Tiny Buddha

Category: Blog

  • We All Deserve to Receive What We Need (and It’s Not Selfish)

    We All Deserve to Receive What We Need (and It’s Not Selfish)

    Woman with Open Arms

    “We think that we have to learn how to give, but we forget about accepting things, which can be much harder than giving…Accepting another person’s gift is allowing him to express his feelings for you.” ~Alexander McCall Smith

    We all know the importance of giving. In fact, it feels rather nice to give to others; we have all experienced that warm glow in the stomach when we do something thoughtful for another person or exchange kind words. To make someone smile is one of the best feelings in the world.

    But sometimes, do we get so caught up in the giving that we forget to receive? And in doing so, do we give too much?

    I have always been a people pleaser.

    My parents were divorced when I was five years old. It was a complicated situation, one that I didn’t fully understand as a child.

    My sister and I grew up with our grandparents, having contact with our dad during holidays, while the contact with our mum dwindled down to nothing.

    I hadn’t realized until recently that my five-year-old self felt completely abandoned by my parents. We never talked about the situation as a family; feelings were not something you shared, so they stayed bottled up.

    I grew up with the belief, deep down, that my parents left me because I wasn’t good enough.

    As a consequence, I tried my best to be as agreeable as I could to everyone around me. This meant having no opinion, going along with what others wanted all the time, not communicating my needs, and trying my best not to upset anyone.

    Then maybe, I would be good enough to love. This was pretty exhausting.

    I developed OCD for a period of time, frequently staying in the bathroom for hours, performing hand-washing rituals until my hands were raw and brushing my teeth until my gums bled.

    If I performed these rituals, bad things wouldn’t happen anymore. My granddad, who developed terminal cancer, eventually gave up his battle to the disease after a long period of suffering, and the rituals stopped.

    Instead, I sunk further into depression.

    As a result of my negative thinking patterns and my deeply held beliefs, I fell into a series of damaging relationships.

    Just wanting to be loved, by them, by anyone, I desperately tried to make things work with guys who were either not right for me or, more often than not, emotionally unavailable. I was replicating the relationships that I had known from my childhood.

    Relationships are equal give and take, not the constant giving that I had developed in the hope of making people love me back. Instead, ironically, this pushed people away.

    The thing was, I was desperately looking for love, when deep down, I didn’t like let alone love myself. Secretly, I believed I didn’t deserve to be loved. I wasn’t good enough for anyone; what could I offer to anyone?

    I would sleep with men early on in the relationship, figuring that giving my body was the only thing of worth that I could offer.

    It all came to a head when yet another relationship failed. Each time, the other person ended the relationship, which dealt a blow to my already fragile sense of self-esteem.

    I’d slide into depressive episodes with scary frequency, when I would cry constantly, finding it a mammoth task to even just get out of bed, having no interest in life and isolating myself from people.

    Then one day, I had serious thoughts of ending my life. It was then that I knew it was time to change.

    Reaching out and receiving the help I needed was the best decision of my life. I spoke to my GP who referred me on to a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy counsellor.

    This time, I was completely honest about what I was feeling; I told them about the suicidal thoughts, about not wanting to be here anymore so I wouldn’t feel the constant pain.

    It felt like a weight had been lifted. I was able to tell them everything. I have had counselling before, but it hadn’t been right for me. Like most things, you need to keep trying until you find what speaks to you.

    CBT, which challenges negative thoughts, helped me to realize that I was automatically thinking negatively. It showed me that my thoughts were not fact. I started to understand about my deeply held beliefs, which colored everything I thought.

    Above all, it showed me that I actually had needs and wants; there were things that I wanted to do with my time and not just go along passively with other peoples’ decisions.

    In giving all my time and attention to others and not taking the time to receive back from them, I was hiding from the fact that I didn’t feel I was worth other peoples’ efforts.

    I was hiding from myself that I had deep-rooted issues that needed to be dealt with—and that I needed people to help me to do this.

    There are a few things that I have learned through therapy:

    1. Show yourself that you are worth caring for by starting to care for yourself.

    A tendency of people pleasers is to give relentlessly without a thought for themselves. Take time for yourself, pamper yourself—do something kind for yourself each day.

    2. Allow others to help you when it is needed, and don’t be scared to reach out.

    You can start with small things, like asking a friend to pick up a parcel for you when they are passing the shop.

    3. Surround yourself with people who help make you feel good about yourself.

    I’m so lucky to have an incredibly supportive and loving sister who listens to me and helps when times are tough as well as good. Spend as much time as possible with people who reinforce your self-worth, not bring it down.

    4. Say “no” occasionally.

    It’s important to assess what your needs and wants are and communicate these with people. Saying “no” sometimes does not make you selfish; it means you are taking care of yourself, and you will attract more respect from others as a result.

    5. Keep a positive journal.

    Note anything that happens that makes you feel good—positive feedback from a boss, a kind word from your friend, a compliment from a stranger—and remember to accept these, not dismiss them.

    6. Think about what you want from life.

    Think about what makes you tick and therefore a more contented person, able to receive from others.

    I’ve discovered my passion for photography, which has built up my confidence and therefore lessened my need to please people all the time.

    7. Don’t be scared to have an opinion.

    Occasionally, we really don’t mind either way. But if you do genuinely have an opinion on something, don’t be scared to speak up. People want to know the real you, not someone you think they want.

    —

    I am working through this journey of self-discovery, and no doubt, always will be.

    I am learning to accept the good things that people do for me and the kind words they say. I’ve realized that you don’t have to be perfect for people to love you. You don’t have to constantly give for people to want to spend time with you.

    I am enough.

    For the first time in my life, I’m devoting the time and attention I normally would reserve solely for other people to myself. You don’t want to forget about others, but you also don’t want to forget about yourself.

    In doing so, I’m building up my sense of self-worth and becoming more able to accept love from others. And just maybe, I’m also letting that other person feel a warm glow in their stomach too.

    Woman with open arms image via Shutterstock

  • A Simple Shift in Perspective That Can Improve Your Relationships

    A Simple Shift in Perspective That Can Improve Your Relationships

    Friends Holding Hands

    “I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.” ~Gary Spence

    Right after college, I joined AmeriCorps. Not really knowing what I wanted to do with my life, I decided to apply for a program teaching classes on HIV/AIDS. I knew a little about the subject, but I have family members affected by the disease.

    A couple of cities hosted the program, and I was accepted into the Chicago one. I’m from a small town in Colorado and, to me, Chicago was a huge city. Well, it is the third largest city in the US, but as people will tell you, it’s no New York City.

    After receiving extensive training and settling in, I was assigned to a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center mostly serving low-income minorities. I was a part of the health education unit.

    One of my first classes was to teach a group of incarcerated men transitioning back into society. I was going to teach them about HIV/AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases.

    Admittedly, I was nervous. Why would any of these guys pay attention to me? Are they even going to like me? These thoughts were racing through my head. 

    I remember walking into the classroom for the first time. It’s one of those moments you can vividly remember every detail of. Imagine a young white kid, plaid shirt tucked in, walking into a room of mostly African American men from poor Chicago neighborhoods.

    As I awkwardly walked into the room, everyone went silent. Perhaps it was my perception of that moment, but I have a distinct memory of the room falling silent and heads turning toward me. As a quiet guy, it was not something I reveled in.

    I can only imagine who they thought this nerdy looking guy was and what he was doing there. In that moment, I asked myself the same question. I was scared.

    As I made some small talk and introduced myself individually to them, the class started. Talking to people I didn’t know was hard enough, so this was a huge step for me.

    As I took a deep breath and tried to fully immerse myself in that moment, I said something that, looking back, would set the tone for the entire duration of the class.

    I said something like this: “As you now know, I’m going to be teaching you all about your health. But, it’s not about me teaching you. You all know a lot more than I do, and I want to let you know that I’m also here to learn from you.”

    The room fell silent for a couple of seconds. Then, one of the guys in the back of the room yelled, “Shawn, that’s not a problem. After I get out, I’ll give you a tour of the South Side. You’ll learn a lot real quick!”

    Other guys starting chiming in and laughing. I didn’t know if they were laughing at me or with me. But then, another guy reassured me and said, “Shawn, you’re going to do just fine. You’ll fit right in.” They welcomed me in and I felt at ease, like a weight was lifted off.

    Through this experience, I learned an important lesson about the human condition and personal relationships.

    I could have taught them all the facts in the world about HIV/AIDS and what they should and should not be doing. Anyone can do that. But to connect on a deeper level, to truly understand them, I had to remove my own biases.

    It was the first time I actually had to put myself in someone else’s shoes. I had to see things from their perspective before I could teach them anything. I had to truly understand where they were coming from. I had to understand their struggles, triumphs, and wisdom.

    There is a great story about a professor visiting a Japanese Zen Master. The professor wants to learn about Zen. He arrives and the Master begins pouring him a cup of tea.

    As the cup fills up, the Master continues to pour until the cup is overflowing. Astonished, the professor exclaims, “The tea cup is full. Why do you keep pouring?!”

    The Zen Master says, “You are full of knowledge. But before you learn Zen, you must first empty your tea cup.”

    For many years, I didn’t truly understand this lesson. Intellectually, I thought I understood the concept. But in that moment in Chicago, I experienced it. Looking back, I didn’t connect the lesson to that moment. It just felt like the right thing to do.

    To connect with people on a deeper level, you have to empty your own tea cup. Whether you are a son, daughter, mother, father, partner, spouse, teacher, student, mentor, coach, or supervisor, you have to be open to the wisdom of other people rather than intellectually try to figure them out.

    Over the next couple of months, we all grew closer together and they taught me more than I could have ever taught them.

    They had the experiential knowledge and the real world experience. They were open to learning the intellectual knowledge, but if I hadn’t let them know I was open to them, it could have easily become one-sided.

    I could have talked at them instead of with them.

    On the last day of class, we had some fun and talked about what we all learned in the class.

    At the end of class, the same guy on the first day of class spoke up again. “Shawn, don’t forget about our tour of the South Side.”

    We all laughed. We wished each other well and parted ways.

    Some of those guys I would see again in the building, and I often stopped by to say hello. I hoped the best for them, even though many of them (as they informed me) would end up back in the system.

    I never did see the man who offered me a tour. I frequently wonder if he ever made it. I may have taken him up on his offer.

    Those guys probably don’t remember me now, but I will never forget that experience and the wisdom they shared.

    We all connected on a deeper level, and a room full of strangers became some of my greatest teachers.

    Friends holding hands image via Shutterstock

  • Radically Accept What Is Instead of Labeling it “Good” or “Bad”

    Radically Accept What Is Instead of Labeling it “Good” or “Bad”

    Peaceful Woman

    “The boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom.” ~Tara Brach

    I was in the heart of my Ph.D. program when I received the diagnoses: OCD, depression, and binge eating disorder.

    It explained a lot, of course. All those years of anxiety, self-doubt, and intrusive thoughts were not normal after all. Eating to the point of gaining forty pounds in a few months was foreign to most people.

    I wanted an explanation. Why me?

    I had done everything right: I made a decent living, I was kind to everyone, and I was presenting my scientific research at international conferences. Why was I being punished?

    I turned to my past and looked for an explanation—something I could pin the blame on. Was it my parents? Had years of moving from place to place as a military child scarred me?

    What about my peers? Those uncomfortable years of being teased and bullied for my grades and general good-girl behavior must have led to this.

    Perhaps I was to blame? Had I overachieved my way to a mental health breakdown? Had I failed myself?

    Those first few months of therapy were the most difficult. I was forced to face all these questions and more, digging into my past and present with both fervor and hesitation. What if I didn’t like the person I found underneath all these layers of expectations?

    As I stripped away the beliefs I held about myself, I watched as my worst fears came to life. It appeared that I was to blame after all. I had allowed myself to take on everyone else’s feelings about me and make them my own.

    My self-identity was a conglomeration of things I had been told over the years. I was smart, I was capable, I was good, I was bossy, I was sweet, I was stubborn, and I was so many other adjectives.

    There was nothing inherently wrong with these descriptors, particularly the positive traits, but I didn’t necessarily relate to all of them.

    My family saw me as “a sweet girl,” when I felt more tart than saccharine.

    People told me I was book smart, when I knew that I was a good mix of both academic intelligence and common sense.

    Some who were uncomfortable with women in power called me bossy, when really I was assertive.

    I had brought this breakdown on myself, I thought. How could I have let others define who I would become? Why was I so weak?

    It was around this time that one of my therapists introduced me to the idea of radical acceptance.

    It’s a concept based in Buddhist philosophy that is used by psychologists to help their clients heal and accept challenges in their lives.

