Tiny Buddha

Category: Blog

  • 6 Things to Do Instead of Comparing Yourself to Others

    6 Things to Do Instead of Comparing Yourself to Others

    Woman Thinking

    “Do not judge by appearances; a rich heart may be under a poor coat.” ~Scottish Proverb

    I grew up believing I was never enough. Ever. Not when I got all A’s in school. Not when I was in the talented and gifted program. Not when my father made more than enough money for me to buy whatever I wanted.

    I became an adult who compared herself to others too, always wondering why I didn’t have what they had or why I wasn’t as pretty or as cool.

    I brought this behavior into my relationships and my business. I would get super jealous to the point of stalking when it came to my romantic partners. I was controlling and pushy because I thought they would leave me for someone better.

    In my business, I would obsess over other entrepreneurs and wonder how they “had it all,” convincing myself that no one cared what little ole me had to say. I played the victim all too well. And it kept me stuck, alone, and broke.

    After a series of dramatic events, including a baby, a layoff, and a divorce—in one year—I hit rock bottom. It sucked, but that’s what it took for me to realize how terribly I was treating myself.

    I committed to making changes in my life, my behavior, and my attitude. I had to embrace who I was and who I was going to become. I had to risk becoming nothing to become something.

    If you catch yourself playing the comparison game often, it’s important to remember one thing: you don’t know anyone else’s story. You can only base your assumptions on what you see, and that’s a pretty shaky foundation to put all your bets on.

    A complete shift in focus and mindset around these behaviors needs to happen. Here are some things I learned to do instead of comparing myself to others.

    1. Compliment them.

    Most of the time, when you are jealous or comparing yourself to others, it’s because you think they have something you don’t. The natural instinct for most of us is to criticize them. We try to pump ourselves up in by putting them down.

    It’s a terrible practice and it puts you at a low vibration, feeling even worse. Instead, find something you really admire about them and compliment them.

    If it’s someone you know personally, send them a message or a note. If it’s someone you don’t know or someone with celebrity status, send a tweet or leave a nice comment on the blog. I guarantee you will brighten up their day and feel good about it.

    2. Believe in yourself.

    You are a beautiful, amazing human being. You were put on this Earth to do something unique. We all are. Unfortunately for some, they never embrace it and end up living unhappily.

    Believe you have a purpose and a mission in this life, whether it’s big or small. If you don’t believe it, then no one else will either. There are few people who will love you unconditionally. You should strive to be one of them.

    3. Embrace your journey.

    The comparison game is a sneaky trick. It makes you think you are on the same path as everyone else. Though some paths may be similar, every person has a different journey. Embrace yours.

    Stop comparing your beginning to someone else’s middle. You have no idea how much this person struggled or how hard they worked to get where they are. Stay focused on your own path and forge ahead.

    4. Find your awesome.

    Along with comparison comes a whole lot of negativity. We start beating ourselves up and talking badly about ourselves for not being as pretty, as smart, or as successful.

    Remember, you are unique and awesome. You have talents, traits, and accomplishments that make you who you are. Write a list of amazing things about yourself and put it somewhere you can see it daily. Make it the background of your phone or computer and read it to yourself all the time.

    5. Feel the fear.

    Most negativity comes from a place of fear. Fear of failure, success, looking silly, or being judged.

    Fear is something that never goes away entirely. The difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is their ability to see the fear and continue anyway.

    What are you afraid of? Identify it. Then ask yourself what’s the worse that could happen. Chances are, it’s not as bad as you think.

    6. Live in alignment.

    When I was going through my personal struggles, most of it came because I wasn’t in tune with who I was. I didn’t know what I wanted. I was frazzled. Something felt off.

    I had an insane work ethic, but I didn’t work on my relationships. I was preaching self-care, but I was overweight. When your life is not in alignment, it will always feel like something is missing.

    Take a look at how you’re living. Are you in tune across the board? If not, examine the areas you need to focus on.

    Comparison comes from a place of lack. If you find yourself doing this often, figure out what’s missing and where you can improve.

    Chances are, the person you’re comparing yourself to is reflecting something back that needs expansion. Pay attention and trust yourself. There’s always a deeper meaning. Figure out what it is, so you can move forward.

  • 70 Ways to Make Others Feel Special

    70 Ways to Make Others Feel Special

    Finger Art

    “Be the person that makes others feel special. Be known for your kindness and grace.” ~Unknown

    There is someone in my life that has an extraordinary talent for making people feel special. I would call him out by name, but he’s a fairly private person, so we’ll just call him “E.”

    It’s not that E makes people feel that they are somehow greater than others. He recognizes what’s special about everyone he encounters, and through his attention, kindness, and generosity, brings out the best in them.

    He doesn’t do this through grand gestures, and not with expectations of receiving anything specific in return.

    He does it because he enjoys making people feel good, and because he sees the good in them, he knows that they deserve it.

    In a world where it’s easy to focus on ourselves—our goals, our desires, and our plans—there’s something inspiring and, well, downright special about anyone who makes it a priority to truly see and acknowledge the people around them.

    I haven’t always done this well. Sometimes I’ve been too self-involved to shift my focus outside myself.

    But with help from some special people who’ve seen the best in me, I now know that every day—no, every moment—I have a new opportunity to do the same for someone else. And you do too. 

    How do you make someone feel special? 

    Pay Attention

    1. Stop what you’re doing and look directly into their eyes when they’re talking.

    2. Make a note of their likes and preferences so you can recommend joint activities you know they’ll enjoy.

    3. Recognize when they’re feeling down on themselves and say, “I think you’re awesome, and I hope you know it!”

    4. Compliment them on their appearance, especially if it’s something others might not recognize (like a small weight loss).

    5. Praise them for a job well done—especially if it’s a tiny victory that others might not think to acknowledge.

    6. Let them know what you find interesting, rare, or admirable about them.

    7. Take an interest in their hobbies and passions, and give them a chance to light up in sharing why they enjoy them.

    8. Compliment them on their skills as a parent or their thoughtfulness as a son, daughter, brother, or sister.

    9. Start a conversation with, “It’s really amazing how you…”

    10. Say, “I want you to know you make a difference in my life. Thank you for being you.”

    See Potential

    11. Tell them you believe they can achieve their dream—and why.

    12. If they don’t have a clear dream, recognize and acknowledge their skills and talents.

    13. Ask them questions to help them uncover how they can leverage their strengths to make a difference in the world.

    14. Encourage them to go for something they want but are scared to pursue.

    15. Comfort them after a failure or misstep and let them know it isn’t representative of who they are or what they’re capable of.

    16. Ask them to teach you how to do something to reinforce that this is something they excel at.

    17. Offer to teach them something you know they’ve wanted to try, and let them know why you think they’d be good at this.

    18. Give them something to help them get started on their dream—like a journal for an aspiring writer, or a design book for someone interested in fashion.

    19. Tell them you want to be the first one to buy their product or service when they inevitably start making a living off their passion.

    20. Give them a hand-made card and write inside what you see in them.

    Give Generously

    21. Give your time—to listen, to support, or to just enjoy each other’s company.

    22. Give them a job referral and say, “You’re the first person I thought of when I saw this—no one could do this job as well as you!”

    23. Give an introduction to someone they’d enjoy knowing—and introduce them with a compliment (i.e.: This is my good friend Avery, who’s a fantastic chef and one of the funniest people I know).

    24. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Instead of assuming they’ve done something thoughtful or insensitive, remember their goodness, and let them know.

    25. Give them your approval—nod your head when they’re talking and commend their thoughts and ideas.

    26. Give them space to work through thoughts and ideas out loud, even if you’re tempted to bring the conversation back to yourself.

    27. Give them credit for something they were right about.

    28. Give them the opportunity to shine in front of others when you’re tempted to dominate the conversation.

    29. Give compassion when you’re tempted to judge, and let them know what you admire about the challenges they’ve overcome.

    30. Give them your honest opinion and say, “I value you too much to tell you anything but the truth.”

    Be Affectionate

    31. Give them a hug when they’re feeling down, and hold it just a little longer than usual.

    32. Give them a playful nudge when joking around to show you’re tight like that.

    33. Literally pat them on the back when offering praise.

    34. Squeeze their hand when they’re anxious.

    35. Cuddle up to you partner instead of maintaining distance on the couch.

    36. Offer to give a massage to someone you know would be comfortable receiving it.

    37. Actually kiss someone on the cheek instead of giving an air kiss.

    38. Hold hands with your partner when walking outside (or, if you have friends who enjoy holding hands, go for it!)

    39. Sit comfortably close together to show you’re not avoiding physical connection at all costs.

    30. If you know they don’t enjoy too much affection, give them a handshake when greeting them to show you understand and respect their preferences.

    Share Yourself

    41. Share your fears with them to let them know you’re not afraid to be vulnerable with them.

    42. Share your feelings with them and let them know you value their guidance and support.

    43. Share your honest opinions instead of censoring yourself to show them you’re comfortable enough to be authentic with them.

    44. Share your dreams with them and let them know you appreciate their advice and encouragement.

    45. Share your resources with them—especially if they’re scarce—to show they’re worth the sacrifice.

    46. Share something you cooked for them to show them they’re worth the effort.

    47. Share your spirituality with them, and invite them to join you in practicing yoga or going to church.

    48. Share a secret with them to show them your trust.

    49. Share something that will become an inside joke between just the two of you.

    50. Share something you value with them to show them you value them more.

    Do Together

    51. Invite them to join you in doing something important, like picking out something for your partner’s birthday.

    52. Ask if you can help with something important they’re planning to do.

    53. Plan a surprise event for them, either to celebrate a tiny victory or just because you care.

    54. Invite them to something that will be a bonding experience, like a spa day or a sporting event.

    55. Buy an extra ticket to something you know they’d enjoy, and offer it to them.

    56. Ask them to join you in doing something regularly, like joining a bowling league, and let them know why it would be way more fun with them there.

    57. Include them in a group event to show you consider them part of the gang.

    58. Ask for their input in planning a group event to let them know you value their thoughts and ideas.

    59. Devote a weekend day or night (or both) to spending time together instead of squeezing them in for a quick lunch.

    60. When you’ve been busy, say, “I haven’t had much time lately, but I miss you! When can we get together and catch up?”

    Be Together

    61. Invite them to sit around with you, just to relax and enjoy each other’s company.

    62. Ask them if they’d like to enjoy the outdoors with you, whether that means lying in the beach in the summer, or drinking hot chocolate near a snow-covered window in the winter.

    63. Ask them if they want company when they feel drained after a long week, to show you don’t need a formal plan to be there for and with them.

    64. Offer to come over, while they’re home, so you can be an extra set of eyes to watch their kids.

    65. Sit in comfortable silence instead of needing to fill the air to show you’re comfortable enough to do this.

    66. Offer to stay with them when they’re sick, just in case they need anything.

    67. Invite them to join you in a technology free day—one without any distractions from simply being, together.

    68. Ask them to share their favorite way to relax on a day off, and then ask if they want to do this together.

    69. Invite them to join you in meditating. (If you don’t meditate, invite them to try it with you, at home or in a group environment.)

    70.

    I left the last one intentionally blank for you to fill in. What do you do to make others feel special, and what makes you feel special when others do it for you?

    Finger art image via Shutterstock

  • Practicing Loving-Kindness Even When (Especially When) You Are Hurting

    Practicing Loving-Kindness Even When (Especially When) You Are Hurting

    Hand Heart

    “Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.” ~Charles Dickens   

    All of us have been hurt or angered by someone’s words at some point. Some words are blatantly cruel, and others are deceptive, appearing to be in our best interest but only ever leading us astray. These are the messages that leave us questioning who we are or how we should be.

    I’ve been labeled timid and stuck-up. Speak up more, but stop interrupting. Be more assertive, but don’t complain. Be more outgoing, but be authentic.

    I’ve been called careless and a lousy role model and then questioned about why I am such a perfectionist. Lighten up. Don’t apologize so much.

    And my all-time favorite: your voice is off-putting and might scare the children.

    These are painful messages, and historically I’ve taken them to heart.

    When we’ve been hurt, we might try to get rid of the feelings by distancing ourselves or fighting back. It can be hard to regard these feelings as reflecting our desire for connection.

    We also try our hand at shapeshifting, becoming who we think we ought to be. This approach to connection can actually backfire. While we could feel more connected in the short term, we’ve also reinforced the message that who we are isn’t enough. Any guesses about what that does to us over time?

    Lashing out, hiding away, or conforming do not bring us any closer to connection nor do they leave us feeling validated or loved.

    For me, this is a big lesson in loving-kindness. Loving-kindness is a sense of benevolent affection, unwavering connection, and compassion for ourselves and others, even the difficult people in our lives.

    This lesson has taken a while and is admittedly still a work in progress, but it is powerful nonetheless.

    Loving-kindness does not leave us immune to negative emotions, but it is most potent when called upon in our less than loving or kind moments. Loving-kindness also does not leave us impervious to hurtful messages, though it can lessen their impact.

