Dear Seaturtle (And Hatchng!):

Yes, it is a lot, but I am glad that you are considering and processing what I brought up. It will take some time.. I want to read and reply further to your recent posts Tues morning, when I am hopefully rested and focused!

anita

Dear Andromeda:

You are welcome.

“I am feeling like I might be going in to depression… I don’t want to become an added burden to my family and wish I was able to stay strong for them“- you know that you are strong, but it is all overwhelming and you are doubting your ability to stay strong. I am in a similar situation, feeling quite overwhelmed by how difficult life is to people I care for.

It feels like the boat is sinking and sometimes I want to give in and give up. But what if you and I, Andromeda, can help each other stay strong.. through our communication right here, on your thread..?

anita

Dear Zariah:

A walk on memory lane (quotes taken from your previous & current threads, the boldface feature is added by me):

May 2016: “When I was younger I had a lot of family issues, parents fighting, bullying, emotional and physical abuse…  I still sometimes put a lot of importance into other people (acquaintances, people I rarely know). Their thoughts and feelings towards me becomes a priority for me… How do you quiet down your crazy thoughts and be a little bit more content everyday?”

November 2016: “A while ago I had a mental breakdown of sorts…  I’m slowly putting things back together. For example, I’m mending a relationship with a parent and also discovering how to feel less alone in the world”.

July 2018: “My parents are emotionally abusive. After I got let go, I went to a friends house later that week and came back home later. My mom was furious about this and started saying things like ‘I deserve this'(I deserve not having a job)…. My father is manipulative and only talks to me when he wants me to do something for him. If I tell him I will not do it, he simply says other children are so much better and he has to deal with his kids. He has always been this way and was violent with my sisters and I when we were younger. I feel guilty saying this but I sincerely want him to move somewhere and never come back. It’s funny that I actually want my father to abandon me because that’s easier to deal with. They both hurt us emotionally and physically before this and I don’t have great memories from them. I just can’t remember the good times at all… how can I maintain positivity until I land a job when I’m in this environment?..  I’m unable to move out. I don’t seek their input, advice, share my problems, and I do minimize my interactions with them… I just want to find a better way to cope without feeling this depressed every time they get into a fight with me. It’s hard as it is but I would appreciate it if they didn’t actively try to break me down”.

June 2019: “Fast forward to now, I wanted to piece my life back together. I finally submitted an application to grad school and the anxiety of waiting to hear a response is absolutely sickening. The worse part is I compare myself at times to others“.

October 2023: “I (28F) am recently divorced, moved back in with my parents, my father is a classic overt narcissist but has calmed down with age (we don’t speak)…  I am pursuing a master’s degree…  I just can’t shake this feeling of being a failure, or that my work people will judge me or other people would (my mom and sister’s would definitely not judge me)”-

– My input today: “he (your father)  simply says other children are so much better”=>”I still sometimes put a lot of importance into other people (acquaintances, people I rarely know). Their thoughts and feelings towards me becomes a priority for me… I compare myself at times to others.. I just can’t shake this feeling of being a failure, or that my work people will judge me or other people would“-

Isn’t it amazing how powerful the words of a father are to a child? A child puts a lot of importance into what her father (and mother) says. The thoughts and feelings of her father (and mother) toward the child are the highest priority to the child.

When you were a child, he repeatedly compared you unfavorably to children of other parents=> As an adult, you repeatedly compare yourself unfavorably to other adults.

You currently don’t speak to your father (“we don’t speak”), but you are still “hearing” his words, words that compare you unfavorably to others, suggesting that you are a failure in comparison. Only you “hear” his words through other people, acquaintances, people you hardly know, people at your work, imagining that they are thinking what he has said to you.

It is very common to inaccurately project an abusive parent into other people.

As far as your current practical dilemma, you pointed out all the positives in postponing your graduation from Spring to Summer of next year, and your reasoning reads rational and wise to me. The problem is that you are still hearing your father’s words  and his words are still making you anxious.. even when he doesn’t currently say anything.

What do you think/ feel about my input today?

anita

Dear Ben:

“For example, we usually call at about the same time each day. Today he left the library and said ‘heading home’. I got prepared and then he said ‘Oh we’re going to the bar to have a drink’ with his classmates“- reads to me like going to the bar with his classmates was not significant to him, so he mentioned it as an afterthought, something that did not warrant overthinking or being careful about mentioning to you.

“One view of it was… No biggie“- this is how I see it, no biggie, not significant.