    Rather than encouraging us to decide whether something is good or bad, as we often do automatically, radical acceptance encourages us to simply accept that things are.

    We have a tendency to apply labels to things. In my story, I had been labeled as smart, an overachiever, a worrywart, and other things. In turn, I labeled my newfound mental health situation as a misfortune, a major obstacle, a life changer, and other (mostly negative) things.

    Imagine how much more freeing it would be to live a life apart from labels! The key to this mindset, of course, is to realize that your feelings about an event do not change the event itself.

    Let’s say you got into a car accident. You may feel angry, hurt, frustrated, and many other emotions. Those are all valid feelings, and you have a right to experience them.

    But your anger won’t undo the accident. The accident happened. The accident is.

    Let’s take this one step further, however.

    After the accident you become angry that you have become frustrated. How could you allow yourself to get worked up over something that you can no longer control?

    You can also attempt to radically accept your feelings.

    Your emotional reactions are natural, and it’s counterintuitive to get worked up over what you “should” be feeling. What you are feeling is neither a bad nor a good thing, it simply is.

    What situations might you apply radical acceptance to in your daily life?

    • You wake up later than you planned to.
    • Your cat throws up on your new rug.
    • You fail a test that you prepared for extensively.
    • Your partner overdrew the checking account.
    • You didn’t get the raise you were expecting at work.

    Imagine accepting each of these events as something outside your control and training yourself to not get worked up over unexpected circumstances.

    This is not an easy task, and it will take time to incorporate the practice into your daily life. Be gentle to yourself.

    —

    I dropped out of my Ph.D. program after my first year of therapy. My journey into my brain showed me that I was heading down a path that others had set for me, one that I had not bothered to ask myself about.

    This major change in my life was labeled by others. To outsiders, I was a quitter, I couldn’t handle the pressure of academia, and I was not living up to my potential.

    But for me, this was simply a change. It was neither good nor bad, it was merely different.

    Since my mental health breakdown, I’ve experienced a lot of changes, both in my life and in my career. Some of them have been good changes, and some of them have been bad.

    But I don’t allow myself to fall into that black-and-white thinking as easily anymore.

    I have learned to own my story and my circumstances, and I love myself more because of it.

    Change can be good; change can be bad. But, most often, change simply is.

    Peaceful woman image via Shutterstock

  • Stop Pushing Yourself: 10 Crucial Steps to Avoid Burnout

    Stop Pushing Yourself: 10 Crucial Steps to Avoid Burnout

    “I actually think burnout is the wrong description of it. I think it’s ‘burn up.’ Physiologically, that is what you are doing because of the chronic stress being placed on your body.” ~Richard Boyatzis

    Some years ago, when my mother told me that a friend of hers had experienced burnout, I didn’t really listen. Actually, I didn’t want to hear about it. I even felt irritated because she felt sorry for people who got burned out.

    My opinion was that they were just being ridiculous and exaggerating.

    It was an excuse, supported by a medical certificate from some doctor they knew well, so that they could stay home, plant basil in the garden, drink tea, and read good books in front of the fire. They were simply lazy folks who just couldn’t be bothered working.

    Some lessons are learned the hard way. Others, really hard. A last few change you for life.

    For me, burnout was life-changing; it turned my aggressive skepticism into factual knowledge. Almost annihilated by the beast of burnout, I’ve recovered, humbled and grateful to be alive.

    The other day I sat down and flipped through my journals from the past years. It was overwhelming. I felt so heartbreakingly sad for myself, for what I’ve put myself through.

    There was page after page of me worrying about alarming issues and symptoms I was experiencing, for a period of several years. There were lists of points I raised with my doctor, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. He kept saying the same thing over and over, but it was impossible for me to take it in.

    He said, “Be careful, Mrs. Torneryd. You have all the symptoms of a textbook burnout.” My answer was always the same: “I cannot get burned out. It can’t happen to me; I’m not that type of person.”

    Some of the points from my diary:

    • When in bed, I can’t remember if I’ve brushed my teeth.
    • I feel panic while driving; other cars are getting too close to me.
    • My skin is a mess, and my hair looks dead.
    • I’ve experienced three double-sided pneumonias over the past eleven months.
    • I have constant ringing in my ears.
    • Even when I sleep, I don’t let my head rest on the pillow.
    • I wake up around twenty times per night (cramp, sweat, pee).
    • I feel pressure over my chest, and I can’t breathe properly.
    • My heart is very often offbeat.
    • My intestines are destroyed; I look eight months pregnant ten minutes after every meal. I even pooped myself in the super-market—with no premonition.
    • My gallstones are stuck in the bile duct, requiring surgery.

    I was in a constant state of “I can’t do this anymore,” but there was nothing major I could change for instant relief. It was a combination of circumstances: the aftermath of bad choices, my workload, and my competitive character.

    Every part of me—body, mind, and soul—was desperate to stop the life-drenching feeling of having nothing left in me to give or take from. I was wasted, worn-out, and destroyed.

    Even so, I just kept going, repeating to myself, “When you’re down and out, there’s always 20% of your strength left” (a quote from martial art trainer). And I kept using my remaining strength over and over again.

    People talk about “hitting the wall.” I hit that wall about five years ago—full speed, head first.

    Since then, I’ve been forcing forward through concrete, screws, electric wires, and bricks. Then it happened: I made it through that thick wall, only to realize that on the other side was nothing but a fathomless, evil black hole. I fell until I crash landed, and then there was nothing left of me.

    On the 17th of February 2014, my body collapsed. I had my first full-blown panic attack, immediately followed by a second one.

    At first, it felt like my spine muscle cramped. I tried stretching and rubbing against a door post, in vain. I couldn’t breathe properly.

    My lungs started pumping frenetically, and I could do nothing to stop it. It felt like I was suffocating. I seriously thought that I was having a heart attack and would die. Eventually, I passed out.

    I finally accepted the message my body had been trying to communicate to me for years—I needed to make monumental changes in my situation, then and there, or I would lose my sanity, at the least.

    For the first four weeks of my sick leave, I did nothing but sleep. It was not by choice. I simply collapsed—on the sofa, my bed, and even on the floor. I just couldn’t stay awake.

    After the sleep marathon came sadness. I felt so incredibly sad, alone, and abandoned. I felt betrayed by society and my employer.

    When I didn’t feel any more sadness, I started my healing journey to peace and acceptance and began reading self-help books. Every day I made an effort to rescue myself.

    Eventually, a shift took place. Step-by-step, I built myself a ladder, careful not to go back to the wall I’d fallen out of, and I started to see the light at the top of that horrid black hole.

    You don’t need to push yourself to this point—not if you follow these steps to avoid an imminent burnout:

    1. Accept your limits.

    It is not admirable to push yourself when your body and mind beg you to stop.

    2. Clarify major energy thieves and avoid them.

    Limit your contact with people who drain you, make hurtful comments, and complain. Pay your bills on time. Clean your home so you feel calm there, not stressed and surrounded by chaos. Eat fresh food and spend less time distracting yourself with technology.

    3. Value yourself first.

    Fear of rejection is also self-rejection; stop worrying about others’ opinions.

    4. Get support and perspective.

    Trust someone close with your feelings and challenges.

    5. Ask for help.

    It actually feels quite wonderful to receive.

    6. Make choices that are good for you and make you happier, healthier, and stronger.

    Get enough sleep to keep cortisol (the stress hormone) levels down, and don’t skip breakfast!

    7. Get twenty minutes of sun every day.

    This gives your body the Vitamin D it needs to function properly, though you can also get it from a supplement.

    8. Get low-impact exercise three times per week.

    When we exercise, the brain releases the “happy hormone” endorphin.

    9. Don’t push yourself too far for the sake of progress.

    Strive to improve, but never push yourself if you feel it’s hurting you.

    10. Never ignore your intuition.

    Listen to your body and do all you can to be kind to yourself.

    Obviously, burnout is not some fake thing lazy folks pretend to have so they can stay home from work.

    It is a force that can knock you out completely, making it difficult to deal with the simplest of tasks, like taking a shower or cooking a meal; and almost impossible to handle normal things, like leaving your home, shopping for food, and answering phone calls.

    I officially apologize for all my previously judgmental thoughts on this area.

    You don’t get burned out because you’re too weak. You get burned out because you’ve tried to stay strong for way too long!

  • The Value of Following Your Dreams When They Don’t Make Money

    The Value of Following Your Dreams When They Don’t Make Money

    Child Pilot

    “The real measure of your wealth is how much you’d be worth if you lost all your money.” ~Unknown

    Five years ago, in a move I wasn’t sure was so brilliant at the time, I quit my career at a rapidly growing ASX-listed financial services organization, packed up my life, and flew to Thailand to pursue my love of scuba diving.

    I thought I was just going for twelve months, that I’d get it out of my system then return to Melbourne and settle down—get a job in the not-for-profit industry, buy a house, maybe get married and have kids, save for my retirement…the usual rite of passage. My unleashed spirit had different ideas.

    When you answer the call to adventure, you never know where you will end up.

    I fell in love with an Italian man, completed my Scuba Diving Instructor course, and spent the next few years splitting my time between Australia and Thailand.

    When our relationship ended, I returned to Melbourne “to be sensible,” to try and put down some roots and figure out, once and for all, what I was meant to do with my life.

    I returned to work with my former employer, but fifteen months later, when I was still trying to figure things out, the universe gave me a divine kick up the bum; I was suddenly and unexpectedly made redundant.

    Instead of finding another job, again I answered the call to adventure. Ten weeks later I was in Canterbury, England following the 2,000-kilometer Via Francigena pilgrimage route to Rome, living a dream.

    When I returned to Melbourne to integrate all that I had learned on my pilgrimage, my bank account had dropped way below my comfort level and the job market was really slow; employers didn’t seem to appreciate my unconventional life that appeared as (well-explained) gaps in my CV.

    Living in suburbia, I started to compare my life to my friends who were getting married, having kids, and buying houses. I looked at my dwindling bank account balance, ten-year-old car, and unpacked bags of clothes—the sum total of my life. I began to panic.

    From my economic studies, I know the opportunity cost of walking away from my career five years ago to follow my heart into adventure is close to a million.

    As a financial planning professional, I know that the longer you delay buying a house, the more you have to pay and the less achievable it becomes. And the longer you delay saving for retirement, the more you have to save or the longer you need to work.

    These are the realities of living in our modern world, where money is the common form of value exchange and it costs to live—to put shelter over your head, food in your belly, and clothes on your back.

    Acutely aware of this, I promised myself I would never ruin myself financially by living unconventionally. I feared that was exactly what I had done.

    As I walked those 2,000 kilometers alone, I discovered the quiet voice of wisdom that speaks up when I ask it for guidance, or it decides there is something I need to hear. In that moment of panic, it told me this:

    “Your net worth is not your life’s worth—don’t confuse the two.”

    Your net worth is not your life’s worth. There was instant relief in those words.

    My choices may have “cost” me a million, and my net worth may be a small fraction of that, but the real value of my experiences over the last five years transcends physical currency. The sights I have seen. The blessings I have received. The moments I have witnessed.

    Diving in the ocean with sharks and manta rays, watching a volcano erupt, crossing the Alps and the Apennines alone on foot, dancing ecstatically in the rain at a dance party in India, caring for street dogs and orphans, muddling through French and Italian conversations with locals, and watching the sun die a vibrant death hundreds of times.

    These experiences have transformed me and, because I am changed, affect the lives of those whose paths I cross like ripples on a pond.

    In a world that requires us to earn money, the popular pursuit of purpose these days is by offering your skills, talents, and abilities to earn money doing what you love—that is, to create a business outside of the traditional corporate environment and make that your purpose.

    But what if your dreams are not the type that will earn you money? And what if following your dreams requires that you walk away from a high-paying career, or that you spend your savings or forego buying a house so that you can live your dream?

    Often misconceived as selfishness, honoring and doing what transforms our inner selves is a way of being of service too; everyone who comes into contact with your ripples will benefit from that change, directly or indirectly, known or unknown.

    In this way, the return on investment from following your dreams is infinite, larger than you can ever quantify or know while you are in human form.

    But what about the cost of not following your dreams?

    How will you feel at the end of your life if you don’t give your dream a go? How will you feel living in a big ole house with plenty of cash in your bank account and very healthy retirement savings, but with your neglected dreams fading away in the corner?

    I know that one day, when I am old and dying, I won’t regret the things I never had, but I will regret the moments I didn’t seize and the adventures and growth I never experienced.