    When we are hurting or angry, loving-kindness can be especially challenging. It is therefore empowering to practice loving-kindness not simply in spite of feeling hurt but because we have been hurt.

    Finding loving-kindness relies on three things: our ability to love and be loved, maintaining our composure, and acting with good will.

    Have a heart that never hardens.

    Loving-kindness involves wishing peace, joy, and tenderness for others. It means celebrating successes, easing suffering, and cultivating feelings of friendliness and affection.

    We cannot do this with a hardened heart.

    A hardened heart is closed or blocked off. It may expect the worst or interpret hostile intent. A hardened heart is surrounded by not merely a wall but by a fortress of steal.

    With a heart that never hardens, there is ample room for warmth, forgiveness, patience, and compassion. Having a heart that never hardens also reflects our ability to love and be loved.

    Yes, being loved is actually an ability. Let me be clear. By ability to be loved, I don’t mean lovability or worthiness of love. I mean being able to allow others to love you.

    We make decisions about vulnerability, trust, and love when we’ve been hurt. We protect against vulnerability or we try again, decide that people are or are not to be trusted, and either open ourselves up to or block ourselves off from love.

    The key to having a heart that never hardens is to remember that your heart is strengthened, not scarred, by heartache. When words sting, know that this pain reveals an open heart.

    Trust in yourself to be able to handle it if and when you are hurt. Treat yourself with compassion in life’s painful moments, and take a healthy risk on vulnerability even when you’ve been hurt in the past. Allow yourself to be at peace when you are hurting or angry, and cultivate benevolence and goodwill rather than stewing in bitterness or breeding ill-will.

    Have a temper that never tires.

    Composure is another major component of loving-kindness. We all vary in our natural ability to keep a level head in the face of pain or anger.

    Anger is normal and natural, and it is even helpful when understood. Anger lets us know when something is amiss. It alerts us to threat or injustice.

    In truth, you will probably get ruffled from time to time. That’s just part of being human. However, this does not mean that you need to lose your temper.

    When we lose our tempers, we say and do things that we don’t mean. We can lash out, blame, and deny. This usually leads us to do anything but communicate.

    Acting without thinking often makes a bad situation worse. Not only do we still have the triggering event to contend with, but we now have the fallout from whatever we said or did when we lost our temper. It can become difficult to resolve the situation, and rather than cultivating peace, we create a crisis.

    Losing our temper doesn’t just harm those around us but also ourselves. We can experience regret and shame after losing our temper, and we ruminate about it later and work ourselves up further.

    Loving-kindness allows us to recognize our anger and breathe warmth and peace into it. It gives us a bit of extra reaction time and reminds us of our connection to this person pushing our buttons.

    To have a temper that never tires, know your triggers. Common triggers for anger are feeling threatened or vulnerable, having our goals blocked, and feeling mistreated.

    Also pay attention to the times when you are more susceptible to losing your temper. It may be when you are feeling overworked, overtired, and underfed, or you may be under the pressure of high expectations or demands.

    To keep your temper, knowledge is power, and knowledge plus acceptance is even more powerful. Acceptance doesn’t mean agreement, simply acknowledgement. Acceptance that it is what it is can go a long way toward defusing your anger and redirecting that energy toward positive action or loving-kindness.

    Have a touch that never hurts.

    Acting with tenderness and good will is the third component of loving-kindness. You can’t have a touch that never hurts if you have a hardened heart or a quick temper.

    A harmful touch can have two main functions: getting rid of pain and inflicting pain.

    Quite often, anger is secondary to pain. Somehow it seems easier to be angry than to be hurting. When we’re angry, we can place blame on someone other than ourselves and act out accordingly.

    When we are hurting, we can also turn our anger inward. We can inflict pain on ourselves in a variety of ways and for a variety of reasons.

    In contrast to this, loving-kindness is benevolent and gentle. It is approaching others with sympathy and care and using your touch to heal and comfort yourself and others.

    Having a touch that never hurts refers to both physical and emotional harm. Certainly, our hands can be used as weapons, but so can our words and our actions.

    When you are hurting, resist the temptation to hurt someone back through name-calling, gossip, or blame. Put revenge aside and focus on moving forward.

    Use your touch for healing, not hurting. Reach out to hold the hand of someone you care about. Scratch their back, give a massage, or high five. Extend a loving gesture toward yourself by putting your hands over your heart and simply breathing.

    Using your hands to build or create can also help you cultivate loving-kindness. Try writing a caring note to a friend, pitching in through volunteering, or simply creating something for your own enjoyment.

    Hand heart image via Shutterstock

  • Transforming Shame Into Love, One Good Deed At A Time

    Transforming Shame Into Love, One Good Deed At A Time

    Friends Laughing

    “No one is useless in the world who lightens the burdens of another.” ~Charles Dickens

    A few years back, I saw a sticker that read, “Be the change you wish to see in the world. –Gandhi.”

    My knee-jerk reaction was annoyance because the sticker was affixed to the bumper of a car that turned left in front of me. I was in the middle of a long stretch of bad days, so pretty much anything would have set me off.

    My search for happiness during that bleak period seemed fruitless, most likely because I didn’t know that happiness is not a destination where, upon arrival, we get to unpack our bags and stay forever. Happiness is just one of many “rest stops” on the highway of life.

    Just as rest stops are meant to come and go, so is happiness. We recognize a feeling in our conscious field, stretch into that feeling for as long as needed, and eventually, get back in the car and “drive” until the next one comes along. 

    Of course, there are other stops along the highway as well: loneliness, excitement, hope, anger, longing, etc.

    Eight months after ending a toxic relationship, I was spending an inordinate amount of time at the rest stop of shame.

    Not only had I allowed myself to stay in a relationship with someone who treated me poorly, I felt like a failure when the relationship ended. Seems I had special talent for beating myself up, both coming and going.

    Each one of our feelings speaks to us in its own unique voice. For me, shame sounded like, “You’re a loser!” or “You’re boring!” or, my personal favorite, “No one will ever love you!” The voices of our feelings can tell us things that feel true but, in fact, are not true. 

    When I heard the voice of shame, it took everything in my power to fight the urge to isolate from a world I was convinced I didn’t deserve to be part of.

    The world seemed pretty dark at the time and I worried I would never find the light again. (This is what hopelessness sounds like, by the way.)

    It was at precisely this time that Gandhi’s words came along, disguised as an obstacle in my path. Seeing those words reminded me that we cannot control how we feel; we can only control what we do with how we feel.  

    While I could not control shame, I could control how small I allowed it to make my world.

    I had no idea how to “make” myself happy, but I was desperate to try anything. I decided to conduct a little social experiment to test Gandhi’s words. Because I wanted to transform shame into happiness, despair into love, it was up to me to sprinkle happiness and love into the world.

    I called the experiment “The Mizvah Project” and challenged myself to perform at least one good deed per week. The good deed could be any action, small or large, as long as the net result would put more positive energy into the world.

    I wasn’t feeling too positively energetic at the time, so a week seemed plenty of time to do at least one small thing. (After all, starting from ground zero, there was nowhere to go but upward.)

    Once the goal was set, I noticed a slight positive shift in perspective. I was no longer wondering what in the world could make the pain stop, I was asking myself what I could do to bring more love into the world.

    The experiment began.

    If I appreciated something about someone, I went out of my way to tell them.

    If I knew someone who was struggling and needed a sympathetic ear, I called and listened.

    If I saw a piece of trash on the sidewalk, I picked it up.

    A friend needed help redesigning her office, so I did it.

    If my son was having a bad day, I surprised him at school with takeout from his favorite restaurant.

    Momentum didn’t take long to build, so I quickly bumped the target up to three mitzvahs per week. Augmenting the goal brought with it another noticeable shift in my worldview: a significant uptick in the compassion.  This was encouraging.

    If a car turned left in front of me, I told myself the driver was probably lost and needed help; if someone was rude at the grocery store, I assumed they were having a bad day and needed extra patience; if I screwed something up, I spoke nicely and encouragingly to myself.

    I began to believe—I mean in-my-core believe—that all human beings, even those who hurt us, are deserving of love and compassion.

    It’s been almost two years since The Mitzvah Project started. I am happy to report the shame that once felt like a constant companion has given way to greater connectedness with the people around me (whether they are trusted friends or complete strangers) and with myself. Overall, thankfully, I spend less time in despair and more time in contentment.

    It hasn’t been all wine and roses since I started the project—shame still shows up on the highway from time to time. The difference is, where I once would have addressed the voice of shame with harshness and criticism, I now speak to it in a kinder, gentler voice; as if I were a child in pain.

    Approaching our shame with loving curiosity eventually reduces shame’s need to manifest itself in ways that don’t serve us.

    Inside each of us is a deep well of love, patiently awaiting our own recognition. Mindful acts of kindness and compassion, however large or small, are the portals to this love. 

    If you have been spending more than your fair share of time at the rest stops of shame and despair, I urge you to consider asking yourself how you can bring to the world the change you wish to see.

    The voice of shame may try to convince you that you cannot do it. Shame lies; don’t believe it.

    It is easy to overlook the gifts we can offer the world, just by showing up and giving of ourselves.

    Perhaps there is someone in your life who could benefit from a pair of good ears and strong shoulders; a park in your neighborhood that could use a little clean sweep; an overdue birthday card that needs a stamp.  Start small and, if you feel inspired, work your way up from there.

    Shame can be stubborn and may stick around for a while, and that is okay. It is when we are visiting the rest stop of shame that we are most worthy of our own loving support. 

    When you feel the darkness, gently remind yourself that this is where you are right now; it is not who you are for always.

    Feelings are temporary—the next one will come along eventually. In the meantime, remind yourself that you are doing everything in your power to put loving energy into the world; this is enough.

    Healing can be found in unexpected places when we embody the change we hope to see.

    Acting in service of bringing love and light into the world helps us find the love and light within ourselves. One good deed at a time, today’s despair slowly transforms itself into tomorrow’s hope.

    Friends laughing image via Shutterstock

  • How To Be The Best Version Of You A Lot More Often

    How To Be The Best Version Of You A Lot More Often

    Happy Woman

    “In chaos, there is fertility.” ~Anaïs Nin

    Are you a calm creature in your yoga class, then you get home and yell at your kids?

    Do you ever read a really inspirational book or blog and think, “Yes! That makes total sense, and I’m going to start doing that!” Then life gets busy and it never quite happens?

    Do you ever feel like you’re two different people living in the same body? Saying one thing, doing another?

    Me too.

    For the past fifteen years I’ve been a self-development junkie.

    I’ve read tons of books and I’ve attended courses and loads of amazing workshops. These covered everything from parenting to time management, relationships to getting organized, healthy eating to setting up a business, plus anything to do with spirituality and personal growth.

    All of these have inspired me with an array of fantastic ideas—but often they remained just ideas, floating around in my head without any action plan behind them.

    On the mat at my local yoga center I was the calm, peaceful, positive soul I craved to be. Yet, when I got home and re-entered my chaotic reality, it felt like just a temporary illusion.

    I was straight back to my grumpy, irritable, impatient “other self.”

    What was wrong with me? How could I be so Jekyll and Hyde?

    How could I more consistently be the “me” I loved being around?

    I was writing in my journal one day when I began to list the qualities I show when I’m being my best version of me.

    • Kind
    • Lighthearted
    • Playful
    • Calm
    • Relaxed
    • Positive
    • Present

    I knew what brought out the best in me—yoga, inspiring workshops, running in nature, laughing with friends, dancing my socks off, getting stuck in an amazing book.

    Then I listed what the poor version of me looks like.

    • Irritable
    • Impatient
    • Snappy
    • Short-fused
    • Negative
    • Mind spinning in overdrive!

    I asked myself, “What brings out the poor version of me?”

    • Feeling overwhelmed, with a lot on my plate
    • Too much on my mind, trying to figure things out in my head
    • Rushed, running late
    • Tired
    • Not enough “me” time

    And it occurred to me that, since I know what brings out the worst in me, why not look at each of these things and find ways to make them happen less often?

    I realized that I needed to get a handle on the day-to-day “running the show” stuff.

    To tackle overwhelm and having too much on my plate, I began to take a deep look at my time management. I learned how to say “no,” to delegate, and to structure my days better.

    I began to prepare for success by meal planning, laying clothes out for myself and the kids the night before, and always thinking one step ahead about what I’d need to take with me before going out the door, so I could feel calm and confident that I wasn’t forgetting anything.

    I began to feel less rushed. I was on time.

    Then I got back into a regular journal writing habit. I also had weekly scheduled brain-dumps to get things out of my head and onto paper so I could figure things. I crafted step-by-step action plans to get organized and on top of everything that needed doing.

    Instead of spending my evenings slumped in front of the TV or scrolling mindlessly on my phone, I started having regular candlelit baths and getting into bed earlier, curled up with a good book.

    It was the “me” time I always craved but never thought I had space in my day for. And I was consistent with it. I was finally implementing a lot of the great things I’d read about (hurrah!), and I felt the best version of me coming out more often.

