Category: Blog

  • How to Sustain Happiness

    How to Sustain Happiness

    “If you let go a little, you will have a little happiness. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of happiness. And if you let go completely, you will be completely happy.”  ~Ajahn Chah

    After accomplishing three lists of tasks from three different buckets—professional, personal, and entrepreneurial—I felt accomplished and content.

    And then I felt bored. And then a little irritated. So, I decided to explore and check in with myself:

    I practice gratitude throughout my day. I acknowledge the abundance in my life. I am surrounded by genuine love and relationships.

    I have every reason to not wander away from happiness so easily, but I do. Why?

    Perhaps you have experienced something similar: a moment of complete happiness, bliss, peace, and then it dissipates without notice.

    I began by writing a series of questions in my journal to explore what was going on inside:

    Is it because I can’t focus that I experience a deflation in my mood?  Do I become bored too easily?  Or maybe I have lack of patience that often leads to dissatisfaction?

    Several pages later, I arrived at:

    I can focus; but I am impatient, so I involve myself in multiple projects and events to even out the pace.  When one project or event ends, I fully dive into the next to prevent boredom. During this gap of engagement, my mood shifts.

    Further, I found comfort in moving around, connecting, accomplishing, engaging, clinging.

    Clinging

    This last word, clinging, reached out from the journal page and grabbed my attention.

    After pages of self-inquiry and hours spent peeling back layers, I realized: my mood dip, this occasional creeping feeling of dissatisfaction did not result from anything I mentioned above.

    Instead—this perceived lack of focus, the boredom, the impatience—were byproducts of my constant clinging. I was clinging to accomplishment, the next stimulating thing, the next anything in the future.I suspect that many of us, at some point in our day, can find ourselves clinging: (more…)

  • How to Deal with a Break Up

    How to Deal with a Break Up

    “No feeling is final.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke

    I met him the last semester of college and was instantly attracted to him.  I was definitely attracted to him physically, but it was the way he sat in class with such quiet confidence and mystery that made me long to know him.

    I practically drooled all over my desk whenever he spoke, but couldn’t even bring myself to say, “Hello.”  One night out, I saw him standing by the bar. I told my friend that I had a crush on him and she promptly gave me two choices: Go speak to him or, she would embarrass me. Needless to say, I chose the first option.

    I don’t remember what was said when I approached him, and in the grand scheme of things I guess it’s irrelevant. We spent the entire evening together. He taught me how to tie a tie, he told me about his closeted love for Vanilla Ice, and we shared the most romantic evening I had ever experienced.

    His affinity for Vanilla Ice notwithstanding, I fell in love with him that night.

    We graduated only a few short months later and moved away from each other, but maintained a friendship over the years. We got together whenever time and space would allow.

    Recently, I took a chance and revealed that I had romantic feelings for him. In a fairy tale-like manner, he flew across the country, and we made the decision to start dating. Everything was great—until it wasn’t, and we broke up.

    Although the decision to end the relationship had been mutual, over the following months, I cycled through many feelings and emotions. One day I would tell my friends that I was “so over him,” and the next day I’d find myself flat on my back, sobbing uncontrollably, wondering where we went wrong.

    Even today, I can’t say that I have fully gotten over the relationship, but there are a few things that have been helpful to me in the process. (more…)

  • 4 Simple Mantras to Help You Stay Positive and Happy

    4 Simple Mantras to Help You Stay Positive and Happy

    “The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your own arm.” ~Swedish Proverb

    Mantra, according to the dictionary:

    Any sacred word or syllable used as an object of concentration and embodying some aspect of spiritual power.

    Mantra, according to Sirena:

    Things I say to myself to help me deal.

    There are times we all go through that just straight up suck.

    During these times, it can be hard to think about anything other than what’s going on. We can become so consumed in our own misery that we often overshadow any glimmer of hope.

    And although these times can seem endless while we’re in them, it’s through these crappy times that we learn the most about ourselves and receive some of life’s greatest rewards.

    I can only say this after going through some of my own crappy times. You know, experiencing little things like breaking up from an engagement, being unemployed, questioning my sexuality, severing several friendships, wiping through my entire savings, and accumulating way too much debt.

    All within the same year.

    Yikes.

    Through my own experiences of hopelessness, confusion, and doubt, I’ve learned to establish a few simple, but very effective phrases to help me stay positive and to keep things in perspective.