    I know that every time I have followed my heart and answered the call to adventure, even when I wasn’t sure where the money was going to come from or how it was all going to turn out, life has shown me that it will support me. It will support you, too.

    Although it might never be reflected in your net assets, follow your heart and your dreams, focus on growing your life’s worth, not just your net worth, and no matter where your life takes you or what your external wealth looks like, you will be truly en-riched.

    Child pilot image via Shutterstock

  • Why Accepting That You’re Not the Best Is the Key to Getting Better

    Why Accepting That You’re Not the Best Is the Key to Getting Better

    Medal

    “In fear, we expect; with love, we accept.” ~Kenny Werner

    It’s easy to let our ego and fear get in the way of our own success. I’m not talking about the aspects of ego that create a desire to “win” over others, which plague some more than others; I’m talking about the more inherent aspects of our inward facing ego that plague us all.

    When I was in high school I played a lot of piano. For Christmas one year, my dad (a professional musician) gave me a book called Effortless Mastery.

    It was a book that, among other things, taught one how to practice. The author spoke about the importance of learning how to practice in order to improve one’s skill. Sounds like common sense, right? Well, sort of.

    You see, most people don’t really like to practice much of anything.

    When I was a kid I learned a few really impressive songs on piano. My favorite was “Swanee River” in a boogie-woogie style. I practiced it and practiced it until my fingers could dance around like little people on the keys.

    Once I had learned that song, I played it over and over and over again. I used to tell myself I was “practicing,” but really I just enjoyed sounding good, so I would play it repeatedly, never really improving. I had been playing piano for over ten years, but I had never really learned to practice.

    Practicing is intentionally sounding bad in order to get better, and what I was doing was performing for myself. Quite a bit of life can be spent performing for oneself, which can act as a real barrier to knowledge, the kind of knowledge that requires vulnerability to acquire.

    If all you ever do is perform, then you’re not really learning and growing. If you’re afraid of practicing because you might sound bad or fail, then you will never really master anything.

    If you’re not willing to accept being anything but the best, then you will never gain knowledge and develop the skills that come from learning from others who are better than you.

    I’ve spent over ten years thinking about that book and reflecting on it in different ways, and I’ve finally learned how to put my thirst for knowledge ahead of fears.

    My interests and hobbies have come a long way from when I was a kid. Back then, I took up anything and everything that I was good at. It’s not to say that I didn’t genuinely love the activities I was doing, because I really did, but I wanted to do things that offered me the opportunity to be the best.

    My first foray into the realm of activities that I wasn’t naturally gifted in was triathlon. After high school I took up the sport. I had been running all my life. While swimming came very naturally to me, cycling did not.

    I began to sort of thrive in the zone of discomfort that I lived in throughout my years cycling. I would ride with people who were so much better than me and they would push me harder and harder every week.

    I remember at one point, I had a game going with my cycling buddies where when we reached a hill, they would keep cycling to the top and then back down again, repeating this until I reached the top.

    I began to grow a little less uncomfortable knowing that I wasn’t the best at this sport. So much so that I was able to laugh at myself as one by one competitors would pass me on the bike leg of the race, after I had come out on top in the swim.

    If you were to look at my life today, you would find a person who participates in a range of activities (in my personal life, my career, and academically), from ones where I excel to those at which I am less than mediocre.

    My husband has helped me along on this journey, because he doesn’t have a competitive bone in his body, so I’ve learned to derive enjoyment from things other than winning and to be less afraid of losing.

    I’ve taken up things like crafting. I love it and I’m really quite terrible at it. I mean, I can do simple projects, but give me a glue gun and materials and watch out, because I’m bound to mess something up.

    I really love rock climbing. I’m middle of the road (and that might be a stretch) within the group of people I climb with. And I recently finished a research project for a degree I was working on and I took up interpretive research, a paradigm that I was completely lost in.

    I have learned to take absolute pride in not being the best. As much as I love being a mentor, I’ve discovered that I really love being a student too! I love the vulnerability that is present and how real it feels when I openly acknowledge my weaknesses and areas for improvement.

    I’m perfectly okay knowing that I’m not the best, and I’m even more okay knowing that in certain activities, I never will be.

    In activities where performing counts (like my career), I’ve learned that it’s okay (even desirable) to make mistakes.

    I declare freely when there’s something that I don’t know. Ask me at an interview what my greatest weakness or area for improvement is, and you won’t get a cliché answer that I’m too attached to my work—you’ll get the real deal.

    In this territory of discomfort, failure, and ‘sounding bad,’ I have found what it really means to have a willingness to learn.

    I accept what I don’t know and learn what I can. I practice many things every day (from communication in my relationships to skills in my career), and as a result, I learn and grow every day.

    Here’s how you too can overcome your fears, embrace failure, and learn every day:

    1. Try something new that interests you but doesn’t come naturally to you.

    I think most people have at least one activity that they might like to try but don’t out of fear of being bad at it.

    Maybe it’s singing, maybe it’s drawing, maybe it’s public speaking. Pick an activity that you’re not good at and try it out for a while. Embrace the discomfort and insecurity that you’ll experience being less than the best, and have fun with it!

    2. Ask more questions.

    When you ask questions, you display vulnerability; you’re acknowledging that there is something that you don’t know that others do.

    Asking questions doesn’t always come easily for people who derive their confidence from a sense of success. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, and ask lots of them. People appreciate sincere questions and the opportunity to teach.

    3. Lift others up.

    Take some time to tell those around you how great they are, and celebrate in their successes.

    Have a friend that you run with who runs faster? Tell them. Have a coworker who has organizational skills that you could learn from? Tell them. Have a significant other who communicates better than you do? Tell them.

    Communication is the gateway to learning. When you tell someone about a skill or trait of theirs that you appreciate and could learn from, it empowers them and gives them the confidence to own that skill/trait. The more they own it, the more you can learn from them.

    4. Don’t beat yourself up.

    When you’re used to being good at everything you do, it’s going to feel very awkward to be less than the best. Don’t allow negative self-talk.

    I often catch myself jokingly saying, “I just suck at this” during my weekly rock climbing sessions, but all that’s doing is re-focusing on a win/lose attitude. Instead, speak kindly to yourself, and focus on how much your improving and what you can do rather than what you can’t.

    5. Think about the fun you’re having.

    Reflect on things that you do in your life and why you enjoy them. Acknowledge the aspects of your life where you derive pleasure out of perfectionism and those where you derive pleasure from other sources.

    Those other sources will be the key to finding more enjoyment out of new experiences and activities that don’t involve your ego.

    6. Be enthusiastic about failure.

    Don’t just accept failure as part of life; welcome it in with open arms! Sometimes the only way to learn is through complete and utter failure. It’s what you do with the failure that counts.

    Next time you’re working on something in your life (maybe a work project, maybe a relationship), acknowledge when what you’re doing goes belly up and think objectively about what went wrong. Don’t look at failure as an extension of you; see it as the only journey that leads to true success.

    As the great Winston Churchill once said, “Success is the ability to jump from one failure to the next with enthusiasm.”

    Medal image via Shutterstock

  • 3 Things I Did to Relax When I Was Stressing About Reaching My Goals

    3 Things I Did to Relax When I Was Stressing About Reaching My Goals

    “Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace.” ~Joan Borysenko

    Stress and my own expectations were killing me. I was taking care of my physical health with exercise four to five days a week, eating right with lots of plants and vegetables, and sleeping enough, but my health was getting bad.

    I had IBS that was getting worse, and I wasn’t sleeping well (even though I spent enough hours in bed). In other words, I was doing everything right, or rather, all the external physical stuff right.

    I was doing something that virtually everyone agreed was going to make me happier: I was building a side business to fund my freedom from my day job.

    Finally, I had taken the plunge to pursue one of my biggest, scariest, most exciting dreams.

    I would fantasize about being able to do what I was passionate about every single day: help people live healthier, happier, more “whole” lives.

    I couldn’t wait to turn in my two weeks notice and wake up every single day early in the morning with the fire and passion to make a difference in people’s lives—and actually get paid to do it! It sounded like a dream come true.

    Fast-forward one year: I still hadn’t quit my job, and I was living in a nightmare.

    Some days I had slight panic attacks because I would tell myself I would quit my job soon, but my passion business wasn’t making enough money for me to quit comfortably without freaking out.

    The expectations I put on myself were crushing me; I thought I would be at a certain benchmark by a certain date, and I hoped I would be somewhere that I currently wasn’t in my business.

    I was being crushed and crumpled under the weight of my own expectations and goals.

    Something that originally woke me up in the morning inspired and ready to roll was now drudgery—something that I constantly associated with pain and failure.

    There weren’t enough clients, there were too many things I was trying to figure out, working twelve or more hours a day was wearing me out, and I was nearing burnout.

    Nothing seemed to be enjoyable anymore. And one night, when I (yet again) couldn’t sleep, I had an “aha” moment.

    “What a horrible irony. I started this side thing, working on my passion every day, with the hope of one day getting compensated for doing something I loved. And now I wake up every day dreading both my job and my ‘passion’ business. How did it get to this point?”

    After sitting down to think about my own goals, my passion, and what was destroying my happiness, I learned a few things:

    1. Remove expectations and find flow.

    So much of the initial stress was self-imposed. Actually, all of the stress I had each day was self-imposed.

    I thought back and realized that I’d stressed myself out with almost every goal: health goals around the New Year, personal finance goals, and now my own business/passion goal.

    How often do we place these expectations on ourselves—“I’m going to lose thirty pounds in sixty days!”—and once we don’t reach them, get crushed and quit?

    The more this happens, the more our self-esteem suffers, and the more we internalize the story that “I’m a failure.”

    Even though I needed money in order to quit my job, I did a test: iInstead of focusing on the bottom line, I focused just on flow.

    I focused purely on the things I enjoyed the most, the things I was most motivated to work on, and I focused on pushing myself forward every single day rather than meeting random goals like “losing thirty pounds in the next two months.”

    2. Focus on growth, not hard deadlines.

    By far, the best thing I ever did for myself was set only one goal: get better each day.

    No other goals and no more deadlines.

    Deadlines always produced massive stress in my life. Did they work? Sure, sometimes.

    But every time they resulted in pressure and discomfort. And often they didn’t work because I didn’t accurately estimate how much time it would take to achieve them, since I was doing things for the first time.

    Whereas every day used to be stressful because I was always measuring how I stacked up against my goals, now every day was enjoyable because I just focused on getting better each day.

    To say this was a major relief would be an understatement!

    3. Forget the timeline and focus on enjoyment.

    There’s an old Tony Robbins saying that goes something like this: “Most people overestimate what they can do in one year but underestimate what they can do in ten years.”

    Almost all the anxiety, panic, lost sleep, and stress occurred because I had an artificial timeline: I wanted to quit my job now. So I wanted to reach XYZ goal by XYZ date—and when I didn’t, it would cause anxiety and panic because I was resisting reality.

    As an experiment, I spent thirty days without any timeline.

    That meant no goals, no benchmarks, nothing.

    It didn’t happen overnight, but over the coming months I slowly regained that passion, love, and zest I had for life. And my “passion” business regained its former “passion,” which had disappeared in the face of my expectations, stress, and anxiety.

    I’m proud to say with these three subtle mental shifts that dramatically simplified my life, removed deadlines and pressure, I was able to focus on self-growth and my sanity returned.

    At the end of the day, the self-imposed stress and anxiety caused by deadlines and setting too many goals were more damaging than the benefit.

    I realized that it was only once I stopped trying to control everything and trusted the process things started to happen.

    When we release expectations and focus on enjoying every day and working our hardest on growth—not madly achieving our goals as quickly as possible—that’s ironically when we reach our goals faster, and with less stress, than ever.

  • 6 Tips to Stay in the Now During Busy Times

    6 Tips to Stay in the Now During Busy Times

    Businessman Meditating

    “If we are not fully ourselves, truly in the present moment, we miss everything.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    Have you ever had one of those days where you catch yourself rushing and not paying attention to the present moment?

    I had one of those days a few years ago.

    I had just ordered some coffee at a drive-thru and was waiting for the clerk to open the window.

    While I waited, I began plotting my plan of attack for running several personal errands. My to-do list was long, and I knew I was going to need to be efficient if I wanted to get everything done in the amount of time I had available.

    The clerk opened the window and I paid for my coffee. Then I drove off.

    A moment later, I reached down to my cup holder and realized that I’d driven off without the coffee.

    I swung back around and went through the drive-thru again. I was fortunate there was no line. I laughed and apologized to the clerk for rushing off without the coffee. “No problem,” she said. “It happens all the time!”

    I was surprised. This was the first time I had ever paid for something at a drive-thru and then drove off without it. I guess I wasn’t the only one that had done this.