    Once I got on top of the logistics, I felt less stressed and overwhelmed. It was easier to be more mindful and present. I began a daily practice of checking in with myself, asking, “How am I feeling?” listening to the answers and using them to guide me.

    After a lifetime of telling myself “I’m not a morning person,” I began to wake fifteen minutes before the children and used this quiet time to write in a gratitude journal or meditate using an app on my phone.

    It’s helped me stop being so cranky at breakfast and send my kids off to school peacefully, and with love.

    It took recognizing what brings out the worst in me to turn things around. It didn’t happen overnight, but by taking baby steps in the right direction I got there.

    Now I’m able to be my best version of me in my everyday life—not just on the yoga mat.

    If you want to be your best version of you more often, write your answers to the following questions:

    I feel like my best version of me when…

    How I feel about myself when I’m the best version of me…

    It’s easier to be my best version of me when…

    I’m a poor version of me when… 

    What can I learn from these insights? What new habits can I create to make it easier to be my best version of me?

    Inspired actions I will take this week:

    1.

    2.

    3.

    Share in the comments below: What brings out your best and worst you? What can you do to bring out your best self more often?

    Happy woman image via Shutterstock

  • How to Love Your Life at Every Age

    How to Love Your Life at Every Age

    Family Running

    “The future is completely open, and we are writing it moment to moment.” ~Pema Chodron

    When I was twenty-seven, a wave of dread swept over my life.

    As I looked to the future, all I could see was the beginning of the end. Pretty soon, it would all be downhill.

    Why the doom and gloom? I was approaching thirty!

    Like many young people in their teens and twenties, I regarded “The Big 3-0” as the end of the party.

    I would become uncool (or perhaps more accurately, even less cool than I already was). I feared turning into my parents.

    One day, I was expressing my anxiety to an older friend of mine (she was all of thirty-three).

    She put her arm around me, looked at me with one of those oh-you-poor-clueless-thing expressions, and said, “Your thirties will beat your twenties hands down! You’ll have your act together more, earn more money, but still be youthful enough to do all the things you want to do.”

    She was right, of course.

    Soon after I turned thirty, I met the partner with whom I would share my life for the next twelve years. My career took off, I bought a house, and I was able to afford some vacations. Most important, I gained some maturity and focus on my life.

    My thirties were terrific. They did, in fact, beat my twenties hands down.

    Since then, I have never dreaded the approach of a “milestone” birthday—or any birthday, for that matter. Each passing year, and each stage of life, brings its own joys and its own opportunities to grow and adapt.

    My forties brought plenty of opportunities to grow and adapt. I went through a break-up and numerous dating misadventures, my career took off in new directions, and I met my current husband. In spite of (or probably because of) all the change, adaptation, and growth, my forties were terrific.

    We’re often reminded that we should live in the present moment, and that we shouldn’t worry about tomorrow or hold on to regrets from yesterday.

    That’s great advice, but I also believe that we need to maintain a positive focus on the future.

    To me, this is not a contradiction. We can fully live in the present and plan for the future. To live only for today is to risk wandering without direction.

    Our dreams, hopes, and goals keep us growing and moving forward. We are happiest when we are on our journey to reach a destination we have envisioned and are excited about.

    I’m now fifty-seven and embarking upon a slightly early retirement. I’ve had challenges and adjustments, but that’s okay. So far, my fifties are terrific.

    I’ve decided that it’s time to retire the word “retirement.” I prefer to think of my remaining decades as my “Renaissance”—a time for redefining, rebuilding, and rebranding myself.

    You can embark upon your own personal Renaissance at any point in your life.

    Regardless of whether your horizon is your thirties, forties, fifties, or retirement, here are some steps you can take to bring more meaning and enjoyment to your life today, while setting the stage for a terrific tomorrow:

    1. Pursue things you don’t think you have time for.

    Write down the things that truly make your heart sing. Include pursuits you don’t have time for now. Think about activities from your youth that have fallen aside due to the demands of adulthood.

    You should find that one or two of these items will resonate with you more than anything else. Try to find at least one or two hours a week to devote to your passion.

    I love jazz and playing my trombone. For much of my adult life, I’ve played in a band that rehearses one night a week. Sometimes I’ve been so busy that I haven’t had time to play any more than that, but at least I played once a week.

    Now, I have time to play in more ensembles and practice as often as I like. If I had abandoned playing my trombone entirely throughout my working years, it would have been much harder for me to pick it up again. And I would have deprived myself of enjoyment for all those years.

    2. Define your legacy. What do you want to leave behind?

    What do you want to be remembered for? How do you want to make a lasting contribution to the world? It could be a book, artwork, music, a service organization you establish or contribute your time and talent toward, or perhaps the impact you have on the lives of others through coaching, mentoring, or leadership.

    Even if you an hour or two is all you can devote to your true passion today, you’ll still be making a difference, and you’ll be setting yourself up for more fulfillment in your coming years.

    3. Decide where you truly want to live, and make plans to move there.

    Where would you live if you didn’t care where your job is located? Write down the possibilities that excite you the most.

    Many people wait until they retire to move to where they truly want to live. Maybe it’s not practical to move now, especially if you like your job but not where you live. Can you shape your future to live where you belong?

    As I approached forty, I decided that I had had enough of cold winters, heavy traffic, and the high cost of living in the Washington, D.C. area, so I decided to move to Arizona.

    It was the smartest move I’ve ever made. I’m glad I didn’t wait twenty years to move to the warmth and sunshine I so enjoy now.

    4. Travel to the places you’ve always wanted to visit.

    While I try to live my life with no regrets, I wish I had traveled more in my twenties and thirties. I now know that exploring new lands and cultures is one of the richest and most memorable experiences you can have.

    In addition to beholding the breathtaking beauty of our planet, seeing how other people live will enrich your understanding of humanity and expand your worldview.

    You’ll also expand your range of possibilities for where you might like to live.

    5. Re-examine your perceptions about aging.

    When you think about reaching your next milestone birthday, what sort of feelings does that trigger?

    If I could write a letter to my twenty-seven-year-old self, I would tell him that worrying about how miserable my life would be after I turned thirty only served to make me unhappy when I was twenty-seven.

    If my friend hadn’t shared her wisdom and changed my view, my thirties probably would have been miserable—because that’s what I would have expected.

    Replace your anxieties about getting older with an appreciation for all the possibilities you can create.

    —

    Is it time for you to embark upon your Renaissance?

    That may mean making that career change you’ve been contemplating. It may mean eliminating unfulfilling activities to free up time to truly follow your passion. Maybe it means moving to that place you know you belong.

    Whatever your Renaissance looks like, defining it and making it happen won’t occur overnight. It’s a process that will unfold over time.

    Envisioning a brighter future and embarking upon the journey to make that happen will bring focus and happiness to your life today.

    Running family image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Feeling Inadequate and Let Go of Heavy Expectations

    How to Stop Feeling Inadequate and Let Go of Heavy Expectations

    “No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.” ~Charles Dickens

    When I was seven years old, my parents had me take an IQ test for an application to a private school near our new home.

    I vaguely remember sitting with the proctor, answering question after question about vocabulary and spatial recognition. To seven-year-old me, the test was nothing more than a fun logic puzzle, and I delighted at each question I knew the answer to, bright eyed and enthusiastic.

    While I don’t recall my exact score, the numbers were unusually high—in fact, so high that the proctor expressed her surprise to my parents that I was not suffering from some form of high-functioning autism.

    From age seven on, I was placed in the most gifted classes in both public and private school. I enjoyed the challenge, and the attention I received, until I became a teenager.

    In my transition to adolescence, I became aware of the incredible teenagers around the world writing novels, promoting peace, and inventing the types of machinery and technology that change the world.

    These individuals inspired me, but secretly implanted a deep sense of fear and angst in my mind.

    For as long as I could remember, people had been telling me, “Avery, you are going to do amazing things with your life,” while I spent my life like any other teenager: school, sports practice, homework, food, bed, repeat. I was not accomplishing any great feats.

    I slowly began to feel like I was failing to fulfill my full potential as a human being.

    Being exceptionally gifted, once a joy and privilege, had become a toxin to my emotional well-being. I was all consumed by my ego telling me that I should be more—or I was wasting my intellect.

    This led me to sporadically start novels, blogs, articles, anything to prove myself worthy of my intelligence. I would give up on each one quickly and move on to my next idea, as unsuccessful as the first.

    No matter what I tried, the world still did not know my name—the only thing, I thought, that could make feel adequate.

    About a year ago, it dawned on me that my pattern of self-dissatisfaction and disappointment was unsustainable.

    No matter what I did, no matter how many people knew my name, it made no difference. I always craved more, and anything less than becoming the next Einstein was a personal failure.

    So, with that in mind, I began the arduous process of redefining success in my life. The only way I could do this, I learned, was to help others realize their own goodness.

    I began with my personal mantra:

    “It is better to change one person’s life than to have 1,000 know your name.”

    I stumbled upon this realization somewhat suddenly, after taking a two-week long trip with my grade. I invested myself in helping my friends with sickness and fear, and I came away changed; I finally felt like I’d accomplished something permanent and meaningful.

    Instead of living for recognition from the world, I began to look for satisfaction through my personal relationships. I no longer needed to change the world to be successful; I just needed to know that I had changed someone’s life for the better.

    Surprisingly, this is a relatively easy task to accomplish with discipline. By investing myself in relationships with my friends, acquaintances, and partner, I began to receive incredible feedback.

    People genuinely began to thank me—not for being kind, but for literally changing their lives.

    The key for me was genuinely listening to others, and caring about their needs and opinions. Helping people came naturally to me, and remains the best gift I can give to others; not some profound piece of writing or technological advancement.

    Typically, the people around me who I listened to had similar issues of inadequacy. I was not alone. They too believed themselves to be failures, unable achieve their potential, whether that potential was straight A’s or a sports scholarship or being kind.

    I could see the innate goodness of the people around me shining through, and it pained me to see them suffer from feelings of inadequacy. I knew, deep down, that everyone around me was good and pure and beautiful, as all children of this earth are.

    As a result, I realized through time that if the people around me were all beautiful and good, as all people are, then I must be good too—just the way I am and always will be.

    By loving others, I had already achieved my purpose on this earth: to be the inherently sympathetic and kind creature that all human beings are.

    I now actively seek people around me who need my care, and indulge them when necessary. Love has taken precedence in my life over material accomplishment, as it truly should. I have closer, more meaningful relationships, more acquaintances, and an exponentially higher self esteem.

    The beauty is, people reciprocate genuine love: the people you help will be there for you in your times of need, too. Love is a self-fulfilling prophecy that can only be positive for all parties involved.

    At the end of the day, people simply want to receive love and attention; and through giving others these things, I not only improved their lives but also my own perception of myself.

    I was able to focus on the immediate positive impact my life was making on that of others, and I finally felt purposeful and that I was leading a meaningful life.

    The truth is, not everyone can change the entire world, and not everyone needs to. All we can do is give as much love in our lives as possible, treat ourselves kindly, and leave the world a more positive place than we entered it.

    That is all I can ask of myself, and I try to leave all other expectations of myself behind—the ones of impermanent success that can only bring me dissatisfaction and suffering.

    Maybe thousands do not know your name, but you have the power to completely change the lives of those around you with love; and that, I’ve learned, is far more gratifying and important.

  • 4 Questions to Help You Let Go And Allow Life to Happen

    4 Questions to Help You Let Go And Allow Life to Happen

    “If you let go a little you will have a little happiness. If you let go a lot you will have a lot of happiness. If you let go completely you will be free.” ~Ajahn Chah 

    I’m a smart woman. And being smart gets me in trouble. I know how to cross my “T’s” and dot my “I’s”—to prepare for what might come. I know how to plan, to pack, to book tickets, to be the perfect tour guide.

    I know how to make lists—very well. I know how to calendar myself and how to produce events. I know how to assess situations and make them seemingly work out well.

    Or do they?

    Too often, I have everything planned and marked out, and life still happens without me.

    Six months ago, I decided I was ready to move from a house I owned with my ex-husband. We were divorced two years before, yet I needed the time to grieve.

    When I found my dream home, a sweet small cottage for lease in the Santa Monica canyon overlooking the sea, I thought it was meant to be.

    With tears filled with happiness and release, eagerly anticipating a new life for me, I sold my house and started to prepare for the move. Two days before the movers came, the owner of the cottage said she wanted to dissolve the lease.

    I was freaked out to say the least.

    Yet, I tightened my britches. I called the movers and asked them to store my belongings until I knew where I was going. I pressed my real-estate agent to find me another place to rent. At the time, it was a bad rental market in Los Angeles.

    The next morning, I ran into my lovely neighbor in front of my house.

    Seeing the “Sold” sign in my front yard, he asked me, “Where are you moving?”

    “I don’t know,” I said, discouragingly. “My lease fell through; I’m putting my stuff in storage.”