    So now, whenever things cross my path that may initially seem unbearable, or if I begin to doubt myself, I just remember and repeat some of the following mantras: (more…)

  • How to Set Healthy Boundaries: 3 Crucial First Steps

    How to Set Healthy Boundaries: 3 Crucial First Steps

    “You change for two reasons: Either you learn enough that you want to, or you’ve been hurt enough that you have to.” ~Unknown

    I learned about boundary work when I was teaching in the NYC jails with male prisoners.

    After driving onto a maximum security island of electric, clanging gates, I encountered metal detectors, hallways filled with yelling, chaotic inmates, and tension and anxiety in the air that was almost tangible.

    I started my workday tensed up and ended it drained, exhausted, and overwhelmed.

    In other areas of my life, the same thing was happening. In my personal relationships, I couldn’t find the edges where I ended and others began. I sometimes felt powerless, unsure of who I was in relationships, and unheard. I wasn’t sure how to change my life, but I knew that I had to.

    Because I didn’t set healthy personal boundaries, I was exhausted, I couldn’t focus, and I felt consumed by drama around me, in both my personal and professional lives. As I result, I dealt with a lot of conflict, failed to take care of myself, and generally disliked my work.

    Since I knew I loved my work, I took some time to reflect on why my job wasn’t working for me. I then decided to try some experimenting.

    I started doing a little boundary and grounding work each morning before I even entered each facility. At the end of each day, before I went home to my baby, I did a short releasing meditation in my car. (more…)

  • Being Kind When It’s Seen as a Weakness

    Being Kind When It’s Seen as a Weakness

    “The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” ~Samuel Johnson

    When I worked in the corporate world, I didn’t focus on a race to the top. I enjoyed the day-to-day work of running a product line, finding opportunities for new markets, and helping managers in other countries launch similar lines tailored to their markets.

    My approach was to be ethical in all aspects of the work, to have concern for the people I was working with to achieve results, and to share the credit appropriately. This was not the latest “management style,” nor was it proven.

    The most senior managers saw the bottom line increase and gave me more responsibility and a promotion, while immediate supervisors discredited me since I was not like them.

    A transfer to Asia fortunately took me out of the quagmire of home office politics. I felt the freedom to continue managing in a way that was natural to me: to encourage my teams with kindness, cooperation, and credit while we increased market share and the bottom line.

    My staff felt safe and enjoyed their work. The division prospered.

    However, my immediate superior didn’t value my approach. He viewed it as a sign of weakness that I was caring and thoughtful, and that I cooperated and shared with each colleague. (more…)

  • 10 Ways to Love the People in Your Life

    10 Ways to Love the People in Your Life

    Friends hugging

    “At the end of life, our questions are very simple: Did I live fully? Did I love well?” ~Jack Kornfield

    We all grow up with some healthy stories about love and some unhealthy ones. I learned some beautiful, life-giving ideas about love, ideas like these:

    • Loving people means believing in their potential.
    • Love means treating people with kindness and gentleness.
    • Loving the people in your life means celebrating their successes and cheering them on.

    But I also grew up with some stories about love that I came to see weren’t so helpful. Those ideas about love bred problems in my relationships.

    One of those stories was: Loving someone means always being available to them. (Turns out, it’s not true, and living as if it is breeds resentment.)

    Another was: Loving someone means always having space for what they want to talk to you about. (Turns out, not true either!)

    Another myth about love: If you love someone, you do what they are asking you to do, out of love, even if it feels difficult. (I can tell you, that doesn’t work so well.)

    I’ve developed my own guidelines for loving the people in my life, guidelines that express how I want to relate to the people around me.

    These are some of my guidelines for loving: (more…)

  • 5 Questions to Ask Yourself When You Aren’t Sure What You Want in Life

    5 Questions to Ask Yourself When You Aren’t Sure What You Want in Life

    “The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.” ~Tony Robbins

    There are times in life when we just don’t know what we want. These are the awkward in-between places where we feel uncertain and unsure, and perhaps even question our purpose.

    There was a pivotal time in my life, after I got my Counseling Psychology Masters degree and had a private practice, when I knew I did not want to be a therapist.

    I left counseling to help my husband start his fashion business, even though this was not an interest of mine. My true desire was to write and publish books, but at the time I wasn’t sure what I wanted to write about.

    A year later, while riding my bike on a beautiful sunny day, I tried to pop a wheelie over a curb and fell, hitting the back of my head on a car bumper and then the road.

    The neurologist told me I had a moderate concussion and I needed to lie low for three months. I got migraines from simply walking around the block, so I had to stop completely.