    In a supercharged world where we are encouraged to multitask, it becomes more difficult than ever to be fully in the moment with what we are doing.

    If we are focused on rushing to the next event and our minds are on the future, it becomes easy to make mistakes in the present.

    In my case, I almost drove off and wasted my hard-earned money because I was paying more attention to my thoughts about my to-do list than what I was doing in the moment.

    Since that time, I have made an effort to bring more of my attention to the present moment. While it is not always easy, the following are six tips that help me stay in the moment during busy times.

    1. Relax your pace.

    After I realized my mistake at the coffee shop, I noticed how tense and anxious I was feeling about all of the things I wanted to do that day. When I paused to think about what I was doing, I realized there was really no need for me to be rushing through my day.

    I was putting pressure on myself to move fast out of habit. There was no deadline I needed to meet. I had generated all of the pressure, internally.

    As I gave myself permission to relax the pace and become more present, I felt relieved. The anxious and tense feelings melted away.

    2. Find some space.

    If you have a tendency to pack your schedule too tightly, try making a conscious effort to build some space in. You will be less likely to spend your time strategizing how you are going to get everything done and more likely to be able to be mindful in the moment.

    After I left the drive-thru coffee shop with my coffee in hand, I realized that I didn’t need to rush and run all of those errands the same day. I could space them out and allow myself a little breathing room in my schedule.

    I felt more at ease and found it easy to enjoy the rest of my day without continuing to obsess over my plans.

    3. Use mistakes as a signal.

    If you make a mistake doing something easy and familiar to you, this may be a signal that you have drifted out of the present moment.

    Go easy on yourself. It happens to most of us. Just observe what happened and gently bring yourself back to the now.

    4. Breathe.

    If you find that you have drifted out of the moment and are focused on the future or the past, try pausing and taking a few deep breaths.

    The simple act of paying attention to your breathing is an easy way to bring your focus back to what is happening in the moment.

    5. Be aware that rushing can be contagious.

    It can be tempting to join in if others are rushing, even when rushing is not in your best interest.

    For example, let’s say you are making a purchase at a retail store. The clerk has a long line and is moving fast to try to serve the customers as quickly as possible. When you reach the front of the line, you are tempted to match the clerk’s pace.

    As you speed up your pace, you lose your focus and forget to ask the clerk a question about the item you are buying. You regret rushing through the transaction later, after you remember that you forgot to get more information about the item before purchasing it.

    Try sticking with a pace that is natural for you. You will be more likely to keep your attention on what is important to you in the moment.

    6. Be compassionate with others.

    If you notice that someone has made a mistake because he or she is rushing and lacks focus on the present, try to be understanding. This can help you reaffirm your own focus on the moment.

    Many times, the person who made the mistake will acknowledge it, slow down, and come back to the present moment, like I did when I returned to the drive-thru coffee shop to claim my coffee.

    I appreciate that the clerk was kind and understanding, and I hope to pay that forward.

    Most of us have been less than fully present at one time or another.

    While being mindful in the moment can be a challenge during busy times, we will all benefit if we can practice mindfulness more often.

    Businessman meditating image via Shutterstock

  • How to Let Go of Expectations: Lessons from My Dog

    How to Let Go of Expectations: Lessons from My Dog

    “Stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach.” ~Tom Robbins

    Have you ever finally gotten something you longed for only to find that things didn’t work out as expected?

    I know I have.

    I firmly believed that having a dog was the answer to some of my desires, such as having more meaning in my life and receiving love on demand from another life.

    I bought into irrefutable sayings like, “Dogs love unconditionally,” and, “Dogs are man’s best friend,” and, “Dogs are loyal.”

    As it turns out, the reality can be very different. And yes, those statements are true, but the results of expectations don’t manifest out of thin air. It takes patience, understanding, and a willingness to give more love than you take.

    A Day That Changed Our Lives

    My partner and I talked about having a dog for a while. He set his heart on West Highland Terriers because of their friendly, playful, and gentle nature. We couldn’t decide on the finer details, like shall we get a pup or “rescue” one that really needs a new home?

    Not having children, we thought a dog would be an ideal way to introduce some fun, responsibility, and meaning into our lives, and of course to get an abundance of joy and love. We fought our own demons around the same time; my partner had the blues, and I was still searching for myself.

    Then, by a series of “coincidences,” we found Mowgli. We spent hours scanning the classifieds and had gone to see a couple of Westies already, but none of them felt right.

    One cold February day, we visited a local shelter and set our eyes on an interesting-looking yellow terrier, one that would do.

    As we took him out to the playpen, we admitted to the keeper how we gave up on finding a Westie because the right one was hard to come by. Our jaws dropped when he said, “One’s actually coming in tomorrow. He’s five years old, and his name is Mowgli. Would you like to see him?”

    We could barely contain our excitement!

    My partner turned up the next day, and his first words will always ring true in my ear: “He’s perfect.” He walked him tirelessly for two hours every day until we could take him home a couple of weeks later.

    What Have We Done?

    But things weren’t as smooth as I had pictured. It took me a while to fully accept this little creature into my heart and life.

    We knew he had some behavioral issues that weren’t apparent until we brought him home.

    The first time I realized this was when my partner left the house and Mowgli repeatedly displayed his disapproval by messing in the wrong places. And my empathetic reaction to this? “I see now why they wanted to get rid of him!” However, the situation was more complex.

    After some research, I discovered he suffered from separation anxiety—common among some rescue dogs. Knowing this made it easier to understand what he was going through, and we started to take corrective action.

    Ironically, I was also dealing with my own anxiety problems, and this little dog helped me in some ways to change. I unreasonably chastised him when I was no better. As time went on—using ingenuity and creativity to calm him—small improvements became noticeable.

    Then came the jealousy; he formed a strong bond with my partner, and I felt left out. He didn’t love me as much. Every time I took him out, he didn’t want to go—he kept pulling me back home. I lost sight of the bigger picture and started to resent this poor animal.

    A Sobering Wake-Up Call

    The wake-up call came when he was attacked by another dog in a field and got injured. We all limped home shocked and bemused. My partner and I were irresponsible to let him off lead since we barely even knew him. We could’ve lost him right there.

    I took time off work to look after him, and we began to get closer. I nursed him and took him on walks, carefully introducing him to other dogs. While I got to know local dog owners, I faced my own fear of people too.

    A year on, we have a much better relationship. He still prefers my partner, but I no longer have bad feelings about him. I now understand his needs and emotions better, and I fully accept him and the way he behaves.

    On reflection, he was also teaching me some important lessons—I needed rescuing from my own expectations and rigid beliefs.

    He’s a content little dog most of the time, and we love having him around!

    A Dog’s Wisdom on People and Life

    Take a good look in the mirror.

    The dog’s behavior was a catalyst for me to recognize I needed to change some of my attitudes.

    He was afraid of being apart from my partner, and I was afraid of interacting with people. But he required daily walks, and inevitably we’d meet humans and canines along the way. Slowly, he got used to spending more time with me, and I was getting better at small talk.

    Sometimes you get so caught up with everyday life that it takes a big change to jolt you into reflection on how things really are. Use difficult events in your life as reminders to take a good look in the mirror and ask, “How can this help me?”

    Cultivate patience and let events unfold.

    Clearly, you cannot hurry bonding with a dog. Same goes for human interactions—deep and meaningful relationships will take time to form.

    Chatting in the park regularly can make friends out of acquaintances. I now know a number of people from town who I would have never met if it weren’t for catering to my dog’s needs. If something goes awry, try and try again.

    Befriend acceptance.

    Be willing to receive wholeheartedly what you are faced with instead of judging and wanting to change it. I learned that it was better to acknowledge how things were rather than fighting them and wishing to be different without doing the work.

    Be more present.

    You can immerse yourself in the right now instead of focusing on how things should be. Whatever you experience in the moment, embrace it. And some of it won’t be pretty. But each of them contributes to your understanding and reaction to events.

    Release the need to control.

    One reason you become paralyzed by expectations is because you want to feel in control of every situation coming your way—to be able to deal with everything efficiently and to have a handle on them. But, it’s okay to be out of your depth and admit you don’t have all the answers and may need to learn something.

    Find your role.

    You’ll get more satisfaction out of a seemingly lost situation if you can recognize your part in it.

    I didn’t get instant or unconditional love from this dog, but I had another role to play in supporting both him and my partner while we were figuring him out. I found the answers for his behavior, which enabled me to see my value, making me a whole lot happier.

    Adopt a flexible outlook.

    Consider letting go of rigid beliefs and give yourself permission to change your mind. We all hold onto some values and ideals that we think define us. Sometimes we don’t see the woods for the trees because of recurring patterns we are trapped in.

    Look for opportunities.

    Go beyond the initial projections you had about a situation, and be willing to see what else may be possible. It could be the ideal time for gaining better understanding about yourself and expanding your horizons, thereby allowing for growth that was not apparent before.

    Remind yourself of the bigger picture.

    When all else fails, think of the big reasons for why you’re doing something. Why did we want to take the dog in the first place? A living, breathing soul in need of a forever home and a loving family to take care of him. In this light, all my prior expectations dissipated.

    Turning Around Unhelpful Expectations

    Expectations are like first dates. You put them on a pedestal to which they rarely match up. They confine and limit your vision, clouding anything else that may be out there.

    But they don’t have to paralyze you. Have an open mind. Have the courage to be wrong. Find the usefulness in seemingly lost causes.

    Like a wise old sage, you’ll become skilled at finding valuable lessons even when things don’t go as planned.

    And what you thought was the worst thing that’s ever happened to you might just turn out to be one of the best.

    Western Highland Terrier image via Shutterstock

  • How to Stop Shaming and Start Loving Yourself

    How to Stop Shaming and Start Loving Yourself

    Shame

    “Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face.” ~Helen Keller

    It’s discouraging, isn’t it?

    Walking around every day feeling as if you’re never enough?

    Comparing yourself to others and continually coming up short?

    You feel as if you’re not smart enough, talented enough, organized enough, or disciplined enough. You’ve made mistakes, some small and some big but all of them embarrassing.

    Fortunately, you and I are gloriously human and perfectly imperfect. We falter and fly, fall and triumph, cry, laugh, forget, remember, hurt, heal, dream, and love. Our one-of-a-kind uniqueness is amazing, really.

    I couldn’t appreciate this earlier in life due to a childhood in which I was too skinny, too clumsy, too emotional, too shy, too sensitive, too everything.

    When I was in kindergarten, I wanted nothing more than to stay inside alone and draw at recess. You can probably imagine how that went over.

    The teacher called my mother and informed her that I needed to go outside and play with the other children because I would never develop my large motor muscles.

    I already knew how to swing on the monkey bars, and I craved some quiet time. At the tender age of five, I decided there was something horribly wrong with me because too much noise and chaos set my nerves on edge.

    My secret guilt and shame for being so flawed began to unravel when I became a mother. Three babies in four years taught me more about love than I could ever have imagined.

    I wanted to protect and cherish the tender senses of self in my care, so I began reading every self-help book I could get my hands on. The more I honored the perfection in my children, the more generosity of spirit I developed for myself.

    My journey inward included books about dreams, intuition, and spiritual development, and in time I realized that my sensitive and nurturing nature was actually my greatest gift and not a trait to be deeply ashamed of.

    I can talk about it now from a genuine place of self-acceptance, but the pilgrimage from there to here was far from easy.

    What I have learned so far.

    It’s not about you.

    Stop taking it all personally. In the journey toward self-acceptance, this is rule number one. How others see you is largely a projection and has little to do with you.

    A great example of this is any politician. She may be viewed as an inspirational hero or incompetent fool depending on the person describing her. Same person just being viewed through vastly different lenses.

    If you have ever been brave enough to play the game where you ask several people who know you to describe you with one word, you’ve already seen the diverse range of perceptions people have about you.

    How people perceive you is more a reflection of the lens they are peering through than it is about you.

    Once you truly embrace this concept, it will free you from the weight of other’s opinions or judgments. How you feel and what you know to be true of yourself is what matters.

    Perfect people are annoying.

    Don’t try to be one of them. Nearly everyone I know and those I have consulted with have something about their pasts or their personalities they are deeply ashamed of or embarrassed by. It may be a dysfunctional family, failed relationships, or financial difficulties.

    We all hide our secrets convinced that if others knew, they would criticize, or worse, disown us. Some of us spend inordinate amounts of emotional energy trying to hide our embarrassing flaws, carrying around deep shame and guilt over our perceived shortcomings and mistakes.