    Seeing the fear in my face, my neighbor said to me, “Lynn, when is the next time all of your stuff is in storage? When will be the next time you are not paying a mortgage? This is a perfect time to go somewhere fun for a while, especially after your divorce—how about the south of Spain? France?”

    That all seemed too crazy to me.

    But later that night, I thought to myself, “He’s right. If I wanted to experience some place else where might it be?”

    I didn’t get a clear answer.

    I called a friend and told her what my neighbor said to me. She reminded me, “Remember a year ago you said you were curious about New York City?”

    “Yes!” I said.

    And then it hit me.

    Don’t get me wrong—it was hell and back before I made it to New York. I was all over the place (emotionally and literally), crashing in too many friends’ homes and hotels for six weeks. I threw a rib out from the stress. But I finally arrived to New York City with two bags.

    And I learned a valuable lesson in regards to my practical, plan making:

    No matter how much I plan, it doesn’t always work out the way I think it will be.

    Here are four questions I contemplated since then about letting go and allowing life to happen:

    1. What if you stopped trying to do?

    So many times we think we have “to do” to make it all happen. It’s not that we should stop trying to be productive or to lose sight of our goals, desires, or needs; but sometimes “doing” overrides “allowing.”

    I often wonder what it would be like if I attempted to not do—to see what would happen next. Where I might end without all that effort.

    I see clearly now that something larger than me had a plan of its own: Another city on another coast. Who would have believed?

    2. What if you only focused on what is in front of you?

    It’s common sense that we cannot plan really, because we all know that even when we try, life can throw us a curve ball.

    So, what if we were to just focus on the object at hand? The one thing in front of us?

    For instance, right now, I’m selling a house. Right now, I’m renting a cottage. Right now, the cottage is no longer available. Right now, I am staying at a friend’s house. Right now I am going to New York City.

    Well, then life gets interesting!

    We get to be a part of the river, following its flow and sometimes being led somewhere better than we thought we could go.

    3. What if you don’t know?

    Too often, I think I know what is going to happen. Or at least, if I don’t know what will happen I have a back-up plan. (Or several. Or many.) I try to stay safe by predicting and preparing.

    And I realize now, that’s my ego speaking. It stops me from seeing that something other than what I think I want might be awaiting me.

    I learned from this experience the humility in the power of “I don’t know.”

    “I don’t know” keeps me fresh. It keeps me present. It keeps me alive. Then I don’t have to force things to be in the way I think they should be.

    Plus, I no longer have to pretend I have everything under control. Instead, I am free!

    For fun, try saying, “I don’t know” for a day to everything.

    Sit in the unknowing. It’s uncomfortable, for sure. This “spaciousness” is disconcerting. But great new and exciting territory lies in that unknown. And the mystery, ultimately directs us on its own.

    4. Can you handle changing directions?

    When I control, prepare, think things out, and think they are the right or the best course of action, lightening can still strike, causing me to go in a different direction.

    Rather than panic, (like I did) I can meet the current when it changes in front of me. Life has a funny way of showing the right path, eventually.

    Many times, my fear and panic is a messenger. showing me I am going in a direction that is not in alignment. That anxiety, as scary as it is, might be telling me something.

    If I pay attention, my fear might be offering me something good.

    In the end, New York City has brought me a plethora of wonderful new things. After being on the west coast for twenty-seven years, this was a huge surprise to me—a life experience I didn’t know was available.

    I’m curious now, more than ever, what will happen if I continue to ask these four questions. Perhaps, some unknown force is leading me. Perhaps, my willingness and intuition is guiding me. But when I let go, even if for a while, I find I am more happy and free.

    How do you feel asking yourself these questions? What might you be curious about if you let go and allowed life to happen?

  • Why People Who Embrace Their Imperfections Go Far

    Why People Who Embrace Their Imperfections Go Far

    Man with raised arms

    “A beautiful thing is never perfect.” ~Proverb

    I was having a conversation with a group of friends that I meet up with occasionally, and my friend—let’s call her Sarah—started talking about perfectionism.

    She said that people used to describe her as a perfectionist and she’d wonder what they were talking about because, according to Sarah, she couldn’t do anything right.

    And then one day it dawned on her that her perfectionism was rooted within the idea that if she couldn’t do something perfectly, she wasn’t doing it right. So she had best not do it at all.

    I can relate to Sarah. I spent the majority of my childhood and many of my adult years running away from my gifts for complete and utter fear of failure.

    And the fear of failure seemed so physically debilitating that I would just quit doing stuff before even giving myself a chance to get really good at it.

    Generally, it was the stuff I loved that I would quit doing, too. Because I equated loving doing something with huge risk of failure, leading to me not being able to do that thing—that thing, so to speak, that I loved.

    And ultimately this would lead to self-doubt, embarrassment, and low self-esteem. The horror, right? I genuinely thought that the insecurity came from not being able to do things well.

    I never considered the possibility that insecurity was the culprit, leading me to make decisions not to do things that I couldn’t do perfectly. Which meant that at the end of it all, I didn’t really do anything of interest for many years.

    I started playing the piano when I was three years old. I’m classically trained and I wanted to be a concert pianist. My parents gave me lessons, bought me a beautiful baby grand piano, and encouraged me to keep playing.

    I played, and I played well for years. But then eventually when I was a teenager, I gave it up because I felt like there were so many other pianists my age who were so much better than I was.

    Of course this was all in my head—musical ability is entirely subjective, but it didn’t matter. It was enough to make me stop playing.

    I did the same with drawing, painting, writing, sewing, etc. I even started my own jewelry line in elementary school using macramé, beads, and inexpensive knick-knacks from the hardware store.

    My peers loved my jewelry and I actually sold my stuff at school. You know, for candy money and Choose Your Own Adventure books. I gave that up, too.

    I wasn’t good enough. An aspiring jewelry designer who, at eight years old, just was never going to make it in the fashion world. Oh, what a dark and dreary future. Sigh.

    And when I was done surrendering all of my talents in an effort to be, I don’t know, perfect, I found myself completely aimless and miserable. But I ran with it. After all, now that I had nothing that I needed to be perfect at, I couldn’t disappoint anyone, right?

    Such freedom in that! Except what I failed to recognize at the time was that I was disappointing the only person that mattered, and that was myself.

    About four years ago and some change, I decided to give up some bad habits. Some of these included drinking and partying. But most of what I was determined to give up was the “perfectionism.”

    And it’s funny because that’s not what I would have called it prior to that conversation with Sarah, but that’s precisely what I was giving up. So that I could go on with my bad, imperfect self.

    The moment I made the decision to give up the perfectionist mindset is the moment that I started to follow my dreams. I traveled to Bali, Indonesia, and started my own jewelry line—an island-inspired line that’s overflowing with meaning. It’s beautiful, and it’s me.

    I began writing about things that I feel passionately about, I picked drawing and sewing back up and I started playing the piano again. This time I’m learning how to play jazz and it’s so much fun.

    These are all things that nourish my soul. How absurd that I would deny myself these pleasures—these gifts of mine.

    I spent obscene amounts of time partying, took a very slapdash approach to college, worked dead end jobs that I had no genuine interest in, remained in bad relationships for way too long, and the list goes on and on.

    The idea that life could actually be fun while doing the things that I love, and not doing them perfectly, was just unfathomable. And yet here I am on this brand new pursuit of anti-perfectionism, thoroughly enjoying it.

    And on this journey, I’ve learned a few very critical things that have profoundly altered the way I approach my life.

    Try not to compare yourself to others. I wish someone had drilled this into my head when I was younger. Or maybe they did and I just wasn’t paying attention. Drilling averted.

    Still, it’s suicide for your dreams. Keep in mind that no two painters will ever paint the same, no two pianists will play Mendelssohn’s Songs without Words the same, and no two entrepreneurs will build the same business, no matter how similar.

    The finished product is always going to be perfectly imperfect and entirely unique. And beautiful.

    Even if you think you’ve failed at the things you’ve set out to accomplish, I challenge you to look at those “failures” from a different perspective. You’ve created something—something where there was nothing. Maybe that supposed “failed” something taught you how to do that thing a little differently the next time.

    Or maybe you just had to try that thing one time to know whether or not it was the thing for you. And maybe, just maybe, that thing that you think you failed at was a source of inspiration for somebody else.

    So, you see, there’s really no such thing as perfection, as it were. It’s simply about having new experiences that enhance our lives and make us feel good.

    Embrace your imperfections and you will go far. You’ll probably enjoy yourself a whole lot more in the process, too.

    Man with raised arms image via Shutterstock

  • How to Free Yourself from Bitterness by Forgiving Others

    How to Free Yourself from Bitterness by Forgiving Others

    Free Woman

    “Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude.” ~Martin Luther King Jr.

    “Stop the world, I want to get off!” I felt like screaming this phrase at the top of my lungs during a difficult period of my life. Obviously, stepping off terra firma into outer space was not an option; what I desperately needed was to be free of chronic fatigue, stress, anxiety, and negative emotions and behaviors.

    Sleepless nights spent rehashing painful events past and present also needed to end.

    Leading up to this period, I had struggled through a lengthy and emotional divorce proceeding and, along with my children, had been dealing with the aftermath of betrayal. Circumstances leading to the divorce from my husband dictated that I be the primary custodian of our children even though we shared joint custody.

    I had been a stay-at-home mom but now needed to return to work. I found a full-time job with flexible hours, and things were going fairly well. I was determined to make the best of this new life.

    And then my ex-husband took my son away—something so painful for me at the time that I could barely breathe. My youngest son was persuaded by his father to move out of my home to live full-time with him.

    The only consolation was that we lived in the same small town. I wasn’t prepared for this move and the potential implications. Then came another blow—my ex-husband took my son and moved out of town.

    In the face of another loss and what would become estrangement from my son, I filled with resentment. I used up tremendous amounts of energy trying to keep my emotions under control.

    Angry actions and words burst forth randomly. Before long, resentment grew into an ugly root of bitterness. I didn’t understand this metamorphosis or my inability to contain my anger.

    Bitterness is characterized by intense antagonism or hostility. It is toxic, self-destructive, and hurtful to others in our sphere. If the root is not cut out, it will spread and choke joy and contentment right out of our lives.

    You can unintentionally make yourself bitter in various ways:

    Stuffing it

    Following a hurtful experience, we move on without resolution, determined to leave it in the past. We decide to suffer in silence. We may even tell ourselves we don’t care. Resentment builds and beckons bitterness.

    Wallowing in it

    We can choose to nurture the pain of an offense, allowing it to fester into a giant open wound. We make sure that others realize we have been deeply wounded. This victim mentality oozes bitterness.

    Hanging on to it

    It’s possible that the offending party has asked for forgiveness. If our response was a mere, “Okay,” or a less-than-heartfelt (lame), “I forgive you,” the door to bitterness is propped open by resentment and an unwillingness to let go.

    All these behaviors are poison to the soul.

    How to know if you have morphed into a bitter old biddy:

    1. You exhibit undesirable behaviors such as impatience, caustic comments, cynicism, a judgmental attitude, and a lack of compassion.

    2. You realize that your behaviors are hurting those around you. Bitterness will inevitably rise to the top of our resentment pots and spill out all over undeserving bystanders.

    3. You re-live past hurts, keeping old issues alive; you fantasize about how things could have played out differently and picture the offender getting what he/she deserves.

    When I examined my behaviors and thoughts, I realized that I desperately did not want to be the bitter, angry person I had become.

    How it’s possible to forgive people when you have been devastated by their actions:

    Forgiving can seem like a big hurdle to jump. You may rather hold on to an old wound and refuse to forgive because the offender doesn’t deserve it, has not sought forgiveness, or demonstrated remorse. We can always find justification for refusing to forgive.

    An alternative is to pursue the process of letting go of the grievance. Perhaps you come to realize you played a part in what happened. Or you may develop a degree of compassion for the offender if you objectively consider their point of view.

    If there is absolutely no justification for what happened, you may take pity on a person who is so emotionally bankrupt that they willingly hurt others.

    It is a process and will take time, but the act of letting go in order to forgive is essential to your well-being.

    I would encourage you to count the cost of withholding forgiveness and then consider the following truths:

    1. Forgiveness is intentional, not a feeling born out of emotion, but rather a firm, once-and-for-all commitment. Waiting until you feel like forgiving or until you receive a request for forgiveness may never happen. It’s up to you.

    2. Forgiveness doesn’t hinge on the subsequent behavior of the offender. When we suffer a wrong, we choose to forgive and live in the freedom of forgiveness, or we refuse to forgive and live in bondage to bitterness.

    Maya Angelou once said: “It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.”

    I chose forgiveness. I listed the still hurtful offenses of my ex-husband and one by one sincerely forgave him for each act. A heaviness that had been lingering over my soul lifted. It was liberating. Before long, I began to feel good about myself again.

    How you can navigate the storms in your life by cultivating a constant attitude of forgiveness:

    Maintain a few helpful ground rules:

    1. Try to forgive minor offenses by the time your head hits the pillow at the end of each day.

    2. If you have a mental list of unresolved past grievances, consider each one and forgive those involved.

    3. Choose to forgive without waiting for an apology. It also helps to remember times when someone forgave you—it’s humbling.