    While I was sitting at the kitchen table one afternoon, I got the idea for my now published book and card deck set. It hit me harder than the fall off my bike. After helping my husband with his business for a year, without knowing what was next for me, I was ready to hit the ground running.

    These places where we are asked to be still and experience the unknown are as important to our journey as the times when we feel certain. An empty blank canvas permits the unanticipated and unexpected to appear.

    Like a trapeze artist letting go of one bar we suspend in a gap before the next bar comes swinging towards us. This space is the catalyst that creatively births us into new ways of being.

    Here are five key questions to experience relaxation, stillness, and peace while resting in the uncertainty of the unknown: (more…)

  • Improving Your Reactions to Mishaps from the Inside Out

    Improving Your Reactions to Mishaps from the Inside Out

    “Peace of mind is not the absence of conflict from life, but the ability to cope with it.” ~Unknown

    I am confident. I am content. I am complete. I am calm.

    I decided that this was going to be my new mantra. I decided this at 8:26 a.m. I repeated it to myself over and over while showering, getting dressed, and driving to work.

    I ascended the stairs to my office, singing the words in my head. I am confident. I am content. I am complete. I am calm.

    This was going to be a good day. I would stay focused, yet aware; productive, yet relaxed. Yup, I was on top of the world, strutting my stuff in my maxi dress and strappy sandals.

    And then I spilled my water bottle. My dress was blotched in awkward areas for a significant amount of time.

    Needless to say, I forgot my mantra.

    I forgot that I was supposed to be confident, content, complete, and calm.

    For the first hour of my work day, I drifted in and out of an anxious haze of unrest, just because of that stupid water bottle. That spilled seven ounces of water triggered a tidal wave of unease and insecurity.

    They say not to cry over spilled milk. “They” didn’t mention spilled water because it’s so insignificant.

    I realize that spilled water is a really stupid thing to get worked up over. Logically, I know that.

    But it wasn’t the spilled water that was really the problem. Anxiety is something I know all too well. I often allow small and insignificant disruptions to cause me a lot of distress. I blow things out of proportion; I know this.

    But that doesn’t mean I have to live with anxiety-on-call for the rest of my life.

    “Spilled water bottle” incidents happen. (more…)

  • Stop Waiting to Live: Scare Yourself Alive

    Stop Waiting to Live: Scare Yourself Alive

    “It is not uncommon for people to spend their whole life waiting to start living.” ~Eckhart Tolle

    Whenever I’m tempted to play it safe with my life, whenever I start talking myself out of the risks I really want to take, I think about something my friend Jesse said years ago, when we were on a work-sponsored retreat.

    After a day of travel, activities, and settling in, we were left with a free evening. As the darkness deepened, a group of us stood together, discussing our options. What would we do on our first night in the woods?

    There was a pause. And then, with a look of inspired wildness, Jesse said, “Let’s go for a walk and scare ourselves alive.”

    And so we walked out the doors and into the night. We carried flashlights, but we didn’t turn them on; the moonlight gave us just enough light to see by. We walked down a hill and into a valley, weaving through the trees and underbrush.

    Except for the leaves crackling underfoot and the owls crying in the distance, the night was silent. The walk was just daring enough to feel dangerous, just safe enough to feel like the right risk. (more…)

  • Leaving a Secure Job When the Risk Feels Scary

    Leaving a Secure Job When the Risk Feels Scary

    “It’s not who you are that holds you back. It’s who you think you’re not.” ~Unknown

    Over the past four years, I followed a career path that felt soulless.

    As I moved from city to city, climbing the corporate ladder, I noticed that, ironically, the bigger my paycheck, the emptier I felt. Something about advertising felt lifeless, cold, and desperate to me.

    But I ignored this feeling and worked over it, drank over it, binged, exercised, and ate over it.

    I pressed forward like a steel freight train on a mission to find my happiness. When I got to that new level, the thing I thought would make me happy was still just a few more achievements off, just a couple more dollars away. I was always looking “out there” to find my peace.

    I had convinced myself that this was the best way to live my life. It became normal to cry in the bathroom at work. It wasn’t until I got laid off one year ago, from my big marketing job in Chicago that I recognized miracles do exist.

    I picked up my depression and moved to the West Coast. I bought my dream car, adopted a dog, and landed a perfect boyfriend—and then I took another job in marketing.