    Unfortunate choices, bad hair days, saying too much, saying too little, getting jealous, and losing things are all part of what makes you gloriously human. Your mishaps are what make you relatable and loveable.

    None of us want picture-perfect friends because, frankly, they’re intimidating. We crave genuine friends. Friends who lock their keys in the car, fall for Mr. or Mrs. Wrong, and tangle up their Christmas lights.

    Embrace your weird self.

    I find it fascinating that billions of people walk the Earth and no two are exactly alike. If you are human, let’s face it, you have a few loveable quirks.

    Bask in your strangeness and you’ll attract your tribe. When you stop pouring energy into being someone you’re not, you have more time and energy to be who you are.

    In honor of my kindergarten teacher, I now stay inside and draw whenever I don’t feel like playing outside. So there.

    Words can and do hurt you.

    “Don’t be silly. You can’t do it. You mess everything up.” Sound familiar? If it wasn’t a harsh parent or teacher wagging a disapproving finger, it might have been coming from your own head.

    Stop the madness.

    If you wouldn’t dream of uttering such things to your best friend or child, then for Heaven’s sake stop saying them to yourself. “Oops cancel that” halts my negative self-talk in its tracks and helps me laugh at myself rather than heaping on more shame.

    A miraculous shift occurred when I began extending compassion and patience toward myself. I noticed that others began to mirror my improved inner attitude. My harshest critics were nowhere in sight, and my new friends were oddly fond of solitude.

    Now just imagine it. You make a mistake at work, at home, or in a relationship. This time, instead of beating yourself up, you calmly tell yourself that you’ll know better and do better next time because mistakes are great teachers.

    Doesn’t that feel better?

    Imagine being able to laugh at your blunders and accept your peculiarities.

    Go ahead, right now.

    Toss the burden of worry, shame, and guilt off your back.

    Sit up straight, toss your hair back, and say, “I am enough.”

    Ashamed girl image via Shutterstock

  • We Can Choose to Let Go, Stop Suffering, and Find Peace

    We Can Choose to Let Go, Stop Suffering, and Find Peace

    Peaceful Woman

    “People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

    I’ve called it my “Epiphany Bubble,” and it might be hard to believe, but it’s my true experience.

    I stood on the lawn of our city’s hospital. The sun was shining down on our group of grieving parents. My belly was big with my third child, but my heart was still heavy with grief from my second.

    Jonathan. I’ve never personally known anyone whose entire life was surrounded by compassion and love, like every minute of his twelve-and-a-half hours in my arms.

    Although the summer of 2000 was a long, painful journey through terminal pregnancy, Jonathan had blessed my life in countless ways. I just hadn’t yet understood that.

    Our hospital had this gathering a couple times a year. Parents who grieved babies would come, enjoy some cookies and punch, and chat with other moms and dads who were coping with loss.  

    At the end, we always did the same thing—write our baby’s name along with dates of birth and death on a white balloon.

    As I wrote “Jonathan 9-21-2000 – 9-22-2000” on my balloon, I smiled a little just at the joy of writing his name. I gave my belly a gentle touch and said a little prayer for my next little boy.

    Then I looked to my left. There were three women standing together, quite distraught in tears, comforting one another. I, of course, knew why they were crying, but I was curious.

    I was curious about the dates. When I looked at their balloons, I saw dates reflecting years prior. Six, seven, eight years earlier. My heart sank. I wondered, “Do I have to be in that much pain years from now? Does this heartbreak never end?”

    And that’s when it happened—my epiphany bubble. I suddenly felt as though I was in my own space, and that the world had ceased to spin. Everything outside of my bubble was blurry, and everyone seemed frozen, when I realized…

    I have choice.

    I stood for a few moments more, and the bubble vanished. But its effect on me did not. Something now stirred within me—a determination to really heal, let go, and be genuinely happy again.

    At home I began to wonder about choosing how to feel about life and how to perceive all that I experience on my journey. I started to seek within.

    Through journaling, praying, and meditating, I felt a shift. I sensed guidance. I glimpsed a bit of inner peace.

    Some of my wonderings were a bit surprising, but I gave space to let them unfold. Rather than judge, I allowed them to come to me without logic. I also resisted the teachings from my childhood, which would have stopped them from showing me a new way to perceive Jonathan’s life.

    I wondered, maybe Jonathan is a guardian angel. Perhaps he will protect and look after his big sister, Sydra, and his little brother who has yet to take his first breath.

    I smiled a bit at imagining my sweet Jonathan, from some other place of being, guiding and loving his siblings.

    I wondered, perhaps Jonathan was meant to leave this life at a very young age, and perhaps this could have happened in a variety of ways.

    Would I choose for his life to be very short, spent in my arms, and surrounded by love and compassion? Or, would I choose to have more time with him, but risk something worse—have him be a child who I’ve heard horrifying stories about, children who are abducted and hurt?

    I felt a bit of trust at realizing that I don’t know how it all works. Life, death, and all the days between and following are a mystery, really. Maybe his life was exactly how it was meant to be, or perhaps it might have been more tragic.

    I wondered, could it be that Jonathan was my son for this short time to teach me?

    I reflected on the months we spent together—when I learned he was terminal, my decision to carry him, the long nights, the quiet moments, the countless tears and prayers, the painful delivery, and the hours I had him in my arms looking into his beautiful eyes three times.

    I relaxed a bit realizing all I had learned. I was a strong woman, someone who was willing to give all I had to another, a woman who remained hopeful and optimistic amidst a very difficult time. I was a woman who sent prayers and love to other pregnant women, asking that they not suffer as I was.

    I wondered, could Jonathan’s life have served purpose beyond me, our family, and my understanding?

    I thought about all the people who had surrounded Jonathan with love and compassion before and during his life. I recalled the many people who came to his memorial service, each saying how deeply he had touched their heart.

    My trust deepened. I knew Jonathan’s life, however brief, served purpose. He was a blessing, a sweet, little blessing, to many people, and I was the lucky woman who was honored to be his mom.

    Grief is nothing to be rushed. Throughout this time, I was gentle and patient with myself, honoring all my emotions, not pushing through them or stuffing them in the secret places of my heart. By doing so, I was better able to deeply heal.

    Grief is also nothing to cling to simply because it’s familiar. Although the journey had many twists and turns, and I needed to allow it to show its way, it is worth the inner work to let go and find peace.

    It is not just grief where we have choice. With all our life experiences—every emotion from anger to joy, from love to fear—we can choose.

    Allowing our heart and mind to wonder, taking time to feel it all without judgment, and seeking within for the path of letting go, this is the way to embrace all of life and peacefully enjoy the now.

    Peaceful woman image via Shutterstock

  • Why Slow is the Way to Go: 6 Reasons to Take Your Time

    Why Slow is the Way to Go: 6 Reasons to Take Your Time

    Slow Tortoise

    “Stop beating yourself up. You are a work in progress, which means you get there a little at a time, not all at once.” ~Unknown

    I’ve been practicing yoga, on and off, for fifteen years.

    It’s helped me through and out the other side of infertility, kept me company on the long and winding road of adoption, and helped walk me out of the shadows of depression.

    It’s a big part of my life, part of who I am—a faithful friend, the kind that welcomes you back with open arms even after you’ve been inattentive.

    In fact, I’d say yoga always gives me what I call an “Alaskan welcome”—the kind my dearly departed dog used to give me whenever I walked into the house, as though I’d been all the way to Alaska instead of around the corner to the shops.

    Yoga is always willing to give but it’s a slow-burning love, and while it has rewarded me richly, I’ve had to wait for its gifts.

    I have just completed yoga teacher training, at forty-six, proving the truth that you are never too old to teach (or learn).

    While I’m pleased with my pace of learning, ironically, despite my age and experience, there is still so much yoga has to teach me.

    And that’s okay, because I am realizing more and more that some of the best things, in yoga and in life, come to us slowly.

    Here’s why I think slow is the way to go and why staying power is the most powerful kind.

    1. Slow teaches us patience.

    And patience is its own gift, especially during times when things are out of our control and we have no choice but to wait it out. When we bring patience to gently moving toward a goal, we have it in reserve for when roadblocks get in the way (as they inevitably will).

    2. Slow hones acceptance and gratitude.

    When we rush headlong into what we want to achieve, we can get easily frustrated with any hurdle or slight delay. (And frustration is unlikely to get us to our goal more quickly.)

    We also miss the opportunity to accept and be grateful for the small steps we take, those incremental achievements, and for where we are right now—for the good and the bad of everyday life.

    3. Slow allows for small mistakes.

    Rush at something and we run the risk of messing up big-time. Take it slow and we get the chance to experiment with small mistakes, helping us to grow so we can hopefully avoid bigger mistakes in the future. We have to earn our lessons, and we don’t learn until we allow things to sink in.

    4. Slow makes room for other stuff.

    When we want something fast we can become obsessed with that thing, as though the goal has taken on a life of its own.

    While it’s great to prioritize what we really want, it doesn’t make sense to create imbalance in our lives with one overwhelming obsession. Who knows what (and who) you might miss out on if you do.

    5. Slow builds resilience.

    The lyrics “It’s better to die on your feet than live on your knees” might ring true, but I’m betting you’d still like to be around for a long life.

    Slow is about building legacy, and along the way, resilience. That can only be won through endurance.

    Fast is great for igniting passion and showing courage, but who do you think is braver and more passionate—the person who sprints out of the starting block or the one who keeps going over the long distance?

    6. Slow is seasonal.

    Taking things slowly recognizes that sometime we need to sit and deliberate (by a fire or by the beach). We need to wait in faith for the universe rather than selfishly expecting our own desires to take precedence.

    We need to look to nature to realize that the seasons cycle at their own pace, and we should always be willing to take things slower (and faster) as required.

    Slow doesn’t have to be timid, or lazy, or less-than-smart. Slow isn’t a marker for fear and procrastination, nor apathy and indecision.

    There’s a yoga asana (posture) that many people find difficult at first. The Sanskrit name is Supta Vijrasana, also known as Reclining Hero pose.

    Unlike the standing Warrior postures, which are strong and forceful, the Hero pose calls for quiet strength as you kneel down and then surrender backward.

    When I first got seriously back into yoga two years ago, after a sporadic year of practice prior, my knees would groan and my ankle joints scream when I tried to just kneel down and sit my bottom back between my heels.

    I certainly couldn’t recline backward onto my back, while keeping my knees bent and touching each other and my feet close by my hips. But now, having taken it slowly, I can feel a little like a yoga hero.

    I can realize the benefits of slow that have snuck up on me in their own sweet time. And I am most grateful.

    Slow isn’t dull and boring, but contemplative and considered. Slow is the yin in a very yang world.

    Slow is the strength of surrender, and surrender can be the most powerful kind of victory.

    Large tortoise image via Shutterstock

  • A Change That Leads to Unconditional Self-Confidence

    A Change That Leads to Unconditional Self-Confidence

    Confident Pose

    “Kindness in words creates confidence.” ~Lao Tzu

    Does your life feel like an endless experience of struggle and stress? That while you have moments of reprieve, they are transient and short lived?

    It may be that the problem lies with your confidence—in your belief in your ability to bring about successful outcomes when you experience challenges.

    For many of us, our attitudes toward ourselves continually undermine our confidence.

    That was my experience for most of my life. My confidence was dependent on how I felt I was doing.

    If I did well, I felt good. If I struggled, I lost confidence very quickly.

    It didn’t seem to matter how many times I succeeded, doubting myself was just one slip up away. And I was exceptionally hard on myself when I failed.

    So I drove myself harder and harder. I overworked. I was determined not to feel that awful feeling of not being good enough. So I read, studied, and experienced. My confidence was always on the other side of the next book, course, or program.

    Until I burned out.

    I couldn’t keep up the pace. And I’m so grateful for that. Recovering from the health difficulties that come with burnout required that I change the way I was relating to myself and challenge the basic assumptions that I was making about what I was capable of.

    I had to pay close attention on a minute-by-minute basis to the choices I was making and my self-talk. How was I treating myself? How did I respond when I made mistakes?

    Most of us have been taught to have conditional confidence. We can feel good and confident when things are going well, but we struggle to keep motivated when things are hard. We are hard on ourselves when we slip up. We are critical, judgmental, and harsh.

    So we up the effort. We overwork, over-prepare, needing to keep ahead of the possibility of failure that we imagine is just around the corner.

    We become anxious and risk-averse. When we experience success, we don’t fully allow ourselves to experience the joy of accomplishment.

    Changing our attitude toward ourselves is the key to building confidence that is not dependent on external signs of success. An unshakable confidence that allows us to be resilient in the face of adversity and to trust ourselves enough to keep taking the next step, even when circumstances look dismal.