    4. Don’t allow your mind to dwell on previously forgiven offenses; you risk opening the door to resentment and bitterness a second time.

    You can experience the rich rewards of forgiveness.

    A forgiving attitude allows you to soar above painful memories and live life fully in the present.

    You will experience increased authenticity in friendships and more joy, intimacy, and fulfillment in close relationships.

    Guard these rewards carefully—no matter how deeply you are hurt or offended, do not allow bitterness the opportunity to take root within you.

    Woman in field image via Shutterstock

  • You Have the Strength and Wisdom to Thrive Through Hard Times

    You Have the Strength and Wisdom to Thrive Through Hard Times

    Strong Woman

    “And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” ~Abraham Lincoln

    Nothing can ever really prepare you for a cancer diagnosis, but it can quickly turn your life into an unplanned story.

    Diagnosed at the age of twenty-eight with ocular melanoma, I was treated with surgery and proton beam therapy, and gratefully continued on with my life (though certainly a changed person).

    But every year I went for a MRI of my liver/abdomen because if ocular melanoma spreads, it most likely goes to the liver. And every year when I got a clean bill of health, I felt grateful.

    I didn’t live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop, though there had been other challenges along the way—being hit by a car and having shoulder surgery, struggling with infertility for years, and finally becoming pregnant only to have a miscarriage.

    For each of these challenging situations, I would cry and experience the heartbreak, but then ultimately dust myself off and get back into being an active participant in my own life.

    On August 27th 2013, I was diagnosed with Stage IV liver melanoma. After a misdiagnosis at one hospital I had switched care, and essentially spent almost two months in limbo about the state of my health.

    Now, being treated at one of the best facilities in the world and going through two rounds of treatment in the past year for an incurable cancer, I have quickly learned a thing or two about life, and how I want to live it.

    My hope is that by sharing how I approach a life-changing situation, it may empower you to think about your own health and happiness.

    Follow your heart and your gut.

    When you face a cancer diagnosis—or any life-altering crisis—it can seem like your internal GPS is off-kilter, or sometimes even broken altogether.

    What I’ve learned is to throw that map out the window: forget about where you think you’re “supposed” to go and listen to your heart (and your gut).

    You have the answers inside of yourself; you just need to find a quiet place where you can sit with your thoughts and breathe, gently blocking out the commotion of the outside world.

    Meditation can greatly help with this. All the direction that you really need is already within you, it’s just a matter of tuning into it and really paying attention. When you listen to your heart, you can never really be lost.

    Advocate for yourself.

    Listening to your gut comes especially in handy when dealing with a medical diagnosis or some other kind of life quandary. It’s important to gather all of the information, bring somebody with you, and get second and even third opinions.

    The first hospital that found lesions on my liver through a MRI dragged out the process of having it biopsied, telling me along the way that if it came back as cancer it would be Stage IV and “very hard to treat.” I was given few treatment options and even less information, which all led to a very scary few weeks.

    When the biopsy results finally came back, they were negative, but my gut was telling me that it would be still be smart to find out what these lesions could be. So, despite the fact that both my oncologist and my primary care doctor at the time said that I didn’t need to see a liver specialist, I decided to see one anyway.

    It’s because I advocated for myself and listened to my internal GPS that I was able to put together an amazing team and start treatment at a different hospital. My gut told me this was the place to be, and I’m glad that I listened.

    It is more than okay to want to be happy and healthy; it is your birthright. Gratitude swells for my doctors, who are amazing, and we need these medical professionals greatly to heal. However, it is still so incredibly important to get multiple opinions, ask questions, and speak up if something doesn’t feel right.

    Your health is in your hands, and nobody else’s. You’re not being difficult, you’re being smart.

    Make friends with your inner ally.

    I’ve also learned to listen to my gut much more when it comes to what is best for me. In the past I felt sucked in by what I thought I “should” be doing. A people-pleaser by nature, it was often very difficult for me to say “no” to things that I didn’t really want to be doing (and truth be told, it still can be).

    It took a cancer diagnosis for me to admit that what my life coach calls my “inner ally” had been right all along: it is more than okay to often times say “no,” create boundaries, and take better care of myself by reducing as much stress in my life as possible.

    Though there are still plenty of times when I have to do things that I don’t want to do, just like everybody, or I give of myself because I want to (and because there are so many in my life who deserve that), being “selfish” sometimes just feels like putting my health as a priority, and my gut (and heart) is a lot happier for it.

    I’ve also learned that, most of the time, people get over your “no” a lot faster than you would suspect, and you wind up feeling grateful that, instead of doing something that you didn’t really want to be doing, you took that time and devoted it to yourself.

    Tapping into your “inner ally” can be a powerful way to figure out what will truly make you happy and healthy.

    Pay attention to the dark days.

    There will be some, especially if you are being told that you’re facing a challenge like cancer.

    There are some days when I feel so angry and resentful of those around me who don’t have to worry about the things that those with cancer do: dying at a young age, leaving a spouse, and perhaps never being able to have children.

    These are real fears for me, and if I ignored them, I wouldn’t be giving myself permission to grieve for the life that I had before I was diagnosed.

    I try to allow myself to cry or feel angry when I need to, which then enables me to be able to move forward with my life with more authenticity.

    My positive outlook on life and on the situation is because I listen to what that inner voice is telling me, which is not to ignore the pain. It’s through the processing of this anguish that I can then recharge my batteries and gather the strength to do what needs to be done: continue on with my KBCP (Kick-Butt Cancer Plan).

    Tap into whatever is going on for you, and while it can be scary, you may actually feel lighter afterward.

    Journal, meditate, cry, get in touch with that anger in a way that feels like afterward, you can then release it and move forward. But don’t go it alone; see a therapist or lean on anybody in your life who you feel truly understands you, and will listen.

    Believe in yourself.

    When I was about sixteen years old I was diagnosed with a learning disability.

    I was attending a private school, and my parents were told by my math teacher at the time that I would never be able to pass her class, and therefore would never graduate from high school. So did I want to try and re-take the class with a different teacher, or did I want to transfer to the public high school and take an easier math class?

    I couldn’t stand the thought of somebody telling me that I couldn’t do something. So, when doctors insinuate that people with melanoma may not live past a certain age, I take it with a grain of salt and listen to my own inner strength, which tells me that they don’t really know what I’m capable of.

    And that math class? I re-took it, got a B, and not only graduated from high school, but from college and graduate school as well.

    —

    Finding quiet times to tap into what direction my gut is guiding me toward has served me well, and what I love the most about my internal GPS is that it’s mine. Wherever I go, whatever happens, nobody can take that away from me.

    It is because of these life experiences that I now know that deep down inside of myself I have the strength and the wisdom to thrive. And you do too.

    Strong woman on mountain image via Shutterstock

  • 4 Simple Questions That Can Revamp a Sensitive Soul’s Health

    4 Simple Questions That Can Revamp a Sensitive Soul’s Health

    Jumping Woman

    “Quality questions create a quality life.” ~Tony Robbins

    Have you ever wondered, maybe even worried, “Why is it easier for others to take care of their health? Why do they have more willpower? Less struggle?”

    And, “What am I doing wrong?”

    I used to ask myself all this, and more. It was confusing; I tried to eat healthy and exercise, but my body argued back. Weight issues. Fatigue. Chronic pain. Injury after injury.

    The answer seemed obvious.

    Try harder.

    But doing so made the issues worse, or another problem started. Or both.

    The doctors all said my symptoms didn’t make sense. I wondered: is it in my head? They told me to stress less. I worried: is anxiety making me worse? They said they couldn’t help. I panicked: am I unfixable?

    Sensitivity Isn’t a Disorder (and You Don’t Need to Fix It)

    The diagnosis was an over-reactive nervous system, which led me to the term Highly Sensitive People. Dr. Elaine Aron, a psychotherapist and researcher, estimates 15-20% of people are highly sensitive.

    This simple trait means our nervous systems process stimuli intensely.

    We think a lot. We feel deeply (physically and emotionally). We’re easily overstimulated.

    Sound familiar?

    Thoughts are stimuli that affect our highly tuned nervous systems. The more negative, the more we suffer; the more positive, the more we thrive (even compared to others).

    Questions are a potent type of thought. They trigger our brains to search for answers, discover evidence, and create links and stories, long after we turn our conscious minds to something else.

    The problem was simple.

    I was asking lousy questions.

    And the solution became obvious. Ask good questions.

    It worked. I’ve bounced back from burnout with more health and happiness than in my twenties and thirties. I learned to ask the following four questions every day.

    1. Am I focused on the vitality I want or the discomfort I don’t want?

    It sounds easy: focus positively on the health you want.

    But being highly sensitive means you’re hardwired to ponder issues from all different angles. It’s a gift of cautiousness—your early warning system. And it means you end up obsessing over things you’re trying to ignore.

    Your mind is powerful. If you stay focused on soreness in your body, you sensitize your nervous system into noticing more pain. If you worry about getting injured, you subconsciously set yourself up for injury.

    When you focus on problems (or the gap between your current health and the health you want), you create tension. Physical and emotional. Which makes you feel rotten, intensifies the health issue, and even creates new issues.

    But focusing on well-being sends a powerful message to your brain and body to shift you toward better health. While helping you relax into enjoying more of life, right now (even if your health isn’t perfect).

    Tip: If you catch yourself preoccupied with what you don’t want, stop. Appreciate your gift of considering different perspectives. Then re-focus on the vitality you want.

    2. Am I whizzing through healthy habits or delving into their worth?

    Being sensitive means you mull over decisions and are quick to second-guess yourself. But it’s easy to get entangled in the rush of life and leap from one health habit to the next.

    Sinking your teeth into why you want better health helps you commit to healthy habits. You understand their worth.

    But it’s not enough to know that a habit is worthwhile just because it makes you energized, healthier, and fitter. You need to dig deeper into your why to discover what that gives you that’s even more important.

    Perhaps being fitter brings more ease and flow or enables you to connect more with family and friends.

    Some of my deepest whys are comfort, blending, and connection. For example, I’ve learned to avoid strict diets that compartmentalize allowed and not allowed (and lead me to binge on junk). Instead, to allow any foods but plan ahead my wholesome and comforting meals. To blend healthy snacks into my day. To mindfully connect with tastes and textures.

    Uncovering your deepest why helps you discover which specific habits spur you on from within. Even when the going gets tough (as it will).

    Not only will your self-care work better, but you’ll also notice less whizzing and more sticking.

    Tip: Slow down and tap into the qualities that are meaningful to you and your health. Then choose the habits to support those qualities.

    3. Am I analyzing my health or tuning in to my body’s wisdom?

    High sensitivity means you feel deeply. It’s tempting to stay stuck in your head, to hide from the intensity of your emotions and your sharp awareness of subtleties.

    Doing so numbs you from your body’s wisdom.

    You begin to worry about your health—analyzing problems and searching endlessly for solutions. Discomfort becomes a foe to avoid. A problem to fear. An assault to stop or dull (rather than a healthy message).

    When I hurt my back, for example, the pain lasted months longer than the injury took to physically heal. The therapists prescribed gentle exercises. The more I tried, the more the pain intensified or spread to other areas. It didn’t make sense.

    But tuning in to my body, I could feel the tension of trying too hard, too often. Of stiffening constantly, in fear of the possibility of pain. Of overprotecting and overcompensating. I learned to relax and soften to allow myself, more and more, to move naturally. In doing so, my body came into balance and the pain disappeared.

    When you tune in to how you’re feeling, the physical sensations become a compass for tweaking your self-care. For correcting course. You hear your body whispering, “This, not that. Ease up; push harder.”

    You re-ignite your instinctual knowing. You build your intuition muscles. You make healthy choices that reflect who you are.

    Tip: Think about an aspect of your health or self-care, and then notice how it triggers sensations in your body. Where and what do you feel? Is it a sense of lightness or heaviness? Openness or constriction? Feel into which thoughts and habits support you.

    4. Am I under healthy pressure or beating myself up?

    We all need a certain amount of oomph to improve our health and stay healthy. But it’s easy to slither from self-motivation into self-judgment. Being highly sensitive means you’re your own biggest critic.

    We see others breeze through long hours at work followed by intense cardio at the gym, fueled with crappy diets and little sleep. We’re tempted to follow suit. But when our sensitive bodies fizzle out or overreact, we’re left confused and deflated.

    “I’m lazy. I hate my body. I’m never going to get there.”

    Your nervous system responds to self-talk as though it’s the hard truth. Often, it’s not.

    It’s simple to pinpoint whether you’re feeling healthy or unhealthy pressure. Ask, “Does this [feeling or self-talk] make me want to act in a different way that’ll honestly make me feel better?”

    If the answer is no, let it go. It’s unhealthy. It’s not serving you.

    If the answer is yes, choose an action that feels good to take. And appreciate yourself for getting a handle on the pressure and not burying it.