    It was only a few weeks until the fear-ridden depression started to nudge up against me. The cry festivals picked up again, and I walked around like a shell of a human being.

    I would arrive to work lifeless, cold, and afraid to listen to my inner voice. I would say to myself, “I went to graduate school for a marketing degree, so I better stick to this.” But it just wasn’t what I wanted.

    I was pretending to be the corporate climber. The more achievements, awards, cities, clients, and money I could get, the more I could say I was worthy. It was all a big circus, as I quietly hid myself behind the illusion of success and fulfillment.

    I secretly longed for freedom. Every day I would sit under the fluorescent lights and cry inside.

    I felt like a caged animal that wanted nothing more then to break free. But fear, and fear alone, was holding me back. Then one day I arrived to work, and the cage doors propped open. (more…)

  • 4 Reasons to Let Go of Envy and Celebrate Your Greatness

    4 Reasons to Let Go of Envy and Celebrate Your Greatness

    “Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.” ~Unknown

    When I arrived home after a brief stint living in another state, I was anxious to reconnect with places from my childhood and the friends I’d left behind.

    But while I was healing from a heart-wrenching breakup, suffering through sleepless nights on my parents rock-hard couch, and mulling over where all my freelance writing work had gone, my friends seemed to be successful, happy, and right on track.

    Realizing that I had hit rock-bottom and that it crippled my self-esteem, my friends gathered around me, taking shifts to ensure that I wouldn’t drown in my own overwhelming grief.

    Yet, while their love and support was what got me through, seeing each of their lives so clearly flourishing added another emotion to my already full load: envy.

    Envy is a sneaky bugger—a pot-stirrer who likes to aid the ego in pointing out flaws you’d rather just sweep under the rug. It serves as a reminder of all the success you don’t have, the experiences you haven’t had, the relationships you’d like to have—basically everything that makes you feel “less than.”

    I spent the next few months wallowing in comparisons—staring longingly at couples clutching hands as they walked down the street, watching people hustle to their well-paying jobs, and picturing myself in the beautiful homes that others had the ability to purchase.

    Unfortunately, while I knew with every cell in my body that I wanted to be somewhere different doing something different, envy kept me rooted firmly in place—a place plagued by lack and thoughts of “if only.”

    Once I realized that the circumstances wouldn’t change until I did, I noticed that entertaining this toxic emotion was getting me nowhere but deeper in my hole of self pity. That was when envy and I parted ways, leading me to some very powerful realizations. (more…)

  • 13 Tips for Eating More Compassionately

    13 Tips for Eating More Compassionately

    Boy Eating Watermelon

    “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” ~Dalai Lama

    As a child, I had no idea that such a concept as vegetarianism even existed, let alone veganism.

    Since I grew up on a sheep farm, raising animals and eating them were just what we did.

    The sheep, cows, and chickens from my childhood seemed to have pretty happy lives. There was grass to eat and water to drink and space to roam about. The only thing that used to worry me about them was that they’d freeze outside in the winter with no coats on.

    It wasn’t until I went to university that I even thought to question whether I should be eating lamb, or beef, or chicken.

    Over the years, I’ve come back to the point of view that while I really respect people who choose to be completely vegetarian or vegan, it’s not for me.

    As a little experiment, I spent a month being vegetarian last year. While I found I struggled with a completely plant-based diet, it did give me some great ideas for how to eat more compassionately by not eating meat every day.

    It was quite refreshing to look at my diet with a completely fresh pair of eyes. To be honest, I was surprised by how easy it was to adapt some of my favorite dishes to suit a meat-free way of eating.

    Here are some of the lessons I’ve picked up to help get you started eating more compassionately.

    1. Make Monday meatless.

    Something I’ve been experimenting with over the last few months is making a conscious decision to eat meat-free on Mondays. It’s a great way to add a bit of veggie fun into the week. And I’ve actually found that seeking out vegetarian options for Monday has meant we’re more likely to eat vegetarian at other meals as well.

    2. Add some lentils to your life.

    I’ve always been a fan of lentils, but after my month of vegetarianism, I developed a newfound respect. If you’re in a hurry, canned lentils are a really convenient option.

    Cooking lentils from scratch is pretty simple, unlike beans and chickpeas. No soaking required, just simmer in a pot like pasta until the lentils are tender (about 15-20 minutes). Drain and use anywhere you’d normally use ground beef. Lentil bolognese, lentil tacos, lentil burgers, lentil lasagna, lentil chili—there are endless possibilities.