    Imagine that you could go through life trusting in your capability, in your ability to meet the challenges in a way that could bring about a successful outcome.

    What a relief that would be!

    Instead of trying to control the world and avoid failure, you could take risks and stretch yourself outside of your comfort zone. When you made mistakes (which you inevitably will as part of the growth and learning process) you would pick yourself up quickly, acknowledge yourself for your effort, and make any changes that we needed, based on your new learning.

    And you would keep going.

    Life would be full of possibility and hope.

    So how can you do that?

    Changing your attitude toward yourself is essentially about changing habits. So it requires patience, attention, and effort.

    Kristin Neff, self-compassion researcher, believes that changing from self-criticism to self-compassion is the key to resilience in the face of challenge.

    People who respond to themselves with compassion are far less likely to be depressed or anxious, and they have greater confidence in their ability to succeed.

    Self-compassion involves three components:

    • Being kind and caring toward yourself rather than harshly self-critical
    • Framing imperfection in terms of the shared human experience
    • Seeing things clearly without ignoring or exaggerating problems.

    How to Become Kinder to Yourself

    1. Start by noticing the way you speak to yourself.

    Especially when you slip up (in your eyes). Increasing your awareness of existing patterns is an important first step. Don’t be tempted to skip it. Most of us want to rush ahead and make changes instantly.

    2. Gently start practicing a different response.

    This may seem a bit silly at first, depending on how deeply entrenched your critical and judgmental response is. Mine was very well practiced, so it did feel awkward for a long time. But do persist. Even tiny changes can make a huge difference to how you feel and what you are able to do.

    3. Surround yourself with kind and supportive voices.

    Sometimes when you are stuck in a judgmental pattern, it can be very hard to make changes in the moment. What I found worked in these times was to have someone else hold that voice for me, so I would spend time with someone who embodied kindness, compassion, and self-acceptance.

    4. Practice, practice, practice!

    Change happens with the consistent efforts made over time, not the big once-off attempts. Stay with this; it will make all the difference in the long run.

    This is the path to unconditional confidence. Put in the effort. Pay attention and develop new ways of relating to yourself. Surround yourself with encouraging people who can help you remember your intention.

    Confident pose image via Shutterstock

  • Why Happiness and Purpose Cannot Be Found In A Bucket List

    Why Happiness and Purpose Cannot Be Found In A Bucket List

    “There is no need to reach high for the stars. They are already within you. Just reach deep into yourself!” ~Unknown

    Bucket lists. One hundred things to do before you die. Twenty-five-before-twenty-five. Thirty-before-thirty. New Year’s resolutions.

    You name a goal-setting list, I’ve written it.

    In fact, I can remember writing a list of yearly goals in my journal as young as nine years old. (I can even remember what some of them were, but that’s a secret between me and my younger self, bless her heart.)

    Universal wisdom teaches that one of the keys to a beautiful life is to set and reach goals.

    And setting goals is what I did, year after year.

    I learned to sew my own dresses. Took up photography. Mastered the art of cooking. Traveled across Europe. Read the classics. Started yoga classes. And documented every bit of it on social media (reaffirming my ‘success.’)

    So why did the cup of my soul feel so empty? Why did my life feel so uncomfortable and constraining, like an ill-fitting, itchy sweater? Why did the grey days merge into one long blur, until another year was over with little improvement in my overall happiness?

    Because I was taking my lead from the status quo, my peers, and the media as to what constituted happiness and success instead of following my intuition and inner guide.

    Because I was making my way through a random and disjointed collection of activities and achievements rather than stepping back and looking at the overall picture of who I wanted to be and how I wanted to live my life.

    Because I was putting my happiness off until a day in the future where I had ticked off a suitable number of goals in my life rather than realizing that the present day was already filled with so much magic, excitement, beauty, simple joys, and goodness. And I had absolutely every reason and means to be happy and overflowing with contentment right here and now.

    But above all, I always ended up feeling empty, despite my ambition and goal-kicking, because of one major misunderstanding about the nature of life: I was looking to external sources for happiness and a sense of fulfilment instead of anchoring my happiness and meaning within.

    It’s not that goals and achievements are bad to have or even unnecessary, but they are the icing on the cake of life. And so, while they are nice-to-haves, your happiness and self-worth should not be dependent on them.

    I realized that your value as a person shouldn’t fluctuate up and down based on whether you have a relationship, a house, an esteemed career, a slim figure, or a Facebook list full of friends.

    You are inherently worthwhile and enough, and you win at life simply by being here. By being you in this very moment, a once-in-a-humankind combination of natural aptitudes, interests, passions, and quirks.

    With this kind of thinking, it dawned on me that, while goals and dreams are incredibly positive and worthwhile, maybe they should be seen as secondary to your higher purpose in life: to be you.

    To get in touch with your soul through life experience, meditation, movement, being in nature, service, and being lost in the flow of doing things you love.

    To fall deeply in love with who you are.

    To grow into the highest embodiment of you.

    To love and accept and give to and forgive everyone you encounter.

    To pick yourself back up and try again whenever you fall short of that highest version of you.

    To eat your favorite foods, dance to your favorite music, laugh to your favorite jokes, wear your favorite clothing, read your favorite books, and work, date, live, create, indulge, and adventure in ways that feel good to you.

    To become fully alive and benefit the world with your gifts.

    The most surprising thing was, the more I let go of external goals and focused on self-love, soul-care, and the field of diamonds within me, the more external success seemed to come more naturally.

    As a kind of by-product of taking care of my internal world, my external world has continually transformed in beautiful and amazing ways.

    We need not fear that by giving up some of our goal-chasing time for self-discovery, time alone, and soul-nourishing activities, we’ll end up living a lesser life. My experience has shown me that the exact opposite is true.

    I urge you to take a moment today to shift your focus away from reaching for the stars, to the stars already within you. Feel them. Breathe them. Embrace them. Thank them. And remember them as you go about the rest of your day.

  • How to Take Care of Yourself When You Feel Like Shutting Down

    How to Take Care of Yourself When You Feel Like Shutting Down

    “Displace the pain. Put it in a camera, in a story, in a poem, in a song, in a lover, in a canvas.” ~Unknown

    As an aspiring mental health counselor, I’m a huge advocate for self-care. I think it’s extremely important to educate people about the benefits of taking the time to nourish our souls and to give ourselves some TLC.

    I have several go-to ways I like to take care of myself, from practicing yoga to immersing myself in nature to writing to taking the time to mindfully apply my favorite lotion.

    I find myself engaging in these activities on days with good weather and when I’m generally happy.

    Lately, however, I’ve noticed that it’s during the times when it’s hardest to think about self-care, whether our schedules are jam-packed, we are going through a difficult time, or we just don’t feel our best, that self-care is critical. 

    It’s easy to want to do fun activities or be nice to ourselves when life is looking good, but it’s much harder to have the energy or desire to take care of ourselves when times are tough.

    But isn’t that when we most need to be our own best friends and supporters?

    This all became even clearer to me when I received devastating news not too long ago. My childhood dog, Maggie, had passed away from kidney failure at fourteen years old. My desire to cook a nice meal for myself, write in my gratitude journal, or work out went right out the window.

    All I felt was numb, and all I wanted to do was to fade into the couch and cry.

    As human beings, when we experience a grief reaction or a trauma, it’s natural for us to freeze, feel numb, or to want to retreat and isolate.

    While I believe it’s crucial that we listen to our bodies and give ourselves time to grieve, express ourselves, or react however we need to during that time (as long we aren’t causing damage to ourselves), we must also advocate for our healing and well-being.

    I’m not saying that this is easy by any means, and this process is different for everyone. It might even seem foreign, unnatural, forced, or even impossible at first to think about doing activities that are fun or require energy when we are in a state of crisis or disarray.

    As humans, we’re hardwired to want to stay in our comfort zone, but that’s not where the growth happens, nor where our optimal levels of health and happiness reside.

    Since Maggie’s passing, it’s been hard to get myself to do even basic things, such as eat full meals, and it’s been difficult to go about my day knowing at any moment I could start crying uncontrollably.

    Although it’s still very fresh, I could feel myself beginning to slip into a place that wasn’t healthy or beneficial to my well-being. I wanted to be careful not to let myself be completely overcome by the grief of losing her.

    I was thinking about how I could let myself express the emotions of heartbreak, sadness, and emptiness yet still find a way to take care of myself. The first thing that came to mind was writing.

    I’ve always been a writer at heart. My pen and paper (or these days, laptop) have gotten me through some pretty dark and challenging times. I knew that the self-care I needed at that moment was to open up a word document and just type.

    When I allowed myself to get lost in my writing, I found that my heart felt a little lighter.

    Self-care doesn’t have to be a grand gesture, and it isn’t just one thing. For some it might include booking a full day at the spa, while for others it might be much more low-key. The awesome part is, no matter what type of self-care you choose to participate in, you will receive the full benefits.

    If you’re not sure where to start and you’d like some helpful strategies, look no further. I’m no expert, but I am committed to practicing self-care. 

    Here are some tips and ideas that have been helpful for me:

    1. There is no right or wrong way to “do” self-care.

    Before you truly begin incorporating self-care into your life and feeling the benefits of it, it’s natural to wonder if you’re approaching it right. The good news is: There is no right or wrong way to engage in self-care, as long as you’re doing activities that contribute to your level of happiness or sense of well-being.

    Allow yourself to be led by your intuition of what you need.

    Practice disabling the part of yourself that wants to censor yourself or question the quality of the activities you’re doing and the work you’re producing as you’re engaging in self-care.

    If you’re writing, for instance, you can edit it later. If you’re dancing, let yourself be guided by the rhythm of your body rather than your brain trying to keep perfect time or form.

    2. Incorporate some form of self-care into your daily routine.

    You might not always have the time or energy to do a full workout or practice your favorite self-care activity, but you can find little ways to take care of yourself every day. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Even just a five or ten-minute practice can make a huge difference.

    For example, as you are waking up in the morning, take some time to repeat with confidence a positive mantra or affirmation that coincides with your goal or intention for the day. Or set aside a short window of time for deep breathing or a walk in nature. Little things can make a big difference.

    3. Consider the Wellness Wheel.

    As you begin to integrate self-care into your life or work to maintain the strategies you’ve already implemented, think about the several different types of wellness (physical, emotional, spiritual, social, intellectual, environmental, occupational).

    Take the time to understand which self-care activities are connected to the different types of wellness. This might help bring things into perspective.

    There may be times when some parts of your wheel seem more plentiful than others. If you find yourself stuck or lacking in a specific area, you can work to nurture those parts of your wellness wheel, but you can also feel grateful for the parts that are blossoming.

    4. Inform others about your self-care practices.

    If your self-care means unplugging for a day and others are going to want to contact you, you might want to let them know that you’ll be out of reach and explain why.

    It might be difficult for some people to wrap their heads around it, or you might receive some pushback (remember, change is hard). People may be used to you always being available, but for others this could be a chance to understand your needs better and hopefully provide encouragement and support.

    It might be a challenge to get into a groove with your self-care if you’re just beginning, so talking to family or close friends about the changes you’re making might spark something for them as well.

    Maybe your friends have wanted to make similar shifts, and they’d like to try it with you. Rather than hearing complaints for taking five hours instead of five minutes to answer a text, you might just inspire them to unplug too.

    5. Be gentle with yourself, and don’t forget to celebrate successes.

    Just like any change you’re trying to make in life, it doesn’t always happen immediately or all at once, but rather over time.

    If you experience a self-care setback, such as falling out of a new practice, being overcome by grief, or not dedicating as much time to it as you’d like, try your best to be gentle with yourself and use positive self-talk.

    On the other hand, if the positive changes you’re noticing seem very small, try your best to remember to celebrate your efforts and the changes you are seeing. With positivity and commitment, you’ll notice the changes might begin to get bigger, and they might last longer too.

    Self-care isn’t meant to be a quick fix to make all uncomfortable emotions disappear, and it won’t replace the difficult recovery processes we must go through when we endure trauma, experience extreme loss, or work to get out of a rut that we’re stuck in for whatever reason.

    It can, however, help us take the pain we feel and soften it, or channel it into strength or something beautiful.

    Self-care can help us feel a sense of happiness, gratitude, hope, and healing.

    So, have fun with it! Experiment so you can see which types of self-care suit you and your lifestyle. If you feel yourself getting stuck, listen to your mind, body, and intuition—they know you the best.