    Tip: Be gentle and curious about your self-talk. Check if it’s helping you. Then, act accordingly. Treat yourself with the same loving compassion you’re so good at giving others.

    Answer Back With Your Super Power

    You’re blessed with an inquisitive mind and a highly tuned inner guidance—gifts to help you make wise choices in your health when you slow down and pay attention.

    Use your heightened awareness to detect your self-talk, emotions, and feelings.

    Deliberately ask empowering questions and get curious about your answers. Without judgment.

    Treat yourself with kindness, no matter what choices you make (and keep going in your self-care).

    No, this isn’t a one-fix wonder. You’ll correct course every day of your life. But well-being comes from sculpting a supportive partnership between your mind and body.

    Ask positive questions. Tune in to the answers. Take heart-felt action. You can’t help but make healthier self-care choices from that better-feeling place.

    So what are you asking for?

    Now it’s your turn. Do you consider yourself highly sensitive? If so, tell us a question that’s made a powerful positive difference in your life?

    Jumping woman image via Shutterstock

  • The Key to Finding Your Ideal Partner in Life

    The Key to Finding Your Ideal Partner in Life

    Silhouette of a Couple

    “The most perfect relationship is the one that supports you in fulfilling your destiny—the one that empowers you to be everything you are meant to be in this world and beyond.” ~Jan H. Stringer

    As I was sitting up in my bed, reviewing my “Ideal partner wish list” from six years ago, I was a little appalled. I had no idea how much I had been influenced by Hollywood when it came to identifying what I wanted in an ideal partner. It was watermarked all over my wish list. It was hard to ignore.

    There was an undertone of entitlement in my wishes. They sounded more like demands than requests or desires.

    My list looked like I was ordering a custom healing balm to soothe my loneliness and lack of self-worth. It didn’t look like I wanted a partner to enhance my experience of life and reach deeper levels of intimacy with.

    I used to believe that if two people loved each other, things would work out. As I got older and wiser, I understood that the “love” they referred to was not the kind I had known: demanding, repressing, and controlling.

    It was the kind that encompasses self-love and respects each person’s desire to be themselves. I didn’t even know what that kind of real, mature love looked like.

    I grew up on romantic movies with happy endings and romance novels where unbridled passion takes over logic. In those movies, no matter how difficult the circumstances around the couple were, they would somehow resolve those issues and walk off into the sunset to live happily ever after.

    The books I was reading followed the same scripts. I allowed these stories to settle in my mind and heart as truth, as something I should expect—every time.

    After seeing my belief system, expectations, and how I approached relationships, the reality of it all sat in my stomach for a couple of days. It was no surprise that I had pretty tumultuous relationships since writing that list.

    Naturally, I decided to write a new list. I wanted to see how far I had come, if at all. At the last minute, I heard the voice in my head saying, “Write it in a way that reflects self-love.” So I complied.

    This time, the items on my list seemed far from the requests of an unripe princess who is throwing a temper tantrum. They came from a place of knowing myself deeply and wanting to give myself nothing less than the best.

    I knew my unhealed places and my must-haves based on my core values. By now, I had had enough experiences and relationships to know which qualities I need my partner to have for the relationship to not take away from my existing happiness, and contribute to my growth as a human being.

    It took me a long time but I get it now: A partner is not a cure for all my problems, or for how good I feel about myself. He is only responsible for his half: his happiness and his choices. He is off the hook from the responsibility of making me happy.

    Yet, I let myself desire what I desire. For instance, historically, I am attracted to men who can fix anything around the house and find ingenious ways to overcome a problem they encounter while doing that. It’s sexy. I desire that. I enjoy that. But my happiness does not depend on it.

    There is even a bigger, unexpected benefit to the new version filtered through self-love: this new list feels real, achievable, and believable to me. Because it is based on truth I have gathered about myself. This, of course, increases its power and my faith in it even more.

    Since I wrote my new list almost three months ago, I feel relaxed in the knowledge that the right partner will show up when he is due. Not a minute sooner or later. And I have no control over that.

    I kick back and live my life, enjoy relationships, grow through them, and do not make the guys I date the potential father of my children right away. I let them reveal who they are and I reveal who I am in time, and see if there is enough overlap for us to continue.

    If you had told me two years ago that I could relax into the arms of the Universe to lead me to my ideal partner, I would not have believed you.

    I no longer play games or shape-shift to gain and sustain someone’s interest and love. Even though the price of this wisdom was high, I still feel grateful for all my heartaches and disappointments. Through my experiences, I found invaluable pieces of me that I will never give away.

    If I am here today, enjoying the peace of this knowing, anyone can get here. Here are a few steps to get you going in that direction.

    1. Instead of worrying about how you’re pleasing your partner, your boss, or your friends, start paying attention to your own emotional responses to life.

    See what excites you. What kind of a life do you imagine having if all your wishes came true? Get a little notebook to carry with you at all times and write down everything about you.

    “I find crop circles fascinating,” “I don’t enjoy cooking except for when I invite company over for dinner,” “My dad calls my mom at work every day. I like that. And so does she.” Get to know you. That is the gateway to knowing what to look for in a partner who is ideal for you.

    2. Pay attention to how you meet your own emotional needs.

    What makes you feel cared about? What pisses you off to no end? What do you do when you feel sad, lonely, or desperate? Who do you share your joys with? What kind of a response do you like to get for them? How do you find inspiration in life? What takes away your trust and what keeps it strong?

    Knowing the answers to these questions will help you know what would keep you happy or what would not take away from the happiness that you create for yourself.

    3. Imagine that you are a non-judgmental secret self-love agent and your job is to provide a report of your findings of this inner research.

    Write this report on yourself from a place of getting to know the person who has lived on this planet, in this body all these years. It is meant to be a loving mirror of who you are, what tickles you, and what takes away your joy.

    4. Write your new “ideal partner” wish list based on the person you know yourself to be.

    Create an avatar for the partner who would complement you and who can support you in becoming the man/woman you are here to be.

    Change and embellish this process as you like and don’t pressure yourself. It could take days or weeks to complete. Allow yourself to enjoy the process of getting to know yourself. Write this new list as a celebration of who you are based on what you find out, accept, and love about yourself. That combination is irresistible!

    Couple silhouette via Shutterstock

  • Unlearning the Self-Loathing That’s Passed Down by Generations

    Unlearning the Self-Loathing That’s Passed Down by Generations

    “Embrace and love your body. It is the most amazing thing you will ever own.” ~Unknown

    The first time I made myself throw up to feel skinny, I was five years old. My grandmother still loves to tell this story—she thinks it’s funny.

    The story goes like this: I tell my grandmother my stomach feels sick. She rubs my belly. I tell her it still hurts. She asks me if I want to try the “potion.” I say, “Yes.”

    The “potion,” as I realized in an unrelated context in my early twenties, was syrup of Ipecac—a strong vomit inducer. I should mention this was back in the Ukraine. My grandmother uses no such potion now and neither does most of the populace—I hope.

    So, there I go drinking a whole glass. I vomit. Ten minutes later, I’m in front of the mirror, hiking up my dress to look at my stomach, saying, “Don’t I look pretty? Don’t I look thin?”

    My grandmother almost rolls onto the floor laughing. She’s laughing because this little kid pulled the wool over her eyes, because my stomach didn’t really hurt. Because I’d conned her.

    How could this woman, who’s from the old country, who had to share a loaf of bread with nine of her siblings, possibly understand the reasoning or the danger of throwing up your food on purpose?

    Fast forward ten years, I’ve got a full blown eating disorder. I just wonder what my grandmother would have said if she’d have walked in on me, sitting on my bedroom floor, at age fifteen, surfing a pro-mia website, shoving a salt-covered wooden spoon down my throat to see if it made me gag easier.

    Never in a million years would she imagine what I’d been doing and why.

    My mother, however, is a different story. And so am I.

    I remember, when I was about four, my mom dropping me off on my grandmother’s step warning her not to feed me too much. That would have been the worst thing—if I gained weight. My mother took many precautions to make sure this did not happen.

    Of course, my grandmother didn’t listen.

    And so, the precautions turned to problems. My mother’s worst fear had become a reality.

    I still remember the fury with which she scolded me when she found stashed food in my room, the anger in her eyes as she tried grabbed onto my fat and my senses, trying desperately to make me understand—she was trying to help me.

    No one wants a fat girl.

    I remember watching her go on and off diets. I remember watching from around the corner as she put on her makeup, her creams, her mask. I remember the way she’d talk about herself as if she were an old house that she was trying to renovate, although the wood had rotten and fallen through the cracks.

    I found out later much later that, although my one grandmother wouldn’t know a thing about that kind of thinking, my late grandmother, my mom’s mom, was like my mother and me. She had learned the ways of self-loathing.

    It was like something happened to the women on my mom’s side of the family that didn’t happen to my dad’s side, like a program had been downloaded into our heads that said: “No one likes a fat, ugly girl, and you are one.”

    In her TED talk about lexicography, Erin McKean mentions something she calls “The Ham Butt Problem.”

    The Ham Butt Problem goes something like this: a woman’s cooking a ham for her family and she cuts a huge piece of butt off and throws it out. Her son sees her doing it and asks, “Why do you do that?” She answers, “Well, I don’t know, I guess because my mother always did it this way.”

    So, woman calls her mother and asks her, “Mom, why’d you cut the butt off the ham when you made it?” The mother says, “Well, I don’t know, my mother did it this way.” So, both women, full of curiosity now, call grandma and ask her the same question.

    Grandma laughs and says, “My pan was too small.”

    And so, I learned to put on makeup, fret over my blemishes, buy creams for my face, creams for my thighs, and creams for my arms.

    I learned to go on and off diets. I learned to feel ugly all the time, except when I’d put on my mask and protect myself from my horrible, natural appearance. I did what I saw done. I cut the butt off my ham because my mother cut the butt off hers.

    By the time I was twenty-three, I had dyed hair, dyed eyebrows, and a whole closet full of shape-altering clothes. I had problems with addiction, co-dependent relationships, anxiety, and self-hatred so serious that it ended me up hearing voices and feeling suicidal.

    Cutting the butt off my ham almost killed me.

    As I picked up the broken pieces of my life, trying to put them back together, I realized that everything was too broken to glue back together. I had to start over.

    And as I looked at those broken pieces lying there, I realized suddenly that all of the pain and self-destruction I had brewed in my life for almost twenty years had the same source. It was that program—that self-loathing thinking that I’d inherited from at least two generations.

    As I learned to see myself in a different light, I realized the pure ignorance of that kind of thinking. How ungrateful is it to say that nature doesn’t know how to make beauty? Doesn’t nature make sunsets and rainbows and beaches? Nature made me. How could I say that was ugly? Who was I to judge?

    And so, I learned to fall deeply in love with my reflections, not because of my flaws and not despite them, but because this body is a gift, because beauty is the signature of all living thing, because I am a tiny piece of the universe; how can that not be beautiful?

    The more I’ve liberated myself from this programming, the more I’ve looked around at the women in my generation and felt a deep yearning to heal their pain.

    They, too, are carrying the burdens of this cultural programming on their shoulders, never realizing that they’re only suffering because they were taught to suffer. There is no good reason to hate our bodies, no matter how they look.

    There is no reason to spend our lives in this kind of desperate, self-hating pain.

    I think that self-acceptance is the modern-day revolution, because self-loathing is modern-day oppression. I honestly believe that each person who realizes his or her own beauty changes the world.

    I already know I’ve changed the world. I know because, one day, I’ll have a daughter who will watch me looking at myself in the mirror. And when she spies on me from behind the corner, as I once spied on my mother, she will not learn to be upset at her backside and to nitpick at her blemishes. She’ll learn to smile, look in her eyes, and greet her best friend.

    And that, more than anything else, is what really makes a difference.

  • The Best Christmas Gift Ever: Finding Blessings in Challenges

    The Best Christmas Gift Ever: Finding Blessings in Challenges

    Smiling Gingerbread Man

    “There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.” ~Richard Bach

    Recently, I began reflecting on a time in my life I hadn’t thought about in a while.

    I began remembering the time when I was five years old and staying with my great aunt and uncle, because the town my mom and I lived in was under siege and unsafe.

    Our town was experiencing some of the heightened turbulence that became quite common in many towns and cities during the Lebanese Civil War, which lasted from the mid-seventies to the early nineties.

    Having the opportunity to stay with my great aunt and uncle for a little while was a treat because they lived in an area that was a bit safer.

    However, I was still uneasy, because my mom could not stay with us due to work commitments.

    Though she would visit us as often as possible, that Christmas she ended up being stuck at her workplace for days longer than she had intended because the route between us had become unsafe to travel.

    This would be the first time in my five years that I would be without my mom for Christmas. Of course as any child would, I cried over it a bit, and eventually was assured that everything would work itself out.

    Christmas Eve arrived, and my great aunt and uncle invited all their friends and family over to celebrate. I had honestly never seen anything like it before! All the food, the music, the people, the tree, the multi-colored wrapped presents—it was sensory overload!