    3. Replace canned fish with canned legumes.

    You can do this whether it’s a tuna or salmon salad or a tuna sandwich. Canned white beans or chickpeas will be equally as satisfying and quick. If you normally mash your sandwich tuna with mayonnaise, try mashed chickpeas with Vegenaise for a change.

    4. Grate Brazil nuts, not cheese.

    If you love your grated parmesan sprinkled liberally over everything but are keen to cut down on cheese, consider Brazil nuts. They make a wonderful alternative. Just finely grate your nuts with a Microplane and use them anywhere you’d normally be reaching for the parmesan.

    5. Make the most of mushrooms.

    Known as ‘meat’ for vegetarians, a large roasted portobello or field mushroom can be just as satisfying as a steak. Just pop them in the oven with a little garlic, thyme, and a generous drizzle of olive oil. Leave for about a half-hour until tender and juicy.

    6. Order the vegetarian option for a change.

    One of the surprise outcomes of my vegetarian month was the discovery that the ‘vegetarian’ option on restaurant menus can be surprisingly delicious. Next time you’re out, why not give the veggie lasagna or the veggie burger a go?

    7. Try some tofu.

    While tofu may have a reputation for being pretty bland, it’s actually a great protein sponge for soaking up flavor. Try cubes of tofu in your favorite curry or stew. Crumbled tofu tends to work well as a ground beef replacer when you’ve had enough of lentils. Or try scrambled tofu with a little curry powder and a softened onion as an alternative to scrambled eggs.

    8. Cream it with tahini.

    Love creamy sauces? Then tahini, or ground sesame seed paste, could be just the thing if you’re looking for a dairy-free alternative. Drizzle this nutty sauce over roasted vegetables or make a dressing by combining equal amounts of tahini, lemon juice, and water.

    9. Go nuts.

    More than just a source of essential fats, nuts are a great way to add crunch and protein to veggie meals. They’re also a wonderfully portable snack for vegetarians and carnivores alike.

    10. Embrace the avocado.

    When eating meat-free, it can be difficult to fill up. Avocado salad with a handful of nuts is one of my favorite vegan lunches. And don’t forget guacamole.

    11. Delve into dark chocolate.

    Dessert can be a lonely place without butter and cream. Fortunately, there’s a whole world of vegan-friendly dark chocolate to explore. You could even get creative and serve a few different dark chocolates from different regions or chocolates with different cocoa contents, and have a little chocolate tasting party to end a meal.

    12. Season with soy sauce.

    I recently read a theory that the Buddhist monks invented soy sauce as a way to convince the masses to become vegetarian. Fish and meat are rich in compounds like amino acids and glutamates, which make them taste delicious.

    Soy sauce also contains a generous slug of these tasty glutamates. So it can be a great flavor booster in vegetarian dishes. Other sources include tomato and mushrooms.

    13. Avoid fake “meat” products.

    I’m a fan of Michael Pollan’s adage to not eat anything your grandparents wouldn’t recognize as food. To me, it defeats the purpose of avoiding meat products if you’re going to expose yourself to the additives and flavors required to get something that isn’t meat to taste like meat. They can’t be good for us.

    Ready to give meat-free Monday a try? Here’s a simple recipe to get you started:

    Lentil ragù with zucchini ‘noodles’ recipe


    Serves two

    Inspired by the good old family classic spag bol (or spaghetti bolognese), these baked zucchini noodles are one of my favorite options for gluten-free comfort food. It’s handy to have a mandoline or vegetable peeler to get lovely fine noodles. You could serve the lentil ragu with pasta if you prefer.

    Feel free to add to the lentils – I’ve kept it super simple but a little garlic, onion, chilli or even basil would work.

    • 2 zucchini, sliced into ribbons
    • 1 can lentils (400g / 14oz), drained
    • 4 tablespoons tomato paste
    • grated brazil nuts, to serve
    • salad greens, to serve

    1. Preheat oven to 200C (400F).

    2. Layer zucchini ribbons over a baking tray a few layers deep. Drizzle with olive oil and bake for 10 minutes or until the zucchini is no longer crunchy.

    3. Heat 3-4 tablespoons olive oil in a medium saucepan. Add lentils and tomato paste and cook for a few minutes until hot.