  • Take Off the Mask: 6 Tips to Be More Authentic

    Take Off the Mask: 6 Tips to Be More Authentic

    “Being who you are is another way of accepting yourself.” ~Unknown

    Years ago I struggled to be authentic. I was a consultant who worked with senior people in big organizations. As a black female fresh out of graduate school, I was frequently the youngest, the only woman, and the only minority in the room.

    Because I was so different from those around me, at least on the surface, I was concerned about how other might perceive me. So I put a lot of effort into portraying myself in ways that I thought would increase the odds of others accepting me.

    To make sure others wouldn’t underestimate me, I led with my intelligence, saying things to let them know how smart and knowledgeable I was and downplaying my fun-loving side.

    To make sure I wasn’t seen as militant or overly sensitive, I stayed quiet in response to comments that ranged from a little over the line to blatantly offensive.

    To make sure others felt at ease, whenever I was asked to talk about myself, I stuck with the most innocuous and middle-of-the-road stories that I knew were most similar to the other person’s life experiences.

    And here is a small, but classic example: Even though I had been yearning to own a snazzy smartphone case for years, I stayed with a neutral black one so I would be seen as suitably conservative instead of too girly or flamboyant. (Yes, I had it bad!)

    The irony of all of this was that, although this approach caused me to be seen as someone who was bright, competent, and capable, it didn’t exactly help me forge deep connections with other people.

    After all, how could it? The person they were connecting with was only a tiny fragment of who I was and, in some cases, a completely inaccurate portrayal.

    When I reflected on it, I realized that, while it was convenient to be able to say that I was behaving that way due to the demands of being in an unwelcoming corporate environment, the truth is, I did it in other places as well.

    Every time I agreed to do something I didn’t really want to do out of a sense of obligation, I was being inauthentic.

    Every time I didn’t ask for what I needed in a relationship, I was betraying myself.

    Every time I put on an aura of having it all together when in reality, I was feeling vulnerable and scared, I was putting on a mask.

    One day, after biting my tongue for the nth time at work regarding an innovative idea I had that I thought others wouldn’t agree with, I decided enough was enough. At that moment I committed to stop hiding “this little light of mine” under a bushel.

    Instead, I was going to unleash my true self into the world.

    Okay, perhaps unleash is a little inaccurate—it’s not like I became Sasha Fierce over night. But what I did do was take what felt like little risks in displaying my authentic self.

    I experimented by being more assertive and sharing my true opinions.

    I let my humorous side come out and told funny stories about my family and my life when I was at work.

    I said no to things I didn’t feel like doing—even a party that was going to be thrown in my honor that I didn’t really want to attend.

    I put a hot pink rhinestone case on my smartphone.

    So, what happened? Honestly, not much on the negative side of things. There might have been the odd person who felt a bit of discomfort in the moment when I disagreed with him, but it certainly wasn’t anything long-lasting or life-shattering.

    Instead, the results have been overwhelmingly positive.

    I feel lighter and more true to myself. I have deeper relationships, because it’s as if a veil has been lifted, and the people around me get to see who I really am. I’m more likely to get my needs met because I’m not relying on the other person having ESP to figure them out.

    And at work, instead of making others uncomfortable, being more authentic allowed me to build deeper connections. Instead of just seeing me as a brain in a jar, others began to see me as a whole person, a thought leader from whom they could learn, who had interesting things to talk about.

    It has made all the difference in my life and created a richer, happier, more fulfilling existence.

    If you are struggling to let your authentic self shine, here are some tips you might find useful.

    1. Imagine your older self sharing life lessons with you.

    Imagine your older self having a conversation with your present self. Perhaps this older version of yourself is on his or her deathbed, and s/he is giving you advice about how to live a fulfilling life.

    What would s/he say to you? Would s/he suggest that you spend the rest of your life dulling your shine, or would s/he tell you to be true to yourself?

    2. Check in with yourself.

    If you have been behaving inauthentically for a long time, you might feel out of touch with your true feelings and desires. Journal and meditate to get back in touch with yourself.

    Allow yourself to feel your emotions, and be curious about them. What are they telling you that you need to do? How can you become more of your true self?

    3. Start small.

    Commit to taking small steps toward being more authentic. Speak up about things you normally wouldn’t. Assert yourself. Ask for something you want. You don’t have to transform yourself overnight. Recognize that it’s a process.

    4. Be prepared for others’ reactions.

    Remember that others are likely unaware of the extent to which you might be stifling yourself. So, as you behave differently, recognize that they may need to adjust to the new you. While the responses I got were overwhelmingly positive, sometimes others didn’t quite know what to make of it. That’s okay.

    5. Don’t use authenticity as an excuse for bad behavior.

    I have worked with some clients who have been rude or disrespectful to others, and explained it away, saying, “I’m just being honest” or “I have to be authentic.” You can be authentic and kind at the same time. Be respectful.

    6. Recognize you can tolerate discomfort.

    Research shows we tend to overestimate how long and intense our unpleasant feelings will be in response to a negative event. So, even if others don’t respond positively to everything you do, know that it probably won’t be as bad as you are anticipating.

    Finally, keep in mind this wonderful quote by Oscar Wilde, “Be yourself; everyone else is taken.”

  • The Power of Apologizing: Why Saying “Sorry” Is So Important

    The Power of Apologizing: Why Saying “Sorry” Is So Important

    Little Girl Apologzing

    “Sincere apologies are for those that make them, not for those to whom they are made.” ~Greg LeMond

    When I was growing up, every time I took my sister’s toy or called my brother names, my mother would grab me by the wrist and demanded that I offer an apology. What’s more, if the apology didn’t sound meaningful enough to her, I had to repeat it until my tone was genuine. An apology was the basic reaction to any mistake.

    Now that I’m older, I see apologizing as more than just a household rule. My younger self didn’t understand the complexities of human pride and self-righteousness, but my older self does.

    Now, I see family members refusing to talk to each other for years after an argument just because neither side wants to be the first to let go of their pride and “break down and apologize.” But who decided apologizing was a sign of weakness?

    I think we’ve reached a day and age where showing emotional vulnerability can be viewed as a positive rather than a negative quality.

    People are becoming more aware of ideas like empathy and sensitivity, and everywhere we are being encouraged to talk about our feelings, to seek help, and to connect with others. Gone are the days of keeping everything bottled up inside to suffer alone.

    As we move forward in this time of self-knowledge and self-discovery, it’s vital to acquire the ability to recognize our own mistakes. Nobody is perfect, and we all will do something to hurt another person at some point in our lives. The difference, however, lies in acknowledging that we have done something wrong.

    This was hard for me to grasp, because I was taught that an apology should be an automatic response.

    It took me a long time to realize what it meant to say “I’m sorry” from the heart. Apologizing just for the sake of apologizing is meaningless. We cannot genuinely apologize if we can’t admit to ourselves that we made a mistake.

    This is where humility comes in. Can we look at ourselves in the mirror and say that it was at least partly our fault? Can we take that responsibility?

    Placing the blame on someone else is easy. Making excuses and skirting the subject is easy. Assuming the full weight of blame on our own shoulders, however, is very hard.

    I learned this the hard way with a childhood friend of mine. As we grew older, we started becoming more competitive in the things we did together, and eventually the playful competition went a little too far.

    It became a game of silently trying to prove who was better, and we ended up hurting each other over our pride.

    We refused to apologize or even address what was going on because neither wanted to be the one to “give in.”

    The tension kept growing, breaking apart our friendship. I wish I could go back now, because if I had taken responsibility for the mistakes I made, we probably could have resolved it easily and saved our friendship.

    Instead, I let my pride take priority over my relationships with the people around me.

    Learning to apologize is the first and most important step in the healing process. Not only does it show the recipient that you acknowledge their right to feel hurt, but it opens the way to forgiveness.

    It seems so silly, really. I mean, it’s only two tiny words. How can something so small be so powerful?

    Well, there have been various scientific studies on the power of apologizing, which have demonstrated that when the victim receives an apology from his offender, he develops empathy toward that person, which later develops more quickly into forgiveness.

    This is due to the fact that when we receive an apology, we feel that our offender recognizes our pain and is willing to help us heal.

    Timing is an important aspect to keep in mind, as well, because sometimes the other person might not be ready to accept your apology. Sometimes we need to allow time to heal the wounds a little bit before we come forward to say “I’m sorry.”

    An apology cannot undo what has been done, but it can help ease the pain and tension of the aftermath. It gives hope for rebuilding, and puts value on the relationship rather than the individual’s pride.

    Sometimes people don’t even realize the hurt they are creating around them by failing to take responsibility for their actions. Maybe it’s you, maybe it’s someone you know, but everyone knows someone who has suffered from this at some time.

    Now is the time to make a change.

    Often times those two simple words are worth more than a lifetime of excuses and explanations.

    Choose the path of humility. Choose the path of healing. Choose love above pride. Choose to apologize.

    Little girl apologizing image via Shutterstock

  • How to Make Ordinary Relationships Extraordinary

    How to Make Ordinary Relationships Extraordinary

    Happy Couple

    “In the end, who among us does not choose to be a little less right to be a little less lonely.” ~Robert Braul

    I’ve been married to my wife for almost ten years, most of them involving struggle and drama.

    I had two failed marriages before that.

    This qualifies me to give relationship advice because, well, let’s just say I’ve made every mistake someone could possibly make while attempting to be in a relationship, so I’ve definitely figured out how not to do it.

    Blunders, confusion, and oversights, not to mention abject failures, have bludgeoned me into a few realizations—the most important one was that being a self-absorbed, insensitive jerk wasn’t exactly working for either one of us.

    For so many years, the best relationship I can remember having was with my dog.

    The thing is, watching Beauregard chase sticks, or sitting on the couch together watching football while he scratched himself behind the ear, was hardly going to be the next best-selling romance novel.

    Don’t get me wrong; it wasn’t terrible. I mean, my wife Jeannie and I have never fought very much, but there was always an undercurrent of dissatisfaction and frustration.

    It wasn’t terrible, but then again, it wasn’t great either.

    Shouldn’t it be great?

    Almost ten years into my third marriage, I decided that’s it’s never too late to take responsibility and be the catalyst for change.

    My wife is a sensitive, caring, nurturing woman who loves her children and, I believe, loves me.

    And I love her. I’m a devoted, faithful husband. So what was the problem?

    Well, we had begun moving in our own little worlds. Together but separate. Our own interests and separate friends. We’d pass each other in the hallway occasionally.

    Taking her for granted just snuck up on me. She deserved better, and I knew it.

    Looking back, I can’t believe the amount of resentment and heartache I put her through, yet there she was almost ten years later—despite the frustration and bitterness, she was hanging in there with never a thought of giving up.

    Then I had an epiphany.

    If I were going to have the kind of extraordinary, fulfilling relationship with my wife that I knew we were capable of and deserved, I’d have to bring some focus and intention to the situation.

    How to Become the Partner Your Significant Other Deserves

    Bringing her flowers or cooking him his favorite steak dinner once every six months is kind of like putting a Band-Aid on a broken leg. It’s a nice gesture, but ultimately it won’t fix the problem.

    No, I decided to take a more fundamental approach—changing my attitudes and behaviors so as to create a different paradigm to work from.

    Here are the changes that had the greatest impact on transforming our relationship.

    Give in once in a while (even if you think you’re right).

    Picking your battles can relieve a lot of pressure. It dawned on me that I just didn’t need to be right about everything.

    I stopped digging my heels in and standing my ground about things that didn’t make that much difference in the first place.

    Sure, I still needed to set my boundaries, but now I make certain it’s something that’s truly worth fighting for. I found that most of the things we were getting upset over really weren’t that important for me to be right about.

    I found that if you can just let go and give up your addiction to being right all the time, things will smooth out substantially.

    You know the old saying. “Would you rather be right or happy?”

    Forgive yourself.

    Sometimes I feel like a mistake machine waiting to be turned up to nine on the screw-up-o-meter.

    We all charge off in the wrong direction occasionally, but some of the rock-headed things I’ve managed to pull off have been world class!

    I concluded that the only way to feel good about myself was to forgive myself.

    Once you’ve forgiven yourself, you can then ask your partner to forgive you. This will allow for a fresh start, and you can begin relating to each other in a more open and loving way.

    Tell the truth (but maybe not every fact down to the smallest detail).

    Being honest and forthright is the only way forward.

    I’ve always been faithful, and I’ve been honest about the big stuff.

    It was the $100 power drill purchase or the traffic ticket for sliding through the stop sign that I’d sweep under the table occasionally.

    I’ve learned that it’s about integrity and how you feel about yourself.

    Now I try to be open and aboveboard about everything I do. Even if I think it’s trivial and unimportant.

    That being said, its best to be more sensitive to your partner’s feelings by not needing to share every detail about things in the past that have no bearing on the present or future.