    It was as if magic was happening right before my very eyes.

    I remember sitting quietly in the corner trying to make sense of everything I was seeing, because up to that point it had always been just my mom and me, celebrating on our own in a much less extravagant way.

    After warming up a little bit to the guests, I sat down at one of the longest dining room tables I’ve ever seen, even to this day.

    “Are you going to start eating, child?” one of the guests sitting next to me asked.

    I nodded, and she filled my plate up with foods made up of exquisite colors, flavors, and textures, the likes of which I had never experienced before. I can remember actually pinching myself to make sure I was not dreaming.

    Later in the evening, we heard sounds outside of the front door that resembled bells. The adults all started to clamor and make a big spectacle to encourage my great aunt’s daughter and me (the only kids there) to get excited, because someone very special had arrived.

    We then heard loud knocks at the door. It was Santa Claus!

    In Lebanon, Santas look less like American Santas with a white beard and jolly face, and more like a Halloween character, because they wear a plastic Santa Claus mask

    I remember being frightened of this Santa, but one of the adults in the room assured me he was safe and friendly. I was still a little hesitant, but soon warmed up to him.

    Now that Santa Claus had arrived, it was time to open up the shiny, packaged presents. I think there must have been more than a hundred presents under the tree.

    One by one, Santa passed out all the presents. Everyone sat in a circle, and everyone opened their gifts, one person at a time.

    It was such a lovely sight to see each person receiving their gifts. And it was especially fun to see my cousin, who was the same age as I was, so full of joy with each present she opened.

    It was also funny to see how impatient she would get, because she had literally received forty to fifty gifts, and had to wait her turn to open them.

    As the last present was opened, I felt like I was in a euphoric, almost dream-like state after all the joy I had witnessed.

    While I was in this state, one of the adult guests turned to me, and with what seemed to be a particularly loud voice, asked, “Where are your gifts?”

    I remember explaining to him that my mom and I usually drew pictures and sang songs as our Christmas gifts to each other, but that she was at work right now and would be coming back for me soon.

    I also shared that I was happy just watching others celebrate, because I had never seen such magic before.

    The guest looked a little confused by my answer, and then announced to everyone what had just happened: that I was the only one, and a child, mind you, who had not received a gift.

    Although I now know that the guest meant well, his announcement shifted the energy of the room from one of joyful celebration to one of utter silence, where all eyes were looking at me with sympathy.

    The adults’ comments poured in: “Oh, how sad!” and “I feel so bad for him!” while others asked me if I was okay.

    I wasn’t really sure why everyone’s behavior had changed so quickly, but I do remember wondering if something was wrong with me because of what had just happened.

    A few adults hugged me and said things like, maybe I needed to be a better boy in the coming year so that Santa wouldn’t do that again.

    And then came the comment that I now consider one the greatest gifts I’ve ever received.

    “You’d think this child was invisible, the way he was forgotten!” one of the adults stated.

    In that moment, I excused myself and walked to the bathroom, while still keeping a smile on my face, as though none of the comments and behaviors in the room had fazed me, even though inside I felt quite the opposite.

    As I think back now, I really admire how that little kid in me was able to keep it together the way he did.

    While in the bathroom, after processing through the embarrassment I had just experienced and feeling sorry for myself, I remember having a deep inner sense that one day when I was grown, I would understand why all of this had happened.

    Flashing forward to present day, I wondered why this specific memory kept coming up in my awareness.

    Was it because of the holidays? Why had it not come up much before? So I meditated on it, and asked the Universe, what purpose did this memory have in my life, at this present time?

    Within about a minute, I received the following message:

    “Because of this and several other similar experiences you have had in your life, where you were made to feel invisible and as though you did not exist, you received one of your greatest gifts in life. You received the gift of compassion. Not to be mistaken with sympathy, which you personally experienced on that Christmas Eve, where all the guests felt sorry for you.

    “You received the gift of being able to connect with the true essence of a person, where you know only wholeness resides.

    “If you notice, you have since made it your greatest priority in life for others to feel seen, heard, acknowledged and understood for who they really are. So although your gift that Christmas Eve didn’t come in a shiny wrapped package, you truly received the greatest gift of all.”

    After receiving this message, I instantly felt a joy rise up in my being and felt as though I was lit up like a Christmas tree. An epic healing had just taken place within me, and a full resolution had been made.

    Looking back, that Christmas Eve really did bless me with one of the greatest gifts one could ever receive. It led me down a path to where I was able to connect with people on a heart-to-heart level. What a gift! For that, I am forever grateful.

    I share this experience with the hope that you too are able to recognize the gifts you’ve been blessed with, even if they were birthed during times of great challenge.

    As you look back over this past year, you might be wondering what gifts could possibly be hidden inside times of loss or struggle.

    But there is always a gift. A journey of physical pain can lead to knowledge about healing. Financial hardship can lead to an understanding of true abundance. An emotional loss can lead to the realization that love is something we create within ourselves.

    Whatever challenges you’ve faced, take a moment and ask yourself, “What gift have I gained from this experience?”

    You may have many gifts that lie unseen, waiting for you to claim them. Tap into the wisdom that will show you those gifts.

    I know there are great blessings there, waiting for you to open up and receive them.

    Gingerbread cookie image via Shutterstock

  • Change How You Feel by Changing Your Perspective

    Change How You Feel by Changing Your Perspective

    Woman Looking Out Window

    “Instead of complaining that the rose bush is full of thorns, be happy the thorn bush has roses.” ~Proverb

    While I was a going through what I considered the worst divorce in history, I remember waking up every day thinking throughout the day what a horrible thing divorce was. I wondered how other people had gone through it and come out with their sanity, and not marred with cynicism about love and life.

    For a year, all I saw was the negative in everything, including my ex-husband, my life circumstances, and most of all myself.

    My husband was fighting for me to pay him alimony, I was supporting three kids on one income, my mother had sided with ex-husband, and I found out my best friend was a heroin addict. I had bills upon bills to pay, was struggling to make ends meet, and it seemed like every check I wrote bounced.

    I could not wrap my mind around why all of this was happening at one time, and I felt like giving up on most days because there was no good in the world.

    Depression came and wrapped me up, and I could not break free from seeing the worst in every situation and imagining that more of the worst would happen.

    Then one day I realized that, as miserable as I was and as much as I wanted my situation to change, it was not going to, at least not in the moment I wanted it to.

    I realized that there was only one thing I could change, and that was my perspective and how I looked at everything.

    I decided that I could look at my life in one of two ways: either I was destined to be punished eternally and live a miserable life full of pain, hurt, and guilt; or I was going through all of this because the Universe knew I was strong enough to bear it and I would come out stronger, better, and happier than if I did not go through it.

    I choose the latter.

    When I decided to change my perspective, I felt comforted to know that all that I was going through had a purpose, even if I did not understand it. I found a peace in knowing that I could change my mood in an instant by changing my perspective.

    We all go through tough times, but how we view what we are going through is completely up to us.

    Even after I realized the importance of perspective, I still had moments when I let the negative invade. When that happened, I thought of the following to shift my mind back to a place of peace.

    Nothing lasts forever.

    There is no emotion or situation that will last forever. Life ebbs and flows, and the good and bad in life will come and go, eternally.

    This world is a dual world.

    The physical world and what we see and feel is not all there is. There is a world of spirit and purpose underneath it, and no matter what it looks like on the outside, there is much more going on beneath the circumstances we perceive as negative.

    If I can remember that and tap into the deeper meaning behind what I am experiencing, then I can accept what I am going through with greater ease.

    We have a choice in how we view things.

    Today, I look back on all that I have been through in the past year and instead of feeling angry, bitter, or consumed by it, I feel that so much has come from it.

    I started a second job to help with the bills and consequently I have found my passion in teaching, something I have always had a desire to do.

    I have built wonderful relationships with the friends that supported me through the tough times and I know that I can go through tough times and not break.

    Somewhere along the way, I was able to find the silver lining in my rainbow, and you can too.

    Take a look at your life and think of the many tough times you have endured and the many blessings that have arisen from them.

    You have a chance to find the bright side to your situation, no matter how tough it seems, by only changing your view and identifying the positive of every experience. There is a lesson in the pain and there is a beautiful rose in your thorn bush.

    Remember, changing your perspective is like changing the window through which you view the world. When you change how you view the world, you change how you feel about it.

    Woman looking out window image via Shutterstock

  • Why You Feel Alone with Your Feelings and Why You Never Are

    Why You Feel Alone with Your Feelings and Why You Never Are

    Man Alone

    “Life is actually really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” ~Confucius

    There were times when I felt that my thoughts had complete control over my life. I could convince myself of anything, really. My thoughts would rarely lift me up and, instead, convince me I would fail.

    I would fail at relationships. I would fail at my job. I told myself I was a failure.

    I honestly believed that I was the only one who experienced this level of personal rejection. Of course, I knew that it wasn’t unique to me because I knew other people struggled with self-confidence.

    Yet, the people in my life never talked about their lives in this way.

    After years of feeling like this, I began to convince myself that I was indeed alone—nobody else could possibly have these crazy thoughts and feelings. As an introvert, even I wasn’t always comfortable talking about it.

    I wanted to know why my stomach always hurt before I talked in front of people, why I always sweat when I was nervous, and why I pushed people away, even though I desperately wanted to feel connected.

    As I discovered more about myself, I realized that I interpreted my emotions rather than actually experiencing them.

    For instance, I continue to get nervous before I formally speak in front of people. I don’t know if this will ever go away. As an introvert, it’s just not something I’m 100% comfortable with. In the past, I would turn this fear into a story.

    “I shouldn’t be nervous. I am better than this. I hate when I get this nervous because everyone will notice. I will look like a fool.” You tell yourself this often enough and you start to believe these stories. It becomes your identity.

    Now, I accept that I am fearful before giving a speech. That’s okay. It’s a human experience and it’s uncomfortable for people like me.

    I notice it and experience it for what it is. I don’t allow myself to make it something it’s not, and the nerves no longer snowball into the sweats, the stomach pain, the anxiety.

    I did this for so long because I couldn’t accept who I was. I wanted to be something I wasn’t. I marveled at people who appeared to be so confident and put together all the time. I wanted to be someone else, and I beat myself up whenever I didn’t meet those standards.

    The mind is a powerful thing—we all know this—so powerful it starts to analyze our basic human feelings, emotions, and experiences.

    Over time, this can cause debilitating anxiety or depression.

    After years of feeling this way, I got to a point where I was just exhausted. It was my own rock bottom.

    As an introverted guy, the biggest lesson I had to learn was that it is okay to feel emotions. That was the first step.

    At a deeper level though, it is also human to feel anything. This is just as natural as breathing, swallowing, chewing, and sneezing.

    I had to stop trying to control it all.

    It doesn’t mean I go around crying, laughing, and yelling at the world around me. I am just aware of my emotions, simply for what they are. Not intellectually aware, experientially aware.

    When we become aware of our feelings, thoughts no longer have the power to interpret them into something they’re not.

    I now understand that this is what connects all of us as people—our innate ability to experience life rather than analyze it.

    We are all capable of this.

    Despite this, why do we default to analyzing rather than experiencing our emotions? For one, I don’t believe we are taught and encouraged to talk about emotions. As a guy, this especially rings true. We are told from a young age to just buck up and figure it out.

    To the best of our ability at the time, we also try and protect ourselves from the world around us. Perhaps it was something we learned to cope as a child or young adult. The emotions were there but for whatever reason, we didn’t allow ourselves or were unable to experience them.

    But those emotions don’t just go away. So we busy ourselves to take our minds off of it. We rationalize how we feel (yet don’t actually feel). We overeat to mask how we are really feeling. Our stomachs continue to churn. We don’t sleep as well. We joke about our situation to make us feel better.

    We consciously or unconsciously build layer upon layer of protection, which only covers up what’s really going on.

    Only when we begin to peel away these layers and experience the pain we’ve covered up for so long can we begin to heal. The intellectual mind cannot do this because it continues to want to control and interpret how we feel.

    The more I peeled away these layers, the more I was able to let go of who I thought I should be and to experience the pain I’d held on to for so long.

    I thought I should be more successful. I thought I should be more driven. I thought I should be a better son, athlete, student, friend, and boyfriend. It was never enough.

    Only when I experienced the pain of the shame I felt as a younger guy, who made mistakes but did the best he could at the time, was I able to let go of that pain.

    The fascinating thing is after I experienced that pain, it no longer ate away at me. There was nothing to hide or cover up anymore. It was so simple. All of that pain was simply gone after years of it buried beneath protective layers of security.

    I let go of what should have been and experienced what was.

    The more you let go of control, the more you are able to experience an abundant life. The good, the bad, the beautiful, the ugly, the happy, the sad—they’re all part of the human experience. When we allow ourselves to experience all of it, we can then set ourselves free.

    We no longer act from a place of fear but rather a place of awareness.

    Start by allowing yourself to sit with your thoughts. As a thought arises, observe it for what it is—a thought, something this is not a part of your identity. Detach yourself from thoughts and, as you begin to separate thought from experience, you will see the two are vastly different.