    4. Taste and season lentils, adding a little more olive oil or some butter if the tomato is too sharp.

    5. Divide zucchini between two plates and top with lentils.

    6. Serve with grated Brazil nuts on the side and a green salad

    Boy eating watermelon image via Shutterstock

  • Overcoming the Power of Suggestion: Make Your Own Choices

    Overcoming the Power of Suggestion: Make Your Own Choices

    “People who urge you to be realistic generally want you to accept their version of reality.” ~Unknown

    I’m often open to suggestion. I like to gather opinions and feedback about my writing so that I can use it to improve the impact and make it a better read.

    The thing I’ve learned about listening to other people’s thoughts on my writing is that sometimes what seems like good advice is little more than personal preference; changing an image or an entire scene to suit one person isn’t always the right path, especially if my gut is saying, “You know you don’t want to do that.”

    Now that I am working on a novel, I realize how easy it’s been to sway me, not just in my decisions but also in my thoughts.

    Have you ever taken a different route to a party or family event because the person in the passenger seat told you to? How about putting those comfy, though slightly old trainers in the bottom of the closet because your partner thinks they look shabby?

    It’s a given that we’ve all spent money on something we don’t need because we’ve been lured by the suggestion of T.V. and big companies that appeal to our desire to happy. I bet some people have even given up on dreams because someone else has said they’d be better off aiming a bit lower.

    There’s a difference between valid advice and suggestions based on self-interest.

    There are times when my view of reality gets distorted, when I’m stressed or upset. Once I’ve calmed down, I often acknowledge that my perception was overblown, although a grain of truth often remains.

    It’s frustrating when someone else negates my experiences—essentially saying there is no grain of truth. (more…)

  • How to Be Fully Awake Instead of Living on Autopilot

    How to Be Fully Awake Instead of Living on Autopilot

    “To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.”  ~Pema Chodron

    It’s tempting. Staying in the nest means life feels safe and we are protected. If we get thrown out of the nest we either stretch our new wings and fly or plummet to the ground.

    Flight poses new challenges. How do we embrace spaciousness when we desire solidity? How do we stay aloft and open?

    A friend of mine recently showed me a nest of robin’s eggs. Beautiful, blue like the sky, and full of bright possibility, we admired the eggs. Sadly, none of the chicks survived.

    Life can be harsh and unpredictable for little chicks and humans. How do we recover when we are thrown out of the nest?  How do we awaken?

    In her book, When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chodron talks about there being no safety net, only spaciousness. At first this concept frightened me. I didn’t understand what she was talking about.

    Spaciousness is the wide blue sky with no clouds. Spaciousness is a trip to a far away galaxy. In order to fly we must embrace the openness without clinging to the nest.

    Spaciousness in common vernacular can mean “going with the flow.” If we don’t cling or attach to results but stay in the moment we can experience spaciousness. Life will feel less constricted and less anxious.

    The world appears to be concrete, but it’s not solid. As many people around the world know from tragic circumstances, your home can disappear in a split second. Your life can change in an instant.

    I can have my day timer filled with appointments and meetings, but what if I get a flat tire or get sick? It’s a scramble to reschedule. These are only minor events that can cause stress.

    There are so many distractions in our daily lives, as well—phone calls, emails, TV, kids fighting. It’s a challenge to stay calm. No wonder we’d prefer to just stay in our warm beds in the morning!

    If I take time to breathe, to become aware, to experience spaciousness or flow, then disruptions in my life do not feel so overwhelming. Once I understood that spaciousness could give me a sense of freedom, I was no longer frightened. I was relieved.

    Waking up in the morning and taking off in a flurry of activity after a cup of coffee is not equivalent to being completely awake. It takes practice to calm down, slow down, and become more aware. I’ve been taught that success comes through small actions repeated many times.

    As creatures of habit, we all tend to move through the day on automatic, sticking to a schedule and a plan. Have you ever arrived at work without quite knowing how you got there? Have you eaten your lunch at your desk and not even tasted it? (more…)

  • How to Reduce Stress by Doing Less and Doing It Slowly

    How to Reduce Stress by Doing Less and Doing It Slowly

    Zen man

    “Beware the barrenness of a busy life.” ~Socrates

    In April, NPR ran a story titled, “The Slow Internet Movement.” It reported that hipster cities, like Portland, Oregon, are sprouting Internet cafés that only offer dial-up access to the web.

    These cafés give customers, “Slow pours and slow Internet. Here, you can order your coffee and spend four hours checking your email, all for $.99 an hour.”

    “Wow,” I thought.” That’s just my speed!” (No pun intended.) But the story didn’t just run in April. It ran on April 1st and was NPR’s little April Fools joke at the expense of gullible people like me.

