Dear Substantial:

Thank you for sharing more about your experiences. It’s clear that this relationship is bringing up significant anxiety and feelings of unmet needs for you. It’s good that you’ve communicated your needs to her in regard to your love language. Let’s she how she responds, if she does.

“I also want to say that having a bad childhood is not the only reason I am unhappy in the relationship, although your comment does seem to imply that. I think it is essential to consider how my girlfriend has been showing up in the relationship, too, which I find less than satisfactory”-

– I understand that having a difficult childhood is not the only factor contributing to your unhappiness in the relationship with your girlfriend. It’s important to consider both your childhood experiences and how your girlfriend is showing up in the relationship.

I want to emphasize that both aspects can be true simultaneously: your unmet needs from childhood affecting your expectations and experiences in the relationship, and at the same time, your girlfriend’s behavior being less than satisfactory and contributing to your unhappiness.

Today you shared about your father’s alcoholism and abusive behavior. Your mother endured a lot of emotional abuse and sometimes physical abuse, which you witnessed. This situation caused you (and would cause any child) to feel helpless and anxious on an ongoing basis.

To help your situation- in which you found yourself through no fault of your own- and reduce your consequent anxiety, you took on the parentified role of protecting your mother, taking on responsibilities that a child is not equipped to take, neither mentally nor emotionally.

While the aim in taking on adult’s responsibilities is to lower tension in the home and consequently, lower the child’s anxiety, the responsibility of continuously managing and mitigating household tension leads to increased anxiety on the part of the child because the child is continuously vigilant and prepared for the next conflict or outburst. This state of hyper-awareness keeps the child on edge, unable to relax.

While your parentified actions may have temporarily reduced immediate tension in the home, the long-term emotional burden of parentification increased your anxiety. The constant vigilance, overwhelming responsibility, and unresolved trauma of witnessing a lot of abuse contributed to your heightened anxiety, even as you tried to create a safer environment for your mother.

Also, while some of your mother’s intentions were for your well-being, her inability to accept your “NO” and passive forcefulness into things she deemed right might have led you to feel her love was conditional, at least at times.

Currently, as an adult, you choose to live with your parents. The dynamics and tensions in the home improved, but are still there, and you continue to protect and support your mother. Living with parents is common in your country, but your reasons are deeply tied to the emotional and physical safety of your mother.

You wrote today in regard to your current anxiety in the context of living with your parents: “While my anxiety has gotten significantly less regarding these family matters, it’s not entirely gone”. A few days ago, you wrote this in regard to your anxiety in the context of your relationship with your girlfriend: “I wake up every morning extremely anxious, and it’s been ruining my sleep”. Actually, the title of your thread includes the words “Relationship Anxiety”, referring to your relationship with your girlfriend-

– it is quite common for anxiety to shift from one context to another, especially when it has its roots in early life experiences and unresolved emotional issues. The anxiety rooted in early life experiences, such as living in an abusive or unstable household, can become ingrained in a person’s emotional and psychological makeup. If these issues are not adequately addressed and healed, they can resurface in different contexts, such as romantic relationships. When faced with similar emotional triggers in a new context, such as a romantic relationship, the old anxiety resurfaces.

Based on your description of your girlfriend, she does exhibit self-centered and selfish behaviors, at least to some extent.

This is the very beginning of your original post: “I find my gf too self-centered. I don’t know how to feel about that. It seems as if she hesitates to go out of her way to do anything for me or will choose the most convenient path to please or be there for me. On the other hand, I find myself making compromises a lot to be there for her or to please her. So much so that I am completely losing myself in this relationship”-

– integrating this quote with what you shared in your 2nd post, it seems like the dynamics of your romantic relationship are mirroring the dynamics you have experienced in your relationship with your mother. This pattern can be a trigger and lead to similar feelings of anxiety, self-sacrifice, and emotional neglect.