    For instance, things like the intimate details of prior relationships.

    (There is a big difference between being open and honest and insensitively over-sharing.)

    Practice random kindness and generosity.

    I know I mentioned earlier about how bringing her flowers or cooking him a nice dinner was just a Band-Aid.

    Be that as it may, I’ve found that occasionally surprising your partner with something great can move the needle toward extraordinary quite quickly.

    It doesn’t have to be anything expensive. (Or, it could be if it makes financial sense.) Just do something nice.

    You know your partner, so you know what that thing is.

    You’ll be amazed at how good it will make you feel to do something nice for somebody just because that person is your best friend, and they deserve it.

    The reaction you get just might be extraordinary

    Giving your all is the key.

    It can be very frustrating to feel that you’ve given your all to a relationship and not gotten as much (or anything) in return.

    It’s been my experience that you can’t change or “fix” the other person unless that person really wants to change. But if you can stay in good communication with your partner, make sure your boundaries are set, and most importantly (if the relationship is important to you), don’t give up, there is an excellent chance your partner will sooner or later have an epiphany like mine.

    This is what Jeannie did, and it’s one of the main things that eventually led to me waking up like I did.

    The most important realization was that I needed to give much more to the relationship than I had been giving.

    It’s Never Too Late

    Every relationship is different, but I believe that if you practice the above advice, as well as maintain good-quality two-way communication, your relationship will move from ordinary to extraordinary.

    All that’s required is a little focus and intention.

    Jeannie and I could have muddled along the way we were, and things would have been okay, but I chose to make an effort to make it extraordinary.

    What about you?

    Embracing couple image via Shutterstock

  • Why People Who Bring Enough to Share Are Happier

    Why People Who Bring Enough to Share Are Happier

    Girls Sharing

    “Joy comes not through possession or ownership but through a wise and loving heart.” ~Buddha

    We all have these random little personal philosophies or rules that we live by. Oftentimes, these rules are hidden beneath the surface, not in a form that we are aware of or is easily expressible.

    But I do have one particular “random little personal philosophy” that I live by (and am aware of!) and would like to explore further. It is my philosophy of tipping.

    This philosophy of tipping was thought up specifically with reference to tipping, say, in restaurants, but can easily be generalized. Here is the original formulation:

    I cannot afford to eat at this restaurant if I cannot also afford to give a large tip.

    Now, this doesn’t mean I need to give a huge tip each time—I just need to be willing to in advance.

    So, if I’m going to a restaurant where I know a decent meal will cost $20, I will commit before going in that I am willing to spend closer to $30. Generally, the tip will be fairly typical—about 20% for a good job—but the actual magnitude isn’t the point.

    What matters in this case is that I consider a large tip to actually be a part of the cost of the meal already. Of course, the tip is part of the cost of a meal, but I don’t think most people look at it that way.

    Rather, most people think of the menu price as the cost, and the tip is this annoying extra that you have to pay at the end. I’ve had friends who go out to eat with me, order whatever they want off the menu, and then find that they don’t have enough cash to pay for a tip at all.

    In my case, if I didn’t have the money available to give a sizable tip, I wouldn’t even make it inside the restaurant. After all, that would mean I couldn’t afford it.

    This may sound like a very simple life philosophy, and one that hardly seems worth reading about (let alone writing about). But the implications, when the principle is taken to its logical conclusion, are far more significant. Let’s generalize it now:

    If I am not willing to share something, I shouldn’t get it in the first place.

    Please, do not take this to be a legitimate moral or economic principle—it is pure and simply a life philosophy, or a heuristic for making choices in my own life. Your property is your own and you are certainly not an immoral person if you don’t share, but you may very well be happier if you do.

    A major benefit of all this is its fiscal sensibility. While you may end up spending more on tips and getting extras of certain things in order to share, you will ultimately end up being more careful with your finances and use your money less.

    This sort of mindset makes you far more likely to have a potluck with friends than to go out to eat, or to save money rather than spend it.

    But once you’ve really internalized the idea, you’ll also find yourself experiencing a significant happiness boost. Why? Because giving feels good. Being kind feels good. And sharing positive experiences with others feels good.

    Ultimately, it involves spending more time and money on others and less on yourself. You certainly shouldn’t be neglecting your own needs and desires. But when you do nice things for yourself, make sure you have a little extra so somebody else can enjoy it with you.

    Okay, great. So how does this work in practice?

    As a whiskey lover, I consider it a nice treat to drink a delicious, high quality whiskey. Jameson may be perfectly fine most of the time, but I like to have Johnny Walker Black Label around for special occasions.

    Unfortunately, JW Black is pretty expensive—it would be very easy for me to hoard it and not let other people drink any. Instead, I drink it primarily when I have close friends around. It’s a vastly better experience when shared!

    The nature of the material possessions that I tend to purchase is similar; I try to buy things that have more sharing potential. Most of my possessions at this point are books and DVDs, both of which I am routinely lending out to others or enjoying with them.

    Predictably, this lends itself to a more “simple” lifestyle. I buy a lot less than I could, but the things I do own have a high return on investment with regards to my happiness.

    A big part of this philosophy, though, is to share with strangers. If you are going out for a night of drinks in the city, throw an extra few singles in your pocket to give to the homeless people in the area. If you can’t afford $5 to give to five homeless people, then you can’t afford the $50-100 it would take to go out.

    It’s not just about money, either. The same principle can apply to the way you use your time.

    If you can afford to play video games all day Saturday, then you can spend an hour of that time volunteering at a soup kitchen or helping a friend move. In fact, studies have shown that spending time on others makes you feel as though you have more time available…cool!

    As with most areas in life, it is hard to apply a philosophy like this perfectly, but that’s not the point. I’m far from perfect with this, but even so, I’ve derived great benefits from focusing on this principle, and you can too.

    Friends sharing image via Shutterstock

  • 20 Tiny Changes That Can Completely Overhaul Your Life

    20 Tiny Changes That Can Completely Overhaul Your Life

    “It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.” ~Proverb

    Ever felt down in the dumps, absolutely sure that you wanted to transform your life but no idea where to start?

    About three years back I stood at that intersection.

    I’d spent years earning one advanced degree after another, until I landed myself a job that paid well but the stress level was so high that I had little room for anything else.

    I’d married a wonderful guy whom I’d fallen crazily in love with, but our relationship had slowly, almost without our knowledge, spiraled downward until it seemed like all we felt toward each other was anger and disdain.

    After years of trying, we had a beautiful little girl, but she has such a strong-willed, determined personality that we clashed on a daily, sometimes hourly basis, and I was ready to pull my hair out.

    Every moment at home, someone was yelling, sulking, or seething.

    Something had to change. I wanted to make things better. More peaceful. More “normal.”

    Except, I had no clue where to start. Or what to do. Or how to make the transformation that I so wanted.

    I started trying anything and everything. A few things stuck. Many didn’t.

    Slowly, a pattern started to emerge: Big, massive, overzealous changes almost always backfired and led to disillusionment and disappointment. Small, tiny shifts in attitude, on the other hand, had a huge cumulative impact.

    I still remember one period where I’d decided to not yell at my daughter, no matter what. I’d decided to become a positive parent and as such, be supportive all the time.

    If you’re a parent, you know how this is going to end.

    I managed to hold it in for all of three days or so. And then, suddenly, on some minor provocation, I let loose. All the dammed up irritation and frustration just came flooding out, while my daughter stared at me in utter shock and fear.

    This wasn’t how it was supposed to go! I actually felt worse now than earlier!

    I didn’t want to give up. So I kept trying.

    As one attempt after other failed, I got more and more disheartened.

    Finally, almost in desperation, I decided to focus on something else entirely—since I seemed incapable of not yelling, maybe, I thought, I can figure out why my daughter behaves a certain way and then try to prevent that situation altogether.

    Suddenly, something magical happened.

    The more I stepped into her shoes, the more I understood why she acted like she did. And the more I understood her reasons, the less I felt the need to yell.

    For instance, she wasn’t just defying me when she refused to wear a jacket—her toddler brain just couldn’t grasp that it was cold outside.

    So instead of asking her to wear the jacket while we were still at home, where it was warm and cozy, I’d wait until we got out and the cold draft hit her before asking her to wear the jacket. And most of the time, it worked!

    It was as if I had deciphered a secret code.

    Now, instead of trying to stop yelling, I started to make a conscious attempt to understand her a little more, and with each little effort, I was automatically yelling a little less.

    And you know the best part?

    Quite without our knowledge, the relationship between my husband and me started to change, as well. I was suddenly snapping and yelling at him a whole lot less, too. And in turn, he started being kinder, gentler, and more the person I had fallen in love with.

    Even in the dog-eat-dog culture that was rampant at my then workplace, people responded with reciprocal kindness and goodwill. And I, in turn, found it a whole lot easier to be a better co-worker.

    It was a beautiful, virtuous circle.

    It’s been three years now. I’ve been focusing on making more and more of these small, tiny changes and they have been paying off big time. Our home is a whole lot more peaceful. We enjoy each other’s company a lot. My relationship with friends is richer. Life is good.

    I still have ways to go, but the change, the transformation that I was seeking, is happening.

    Toward the end of last year, in a moment of quiet reflection, I listed some of the small shifts in attitude that have helped me so, and others that I seek to practice in the New Year.

    I’m sharing them with you here in the hopes that they may help you make the transformation you might be seeking.

    1. Less Anger, More Understanding

    When we can understand why the other person acts the way they do—whether they are three years old or thirty—the need to yell automatically starts to diminish.

    2. Less Complaining, More Gratitude

    When we look at all the wonderful things in life, the things that don’t go well start to seem trivial.

    3. Less Blame, More Guidance

    When we get hurt, it is instinctive to want to make the other person “pay,” but if we can guide the person to fix the situation, things are more likely to get better sooner.

    4. Less Judgment, More Wonder

    We are all unique, different, and a wee bit crazy in our own way. The best way to counter the urge to be judgmental is to cultivate a sense of wonder at each person’s uniqueness.

    5. Less Resistance, More Acceptance

    The more we resist something, the more it persists. The more we accept it, the less it bothers us.

    6. Less Shame, More Vulnerability

    Shame is a deep-seated fear that we are not enough. Yet, it’s a fact that none of us is perfect. When we accept the imperfection and embrace it, the tight grip of shame starts to loosen up.

    7. Less Fear, More Action

    We cannot reason with fear, especially the irrational one that stays in the head. The best way to make change happen is to take action and keep moving forward.

    8. Less Comparison, More Contentment

    Our life seems like a drag when we compare our “behind-the-scenes” with the highlight reel of someone else’s life. Focusing on contentment kills the need to try to keep up with the Joneses.

    9. Less Will Power, More Habits

    It’s scientifically proven that we have a limited supply of will power, and the more we exert it, the less we have for future use. So whenever possible, turn things into habit, limiting the need to use will power.

    10. Less Guilt, More Communication

    We all make mistakes. Communicating how badly we feel and figuring out how to fix things will keep guilt from gnawing away at our happiness.

    11. Less Obsessing, More Balance

    Embrace all shades between black or white, and the need to obsess on the extremes starts to shrink. Particularly helpful for recovering perfectionists like me!

    12. Less Competition, More Cooperation

    Come at things from a place of abundance and seek intentionally to cooperate, and the fear of competition starts to melt right away.

    13. Less Stress, More Fun

    If there is one thing we can learn from kids, it is to have fun. Ever notice how few kids are actually stressed?

    14. Less Greed, More Generosity

    Finding joy in giving is the perfect antidote for a case of the gimmes.

    15. Less Distraction, More Rest

    Seriously, make getting a fixed number of hours of sleep each night a priority, and distractions like social media and television will automatically stop killing productivity.

    16. Less Bitterness, More Forgiveness

    Bitterness only hurts the person carrying it. Forgive those who hurt us and move on.

    17. Less Control, More Flow

    Some things are simply out of our control. Learning to go with the flow helps tone down the urge to control.

    18. Less Stubbornness, More Openness

    What if we are wrong some times? Being open to accepting failure and constantly learning makes life so much simpler and beautiful.

    19. Less Expectation, More Patience

    Start small by delaying gratification with little things. As we learn to be more patient, our expectations of how/when things should turn out start to relax as well.

    20. Less Ego, More Humility

    Easier said than done, but the more easily we can say “sorry” and “thank you” (and really mean it), the less hold ego has on our life.

    —

    What has your experience been? Have you also experienced that small, tiny shifts in attitude can result in huge transformations? What are some of the small changes you’ve made that have resulted in a life overhaul?