    It got me thinking, though. Life would be much less stressful if I embraced the spirit of the Slow Internet Movement. So, here are four tips for slowing down:

    1. Double the time you think it will take to complete a task.

    How often do you clock in at or under the time you’ve allotted for a task? I rarely do. Take my raised ivy geranium bed. Periodically, the geraniums spill over onto the walkway and I need to cut them back.

    Every time I assess the task, I estimate it will take twenty minutes at most. But it always takes at least twice that long. By the time I’m done, due to chronic illness, I’ve used up my energy stores for the day. I’m “trashed” as we call it my household.

    Inspired by The Slow Internet Movement, when I tackled the task a few weeks ago, I doubled my twenty-minute time estimate. Forty minutes is more than I can handle at one time, so I cut back half the geraniums on Saturday and the other half on Sunday.

    Sure, the box looked odd for twenty-four hours—like half of a buzz cut—but no one seemed to notice. Not only did I spare myself burnout, but I truly enjoyed the activity both times. (more…)

  • 6 Questions That Will Make You Feel Peaceful and Complete

    6 Questions That Will Make You Feel Peaceful and Complete

    Woman painting

    “The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your own arm.” ~Swedish Proverb

    When I was in my mid-twenties an unhealthy relationship with an unhealthy guy sent me packing off to the corner of New Mexico to find myself. In a new age, self-discovery kind of world—a hubbub of a town filled with people in transition—I was graced to meet many powerful healers, gurus, shamans, and teachers.

    I became a workshop junkie. I went on Shamanic power journeys to spiritual centers around the world, chanted with Indian gurus, and became a certified yoga instructor and Reiki master.

    I got rolfed, (and got more intense body-work by thick-boned Maoris) and rebirthed with conscious breath work. I studied parapsychology and quantum dynamics, did past-life regressions, memorized mantras, unraveled koans, and collected crystals and tarot cards.

    I went on vision quests in the desert, called leading psychics, mapped my astrological chart, figured out my Enneagram number, dreamed lucidly for nights in an upright chair, and drew down the moon in Wiccan circles.

    I had psychic surgeries, soft-tissue chiropractic work, drank herbal tinctures and elixirs, bought every kind of healing essential oil, collected a library of self-help books, and did inner-child work, gestalt dialogues, and did loads of homework with several life coaches.

    I know. It’s crazy, huh?

    I was a perpetual seeker. Because of an innate sense that there was something wrong with me and a belief I picked up as a child that I was “bad,” I constantly looked outside of myself to find respite, feel loved, and to know my worth.

    Even though my unhealthy relationship was dysfunctional, that man gave me a gift that I wouldn’t discover for years. There was something he always said to me that would have saved me from grasping to know myself for so many years, if only I could have really heard it and made it my own.

    Whether he meant it or not, he would say: What’s not to love about you?

    If I could only for one minute stop and realize this truth, I could have found my peace, and not from a man or spiritual teacher or seminar. I would have been freed from a need to find something outside of me. I would have come to know my own heart. (more…)

  • The Secret to Instant Self-Confidence

    The Secret to Instant Self-Confidence

    “Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” ~Dalai Lama

    Self-confidence is an interesting concept.

    You see, we all have ways of feeling good, bad, low, light, and peaceful. We all have triggers that tell us when to experience these states.

    The really interesting part is that you can challenge how you respond to those triggers and change the strategies you use.

    There have been countless times in my life where I haven’t felt absolutely confident.

    For example, I used to be very shy around people. I just didn’t believe I had anything to say, so I used to freeze. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong people.

    It felt safer to be quiet, but after awhile it got really boring—and when someone is really bored, they’re often in fear because they’ve put so many restrictions on themselves.

    What helped me work through the fear and start being me was tapping into a feeling of confidence, or sometimes just another positive feeling.

    It could be as simple as thinking of something that made me feel good, or even thinking about the fact that we are all human, and we are all made of the same earth.

    It’s not going to happen overnight, but once you become aware of the triggers in your life, you can exponentially increase the amount of bliss you experience.

    You can try to resist feeling happy all you want, but sooner or later you will start experiencing that bubbly joyous feeling inside of you, because that is who you really are deep down inside.

    That is who we all are. (more…)

  • 51 Things That Will Make You Smile

    51 Things That Will Make You Smile

    Some days, it’s easy to smile. You wake up to the sounds of birds chirping, with the warm glow of the morning sun cradling your face. You take several deep, cleansing breaths standing beneath a perfectly cascading shower, just before drawing a smiley face on the steamed-up glass with your index finger.