* It’s important to recognize that people can exhibit complex and sometimes contradictory behaviors. An abused wife, like your mother, can still display self-centered or selfish behaviors, even if she is also a victim of abuse: (1) she chose to stay in an abusive relationship partly due to her fear of societal judgment and the stigma of divorce. This decision, while understandable, prioritized her fears over her son’s need for a safer and more stable environment. (2) Her emotional and financial dependence on her husband, despite his abusive behavior, might have led her to prioritize her need for his presence over her son’s well-being. (3) She struggles to accept her son’s/ your “NO” and would passively force you into things she thought were right for you and her. This behavior suggests a lack of consideration for your autonomy and preferences. By not respecting your boundaries and pushing you into actions she deemed appropriate, she exerted control over you, prioritizing her desires over your independence. (4) By not seeking external help or considering separation, she indirectly forced you to bear the emotional weight of the family’s dysfunction, prioritizing her comfort over your emotional health.

In summary: while your mother was undoubtedly a victim of abuse and faced significant challenges, her actions and decisions also exhibited self-centeredness and selfishness as she prioritized her own needs and fears, often at the expense of considering your need for safety and emotional well-being. Similarly, your girlfriend is self-centered, hesitating to go out of her way to support you and often choosing the most convenient path for herself.

As a child and onward, you felt compelled to prioritize your mother’s needs, trying to protect her and manage the household tension. As an adult, in your romantic relationship, you find yourself making numerous compromises to please your girlfriend, to the point of losing yourself in the relationship.

The self-centered behavior of your girlfriend likely triggers similar emotions and anxieties that you experienced in your childhood with your mother.

People often unconsciously seek out relationships that mirror their early experiences, even if those experiences were negative. This repetition compulsion happens because these patterns feel familiar, even if they are harmful. Recognizing that these patterns exist is a crucial first step. Understanding that your romantic relationship is triggering similar dynamics to those you experienced with your mother can provide valuable insight.

Remember, you deserve a relationship where both partners feel loved, supported, and respected. I’m here for you if you want to talk more about this.

anita

Dear Psychicramdey:

You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation! I’m glad that my response resonated with you and that it sparked meaningful reflection. Understanding ourselves and embracing growth are indeed vital themes, and I’m always eager to explore them further.

I find this sentence in the original post most inspiring: “in you lies the potential of everything you may ever learn and what you choose to do with it, and in you lies all the emotion you are capable of”- every individual has the innate potential to learn and grow. What we choose to do with our potential is up to us.

Within each person lies the full range of emotional capacity. We are capable of experiencing a wide spectrum of emotions, from joy to sorrow, bliss to anxiety.

Recognizing and acknowledging this potential and capacity within ourselves empowers us to embrace our ability to navigate life’s challenges, that is: to effectively handle and overcoming the various difficulties, obstacles, and uncertainties that arise throughout life.

By acknowledging our potential, we can take control of our personal development and emotional well-being. This empowers us to make conscious choices that align with our values and aspirations. Our potential for learning and emotional experience is dynamic: as we grow and change, so do our capacities. This continuous evolution is a fundamental aspect of our humanity.

I’m excited about the prospect of diving deeper into these topics with you, Psychicramdev. Let’s continue our conversation and see where it leads. Feel free to share more of your thoughts, experiences, or questions—I’m here and ready to engage.

Looking forward to our continued dialogue!

anita

Dear Jana:

You are always welcome, AND Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for your kind words. I understand that there’s a lot to process, and I appreciate your openness to discussing this further.

When I suggested retelling your memories with a more compassionate view, I didn’t mean to minimize or change the reality of what you went through. Your experiences were real, and it’s important to honor and acknowledge them fully. What I meant was to approach your narrative with self-compassion, giving yourself the kindness and understanding that you deserve.

Here’s an example: Instead of thinking, ‘I let this happen to me,’ you could consider, ‘I did the best I could in a very difficult and chaotic environment.’ This isn’t about changing the facts but rather changing the perspective from one of self-blame to one of self-compassion.

It’s about recognizing that you were a child navigating difficult circumstances and that it’s okay to show yourself the same empathy you would show a friend in a similar situation. This can help reduce the harshness of the inner critic and promote a more supportive inner dialogue.

If you’re comfortable, you might try writing about a specific memory and then gently reframe it with self-compassion. For example, ‘I felt powerless and scared, but I showed strength and resilience by getting through it.’