“The other view ‘Oh he knew we call at that time and yet he decided to go and have a drink? He doesn’t care about me. I am not his priority”-

– this view is the view of your inner child, the boy-part of you who is still hurt by your father not caring about you and not treating you like his priority. This view pre-existed you ever knowing that your boyfriend exists. It’s not about him; it’s about your early-life experience.

We adults have this inner-child part. When our childhood was emotionally traumatic and that trauma was not adequately healed, our inner child is still hurting, no matter how old we are. For the inner-child, there is no distinction between Past and Present. For him/ her, what happened is still happening in the context of adult life circumstances. We automatically project the parent that hurt us=> into a romantic partner (and into other people).

“Another week, he’d been studying with friends (it’s always on a Saturday my anxieties explode)”- I am guessing that Saturdays have been particularly difficult for you growing up, maybe because you were not distracted by going to school..?

“But then I use that in my head to create the idea that he doesn’t really love me he’s just saying it cos it feels good or something. Even though… he calls all the time etc.“- you reacted not to him.. but to your father whom you projected into him. Your inner-child is still hurting over he (your father) doesn’t really love you.

It will be very beneficial for you to attend to Ben-the-boy: he needs your empathetic attention.

anita

Dear Pandanator:

“I do tend to be a chronic overthinker and an anxious-attachment person… getting caught up in that thought tornado as it is not a good thing“- can’t find physical stability in a tornado; can’t find cognitive stability (clarity) in a thought-tornado.

“Part of me believes that I was the toxic person…  Part of me blames myself… maybe I ended up overcommunicating and being negative… Maybe I was not assertive enough for him… I was always afraid to argue with him as he couldn’t seem to handle it and would just shut down. It felt like I had to walk on eggshells if I wanted to get a point across“-

-I am sure that you were not Perfect in the relationship, that you didn’t always say/ do the right thing at the right time, and neither did he. No one is Perfect and Everyone has issues. And so, like in every romantic relationship,  there are issues you brought to the relationship, and issues he brought to the relationship. And then, complicated further, the mix of his pre-existing issues and your pre-existing issues created new issues particular to the relationship.

Within this confusing mix of issues there are the issues you mentioned in the quote above: self-blame, lack of assertiveness, overcommunicating, walking on eggshells.

* You wrote that you were always afraid to argue with him: can you give me an example of a situation in the relationship where you felt the need to argue with him (and by argue, what do you mean)?

You mentioned thought tornado (“getting caught up in that thought tornado“). The center of a physical tornado, aka the eye of the tornado, is calm. It seems to me that in the eye of your thought-tornado, there is a girl who while growing up was innocent, loving and eager to please. But then (leaving that calm center), this innocent girl blamed herself for things she was not at all guilty of…?

anita

Dear Robyn: I will be back to your thread and reply further in abut 14 hours.

anita

Dear Pandanator:

No problem at all with you replying.. whenever you reply, good to read back from you.  I will be back to your thread Sun morning, in about 14 hours and reply further.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I am back sooner than I anticipated but I am okay with you either not reading or not responding to this post until next week, or whenever you choose.

Before I read and reply to your last post, I want to offer you my best understanding at this time, starting with the concept of the inner child and how it applies to you: part of you does not know the difference between Past and Present; for this part what was still is. This is your inner child.. your inner hatchling (baby sea turtle), so to speak… Hatch, for short. The other part of you is the adult you for whom there is Past and Present.

Hatch needed and still (there is no distinction for her between past and present), she needs to be seen and to be treated with kindness. Unfortunately for her, she was unseen and emotionally harassed by her father. The adult part of you thinks that it is something that happened, but for Hatch, it is still happening.

When you take Hatch with you to meet your father (recently for that hour visit during his golf tournament), she doesn’t want to go because she’s scared of him and/ or she is angry with him, but you take her anyway, and you tell her to be nice and that there is nothing to worry about. So, she goes with you quietly, holding her feelings in, and makes it possible for you to have a nice visit with him.

The visit is over, you take Hatch home and- no longer instructed to be nice and hold her feelings in- she let’s them out, aka she gets triggered in the company of your boyfriend and other people. The adult part of you thinks that her fear and/ or anger and other distress is about your boyfriend and the other people, but Hatch’s fear and anger, her distress, is about your father.

The price you pay for having a nice adult relationship with your father is .. UNSEEING Hatch.

To heal as much as is possible for you, you have to SEE Hatch and to do what’s in her best interest.

* I want to submit this and then start a new post with the continuation of this theme as I re-read your past posts.

anita