. Take good straight-edge care of yourself!

anita

Dear Andromeda:

You are welcome, and thank you for having space in your heart at this time of bereavement to feel empathy for me.

“Today I sat with my sister – my Nephews mother –  I managed to put my own pain aside and tried to comfort her. I told her about my vision of the light, she asked me to describe it, but it was hard to put in to words; it was as though he was the centre and the light radiated from him, like the rays from a beautiful sunrise. She did take comfort in this”-

– reading and imagining your vision comforted me.

“My sister told me the last conversation that she had with her son, it was painful to hear. He was clearly distressed. He talked about growing up, how bad he had felt, not living with  his own family, etc.. he thanked my sister for all that she’d done for him, said he’d loved her. He also mentioned Diazepam”- 

– I took diazepam every day for 18 years before I finally, successfully withdrew from it. It is supposed to be prescribed on a short-term basis, I now understand (a few months at the most), because it is very addictive, but in my case it was prescribed for close to 2 decades. I wonder if he was taking it regularly at the time or was he withdrawing from it. The withdrawal from it was very, very difficult for me, almost impossible, because the anxiety while withdrawing was prolonged and more intense than the anxiety that led to me being prescribed with it to begin with.

He thanked her and said he loved her… heart breaking. I wish he was alive and well.

“It’s usually in the evenings when I go over what happened in my head, I am then overcome with a sense of terror, I’m trapped in a nightmare and I have panic attacks. I never knew that this type of pain and darkness existed – and I’ve suffered depressive episodes and Suicide thoughts, this is far worse. My whole family are devastated and that is also hard to witness.

“I want to be stronger to enable myself to help them. I am angry and ashamed with myself that I wasn’t stronger over these past few years. I could’ve made a difference. I have lost myself, withdrawn from people, suffer social anxiety. I thought I had nothing to give”-

-it is prolonged shame and anger at oneself that saps the strength out of a person, rendering one with nothing to give. I am guessing that this weakening of your strength by shame and anger-at-yourself started happening long ago, causing the depressive episodes and Suicide thoughts that you mentioned…?

No requirement that you answer this question, of course, or any question I ask. I know from my personal experience how much shame and anger at myself took out of me.. it was exhausting. As a teenager I used to lie down most of the time.. too weak or tired to do anything. Most of my life I thought I was lazy.. didn’t know I was exhausted by emotional misery (an exhausting mix of fear, guilt, shame, and anger).

anita

* You are welcome, Judy, looking forward to read from you again.