It’s a delicate process, and it’s okay to take it one step at a time. The goal is not to suppress your feelings but to create a more balanced and compassionate narrative that acknowledges both the pain and your resilience.

If you have any questions or want to talk more about this, I’m here for you.

anita

Dear Devin:

It sounds like you put a lot of effort and heart into your relationships, which shows how deeply you care for those you love. It’s natural to want that same level of care and effort in return. Feeling like you’re giving more than you’re receiving can be really tough and disheartening.

Relationships are about balance and mutual respect. It’s important to feel valued and appreciated for what you bring to the table. If you’re consistently feeling like the other person isn’t meeting you halfway, it might be worth having a conversation with them about how you’re feeling. Sometimes, people might not realize the impact of their actions, and a heart-to-heart talk can help bridge that gap.

Additionally, it’s important to remember that your worth isn’t determined by how much you give in a relationship. You deserve to be loved and cared for. It’s okay to set boundaries and express your needs. Being a “needy freak” isn’t a bad thing—it’s a sign that you know what you need to feel secure and happy in a relationship.

Taking some time to reflect on what you want and need in a relationship can help you find balance and ensure that your efforts are reciprocated. You deserve a partner who appreciates and values you for who you are.

If you ever need someone to talk to or just want to share your thoughts, I’m here for you.

anita

I hope to read from you again, Bella.

anita

Dear Jana:

* I am adding this note after concluding this post to let you know that I understand that this is a long post with lots in it and I understand that you may not read it all at one time, and that it may take you a long time to process it.

“it’s so sad that people feel bad, guilty and ashamed of their pain… if it weren’t for that, many of us would have a better chance of healing.”-

– Pain is an inevitable part of life, but it’s not just the pain itself that affects people, but also negative emotions tied to it—feelings of guilt and shame. These emotions are a barrier to healing, leading to additional emotional distress to the person already in pain.

Some societal expectations cause individuals to judge themselves harshly for their pain, particularly emotional pain. Many societies value strength, resilience, and the ability to endure hardships without complaint. This can lead individuals to feel that showing pain or vulnerability is a failure to live up to these ideals.

Mental health issues are often stigmatized, leading individuals to feel ashamed of their struggles. Phrases like “just get over it” or “others have it worse” minimize the sufferer’s pain and discourage the sufferer from seeking help. These societal expectations create an environment where experiencing pain, especially emotional or mental pain, is seen as a sign of weakness or inadequacy.

Feeling ashamed or guilty cause individuals to withdraw from others, not seeking support and understanding from others.

By recognizing and challenging these societal expectations, we can create a more compassionate and supportive environment that encourages individuals to openly acknowledge and address their pain. This, in turn, can facilitate the healing process.

“There are two typical excuses in my head. I am already an adult (1), and some people had it much worse”-

– Let’s look at the widely used societal message “others have it worse” (“some people had it much worse”, in your words). This phrase is often used to provide perspective during challenging times. It aims to encourage gratitude and a sense of perspective by recognizing that one’s problems may not be as severe as those faced by others. However, it can be used appropriately (where it’s encouraging and helpful) or inappropriately (where it’s discouraging and harmful).

An example of appropriate use: a friend is feeling overwhelmed by a series of minor problems at work and is expressing frustration. You say to the friend: “I know you’re going through a tough time right now, but try to remember that others have it worse. It doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid, but sometimes it helps to put things into perspective. You’ve handled challenges before, and you’ll get through this too”- this response is appropriate because it acknowledges the friend’s feelings and validates them, then gently introduces the idea of perspective to help the friend feel less overwhelmed, and it provides reassurance that the friend has the strength to overcome their current difficulties (it is a validating, empathetic, positive and gentle response).

An example of inappropriate use: someone is sharing their deep feelings of grief after losing a loved one. You then say to the person: “You think you have it bad? Others have it worse. You should just get over it’- this response is inappropriate because it dismisses the person’s feelings and invalidates their grief. It shows a lack of empathy and understanding for the person’s pain, and it can exacerbate feelings of isolation and make the person feel worse. (It is an invalidating, unempathetic, negative and harsh response).