    Your roommate or significant other makes your coffee, just the way you like it. You hit every traffic light. You sing to your favorite tunes. And you arrive at work refreshed, excited, and anxious to create and collaborate.

    But not every day starts this way. Sometimes you wake up to chaos, in your head or in the world around you. You hit snags, and bumps, and roadblocks at every turn. You try too hard, or don’t try enough, and things fall apart, or things fall short.

    You struggle, you fight yourself and other people, and you find yourself wishing you could stop the world so you could get off for a while.

    But there is an alternative. When things go wrong, you can fall down or look up. You can shut down or wake up, all over again, starting from right where you stand. You can accept that the days won’t always look bright, but commit to finding something worth smiling about. Not sure what that might be? No worries, friends! I have a few ideas…. (more…)

  • 5 Immediate and Easy Ways to Silence Your Inner Critic

    5 Immediate and Easy Ways to Silence Your Inner Critic

    “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” ~William Shakespeare

    I love to paint. I’m not a professional artist. I have no technique, and I am not trained. But I love how the brush feels as it dips into color and moves across a white page.

    Painting allows me to be free, to have fun and play. It also does something else: It shows me how I judge myself and how I can get in my own way. It reveals what I believe about myself that stops me from creating whatever I want.

    Even as I take joy in the process of painting I still hear the inner-critic in my head:

    “This flower is not pretty enough. It should be purple, not red.”

    “Make this face look good so others can recognize what a good painter you are.”

    “You can’t paint just for the sheer joy of it—you need to be doing more productive things with your time.”

    “It’s ugly, and when people see it, they’re going to think you’re weird.”

    The judge inside me likes to tell me how bad I am. He mocks me, teases me, and pushes me around. He’s mean, insensitive, and determined to hold me back.

    When we engage in a project, whether it is the beginning, the middle, or the end, the judge loves to get involved. Although the judge is very unoriginal and speaks to each of us very much the same, his judgments take on hundreds of forms.

    The judge is most definitely a thief, robbing us of our innate goodness, worth, talent, values, and ability. He makes us believe in illusions, wreaks havoc on our spirit, and causes chaos in our mind.

    He likes to break our ego and tell us we are not enough and bad. He likes to tell us we are not loved and not cared about—that we don’t matter.

    He even likes to stroke our ego and puff us up, telling us how good we are, how special and how unique. “Look how beautiful that purple flower is. Look how very talented you are. When people see this, they’re going to find you very special.”

    He loves to break us and stroke us. He loves to seduce us and tempt us. He loves to make us doubt ourselves.

    So how do we silence this inner critic and put him in his place? (more…)

  • The Relief and Power of Accepting Your Struggles (and Finding Hidden Gifts)

    The Relief and Power of Accepting Your Struggles (and Finding Hidden Gifts)

    “It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens.” ~Pema Chodron

    I love acceptance. Acts of surrender create forward momentum.

    If we all pause for a moment and observe what we are fighting, right here and right now—maybe depression, anxiety, weight gain, low self-image, or financial stress—we’ll have an opportunity to accept then.

    But that’s just the start.

    Recently I accepted something I never thought I would. Reframing the way I thought about it changed my life.

    I have moderate to severe OCD. Having OCD is basically like believing everything that goes through your mind. Scary, right?

    Obsessive-compulsive people have intrusive and extremely terrifying thoughts—for example, that he or she may have been contaminated by something, which might lead him or her to spend hours washing. I have a base underlying all of my obsessions: that I will hurt people. It was and can be my greatest fear.

    For example, I used to worry that I left the oven or iron on and that, in doing so, I may have burned the house down, which would ruin my husband’s life and also kill our cat. So I’d return home multiple times per day to check these appliances and also send my husband home to check. I also had massive rituals around shutting appliances off.

    OCD is a time-sucker. Obsessive compulsives create rituals to lower the anxiety. I’d check to make sure I didn’t leave the iron on, do everything evenly on both sides of my body so I felt “balanced,” retrace events that happened in my life to make absolutely certain I hadn’t harmed anyone accidentally, and search the internet excessively for answers.

    These rituals literally took up hours my day.

    I discovered that I had OCD one afternoon when I was trying to figure out how you know something for certain.

    Try googling that.

    The first thing that popped up for my search query was about obsessive-compulsive disorder. I felt immediate relief. (more…)