    So, there really isn’t anything important in life to we need to make sense of, intellectually. Life is what it is and how we experience it. We need to remind ourselves of this:

    It’s perfectly okay to be human.

    Remember there are many other people out there struggling with some of the same things you are. After all, we are all human.

    We are not alone.

    Man sitting alone image via Shutterstock

  • Accepting, Feeling, and Releasing Painful Emotions

    Accepting, Feeling, and Releasing Painful Emotions

    “Eventually you will come to realize that love heals everything, and love is all there is.” ~Gary Zukav

    Last year I developed some unexplained symptoms that could be likened to IBS, Chron’s disease, or even morning sickness (although I wasn’t pregnant, so there was no promise of a baby to make it all worth it).

    I had no idea what caused it, why it was there, or what to do about it.

    This shook me because I’d always had a strong intuitive connection with my body and I had always been healthy, but now when I asked my body a question, there was just silence.

    It was as if a thick fog had parked right between my inner wisdom and me, blocking my channel of intuitive guidance about what to eat, what to avoid, and what was really going on underneath it all. It was so quiet—there weren’t even any crickets!

    With my intuition evading me, I was stuck in the surface level “real” world to manage it. I was dealing with debilitating symptoms every day that were, bit by bit, wearing down my strength and self-control, until one day I crumbled in a heap.

    I had decided to practice what I preach and do something nourishing, despite how terrible I felt. So I got my yoga mat with the intention of pushing through my discomfort to do something that would probably make me feel better. As soon as I felt that mat underneath my feet, I felt safe, I felt nurtured, I felt held.

    I had entered a place where I could go deep and be real. I wasn’t expecting my yoga mat to hold me like the compassionate embrace of a lifelong friend, but that’s exactly what it did, and I surrendered to it.

    Once the flow of tears began, there was no way I could stop it. The pain of the everyday struggle, the expectations I had of myself as a mother, the disappointment I felt from not being capable of living my life to the fullest, and the resentment I had toward “everyone else,” who could eat what they wanted without suffering the way that I was… it all came out.

    And underneath it was frustration, then anger, then self-hatred, then rage, then emptiness, silence, and peace.

    I didn’t have any revelations as to what this was all about or how to fix it, but I simply allowed myself to release everything that had been building up inside of me. And just when I thought the tears were done, more would flow. I screamed, I pounded the mat, and I breathed deeply until only peace remained.

    Here’s what I took away from that experience.

    1. Trust is essential.

    Because my intuition went quiet, I stopped trusting myself. I had forgotten that my body was communicating with me in the only way that it could. I didn’t think to look for the lesson or meaning in it all.

    Once I had released all my tears and pain, my sense of self-trust returned and I was able to bring myself back to a space of gratitude and openness.

    Trusting that there is something to gain from your experience will help you to remain open to it rather than feeling bad about it.

    2. It’s okay to cry.

    Crying is not a sign of weakness but rather a sign of strength, self-respect, and love.

    You need to honor your urges to cry. Not only does it clear and release anything that you’ve been holding in, crying also connects you with the present and allows you to be your most authentic self, even if you’re alone like I was.

    3. Self-compassion is a game-changer.

    Once I let out all of the self-hatred that I had been holding onto, I made space for self-compassion.

    I spoke lovingly to myself, I acknowledged the challenges that I had been facing, and I offered myself the nurturing and love that I had previously been searching for outside of myself.

    Being your own friend is a powerful skill that can keep you strong and grounded in the face of adversity.

    4. There’s no need to fear what’s inside of you.

    It might seem dark and terrifying when you look at what you’re hiding inside of you, but there is not a single part of you that won’t benefit from being loved, accepted, and respected.

    Shed some light onto the darkness; give each part of you a voice to express its needs, its pain, and its story. Once you realize that your inner demons cannot hurt you, you take away the power they once held over you and can start loving yourself unconditionally.

    5. We all need a sacred space to be vulnerable.

    We all need a space where we can explore, accept, heal, and (learn to) love ourselves.

    For me it was the yoga mat, but for you it may be your meditation cushion, your local park or beach, or even in your bed.

    Find or create a loving and unconditional space where you can be raw, honest, and vulnerable. Visit it whenever you get a sense that something within is ready to shift and release.

    Surrender into the strong support of your sacred space, and remember that it’s safe to let your feelings flow. It may even be the best thing for you.

  • One Mind Live: Free Holiday Week of Peace & Customized Meditation Giveaway

    One Mind Live: Free Holiday Week of Peace & Customized Meditation Giveaway

    One Mind Live

    You’ve likely read about the benefits of meditation, and you’ve maybe even experienced them for yourself.

    Meditation can help you:

    • Reduce your stress
    • Increase your focus
    • Enhance your creativity
    • Deepen your sleep
    • Heighten your sense of presence
    • Improve your mood and overall well-being

    And yet knowing all these things, you may find it difficult to maintain a consistent practice. Even if you have the time, it be challenging to shut out distractions, shut off your brain, and simply be. I know I’ve struggled with this.

    It can be even more difficult because it’s usually a solitary pursuit—but it doesn’t have to be.

    Introducing One Mind Live

    My good friend Naomi Janzen, creator of the Remindfulness app and one of the experts featured in my Recreate Your Life Story eCourse, has recently launched a powerful new global online meditation site, with psychotherapist and spiritual teacher Naomi Carling and award winning composer Stephen Fearnley.

    It’s the world’s first and only weekly, live, guided, worldwide online meditation group.

    The site offers fifty-two unique guided meditations throughout the year—and it’s non-denominational, making it accessible to all.

    It’s easier than traditional seated meditation, in that it’s guided; it’s more enjoyable, with soothing music from composer Stephen Fearnley; and it’s more powerful, due to the Maharishi Effect, which essentially means that a large group of people having a spiritual experience together magnify each other’s energies.

    And perhaps most unique, every session starts with ten minutes of EFT Tapping with Naomi Janzen to put you in the ‘zone,’ so you don’t need to be in the mood to meditate when you start.

    Scientifically proven to alter brainwave activity, EFT (or “Emotional Freedom Techniques”) puts you in a state of relaxation, stimulating the release of anti-stress hormones in your body.

    While you can always access an on-demand recording of the weekly guided meditation on the One Mind Live membership site, there are five group replays—meaning six total weekly chances to reap the benefits of global group meditation.

    I’m a huge fan of Naomi’s work; I swear by her iPhone app for daily mindfulness and I’ve benefitted tremendously from EFT tapping with her.

    I couldn’t be more thrilled to share this new online community with you so you too can reap these benefits—and more.

    The Free Holiday Week of Peace

    While One Mind Live offers three membership options—including a monthly one that costs the same for four weeks as a single yoga class in many cities—you can experience all the benefits of membership for free during next week’s special “Holiday Week of Peace” open house.

    From December 24th through January 1st you’ll have free access to a powerful global meditation, with five group replays, so you can find a time that fits within your schedule.

    All you need to do is visit One Mind Live here and provide your email address; then you’ll instantly receive a free gift, and you’ll receive a reminder about the meditation on the 24th.

    The Customized Guided Meditation Giveaway

    If you choose to join One Mind Live after the free week, you’ll be entered into a giveaway for something very rare and special: a free, fully customized thirty-minute guided meditation, made just for you by Naomi, Stephen, and Naomi.

    It will include an original music score, ten minutes of custom, tap-along EFT, and a guided twenty-minute meditation based on the specific goals you have and issues you’d like addressed (after a consultation with the founders).

    You will be able to meditate to this MP3 as often as you like, and you can choose to share it with friends or keep it just for yourself. This is not available anywhere else and would cost thousands of dollars to commission.

    All you need to do to enter this giveaway is forward the membership purchase confirmation email from One Mind Live to OML@tinybuddha.com between now and January 31st at midnight PST.

    Whether you choose to join or not, you can try One Mind Live for free during the Holiday Week of Peace, with no obligation or strings attached (no billing info required), by visiting One Mind Live here.

    I hope you enjoy it as much as I have—and I hope you have a peaceful holiday week!

  • How To Change The Past By Changing Your Thinking

    How To Change The Past By Changing Your Thinking

    “The most positive action we can take about the past is to change our perception of it.” ~Deepak Chopra

    Death didn’t happen quickly like in the movies.

    A compassionate nurse set the tone and gently guided us through the ordeal. Mom, Dad, my other brother, and I spread out so that one of us held each of Chris’ hands and feet with a person at his head. Time passed in slow motion.

    In horror, I watched for more than an hour as his breathing abated, with the pauses in between his raspy, strained breaths becoming longer and longer. I fervently sent him love and light and wished him peace as I watched the scene unfold through my tears.

    Chris’ lips were chapped and cracked from breathing oxygen through a mask for weeks. A piece of skin on his upper lip fluttered with each breath, but in the prolonged pauses between breaths, it lay still. Each time the skin went inert, I thought, “This is it.”

    But he would take another shallow breath one more time until the flap was frozen and his chest motionless forever. Putting a stethoscope over his heart, the nurse said, “It’s awfully quiet in there.”

    It was New Year’s Eve 1995. After two years of rapidly declining health, Chris, my brother with the wicked sense of humor, flawless taste, and the ability to make me believe he was invincible, succumbed to AIDs at the age of thirty-three.

    In the years following his death, I numbly went on with my life, like I was supposed to, like I had to. Being the mother of two beautiful, energetic young boys, there was plenty to be happy about and thankful for, but I only grew more depressed as the gruesome scenes of Chris’ sickness and death played on an endless loop in my head.

    As time passed, Chris became a distant memory, like a book I knew I’d read once but couldn’t quite recall. I knew how the story ended, but the details were blurred behind a cloud of hurt.

    Over the years, the highlights reel of the ugliness from my eighteen-year marriage and divorce got equal mental airtime along with the drama from a subsequent tumultuous three-year relationship.

    Eleven years after that New Year’s Eve in the hospital, I found myself a depressed, divorced, single mother with no idea who I was or why I was here.

    I couldn’t find anything resembling the strong, smart, feisty sister Chris had loved. In a pill-popping stunt, I tried to commit suicide, which only made things worse—much worse—resulting in a serious brain injury and losing custody of my boys.

    While healing from the suicide attempt, I realized that I had been torturing myself with the painful memories. I was doing it to myself! While this point may be apparent to some, it was a huge “aha” for me, and I also realized that if I was doing it, I could stop it.

    Yes, Chris died and went through a horrible illness. Yes, there were many messy times from my marriage, and hurts from the following relationship. All of it really did happen—no denying that—but I was the one keeping the pain alive and bringing it into the present.

    It really boiled down to making the decision not to do this to myself anymore.

    Because of neuroplasticity, the scientifically proven ability of our brains to change form and function based on repeated behaviors, emotions, and thoughts, the more I dwelled on the sad memories, the more I reinforced them.   

    “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” This saying, from the work of Donald Hebb, means that synapses, the connections between neurons, get more sensitive and new neurons grow when activated repeatedly together.

    Our brains also add a subjective tint to our memories by subconsciously factoring in who you are and what you believe and feel at the time of the recollection. The act of remembering changes a memory. So, as I became more depressed and hopeless, the memories became darker.

    But the good news is that the reverse is also true. Neural connections that are relatively inactive wither away, and a person can consciously influence the process in a positive, healthier way. I made the memories stronger and more painful, and I could make them weaker and more loving.

    Through mindfulness and meditation, I learned to become aware of and take control of my thoughts and mind. By realizing my subconscious influences and consciously choosing which ones I allowed to have impact and intentionally inserting new ones, I changed my past.

    Not literally, of course. But by pairing more positive thoughts and emotions with negative memories and feelings and modifying my perspective about past events, I changed their role in my present, which, in turn, altered my brain and life for the better.

    The goal is not to resist painful memories or experiences and grasp at or try to force positive ones instead. That’s almost impossible and leads to its own kind of suffering.

    In his book, Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom, Rick Hanson writes:

    To gradually replace negative implicit memories with positive ones, just make the positive aspects prominent and relatively intense in the foreground of your awareness while simultaneously placing the negative material in the background….

    Because of all the ways your brain changes its structure, your experience matters beyond its momentary, subjective impact. It makes enduring changes in the physical tissues of your brain which affect your well-being, functioning and relationships.  

    If your head is filled with painful memories of the past, I want you to know that you can change this! I did.

    I certainly still remember Chris’ tragic illness and death, but I choose to focus on the times we laughed so hard that we got the “gigglesnorts.” I prefer to see him on the dance floor working up a sweat. I recall how much he loved me and that adored feeling I had when I was with him.

    I even view his death differently now. Instead of feeling the horror and shock of that night, I can now feel the love and support for him and one another in that hospital room.

    In any life, past and present, there’s always going to be pain, joy, and everything in between. Your experience of your life and your brain are shaped by what you choose to focus on. You can torture yourself with the past or choose better feeling thoughts and memories.

    It really is that simple. Simple, but not easy.