You wrote yesterday: “on my emotional level, I still tend to blame myself and deny anyone else’s role in this. (the brain says: ‘You let this happen to you. Get over it and stop whining.’)”- The societal messages you heard growing up and onward created and reinforced an invalidating, unempathetic, negative and harsh inner critic who minimizes and invalidates your feelings, leading to self-blame and guilt.

“I was attacked by many people many times… physically, verbally… many different people… for long time since my memory actually remembers. .. it was ‘normal’ that someone just walking by felt like beating or bullying someone and I happened to be there. I found myself on the receiving end of a good deal of teasing, as well… about my appearance, my social phobia, my bad results at school… Now, when I am thinking about it I realize how unhappy my generation was. I remember so many neglected children… And the fights between boys were so intense and cruel… and adults in general… so ignorant, careless… emotionless, strict and rigid… I just don’t understand what happened in our society in Czechia that it produced so sick people in the 90s… that amount of frustration, violence, neglect… later in the early 2000s I remember neo-Nazis roaming around… antifa, punks, gypsies… and the clashes between them… I regularly met men being beaten, with bruises and bumps on faces… It was hard for me. I don’t like seeing people beaten or in pain… There was an ever-present sense of violence…”-

– The collapse of communism in 1989 led to significant economic and political changes in Czechia. The transition from a centrally planned economy to a market-oriented one brought about social and economic upheaval, social dislocation, frustration, and a sense of instability. The early 2000s saw the rise of neo-Nazi groups, such as the Workers’ Party, which was eventually banned for its extremist ideology. These groups often targeted minorities and contributed to the climate of violence and fear. The presence of antifa (anti-fascist) groups and punks led to frequent clashes with neo-Nazis and other extremist groups, further exacerbating the sense of violence. The Romani people in Czechia have faced long-standing marginalization and discrimination. The tensions between the Romani community and the majority population often resulted in conflicts and violence.

Generally, during major societal transitions, old power structures collapse, leading to power vacuums. Competing groups or individuals often struggle to fill these voids, resulting in conflict and violence. Major transitions also disrupt economies, leading to unemployment, inflation, and scarcity of resources. Economic hardship often fuels social unrest and violence.

Major societal transitions exacerbate existing social inequalities, leading marginalized groups to demand rights and recognition. These demands can lead to conflicts with those who want to maintain the status quo. Historical grievances and resentments resurface during transitions, leading to agitation and potential violence.

During major transitions, institutions may be weak or in flux, leading to a lack of effective governance and law enforcement. This lack can lead to increased crime and violence. The breakdown or absence of the rule of law can lead to a rise in vigilante justice and extrajudicial actions.

Back to what you posted today: “the brain says: ‘You let this happen to you. Get over it and stop whining'”-

– Internalizing blame can be a way to exert some sense of control over uncontrollable and chaotic circumstances (Czechia in the 1990s and 2000s, a period of social transition, agitation and violence). In situations involving violence and neglect, it’s hard to accept how random and unfair the events truly are. Blaming oneself helps create a story that makes the events feel less random and makes a person feel in some control because it suggests that one’s actions caused the situation and that by changing one’s behavior, one can prevent them from happening again.

Blaming oneself in this context creates an illusion of control. By internalizing blame, a person tries to avoid the distressing powerlessness that accompany random acts of violence, and maintain a sense of agency (feeling that one has some control), even if it is illusory.

Growing up in a culture where violence and neglect are normalized leads individuals to see these behaviors as ordinary, rather than exceptional and unjust. Over time, individuals internalize the belief that violence and neglect are simply how life works. This internalization makes it difficult to recognize these behaviors as wrong or unjust, and instead, a person internalizes the belief that one was somehow responsible for what happened.

In summary: internalizing blame can provide a sense of control and predictability in an otherwise chaotic and unpredictable environment. While this coping mechanism might have helped you survive difficult circumstances, it also perpetuates self-blame and inhibits self-compassion. Recognizing this pattern can be a crucial step towards healing and developing a healthier, more compassionate self-narrative.

Here’s an idea, Jana: what if you type out, as an exercise, a healthier, more compassionate narrative of your experience in the chaotic and unpredictable environments you grew up in?

anita

How are you, Dafne?

anita